


Office Hours

by InErosion



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, But like 4-5 years max, Catra can be soft too, Catra has a coping mechanism, Catra is in love, College Student Catra, Desk Sex, F/F, Face-Sitting, Feelings, How did my sex fic get so emotional, Okay there's a plot now, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Professor Adora, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Strap-Ons, This is the tropiest smut trope I ever wrote, Thursday update seems to be my jam, Vaginal Fingering, age gap, brief depiction of abuse, congrats catra, mentions of abuse, psa do not fuck your profs, seriously, sigh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:42:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 174,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26146579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InErosion/pseuds/InErosion
Summary: Adora suppressed an awkward smile, waiting until the lecture hall had mostly cleared before finally looking up. "Could you at least try to call me Professor?"“Sure,Professor.”Catra teased. “Can I ask you a question,Professor?Or are you too busy right now?”“That depends, what’s it about?”Her lip twitched. "I don't think I understand the essay prompt. Mind if I swing by for some help?"---Even as a college professor, Adora is as oblivious as ever. Catra is her definitely not love-struck student. There's a little more going on here than meets the eye...Feelings, smut, and a lot of plot.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 3335
Kudos: 2460





	1. An Unfortunate Interruption

It only took one lecture for Adora to realize that she really should have committed to something else. She liked to consider herself semi-charming, but that definitely wasn't the case in front of 250 bored faces. She kept having to rub her sweaty hands on her slacks, her ponytail came undone, and the entire class was punctuated with constant _"ums, uhs,"_ and _"oh no's."_

Yes, it was then that Adora deeply regretted not following her one and only unique dream of volunteering long term with the Peace Corps. She never did though, and so even though she knew she probably got the job at Brightmoon University because the department head said he just _loved_ her eyes, she still felt lucky to be employed at all. Seriously, what was she supposed to do with a PhD in Classical Etherian History? 

Admittedly, Adora had expected teaching to be hell.

... It wasn't. 

It started when Catra came by after class. Gorgeous and flirty. Apparently, they’d grown up in the same hometown. They even went to the same high school. Catra knew about her, had even seen her around. Small talk in the lecture hall turned into long talk in Adora's office, and it was only when Adora noticed evening falling that they stopped. 

Surely a one off, right? 

Catra came back the next day too, that time with questions about class content. It seemed innocent enough until the teasing started. The jokes made Adora laugh so much. Far more than appropriate. Who could blame her though? Catra was funny. Her humor was dark, something more than a mere refresher. She didn’t treat Adora like someone to gawk at, at least not half the time. Conversations felt natural, even when they were laced with teasing insults. 

_"I can't believe you stayed in your PhD program because some guy told you that you were too stupid to finish. What do you actually want?"_

_"Whaaat!"_ Adora purposefully avoided the question. _"That's not the whole reason."_ Also, no one stays in a PhD program just because of that. 

_"Okay Dr. Dumbass, for real. Tell me. Do you even want to be a professor? You don't exactly act like one."_

_"Honestly, yeah...no. I uh, I followed my friends to grad school. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I kept following them and well… I got this job and now I'm here."_ Adora kept it light. 

In reality, she tortured herself through that PhD alongside her friends. She started it because she had no idea what she wanted other than the corps; she only finished the darned thing through the combination of said ridiculously supportive friends, ramen noodles, a better than minimum wage living stipend, and yes - that one guy who said she was too stupid to finish and so _she became supremely stubborn and angry at him for like threewholeyearsugh._

Catra had listened to all that. Then? Then she called Adora an idiot. 

That's when Adora knew. She decided then to cut off any inappropriate contact between the two of them, but of course that was never going to work. 

The tipping point was when Catra ran into her at the local bar a month and half into the semester. They did shots together - mostly because Adora was already too tipsy to know better. No, they didn't sleep with each other that night, but the important part was that Catra didn't let the story spread to other students. She kept quiet. It almost seemed fate when Catra stayed after class the next day in order to ask about theming or something like that. Adora had thanked her for her discretion, and she intended to leave it there. 

It didn't get left there, not at all. She ended up pressed against the back wall of the lecture hall. It was definitely fate when Adora finally pulled Catra in by the hips. When they finally parted, Adora knew she was royally screwed. So began their casual fling. 

… At least lecturing didn’t seem so bad after that.

Speaking of which.

"Oh! Yeah, so uh, just a reminder that your papers are due tomorrow at midnight. So if you haven't started it yet, it's probably a good time to think about it." Adora said, knowing full well that no one really heard her. Some were staring, but none were listening. "I'll… See you all next Tuesday." 

"Hey Adora." Except Catra, of course. 

Adora suppressed an awkward smile, waiting until the lecture hall had mostly cleared before finally looking up. "Could you at least try to call me Professor?"

“Sure, _Professor.”_ Catra teased. “Can I ask you a question, _Professor?_ Or are you too busy right now?”

“That depends, what’s it about?”

Her lip twitched. "I don't think I understand the essay prompt. Mind if I swing by for some help?"

"Yeah, um… I think I'm free at..." Adora held her breath as she mentally ran through her schedule. A late lunch, obviously. A department meeting at two thirty. 

"Now, Professor genius. I mean now."

"Oh. Uhhh." She knew she shouldn't flush this red. "Yes? Yes, we can- uh, office?"

To Catra's credit, she did actually ask for tips on the paper - at least on the walk over. In fact, she was so incredibly detailed that Adora began to have the sneaking suspicion that it was already written. When they arrived at the office, no sooner had they entered than Catra shut the door and locked it. 

She had that look in her eyes. 

Adora’s own widened, because for every encounter they’d had, no actual sex had occurred in Adora’s office. Everything they'd done before had been quick, negotiated right after class, yet still practically on a whim. They were stolen moments in various secluded areas, never to be repeated. Still compromising, but not quite like this. This was a step up. The door to the office was half frosted glass, something that certainly did not conventionally lend itself to private sex. The chance of one of Adora's colleagues suspecting something, or worse, was much higher. 

Frankly, it was her own fault for leading them here. Her brain had gone into overdrive.

"Hey." Catra smirked. Mischief bloomed over her face and she sauntered towards the- Adora’s desk, and she even pinched her cheek as she passed. Adora found herself turned around. Her ridiculously cocky student carelessly wiped each stack of carefully organized papers and reports to the side, then sat. She didn't bother to be seductive at all. She didn’t need to. She just watched Adora, kicking her legs out with a steady _thump thump_ against the expensive, mind you, hardwood of the desk. There were already dirty markings where the heels of her sneakers hit. 

She knew just how to press Adora’s buttons in the most exciting way. 

_'Definitely don't do this here.'_ Adora tried to scold herself. Tried.

"Just curious, do you need another TA?" Catra cocked a grin, clearly sensing Adora's hesitancy. Then, she picked up one of the early submissions and flipped it open. 

"Are you sure about-”

"The first Etherian war was the primary causal factor in the unification of the six kingdoms. During peacetime, the empire remained the foremost provider of..." She trailed off. "That's a C. I can already tell."

“... We… We should-"

Catra ignored her and looked up from the report, "See, I'm a quick grader." Then let it dramatically fall down onto the ground beneath her feet. "And I'm a quick learner."

Adora stood where she had been for the last half minute. Halfway to the door, halfway to desk. They shouldn't. 

_Thump...thump…_

Really, not in the office. But...

Pleasure filled Catra's face when the blonde eventually made her way over. 

"You know… I need that paper… You shouldn't just..." Adora pointed to the discarded report. 

_"Ohhh Adora,_ I'm sure you do. Get it then." 

She knelt down, anticipating, but was still caught off guard when a hand cupped her jaw and forced her to look up. Adora's mouth opened slightly in stupid disbelief, and that served as the perfect invitation for Catra to tug her into a rough kiss. It was wonderful. Adora melted into her, abandoning the paper in favor of awkwardly standing to get closer to Catra. Catra didn’t allow the kiss to last, pushing Adora’s jaw back with the same force she had brought them together. Still, she gripped tight, keeping Adora close with the kind of vice expected of a young athlete. 

"I want you right now. I don't want to wait another second," she breathed, eyes piercing and lips still almost touching Adora’s. “Do you?”

Adora struggled to form a coherent thought, let alone words. She never seemed to have any control near Catra. A heat spread between her thighs. She could almost feel Catra's too, because Catra took the opportunity to wrap them around Adora's waist, securely locking her instructor in place in front of her. A bold move. 

“Well?” Catra probed again and loosened her grip slightly, but Adora’s jaw was numb. Her legs felt weak - a lie, of course. She was still standing. Catra tilted her head. 

“I don't want to wait either.” Adora finally whispered, because she was nothing if not weak for Catra, even if her legs withstood such tests.

With that affirmation, Catra’s lips curled into a smirk. "I love that about you, princess. Fuck… You look so fucking hot in that dress. You're unfair…"

“Is that really why you couldn’t wait?” It was a fairly conservative dress - something quick to wear when the morning got away. 

“Maybe.”

Before Adora could ask what else maybe might refer to, Catra abruptly dropped her legs from around her waist. The newly created distance did not last long. Adora shivered as Catra ran her hands under the hem of the dress and up her thighs. She was ill able to hide her excitement, fingers roaming and teasing short touches across bare skin. It took less than five seconds for her index finger to rub slick fabric. She knew exactly what to do, and it was all so perfect because of it. Adora braced herself against the desk, barely withholding her urge to grind and with palms flat on either side of Catra. 

_So came their ritual, just more public than usual._

Catra parted damp fabric from skin and slid her hand down to Adora’s clit, lazily tracing circles. Her touches remained delicate. Until they weren’t. Until a finger left its position to push inside - and that’s when Adora’s breath hitched. 

That's when she lost all semblance control, physical and emotional.

"Oh...god… How are you this perfect…? Ahn…" Adora lowered her gaze with a gasp, leaning in to press her face against Catra's neck. 

Catra seemed to freeze at that. Taken aback, perhaps. Even her finger stopped working. Adora managed to look up in time to see the briefest expression of wonder disappear from Catra's face. It had been a momentary smile - a genuine one. It was as if it was only then she discovered the kind of power she held over the woman shaking from her touch. 

Catra ran her thumb over Adora’s wet center while still inside. Adora couldn’t withhold any moans, so Catra helped absorb them with a few well planned kisses. More acceptable was when Adora rocked her hips into Catra’s hand - awkward in theory, especially against the desk. But once Catra added a second digit, Adora was far too lost to care. She assumed a similar position to before, dropping her head and pressing lips to what showed of Catra’s collar. The woman actually quivered at that, her own breath catching. 

Adora whined with each pulse; she took in Catra’s scent. 

"Another...ahhhhh...in.” 

Catra obliged without question. Several pumps in, and yet she wasn't as rough as normal. _The teases weren't quite there either; they were hushed, words indiscernible._ Perhaps she was simply marveling at the circumstance before her, but her dominance seemed to be more focused into each thrust - doing anything possible to make Adora finish. 

She pushed a fourth finger in without asking. It was then she truly started getting rough. The burn was slight, real, and entirely wonderful. It was so wonderful. Adora could hear it happening, that sound of fingers working into wetness. The rapid increase. Adora felt herself tensing, her shoulders bunched.

"Fff...C-Catra…!" 

No sound came from Catra but wary, broken breathing. Adora had her delirious lust. She would change that breath soon. She would take care of Catra. She bit down on her skin, eliciting a jerk from her - and an arm came around Adora’s waist to pull her as close as physically possible while still maintaining the pace of those pumps. The suddenness of being pulled closer pushed Adora right over the edge. Her hands left the desk to coil Catra’s shirt as she found that peak, She muffled her cries of relief against Catra’s skin. 

She held Adora and Adora held her; together they slowly rode out the wave in what would probably become a well practiced near silence. 

It was nothing like any sex they had experienced before. It felt different, but she couldn't quite place how. 

Adora allowed herself the luxury of feeling Catra’s heat. She listened to the hard pittering of that heart. When its rate didn't slow, she peeked up to gauge Catra’s expression. Glistening eyes told her that Catra was on the verge of tears.

_Had she been like that the whole time?_

“Oh- Catra…? Are you okay?” 

_Did Adora do something wrong?_

“Yeah. Yeah…” Catra quickly wiped her eyes before anything more could come. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”

“Hey, you can tell me.” 

“... You think I'm perfect. It was… Nice of you to say. I... I guess."

“Well you are.”

“Pfft, you're an idiot…”

‘“Let me show you?” Deep and from the center of Adora’s chest, "Please. Let me?" 

Catra nodded wordlessly. 

Adora left a painful kiss of appreciation against her jaw, then dropped down to her midriff. In the course of about a minute and with a little help, Adora worked Catra’s jeans and underwear off. She teased along her skin with a narrow line of kisses before settling herself between those slack legs, propping them up over her shoulders. Even after all that, Catra didn't want to fully relinquish her shaky control over Adora - so she tightly wound her fingers into blonde hair.

Adora looked up into her eyes. "You're beautiful. I'm going to make you feel it." Her grip on Adora’s hair tightened. “Beautiful.” 

"Adora, wait… I- I have to tell you something."

Her voice shook. It shook in every syllable. Adora held herself ready to continue but waited for her to speak. 

"I-”

Their intimacy shattered with a crash outside the office. Then came the terrifying belief that someone had burst in. Both their heads instinctively snapped towards the door, forgetting entirely that it was locked. It was then they discovered that a secret such as theirs would do that. Cause that unexpectedly high level of fear. 

It was the first time they'd had such a scare; it was the first time they fully realized the risk too. Before, it was a fantasy. The idle threat of university policy floating overhead was kept at bay simply because Adora liked Catra too much. After that? What happened wouldn't be an easy thing to forget on either side. So even though nobody entered, the heart stopping fear took over a minute to fade. By the time calm arrived, the purity of the moment had been corrupted; Adora’s heart left her chest and constricted up into her throat. Suddenly the space between them became awkward, and so Adora stepped back a pace. Catra reluctantly slid from the desk. 

She started pulling her clothes back on.

_Yes, something felt far more real about their situation after that. Adora felt stupid._

“Hey, I'm so sorry about-" 

“You're good. I’ll see you at lecture.” Catra said as she finished dressing. _That vulnerability was clearly back inside._ She hesitated, but pressed a short kiss to Adora’s lips.

Adora stood there, more confused than shaken. “W-Wait! What were you going to say?”

“I think I'll tell you later." She flashed Adora a brief smile as she opened the door to leave, a hint of her usual mischief just barely peeking through. But then it was gone. "Bye, Adora.”

Much like Catra herself.


	2. Thanks, Glimmer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all lucky. I had an idea for chapter 2 come to me at like 3 in the morning. It's longer than chapter 1 for two reasons:  
> Hot Adora  
> Plot Adora  
> But I doubt you'll mind, because aren't we all in it professor Adora? So have at it guys.  
> Have.  
> At.  
> It.

Adora didn't know what to expect come Tuesday. Without any way to contact her, she didn't know how Catra was. Based off how things ended last they saw each other, things could be fine. After all, Catra had smiled at the end. She'd assured Adora she would be at lecture. But then again, they could also be bad. She was surprisingly emotional… And well, she _did_ still end up leaving. 

It felt like a fifty fifty shot. 

So when Tuesday finally arrived, it was quite the relief to see Catra in her usual seat.

_She sure could disappear when she wanted to._

She seemed more relaxed than Adora predicted possible even in the best case scenario. Not a hint of awkwardness or upset. It was admittedly unnerving to see her look so happy, mostly because Adora still felt jittery after what happened - but she reminded herself that they both had several days to cool down from it. Catra had plenty of time to gather herself and it was probably wise that Adora follow her example if possible. Even if it didn't necessarily feel so possible…

Lecture ran its usual course in most respects. Believe it or not, _and whether Adora liked it or not,_ she was actually improving. She still wasn't good at teaching by any means, but she was less self conscious in general. She was forming a rhythm. Part of that rhythm was understanding that she, just like her students, became completely burned out in the last twenty minutes of class. 

To combat said burnout, the end of this particular class plan included a short minidoc. It was on something Adora could've explained, but really didn't want to. It gave her an opportunity to take a break and not fumble over her words quite as much. 

Except when the time came to play it, she wasn't able to relax. Not in the slightest. She kept glancing at Catra, who was sitting with friends. One of them was in the row behind her, some woman with white hair. She kept leaning forwards to whisper to her. Catra would turn around every so often to whisper back. When she faced front again, she was always grinning ear to ear. 

_What were they talking about?_

She almost didn't notice when the video ended. Her only reminder was the fact people were getting up to leave. 

Oh! 

It was too late. Adora didn't even bother saying a proper goodbye to the class. Similarly, Catra didn't bother saying a proper hello. 

"A tie today? I like it." She started to tug at the end of the accessory. At least she'd waited until absolutely everyone filed out of the classroom. 

But it still put Adora slightly on edge. "Um, yeah. I'm trying to be more professional..." Her eyes darted to the door. 

If anyone walked in, they'd be screwed. She had half a mind to tell Catra to stop, but she didn't need to. Catra noticed her expression and relinquished the tie. 

Adora breathed a sigh of relief.

_Good, at least they were on the same page._

"Thanks. I guess I'm kind of worried about people seeing. Not that I wouldn't love to..." Her gaze wandered to Catra's lips. "... But- um, we shouldn't do anything in my office anymore. I don't know about the other stuff either. If we get caught-"

"I figured. I'm not particularly into getting walked in on either, so..." Catra interrupted with a lazy smirk. She started to pull something out of her pocket. A little note. 

"What's that?"

"Somewhere for us to go." 

"Are you inviting me back to your dorm?"

"What? No." She scoffed. "You seriously want to try to fuck in a college dorm?"

Nope, Adora had absolutely no desire to relive that part of college. Adora was responsible. Adora was mature. She was sensible. She wasn't about to have sex in college bunk bed. It was probably presumptuous to think Catra wanted that. "No no…! Uh, continue..."

"Uh huh, well I did some asking around and this is what I got." She handed Adora the note. It was a time and place. Oh, she actually had found somewhere more private. _Maybe that's why she was so happy?_

The only issue with the plan was that normally, they did everything in the early afternoon. The time on the note was… Later. When Adora usually _ywrhhnng...?_

Adora's brain temporarily fried when Catra unexpectedly came even closer than before, briefly pulling at Adora's tie once more. "Wear this. I'll see you there, Professor."

It was not a question. 

Adora's throat went dry. 

She didn't know anything about that spot. Honestly, she didn't know how to juggle her schedule either. She felt so very nervous about anyone seeing them and getting the wrong idea. 

But would she go? 

That was not a question either. 

And that's how they ended up on the sixth floor of the Eternia building at nine sharp. In the lounge, because _apparently_ that's where people went for secret sex. It was exactly one hour after all evening classes had ended and one hour before the night crew arrived to clean. The whole building was dark and empty, but they pushed a bookshelf up against the locked door for good measure. They kept the lights off too. After all, that was simply the responsible, mature, and sensible thing to do. 

The illusion of privacy was strong enough for Adora to let her guard down - or maybe it was the sexual frustration - or maybe… Maybe it was just Catra and her unexpected kindness of going to the trouble to find somewhere safe. 

"That good enough for you?" 

"Yeah." Adora smiled. It did feel very alone. "Yeah, this is really nice." 

Now satisfied with the arrangements, Adora knew that the first thing they should do was talk about what happened last time. She exhaled and turned to face Catra, who- 

"Good," Catra's hands were already roaming Adora's body. "Because it was hard to get on such short notice." 

Without warning, Adora felt herself being pulled towards the lounge's couch by her tie. "Hey, shouldn't we talk about-"

"Later. I want you now."

"-But Catra-"

"I had to wait for this when I shouldn't have had to." Catra said, tone teasing in a way that Adora struggled to keep up with. "I want you to strip." 

"Weren't you upset?"

"Don't think so."

"Catra." Any remaining awkwardness vanished in a flash.. Adora pried Catra's hand away, sharply twisting her around so she could grab her other wrist as well. "At least tell me why you're acting like this right now."

"Nope." Stubborn, challenging. Still with that stupid tease. 

Adora narrowed her eyes. 

It was a short fight. Somehow, she actually got Catra pinned under a straddle on the couch. Somehow, Adora was still wearing her clothing, although she was sweating profusely. 

"Okay." She panted. The look on Catra's face - her surprise at having lost was simply priceless. Despite the situation, it actually made Adora smile. _If Catra needed a little encouraging to open up, Adora could work that out._ She pressed one hand to Catra's heart, the other traced down the center of her chest. "Now we're halfway to what you want. Meet me halfway and talk to me?"

"Who cares about talking? You wanted to fuck me last time, so what the fuck are you waiting for? Fuck me." Catra's hands raked over Adora's body, swiftly settling on her ass and squeezing it. It was the most aggressive form of begging there was. Of course, of all people, Catra would be prone to it. Adora stifled a giggle and obliged her want with a deep kiss. It wasn't really a surprise.

But that didn't change what was going to happen. Adora pulled away, still smiling. "I told you that we should talk." 

"And I told you that I don't want to." It wasn't long until she was trying to wrestle with Adora, grinding her crotch up with total disregard for the functions of fabric. When that didn't work, Catra tried to touch herself. She went so far as to unzip her jeans.

"Don't worry, I'll do that for you soon enough." Adora reached down and zipped them right back up. "Before that, can you tell me why you're so aggressive today?"

"Fuck you, I'm not aggressive." Catra hissed, tugging roughly at Adora's shirt and forcing Adora to pin her wrists down. She pressed more soft kisses across every inch of skin she could find. Within about thirty seconds, she had Catra a shuddering and cursing mess. 

"Seriously," she gazed into Catra's eyes with hopes of softening them. "What's going on?" 

It seemed to work. 

"Nothing's going on! I just- I-..." She tried growling, but it came out more like a whimper. "... Maybe I missed you. I guess I wanted to be with you, and I didn't want it to be weird. Okay…?"

That gave Adora more than enough reason for pause. It happened every so often - the realization that she was probably speeding head over heels into the mess they'd made together. It was the physicality of it, sure, but it was also the emotions. The way they clicked. Catra was watching her, that now familiar expression visible in her eyes; the expression Adora knew must be vulnerability. There were no tears, unlike last time. It was more concrete. 

"I missed you too." 

Yet same as the last time, it was brief. 

"... Yeah yeah, I can't believe you made me fucking say that. You're an ass."

Adora kissed her jawline. "But that's how stuff like this works, we have to talk about it."

"Oh? So you know all about it? I guess I'm one of many then." 

"Nope, there's only you." Adora dropped one of her wrists to push two fingers down to the crux of her jeans, Catra stiffened with a short moan. "Thank you, Catra."

"Fuckk…" 

She'd done more than enough. Adora finally let her thumb pop the button on Catra pants open, and the zipper naturally came next. She hooked her pinky into one of the belt rings and began to pull just as she left a mark above Catra's collarbone. 

It was the first real mark of the night.

Catra gasped. And then? Then she whined. 

Breath caught in Adora's chest too, she released her remaining bound wrist in order to adjust enough off of Catra to shimmy her pants and underwear down. Once the bottoms were off, Adora didn't come back as close as she was before. She gave Catra enough room to sit up. 

"Can you take off your shirt too?"

Catra looked up with the tiniest smidgen of smugness before drawing her tee over her head. Adora exhaled in unison with the revelation and immediately lowered herself to kiss deep into Catra's lower collar, soon skirting the edges of her upper breasts. After she unclipped Catra's bra, she tested her hands on her waist to hold her down as politely as possible. 

When she looked up, it was obvious the politeness was not lost on Catra. She was watching her again. "You're stupid, Adora." 

Adora moved one of her hands down between Catra's thighs in reply, observing as Catra shut her eyes the moment Adora massaged her clit. The touches were kept light for a reason. 

It worked like a charm. Catra whined, then began grinding herself into Adora's fingers to increase the friction. Adora held her breath. _Catra was simply too stunning rocking her hips like that._ If Adora didn't have such a good reason to be alive, she surely would've given in right then. She barely held back a groan of her own when Catra pulled her into a kiss by her tie. 

Vaguely, she felt Catra undoing the knot. The tie definitely fell away. Then went a few shirt buttons, opening up her chest. A palm on her skin. Nails, too. 

She was happily entranced until the volume of those whimpers increased. It sparked a moment of fear, but it wasn't really a thought. It was more like a reaction to pull away - to cover Catra's mouth. 

"Shh. You need to be quieter." The regret of acting so brazenly and without permission was immediate and severe. She almost withdrew her hand, but Catra let out a muffled moan that was all embarrassed pleasure. Adora hesitated, "... Can do you do that for me?"

_"Mhhmm."_

"Do you want me to keep my hand here?"

A nod was encouragement needed for the authority to continue. Still, Adora left her hand loose over Catra's mouth. She had enough experience to know that Catra didn't often give in to her neediness so completely. 

"Good… Thank you for being patient," Adora said as she kissed Catra's shoulder. "God, you're so beautiful. And perfect too."

Perfect. Because of course Adora wasn't going to forget perfect. She might not have the mind to come up with something more sophisticated, but she didn't need to. Perfect was the word that made Catra whimper.

_Made her feel safe._

Adora finally pushed two inside and began to pump. Red, restless, and severely uncomfortable in the best of ways, Catra couldn't seem to meet Adora's gaze anymore.

"So perfect."

She couldn't control her stifled whines either - it was definitely necessary for Adora to keep her quiet. She kept the thrusts short and even, building her up until she was pushing down onto Adora's fingers in a desperate attempt at release. But it was only ever a warm up.

Eventually, Adora withdrew both hands to position Catra's legs up over her shoulders. Finally, back to where they left off. For real. "If you get too loud, I'll have to stop. I don't want to do that. I want to show you how I feel, okay?"

"Y-Yeah…"

She let her head dip between Catra's thighs and felt nails dig into her scalp almost immediately. Adora surrounded her clit - and Catra exhaled sharply, quickly stifling her moans by biting down on her hand. Still, Adora kept her strokes just as light as she had with her fingers. She relished making Catra come undone. Tasting her. Feeling her grip tighten. Hearing her demand more. 

She dragged her tongue across Catra's folds, enjoying the way Catra arched her back but also ignoring how she tried to push her head closer. 

_"More… Please."_

Adora could stand to speed things up, that was true. She pushed another long stroke, harder. Until she found a rhythm with her tongue. Until Catra was shuddering. Until her thighs tightened. Until she gave in entirely, begging without any reservation.

"A-Adora…!"

Adora knew she needed to tell her to be quieter again. 

Yet she didn't. She didn't want to, not with Catra so impatient. Not when she knew she was the cause. Not when it wasn't enough. Catra's movements were uncontrolled, yet somehow, it wasn't happening. Catra kept moaning for more. More pressure. More friction. More. 

That wouldn't do. 

Only something like that could frustrate Adora. She could tell Catra was on the edge. Why wouldn't it let go?

That wouldn't do at all. 

It was the kind of more that Adora couldn't give from her position. Adora made the difficult decision to pull away from Catra's sex, tasting her own lips as she did. 

"What are you…" 

"Would it help you if you had more control?" Her voice was a mere whisper. "I can do that for you. I want you to do whatever you need to finish."

Catra's eyes widened. She struggled to sit up and pull her legs from Adora's shoulders, obviously realizing what was on offer. Adora smiled, happy to see the enthusiasm as she adjusted herself into a position where she could lay on her back. Catra had a fire growing in her eyes. She positioned her thighs on either side of Adora's head, then reached down to grasp another fistful of Adora's hair before lowering herself. 

_Whatever it took to make her happy. Whatever it took to make it work._

Catra was barely patient enough to let Adora lap up what dripped. She shivered, not pressing down during the initial moments. But as soon as Adora got comfortable enough, Catra ground herself against her face - hard. Hard enough that the couch started creaking. Her reaction was immediate. She had to hold onto the couch simply not to fall over.

So that was what was missing, because that friction didn't exist earlier. Adora was not going to take away her satisfaction. She relinquished all control over the situation, working as diligently as ever to help Catra achieve what she desired. Even when it became harder to breathe. Even when Catra's nails hurt. Even when it almost felt like she wasn't doing anything to help the process. 

_"Fuck…! Fuck…!!!"_

Because the sounds were worth it. They weren't something that should be silenced. 

If Adora thought it was it last time that felt different, she was sorely mistaken; if she thought she was 'speeding towards being head over heels,' she was wrong then too. Because it was when Catra came that she consciously realized she was already in far deeper than she ever anticipated. In the past, an act of trust like that position was something she would've only done for a long term girlfriend. But there she was, pleasing Catra - who rocked slow against Adora's tongue, panting before weakly moving her crotch away.

Adora stared up at her, heart in her throat. Catra looked back with lidded eyes. Spent. The couch was hardly wide enough for one person, but she managed to position herself next to Adora. They both had to lay on their sides to make it work. Catra on the inside, Adora on the outside. 

Adora felt her heart still going just a touch too fast. _So many emotions._ Not good for a fling and terrible when considering that Catra was her student, but it was too late to do anything about that. Catra brought her hand up to Adora's cheek, brushing a few loose hairs behind her ear. She kept her palm there. Feeling Adora's burning skin. 

She cracked a small, rebellious smile. "I wasn't quiet. You didn't stop me."

"Maybe I was distracted by how amazing you sounded."

"Do I get extra credit for that?"

"Okay, now you can shut up." Adora kissed her, but when she pulled away, Catra looked slightly disappointed. 

Regretful, even. "... I can't get us this place every time." She whispered. 

"You can't?"

"It's just not how it works, dummy. I told you it's well known, there's practically a sign up sheet." _Oh, that was kind of gross._ It dampened the mood just a little. Adora tried to hide it. Tried and failed, because Catra saw right through it. "... Sorry, I guess."

"No, you're okay! You did- you're so- you're great. You're better than great." Adora said; Catra smiled ever so slightly at her words. "I guess I just don't know what to do. We already know we can't go back to the office."

Not unless it was really late. Even then, Adora had some absolutely nuts colleagues that would stay all night if they could. 

"I can ask around. Maybe there's somewhere else, but I'm not going to get something like this in a couple days." 

… No Catra on Thursday? Her heart stammered. She didn't want to not see Catra, even if they weren't dating. Even if they couldn't. It didn't matter, not to Adora. She just didn't want a break from seeing Catra. Actually, with a pang in her chest, she realized that she didn't think she could bear it at all. 

"You know we could- you could…" She managed to reel herself in enough to briefly consider the risk she was about to take. Because again, they weren't dating. They couldn't date. Still, it wasn't much consideration. She quickly rationalized it by telling herself that it was the only foolproof way to privacy. "What if you came over to my house next time?"

Catra looked even more surprised than Adora thought she would. "... Really?"

"It's safest… Isn't it? That way we won't get caught doing… Whatever we're doing." 

"You want me there?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't." 

Catra kissed Adora as a reply. It was much longer than the one they just shared; it was also unexpectedly rough, but that just made it even better... Except for the fact that Adora almost fell off the couch. 

Catra held her steady. Barely. 

"We should swap numbers then…!" Adora said when they parted, completely breathless. "To plan and stuff."

_Wait, what did she just do?_

She froze. She didn't consider that one before offering it, not like the house thing. It just came out on impulse. But-... That was okay. There was no reason to panic. 

Because then they could finally talk. Every day. If they texted, then Adora wouldn't be in the dark all the time. She shivered at the possibilities. Most importantly, she reasoned that texting was probably the best way to not get caught. They'd be able to coordinate better - and besides, it wasn't like anyone could walk in on some texts. It was private between them. 

There was no need to panic, really. 

"I thought you'd never get there." Catra looked at Adora with a faint smile. Did that mean she already wanted to talk to Adora more? The thought sparked much joy. "You move at like two miles an hour, I swear."

They swapped phones, contacts open. Adora wasn't sure what she should name herself. A real name or a nickname? How many emojis were appropriate for college kids? One? Five? 

At least their meetup went better than last time. It wasn't even over! Suddenly, Adora felt quite restricted by her shirt. She'd get that off in a moment. But then...

A memory - and half of what Adora meant to talk about. "Hey, are you ever going to tell me what you were going to say before we got interrupted last time?"

"Eh, it's nothing big. Maybe at your house." 

"Why not now?" She eventually settled on serious with a little sweet - just _'Adora'_ plus a heart. She returned Catra's phone. 

Catra handed Adora's phone back too - _oops, Catra named herself 'Catra' with nothing else_ \- then pressed her face into the crook of her neck. "... I guess I want to enjoy now for what it is." 

\---

Wednesday morning came quickly.

As did the verdict. 

Adora should have spent less time having sex with Catra and more time working her love into her paper. 

"Thanks for coming over guys, but I don't think anything's going to fix this. It's not even close to ready and it's not going to be done in time for the conference. I've been so distracted..." She had her elbows on the table, head in her hands, and dread firmly in her stomach. 

The previous night was a wonderful memory. The upcoming day, however, was an awful prospect. See, usually she worked before bed. Meeting with Catra so late threw her off her already terrible schedule. It wasn't like one day actually meant that much in the great scheme of things, but it sure felt like a lot - and it caused something of an anxiety attack when Adora tried to get ready for the day. 

"If you hate research that much, you could swap to just teaching." When Adora peeked, she found Bow was too busy flipping his pancake to actually look at her from his current spot the kitchen. He did wink at Glimmer though, and she gave him a happy little smile in return from her place standing in the arch separating the two rooms.

How nice for them. 

Whenever Adora had a mini meltdown, they came over to cheer her up. They'd hang out and talk until she felt better. Sometimes, it worked great. Other times, not so much. 

"That pays less." Adora groaned. "And I still don't really like it."

"Pull yourself together and focus, Adora. You have to act like an adult." Glimmer said in that voice that she _thought_ was encouraging, but wasn't actually that helpful. It didn't happen too often, yet it was enough that Adora recognized it. At least the good intentions were there. 

"Can't I have a short break from that?"

"No. You're only getting older."

"Thanks, Glimmer."

"I think what Glimmer is trying to say," Bow finished the pancake and started serving himself breakfast. "Is that regressing probably isn't a very good idea. You need to destress." 

"I know."

"You should take a day off. Go for a hike. Drink. Use the hot tub, just try something!" That was easier said than done. She couldn't exactly run away from her job. "Maybe you could get a girlfriend."

The addition was belated, as if it was an afterthought. It was still enough for Adora to pull her face completely out of hiding. She turned the lightest pink she possibly could. Hardly noticeable.

Glimmer still caught on almost immediately. She followed Bow from the kitchen into the dining room and then to the table, focus fixed on Adora. "What's that?"

"What's uhhwhat?" 

"You're blushing." 

"I'm not blushing."

Somewhere inside, Adora knew better than to lie. She was not a good liar. Her friends sat down on either side of her - Bow seemed content to eat. Glimmer, not so much. Whatever potential excitement she may have had quickly gave way to suspicion. 

"Are you seeing someone?" She asked, eyes narrowed. 

"I-... No?"

"No?"

"No, not really."

 _"Not really."_ Glimmer let Adora have approximately five seconds to believe that reply would work before pressing on. "Who is she?"

"I said I'm not seeing anyone."

"You are. We all know it, right Bow?" Bow paused his chewing, starting to look concerned. He swallowed with a short nod. "Exactly. When do we get to meet her?"

More like vet her. Adora loved Glimmer. She loved her with her whole heart. Keeping secrets from her always felt impossible, and to be perfectly honest? She'd never really tried to before. Her first attempt wasn't going to last long. 

"Alright- fine, okay. There- okay. There might be someone, but I don't know if you should meet. I don't think you'd like her."

Glimmer blinked at that. 

_Huh. Oh no._

"Buuuuut I'm your friend. I _should_ like who you're dating, Adora. So should Bow." She looked at her boyfriend again, who offered a yet more cautious nod. 

He could get involved anytime now. Adora would be grateful, come on. 

Adora cleared her throat as Glimmer leaned closer. "Well, it's not really dating... We're not- uh, we aren't officially together."

"You're not?" 

"No?"

Glimmer couldn't look any more alarmed. "Is she that bad of an influence? Why wouldn't I like her?"

"No! She's not a bad influence. It's just," Adora struggled to find anything about Catra that was worth disliking. She realized that on paper, Glimmer would probably like her too. The swearing. The teasing. Maybe Catra was a little immature, Glimmer wouldn't like that. "She's...um, she's younger."

"How old is she?"

Another _huh_ moment. For everything she and Catra had talked about, Adora didn't actually know the answer to that. She was pretty sure Catra had mentioned her graduation year at some point - but it wasn't coming back to her. Adora gulped. "A lo-... A little... Younger than me...?"

"Adora." Glimmer was not stupid. 

"What?"

Not as stupid as Adora, at least. "You didn't."

"I- I didn't what?"

Her eyes seemed to dull with disappointment. "Tell me you didn't."

"I don't know what you're talking abou-"

"Tell me it isn't a student."

Lying would indeed be pointless. Adora merely buried her face in her hands for the second time that morning, sighing deeply. "... Sorry… It just kind of… Happened…"

Bow chose that moment to gasp, thanks - and of course Glimmer was on it before he could interject. 

"Nothing 'just kind of' happens, Adora! You didn't trip into her mouth, did you!?"

"No- hey, I swear I really like her. And for the record, she came onto me."

_Oh wow. That excuse sounded really, really bad out loud…_

"I didn't say you didn't!" Glimmer said, exasperation quickly building. "But have you considered that she might not like you back?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you think students go after professors?"

"I… I don't know." Adora admitted. She truly had no idea. 

The look on Glimmer's face told her she wouldn't like whatever was coming. "She's probably playing you for her grade!"

She was right. She didn't like it. She hadn't actually considered that before, and it was like getting punched in the stomach. No, not enough. It was like getting punched in the stomach and having the acid spill out everywhere else to slowly eat away at everything else. Adora closed her eyes, the image of Catra appearing in her mind. Smiling Catra. Teasing Catra. It would be wrong to assume the worst of her. "... I don't think so. I think she likes me too." 

There was no reason to think Catra was doing that. Catra had to like her a lot. She had to. Surely that was the logical conclusion after everything that had happened between them. Maybe it wasn't as much as Adora liked Catra. Okay, definitely not. But she had an actual crush on Adora at the very least. Right? She said she missed Adora. It wasn't just sex - and it wasn't a game. They had a connection, right…?

"I'm serious, watch her disappear once the semester is over. Then she'll use your relationship as blackmail." 

"I- I'm looking for a new job anyway." Adora said, dearly hoping the statement wasn't rationalization. Dearly hoping that Glimmer was wrong. "She knows that, why would she blackmail me? Maybe I can quit. Maybe then we can figure it out."

Because Glimmer had to be wrong. She didn't know what she was talking about. She didn't know Catra like Adora did. 

"Figure it out? What's there to figure out? She's a stranger!"

And there was the proof, because _that_ was simply unfair! They'd talked for hours! Adora knew Catra. Yeah, maybe she'd forgotten how old she was. But that was on Adora - she just forgot stuff sometimes. Forgetting one little fact didn't necessarily mean she didn't know Catra; she still remembered other things. 

"She's not. We grew up in the same hometown." 

Like that. They had a shared history. Adora knew they went to the same high school, that and… That and… Well- _well,_ maybe it was true that Adora didn't know a ton... She knew enough though, surely… 

"Right, and what else? Do you even know her major?" Glimmer pressed. She let Adora think on that one. Concerned expression ever growing and arms crossed. 

Adora did think. She thought hard. She thought over everything Catra had told her. Only the vaguest concepts came up. 

When no reply came, "Okay. How about her favorite movie?"

So vague that even that wasn't something Adora knew. 

"Band?"

No. Not that either. 

_"Color?"_

No…

Adora… Didn't know…

It was then that she came to the awful realization that Glimmer actually had a point. Catra was a lot more private than Adora first registered. In fact, she pretty much only asked about Adora. She teased and flattered. She acted almost unbelievably interested, yet deflected anything deep about herself. _How long had it taken to get her to open up the previous night? What if she just said all that?_

"You don't know anything about this girl. Why are you trusting her?" Glimmer's words came down harsh. It didn't matter that they were from worry. The burn was too great. 

"Glimmer, I think you shou-"

And so the attempted intervention was far, far too late to do any actual good. 

"No, Bow. She needs to listen. Look Adora, I'm telling you that you're being naive. If you don't stop?" Glimmer took one of Adora's stiff hands, squeezing it almost painfully tight. "She's going to ruin your life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ask me, an ANGSTY SMUT writer, for more smut and plot in a teacher x student fic - a trope where tension elements have always been extra strong? Ya gonna get a little hurt. :) 
> 
> Lmao I hope you enjoyed.


	3. All for Naught(y)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I've read many fics where it's arguable that Catra is functioning better than Adora - at least the start. This was an interesting challenge to take on in terms of characterization, plot, and actually with the smut too. 
> 
> But don't we deserve the best and softest Catra? Catra being nicer? Vulnerable and in love Catra. Catra being able to take care of Adora too. It's all in her, and I sure think we deserve it. 
> 
> The real question is...
> 
> Does Adora deserve it? 
> 
> Idk y'all gonna have to let me know what you think

(6:32 p.m.)

 _ **Catra:** hey adora_

_**Catra:** so whats the plan for tomorrow?_

(8:40 p.m.)

_**Catra:** am I making the plan or_

_**Catra:** yo prof_

(11:11 p.m.)

_**Catra:** itd be great if you texted me back_

(9:16 a.m.) 

_**Catra:** ok then_

The burn didn't stop. Lecture could not have gone worse. By the end of it, Adora was genuinely worried one of her students would go out of their way to check up on her. A few did give her concerned glances as they left. 

But only one stayed. 

"Is there a good reason you disappeared on me? Because I'll tell you right now that I'm not a big fan of that shit."

Adora felt herself deflate like a balloon. It didn't feel right that Catra still held enough power to make her feel guilty.

The distractions hadn't worked. She had tried working on her paper, but that just frustrated more. She moved onto grading instead. She'd let her TAs off the hook for about half the essays, except when she reached Catra's paper, she froze. _Had she given Catra anything other than an A since their fling started?_

"Work… I uh, I got really busy with grading." 

She didn't want to believe Glimmer, except she couldn't think of a reason not to. It had only taken a few hours for the seed of conflicted doubt to sprout into a tree of shame. She couldn't sleep feeling like she'd been played for a fool. She couldn't sleep because as hurt as she was, she still didn't want to end things. She couldn't sleep because even though she knew she had to, she simply didn't know how. So she didn't sleep. 

"Uh huh." Catra leaned against the wall. "This was your idea, you know."

 _She didn't sleep at all._

"Then I had a paper of my own to do, too. It's been a lot. Sorry... I went to bed late." Adora said, keeping her gaze low as she started to pack up her things. She knew she had to say it - and not over text, that was for sure. She had to be smart about it, which meant she couldn't leave any evidence. Adora knew that Catra could do a lot of damage if she was angry. 

She stared at the ground, feeling her eyes well up. She should be the angry one. She should be furious. 

"Fucking- ah _shit._ I didn't mean to make you cry. Hey, Adora? Adora." Catra's voice went from pissed to urgent in an entirely different way. 

But Adora wasn't mad, and it was for reasons like that. It was impossible to stay mad at Catra. 

It was going to hurt to do it. She wasn't going to be able to without crying, that much was clear. She despised that she couldn't suppress it. Before Adora could swallow the lump in her throat and actually try, she felt surprisingly delicate fingers on her jaw. 

"Adora, look at me. What's going on?" Catra was almost pressed against her body, much too close and looking into Adora's eyes. Adora hated that Catra was the one who read her so well. She hated that after realizing the truth, she still craved the warmth of Catra's touch. She opened her mouth and-

The door creaked. Catra tooka swift step back and Adora startled as a student suddenly reentered the lecture hall. He didn't seem to notice anything, but the effect was the same nonetheless. No privacy. They would have to talk somewhere else. 

They waited for the student to find whatever they'd left behind. Once they were alone again, Adora wiped her eyes and forced herself to meet Catra's gaze. "... Are we still on for tonight?"

Catra looked surprised. "You want to?"

It was the only idea Adora had. 

"Yeah… Um… I think I need to. Maybe we can talk about it." 

\---

Talk, yes. 

But Adora had no intention of taking Catra to her house. All she wanted was a little privacy and a little time. Privacy for the obvious reason, and time to work up the courage. She parked behind the chemical engineering building. It was their agreed upon spot because it was the closest she could get to Catra's dorm without actually being there.

Adora tried to brace herself. All she had to do was keep Catra's hands off her long enough to get the words out. She was resting her head against the steering wheel when the passenger side door finally opened.

"Hey." Catra sat down next to her. She had her backpack with her. "You any better?"

"I'm… Uh…" Suddenly paranoid, Adora stared at the bag; Catra stared at Adora. "Why do you have that…?"

"Huh?"

"I guess I didn't think you were planning on doing homework..." It hurt. It felt like proof of something sinister, and Adora hated that. Maybe Catra had planned to get homework answers out of Adora. Comfort her, then exploit the opportunity. It was enough evidence for her to take a deep breath and decide to will herself through the conversation. "S-So, Listen Catra-" 

"It's not homework. You really think I give a shit about school when I'm with you?"

Adora blinked. "... What?"

"It's a surprise, idiot." Catra said, turning red and sounding genuinely exasperated. No, not only that - embarrassed. She nervously stuffed the bag under her feet, kicking it down with her heels. "Look, I feel like shit for making you cry. I know you're and have work. Maybe I was being oversensitive, so I thought I'd make it up to you. Uh, try to be romantic or some shit like that... Sorry that I'm really not good at this stuff. I just want tonight to be good."

Another blink. Adora looked away from Catra, choosing instead to stare out the windshield and at the endless grey of the parking lot. Because it didn't sound like Catra was trying to get something out of her. It didn't even sound like Catra was just after sex. 

"Uh, Adora?"

"... Romantic?"

"What are people supposed to do when they like someone?"

It didn't make any sense.

_Could Glimmer be wrong?_

A flood of awkwardness invaded every limb of Adora's body. Her hands almost slipped from the steering wheel. She felt like she was made of expired jello. 

"Yeah, yeah." She mumbled. "Sorry… Thank you for…that. I, um, appreciate it."

"Okay… Are we going or what?"

Now Adora didn't know what to think. She couldn't just end things after that. She needed more time. She needed more proof, one way or the other. She had to be smart about this, remember? 

So, she was forced into doing literally the only thing she could… Pulling out of the lot. At least to Adora, the quietness turned fraught awfully quickly. She chewed on her tongue, feeling Catra's eyes burning into her. Part of her wanted to look back at her and take her in - because she _needed_ to understand, but the road demanded her attention.

After a minute or so, Catra broke the silence. "Do you want to talk about today? Or…"

"Oh. Yes, I mean yep. I can...talk." Adora had no what to substitute for the breakup-ish conversation. 

"That bad, huh." 

She didn't respond for a few seconds, trying to balance the storm of confusion in her head. Eventually, she settled on something simple. "Yes."

Catra also took her time. Long enough that it was making Adora uneasy. But then, "I'd hit something, if I were you. Exercise and stuff. That's what I do." 

That… That was what Catra thought up for a reply? 

"... You hit things?"

Catra chuckled, then shifted to look away from Adora. She simply nodded and wistfully stared out the window. A quick glance and Adora saw the faint reflection of Catra's eyes in the glass. 

More confusion stirred in Adora's chest. It wasn't her favorite color or band. It definitely wasn't her age, but it felt like something. 

_She didn't want Glimmer to be right._

Adora cleared her throat. "Why do you hit things…?"

_She wanted Catra to open up._

"Aren't we talking about you?"

"It… I guess it makes me happy to hear a little about you. It might help me, I don't know." 

Another peek, and their eyes met. Catra had glanced at the same time. "Well I certainly don't want you to be _sad._ So okay, sometimes when it feels like the world is out to get me- I don't really know? It helps to fight back a little." 

"I think I used to do that more. Fight back." 

"I'm guessing life got in the way." 

It was Adora's turn to nod. She tapped on the steering wheel, feeling a sliver of the tension start to release. That was twice now. Twice Catra had said something about herself. Maybe she could still talk through everything without tipping Catra off. She had to be careful to speak half truths though, because downright lying would be difficult. "About my problem... I already told you I made a mistake."

"Your work thing? You sure did." Catra let out a dry chuckle. "Your whole damn career." 

"Yeah, um. I guess it feels like people have all these expectations about me. Like- like my paper…! That's uh, part of what's stressing me lately. Some people only want to talk to me when I can do something for them. Even some students…" She bit her lip. "Only want me for references." 

"This isn't the time to ask for a letter of recommendation, then?" Oh. Ow... "Fuck, I suck at this. Okay, don't look that alarmed. I already have mine for grad school. That was shitty a time for a joke."

Oh…?

Adora froze for a moment. Catra was a senior then? Adora should've known. She knew Catra had mentioned her graduation date at least once. If she were younger, it would've set off alarm bells and she wouldn't have forgotten. At least Adora hadn't accidentally gotten involved with - and she shuddered at the thought, _a freshman._

That meant at least one of Glimmer's points was moot. 

Adora snapped back into focus when she realized she was sitting at a right turn on red. She needed to pay more attention, or they wouldn't make it home at all. 

"I'm trying that again." Catra turned back to directly face Adora once more. "This is probably going to sound just as bad, but why don't you just quit? Half of what you talk about is how much you hate it."

"I'd have to figure out what I want to do. It's not like I can drop everything and join the Peace Corps." 

"Why not?" It sounded like Catra genuinely believed what she was saying. "Go on and do it. Haven't I said that before? Seriously, you were absolutely miserable today."

"I know you're in college, but I think you're being a little idealistic." Adora said, the logical part of her brain agreeing wholeheartedly - the emotional not wanting Catra to stop. It was then that the house finally came into view, and it was then Adora knew logic would win. Her mind wandered back to why she'd brought up work in the first place. "I'd need training for something else. I can't pay my bills without a job… I can't just lose it because of some far fetched hopes and dreams that'll never happen."

Adora turned off the ignition and unbuckled her seatbelt, then swung open the car door to step out onto the driveway. 

"Yeah well... I don't think you should let people walk all over you." Catra followed suit. "That's not you, Adora."

Well that was a thought. 

Adora waited for Catra to retrieve her bag before heading inside. Once they were both in, she experienced another spike of panic and discomfort. Had she really just taken Catra to her home? She was about to have an early-to-midlife crisis. 

Forget want. She needed Glimmer to be wrong; she needed Catra to open up way more. Otherwise- Otherwise- Adora didn't know. 

_The flattery was nice, but Catra did that a lot. It wasn't going to be enough._

"I guess I need to distract you from your work problem, huh?" 

How was Adora supposed to figure this out and not prematurely ruin everything while also maintaining boundaries? 

"You don't need t-"

Adora jumped as she was practically pushed against the wall. Catra planted her hand next to her head. "Look, it's going to happen. Now I am trying with the talking thing, especially because you like it so much. But you and I both know that's not my best strength when it comes to destressing." 

"Catra-"

"So here's the deal." She was already starting to close the distance. "You're going to chill the hell out because I'm-"

"Catra, stop." 

"What…?" She looked shocked that her move hadn't worked. 

"I need more talking tonight. That's- That's the kind of distraction I need."

"Are you sure I'm not just going to make things worse if we do that?"

No. Adora wasn't sure. That was the painful point of it all. It hurt, but she knew she had to stick with it. 

"I- can we at least have dinner first? I'm really hungry..." Almost like a date, but not. It had been her intention when she first brought the idea to Catra. Remembering that hurt too. 

Catra slowly let up on Adora's body. It took until that moment for her to realize how hard her heart hammered even when sex definitely wasn't happening. _Damn it, Catra still had that effect too._ "You seriously want to have dinner with me?"

"Y-Yes." Adora took in a shaky breath, then pulled out her phone and opened an ordering app. She tried not to think about how if her heart was wrong about Catra - that she was only digging herself into a deeper hole. "I mean- mhm. Sure."

Which place delivered the fastest? She needed something that would get there quick enough to stop Catra from trying anything new. It would give them both time to discuss. Think. Also, if things went even further south, maybe she could order something spicy and pretend she was sick to avoid sex. 

"You like Chinese?"

"That's fine."

"Okay." Adora inputted her order, then placed her phone in Catra's hand and somewhat awkwardly slid from in between her and wall. She still stood next to her, just not in such an intimate position. Once Catra handed her phone back, Adora motioned to the nearest hallway. 

"I need to use the bathroom." 

She needed to gather herself.

Adora entered the bathroom, closed the door, then braced her palms on the edges of the porcelain sink. She stared into the mirror. She was sweaty, obviously flustered. Breathing a touch too fast. 

What was she doing? 

_Catra was hard to predict._

She really should have a solid plan. One that didn't involve her asking Catra if she was playing her. One that didn't involve Adora crying. One that didn't involve having sex. One that didn't involve _anything like that,_ something Catra-proof. 

Adora actually laughed at herself. 

It felt like an impossible challenge. 

The Glimmer inside her told her to give up and cut her losses. Catra's flattery meant nothing. She didn't even have to ask for a grade bump, all she needed was for Adora to like her. Adora clenched the sink even harder, trying not to break down again. 

_Because as long as Adora liked her, Catra would still get whatever she wanted…_

Her heart ached. Never mind a solid plan, she'd settle for serviceable.

When Adora came out, Catra was in the living room, by the bookshelf and reading titles. But there was another change, just in the dining room - there was wine on the table. 

"I told you I was trying to cheer you up." Catra said, looking over at Adora. She was a little stiff. Awkward. Probably from the rejection before. 

"You bought that for me?"

"You strike me as the kind of person who swore to never drink, but then life got hard and so you started having wine during bubble baths."

"How…" Adora didn't even have words. 

"I was going to get it after we- whatever. I just wanted you to know- cause like… I... Never mind." Catra turned back to the bookshelf, voice grumbled and embarrassed. "Since we're having dinner, I guess we might as well have it then." 

Adora didn't know how to function normally at that, but she knew she should probably try. She hesitated, but managed to force herself to to go stand next to Catra. "So... Want me to show you around while we wait?"

It was something to do. 

"Lead on."

Even if there wasn't much to see. Well, that's what Adora thought. What was so great about the sunroom? Or her study? In fact, that was more embarrassing than anything. She hadn't bothered cleaning it out since she moved her work to the office. She cringed at the old papers. It truly wasn't that interesting, yet Catra seemed to think otherwise. It wasn't actually that obvious - she didn't stop and stare, but her eyes darted everywhere, taking everything in.

That made it all the more unexpected when they came to halt. 

What caused the disruption? 

"You were in a horse vaulting competition when you were 16." Catra picked up a rather dusty award. "You were a horse girl?"

"Yeah, um. Unfortunately. I stopped though."

"That makes sense." She wasn't as awkward as before. In fact, that familiar smirk played on the edge of her lips. 

It felt like something had shifted. Why was she smiling like that? Add another thing to the mounting list: how the hell was Adora supposed to keep up? 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

Catra handed Adora the award. "Second place."

Adora's mouth fell open. That was what Catra was going to use to break the tension? _That?_ Well yeah, Catra didn't know how dire things were. But, "Really? That's the first thing you have to say on the whole tour?"

"It's just that you don't like missing first place." 

"It was a bad day for me…!"

"Sure was. I don't know why you let it extend into the rest of your life, but you know." Catra shrugged, looking a little too pleased with herself. 

"Is that why you mentioned it?"

"Hey idiot, you wanted to talk instead of fuck. Stop making me go to all the effort." She took Adora's hand, firmly pulling on it to get her moving again. 

The tour didn't last long. As expected, the food did arrive fast. Not quite as fast as Adora poured herself a glass of wine, but close. The dining table was too formal, so they ended up at the island in the kitchen. Adora on the end, Catra adjacent to her and leaning against the counter like she was relaxed. 

"Wow, this is shit." Catra's single sip already seemed her last. "I can't believe I wasted my money."

Catra was right. It was truly awful, but that wasn't going to stop Adora from drinking it. "It's something."

"That's what I get for trying, oh well. So. Horse girl."

"Yes?" Adora was still nervous - nervous enough to immediately reply to that, damn it.

Catra's smirk turned something devious. "What do you want to talk about?"

Adora wasn't sure. 

A half a glass of wine later, and she still wasn't sure what she was doing. It didn't help that her stomach was still off enough that food didn't seem like such a great idea, and so she really only picked at it. The positive difference was that at least by then, she had succeeded in calming her nerves a little. It was enough to get her _trying_ to figure Catra out. 

She'd gotten two small confessions out in the car, but things were different now. Catra was more herself. More guarded. Adora decided to start with the simplest question. 

_"What's um, your favorite color?"_

That only discouraged her, though. Maybe it was too simple.

_"The hell kind of question is that?"_

But it made her worry that Glimmer still had a point. Why wouldn't Catra answer such an easy question? The pattern continued for a while. Totally unbeknownst to Catra, things were actually worsening - until they swapped over to school. 

The risky topic Adora was most afraid of discussing. 

_"What classes are you taking?"_

Catra had hesitated. She narrowed her eyes. She still looked a little suspicious, but then? Then, she finally answered. Adora sat up a little straighter. It sounded like Catra was in some STEM field. Not an exact major, but it'd do. 

So Adora probed further, and she actually got Catra on a mini-rant on one of her other classes. 

_"Why- Why would he assign a group project in an online class? I would never do that."_

Adora was definitely a better professor than that guy. Soon, the questions came more naturally. 

_"You seriously got your TA fired? Jeez…"_

And for once, so did the answers. Yes, sometimes still shortly, but they came nonetheless. That, or perhaps the alcohol, or perhaps both - made Adora feel nice and fuzzy inside. The balance of the conversation started to even out. 

_"Lab is the worst. Mine was my only D. It wasn't a major class, so they said it was passing and I decided not to retake it. I still can't look at my transcript though." Adora shuddered at the thought._

_"I thought the papers would end, but then I went to grad school and I'm pretty sure they're designed to kill me." It was a surprise she'd ever gotten into grad school._

"Tell me about it. I have to finish my dumb senior thesis by next fucking week." Catra cut rather violently into one of her last pieces of chicken. "But I can't fucking get the right words to end it. I hate writing. You know?"

"It feels like we're back to my work problem." Adora smiled. "Thanks for that."

"Oh boo hoo, you're with me. Shut up. It's a normal date conversation- _wait,_ fuck- I mean-"

There it was. Catra was red and frustrated. 

"-If you want that-"

Adora froze mid chew. Catra had actually hoped this was a date. 

"-fuck why am I bad at this-"

That was it. There was no other reason for that. 

"-shit. Don't you dare fucking tease me about that." 

And the **wine.** It clicked. 

It was too good to be true. _But it was true_ and Adora had never been so happy to be wrong in her life. Oh boy was Glimmer going to hear it. 

"I-..." She swallowed her food a little quick, hit a coughing fit that took at least ten seconds to subside, then looked back up at Catra with a smile and watering eyes. "I'm okay. You're okay. This is a date, we're all good, I swear."

Catra looked immensely relieved. "... You sure you're not about to choke?"

Adora felt the most wonderful warmth spreading from her chest. It went everywhere. She knew she wasn't containing it at all. She took another gratuitous sip of wine, confidence bolstered by at least ten notches. "If I did, at least you're here."

"Heh. Bold of you to assume I'd be any help. I've never done the heimlich."

"I know how to do it to myself," Adora said, remembering the research she'd done all those years ago when she was into survival stuff. Sigh, those were the days. "I'd really just need a chai-"

And that was when Catra cursed stupidly loudly. Adora jolted, but quickly realized it was all because of a piece of chicken that had dropped on the ground. Catra looked back up at Adora, their eye contact momentarily tense. And then it broke. They both laughed. It didn't really stop. Not only that, Catra was recounting even more stories about herself. Nothing too deep, but it was unprompted. No more questions. So it all counted. Adora treasured every single tale. 

Soon enough, her wine glass was empty. She wasn't eating anymore either.

The moment Catra noticed, the conversation died down. She moved behind Adora and rested her chin on Adora's shoulder. She cupped one of her breasts, then slowly trailed her fingers down between her thighs. "... What do you know, talking worked."

"Yeah, who would've guessed." 

Breath tickled Adora's ear. "Can I show you the second surprise yet?"

Another? 

"Hm… Yes." 

Catra led her to the bedroom, stopping only to retrieve her bag. By now, Adora had noticed a recurring theme. They were hardly inside before Catra was almost possessively running her hands over Adora's body. They weren't even on the bed.

"Someth _wowokay-_ something on your mind?"

"Now you're not on the verge of a panic attack, yes." Catra teased. 

Maybe she didn't want Adora taking over like last time - or maybe it was something else, but Catra wasn't as aggressive as last time. She wasn't as needy as she usually was either; instead, she was focused. Oh so focused on stripping Adora down. 

"What's the other something?"

"Later."

 _Always later,_ and that still bothered Adora a little. But the irritation fell away as Catra unbuttoned her shirt and pulled it apart to reveal Adora's bra. She dipped down to kiss the upper half of each breast.

"Ye-aaahnnnokay…" If Adora had any control of the situation before, she was rapidly losing it. 

"Good." Catra mumbled against her skin. "Doesn't matter right now."

The last comprehensive thought Adora had was that it probably mattered quite a lot. Then her id took over again and things became fuzzy.

Catra continued peeling off Adora's clothing, which meant she kept having to end contact between them. Each time Catra returned, Adora was distinctly more bare. She bit down on Adora's neck to satiate her between a few murmured commands.

Nails were drawn across her back. 

It was only when she felt air rush down there that Adora realized Catra had managed to completely undress her. Catra quickly did the same. 

_Adora was never going to get used to that._

Catra leveraged her control to force Adora to sit on the edge of the bed, then positioned herself on top of Adora's lap, grinding herself along one thigh and letting out a small shudder. She growled down the slip of neediness, clearly displeased it came out so fast. 

Adora tried to pull out of the fog, take back control, tease - or at the very least, make Catra work for it. But Catra had other plans. She grabbed a fistful of blonde hair and pushed Adora's face forwards, pressing her lips against the lower part of Catra's neck. "Stay put."

Adora complied. 

It was with a satisfied purr that Catra began to rock herself into pleasure. Adora barely suppressed her own instinctual groan when Catra planted her hands on her shoulders as she ground down.

"Can I touch you?" Adora pleaded against her skin. 

"No."

"Please?" 

"No means no, haven't- _ahh…_ Haven't you seen the posters?"

"Catra…"  
.  
"I said no. I'm going to finish, and you're going to wait. But," She slowed her movements enough to whisper above the slick sounds of movement below. "Keep. Begging."

She picked back up quickly. Catra was efficient, because of course she was. She was rough on herself. The work must've been tiresome. 

But Adora obliged her command.

"Please let me touch you."

In between pressing hard kisses on Catra's throat. Despite her position, Adora delighted each time she elicited a sound from Catra. 

"No."

The wetness on her thigh soon made finding friction more difficult. Catra's grinding became labored. Adora angled her leg just slightly more up, enough to help - but not enough to get caught. 

"Why can't I?"

"Because-" And it did help. Catra couldn't hold back a gasp, a failure in her book, and so then she growled. "-you're not allowed."

"But I want to." 

Adora was lost to how Catra felt against her. Her frustrated grunts. How roughly she fucked herself. She continued to diligently leave bruises on Catra's neck, filling with happiness whenever a particularly well placed one caused Catra's rocking to stutter. 

After an immense amount of effort, it all came undone. 

Catra's fingers finally moved back up to grasp Adora's hair, holding Adora's face tight to her chest as she tumbled into what was undoubtedly an orgasm. She thrust herself against Adora's thigh a few more times, movements becoming consecutively weaker as they went along - until they stopped entirely. Until Catra let go of Adora's head. She slumped over.

Adora cupped both of Catra's cheeks to hold her face up. "Why'd you do that?"

Catra let out a weak laugh and rolled her eyes. "To come?"

"Why didn't you let me touch you?"

"You're doing too much." She got off Adora's lap, still panting slightly. Her body glistened from sweat. She had the most self satisfied grin. 

"I'm not. I can-…" Adora's trailed off, eyes widening.

Because Catra had reached down to grab her bag. She opened it up. Part two. Later was now.

"You are if work practically leaves you in tears. So stop talking," She pulled out a box. "And let me finish this off by doing the one thing I know how to do."

"You mean-"

"Fuck you. I mean fuck you, you idiot." 

"Wait," She was talking about Adora. "You're wearing it?"

If you had asked Adora who would've worn the strap on, she would've said herself. That was her gut, easy. Her on top of Catra. Meeting her needs, checking in and leaving soft kisses all over her body. It was simply the natural response. Then again, Catra hardly ever let Adora on top, and she was constantly initiating, so maybe it shouldn't have been a surprise... 

"Yeah the fuck I'm wearing it." She almost looked offended. "It's mine. Besides, I got you all worked up for a reason."

She planned it. Adora could hardly believe it. 

Catra's apparent desire to take care of Adora was confusing. Not that it was actually confusing, but it was confusing to Adora. Catra wasn't usually soft about her care - and this was no different. It was gruff. Awkward, even. It was entirely foreign to how Adora personally went about it, but it was still real.

"Shut up. I'm doing this."

So very real. 

So very vulnerable. 

Adora reminded herself that she was going to let Catra have whatever she wanted. She allowed her to guide them both onto lying on the bed, Adora settling on her back and with Catra on top. The closeness was intoxicating. It still felt strange, though. 

Catra had been in control a few times before, _she literally just was,_ but it wasn't ever like this. Not in the office. Not even in the lounge. Adora felt out of her element being so completely underneath Catra and without any chance of pleasing her. Without any chance to tip the odds in her favor. "Are you positive you don't want me to do you?" 

"Fuck, Adora." Catra huffed with slight indignation. "Have some faith in me for once."

"I do, it's just…"

Catra reached down to position the strap at Adora's entrance. She rocked forth a slight nudge, probably to get Adora to shut up - but the moment the tip pushed inside, a wave of emotions crashed over Adora. 

_Catra was doing this for her._

It was sudden, but she felt like she was about to cry. Again. It was guilt. The day had been hard, okay? And she didn't often get many chances to emotionally release the stuff she bottled up inside. 

Catra noticed the change immediately and started to pull out. "Fuck- _shitfuckingshit,_ does it hurt…!?"

"N-No, no. It's not that. Wait..." Adora held her in place. "I'm just… I'm so sorry for not texting you. I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned. I shouldn't have done that. I'm guilty and-"

"Oh fuck, Adora. You can't just fucking do that. I thought I hurt you. Listen though, I shouldn't have gotten so pissed. Let it go and we'll call it even." 

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure, idiot." Catra sighed. "You know I like this side of you, but maybe at like 25% of where you're at. At least when we're having sex."

Adora laughed at that. It was a pitiful laugh, but Catra smiled down at her. "Okay, I can dial it back." 

"Thanks a ton." Catra pushed in a little further, then paused again. "I mean, if you need to then stop me. Duh. But like-"

"I will." Adora quieted her. 

With that assurance, Catra started churning her hips. The sensation pulled a weak moan from Adora's lips; her back arched ever so slightly. Catra began slow, but picked up the pace much sooner than Adora expected. Catra was clearly impatient to transform Adora's soft gasps to something louder. 

There was no pain, only pleasure. The toy was perfect; Catra was perfect too, and Adora was already more than wet enough to be taken along for the ride. Although she tried not to let it be just that - she tried to meet Catra and tease her back just a little. But when Catra threatened to pin her wrists and punished her with a particularly sharp thrust, Adora gave in. She even instinctively spread her legs further apart. 

"Good…" Catra looked so incredibly smug at her victory. 

She has a right to be. She had the rare ability to break Adora apart, piece by piece, then put her back together again in whatever shape she desired. 

Adora whimpered and clutched at Catra's waist. She cried something out. She wasn't sure what. Catra braced her hands on either side of Adora, pumping into that perfect spot she always managed to find. Adora vaguely perceived Catra's increased panting and more erratic thrusts - but what she was doing was still amazing. She knew Adora so well.

She was so beautiful above like that. She was slim, but it was obvious how toned she was too - especially from Adora's angle. It was in how she squared her shoulders to pump. How she tensed her whole body. How she made the bed creak from her efforts. 

_How could Adora have almost let this go?_

"Catra…! MmhhC-Catra… Catra-"

"Nice to see," Catra grunted with pleasure. "That you need me."

"I- I do…!" Adora gasped, holding yet tighter after the strap brushed past a new and wonderful spot she'd never felt before. 

Catra watched her, the tiredness in her eyes steadily growing. But that was more than fine. That could be fixed. Adora moved her hands up Catra's back and summoned all of her strength to pull Catra down on top of her. Catra kept thrusting as best she could from her new position. Each was short, and each was accompanied with a labored grunt. 

"I do." Adora repeated. She felt it in her chest. "I do I do I do I swear I do."

_Was she in love?_

The inevitable washed over Adora as soon as the thought came. She wrapped her legs around Catra's waist. She hid her face in Catra's shoulder, biting down on her lip to suppress the loudest of her moans. The heat that raced through her body seemed to last forever; yet eventually, Adora went limp. Catra slowly pulled the strap out, removed it, then tossed it to the side. She crawled next to Adora, completely out of breath and even sweatier than before. The two of them had practically made a puddle. 

"Please tell me… You can stop stressing about work for at least a day now..." Catra groaned and hugged a pillow as if she were the one who just came. 

"I can." Adora kissed her forehead, happy when Catra accepted the gesture. "You feeling okay?" 

"Yeah, just… Thirsty… Fuck man…"

"Let me get some water for you." 

"Okay," Catra nodded weakly. "But come back fast." 

Adora left, quick to get Catra the best cup with the coldest ice for her water. Filtered, of course. She also took the opportunity to retrieve a celebratory glass of wine from the dining room. She wasn't much of a drinker, but if there was a time for it, it was then. Even if it tasted bad. It wasn't about that. 

Adora with a drink in each hand, slipping back into bed to be with a very amused Catra.

"What's the occasion?" She asked, taking the cup and gulping half of it down in one go. So dramatic. 

"Kind of a celebration." Adora smiled nonetheless. 

"For what?"

_For getting screwed and not being screwed._

"Let's call it a mystery." 

The next half hour wore on roughly in that fashion. Teasing interspersed with kissing, kissing interspersed with cuddling and minor adjustments. Pretty soon, it couldn't be more obvious that Adora ate too little and drank a little too fast. It was safe to say that even while pacing the half portion sized second glass, she might've been slightly tipsy. Whatever it was, it was mixed with delirious happiness. 

"I just want you to know," Adora giggled. "You chose the worst wine I've ever had."

She was sitting up, back resting against the headboard and with drink in hand. Catra was on top of her. She let her head relax onto Adora's chest, the rest of her body sprawled over Adora's form. 

"What, you want me to go get us some Smirnoff instead?"

"No no! I take it back. This is great." 

"I already told you that I was trying to be romantic, you know."

"I know, and it's very sweet." Catra visibly blushed. Aw. "But you need practice."

For a second, Adora worried Catra might be offended. Loose lips and all. Instead, Catra tilted her head up to look directly into Adora's eyes. "Riiiight. Teach me then, Professor."

"Oh my God, that is such a terrible line. Don't tell me you're into that."

"I'm into you, dumbass. So it's going to work. Are you going to tell me how to be romantic or are you going to leave me alone with my own ideas?"

It wasn't like Adora knew much more about romance than Catra did. But she could have some fun with it. "Mmmm, I think you might be right."

"I know I am."

"Okay, I'll teach you." She placed her wine glass on the bed stand and squinted at the ceiling fan. Thinking was _hard._ "So, let's see. Firstly you… Firstly, you forgot flowers. That's like, uhhh, the first thing."

"Thank you for repeating your point. I am already astounded by your infinite knowledge." 

"Oh shut uppp! I'm trying over here. Besides, that's what I do! I literally repeat things all day. It's a habit."

"Uh huh. Alright, flowers." Catra rolled her eyes. "I'll get the roses with the thorns still on then. Next piece of advice?" 

Thorns were an acceptable price to pay to know Catra. To have Catra gazing up at her like she was the only one in the world. It was like Adora could make the perfect girlfriend. 

"Chocolates. I love chocolate." She felt giddy and young again. 

"Somehow I knew you'd say that." 

"You're very smart!"

"And you're a princess." Catra teased. "Do you need a horse ride through a field of wheat too?"

"No, I am a _professor,_ thank you. I need-... Uhm..." Adora couldn't think of what she needed. She had it all there. 

"Right, right. So sorry, Professor. Am I going to get quizzed on this?"

She paused, contemplating playing further into it. Everything was peachy, so why not? "If you don't pay attention, absolutely."

"Okay, noted. But chocolates. Really? Seems kind of sappy. It was easier to pin you against the wall."

"Well, it worked. So maybe you have a point."

"Maybe? You're naked. You've been naked like a dozen times. How many more times-"

"Shhh, let me thinkkk."

"Nope." Catra smirked, swiftly adjusting her position so she could roll her tongue over one of Adora's nipples. Adora almost gave in to the surprise before a certain memory surfaced yet again. 

"I have! A third thing!"

"Oh God," Catra pulled away with a dramatic sigh. She was smiling though. "What now? Haven't I learned enough?"

"I swear I'm going to quiz you." Adora said, vaguely registering that things were getting a bit more hazy. "So let me finish."

"My apologies, Professor." 

"Good, good. The last thing…" 

"Yeah?" Catra tilted her head. 

"Is actually telling me what you were going to say like…" She couldn't add it up in her head. "All those days ago! It's going to drive me crazy."

Catra's eyes widened, but they soon turned soft. Possibly softer than Adora had ever seen. "You're an incessant idiot. But yeah, I… I think I can do that." 

"Wait, really? You will?" 

"Yes, calm down though." Catra seemed nervous as she sat up. It was adorable. "You can't freak out."

"Why would I freak out?"

"It's kind of big."

"I can take it. I just took a str-"

"I'm serious, Adora. I thought you would've realized by now, but I guess you kind of suck at reading signals." She offered a shy smile. Jeez, she was cuuute. 

"I do. I do." Adora nodded enthusiastically. "So tell me!"

"I said calm down, dummy. Just give me a sec."

Adora was not remotely calm. She was practically vibrating from anticipation, brimming with excitement and wearing the dopiest grin. Catra started to lean in, pupils dilated. 

She was doing it! She was telling Adora something! Something deep! That meant she wanted to share things with Adora. Wine, sex, what next!?

A little further - and Catra was very much so within kissing distance. But Adora restrained herself. She could see the freckles scattered across the bridge of her nose. How her smile was crooked. The way in which her breaths became shorter and more apprehensive the closer she was. The pinkness forming on her cheeks that not even she could deny. Yes, with a gush of overwhelming honey-like warmth that was most definitely spurred into existence by the wine - Adora realized she was definitely in love. 

She let out the most dumbly drawn out sigh. "Ahhh… Catra… I'm _sooo_ glad I was wrong about you." 

Catra's nervous smile vanished. Adora felt her own slide off her face as her happiness petered into nothing. All that remained was the fog of the alcohol, and she couldn't seem to think. All she could do was stare at Catra's rigid expression. 

"... What?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now you know why I made Adora the professor.
> 
> Because she's the stupid one. 
> 
> Good job, buddy. Peak intelligence. Pure class. We are so very proud of you and your flawless decision making skills.


	4. Fuck. You. Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY TO BEGIN:
> 
> Def remember that in the show Eternians and Etherians are canonically different people from different planets. The First Ones came to Etheria and la dee da. I'm blending it as I like, but that's a good basis to keep in mind. 
> 
> Wow that sounded so out of context. Okay uhhh, back to where we left off.

The second worst date of Adora's life happened when she was 19. They were at a boardwalk carnival. It had started with Adora thinking she was head over heels for Huntara, but she soon discovered that her date was not as exciting as she first appeared. In fact, she wasn’t the right person for Adora at all. Huntara thought the rides Adora liked were stupid. She didn't want to eat fair food. She even thought holding hands was a waste of time. The one time Adora got her to try a game, Adora beat her. That had been a mistake. 

The whole date had been a mistake.

Especially when Adora's dull, hormone fueled brain realized that Huntara was only there for one reason. She wanted to have sex. More specifically, she wanted to have sex _under_ the boardwalk. On the sand. Where the tide came in. It took an uncountable number of panicked excuses to escape the would-be murder spot. 

Glimmer was actually right back then. She was the one who warned Adora that going on that date was a terrible idea. She was the one that whacked her with a newspaper once she heard what happened. After that fiasco, Adora had profusely promised her friend that she would listen to her advice from then on. So she did, and you know the rest.

She ended up saying _that._ Brain as foggy as it was, she was somehow entirely aware that was about to be the first worst date in her life. Even if she knew how to smooth things over - which she absolutely did not, there was no unsaying what she'd just said. 

"What do you mean wrong about me?" Catra asked, low and suspicious. Her eyes were devoid of all previous joy. It was alarming.

"I… It uhh, it's really nothing." Adora instinctively laid her hands over Catra's to keep from pulling away. She tried to push through the haze in her mind. Tried to make herself sound convincing. "It was stupid."

"Adora."

But if she couldn't lie while sober...

"I don't think-"

She certainly couldn't lie while inebriated.

"I need to know." Catra didn't look like she wanted to, but she had already started to slide her hands out from underneath Adora's. 

And so Adora held them tighter. She didn't want to lose the precious contact. "Okay, um… For a little bit… I… Uhhh…"

Her unfocused eyes flitted all over the room, looking for a distraction. Lamps and clothing were not going to cut it. She was drawn back to Catra’s face. 

"You what?"

"I didn't know why…" Adora trailed off, half out of dread and half because she couldn't come up with a soft way to phrase it. Catra's expectation did not waver. "Why you wanted to be with me…? So, I… I guess I thought that since I'm your professor- and-... Well, you aren't. I know that, I promise."

What little had remained of the warmth in the room quickly disappeared alongside Catra's happiness. At first, she didn't say anything. It was so quiet that Adora wasn’t sure if she’d merely thought what she said or actually managed to say it. 

Far too many seconds passed, but then Catra let out a shaky laugh. "Heh. That's… That's rich."

"That's...rich?" 

"Yup. That's rich." She repeated flatly. "I slept with my professor who teaches a 100 level GenEd so I wouldn't fail. I didn't even know that about myself, wow."

It was cold. It did not match the laugh, unhappy as it already was. Adora didn’t know what to do with it. Her instinct was to comfort, but the laugh felt strangely like an attack. 

"I… I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that…" 

"O-kay." Catra clenched her jaw shut and finally tugged her hands away to reach for her top. She didn't even bother to retrieve her bra before pulling the shirt over her head. 

Adora recognized what was happening after only a second or two of delay. "Wait, slow down. Don't do that."

"I mean, honestly. You didn't think to just ask me?" Catra found her pants and underwear next. "I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that. Even if I would, it wouldn't be yours. It'd be _'Bioinformatics and Integrated Genomics II.'_ Like fuck."

"But-"

"And you didn't even need to talk to me. You could've just checked my grades! You know what I had in your class before this started? A 97. I have a 95 now. By that logic, this is bad for me. Maybe we should stop. You know. To help it." She sat on the edge of the bed, already onto her shoes, completely disregarding her socks. Her hands were shaking too much. She clenched them momentarily in an attempt to still them. "… I don't need- I can't have another person thinking I'm a piece of shit. I just can't."

Adora recognized the vulnerability in Catra's words. She could see it in her face, although she held her features stiff. 

"No, no- Catra. You aren't like that. I like you. I like you a lot. I hated thinking it was true. That's what made me all sad and- and-" The words jumbled uncomfortably in her head. She leaned over to touch Catra’s shoulder to make up for her imprecision. "You're not a piece of shit."

Only to have it gruffly brushed off. Because apparently, that was yet again the incorrect thing to say. Adora's hand fell limply to the bedsheets, somehow, they too were cold. 

The only heat came from Catra's eyes. They were bright with anger that far outshone anything Adora had seen before. _"That's_ what made you sad today?" 

"Yes, but Catra… You're not hearing me. I-"

"So let me get this straight, talking about feelings when something's wrong only applies when it's me? You get to hide it? You get to lie?"

"I didn't mean to lie...! But what- what was I supposed to do? Tell you…!?"

"I- I don't know..” It was Catra’s only stutter. “I don't- _fucking_ know. But you don't have anything to worry about me using you for my grade. Not anymore." She finally managed to finish her shoes, then stood up and threw the toy into her bag. 

It took a second for it to hit, yet when it did...

"... You're dropping my class?" Adora thought her heart was going to break. "But what about graduating? Won't that set you back?"

"I don't care. I can't deal with this. I didn't even do anything and you still- fuck." Catra was already on her phone - undoubtedly pulling up the registration system. 

"Let's talk through this, okay? We can talk through everything. What else can I say to convince you?"

Catra said nothing. The rapid typing was replaced with even more rapid scrolling. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you. Let me fix this!" 

She didn't seem to notice what Adora was saying. That, or she didn't care. Whatever was true, she was focused on impulsively finding an out. A way out that wasn't necessary - because if she would just _listen,_ if they talked, they could fix it. Adora needed was time to-

"Shit. _Shitshitshit_ it's past the drop date. What the hell am I- wait, wait a sec." Another few seconds of typing. Then Catra looked up, something terrible in her voice. "You can do it."

"H-Huh?"

She was off the bed, searching around. Single minded until she picked up Adora's pants off the floor. She frantically searched them, quickly finding her phone. "You have access on your end. Remove me from the course."

What?

No.

That was just- no.

Removing Catra from the course was being unthinkable. Adora took her phone, but she was already adamantly shaking her head in rejection of the idea. "No. I'm not going to. I can't." 

_"Why the hell not?"_

"I'm not- I'm not even supposed to do that unless-" It felt like her head was overheating. She shut her eyes. "Unless someone is breaking university rules, and like you just pointed out, you're a near perfect student. I can't drop you without a reason." 

"Oh? So I need to break some rules? Fuck you." Catra laughed again. It was even angrier. 

"Is that what you really want? To give up? I made a mistake…!"

"Mistake, sure. You know, I don't even get why you brought me here." Catra slung her bag over her shoulder. "Not if you believed all that like two hours ago." 

"I- I wasn't planning to, I was going to- but then things changed and-... Oh, Catra…" With great horror, Adora realized what she'd let slip. "Catra. Catra, please." 

If she'd had a chance of stopping her before, it was gone. Catra turned away. It didn't take genius to recognize that she’d done so because she was about to cry. It didn't even take a sober person. Adora was already scrambling off the bed, trying in vain to reach her. 

"You're one to talk about giving up. Well, you know what I just realized?" Catra’s voice shook as she stalked towards the door. "Rose tinted glasses suck." 

The floor was cold and alien. The house was cold and alien. Catra was cold and alien. She was resolute in her decision to keep her back to Adora. 

"I have a test tomorrow anyways. I didn’t screw anyone, so it's better if I go and study. Oh and also," Catra unzipped her her bag a third time and pulled out a- oh. A box of chocolates. She tossed them to Adora without looking at her. _"Told you I had a feeling,_ and I don't fucking want them. I don't want you. I don't need you." 

Adora caught the box and stared down at them, mouth agape just long enough to almost miss the Catra was at the front door. Adora was too late. She'd messed up one too many times. "But… I need you."

It was a final plea. Adora couldn't exactly go outside in her state of undress. 

Catra paused, shaking hand rattling the door handle. From what kind of pain, it didn't matter. One deep breath later and the rattling ceased. "... No, you don't." 

She still disappeared into the darkness. 

Cold turned to freezing. It took Adora a solid ten seconds to remember herself. To gather the mind to shut the door. Once she had, she leaned against it, eventually slumping down into a sitting position. She dropped the chocolates next to her without any care. They weren't getting eaten. 

She found she understood what Catra meant when she said she liked to hit things, but she decidedly chose not to. She restrained herself from that much, and after her fingers twitched over her phone, so much more. Catra was too angry. Too hurt. She would almost certainly not reply. It would be a lesson that Adora simply could not handle at the moment. 

So instead, she held her knees, a few tears rolling down her cheeks in time with several choked sobs. She sucked them down along with everything else - until eventually, Adora found she could not cry anymore.

All she wanted was Catra. 

That was all.

\---

120 hours later, and for all the change that had occurred, very little had shifted when it came to the core reality of that desire. Adora had found her passion. She knew she had to do something about it, yet also she knew that "something" was not a proper plan for that decision. And so far, she had nothing. The guilt was getting in the way. 

"Hey, Adora… What happened?" Glimmer's voice was surprisingly soft. The answer to that question wouldn't keep her that way. Adora wasn't sure if she was going to attempt to explain it, but the thought was nice. 

Adora was face down on her bed, unmoving. She'd been that way since about 11, so she couldn't stop the flinch that came when Bow rested his hand on her shoulder. 

"Are you okay?"

She groaned. It had been hard enough asking for help. Speaking was much more difficult, and not only due to her face being stuffed in a pillow. 

_She'd never been so heartbroken before. Never so guilty._

The weight distribution of the bed shifted. Bow had sat down next to her. "Have you eaten anything today?"

To that, Adora managed a muffled no. 

Her two friends had a hushed discussion, clearly one of concern. She heard, but didn't comprehend anything until Glimmer said something about getting her food. Adora was guilty enough as it was, so feeling relieved that Glimmer was leaving only made her feel worse.

They were still friends. 

But technically, she'd only texted Bow. She should've remembered that they came as a packaged deal. A united front. Of course they'd both show up. 

At least Bow had seemingly noted that she only texted him, because he waited until Glimmer's footsteps disappeared entirely before speaking. "You can talk to me. Is this actually about the paper?" He paused. "Or…"

It took several seconds for Adora to muster the strength to lift her head. When she did, she looked Bow straight in the eye, fully aware her own were red. "Glimmer was wrong." 

"Oh… Okay. I thought you might say something like that."

"She wasn't using me." Adora moaned, letting her face fall back down to the pillows. _"She did everything she could to cheer me up, then I messed it up, Bow."_

"I'm getting that, and I'm thinking. But I have to ask... Were you like this all weekend?"

No, actually. After crying herself out, Adora had largely been numb over the weekend. It was the state she got in to keep functioning when there were no other alternatives. It had helped get her through her PhD; it had even helped her through a prior bad breakup. When feeling wasn't an option, and the only solution was to keep chugging along, she chugged on. 

So she did. She didn't even take a day off. It was just what she had to do, no choice about it. She went to campus to work not only Friday, but Saturday and Sunday too. She blended in far too well. Too many people were the same, catching up with a world they didn't care about as not to think about the fantasy they did. It was a common technique for her. But much like her previous attempts at distracting herself from Catra, it didn't work for long. 

Work didn't work. 

And today, Tuesday, was an issue.

Adora was not numb today. 

She woke up wanting Catra again. Missing her. Needing her. 

That was to say, she woke up feeling like she'd been run over by several semi trucks. All driven by Catra, of course. Although that didn't change that Adora wanted nothing more than to be with her.

She shook her head in reply to Bow's question, but that was all. 

Bow pulled on both her shoulders in an attempt to force her upright. "At least there's that, but if you lay here any longer, you're going to miss your own class."

That wasn't true. She was not going to miss her own class. She would never do such a thing. She had at least 7 more minutes before getting up became urgent. 

Besides, "... I don't know what to say... To her."

_Catra had been so upset. Lashing out with that preemptive rejection… What if she did it again?_

Adora turned her head to lay on one of her cheeks. Bow leaned in and offered a warm, yet slightly nervous smile. "Okay, don't tell Glimmer I said this… But when have you ever let that stop you?"

Those words sent the most reassuring electric sensation through Adora's body. She even rolled over and sat up all the way, just how Bow was trying to get her to do. "I didn't think you'd be on my side." 

He shook his head, still smiling. "It's not about sides, Adora. Honestly, this girl you like _probably_ isn't great for you, but I haven't met her. I don't know what the exact right thing to do is. What I do know is that you don't deserve to feel like this. At the very least, you should have some closure. Okay?"

"... Okay, yeah."

Maybe Bow was right. 

"Yeah?"

Not about the closure thing or the not great for her thing. 

"Yeah."

But about the talking thing.

"You don't need to know what to say, just say it from your heart. You're a good person. I'm sure she'll listen."

And especially about that. 

"I'll do it." Adora smiled weakly. "I'll talk to her."

_And get her back. Somehow. Because Adora wasn't going to give up._

"Alright." Bow rose from the bed and gestured towards the door. "Glimmer doesn't actually have any idea what she's doing, so… You get dressed. I'm going to help her make you some breakfast for the road, and then I'm taking you to class. Glimmer's lunch break is about to end anyways, so it's just you and me."

"Thanks, Bow."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

That was the first thing that caused her to feel hope in days. It was enough to get her on her feet. Maybe Bow wasn't on her side 100%, but that was at least 51%. 

He would crack and tell Glimmer the truth eventually. Whenever that finally happened, Adora would likely be harangued. But that was all Glimmer could really do. Besides, Adora was cautiously hopeful that her problem would be solved by then. 

"Okay. Okay. I've got this." She pulled on a fresh set of clothes, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Trying to hype herself up. She was almost ready when she remembered that Catra loved ties.

Adora took the two ends of the tie and crossed the wider part of the skinnier one. She repeated the process, brought the wider end almost to her chin, then pushed it snugly back down into the loop. Easy. It wasn't exactly going to make or break her case, but surely it wouldn't hurt. 

Although, maybe giving Catra something to throttle Adora with if the conversation went badly wasn't such a smart idea. Adora pushed the thought away with a nervous tightening of the knot. 

One (definitely not made by Glimmer) omelette later, and Adora felt like she was headed to her first day of school. Nervous. Hopeful. Bow indeed drove her to campus. He even walked her across it. He talked her up all the way to the entrance to the lecture hall, then left her after a tight hug. 

Adora was never going to be able to repay him for all the times he'd done something sweet like that. 

It made her the most confident she'd felt in days. She was going to talk to Catra. She was going to explain herself and apologize _calmly._ Yes, Catra was going to be pissed, but that was because she didn't want to be vulnerable or get hurt. That was okay! Adora could go first. Follow her...heart. Speak from her heart? Follow. Whatever Bow had said, Adora was going to do it. Once Catra felt better, Adora would feel better too - and then they'd feel better together. 

No dropping the class.

No breakup...ish. 

"I'm going to get her back." Adora whispered to herself. She checked the time, maybe Bow had been right to get her moving after all. This was cutting it close. Another thirty seconds and there was nothing left for it. She opened the doors in front of her and determinedly walked inside. 

She turned to face the class, opened her mouth and-...

All the positive self talk turned to distorted static, echoing disturbingly inside Adora's skull. 

Because Catra was not there. 

Adora felt herself tumbling back into the dreaded land of _not knowing what to do_ even faster than she'd gotten there the first time. 

Everyone was staring at her, because of course they had to choose today to pay attention. Adora felt like a ghost that everyone had just decided to stop ignoring. It took her a moment to remember that she was in fact, not just here to try and win over her sort of ex girlfriend, but also to teach. 

_To do her job._

"... Hello, everyone…! We're… Finishing up unit six today," She announced with a cough, voice an octave higher than it should've been. Maybe someday she'd get the hang of it. Probably not. "Which um, which means the TAs will be holding a review session for the test scheduled Thursday." 

Catra was definitely, definitely not there. Adora realized with a terrible pang that this must be a brutal start to her _"fuck you"_ campaign. Adora pulled out her laptop to set up, trying her best not to start wringing her hands. "Weapons development during this period is actually my favorite topic to discuss. So uh, let's begin."

She spent about five minutes awkwardly discussing the armor development that occurred during those periods. Then, onto bronze. Simple, but it shattered too easily. She moved to iron, better. Although it still chipped. It took a painful amount of time to get even halfway through class.

Even though Catra wasn't there, Adora never stopped looking. Reading faces. Searching. It soon became clear that 250 faces were easy to memorize. 

"Right, well. We… We know these two factions combined, that the Etern- the _First Ones_ ended up integrating themselves into the higher levels of, um, Etherian life. Their takeover spurred a technological movement from iron to steel, but what's most interesting is that Etherian culture still remained religious even after the introduction of the uhhh-" Wait. There!? No... "First Ones' secular belief systems." She took a drink of water, the break in her speaking giving way to the mass scribbling of notes. It should've made her happy, but it didn't. She wasn't sure why people were paying more attention today. Maybe it was because she kept making soul searching eye contact with everyone. 

"This is reflected through the myth of the Heart of Etheria, which was supposedly a magical super weapon. Obviously, uh, we've found no proof of its existence, but here's a representation done by artists of the time."

Adora clicked to a picture centric slide. She was starting to feel desperate. Maybe there was somewhere... What… What if she went to Catra's dorm? Would that work? No, no. That was creepy. That was going too far with not giving up. Adora cringed at herself. Even if visiting wasn't an absolutely terrible idea, there were hundreds of rooms. She'd never find her. 

That caused another slip up. 

"Yeah. Historians are still trying to figure out what exactly the super weapon was supposed to do. Or if it was even real. It didn't appear in any texts until the First Ones arrived, though - and it's odd that such a technologically motivated society would've allowed the myth to spread unless it had some backing. Um, the First Ones disappeared pretty soon after the myth was introduced. Most of Etherian society seemed to die out after that, so who knows if we'll ever find out."

A hand shot up. A relief. Adora paused both speaking and thinking, someone had a question? She nodded at the student, granting him permission to speak. "Do you think it's real?"

_Real?_

At least she knew who read the textbook. 

"Oh… Uh," She had expected a content question. Something simple. "I'm actually working on that right now. It-... Well, it- so it might not be not as real as swords and spears, but it was real to its people. And there is some evidence of unusual construction in one of the main temples."

Another hand, this time a woman. Twice in a row was quite strange. Enough that it stirred something inside. "... Yes?"

"Yeaaah, I don't think it was real. I think it was a tool for oppression. The First Ones were like, colonizers. They weren't the first to do anything. They stole resources, so call them what they are: Eternians. You know we have a building named after them? The Eternia building should be called something else. If we care about history, why not Etheria? It's only a couple letters different. And uhhh seriously, it wouldn't glorify colonialism."

Never mind. The second hand wasn't just strange, it was awful. Adora hadn't even realized how much she'd been avoiding the other title for First Ones - that magic word. The _Eternia_ building. Consciously missing Catra had been bad enough, trying to find a way to talk to her had only just barely balanced that. Actually thinking about the day before everything went to hell was horrible. Adora's senses flooded with that night. 

"That's uh, another theory." Adora scratched the back of her head, trying her very best to stay present. She resisted vividly living out her memories, but she didn't manage to stop the much more powerful wave of guilt that was starting to constrict her chest. "They were a minority, and it probably gave them legitimacy to rule. Maybe it was fabricated. Maybe it was a lie. And... We probably should change the name."

"I think it was." The woman continued. "It was probably some manipulation tactic to keep control. Once they left, they hoped the Etherians would fall apart." 

"Right. Yeah. They might've hoped that would happen. That's a great point…"

"Mermista."

"Thanks for that, Mermista." Adora wasn't looking at Mermista, though. She was staring at Catra's empty seat. It all started to sting terribly again, and she struggled to push past it. But fear told her she was out of luck. She felt dizzy at the thought and sat down on the table at the front of the room. More water. "Why don't you all save the rest of your comments for after class. We should probably move on."

After a five second breather, Adora tried to reinstate her _barely keeping it together by coming up with possible solutions_ policy. It didn't work. She couldn't think of anything else other than texting. And texting wouldn't work. She started to sink at an uncontrollable rate. 

Adora was just far enough through her slides that she managed to swallow down the majority of her emotions each time they bubbled. She petered out by the time the end of class rolled around, with most of the students who had been trying to pay attention completely gone to the world. She couldn't blame them, so was she. 

Catra would've teased her for it. 

_She would've come down to the front as casually as ever. As if she didn't care._

_"Well, that was fun." She would've said. "You kept them longer than usual."_

_"Should I say thanks?"_

_"I'm just saying, look at you and all that personal growth."_

_And once they were alone, she would've draped herself around Adora. If Adora had worn another tie, she would've tugged its knot so tight it almost hurt. She would've complained about how all the clothing got in the way. Would've challenged Adora, all while still asking her about her day._

Would've. 

Adora was finishing her ritual pack up when a familiar face startled her from her extremely bittersweet not-really-a-reverie. 

Because the fantasy may not have been real. But it was with a flutter in her now lighter chest that Adora remembered that she- her- _that woman over there was very real._ Catra's friend - the white haired woman, had started her way down the aisle and towards the double doors. Adora felt her heart rate quicken, because that was an opportunity. Maybe there was hope yet. Hope she didn't need to come up with herself, at least not entirely. Her head spun with a thousand new ideas of what to do. 

It was probably a little abrupt, but all that Adora could think of was finding anything out about how Catra was doing. Anything more about where she was - besides the dorm, because it wasn't like Adora was going there. If she could get something out of her friend, then maybe she could still fix things. She wasn't sure what she was looking for, but something was always better than nothing. 

"Hey!" Adora shoved her last remaining personal items in her bag, then hurried to catch up with the white haired woman. "Are you friends with Catra?"

She stopped about as abruptly as Adora had run after her, forcing all the other students on their way out to adjust their paths around them. It felt very exposed. Adora reminded herself to keep it simple. To keep it in. 

"Professor? You're talking to _me?"_ She looked around as if she was expecting Adora to be addressing literally anyone else. "I mean, yeah! Of course I do, I'm her best friend. Uh, Scorpia." Then, Scorpia's generally happy demeanor shifted slightly more into confusion. "... How do you know her?" 

Adora probably should've expected that question. She scrambled for an explanation. 

"Oh, uh… Yes! About that- I, uh. She comes to office hours a lot? She's a good student. She wasn't in class today, right?" She started nervously fiddling with the latch on her laptop bag. "And she didn't contact me about missing it. So I'm wondering...you know...what's up."

Was Scorpia going to buy that? 

Yes, apparently she was. 

"Gotcha! Yeah, she's like that! A little rough. I tell her not to skip, but she never listens to me! I swear she means well. She keeps up no matter what. I wish I could do that… Man…"

Adora breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, so do you know if she's coming back?" Was she okay? "She needs to get the notes." 

"I'm sure she will!" Scorpia said with confidence that almost immediately dipped slightly. "But y'know come to think of it, she did seem kinda in a bad mood the other day… I think I'll check on her after I'm done with classes."

Right, in the dorms. The only place Adora couldn't go. "... You're a good friend. For uh, doing that."

"Nah, she's like, the most amazing person I know!" Scorpia was practically glowing. Her eyes dazzled with admiration that Adora didn't quite know how to feel about. "She's gotten me through so much stuff. I don't know what I'd do without her. I'll give her the notes, don't worry." 

"Thanks… That sounds just… Just great." But it wasn't, because so far, she hadn't gotten anything useful. In fact, that actually took away Adora's option of getting Catra notes. Scorpia looked like she was about to leave when Adora pulled her right back into the conversation. "Hey, um- she wouldn't skip the test… Would she?" 

The test was worth 20% of the final grade, just to be clear. 

"What!? Naw, she wouldn't! Don't worry about that." Scorpia looked like the idea of Catra purposefully missing an exam was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. "She would never do that! She has to keep her GPA _really_ high. She complains about it all the time."

That bothered Adora for a moment - not once had Catra complained about that with her. But it didn't matter, because that was still something. The only thing so far that might stack in her favor. 

"And just hypothetically speaking, um... If she said she was going to, you'd stop her?"

"Of course!"

_Not a hint on how to find Catra sooner…_

Still, it was good. It calmed Adora. Calmed the upset she'd barely juggled the past 5 days. As long as there was something, then there was a way forward. 

While Scorpia's assurances weren't technically the comfort she had hoped for, they would do. They seemed genuine. Adora closed her eyes and nodded. Scorpia was very right, skipping wouldn't make any sense. Adora said she wouldn't drop her. Catra knew that. Catra also needed to keep her grades up. Tanking one just to make a point would be beyond self destructive. "Thank you, Scorpia. You're uh, really fantastic."

"Don't worry about it! Seriously. Now hey, I've got another class, so I gotta go. But I'll see you, Professor! It's great you care about your students! I'm gonna tell her you asked, maybe it'll stop her from skipping." 

With that, Scorpia joined the throng of students moving out into the hallway. 

"Maybe don't- alright… Bye." 

The rest of the class emptied out around Adora.

That wasn't quite where she wanted to end that, but at least now she knew that no matter how angry Catra was, she still hadn't told anyone. That had to mean there was some semblance of hope. Right? Maybe Catra was having second thoughts? Surely she would've burned the bridge more completely if she wasn't. 

So perhaps Thursday was her chance. 

Adora just had to hold it together a little longer. She'd see Catra on Thursday. She'd pull her aside after class, then they'd talk through it. It wouldn't be easy - Catra… Had been very angry. Apparently she was still angrier than Adora really understood, but it'd be okay. By Thursday, they would both have had a week to cool off. And they'd be sober. Adora just needed to apologize. Really, really well. Bullseye well… 

But she would, because Catra would be there. Scorpia said that Catra would never miss a test. Even if she was planning to, Scorpia wouldn't let her. 

Definitely. 

Yeah. 

Adora could trust Scorpia to hold Catra to that. Yeah, Catra would be there. There was... There was no question about that. 

And if Adora messed up again…?

She just- well. She needed to not do that. Plain and simple.

Because Adora simply had to get her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since chapter 5 is a part 2, I'm aiming to get it out Wednesday/Thursday. I kind of wrote them together so it should be ready by then. If you made it this far then I'm assuming you're also here to see the plot and characters progress lmao. Smut will return though, I have plans. I have many a plan. Trust me


	5. Fuck. You. Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick ass repost bc of an error I didn't see whoops sorry to anyone who clicked the first time.
> 
> Anyways, I am not a complete sadist.

She dressed up again. Not that she wasn’t already supposed to be doing that, but she put on far more than was necessary to teach.

She practiced her speech in front of the bathroom mirror. She must’ve recited it twenty or thirty times before she realized that maybe… Maybe less was more.

And when _go time_ finally came, she made sure to wait near the door and look at every person who entered the lecture hall. She wanted to start confidently.

Adora really did have high hopes for the day.

But hopes cannot simply be thought into reality. While Adora had certainly never come to terms with that fact, you likely did at some time or another. So, you probably predicted what she did not. 

And that prediction was correct.

Because Catra did not show up for the test. 

At first, Adora tried to convince herself that she had to have missed something. That Catra was probably fuming somewhere way in the back where the mass of faces were almost indistinguishable from one another. However, once she caught Scorpia looking just as concerned, craning her neck in search of her friend - Adora realized the bitter truth. Scorpia was clearly new to this club of bitter truths too, because even after the test began, she was obviously texting. Adora made the choice to let her eyes pass over the violation without saying anything. It would've been a terrible move to call it out. Scorpia had been willing to help her, and that wasn't even mentioning that Catra would hate Adora infinitely more if she got her best friend in trouble for cheating. 

Especially when she actually wasn't cheating. 

Ten minutes in and it truly dawned on Adora that this _"fuck you"_ campaign ran much deeper than she'd given it credit for. And she already knew it ran deep. She was there that night, after all. Catra was angry, but this wasn't just about that. It wasn’t a simple message. Maybe absences weren't enough to drop her - missing a major scheduled grading event without an excuse, though?

That would be enough. 

Catra was doing it. She was really, seriously, actually doing it. She wasn't ever going to come again. Adora turned away from the mass of test takers and towards the board to bury her face in her hands. She tried not to spiral. 

It wasn't long before one the TAs noticed. He came over to her and leaned in with concern. "Professor? You okay?"

Adora refrained from word vomiting out that in fact, she was not okay. That she'd vastly underestimated the willpower of the most difficult and amazing person she'd ever had the misfortune of meeting. That she was being challenged into doing something that would break her heart. That her entire life felt like it was falling apart and if was the stupidest thing but she-

"I think… I... I've got an emergency." Settled on that. She settled on that between two long breaths. 

"Do you need to go? We can proctor the rest of the exam."

"Would you?" Adora looked up, already filled with gratitude. 

Her TA nodded. "If there's an issue, we'll message you. Assuming you don't come back before it's over, should we take the tests home to grade?"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks."

Permission granted, Adora left the lecture hall. She emerged into the outside world filled with anger. Worry. Fear. Concern. And...

_How could Catra do this? She was treating it like some sick game!_

Anger. Anger that probably came from her worry, fear, and concern. But anger nonetheless. 

_And she wasn't going to give Adora a single chance?_

It was all so immature! It was infuriating! 

This was different than before. This wasn't just about getting Catra back, it was about getting the damn woman to function on a basic level. If there was anywhere she could be that wasn't her dorm, then Adora needed to find her. It wasn't even a question. She started running through everything Catra had told her. She hadn't been able to do it since last Thursday, it hurt too much then. But now, it was necessary. 

She went through everything since they first met.

She pushed through the pain of each and every time they had sex. 

She thought of all the little sweet things she hadn't paid enough attention to. 

The secret Adora would likely never find out about. 

And yet no locations came to mind. 

She was angry enough that she genuinely contemplated going to the most likely place - but no, no. The dorm just wasn't possible. 

Then again, when she really thought about it, what were the chances Catra was still sulking there after all this time? That was the most irritating thing. Catra wasn't one to hole up for days on end. Maybe at the start, but not for a full week. That would drive her insane. She needed to exert herself on the world around her. She was physical. She wouldn't be able to vent or yell or even cry if she were stuck there, all because- _because Catra had said that when she felt like the world was out to get her, she hit things!_

Bingo.

Adora started towards the rec center before she'd even consciously decided it. She may have missed it before, but she still had to try. She would do anything. 

She hadn't made it far at all before a young woman sitting at a nearby picnic table felt the need to stop her. "Professor...?"

"What?" Adora snapped the word in a way that felt foreign. Oh, that wasn't good. She needed to be a little softer. "I mean, what is it?"

"Why are you out here? Isn't there, uh…" The woman was already looking a little guilty. "Class?"

Adora's mind was still firmly fixed on finding Catra. She didn't have time for this. Someone skipping was the least of her issues - well, someone else skipping. "If you're in my class, then you should be in there."

"I was about to go! Really, I was. I got confused though, because you're out here and-..." The woman's face fell in time with her realization. "Oh shit."

Adora didn't wait for whatever panic came next. It was probably just a mad dash to the lecture hall, and that didn't matter at all. She continued on towards her goal. It was at least a twenty minute walk - of course, she made it there in ten. 

_Had she run?_

She couldn't remember, but the way she was sweating indicated that she must have. Her shirt stuck uncomfortably to all the wrong places on her body. She tugged at her collar to free it from her skin. 

Adora was still bubbling with something very close to confused rage as she scanned herself into the rec center. She was vaguely aware that she was drawing a few amused glances from passing gym goers. She did look overdressed for the place, but whatever. 

It didn't matter. 

She started checking rooms. 

Her first guess was that it had to be punching bags. That was the obvious answer, but it was also one that ended up easily disproved. No one was using them. Just across the hall was some mixed martial arts studio. Adora checked there too - nothing. She even walked through the standard gym area, specifically through the weight room. Also no. Adora should've predicted that. Lifting didn't involve hitting things, not unless it went terribly wrong. She finished by checking the racquetball courts, and that one was a stretch. Catra probably laughed at racquetball. _Adora didn’t even understand what the hell racquetball really was, but she was sure Catra would think it was stupid._

Outside it was. 

Adora headed back out into the sweltering heat and towards the university’s various outdoor athletic fields and facilities. 

She peered through the fencing around the tennis courts. Nothing. Then to the football field. She watched a little skirmish just long enough to see a rather unlucky individual be dogpiled by three much larger players. No, Catra wouldn't be into that kind of fighting. 

So, Adora turned around to face the soccer field. People were playing frisbee on it, not soccer. Obviously. Also, still no Catra. No one on the baseball pitch either. 

_Well what else was there?_

Adora clenched her fists. If she was wrong about this… Then she was never going to find Catra. Never. Campus was too big. It was a city inside of an even bigger city. She was just about to dive headfirst into her frustrated despair when a man and a woman carrying gym bags walked past her. They hadn't come from anywhere she knew about. Her eyes immediately traced where they'd walked from - way past the football field and around the side rec center. There was stuff back there? She'd never explored that far before. 

Adora crossed the football field because it was the most direct path. She didn’t care about the skirmish. One week was enough time. Too much time. She couldn’t lose more.

Once she rounded the corner, it made sense. It made a whole lot of sense. There was confirmation of everything. She'd known that Catra was an athlete based off her body type, that had been obvious day one. She was too toned not to be. Knowing she liked to hit things only added to that. 

But even in her upset, actually seeing the two concepts put together caused Adora to wince. Because while pitching machines were violent, they were harmless in comparison to Catra. 

After that first reaction, it was almost a relief to see her. 

Almost. It was a strange combination. _Relief_ because Adora had found her, _nervousness_ because of the violence of the situation, and lastly _anger._ Again. It was anger that urged her to the edge of the enclosure. 

"Are you seriously going to throw away your grade because of what happened!?"

"Hi, Professor." Catra swung particularly hard at a ball, sending it whizzing into the batting cage's chain link fence. The metal rippled in stark contrast to her flat tone. _She'd used her time to clam up this much, huh?_ Adora couldn't handle that. 

"You're going to tank your GPA! You're better than this!"

"You could- _ungh,_ just drop me, Professor." Another ball thunked onto the ground. 

Oh how that word grated. Oh how it seared. 

"Can you stop calling me that?"

"I thought," _Thwack._ "You wanted me to. Besides, you're here about class."

"I'm not- Catra." Adora took a moment to try to calm down. She was here because she cared. She scanned around to make sure no one was in earshot, quickly noting that all the other cages were empty. "I'm not just here because of class, but I'm so worried about you. You need to take the test."

"Sure thing, Professor."

Forget the anger, that just hurt. 

"Is that what I am to you?"

"Aren't I just your conniving student?" 

_It hurt a lot._

It wasn't a thought to act. Adora opened the wire door to enter the batting cage. "I already told you that I know that isn't true."

"What the hell…!?" For the first time since Adora arrived, Catra looked genuinely alarmed. "Go back outside! You'll get hit!"

"I can't." Adora wasn't sure what she was doing. The frustration pulsing in her chest was morphing into something else entirely. It took her almost to Catra's side, and ended with her roughly pushed to the ground. She felt the heels of her palms sting from fresh scrapes. 

The act had saved her from getting knocked unconscious by a speeding ball. 

"I'm in a literal cage, you idiot." Catra hissed and refocused her attention to the pitcher. "I'm not exactly running away right now. Go. Back. Outside."

She was so rigid. Whatever anger- no, what was Adora thinking? Not whatever anger. All the anger Catra had managed to keep mostly inside was spilling out into her stance. She probably had excellent form. Adora couldn't tell, but she was still certain of it. 

_Crack._

It was the hardest hit yet. 

She stared up at Catra from where she had fallen. "Catra-"

"No."

"Please." Adora whispered. "You… You have no idea how much I like you."

"Don't."

"I got scared. Can't you understand that?" 

"Poor you." The machine was finally out. Catra dropped her bat on the ground and off her helmet. She glanced at Adora, then started around the perimeter to pick up balls. 

Adora waited for more, but received nothing. The anger hadn't been a good starter, had it. She'd forgotten the rest of her heart in the process. She was already ruining it again. Adora struggled to her feet as Catra finished getting the balls. She picked up her bat and stuffed everything else in a large gym bag, then exited the chain door with bat in hand and bag over her shoulder. 

"Catra! I'm sorry! How many times do I have to say it?" Adora followed her, trying her best to figure out how to express the reason she'd wanted to talk to Catra in the first place - the one from long before this exam mess. The speech she’d rehearsed was… Gone. 

Catra kept walking.

"I didn't do a great job of explaining myself last time. And then you didn't show up for the exam- so I know I'm not doing well now either, but can you please, please give me a cha-"

"I **get** that this isn't easy for you," Catra spun around, teeth gritted and fists clenched. The one holding the bat was already turning pale from the pressure. "I'm not a monster. It's probably really fucking stressful. But you know what? This isn't easy for me either. Things being difficult for you just isn't a good enough excuse for actually believing that about me. We were supposed to trust each other, because that's _'how stuff like this'_ works, right?"

"... I'm sorry."

"That's not enough, but who cares. I already said you don't really need me and I definitely don't need you. Just fucking go away." 

_Is that what Catra really wanted…?_

Adora took a few shaky breaths. Surprisingly, Catra stayed - though her expression was downright daring. They stared at each other like that for a good ten seconds as Adora resolved to approach the situation the right way. To do the best that she could. 

_To really speak from the heart._

"I- I've said everything I can. I didn't mean to hurt you. I like you. I miss you, and yes I… I need you. But that's literally all I can say, Catra. I can apologize a thousand times and I can run after you. I can tell you that I'm not perfect, but I can't make you hear it or believe me when I say I'd do anything to get you back."

Catra looked both surprised and displeased at that. Adora was surprised too, actually. She didn't know that was what was going to come out. Even she had expected more begging. 

Still, she continued. 

"I can't stop you from being self destructive either. I want to make this better… Whether you let me help? That's up to you…" 

Because that was indeed from the heart. Adora realized with a sinking feeling that needing Catra- apologizing to her and having a mission to get her back meant very little if Catra wasn't open. 

Catra had been hurt, so she'd hurt Adora back. Whatever else was true, the cards were on the table. Adora felt all the anger she had left drain from her body, because it didn't matter. 

It really was up to Catra. 

"... So if you want to fix this, I'm here. And… I guess… If- if you really want me to go, and if you really are sick of me, then fine. You win. I'll drop you from the course and you'll… You'll never have to see me again."

Giving up…

Was the worst feeling in the world. 

Adora couldn't look at Catra any longer. She even turned to start walking away when, _thump,_ the bag fell onto the ground as Catra’s hand caught her wrist. 

_"Wait._ Wait... Don't- just-" Catra tapped her bat into the dirt path hard enough to make little clouds of dust. She stared at the ground. "You're wrong. I'm... I'm not self destructive. Don't say that about me."

_Adora's heart bloomed with renewed, incredibly cautious hope. The kind she hope reflected reality, not tried to shape it._

"Then prove me wrong, please." 

"I shouldn't have to. I-... I don't owe you anything."

"You wouldn't even have to try. You've done it before. I like to be wrong when it comes to you."

That forced a brief smile out of Catra - one she clearly hated and immediately turned into a grimace. She started bumping the bat against her leg with just enough force to concern Adora.

"I don't know. I just- I don't know." 

Adora had her a rare epiphany at that moment. What was less rare was when she took a risk and switched gears. "I understand. I do. But please… At least take the test, Catra. Don't punish yourself for what I did. Because that's what you're doing."

Catra seemed to debate with herself for a good twenty or thirty seconds. She gave no cues as to which way she was leaning other than staring intently into Adora’s eyes, but Adora did not jeopardize the process by interrupting. 

"I- _Fine,_ I'll take your stupid test."

"Thank y-"

"But this is because you are wrong about me. It doesn't mean we're okay." Catra finally stopped fidgeting with the bat. She closed her eyes for a second, clearly trying to bring herself down. "I'm… I'm really fucking pissed at you. I'm not doing it because I like you...or anything."

So she was angry… But she still did like Adora. That was a relief. 

There was no reason to give Catra the chance to reconsider, so Adora moved past her and set the pace away from the cages. It was time for Catra to follow. "That's fine. Stay mad, but let's go. I won't penalize you if you take it right now."

She didn’t hear footsteps…

She didn’t hear footsteps…

Then she did.

And Catra did follow. Maybe a step or two behind, but she did. They walked in tense silence all the way from the rec center to the other side of campus. Not a single word was exchanged in the whole twenty minutes. Adora didn't lead them to the lecture hall, because the test was definitely over there. Instead, she led them both to her office. 

Once inside, Catra dropped her things by the door. Adora retrieved a copy of the exam and handed it to Catra. 

"Good luck."

"Yeah. Okay."

If the walk was tense, the waiting was worse. Catra sat across from Adora, hunched over and still bristling with irritation. She did not display even a hint of vulnerability anymore. Just general pissiness. So... Adora had succeeded… In a sense. Except for the fact that she did not know what to do next. She tried not to stare too hard. She tried work, but when work became too dull, she played Snake. Of course, Snake was rather dull as well. She couldn't seem to stop her gaze from wandering back. 

After a full half hour, Catra spoke in the flattest tone Adora had ever heard. "You've got a typo on #12."

“I know." 

"You should've fixed it."

"I'm not printing another thousand pages to fix a typo." 

"... I'm telling you, if I were your TA, I'd catch that shit." Catra grumbled. 

Adora took that as progress and smiled weakly. "Do you still want to be? I'd consider it."

_Actually, she probably shouldn't, but-_

"No."

It was a very definite no. 

Oh well. Or, oh good! She wasn't sure which. 

Adora conjured up a mental image of Catra actually grading things. It wasn't so much a fantasy as it was a mini-nightmare. She could see it. Hear it, even. 

_"Catra!"_

_It'd be a clean rip. Catra would plop the two halves of paper back down on the desk. "Fuck Kyle."_

_"Now I have to come up with a reason for why I can't give it back!"_

_"I hate him. It's not my fault his answers were shit."_

_"I take it back," and Adora would stare in disbelief, holding up the test with one half in each hand. "You cannot be my TA. Like, ever."_

Adora pulled herself from the scenario. Okay, maybe Catra's anger was permeating through that. Surely she wouldn't do that. Or maybe she would… 

Maybe Adora could fill out mindless paperwork? Adora soon realized that it wasn't as mindless as she hoped. She was clicking her pen more than writing. 

"Stop that." Catra warned, not looking up.

"Huh?" 

"The pen thing. If you keep doing that, I'll burn through my hour."

"You can take however long you need." Adora still put the pen down as requested. "I don't mind." 

"Everyone else had an hour."

"I didn't get the sense you cared about fairness."

Catra paused writing, eyes dark and darting up to Adora. "Well I sure fucking do now." 

Alright. Message received. "Okay, okay. But lay off... I'm a little nervous."

"I'm the one taking a test. You don't get to be nervous."

Adora was about to let them both settle back into uncomfortable silence when she noticed a blank spot on the page. Her anxiety was high enough already. What if Catra did badly? 

She leaned in a little, clearing her throat. "You uh… You skipped #14."

"I'm going back to it later." 

"Was it too hard?"

"We just agreed to a truce," Catra growled. And oh no, they were at war? Adora hadn't thought of it _that_ way. "You're not supposed to be pushy."

"You're right, you're right. Sorry."

"Yep." 

That was that until yet another anxiety induced thought struck Adora. Sharing was caring, right? "... I kind of thought it was too hard when I wrote it but you know-"

"Adora." Catra dropped her pencil onto the desk and looked up with the most potent bitch face Adora had ever seen. "I am never going to finish if you keep distracting me."

She wasn't trying to do that. She wasn't, really. "I- I want you to do well."

"I am going to do well." 

"You didn't study though, did you?" _She was just worried._ "You thought you were going to drop the class." 

"Yeah, but your class isn't hard."

"Well it's not easy. It's-"

"It's easy for me."

 _That didn't make sense...!_

"Then why'd you skip one?" 

"It was a hard question on an easy test."

"It's worth five percent." 

"Stop being nice." With that, Catra finally picked up her pencil and continued writing. She kept her gaze glued to the paper. 

Adora's cautious hope faded slightly at that statement. Dimmed a little. 

"What?" Because she just couldn't understand a request like that. "Why?"

"It feels fake." Catra said bluntly, pressing her pencil about as hard into the paper as it could go without breaking the tip. 

"It's… Not fake?"

"I said it feels fake. I don't care if it is or isn't. I'm here. I'm taking your test. Let me be." 

Alright. Alright. 

Adora shut up as Catra flipped to the third page of the test.

For real. 

Catra finished within fifteen minutes from that moment. _Done early, uh, ish._ She pushed the exam across the desk, then stood up. 

"You finished?"

She gave a stiff nod. 

Adora peeked at the test. Every question had an answer, even #14. Just that gave her a completely overwhelming amount of relief. So maybe their relationship wasn't fixed, but at least she had that. 

"Why me?" Catra's almost monotone question pulled Adora away from what was in her hands and…

Catra was standing over her. She'd circled the desk. Broken the barrier.

Adora felt her heart rise to her throat. "Why… You?"

"Yeah, I know why you. If you really meant what you said, then why me?" 

Catra wasn't even doing anything, but Adora's brain couldn't handle it. She wasn't even thinking about the fact they were in the office. "B-Because I… I liked you and then…" 

"Then what?"

_And then she fell in love..._

"I don't know how to say it." 

Catra's eyes darkened in a much different way than before. She bent down so her face was only slightly higher than Adora's. As if she wanted to touch. Wanted to kiss. But if Adora was being honest, she still looked a little angry. It was barely visible from somewhere deep inside. It was simply her nature to want to fix that, so when Catra didn't move from her position, she tried to. Ever so slowly, and scanning for any sign of resistance, she leaned in to kiss Catra. 

She didn't react. Not at first. She was frozen, but soon she thawed into something slightly more heated. She fell forwards into the chair, knee parting Adora's thighs to break her fall. Adora's hands were everywhere, yet Catra was still remarkably reserved with her own. It didn't feel right. 

_Catra always wanted to touch her._

_Catra loved being physical._

_Adora hated that she'd pushed that side of Catra away._

So she pulled her closer by the hips, hoping to encourage her to give in. To touch more. As soon as she did, however, she felt fingers roughly pry both of her hands away. 

The kiss ended. Catra was still there though, still holding Adora's hands and in that awkward position. Supported by her knee on the chair. Close and looking down...

Adora didn't question the way she'd just been stopped. _Sigh._ "... Will I see you in class?" 

"Yeah." Catra's grip on Adora's hands eventually slackened, and when Adora didn't try again, she dropped them completely. "Yeah, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Sometimes."

Finally, she broke contact and got off the chair. 

"And… What about us?"

Catra's expression shifted slightly, but not enough for Adora to get a solid read. She turned away to move from behind the desk to collect her things. "I don't know yet, Adora." 

_Yet._

That wasn't exactly the mutual declaration of commitment Adora had hoped for, no. But it also wasn't like Catra had said she hated Adora. Real life was hard. 

"Alright." Adora would have to live with that answer, at least for a while. 

_Could she thrive off it? Definitely not._

Catra left, although not before glancing back a final time.

_But could she survive it? Yes. She could do that._

The door swung shut with a familiar click. Adora leaned back into the desk chair and exhaled a week's worth of emotion. Maybe she was at square one, but at least… Well, at least that was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? Not a complete sadist.


	6. Six of One, Half Dozen of the Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. :)
> 
> I have returned. 
> 
> Do you trust me not to hurt you today?  
> Do you.  
> Hmm?

(11:13 a.m.)

_**Glimmer:** It feels like I haven't heard from you in forever! Wanna meet up?_

_**Adora:** Definitely! Let's do it._

_**Glimmer:** We could get lunch. Just give me half an hour and I'll swing by._

_**Glimmer:** I’ll text you when I’m there and you can come out. We’ll go somewhere nice._

_**Adora:** Sounds great!_

"Actually, give me a second." Adora gave the cashier a very strained yet incredibly overly polite smile. “Thanks so much."

She scanned the register's small pharmaceutical section. Ah, there. 

At least it looked innocent. It didn’t give any tells regarding the headache that was coming, or her guilt about having prior guilt because she wasn’t sure how to deal with Glimmer, _or her feelings on Catra…_

Apparently, Catra reevaluating whether or not to continue being mad Adora was going to take longer than choosing to be pissed at her in the first place. At least she was true to her word about returning…? It was hard to miss the moment Catra came back to class, because Scorpia had practically run over to greet her. She'd even hugged her so tightly that she'd lifted her into the air. After that, they sat together like usual. Good for them! Really, that was great. Scorpia seemed to have no issue after Catra whispered some sort of excuse in her ear. 

What was less great was that after that... Well. After that, Catra didn't talk at all. 

It wasn't like Adora wanted her to disrupt class. 

Except yeah, she kind of did. 

Because Catra's quietness was unnatural. It was the kind of quiet that made Adora feel _studied._ It was as if she was something biological in a petri dish. Honestly, it felt like Catra was waiting for something to happen. For what? Adora wasn't sure. 

What had definitely happened was the first day of unit 7: agriculture. 

If history wasn't all about war, then it was all about food. 

Although Adora wasn't big on crop cultivation, she was pretty big into eating. In order to keep herself sane that first day, she centered as much of the lecture as possible around Etherian cuisine, especially the recreations of said cuisine based off old recipes. Tense as she was, it was enough to get her on a semi-passionate ramble. Adora thought she caught something more tender in Catra's expression just before the end of that class. She looked like she wanted to speak.

But then Catra left without saying anything to her.

And _again_ the following Thursday.

As it turned out, "living with it" was quite a bit harder than expected, and Adora had expected it to be hard. 

It was incredibly difficult for Adora not to stop her from leaving class like that. Instinct told her to bulldoze her way to Catra if she needed to. Logic told her that 'I don't know yet," meant it could go either way and that Adora needed to slow down. Still, she started brainstorming what she could hypothetically do to encourage Catra to talk to her again. She drafted texts she knew she couldn’t send. She even came up with (probably useless) speeches. Yet whatever she did, nothing ever felt right. 

Surely something should've, but alas, no. It was so frustrating. 

It didn't help that Catra had never seemed like someone with impulse control. She had, you know, made the fantastic decision to have sex with Adora. Adora had also… Made said decision. The point was that the silence was confusing. It was scary, honestly.

Maybe Adora wanted nothing more than to talk, but Catra seemed to want nothing more than to think. Since she couldn't come up with a good approach, she’d have to settle for talking to Glimmer. Also, because Bow had not yet cracked, she needed to somehow not let on that things were still (kind of?) in limbo when it came to Catra. Lying by omission! Adora's greatest strength, obviously. So that was going to go great. Just great.

Adora exited the student union, then stopped at the edge of the sidewalk so she could fish out the bottle of ibuprofen from the plastic bag. Yeah. She was on the razor’s edge. This was about as close to a drug addict as Adora was ever going to get, but boy did she need it. She just needed to grab a few things from the office, sit around for a few, and then she’d be off to whatever fate the universe had decided for her. 

She made her way there, taking two pills as she went. No, scratch that - she _tried_ to take two pills. Did they have to make the caps "child resistant?" It felt like they were Adora resistant. It was a mess. At least half an hour was plenty of time to figure out the stupid top and get ready. 

Except it wasn't plenty of time.

(11:48 a.m.)

_**Glimmer:** Outside!_

Because where the hell was her laptop charger? 

Adora hated being late. After wasting almost the entirety of her half hour telling herself she'd only need a minute to get everything together, she couldn’t find literally the single most important thing she came to her office to get. If they were going to a cafe to eat, which they almost certainly were, then she’d want to charge it for class. At least five minutes burned past before she spotted it and put it in her bag. Finally. 

With that, Adora was ready. She was about to head outside and meet Glimmer when there came a sharp knock on the frosted glass. Adora froze. She’d seen that silhouette enough times to know who it was.

The knock was a formality. Catra entered, clearly trying to look relaxed but not quite pulling it off. She was still distant in that way she had been last time she was in the office. Her shoulders were too tense. Her jaw was too tight. She also walked just a little too stilted. Those three mistakes were all that betrayed her.

"Hey." 

Although to be fair to Catra, she had nothing on Adora. Because of course Adora was worse off. If Catra was visibly tense, Adora didn't want to imagine how she must've looked. "Hey! Uhm-..."

Catra ventured further into the office. She gave it, then Adora, a familiar once over. Adora couldn't help but to feel like the clock was ticking as Catra stopped short of the desk. They made the strangest eye contact they had in quite some time, waiting for the other to do something.

Catra slid her bag off her shoulder.

_Oh no._

Adora's face fell. 

_Of all the times Catra could've talked to her, she picked now? Now...!?_

"Don’t look so happy to see me." Catra's attempt at coolness hadn't quite disappeared, but now she didn't look like she knew what to do. She focused back on Adora - still frozen in place and still trying to break free to go meet Glimmer. “You leaving?"

_Crap, how late was she now?_

A part of Adora considered sitting right back down. She considered haphazardly taking everything out of her bag and telling Catra she would listen. But the longer she kept Glimmer waiting, the more scary the situation became.

"I am! I mean, I am happy to see you!” She insisted. “And I want to talk, but I've got something else I have to do. Can this wait?”

"It’ll take like two minutes." Catra said. "I know you have a break, relax."

The thought of being even later ate at Adora, but the prospect of leaving Catra seared. If only she could avoid both. 

But she couldn't, so Adora summoned her most pleading tone. "Catra, please."

"Please what?" It was slight, but Catra's grip on her bag tightened. 

The headache Adora had anticipated started aching. It was too early for the ibuprofen to have kicked it. It wasn't at all like having had wine, but it certainly wasn't a help. 

"Can't we do this another time?"

Catra held yet tighter, averting her eyes. No longer was she managing any level of faux normalcy. "I don’t get it. Sorry I didn’t have anything to say sooner? If you’re this excited to get away from me…"

And there was the hurt. The slight turn. The one that said goodbye in the bad way. 

“No, Catra.” Adora rounded the desk, suddenly afraid Catra would walk out. It took everything in her not to hold Catra. "No. No, that's not what this is. There's someone here. I'm supposed to get lunch with her and I’m worried she’ll come in."

At that, Catra hardened in a snap. 

_And there went even more time._

While it stopped her from leaving, apparently giving context was the wrong move when it came to everything else. When's the last time that was true, huh? When was knowing less better!? Adora could not have understood the spike in tension if she tried.

Catra’s hurt expression morphed into something far more suspicious. "... Who's so important that you've got to hide me from them?"

"Um, no one… That's not the point. The point is that I need-"

"Who, Adora?"

_Too much time._

It was like a bad romance novel. A terrible one. A terrible moment indeed. Because it was absolutely then that Glimmer, as predictable in her impatience as Catra, chose to arrive outside the door. 

"Adora!" Although her voice was the opposite of muffled. It was sharp, like she was already inside. "I've been waiting for ten minutes! Why aren't you checking your phone?"

Adora quite literally would've done anything to disappear at that moment. 

"Who. Is. That." Catra looked between the glass and Adora with mounting distrust. 

"Nobody! If you could- if you could maybe-" 

"What the fuck aren't you telling me?"

"I-"

The door creaked open. "I know you get caught up in work, but seriously! This is ridiculous."

Glimmer made it far enough to close the door behind her, but stopped flat the moment she saw that Adora was not alone. Her expression morphed from mild annoyance to one of great confusion. 

"Who are you?" Catra asked.

"I'm... Glimmer? Who…"

"My friend." Adora hastily added. "My friend, I swear." 

Adora ended up looking pleadingly at Glimmer, trying and failing to telepathically communicate that now was not the time. Glimmer definitely didn't hear it, as she only stared suspiciously at Catra. And Catra, well Catra looked wholly unconvinced with both of them. 

"Friend. Right.” She said slowly. “If you two aren't together then what's your problem with her being here?"

Tacking on quickly, Glimmer's confused expression shifted. "You didn’t want me here? Who's she? Wait, Adora…” Her face fell into a strange mix of anger and disappointment. “You can’t be serious.”

_"Hello? You going to answer my question?”_

"Is that why you haven't texted me back?” Glimmer continued. “You've been with her?"

Adora shook her head, then nodded - then made some sort of head movement she wasn’t so sure about. “I was on my way out, I swear.”

Glimmer slowly crossed her arms in the single most disapproving mom moment that Adora had ever experienced. She sighed, even leaning most of her weight onto one leg. 

"Adora. You shouldn't be doing this."

"What am I doing?" Adora smiled nervously. “Nothing’s happening...! Except lunch. Aren’t you hungry?”

_"Oh yeah, go right fucking ahead. Keep talking like I'm not here."_

"You know what I'm talking about. You know what you're doing." 

“Glimmer," she struggled to find a way out. She couldn't see one. "This isn’t a good time to talk about this.”

… Or place, for that matter. The office was very possibly the worst place to be having a conversation like this. 

"Isn't it? You clearly haven’t stopped making bad decisions.”

"Excuse-fucking-me," Catra’s voice finally cut through. She stared incredulously at Glimmer, almost like she was seeing her for the first time since she walked in. "But what the _hell_ is your problem?"

Glimmer flinched, yet she did not look at Catra. Instead, she kept her demanding eyes firmly fixed on Adora. "Make her leave, Adora."

"I can't." That was true. 

Adora couldn't make Catra do anything. Also, even if she could, she wasn't going to outright kick her out. Not after this new mess. She had to explain herself if she could.

Glimmer did not seem happy with that. She _oh so_ slowly conceded to Catra’s burning gaze and turned her attention away from Adora. She was rigid, possibly in an attempt to appear taller than Catra. 

Her lips curled into the most unpleasant smile. "Don't you think you're a little young for her?"

Catra stilled at that. Adora could see the cogs in her head. Here was Adora's friend. Adora's friend who knew obviously about her. Adora's friend who knew about her, but not enough to be aware of what recently happened. 

There was a lot Catra could do with that information. Deny anything had happened, maybe correct it to the truth - that being that very little was happening anymore. Maybe even something in between. And yet out of everything she possibly could've said, she chose this:

"Don't you think you're a little old to be a bitch?" 

Glimmer's gaze was locked with Catra's in the most murderous way possible. "See? See the person you picked? She's rude, Adora." 

"Okay." Adora tried to intervene. "Guys-" 

But it was useless. She'd lost control of the interaction, although honestly she didn't have much to begin with. 

"Speak for yourself, Glitter."

"Glimmer," Glimmer corrected. "And Adora deserves a lot better than you."

Once again, Catra did not set her straight. It was like she was feeding off the chaos. Adora had seen her smirk before, but nothing quite like this. It was practically diabolical. 

"Really? I was thinking the same thing. Except about you, not me."

"This is such a red flag." Glimmer said, finally turning her imploring gaze back to Adora. "She's turning you against your friends!"

_Adora only hoped that nobody was nearby. Volume, for Pete's sake! Volume!_

Catra laughed before Adora could speak. "Oh please, you started it. It seems like you're trying to turn her against me, asshole."

"I'm done talking to you. Adora, let's go." Glimmer made to reach for Adora's hand.

"You sure about that?" 

"Yes," Glimmer ground out in reply. "I'm sure." 

"Pfft, figures that you're a coward."

Glimmer never did make contact with Adora's skin. She rounded back on Catra, deep irritation evolving into real rage. "A coward!? And you're not? I was never lonely or manipulative enough to sleep with my professor!"

Ah, that was it. 

There it was. 

See, that was the moment that Adora ceased to exist. Those two only saw each other. Adora might as well have been on the opposite side of the globe. 

Any remaining semblance of amusement was wiped from Catra's face. She balled her fists. If looks could kill, Glimmer would be dead. No doubt. "Are you asking for a fight?"

"O-ho, I would love to see that." 

"No reason it should be a fantasy."

"Then let's do it. You're just a-"

"Right now work?" Catra growled, stepping waaay into Glimmer's personal space to size her up. "Or are you going to pussy out?"

Glimmer did just the same. Their faces mere inches away. "Oh you-"

_"-weak-"_

"-insufferable-"

_"-overbearing-"_

Adora couldn't tell who was talking anymore, but that hardly mattered. She found her presence simply because she had to before the whole building blew up. She rushed to position herself directly between them, pressing a palm to each woman and pushing them apart. "Stop it!"

Glimmer? To the left. Catra? To the right. Adora? Bravely standing on the tracks between two violently chugging steam locomotives hellbent on catastrophically smashing into each other at a thousand miles an hour. 

"But she-"

"-started-"

She gave both of their shoulders another hard push, forcing them backwards an extra step. 

"We're not doing this! You don't even know each other! Glimmer," Adora's eyes flashed dangerously as she looked between them. Neither shrunk with the shame they should have had. They were still glaring at each other. "Can you wait outside for a second? I need to finish my conversation with Catra. It’ll take two minutes," she remembered how Catra had put it. "Then we can go."

"Really, Adora. You're going to side with her?"

Catra stuck her tongue out, her smirk finally reappearing. 

"It's not about sides." Adora said in an attempt to channel her inner Bow. 

Glimmer saw it too. She clearly didn't find it as reassuring as when he did it. She took a few shaky, angry breaths.

"Forget it. Talk to your _girlfriend_ or whatever it was you were about to do. We’re already late enough and we're definitely not going to have a good time after this." With that coldness, Glimmer turned to leave. 

Just- 

Why. 

_Why why why why?_

Keeping both Glimmer and Catra happy felt impossible. 

She felt the wall she'd made to regain control of the situation fall down, anxiety taking over once more. Plans mattered. Promises mattered. She said she'd have lunch with Glimmer. She should- _she had to_ at least stick to that, that's what friends were supposed to do. "Wait, wait. Can’t we still get lunch? I can-"

"No. I need some space from you. We'll talk about this later.” Glimmer seethed, then promptly stalked out of the room. 

At first, Adora hurried to follow her - yet she hesitated at the door, watching her friend's figure become increasingly smaller. Her foot hovered just outside the room. Undecided. Unsure. She remained that way until Glimmer was gone. 

Damn it. 

There went lunch. It wasn’t coming back, Adora knew that. She also knew that she should probably still run after Glimmer - even though Glimmer would keep going. Yet she didn't. Logic told her that it wasn’t like they were going to fix _all that_ during one lunch break. Surely Glimmer would talk to her in a few days' time. They had 10 years of friendship to back that up. 

Catra, on the other hand... Well, Adora was not so sure about Catra. If she was being honest with herself, Catra was the real reason why she'd hesitated. Why she was still hesitating.

… Because if she chased Glimmer down, would Catra even be waiting when she came back…? Would she ever hear what she had to say? 

Slowly, Adora turned around and walked back behind her desk. She sunk into her seat with a defeated sigh, feeling like a supremely crappy friend for just about everything that had transpired. She'd have to call Glimmer and set up a time to work things out. It'd be a whole ordeal. It might even take weeks.

If only she'd found her charger two minutes earlier. Damn. 

"Wow. You don't keep anyone up to date, do you?"

Frankly, Adora couldn't tell if Catra sounded angry. Even more frankly, Adora couldn't tell if she cared either way. 

"I didn't see you jumping to correct her. And..." She exhaled slowly, trying to keep herself calm. "You don't get to provoke my friends."

"I provoked her? You're kidding me." 

Well, she wasn't exactly wrong, but they both could've done a lot better. 

"I know she's difficult, but that's not going to work for me."

Then again, Adora didn't know why she was setting that boundary. What were the chances Catra would listen? Hell, what were the chances it even mattered? Glimmer wouldn't be barging in again, that was for sure. 

"Who says I care what works for you?" Catra scoffed. "We're not even together."

Actually, wait. That was why she felt the need to set the boundary. She gave Catra the best calculating gaze she could while also being so tired. "If you don't care, why'd you let her think we're a thing?" 

"It was funny." 

"But it wasn't. You got upset."

"... Ugh… Fine then." Catra grumbled, shifting uncomfortably. _"I guess that's hard to hide after the almost fighting thing._ I get why you didn't want us to meet." After a short pause in which Catra seemed to collect herself, "she's the reason why you thought I was using you."

She said it so matter of factly that Adora's throat went dry. Adora had certainly not confessed that Glimmer had been the one to sow those initial doubts, nor had she even lightly alluded to such a thing.

"Uh… Yeah. How'd you know?"

"It was pretty damn obvious like a minute in. You did a 180 before, I just didn't get why." Catra narrowed her eyes. "You know, you didn't tell me about her part in it. You should have." 

It would be easy to pin it on Glimmer. After all, it was kind of her fault. But they'd been friends for forever. It wasn't going to happen. Not even for Catra. 

"It didn't matter." Adora said. "It was my responsibility. It was my mistake."

That didn't seem to be what Catra was expecting to hear. She stilled for the second time that day, studying Adora in that uncomfortable way she had been doing in lecture. It was way worse up close. Adora felt exposed. It took Catra a good fifteen seconds to decide how to respond to whatever was so odd about what Adora said. 

"How very noble of you." She finally settled on rolling her eyes, although she also relaxed a little. Like she was pleased with that answer. Adora wasn't sure why. Adora wasn't sure of much anymore. "But it does matter, because that tells me how gullible you are. That's different than what I thought."

Adora didn't know what to make of that either. How did that relate to Catra letting Glimmer think they were still involved? Or just… Still caring at all? That answer didn't answer anything. 

Whatever...

"Okay, I'm gullible. Please don't hate her, though." Adora furrowed her brow. "She cares a lot about me. She doesn't want anything bad to happen, that's all."

"If you didn't notice, she challenged me." Catra said with just a little too much venom for Adora's comfort. 

"Catra."

"What?"

"You can't actually fight her."

To Catra's credit, she considered Adora's words. It didn't mean much though, at least not when it came to Glimmer. "Yeah. I don't see why I can't."

"Because that would be proving her assumptions about you right. And also…" Adora sighed, the last dredges of the argument's heat leaving her system. "Because you're a better person than that."

Catra's eyes widened ever so slightly. "You think so?"

"I know so."

"... Hmph," but she quickly covered up her surprise. "Okay."

It felt very strange to be talking that way. As if they were together. Still… Adora half expected Catra to up and leave. It would be just her luck lately. 

Adora started to consider her options. She was hungry, but maybe it was better to bury herself in work. She shuffled some papers around, quickly discovering that as was the case most of the time, she just wasn't into it. 

“Hey, Adora?”

“... Mm?” She looked back up. 

“I really fucking hate her, but uh…" Catra cleared her throat. "Fuck. Uh… Sorry I thought that about you and Glimmer. I guess I should’ve known you were too good for that. Also… The fight… Yeah."

So, imagine Adora's surprise when she heard that. An apology. An apology while they hadn't had "the talk" yet. That was probably rarer than a double rainbow. 

She couldn't help but to smile, albeit briefly, at that tiny bit of sweetness. “Thanks."

It was enough to encourage Catra, apparently. 

"Shit," she laughed. "That's it? If you keep acting like that then you're actually going to make me feel guilty."

And a little... More… Sweetness?

"Acting like what?"

"Alright," Catra motioned for her to stand up. "Let’s go, asshole."

_Hold up. Had something shifted?_

Adora tilted her head slightly. "What?"

It didn't feel like "I don't know" was behind this sort of behavior.

"Of course you're going to make me explain myself, Jesus Christ. _Okay._ I'm getting you lunch.” Catra bit the side of her bottom lip. She still couldn't make eye contact. How familiar. “To uh… Make up for crashing your first one.”

See, it definitely wasn't. 

So what was behind it? 

Adora didn't know if she should pursue it. Even if nothing was happening - and something was definitely happening - was eating together in public really such a smart idea? After everything they’d done?

“Catra, we probably shouldn’t…”

"Don't make it weird. Besides, I've got something class related to talk about."

Adora hesitated.

But yeah.

It didn't last long. 

She wanted to know why Catra was being nice way, way too much for her own good.

"Okay." She agreed, rising from her desk. "Let's go."

After a very short conversation in which Catra continued to staunchly refuse to look at Adora, they decided on one of the university's food courts. Adora was neither going to personally pay for nor let Catra pay for the regular dining hall. Not after Catra told her that once she'd bitten into a taco once and found metal instead of meat. That just wasn’t worth 12 bucks.

Then again…

"You're seriously going to put me out 8 dollars for a 32oz strawberry smoothie?" Catra made eye contact for that, if only to express her disgust. 

Man, it was odd talking like this again. Really, really odd. Not that Adora was going to complain. 

"I can pay for it." She shrugged. 

"I've got it, but jeez. You can't go for a smaller size?"

"Not today. It’s going to get me through lecture.”

"More like it’ll ruin lecture. As entertaining as that would be, you're going to give yourself a sugar crash."

"I don't really get those."

That was true. She never had. It was really only a plus to her life. 

"What even…” Catra shook her head, but gave in. “Okay. Cheeseburger too, right? Stay here, I'll order and get it." 

Adora lingered at the edge of the food court until Catra returned and pushed an oversized drink into her hand. Adora returned the motion, but with cash. Catra looked genuinely surprised.

“I’m not actually letting you pay for my lunch. Although I'm curious, how’d it feel to be nice?”

“Still deciding.” She pocketed the money. “Let’s head outside.”

So much for charging the laptop. Maybe it’d make it through class, maybe not. _If it didn’t, could Adora leave early?_

Catra found an empty picnic table in a semi-secluded spot. Adora couldn’t quite relax though, because even if almost everyone passing by didn’t care, all it took was one. One person to screw things up.

"You trust her not to tell anyone?" Catra’s near whispered question pulled Adora out from one land of paranoia to another.

"What? I-... Yeah, of course." 

What kind of question was that? 

"Seriously?”

10 years of friendship. If Glimmer messed everything up, that'd be 10 years down the drain. This was just a rough patch. 

"You don't trust her?"

Well. Maybe that was a dumb question. Catra had a grand total of one encounter with Glimmer. But again, 10 years! There was trust there. 

"No. Guess I'm just going to have to take your word for it." Catra bit into her own burger. 

Adora knew Glimmer. 

"I've been friends with her forever. She wouldn’t ruin my life like that.” Adora decided to try her burger too. 

The burger Catra had tried to buy for her. Who cared if it was good, it was practically a gift. Like… The other stuff...

_… What the hell was going on with Ca-_

Catra visibly tensed as she finished chewing her first bite. "Yeah, okay. I got an actual question now. Also, take your laptop out." 

Oh! Good idea. Looking like she was working was good. Adora did so.

“What’s your 'actual' question?”

"Alright, well I can tell you one thing," Catra opened up her bag and took out a packet of papers. "I don't get 85's."

So, Catra had come by to talk about the test. Not… Them. _That_ was the thing that led to that disaster. Adora squeezed her eyes shut for like, three whole seconds, then took a deep breath for good measure. It didn't help that she was still worried about her own bias. She hadn't been the one to grade it. She'd dropped it off with one of the TAs as soon as she possibly could. 

Adora never thought it'd come back to her. "I thought you didn't want unfair treatment."

_Just how high was Catra’s GPA that she was fighting over an 85?_

Never before had Adora felt so tempted to check a student's transcript. It was yet another thing she wasn't supposed to do without reason. 

"I don't." Catra rolled her eyes. "I'm right. Which means an 85 is unfair." She put the test down on the table. "Look at the essay question."

Yeah, Adora was barely resisting the urge. 

"I'm looking." 

"It's asking about military strategy. Right?" Catra leaned forwards. Adora could faintly smell whatever hair product she used. "See what I put."

She was looking, yes, but that did not help her see. 

"W-Well, there were three-"

"Yeah yeah, I know. I put those in there too, which means I should’ve gotten partial credit at least. I politely asked my TA to fix my grade, but she told me to talk to you." 

"That's, uh… Not the answer she expected, you put a lot of focus on the-"

"I don't care." Catra rolled her eyes. "I'm still right." 

"She probably should've given you partial credit. We can talk about that."

Apparently, that wasn't good enough for Catra. She leaned in even closer. Adora's head started pounding in an entirely new way that unfortunately, accentuated her headache. It also got her stomach going. Badly.

"You specifically asked about after the First Ones showed up." Catra pointed at the question. "That changed the game. What'd they do almost every battle? Not the three you wanted. They only used a frontal assault, what, half the time? The other half was guerrilla. They used the pincer maneuver when they were losing." And drew her finger across the three tactics as she said them. "But they always used plagues to weaken the opposing army first. Biological warfare was the reason they won most of the time. It's how the First Ones managed to take over in the first place. It didn't matter that there were less of them when the Etherian army couldn't fight back. That's bigger than the three techniques combined."

Adora’s jaw would’ve dropped were she not so worried about the state of her stomach.

She knew Catra was motivated. 

But that was ridiculous. 

She had not lectured on the plagues. Nobody liked to think about Etherian warfare that way, and even she had separated First One's techniques from Etherian. It hadn't even occurred to her to put it on the test. 

Catra made a great case.  
.  
She wasn't wrong at all. 

Adora didn't have to give her the points. Although technically, it wouldn't be wrong if she did. 

"... Can I ask how you even know all that?"

Catra was in science, after all. 

"I like military stuff. And after we first started…" She looked away pointedly. Another waft of her drifted over. "Whatever. I just know."

Adora felt herself turning pink. "Okay, yeah. Um."

"Look. Don't ask open ended questions if you don't want a bunch of answers. Do I get my points back or not?"

Did she? Adora was not the right person to ask. The right reasons to do that were there, but Adora had morals. She shouldn’t be the one to decide. Although, she definitely didn't want to punish her for coming by, even if it had been for something so small. 

She could give back the full 10…

… But no matter what Adora told herself, if she did that, she would not have done it for any of the correct reasons. She would've done it for Catra and Catra alone. And that was a very wrong thing to do. 

"Okay…" Adora tried to swallow her reservations. "Okay. You know I have to do half, right?”

That was the best Adora could do. The fairest compromise. The one that didn't make her more nauseous. Because surely if no points was wrong and full points was unethical, then half points was… Okay? 

Maybe? 

There was that studying gaze again. 

“Yeah.” Catra finally said, then relaxed back onto her side of the bench. “I know.”

Her scent faded into the breeze. Adora missed it. Then came that feeling again; the one that said she was being studied. The one that said Catra was waiting. Adora looked around for anyone who might be listening in. It was already a habit. Adora took another bite of her food.

"So... Are you doing okay?" She asked tentatively after swallowing, doing her best to convey her concern in a way Catra would see as pure. "I've been worried."

It must've worked. "Yeah…"

"Have you been thinking?"

"Yeah."

It was time to ask. Before anything else distracted them.

"What's changed? Why are you even here… Being… Nice?"

More observation. It was much shorter this time, though. 

"You didn't come up with it yourself." Catra explained, unsmiling. Nothing else came after. She was obviously content to leave it that vague. 

Adora was less content. "And...?"

Catra cocked her head. "Uh, well that changes things, duh. I told you that earlier. You didn't put 'gullible' and 'different than I thought' together?"

Adora shook her head. She had definitely not done that. Catra looked at her like she was stupid. _More smoothie. More burger._

"Are you seriously going to make me explain this?" 

… Adora nodded, still undeniably lost. Catra took a hot second to decide whether or not she was even going to bother, but then leaned in again- _ohmanokay,_ and lowered her voice.

"Ugh. You're so- I just- okay. Alright. Look, dumbass. It'd be different if you'd made those assumptions yourself." Catra paused, easing back on her harshness. "But you didn't. Which means you wouldn't have thought it without your dickwad of a friend. And honestly, after meeting Glimmer and uh… Knowing you, miss _I-don't-know-what-I-want,_ I'm kind of shocked you held up against her even a little."

Oh, so Catra thought Glimmer knew from the start. That sparked a mild amount of guilt in Adora. She hadn't held up well at all after Glimmer found out. She'd accepted her theory within a day. Adora went back to the smoothie to give herself time to think on how to respond. 

"Does it really change things though?" Adora wasn't sure if she should still be arguing against Catra's burgeoning belief in her innocence, but the guilt spurred her on. "I still believed it. I know I already said that too, but it's my fault for messing things up, not Glimmer's. I'm the one who-"

“That matters too, stupid.” Catra muttered. "You fucked up, but you're still blaming yourself for Glimmer's bullshit. I meant it when I said you're gullible, and maybe that means you're just an idiot after all. Not a bitch. Get it yet? Can I stop?" 

Yes.

Yes, Adora got it. 

The feelings those words evoked in Adora were overwhelmingly warm. Cautious, but so comforting. The guilt fell away - because whether or not Adora should've pushed back harder against Glimmer was beside the point; what mattered was that Adora really was just that. Uh, not a bitch. That something had come out of that argument. 

She looked over her shoulder before hesitantly continuing the conversation. "Does that mean you're still mad at me? Or- I mean, are you not mad anymore?"

The question wasn't exactly clear, but as Adora soon found out, neither was the answer. 

Catra shrugged. That was it. That was all she gave. No yes or no, because apparently she was done. Well, maybe they could work up to that kind of admission. Maybe it was still possible. Perhaps it was a bad time to do it, but there wouldn't be a better opening in the foreseeable future. A little over a week was already a long time. 

"Do you… Uh..." 

And for someone like Adora, a long time was long enough. 

"Do I what?"

She had the same feeling about Catra's level of patience too. In fact, she was betting on it.

"Well… So, I know things aren't the same," Adora began hesitantly, still scanning around and feeling her heart start to pound in her throat. "Do you maybe want to give me a chance? Try again?"

"Try what?" Catra deadpanned.

Adora blinked.

Had she missed something?

"Heh, um. What do you mean 'what?'" 

Had they not been talking about what Adora thought they were talking about? No, that couldn't be right.

"What were we trying the first time?"

Oh jeez. She had absolutely no idea how to phrase that. 

"Kissing?" Catra prodded further, though she was courteous enough to lower her voice to a previously unknown level. "Sex? You tell me what we were trying in the first place, because honestly I don't know."

"I was… I was thinking more like… A date…" 

Yet more studying. How could Adora be any more obvious? She was trying to be an open book. Please read, Catra. Read. 

"... Maybe." Catra said slowly, tapping her foot. "But I want something else. Not being a vindictive bitch isn't enough." Adora's heart sank a little at that. "Show me you’re not going to duck out next time Glimmer talks shit. That… You’re invested in this. That you're actually going to try." 

Show her that she was invested? 

How was Adora supposed to do that? 

There was very little she could do in the middle.of campus like this. She really only had one idea. And that? She probably shouldn't. She'd had this debate with herself a million times. Leaving that kind of footprint was a recipe for disaster. She'd mostly avoided it so far, but…

She wanted this to work, right? 

Really work. 

So there had to be some trust. 

Adora stopped herself just for a moment. "If I do, you have to promise me you'll be nice to Glimmer. For real." 

"Whatever. " But Catra soon realized Adora was serious. "... Fine. I promise I'll be nicer to your friend who hates me."

"Okay, here." Adora finally pulled out her phone. 

(12:32 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Hey, would you go out on a date with me?_

Minus the momentary _oh God a digital footprint on her end yep that was for real_ feeling, Adora was pretty proud of that being her declaration of investment. It was smooth for being in public. Yeah. That was like… Really smooth. At least she hoped so. 

Because there was no taking that back. 

Catra looked at Adora with suspicion before slowly checking her own phone. She bit her lip to stop it from curling into either a smile or a grimace - Adora couldn't tell. So, she waited. 

"Well…" 

"Yes?"

"We'd have to go somewhere really far from here."

"I uh, have a car."

"Really?" Catra looked up from her phone and raised an eyebrow. "No shit. I never would've guessed."

"I mean I can-” Now they were talking about a potential date in public, Adora searched around again. “I can take us somewhere."

"I knew what you meant. I still can't believe you're this dense."

"I'm not dense." Adora frowned. 

Idiot was affectionate. A term of endearment that Adora had learned to accept. Dense was just mean. A regular old adjective. 

"You're dense."

"I- okay. Are you going to answer? You haven't said yes or no." 

_"So dense."_ Catra mocked. 

Oh! Oh!!! 

"There it is. You better fucking text me." 

“But… Heh. Didn’t I literally just do that?"

"That doesn't count."

"It doesn't?" 

(12:33 p.m.)

_**Adora:** I'm pretty sure this counts!_

Catra shot a (hopefully) playful glare across the table. "Yeah yeah, you got your answer. Finish your diabetes in a cup and shut up.”

Adora did - gladly. She watched Catra get homework for another class out and start on it, apparently content to sit in Adora's presence. Gone was her upset. It simply vanished from her mind, as did Glimmer. All she could think about was Catra. This part of Catra. The one who had taken her to lunch just to give her a chance. The sweet side of her. Stuff like this reminded her why she still liked Catra, and how she'd been dumb enough to fall in the first place. Behind all… That… Was a wonderful person. And when they connected… Well, there really was nothing like it. 

"You can make fun of it, but I’m telling you,” Adora slurped the last of the smoothie down. “It’s going to save class today.”

“Is it that bad? What’s it even on?”

“Half of it is like, potatoes.” She really did hope her computer died, because then maybe she and Catra would have more time to talk. 

“Shit. Can I skip?” Catra motioned at her work. "I'd rather do this instead."

“Ha, nope. I have to be entertained too, you know.”

“Fuck.”

\---

Unfortunately, Adora's computer made it. It was at 4% by the end of class, yes, but it made it through the full hour. That meant everyone had to listen to and take notes on over 30 minutes of information about potatoes. Adora was as disappointed as everyone else. 

She'd talked so much about potatoes, she actually made mash as part of dinner. It was a strange thing to be sick of a food type while also craving it. After dinner, the evening called for many other things to be done. Most of those things were simply chores. She was not nervous about chores.

There was, however, one action she had to work up to.

(9:49 p.m.)

_**Adora:** I know you want me to text more._

_**Adora:** So what's up? :)_

_**Catra:** out rn_

_**Adora:** Where?_

_**Catra:** wouldnt you like to know_

_**Catra:** always with the questions_

_**Catra:** im with friends tonight sorry cant text_

_**Adora:** At least tell me when you're back at the dorm?_

_**Catra:** why_

_**Adora:** Because I care that you make it back safe._

_**Adora:** Please?_

_**Catra:** ugh_

Was Catra being passive aggressive? Maybe she really was still pissed at some level, perhaps even about the ghosting. That would explain the seemingly standoffish behavior Or... Maybe that was just Catra. Adora decided to wait for Catra to confirm she’d made it back. Perhaps she was being too optimistic, but she was going to hope for the best.

So yeah, Adora waited. 

_She packed a real lunch for Wednesday. Potatoes, oh dear. Anyways, she wasn't stalking her phone or anything like that._

And waited.

_After that, she checked out the various going ons of social media._

And waited.

_Okay, eventually she ran out out of stuff to do._

Until Catra finally came through. 

(2:16 a.m.)

_**Catra:** safe_

_**Catra:** happy?_

_**Adora:** Very happy._

Adora was curled up in bed by then, sleepily smiling to herself. She let the blue light bathe her eyes until they damn near hurt. It was a good hurt. The satisfied kind. The safe kind.

_**Adora:** Thank you. Goodnight, Catra._

_**Adora:** <3_

_**Catra:** hey adora?_

_**Adora:** Yes?_

_**Catra:** thanks for staying up._

_**Catra:** gn_

Only then did Adora put her phone up to charge. It had been a long wait. Maybe it felt longer than it really was, but Catra was back. It was finally alright to rest. Perhaps - and Adora really hoped this was true, perhaps it was even alright to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust is a beautiful thing. 
> 
> As it turns out, I am capable of positive emotions. Gasp! 
> 
> I mean look at them so sweet and happy and mwah delicious. Also yay for upcoming sexual content.


	7. It's a Date (and it's on Purpose)!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all y'all! 
> 
> I am so happy to share something that's not actually from me!
> 
> **melonbreadmondays,** I wanted to put my thank you for your wonderful gift front and center. I am beyond honored. You are too sweet and your kindness is now immortalized in time! :) 
> 
> Here's a direct link as well: https://twitter.com/melonbreadmon/status/1310655167491080198/photo/1

Just like, hypothetically, if you were going on a date with Catra, what would you get her? What might you see in a store that would simply be _sooo_ her? 

Yeah, well. Adora had the same issue. She'd spent each day leading up to the date trying to find something to show Catra how much she cared. The basics just weren't going to cut it. She technically could've settled for flowers, but when she imagined Catra holding them, the picture was grim. Catra would be more than a little disgruntled at having been made to politely hold a bouquet the entire date. Or, worse yet, there was also a fair chance that Catra would simply throw them away if they became too bothersome. 

After several days of agonizing, Adora decided that Catra was just going to have to be satisfied by the gift of… Adora's company? She would have to make it some pretty darn good company. She had to be, or else the whole thing was going to be a disaster. So, this time? 

She was going to be smart. 

They'd agreed on Friday afternoon. Thankfully, finding the place came easier than finding a gift. For the second time in recent memory, Adora had parked behind the chemical engineering building. She didn't wait long before Catra opened the car door and sat down in the passenger seat. They were both dressed casually. Tees and jeans. Another agreement that kept the pressure off. 

_But there was pressure. It felt like a bit of a swap. It was a little…_

"Uh, Adora?" 

"Hm?"

"Where are you?" 

"I'm here! Sorry!" Adora snapped out of her thoughts. "I was just thinking."

"Jesus, is that what that is?" Catra looked at Adora with inquiring eyes. Her amusement and annoyance seemed about equal. 

"Yeah! So uh, need anything before we go?" 

But neither matched that uncharacteristic nervousness. Adora could see it. Catra had a leg up over Adora on just about everything but literal dates - and it wasn't like her last experience did anything to heighten her confidence.

In line with that observation, Catra slowly shook her head no. She looked down at her hands like she didn't know what to do with them. "No, I… I'm not missing anything important." 

"You're my navigator. So here!"

She held out her phone. She'd already plugged in the location, but she wasn't going to be an unsafe driver. _Oh no no no, never._ The GPS wasn't actually necessary, because Adora actually had the way memorized... But putting Catra in charge of navigation forced them to interact if all else failed. 

Adora was smart, see? 

Catra took the phone. "Fun. Where exactly are we going?"

"This town about forty minutes away. It's old! It has stores. A theater. Nice restaurants. The second best ice cream place in the state, and a creek with those boat rides you see in movies." Adora rattled the list off with joy. "I figure we won't do everything but it's like, a nice place to be. We can walk around! In public. Oh, it's also got an old battlefield." 

Catra looked back up from Adora's phone only at the end of that little ramble. "Of course. Can't forget the battlefield. What would a date be without a battlefield?" 

"Hey now. You said you liked war history."

"Hm, you did your research."

That was the understatement of the century. 

"I'm not messing this up again." Adora said with confidence and turned on the car.

"You're not, huh?" Catra offered a small smile reply. "Well that's... Reassuring."

Her presence really was much more, mm, compact than usual. And it wasn't just date nerves. There was another hesitancy there. A reservation. Catra kept them to herself, but they showed. They showed in her texts. They'd been a little hard to read into. Still short at times. Still a little snappy. Of course, still a little sweet here and there, just like after Adora stayed up - and especially after she sent Catra a good morning text the day after. 

Adora was not good at understanding such things, but she'd experienced enough of Catra to follow what was going on this time. She could tell that while Catra was trusting her not to run away, fully believing it wouldn't happen was hard. But that was okay. All that mattered was that they were talking again. Trying again. Adora would fix that fear. 

Barring concern over that, Adora was still determined. Thrilled, actually. They were talking! They were doing it! They were finally on the same page. Nothing was going to go wrong, not if she had anything to do with it.

Adora reached over the center console to take Catra's free hand, then gave it comforting a squeeze. "This is going to be fun."

And she meant it. She did. 

"Yeah." Catra's smile grew into something that reflected a real hint of excitement. "I hope."

"Trust me. I am very fun, just watch." Satisfied with that, Adora put the car in reverse.

"You are definitely many things, but I don't know if I'd describe you as fun."

"Prepare to be impressed." Adora said, starting out of the lot and towards the edge of campus. "Directions?"

Driving already felt better this time. Way, way better. How had Adora failed to appreciate how nice driving with Catra was? She could do this forever. 

"I can hardly take the suspense." Catra chuckled. "And yeah, stay on campus drive to 15, then take the first ramp off that heading South."

"Thank you!"

Adora followed the directions off of campus and onto 15, brimming with excitement. Her mind began buzzing again, this time drifting into fantasy. Look, it had been over two years since Adora had been on an actual, planned date. To be on one with Catra was a dream come true. 

"Highway, Adora."

_She should probably pay attention to said actual, planned date._

"Yup! Yup. Thanks." Adora quickly got on the ramp.

"If you're this inattentive, I might as well drive." Quite contrary to the offer, Catra yawned and leaned her seat back.

"Ahaha, no. When's the last time you drove, anyways?" 

Then rather dangerously propped one of her heels onto the dash. "Hmm, the summer after I got my license? City parking is expensive. I wasn't going to bring a car here. Also, I can't afford a car. So there's that."

Adora refrained from informing Catra that if they crashed, her knee would go through her skull. She had a feeling that if she did, Catra would put both feet up. 

"Yeah, I don't think you're driving." 

"What if you drink again? Can I drive then?"

"I am not doing that for the foreseeable future."

"Aw, so no more tipsy confessions from you? Damn, I was excited." 

Besides, the banter seemed to be relaxing Catra. That was good. It warmed Adora's heart. Hearing her talk more. 

"Hey, idiot. You're about to get off the wrong exit." 

"I-... You're distracting me."

"I can be quiet." 

"I don't think you can." Adora rolled her eyes.

It was meant as a tease, but oh crap. She should not have said it like that. Saying it like that was issuing a challenge. Catra closed her eyes, resolutely refusing to speak.

"Well, I- that's not what I- Catra. That's not what I meant."

Adora tried to be okay with it. She really did. She kept her eyes firmly on the road. 

Until they weren't. 

"... Catra?"

It was just a glance, but it was enough to see the edge of Catra's most recognizable smirk. 

"Catra…"

Okay. Okay. Fine! Adora put on the radio. Catra shut it off with a laugh. 

_"Catra…!"_

Catra dropped her foot back down to the floor and snapped her seat back up. "You are too easy. You know that, right?"

Relieved, Adora smiled. "Yeah… Maybe when it comes to you."

After that, the conversation kept going until they made it there. That was also excellent. They arrived in good time. Adora turned onto the main road. It was a very cute downtown. There was the creek, as promised. There were the shops. The theater. Lots of trees. And the battlefield off in the distance! It was everything she'd hoped and more. 

Adora stopped at a red light and turned to face Catra. "Can you check for parking?"

Catra was not looking at the phone. She was looking at Adora with an intensity that Adora could hardly handle. She leaned in, across the console, their lips almost touching, and then-

"Green. Step on it." 

_"Ffffokay._ Okay! On it." Adora slammed a little too hard on the gas. The car moved, but not before an absolutely awful lurch. 

"You were right, you are fun. This is a blast."

Thankfully, Catra rather politely assisted in finding a parking garage. There wasn't any teasing while Adora paid for the spot either. That was a little more disappointing - but expected. They came out of the parking garage into a simply stunning day. Bright blue sky and not a cloud in sight. It was wonderful. It made Adora's heart swell. 

They looked at each other, the crisp breeze serving as a reminder that they were out in the open. Where all could see. Nevertheless, Adora slowly held out her hand. Catra looked down at it, then back up at Adora. She seemed to take a moment to gauge the gesture before finally taking it. 

Adora held her breath as Catra's fingers interlocked with hers.

No one noticed.

At least four people walked by without a word before they started moving. 

And when they moved, not one person cared. 

Adora broke into the happiest, dopiest grin she'd had in years. Even Catra looked relieved. 

This was going to be wonderful. 

At first, they were aimless. Adora pointed out a few more specific reasons she'd been drawn to the town. Unsurprisingly, most of those reasons were history related. She did have to like, enjoy history to get through her PhD, you know. Her mistake was going into teaching, but that wasn't what this was at all. It started somewhat interestingly. Supposed hauntings and whatnot, but Adora's enthusiasm led her to excitedly recite all the other facts she'd memorized during her research. 

Like the sidewalks!

No, seriously! 

See, the brick work actually changed based on when the sidewalks were built. In the downtown area alone there were patterns ranging from the 1860's to the 1940's. Just that said a lot about the town's development over time. And the alleys! The alleys too! The ones in the oldest part of town were so much smaller than in the newer parts because they'd been built for carriages. 

It was admittedly not the most riveting trivia in the world. Adora might not have researched the town _that_ deeply if it weren't for the date. While history was a true competency of hers, maybe sidewalks and alleyways weren't the best conversation, and yet- and yet… As Adora considered slowing herself down, she realized Catra didn't seem to mind at all. She was letting Adora babble to her heart’s content. She even started laughing at Adora. Not at her crappy jokes. But that was enough. It still counted. 

She seemed happy. 

They took a break from holding hands once sweat became just a little too much of a reality. They were at the end of one particularly long block when Adora spotted it. Excitement had her fling her arm out - straight and stiff as a board, to stop Catra. While Adora certainly succeeded in that endeavor, she also managed to essentially karate chop her date in the throat. 

_Minor setback…!_

"A-Adora!" Catra doubled, coughing and sputtering in just the worst way. 

_Minor! Setback!_

Adora immediately dropped into guilt. "Sorry! Are you okay!? Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I saw the ice cream shop _andIgotexcitedandthen-"_

Catra coughed a little more, but put up a hand to reassure her. "Okay…! It’s okay. I'm good." 

"I swear I didn't mean to." 

"You’re the stupidest person I’ve ever met, but yeah." She finally straightened up. Her voice was a little raspy. 

The assurances did nothing to convince Adora, though. She had to make sure for herself. She touched Catra's face with concern. Her arms with comfort. All over, really.

"I said I'm good." 

"I know, but-"

Catra pulled Adora's hands down, clasping them tightly so she couldn't continue checking for damage. "I'm okay. You want the second best ice cream in the state, right?" 

Catra had listened. Catra had… Remembered. Adora hesitated a nod. It was something she really wanted to do. 

"Then let's get it, dummy." 

So they did. Simple. 

Catra watched Adora indecisively move back and forth between chocolate and vanilla for at least thirty seconds before suggesting that she get two scoops. Genius. 

Catra was a genius.

Apparently, Catra wasn't much into ice cream. She got plain old cookies and cream, yet seemed far more interested in Adora than eating. 

When Adora licked up a particularly drippy part of her double scoop disaster, Catra's eyes followed her movements. Adora thought she might get a kiss then, but no.

It might've been the second best ice cream in the state. It was the best she'd ever had. 

After they finished, they continued their walk down the main road and into an area filled with shops. Shops were really just icing on the cake. Cute, family run, but entirely there for atmosphere. Adora had not planned to stop at all - and clearly neither had Catra, until the shimmering edge of a blade caught both of them off guard. 

"Catra, is that a broadsword?" 

It was a sword. 16th century and just sitting in a shop window. It was enough to get them inside. 

It was also not for sale.

Not that Adora would've bought it, but really? 

This was why Adora didn't window shop. The store was not half as exciting as the sword had led her to believe. It was an eclectic mix of trinkets, jewelry, and clothing. If this was the result of going into a store with a cool sword, then it was time to write off the idea of checking out any others.

Adora was about to suggest that they go back to discussing sidewalks when she spotted something that was definitely for sale. 

"Oh my God… Catra…" 

"Huh? What are you- _no."_ Catra's voice fell into a rather dangerous range. She narrowed her eyes. "No. Not happening."

It was too late though, because Adora had her cornered. She held up the cat ears just above Catra's head and grinned down at her. "Come on, like, your name is Catra! It's perfect!"

"Don't you da-"

In one swift motion, the cat ears were on.

_It really didn't help that Catra hissed at that._

"Adora! What the fuck!?"

Adora stepped back and covered her mouth to stifle her laughter. Other shoppers glanced over at the commotion. Catra ripped off the cat ears, burning red with embarrassment that Adora had never seen before. She quite liked this new knowledge - that Catra was not impervious.

"You're shitty." Catra muttered. "Really fucking shitty." 

Adora removed her hand from her mouth. "Well you're cute." 

She pushed the ears back into Adora's grasp. "I'm not cute."

"No? Then what are you?"

"I'm… I'm hot." She sounded like she'd thought that through a long time ago, yet was suddenly doubting her choice to voice it. "There's a difference." 

What an interesting argument from a very cute woman. 

"I had no idea there was a difference," Adora teased. "What am I then?"

"You're just… You." 

"I'm me? Does that mean I'm _both?"_

Catra growled something completely incomprehensible before turning away. Quite pleased with herself, Adora returned the ears to the section they had come from. She briefly looked for a tail to go along with them, but when she couldn't find any, she decided that leaving was still the best choice. 

Except Catra had vanished.

Adora's heart struggled not to sink into frigid, unfriendly lands. It was a joke. It was...

Had-...

Had Catra-...? 

Like that, Catra reappeared and grumpily thrust a disgustingly yellow crop top into Adora's arms. It had the word _"SUNSHINE"_ written on it. 

The relief of Catra's return drowned out the alarm bells that were oh so quietly going off somewhere in Adora's mind. It should've clicked for Adora that she may have gotten herself into something she hadn't prepared for, but it didn't. 

"You're trying that on," Catra all but growled. "Dressing room. Now." 

It didn't click at all. 

"Am I?" Adora observed the top with confusion.

Yes.

No.

Either way, Catra dragged her over to the dressing room. It wasn't so much of a room as it was a small cubicle made private by a tan curtain. She pulled the curtain shut with the dramatic swish then whirled around to face Adora with- oh no. That look. 

_That one._

Catra's signature smirk had made its most devious appearance that day. She was also still slightly red, which didn't speak well for her motivations. She crossed the short distance between them so that Adora was backed up against the wall. After not more than five seconds of tension, a short scuffle ensued. Adora wasn't prepared. She ended up losing, wrists hopelessly pinned. 

_She could hear people talking practically right outside._

"Catra- what're-"

"I'm getting you back for being a dick."

"What about the shirt?" It was still bunched in her right hand.

"What about it?" 

_Ohfff…_

This wasn't- it couldn't- there was no way this could ever be anything but inappropriate. Adora was about to ask Catra to let her go, but she didn't need to. Catra did it first. She dropped her wrists, although her goal was much different. She'd let go so she could roughly unzip Adora's jeans. She did so without breaking that enrapturing eye contact. Her confidence did not waver.

Adora's waned in comparison. 

Screwed. She was screwed. 

Damn it. She literally reacted the same way as she had the first time Catra had ever tried something like this. One weak "maybe not," and then… 

"C-Catra…"

"What? You going to tap out?"

 _When was the last time she'd managed to not have wildly inappropriate sex, anyways?_

Adora scanned around the small room, waiting for someone to pull back the curtain. Someone to catch them. There was still a muffled discussion going on not ten feet away. 

She gulped, unable to ignore the pulse between her legs. "No, I…"

Catra slid her hand underneath the fabric of Adora's underwear. Her gaze remained locked as she pinned Adora closer to the wall. "You?" 

"I-"

An exploratory, almost lazy finger found Adora's clit. The contact was light, but it along with a stranger's cough from outside had Adora's legs jerk. She gasped and held onto Catra for support, her whole body tensing. The shirt fell to the ground. Below burned in the neediest way. It had been so long, and...

It was so embarrassing. 

But Adora gave in, holding her head low against Catra's shoulder as Catra traced small circles into her wetness. She suppressed the smallest whimpers just fine, but each time Catra pressed even a little harder, her breathing turned to incomprehensible whimpers.

_Something about… The wait. About being in a dressing room. It made silence impossible._

"I'm hardly touching you, princess." 

"It's… It's been a while…" Adora panted in reply. 

"Aw," Catra decided it was time to slide a digit inside. It wasn't enough. Adora rocked her hips down, but all that resulted in was Catra stilling her finger. "You missed me that much, huh." She turned her head so her breath tickled Adora's ear. "Did you touch yourself at all during our break?"

Shit. 

Adora clenched her eyes shut. Another short jerk, another vain attempt to get Catra to start moving again - and nothing. Nothing but a whine she barely managed to bite back. 

"N-No…" She eventually whispered. "That would've been disrespectful to you…"

"I-... I'm sorry, what?" Catra's… Act? Catra's act faltered. The loss of focus brought forth a laugh that extended down to the finger inside, which twitched. 

Adora shuddered. "... You were mad at me."

"So you punished yourself?"

"... I didn't… Think of it that way…"

There was a second finger. Unexpected and in no way mere teasing. Adora whimpered into Catra's shoulder, burying her flushed face yet deeper into Catra's following the slowly increasing pace of the thrusts. There was a light thump against the wall whenever a rougher movement pushed her back into it. 

_Deeper._

If it was an uncomfortable position for her wrist, Catra made no mention of it. She eventually growled for Adora to lift her head. Adora did - barely, and was rewarded with an overwhelming stinging on her neck. Catra was just going to have her way with her. If there were marks, and there absolutely were, then so be it. Adora could hear herself. And that didn't mean her so badly controlled gasps.

It felt like she was being wound to her limit.

It felt like she would snap. 

She was close. Seconds away from croaking that she was going to come when Catra, ever the psychic, removed her hand from Adora's pants and left Adora in desperate need of stimulation that was no longer there. She almost cried out. 

Adora could hardly process Catra roughly tugging her underwear and pants down below her knees. She let Catra push her down onto the cheap dressing room bench that she undoubtedly had made a mess on the moment she sat down. 

"Do you want more?" Catra bent over and breathed in her ear once Adora had leaned back, settling into relative quietness through heavy breathing. _She could hear herself, and now she could smell too…_

"I-... Yes…"

"You have to tell me where." 

"D-Down…"

Catra began descending Adora's body, watching her expressions and testing her reactions with utmost pleasure. "Here?" 

She pushed up Adora's shirt to kiss her stomach. She seemed perfectly content to stay. 

"No… Further…" Adora mumbled, spreading her legs as much she could.

"Here?" Catra fell completely to her knees, still watching with fiery eyes. 

She might've been on the ground. 

"Y-Yes please…"

But Catra had Adora the moment her breath washed over her. Adora tangled her fingers into Catra's hair, then bit down on her other hand. Her body shivered in reaction to each stroke of Catra's tongue over her folds. She wasn't going to be able to stay still. A moan slipped out - a real one. 

The talking outside stopped. 

_Yet Catra continued._

Adora had almost forgotten about it. She'd almost forgotten everything about the situation. It came flooding back. They could get caught, _ahhhnd_ that would-

Catra turned her focus directly to Adora's clit, her eyes remaining firmly fixed on Adora's face. Her expressions. Her every change. 

_"F-FfffCatra… I- I…"_

"Are you ladies okay in there?" 

Harsh nails dragged down Adora's thighs, probably to force another gasp. Which she gave. Immediately.

"We're fine." Catra told the clerk, pausing to lift her head.

_No, back…_

"You're sure you two don't need anything?"

"What do you think, Adora? Do you need anything?"

Back. Back again. Her tongue rolled back over Adora's core in that perfect way. 

"N-No…!" Adora bleated out. "No, t-thank you…!"

The clerk's feet slowly, slowly shuffled away. Time was of the essence by then.

Adora needed to tell Catra that she was perfect. Just like she used to. She needed to tell her the effect she had on her. She needed to- she needed- Adora pushed herself against Catra's face, grinding as much as she could without crying out. 

"Catra… C-Catra…" Her breathing turned the most ragged it had been. And-

_Perfect._

Catra watched with pride as Adora finally fell apart. Panting and slumped over on a cheap as hell dressing room bench in the back of a crappy store.

_So perfect._

Catra came up to just under Adora's jaw, softly kissing it up and down. That's where the tenderness was. The emotion. She could never quite hide it, not even when she wanted to. 

_So very-_

But all that had still been a punishment. The sweetness fell back into teasing. Quite suddenly, Catra stood up and patted one of Adora's cheeks. "Pull yourself together, princess."

Adora looked up at her in disbelief. "P-Pull myself together…?" 

"We need to continue on with our date, don't we?"

Regretfully, Catra was correct. It was Adora's nature to return the favor, but post orgasm clarity told her that was a bad idea. That doing anything more voided the whole point of getting away from campus. She pulled up her underwear and pants. She took in a few shaky breaths, staring at the curtain. There was nothing to do except leave. 

The second Catra revealed the rest of the store, Adora's heart stopped. She really should've been expecting it. But she hadn't imagined she'd be staring at two middle aged women, faces white and scandalized. By the looks of it, they had heard everything. 

Everything. 

They’d called the clerk over, hadn't they? 

The clerk that was returning, looking about as uncomfortable as physically possible. 

Shocked still by pure horror, Adora couldn't have made herself move if she tried. Catra picked up the slack there. Not two seconds passed before Adora felt herself being pulled into a sprint towards the other end of the shop. They burst back outside, into simply the sweetest sweet air and onto the sidewalk. 

Adora wanted to go hide in a hole. She covered her face with both hands, unable to even begin to comprehend the level of embarrassment that was flooding through her. She couldn't even think because… Because… Catra's laugh was so wonderful. 

It was just the most perfect sound for the most awful moment on the most beautiful day after whipping out of the most stupid shop in existence. Adora broke into uncontrollable giggles. Half of it was mortification, but the other half...

 _Really, how long had it been since she'd done something like that? Had fun like that?_

Catra braced an arm against the store's outer wall to keep herself standing through the fit. "Did you see that stupid look on their dumbass faces?" 

Adora, on the other hand, tried to compose herself. Giggles kept slipping out, though. "I was there. S-So…"

"Well," Catra finally got herself together, eyeing Adora up and down, that same hunger from before already back. Hardly satiated. "I'm guessing you don't want to go back in there?"

Oh how the thought terrified Adora. That killed the amusement. She shook her head vigorously. "Do you think we'll get in trouble?"

"Are you seriously worried about that?"

"Yes? You're not!?"

"Nope," and Catra looked it, waving the idea off. "It's not like we did it in the open. They don't have proof. People fuck in dressing rooms all the time."

"But-"

"Hey, dumbass. Stop worrying about it. It's okay to have fun. You're fun, remember?"

Adora had said that. Perhaps she shouldn't have. 

"I know it's okay to have fun. I have…" She struggled. She did. "I have lots of fun!"

"Aw. You don't sound like you believe yourself. Always so uptight." Catra teased.

"Sometimes it's a good thing!" 

"Mm, not today." She confidently advanced, pressing Adora's back into the wall of the storefront. “Got it?”

Catra was so very close. 

“I got it.”

And yet she didn’t kiss her. Again.

“Let’s get some real food."

"Yeah…" Adora tried to settle the thrilling tingles that zipped through every limb in her body. They even made her fingers numb. "Let's do that."

The town had nice restaurants.

But Catra chose a diner. 

Adora had suggested something fancier. One of the places with dozens of five star reviews, yet apparently all Catra wanted was to slide into the same seat as Adora and utterly relax. She lounged across the whole thing, head in Adora’s lap. Yet another form of intimacy they couldn’t have shared anywhere else. It certainly wasn't behavior a nicer restaurant would've tolerated. 

Adora was soon glad Catra insisted on lowkey. 

She held out her menu in front of her, but she wasn't really reading. She kept peeking down. It was hard to focus with Catra gazing up at her with such intensity. 

"Tell me what they've got." 

"You're not going to look at it yourself?"

"Not when I can have you do it " Catra reached up to stroke along Adora’s jawline. “Come on, won’t you?”

Adora felt her face flushing all over again. “Yep. Yep… I can…”

There were well over fifty items on each of the six pages. It was a diner, after all. Quantity over quality and all that. So many… And with each new little touch Catra gave, Adora discerned less and less of the English language. 

"O-Okay, uh-"

Her phone went off. Just once. 

Catra paused her teasing as Adora awkwardly dug her phone out from her back pocket. "Hold on."

(4:55 p.m.)

_**Glimmer:** Can we call?_

If someone told Adora that the tension between Catra and Glimmer was somehow fated to ruin her, she'd believe them. It really seemed that way. 

(4:55 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Hey! So, I'm actually busy right now._

_**Adora:** I can talk to you about everything tonight. Sound good?_

_**Glimmer:** Fine. But you better call me._

That sounded familiar. That was just more proof of fate, or maybe just Catra and Glimmer's similarities. Still, that phrase was a lot more scary coming from Glimmer. At least it was over for the time being. Adora looked away from the screen to find Catra on her phone too. 

"Since we're using our phones." Catra raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry! It was uh," Adora didn't want to mention Glimmer. Not even a little bit. "I thought it was important, but it wasn't." She flipped her phone face down on the table to prove her dedication to not being that kind of person. "What are you looking at?"

Catra slowly put her phone down too. "Just checking application stuff." 

Oh! Right! Grad school! That was something to talk about. 

"What are you planning on doing?"

"Shockingly, the program I really want is at Columbia. Biomed and Informatics."

"Columbia? Jesus.”

“I’ll settle for Vanderbilt.” Catra shrugged, somehow not sounding even a little humble. 

“You’ll settle- okay. Someone has high expectations.”

“I didn’t get this far to fail.”

This far, huh...

“I’m sure you’ll get in.”

“Fingers crossed.”

The waitress came around to take their orders at that point. Adora realized she hadn't managed to read over any options. Catra didn't miss a beat, _how very Catra to have already decided,_ and so Adora copied Catra's order of… Afternoon waffles? 

Ice cream, waffles. What next?

"You didn't need me to read the menu. Waffles, really?"

"What can I say? It's funny watching you ramble on like an idiot. Anyways, I don't trust a diner with anything more complicated than that." Catra explained as the waitress moved to another booth. 

"Wow. Paranoid." 

"It's not paranoia if it's true." Catra narrowed her eyes. "And if they get something wrong, I don't really want to get annoyed with some service worker and give you a reason to hate me."

She didn't want Adora to hate her. 

There was that again. 

That pulled Adora out of the date, if only for a moment. Back to the batting cages and when things were on the brink. It seeded something she knew she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about. It could push the whole date off-kilter. 

"Um…"

So she might as well ask. 

"Yeah?"

"I guess I have a question," Adora began slowly. "It's uh, it's not really appropriate for a date, but I'm curious. Is that okay?"

"Hm, well I don't think we're technically appropriate for a date, so why not? Shoot." 

"You've obviously got it all together, but I see you don't like talking about anything other than the present. A while ago…" Adora hesitated. She could go back. But no. "You uh, you told me you couldn't handle me thinking badly of you. Because of… Other stuff. Why's that?" 

Catra drummed her thigh. She didn't look like she'd expected something like that from Adora. She considered her, although likely more her own reply, before finally speaking.

"You're right. I don't like talking about it much. Things were hard a while ago. I put a lot of time into getting where I am. I probably shouldn't have ever brought it up. Guess I got, hmmm," then she chuckled, _"triggered_ for a moment there." 

"Oh… I see. Was it… Hard when you were a kid too?"

Even after their make up, it was disappointing to learn she'd caused a back slide in Catra. Then again, Catra was opening up a little. 

"How are we getting younger? Are you my therapist?"

A little. 

"No! No! I didn't mean to- like... I just… I was curious."

"Yeah… Well. That's all behind me." Catra shrugged. She didn't sound angry. Not even annoyed. A bit bored, though. "I get you're interested, but I'm doing great. Function and everything, thanks. I use the batting cage when I'm upset and I've got my friends. Will that satiate your undying thirst to reveal my life story for now?"

"Yeah." Adora smiled. She was happy enough with the progress in the emotional department, if not the informational one. "I'll let it go. Thanks for opening up a little."

Catra would say more. It would just take time. 

"Since you asked me a highly inappropriate question, it's my turn. What about you?"

"Huh?"

"Why can't you handle me thinking badly of _you?"_ Catra cocked her head. "Besides the obvious."

_Oh Jesus. Okay then. Also, what the hell did Catra mean by obvious? What was obvious versus not obvious?_

"I-..." The waitress came by with their waffles. That was fast. Adora thanked her for the promptness before turning back to Catra, no closer to figuring out an alternative to the truth than a few seconds earlier. "I don't um, really know. Sorry, heh." 

"Well." Catra finally sat up. She had to in order to cut into her waffle, but Adora still hated the loss of contact. "If you think of it, let me know."

That was the last of that kind of conversation. Their habitual banter returned in full force after that, which meant they spent a long time in that diner. Far longer than Adora meant to and definitely far longer than the waitress enjoyed their presence.

The waffles were $3.95 a piece. Catra had gotten increasingly louder the happier she became. Adora managed to get syrup on the table. Yeah, Adora tipped well. Tipped more than the meal cost, actually. She quite liked the town and didn't want the residents to hate them if they ever came back. 

It was late evening when they finally made it out of the diner. Chillier. A little more walking and they'd made it far enough that they were at the edge of town. She pretended to retie one of her shoes, a harmless lie. Easy even for Adora. That let Catra walk ahead - up to a short wooden fence and metal plaque that touched the flat of the small battlefield that bordered the edge of the town. She wanted a moment to look at her from afar. To take her in. Cicadas buzzed their electricity from the field. There was something hypnotic about the sound. Something hypnotic about Catra being… Quiet.

After that moment passed, Adora came up just behind her. “May I?" 

"Mm? Yeah." 

She pressed herself against Catra's back, letting her chin rest on her shoulder and loosely resting her hands on her hips. "You want to do the boat ride?"

Catra shook her head. "Nah. Too cold. This is good." 

It was that time of year. Warm days. Cool nights. 

"…The evenings are getting like that. Before you know it, the semester will be over." Adora paused, aware that she might be pushing it again. It wasn't necessarily going to go well every time. "If this is uh… Going as well as I think it is, is there any chance we'll talk over break? Make it a thing?"

Break. Break was where Catra tensed. Maybe that had been too serious. Maybe Adora had gotten too excited.

"Yeah… Yeah, of course. I don't have an internship or anything, so I'll be home. And… I'll still be busy and stuff… But yeah." She sounded rather distant. 

Adora decided to drop that rope in particular. 

"I'm sorry. I won't ask again."

Conscious or not, Catra pushed back into Adora’s front. Adora welcomed the opportunity to comfort her. "It's fine... I just don't want to go back."

She adjusted so that her arms wrapped almost all the way around Catra, then lightly kissed the back of her neck. 

"We don't have to yet." She whispered. "It's getting dark, but we can spend a few more minutes."

"Oh- yeah, right. That." The distance in Catra's time disappeared. "There's not much to do here, though. Should we head somewhere else? It's just a field." 

That gave Adora reason for pause. 

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "A field? It's _the_ town battlefield. I thought you liked war history." 

Like, Adora had specifically looked for place that had something like a battlefield. It was a plus! Catra couldn't just...

"I do. I guess I'm just not in the mood." 

Nope.

"Not in the mood?" Adora scoffed. "We've had such a great time! Do I need to distract you again?" She looked over at the nearby plaque, quickly skimming the text for what it had to offer.

She'd actually read the story once before during her research, but she wasn't about to get anything wrong. That would look simply terrible. 

"No no," Catra laughed weakly, clearly at least a little tickled by Adora's enthusiasm. "You don't have to. I-" 

"You missed the lecture where I told everyone that I also like learning about military stuff. This kind of stuff is what I specialize in! Well, sort of. Not really. But let me show you." 

"You're stupid."

"Oh shhh, so look. It was like, the stupidest battle I've ever heard of. It was even stupider than the war of the bucket." Adora then nodded towards a treeline at the opposite end of the field. 

In truth, the award of stupidest battle may actually have gone to the War of the Oaken Bucket, but that was neither relevant nor sufficiently dramatic. Look. Bucket, conflict, lots of death over bucket. That was the short of that.

"Uh huh." 

"There was a disagreement between a group of secessionists and the state in the 1890’s. About 150 secessionists holed up along those trees to ambush the army. And the army was where we are right now. They had twice the numbers, but were under supplied. They’d expected less resistance. The colonel still ordered his men to move across the field." Adora pointed far to the left. "You see that ridgeline way over there?"

It overlooked the field. 

"Yeah. I see it."

"That's where people came to spectate. They had picnics and everything."

"What the fuck?" Catra laughed at that. "People came and _watched?"_

They did indeed. It happened a lot, actually.

"Nobody took the situation seriously." Adora said with a dumb grin. She was just happy to see Catra happy. "It was basically free entertainment."

Catra shook her head in disbelief. "It's like they were trying to give themselves PTSD. Idiots."

"It didn't really work out for them, no." Adora was literally just remembering what was on the plaque. If Catra liked it though, then that was that. "It was ridiculous a stalemate until more troops arrived. The army embarrassed itself by almost losing to rednecks, so once reinforcements came and the rebels retreated, the army spread out through the trees and all the way over the ridgeline. I bet that sent everyone running. It wasn’t exactly the usual empire building story. But uh- _fun,_ but it was pretty funny.”

She let her hand fall back down to Catra’s side and waited for a reaction. She waited so long she actually held her breath. 

“Well… At least now I know you can read plaques.”

The exhale was of disappointment. Because darn, Catra caught that after all. 

“I tried.” Adora sighed again. 

"I know you did. I'm teasing you. You know... If you lectured without all the awkwardness, I think I'd actually pay attention." 

What a compliment. 

"Wow, thanks.”

"I'm serious, Adora." Catra turned around so that she was leaning back on the fence and facing Adora instead of the field. Oh…! She was smiling! "I get you usually don't like it, but there's a good professor in you somewhere. You realize you almost made me care about sidewalks today? Sidewalks. You're stupidly passionate when you chill out."

Adora's breath caught in her throat. That was insanely sweet, even for Catra. But of course Catra would continue to surprise her. 

"Yeah, but…" She shrugged. "That's because it's you. I'm happy with you and like, you're biased." 

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I see it in you sometimes. I'm just telling you that it's there."

_Perhaps all hope wasn't lost._

Those words sent a very warm sensation down Adora's spine. "It- uh, you know stuff like this was my favorite. Maybe that's why."

"What do you mean?"

"What I'm trying to say is- well… One of the only things I really loved was when I got to travel abroad and see some Etherian ruins. I like seeing stuff in person. Being where the action was. That's why I get so excited." 

"Huh." Catra tilted her head. "Maybe someday we can check a better battlefield out."

"... You mean together?"

"Yeah, dummy. I mean together."

It was finally dark enough that fireflies began emerging from the field behind Catra, silently hovering with yellow lights fading in and out of existence. Like little stars showering newfound beauty onto the landscape - but only ever for a moment. For each time their lights vanished. Catra remained. 

Adora hesitantly leaned forwards - a half inch, then another. "Can… Can I kiss you?"

“What do you think, genius?”

Adora closed her eyes. People must’ve seen. Cars passed. And yet all Adora could feel was Catra. All she could taste was Catra. Everything else melted into a haze of nothingness. She wanted to savor the moment. But moments were just that, moments. When Catra pulled away, and it was Catra who ended the kiss, Adora was far more breathless than in the dressing room.

“Wow… I…”

_She was in deep._

“Come on,” Catra whispered. “It’s time to go.”

She was right. The coming night meant it was time to leave. They walked hand in hand all the way back to the car. Never mind the sweat. Never mind the silence. 

The last dredges of daylight gave way to total darkness by the time Adora made it back onto the highway. Less hyper, more happy, she didn't need instructions to make it home. That was good because Catra dozed in and out on the latter half of the drive. Adora thought it was very sweet, really. She kept glancing over. Each time she did, Catra seemed to sink just a little lower in the seat. 

Only once they were off the highway and at a four way stop did Adora reach over and gingerly touch Catra’s shoulder. "Hey, I’m really sorry for waking you, but should I be heading to the same spot I picked you up?" 

"Hmm…?" Catra looked up. 

"When we get back, where do you want me to drop you off?"

"Ah… That… Don't."

"Don't?"

Catra kept her voice low, although she was very much so awake. "Don't drop me off."

Adora’s heart skipped a beat. 

She determinedly turned her attention to the road, trying to will the remainder of the drive to the house to go by fast. 

Then, she merely tried to hold it together. To pay attention. 

… To keep focused as Catra’s hand crossed the center console and began snaking across Adora’s thigh.

\---

That was their evening. Their night. 

And yet while Adora may have been blessed for once, she was not immune to the effects of habits. 

Like it or not, Catra had conditioned Adora. 

The following morning, Adora stirred into something uncomfortable. It was a vague emotion - to her mind, nearly untraceable. It was not quite the soft or loving awakening you'd expect after a date like that. Because for each time Catra had been afraid of Adora leaving, she had pushed Adora away. It must've trained Adora to feel the same in return, as when she woke up, for the briefest of seconds, she feared Catra might not be there. That fear kept her eyes shut. 

Adora reached out and discovered that Catra had not left in the dead of night. Once she opened her eyes, she even found Catra _waiting._ Hair ruffled. Softly staring at Adora. The momentary anxiety was swiftly replaced with the happiness that should've been there in the first place. Adora let herself relax into it, tired, content, and thankful. She slid her hand down from where it had fallen on Catra's stomach, stopping just above slipping between her thighs. 

_This was what that first night should've culminated in. This kind of morning._

Catra tensed, not quite giving up a gasp. 

Adora nuzzled close to her neck. "Do you want…" Then murmured against Catra's skin. "... This…?"

She flexed her fingers, though rather sluggishly. 

"... Are you offering?"

"Mhmmm…" 

"How can I say no?"

She was very sleepy, but saw no reason for that to get in the way. She began planting drowsy kisses on the side of Catra's throat. Catra was just the right amount of salty. Just the right amount of sweet. Just the right amount of there.

Adora's hand finally made its way down. Catra willingly spread her thighs. She was even just the right amount of warm. It was all so much. As soon as Adora really got started, everything seemed to fade into a limp, echoey nothing. 

_"Adora...? Are you- are you seriously... Wow."_ There was an amused groan. 

She barely registered when Catra pulled her hand back up to her stomach. She barely registered that Catra kept a firm hold of it.

But she did register both actions. 

Barely.

_"You're such an idiot."_

Despite the insult, Catra wrapped her other arm around Adora and held their bodies close together. It was comforting in all the best ways. As Adora slipped in and out of sleep, she heard Catra whispering things to her. Adora only caught broken fragments. There was some story about her childhood. An apology for something. A few words about drooling. Probably just Catra. Then finally, a hazy something about love. 

It jumbled together in such a way that Adora couldn't have pieced together what went where if she tried. Part of her wished she could rouse herself enough to parse out what was happening, but the rest of her was content to let the morning pass by in that lightest stage of sleep. After all, the world could wait another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaat?
> 
> What's this? Another happy ending? 
> 
> … Now why would I ever do that?


	8. Unit 8: Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao issue on ao3's end with uploading - sorry for double alert. Not my mistake this time and it shan't happen again. HERE WE GO

… Or maybe the world couldn't wait another day. Maybe it could only wait another couple of hours. 

A cool breeze flowed in from the window, its chill easing Adora back into consciousness. There was distant chatter of neighbors walking by. A lawnmower. Dogs barking. There was also Catra, smelling as intoxicating as ever. Feeling as warm as ever. Indeed, Adora was just barely reawakening, utterly peacefully this time, when rapid fire hammering from the front door forced her eyes open and her body up. Catra had jumped too, and though she had already been awake, somehow she looked more fearful than Adora. 

Adora quickly cupped her cheek, searching her eyes for its source. "Hey, hey. You okay???"

"Yeah- I, sorry," Catra quickly shook her head free of it. "I just don't like the sound. What the hell's going on?"

What the hell was going on, anyways? 

Adora racked her brains for the answer. The answer came with another succession of heavy beats. They sent a very unpleasant zip down her spine. 

"Oh… Oh no..." Adora groaned. She lightly thumbed over Catra's skin, although honestly it was more for her own comfort by then. "I think it's Glimmer. I… I need to talk to her."

 _"What…!?_ She stops by and nearly breaks down your door, but you need to talk to her!?" 

"I said I’d call her and… I may have forgotten to, so… Yeah."

Catra stared at Adora like she was insane. Good theory, but no. One disgruntled sigh later and Catra had given in. 

"Okay, fine. Then let's get up and-"

"No…! I mean, no. I think…" Adora started, finally pulling her hand away and sliding out of bed. "I think I should talk to her without you there."

"... Why?"

"I don't think this is about you. Not for her. It's about me, and I don't want her hating you anymore than she already does." 

Seemingly satisfied with that answer, Catra relaxed about as the given circumstances allowed. "Alright. Do your thing, I guess. And don't forget clothes."

Clothes. Yes. Those things. 

Adora definitely would've forgotten clothes. Good thing Catra was there to remind her to put them on. Well, she had been the reason they were off, but that wasn't the point. The fact was that for whatever problems Catra might cause, she was also there to provide a solution. For example, _clothes._

Adora crossed the room to her dresser and flung it open, hoping she'd remembered to lock the door last night, otherwise Glimmer's minute pool of patience would run dry faster. 

She pulled on the first articles she found, which ended up being a loose tee and a blazing red pair of running shorts. "I'll be back ASAP, okay? Don't uh… Go anywhere."

"I could say the same to you."

"Not unless she kidnaps me."

Catra did not seem to find the joke very funny. She looked nervous, but Adora could handle it. 

She pretty much had to. 

Twenty seconds later and Adora opened the front door. The first issue at hand was that shorts had been a poor decision for the weather. _Stupid seasons._ The second issue, however, was quite a bit more pressing. 

"Why haven't you called me?" Glimmer's arms were already crossed. She was fuming, for sure. 

It had been a good call having Catra stay. 

_Although, Adora hoped she didn't climb out a window or something. Poof!_

"I'm sorry," Adora smiled rather sheepishly. "I got busy and forgot. You're right though, I really should've-"

"And what is on your neck?"

"Huh?" Her hand flew up, a short press _there_ and-... 

Oh. Right. Great. That would certainly set things off splendidly. 

"So, I guess you two made up."

And Bow had finally cracked. Adora wasn't even mad, but no wonder he hadn't gotten in touch. He was probably embarrassed. There was another thing to add onto the list of things to deal with. 

"We did." Adora said, smile fading into the hopeless depths of Glimmer's furious stare.

She wasn't sure what else there was to say. All she could do was wait. Wait for Glimmer to calm her breathing. This transformation from _dating Catra is a very bad idea_ to total hatred of Catra was concerning, to say the least.

"Can I ask something?"

Could Adora stop her?

"Go ahead."

"What has she got to offer you?" Glimmer shifted her weight to one foot, eyes narrowed. "And honestly, what have you got to offer her?"

Adora did not like the sound of that. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

Not one bit. 

"I'm just trying to understand." 

She didn't like that either, because it didn't sound like Glimmer was trying to understand anything at all. 

"Does caring about each other not matter to you?" Adora asked tentatively. 

"I don't think that's what it is. I kind of get how it started, but why the hell is it still happening? It seems like you're throwing away our friendship for some college girl who'll leave you the moment she finds something better." 

There. That. That was the thing Adora realized Glimmer had been hinting since the beginning - literally the very beginning of this mess. It went deeper than simply leaving; _it went deeper than just Catra,_ and defensive as she was over Catra, the personal attack made Adora genuinely angry. 

"Are you seriously saying I'm not enough?"

And Glimmer quickly realized her mistake. "Hey, I just meant that you're settled. She's still figuring things out and people like that aren't looking for-"

"I can't believe you." Adora pinched the bridge of her nose. "You don't get it, do you?"

"You're enough, okay? Forget I said that, but she's not going to stay. Then you'll get upset. And I… Don't think I can handle seeing that."

Adora suddenly became acutely aware of how this conversation could carry through the house, so she stepped outside and shut the door behind her. She wasn't going to risk Catra hearing anything else preemptively. Not after what was essentially a first date. 

"Glimmer, look. I know what you're trying to do, but it's not happening. This isn't your choice to make."

"I don't understand what makes her different. Get a dating app! You could- God, you could find literally anyone else, Adora." 

"I don't want anyone else. I-... I _love_ her, okay...!?" The confession had slipped out, which made it all the more terrifying. 

It was louder than she had expected, too. Exasperated, exhausted, and still with that tinge of anger. But it was right. There was no reason to take back what was right. 

Adora loved Catra. That was true even if Glimmer's expression fell even further into darkness. It was true even if Adora's confession had, regrettably, not eased tensions in the slightest. "You love her? Oh my God, do you hear yourself right now?"

"I do." Adora said with more finality, because if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that. "Okay? So-"

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?" 

Adora couldn't believe it. What, she wouldn't take Glimmer's advice so now she was a target for ridicule? Fine then!

"I don't care! Call me ridiculous. That doesn't change that I'm not going to let what you think is right mess things up again." She took a step forward; Glimmer took a step back. "Because last time I listened to you, I nearly lost her. Look, you have Bow. You guys are happy and cute and you have it down, but that doesn't mean you get to take Catra away. It hurts my feelings a lot when you try to pressure me. Why else do you think I didn't call? Honestly, I don't think I wanted to!"

As a rush of guilt overcame Adora, it became clear that her outburst had managed to break through… Something. Maybe.

"I… I don't do that."

"I'm sorry, but you do." 

A few tense seconds passed. A few tense seconds of Glimmer's heavy breathing. Of shaking fists. 

"... I want my friend back, Adora." And then her voice finally broke down almost completely. "You're pushing me away. And I- I'm upset at you."

Just that was enough to erase almost all the anger Adora felt. She pulled Glimmer into the kind of hug they used to share. As impossible as removing Glimmer's pain probably was, that was no reason not to try. 

"I'm really, _really_ sorry…" 

"You're never around." There weren't any tears, but Glimmer sounded close. "What happened to you? What happened to us?"

"I don't know, but I'll be better about keeping in touch." Adora whispered, stroking the back of her head. 

"I don't want _better._ You used to be my best friend." Glimmer buried her face deeper. 

"I'm still your best friend."

"Really? Because… Because you don't tell me anything anymore..."

Adora ceased her comforts, a sting rising in her chest. "... You wouldn't like what I have to say." 

"God, Adora. Please, please leave her. It feels like I'm losing you."

"I'm sorry," at that, she ended the hug. Though her hands momentarily lingered on Glimmer's shoulders, the distance was back. "But you can't make me choose between you two. You need to get along. She's willing to be nice to you."

They both swayed slightly, observing each other strangely like strangers. Any semblance of tenderness that their prior hug had managed to foster had completely disappeared by then. 

"Nice…" Glimmer eventually laughed, wiping her eyes before anything could come. "Hah…" 

Except they weren't strangers. 

"I'm serious. She promised and everything. She promised the day you guys met." 

They were supposed to be friends. 

"I'm never going to like her. You know, I do love you," and Glimmer crossed her arms again, looking almost exactly the same as when Adora first opened the door. "I can't stand to see you with someone who's just going to hurt you."

"And I love you too, but I can't stand to leave her. I guess we're at a stalemate." 

"... I guess so."

"Mm…"

… What an uncomfortable reality. 

"What's it going to take to get you back, Adora?"

"Accepting that I genuinely love her would be a start." Adora offered a smile.

A smile that went unreturned. "... Hmph…”

“Glimmer…”

“I don't want to come in, do I?" 

Adora thought back to simpler times, such as when she first saved up enough to buy the place. Bow and Glimmer had helped her choose furniture. They'd been there for the whole move in process. After that, they'd pop in pretty much whenever. No questions asked.

Not like what was currently happening. 

"No," she said very quietly. "You really don't." 

"... Fine. This didn't go the way I wanted it to. But fine. I'll see you later," Glimmer turned to walk back towards her car. "If you even want to talk."

"I do…! I do. I…” _Did she really, though?_ “Alright. Goodbye, I guess…"

Adora watched her former best friend drive away, unsure who had demoted who. Why couldn't Glimmer understand that all it took to fix things was being nice? No, forget nice. Polite. It was so simple. They'd hardly have to see each other. Really. Once Glimmer was out of sight, Adora headed back inside with a heavy sigh. 

_Was she really going to lose one of her friends over a girl? Maybe she already had… Seriously, what else did Glimmer think? It was quite upsetting._

She could try to talk to Bow about it. Although, maybe that would be more of an effort to keep him as a friend. It wasn't like he was going to be able to convince Glimmer of anything. Adora hated to think of Glimmer as a lost cause, but she wasn't sure what to make of what just happened.

"It go that badly?" Catra asked, emerging from the bedroom. She had dressed. Frankly, she looked a little shell shocked. 

She hadn't left, and while that was good...

"Yeah…" Adora really should've gone out and closed the door from the beginning. Surely snippets of the start had made it to Catra's ears. Ugh, the fighting. "How much did you hear?"

"Bits and pieces. Anything... Important I should know?" 

"I… Uh…" No, not that. That had been the whole reason she'd shut the door. Adora made a quick decision not to scare Catra off with a premature confession. "I really thought I had a chance near the end there, I guess. She got softer. But she was also… Mean. So." Adora smiled very weakly and made her way over to Catra.

"Well," Catra hesitated before reaching to take both of Adora's hands. "I don't think I'm supposed to tell you what to do about that. Bad etiquette and all that." 

"You're right about that." 

And yet...

 _"I think she's a bitch,"_ Catra muttered under her breath. "I didn't say that though."

Oh yes, that was highly inappropriate. Adora felt bad for thinking it was even a little funny. At least she found it funny in the not really funny way. More the ow way. At least it voiced what Adora didn't want to face. 

"And I didn't hear anything, but only just this once." She pressed her forehead against Catra's and closed her eyes, suddenly a thousand times more grateful for her continued presence. 

Her heart still ached when it came to Glimmer.

"I'll try to keep the rest of it in my head then."

Adora felt her throat run dry as the last bits of amusement faded. "Catra…?"

"Hm?"

"Do you… Think I'm enough?" 

"Shit. You're really going to ask me that?" 

"You're right. You're right, sorry."

"Adora," Catra began firmly. "If your dumbass self really needs to hear it from me, then yes. You're enough. You should probably start believing it yourself, though." 

Relief. Overwhelming relief. That exact reassurance was very possibly the only thing in the world that could’ve filled Adora with warmth again.

"Thank you," Adora whispered, although a mere thanks hardly felt like enough. It only scratched the surface. "And you're right, but that means a lot to me. I… That mess outside wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my morning, but I'm glad you're here. It was so sweet just laying there with you talking to me."

That prised the absolute _tiniest_ gasp from Catra's lips. She pulled her face away a few inches, eyes just a little wider than they normally were. 

"You uh," and she cleared her throat. Her grip on Adora's hands tightened. "You were awake for that?"

"Sort of. It was nice."

Adora felt a lot better reliving that part of the day. She wanted to pull Catra close again. It didn't matter where, not at all. All that mattered were the hushed whispers and burying herself in warmth.

"What'd you hear?"

 _"Bits and pieces,"_ Adora replied a little teasingly, shifting mental gears into trying to recall literally anything of substance from just a few hours prior. Again, that was way better than Glimmer. "Were you drooling?"

"Nope. That was you and it was disgusting. That it?"

"Wow..." She laughed weakly. That was a little embarrassing, but oh well. "Huh, well. The rest of it is really vague. Was it important?"

For not more than half a second, it seemed like Catra was trying to get something out. It was a little strained. Whatever it was though, it didn't come. She must've let it go. Her face actually relaxed into a smile as she finally allowed Adora's hands to fall away. What a strange transition. "Nope. It was more important that you were there, don't worry about it. I just liked being with you." 

Today was not the day to push that. Today was the day after the best date of Adora's life. 

"I really liked it. Can we go back?"

"Honestly, I don't think so. I have to get going at some point soon. I didn't exactly tell anyone I'd be gone for the night. I can text, but with my history of Friday nights, it's probably better I show them all that I'm not dead. Also, I've got homework."

Adora knew she couldn't hide her disappointment. "... You're absolutely sure you don't want to stay?"

"No," Catra teased lightly, possibly sensing the shift. "But you know that I'm going to see you Tuesday, right?"

_No, huh?_

"Ugh… That's so far away." Adora groaned. 

She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts either. 

"We can text."

"Fine, fine. Do you want me to drive you?"

"Yeah, good idea." 

"Really?" Adora didn't know why she'd expected a no, but the yes was exhilarating.

"Yes, idiot." Catra captured her in an entirely unexpected kiss. Adora thought she'd fall over from shock, although she managed to keep herself upright. 

It wasn't quite tender. Catra didn't often do tender unless they were having sex, but it was tantalizingly sweet. Sweet and long. Far longer than at the battlefield. The longer it went on, the more Catra teased, biting Adora's bottom lip to force a few small moans. Eventually though, air became necessary. 

"Where'd that come from?" Adora asked. She was breathless. Her stomach was full of butterflies and her heart had turned into a balloon.

"Felt like it." Catra just shrugged. 

"Okay, right. Um. Let me uh, put on something other than shorts before we go! Because cold! And stuff!"

_What peak eloquence._

Adora jogged back to the bedroom, determined to return as quickly as physically possible. Upon entering, she was faced with another wave of chill, so she went to the window and forced it shut. The heat that had lasted so long really was going away. She was not about to come back home to a freezer, no thanks. 

Adora pulled off her shirt and shorts, quickly finding underwear to put on first this time. Which reminded her…

She tugged open one of her lesser used drawers and retrieved Catra's long since discarded bra. Carefully folded, of course. She'd almost forgotten about it. It had been a while and it wasn't like she could bring it to class. 

After that came her own clothes. A long sleeve and fuzzy sweatpants did fine. She hurried back to Catra at lightning speed.

"Adora? Oh-" 

And hurried her into another kiss. Wet, messy, full of electric heat. It was Catra's turn to nearly fall over, but Adora caught her. They lasted until the stolen breaths between tongue were not enough. Until both their lungs had to have ached. 

Adora pulled away first, yet kept her face only a few inches away. "I don't want you to go."

"Yeah," Catra chuckled. "I'm getting that… Also, what uh, what are you holding?"

"Your bra. You left it that first night." 

"... Riiight, of course. My bra. Thanks so much for… Keeping it after all this time. I'm sure you didn't do anything questionable to it."

"I washed it for you.", Adora was still holding Catra with one hand. "You can have it back, but stay fifteen more minutes?" The plea was hardly more than a whisper. "Fifteen minutes won't make a difference to your friends." 

_"Really?_ You washed it? Okay, I'll stay five," Catra plucked her bra from Adora's other hand. "On the condition that I now have access to free laundry."

"Whenever you want. Ten?"

"Seven." 

Adora considered the offer for just a moment. "... Hm, yeah. Okay."

"Yeah?" Catra raised an amused eyebrow.

"Deal."

Adora was happy with that. It was beyond a mere distraction. 

"Hey hey hey, wait a second. You are _not_ picking me up. You're not-" 

After all, she was in love. 

\---

The time Adora spent physically away from Catra had not been easy. It had, however, been surprisingly manageable through an absolutely insane amount of texting. Their conversations especially helped her to keep her mind off Glimmer. Out of sight and out of mind didn’t exactly fit when it came to that mess, because Adora _was_ worried, but she was also still upset. So, Adora decided to let herself focus on Catra for the time being… And when she focused on Catra, things felt wonderfully different.

Things were different all around, really. 

With steadily cooler weather came the last third of the class. Adora was not a bad person, really. Most professors lined up all their major projects around this time. Adora had hated it when she was in school and she still hated seeing the effect it had on students. One of the few things she'd purposefully done was space things out at about this point. A quiz, a small paper, and the final exam. The remaining units (also the easiest units) would be more heavily weighted on the final. That's all that was left - and honestly, it made it easier on just about everyone. Because of how she'd designed it all, the day should've been pretty relaxed. That wasn’t mentioning that Adora got to see Catra again. She got to see Catra happy again. 

(1:32 p.m.)

_**Catra:** couldnt you have picked a better documentary?_

Actually, was that happy? As great as talking was, Adora still didn't quite have a handle on Catra's texting style about half the time, especially when she got like that. A quick glance up said _yes,_ but deviously so. Biting her lip evilly. That kind of happy. Adora positioned herself as close to out of sight as possible before turning her brightness alllllll the way down. 

(1:32 p.m.)

_**Adora:** You shouldn't be texting in class. _

That was a weak warning. They both knew it. Because… Well...

(1:32 p.m.)

_**Catra:** hahaha _

_**Catra:** neither should you _

_**Catra:** dipshit _

Adora was going to reply anyways. 

(1:33 p.m.)

_**Catra:** seriously tho why did you subject us to this _

_**Catra:** and whys there a stupid ass unit on love _

_**Adora:** Love and courtship doesn't disappear just because you find it icky._

_**Adora:** Anyways, I chose it because it does an excellent job explaining the importance of Etherian poets and their influence on modern day romance writers._

Also, Adora did not want to talk about poets. Would you want to talk about poets? No. _Why were the curtains blue?_ Maybe because the author liked blue. How about red? _Communism? Orientalism?_ Who actually understood all that in terms of poetry? Poetry was a weak point for Adora. Not talking about it was her way of getting around having to discuss it. 

(1:33 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Oh and because it has a quote I like to use on tests. _

Wait. She shouldn't have said that. Why did she say that? Now Adora had to tell the whole class that… That or not use the quote. It was the only thing she ever asked about poetry and now she was going to have to come up with something original. Crap. 

(1:33 p.m.) 

_**Catra:** can you try to be more entertaining than that _

_**Adora:** Okay, non class related. _

_**Adora:** What are you doing for dinner? _

_**Catra:** would love to see some more effort on your part once this is done _

_**Adora:** I'm asking you out. Isn't that effort? :( _

_**Catra:** no idiot i mean in class. entertaining right now _

_**Catra:** youre not getting out of this _

_**Adora:** Could you phrase that in "nice Catra" terms? _

_**Catra:** confidence, princess _

_**Catra:** youve got it in you _

Oh. When Catra had said Adora could be a better professor (and when Adora had cautiously agreed), she didn't imagine it like this. It was more of a broad… In a few years, maybe. After some more experience. Maybe after she got to teach a range of upper level classes. Not literally a few days later. Adora glanced up. 

Catra stared right back. 

Expectant as ever. 

Oh, how contact burned. 

The reply took an extra minute. 

(1:35 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Don't get too excited._

_**Catra:** oh im excited. you need to channel some of that weird sidewalk shit, thanks_

_**Catra:** or like idk, no dinner?_

_**Catra:** yeah no dinner for a week_

Catra wouldn't.

No, no. Catra definitely would…

Maybe it was just a playful threat…? 

Adora could hope. She put her phone away, then looked up at Catra once more. She was intently watching the end of the documentary. It was like she'd been paying attention the whole time. 

Confident, huh. It's not like Adora couldn't get up and talk. Doing it like Catra wanted though, well that... That felt loaded. Doing it for Catra? Maybe that perspective shift would make it easier.

Maybe.

The documentary ended way quicker than Adora remembered. How terrifying. Still, if Adora wanted dinner, she was going to have to step up her game. She allowed herself five seconds to imagine being back at the battlefield. Alone with Catra and pointing out the second stupidest battle in history just because she wanted to be sweet. 

She honed in on Catra. 

No verbal fillers. Okay, maybe a couple. Still, she had to be a little more professional this time. She had to put her words together with a little more intention. She could do that, right?

Only Catra really mattered. 

"Alright, everyone! Moving on from that, we're going to dive in more directly into the meat of the unit. Love itself. Possibly the most ridiculous and funny tradition in Etherian culture was the way they went about courtship." 

_Only Catra would be listening, so it was okay._

"For all the advancements that the culture brought about, courtship remained largely, uh," damn it, already? "Unchanged until the society fell apart. Most historians don't really discuss it, partially because the Etherians themselves didn't think of it as odd, but the process was way different from anything you'd expect." 

_And Catra was listening. Same as she had when the ramble was about sidewalks._

Adora did her best to keep her tone strong and stable. 

"Engagement- and marriage, actually, was linked to two individuals swapping items of importance, usually clothing. It was taken as seriously as the religious parts of society."

 _Catra cared, even if no one else did._

And Adora thought about all the times she'd stayed up stupidly late, reading stories of mistaken relationships to Bow and Glimmer. They had thought it was interesting too… 

"If you can imagine what a tradition like that was like…" Despite the current tension, those memories were still good. They made Adora smile. "Then you can probably guess that it caused a lot of problems." 

_Not just Catra. Not just Bow. Not just Glimmer._

Everyone was watching. Everyone was listening. 

"So, yeah. _Uhhhengagements_ were the main issue." Adora shut her eyes for a second, quickly reversing her memory back to the battlefield. She had to keep centered. "Miscommunications regarding engagements were especially common, mostly at the peak spread of the culture. We think the tradition began when Etherians lived in communities of about 50-100, so it was definitely outdated by the time larger settlements developed."

And taking notes...

"On a more positive note, Etherians were some of the only people accepting of homosexuality. There wasn't even a word for homosexual relationships in their language. The whole tradition of swapping items of importance extended to everyone. So if you visited, you couldn't avoid courtship by ignoring the opposite sex, you'd also need to be careful you didn't _accidentally_ get gay engaged-" There was laughter. Actual laughter. Adora smiled, though it caused a bit of a stumble. "Uh- yes, that was an unfortunate issue for less aware travelers. At any rate, if you didn't accidentally commit yourself to your friend just by swapping shirts during your visit, it was pretty easy to settle down."

A hand. Adora had already semi braced herself for it. "How'd that work? Like, what, if I gave my shirt to my friend and gave me his, then we'd be together?"

"Honestly, the Etherians weren't always sure either. Unlike our society, it also mattered how other people perceived the exchange. I don't think there'd be an issue most of the time… But if you were very physically close and then did that, you might get misunderstood."

"That's so confusing." 

There were some nods of agreement. Adora couldn't blame them. 

"I agree! The good news is that they did come up with a way to document married couples, but before a couple got officially recognized - _thankfully with a real ceremony,_ it was pretty difficult to tell when people were together versus when people were just really close friends."

And another question. "What was the ceremony like?"

Adora really should've found some pictures to go along with questions like that. She noted it for next semester. "There have obviously been a lot of variations on weddings, but Etherian tradition tended to follow the same trend as others which included what were essentially vows. There was a feast, and then by the time the First Ones arrived, they added wedding bands in an effort to standardize the item of exchange, but that didn't really catch on before everything fell apart." 

Then way in the back. Some young man.

"Yes?"

"Are you married, Professor?"

And there was even more laughter. This time at the poor guy making a fool of himself, not that he seemed to notice. 

Adora laughed along too, although she was fairly embarrassed. "Okay, and how is that related to class?" 

"Just curious!" 

"Uh huh." Nope, she wasn't going to dignify that with an answer. She turned her attention to the room at large. "Any other questions?"

"Yep," it was Catra. She had just finished turning back around, apparently she'd been glaring at the man who had spoken. Adora couldn't actually remember if Catra had bothered to ask anything before, but hearing her now made her heart skip a beat. "I got one way better than that."

"Go ahead."

"So, just assuming that not everyone got married before going off to war, how'd the military deal with death notifications if information about official engagements was so stupidly convoluted? Word of mouth?" 

Adora's heart swelled. 

"Now _that_ is an excellent question. Death notifications were certainly an issue. Not to go too far back into what we've already covered regarding the military," of course it had been military. "but I think we can take a minute to cover how insanely complex and thorough the Etherian drafting process became whenever couples were involved."

The room settled down at that point. 

There were some questions here and there.

No one else asked anything invasive. 

But what really mattered was that Adora kept almost everyone's attention for the whole rest of class. 

And okay.

Just- 

Okay.

It. 

Felt.

Amazing. 

It was practically a drug. She was drunk on it by the end. Warm, fuzzy, yet entirely too jittery. People had listened. They'd taken notes. Hardly anyone was on their phone the entire time. God, it was bliss. Was this why people liked to teach? At the end of class, a couple students even came up to ask to talk more during office hours. It wasn't like that was totally unheard of, but multiple was new! Multiple! At the same time! 

Once they left, Adora overheard Catra telling Scorpia to go on ahead to whatever her next class was. Catra waited for everyone else to leave before slowly descending to the front. Just like old times. Adora couldn't have been more pleased. 

"Look at what I've done. I've got competition," Catra looked quite pleased with herself too, actually. "But hey, now everyone knows you're interesting. Even that weird ass tradition is actually pretty cool when you talk about it."

Adora struggled not to simply bound over to Catra. They met right at the first row of seats, stopping just short of each other. "You really think so??? I can't even- I just- thank you so much."

"I really think so, yeah. Also, was the idea of not having dinner really that scary? Maybe I should threaten you more often." 

"Well, no. Sort of…? I… I guess I thought of you!"

"You're a dumbass." Catra shook her head. 

"Hey! And I had faith in myself after a little bit!" Adora added quickly. 

Catra just laughed, her gaze quickly passing up and down Adora's body. 

"You're a shit liar," she said. "If you really were thinking of me," and then she came a little closer. "Then we're lucky you didn't get flustered up there."

"Hah, nope. That only happens when you try to get a reaction out of me."

"Oh really?"

Real smooth.

"Oh… Yeah…"

And there it was. With Adora's guiding hands on Catra's hips. With entirely not at all quiet moans. And with Catra absently backing up until her heels hit the first step leading into the rows. For a second, it was the best thing in the whole freaking world. 

Then they fell. 

Adora flung out a hand to catch them both. It didn't really work, but hey. The effort was there and no limbs were badly hurt. That was a pretty good result for falling on stairs. 

"You know," Catra groaned, lifting her head to meet Adora's gaze. "I’ve probably said it before, but you have zero self control."

"Uh… Maybe not, heh."

Then, she rolled Adora off her. "You're the one who wouldn't let us fuck in the office. Just a friendly reminder." 

"I got a little excited," Adora bit back a smile, quite glad no one had come in. She really needed to stop pushing their luck. Catra did have a point though, the thrill was… Well, it was something. "Oops." 

They both stood up, being sure to give each other a solid three feet of clearance this time around. No more accidentally on purpose kissing! That would be bad. And dangerous. _So dangerous._ What if they fell again? Someone could get hurt.

"Listen," Catra checked herself to make sure she still had everything. "I have what's probably a four hour long lab report due in three hours. So, I'm going to go _deal_ with that, and then I'll meet you at 6."

Adora tilted her head. "Huh?" 

"You want dinner, right?"

"Oh!!! Yes! I forgot! With the uh, the whole- uh… Yeah! Dinner is awesome." 

_The day was just getting better and better._

"I'll order and we can find a shady parking lot to awkwardly eat at. I'll see you?" Catra started towards the exit. 

Also, did that mean they were a thing…? Like, a _thing_ thing. Not just a thing. 

"At 6, mhm! Don't miss me too much!"

"Sure thing," Catra opened one of the double doors. Her overall demeanor shifted, as did her tone. Both saw affection drop. "Bye, Professor."

_But not completely. She couldn't quite get rid of it, could she?_

"Bye, Catra! I-... Uh... Good luck!"

Catra looked back before the door shut. There was another flash of her smile, as well something _else_ behind it. Both were bright as day before she finally disappeared.

For once, Adora didn't feel like Catra had left. Her racing pulse told her she wasn't really alone. Not anymore. She returned to the front of the room to collect her things, buzzing with complete happiness. No, she hadn't gotten official confirmation, and yet she couldn't resist the feeling that she'd really made it. 

And that? Well that just about outweighed everything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm chatty today hello 
> 
> So fun fact, I have a very mild case of synesthesia(?) and whenever I read or write something I perceive as romantically sweet, my mouth literally fills with the taste of maple syrup. It's like I’m being converted into a Canadian against my will. I powered through maple syrup mouth to deliver you this. I powered through maple syrup mouth because PLOT.
> 
> Anyways, keep on holding your breath. Don't suffocate though. I don't want you all to die.
> 
> Also note that while I heavily adapted it to this context, I based my interpretation of courtship on strangerhunger's "keep on walking, come what will" - that being the swap signaled marriage or intent to marry.


	9. I See, You Saw

For the first time in recorded history, Adora had learned a few things about Catra that she genuinely could've gone without. 

The first thing she'd just discovered was that _yes,_ Catra really did like Scorpia. After she'd skipped out on her on test day, Adora hadn't been so sure - but they had that click you often see with friends. They had inside jokes, and Catra even tolerated a certain level of physical contact from her friend. The second and perhaps most important thing Adora had learned, however, was that Catra did not _always_ like Scorpia.

Adora was trying to be a bit more generous with her own judgement. After all, Scorpia was very nice. Scorpia had helped her. Except Scorpia also, well...

"Ahhh… Ya know, I probably shouldn't say this, but I really don't like the big review sections! I bet this'll be a lot better. Thanks so much, Professor."

Adora had already regressed into her terrible pen clicking habit. Catra's eye twitched each time she did it. Adora tried to stop. Really, she did. 

"Right. Uh, well I'm glad you joined us. It's really… Interesting when there's more people to talk to."

But it just kept starting over and over again. 

"Isn't it!?"

"Yeah," Catra turned her attention from her friend to Adora, looking as unamused as could be. "Isn't it, Professor?" 

Oh come on. This was Catra's fault. 

"Yes. It's so interesting you brought her, Catra." Adora gave Catra simply the most winning smile. "Thank you." 

Maybe that was a little unfair though, because Catra definitely hadn't intended for this to happen. Scorpia had undoubtedly just forcibly tagged along when she saw Catra leaving the dorm. Still... 

"So!" Scorpia started, brimming with excitement. "What are we reviewing!?"

If it wasn't already evident, Adora had not prepared any actual review. This was not supposed to be a review. This was supposed to be a tactical strike to accomplish two equally important things: asking a question regarding the weekend, and then the obvious. Sure, sure. Adora had technically renewed her commitment to keeping everything on the down low, but this was on the down low! Everyone else in the department either had class or had decided to go to lunch in a big group. The wing was almost deserted. It wasn't often such a miracle happened, which meant Catra got a super suggestive text. 

It was supposed to be fun, you know, that thing Adora definitely was now. It was supposed to be spontaneous. It was supposed to be new and _hot and assertive._

_"Are you going to tell me what you need?" Adora would ask, voice husky to the point Catra would shudder._

_She'd have Catra bent over the desk, taking everything so beautifully. Coating Adora's fingers with irresistible slick._

_Adora would confess how much she loved Catra. How she'd take care of her, and as she thrust deeper, how she would always take care of her._

Okay, so maybe that was just a sexually frustrated fantasy that had sprouted up since Adora had gained more confidence. In reality, it was likely that Catra would've been more difficult than that. And yeah, maybe it would've been Adora bent over the table... That didn't matter though, because Catra had arrived with Scorpia. The moment they walked through the door was the moment Adora died. She had buttoned up her shirt like any normal person would do - totally resigned to her fate. She'd even retrieved an extra chair for Scorpia - dragged it into the office and everything.

_Sigh._

Wait. They were both waiting for her to say something. How long-

"Uhh…! Yeah," Adora pulled up one of her lecture outlines, hoping it would help. It didn't. She hadn't written the final yet. "Well… Catra told me she had some specific questions," and she cringed internally. "So after she does that, maybe you can ask whatever comes to mind too?"

"I said that, did I?" Catra cocked her head just a little too far.

"Mmm, yeah. Pretty sure you did."

"Huh. I don't remember." There was that smirk. "So sorry, Professor. It'd be great if you could lead us." 

"Right…" Adora sighed. 

"I had a question about the poetry section!" Scorpia chimed in. "I mean, I don't really get poetry. Which is why I wanted to ask. So when-"

"Actually, I'm probably not putting poetry on the final." She didn't mean it to come out like that. It helped that it was true, but it was still too abrupt. "So, don't worry too much about it. You're uh… You'll be fine. You're a good student."

There, much better. 

"No? Oh that's great. Thank you so much. I didn't know what I was going to do." Scorpia laughed, thankfully not taking any offense. 

Adora didn't know whether to hope for the questions to end or to keep going. She didn't want to sit in silence, but she definitely didn't want to cover class material. 

_She just had to grin and bear it. Just. Grin. And. Bear. It._

Catra shot her a knowing look. Adora nodded ever so slightly in return. 

"Okay! I have another thing. I think it was chapter 5… Or 4? It could've been-" Scorpia noticed the look that Catra was now giving her. "-riiight, spaceships! Why are spaceships mentioned in the book? I don't get it?"

Oh? Scorpia read? That perked Adora up a little. Relaxed her.

"So yeah, that's probably a mistranslation. Historians haven't managed to decipher all of the texts they've uncovered. That's the best guess anyone's come up with, but it's probably some kind of boat or something."

That was an easy question. 

"Mhm, mhm..." Scorpia took a moment to absorb the information, eyes glazing over in a very odd way before suddenly snapping back. "But like, what if they actually meant they saw spaceships? Oh wow, wouldn't that be cool?"

And that was a hard one. 

Adora didn't know what to do with that. She didn't know at all. What would you say to that? Very interesting point? Please clarify? 

She chanced another glance at Catra, who had mumbled something about _"Entrapta getting"_ to Scorpia - but by then Catra was pointedly staring out the window in a way that told Adora she was on her own. Apparently she was following the whole _"if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all"_ mantra. That was great for Scorpia.

… But it was less great for Adora. 

And so she remained on her own for the better part of twenty minutes. Eventually, she regained most of her confidence (and professionalism), although her conversation with Scorpia swung wildly between trying, strangely fascinating, and absolutely _what the hell?_

Catra sniggered here and there, but her voice didn't ring out for a very long time. 

And when it did?

"Look, someone set Swift Wind on fire again."

Okay, well. 

While Adora appreciated Catra's very late attempt at a distraction, that was not going to- 

"Oh man!" Scorpia bolted from her seat to the window. "It's super big this time!"

Wait, for real? Adora's gaze was drawn out the window. There was indeed a trail of smoke coming from across the quad. She couldn't see the flames from her angle, but honestly? She wasn't sure she wanted to. 

"This time?" Adora asked Catra, still a bit confused. "There have been other times?" 

"The first time was definitely an accident. It was windy and someone left a candle out and it caught on all the offerings. If you leave him stuff, he's supposed to bring you luck on tests. Just a dumb school myth about a dumb statue. Anyways, the other times seem less innocent. Since finals have gotten closer," Catra gestured at the smoke streak outside, "this has been happening at least once a week. Administration can't figure out who keeps doing it." She finished the explanation almost entirely flatly, although she couldn't quite disguise a hint of satisfaction. Right, Catra enjoyed that kind of chaos. 

She finally looked back at Adora. 

Yep. As expected, vindictively pleased. 

Adora felt her pulse rate rise simply because it had been so long since they'd made eye contact. Twenty minutes… Okay, okay. Kind of pathetic, but it was the truth. She felt herself blush, smile, weaken, and then...

"What's going on with you two?" Scorpia interrupted their little moment with a laugh.

"Huh?" Adora redirected her focus. "What do you mean?"

"You guys look at each other weirdly. I know looks! I have looks with Catra. You guys have a look." 

Adora and Catra shared another one of said looks, one that was far more alarmed this time. 

"We're uh, we know each other well." Was it okay for her to say that? Technically yes, but it still felt weird. Better than getting caught though... "I advise her. Catra's come by a lot this semester, you already know that."

"Yup," Catra added, finally deciding to be helpful. "It's called networking, Scorpia." 

Still, Adora stood up rather abruptly. She didn't feel she was going to be able to handle much more of the tension, and so made the firm executive decision not to. "Exactly. Anyways, I forgot I have something I'm supposed to do in a few minutes." It wasn't untrue. Adora needed to panic and then calm down. That was something. "I think that's all the review I can do with you two today. If you have any other questions, I'm happy to answer them later."

She watched Scorpia slowly process, consider, and then definitely accept her excuse - thank God. 

"Really? Well… Okay then! I wish I was that close with a professor. Darn." Scorpia moved from the window to her stuff. "Hey, if you guys do this again before the semester ends, tell me! I have a few other friends who would love to come too." 

"Of course. You'll be sure to tell Scorpia next time you come see me, right Catra?"

"I sure will." Catra gave Adora a strained smile. 

She was the last to stand up, obviously hoping to linger. 

"Oh! Catra, can you help me with Hordak's problem sets?" Scorpia asked, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "I have no idea what I'm doing without you there."

"I will tonight. I have a quick question about the quiz, but I'll see you at the dorm, yeah?"

"Okay! You're the best. Thanks so much!"

And with that, Scorpia left them alone. It was honestly quite astounding. Catra made her way around the desk the moment the door shut, gaze firmly locked with Adora's. 

Adora had many things to say. Many things to say about the awkwardness. The tension. The feelings. 

Catra, however, did not. 

“Don’t think I didn’t catch you buttoning up your shirt when you walked in," and within seconds, she was already undoing the top half. "I can't believe we have less time now."

"I hope you know you did this to yourself."

"We're alone now, aren't we?" Catra growled. "So it worked out fine."

"But did it _really?"_ Adora poked.

She knew what she was poking. 

The tease melted away whatever handle Catra had over herself. She abandoned Adora's shirt and sprung into action. For once, Adora had predicted it. She caught both of Catra's wrists with a grin. 

_"What the-"_

Then spun her around, bending her over the desk exactly as originally planned. Adora had done quite a lot of planning. It might've taken an extra half hour or so, but she had Catra just where she wanted her. Honestly, it was pretty impressive.

"Wow, this has to be pretty embarrassing for you," Adora giggled. "I never thought I'd see you like this." 

"Oh shut the fuck up." 

Something about that. Something just- 

She suddenly felt herself overcome with a wave of warm, gooey, and simply wonderful affection. It spread all through her body. It took everything not to let those three sacred words spill from her mouth in that moment. They were so natural. They were so true. They made Adora so… So happy. 

"You going to keep me pinned here?" Catra hissed.

"Hm, I was thinking about it." 

"Go die."

Adora relinquished Catra's wrists in favor of letting her hands move around more freely down her sides and to her hips. She applied just enough pressure to make sure Catra stayed put. Honestly, she could've escaped if she wanted to.

… Yet she didn't. 

It was with growing pleasure that Adora suspected Catra enjoyed the position - just like she'd enjoyed Adora on top in the Eternia building. No, it wasn't often Adora had this sort of advantage, but perhaps it was worth exploring further. 

She leaned in. 

Too excited to wait. 

"So… Are you going to tell me what you need?"

Adora never got an answer. 

She heard Catra's hissed warning before she saw it. But when she saw it, it was very bad - especially because neither of them had locked the door. Neither of them had thought anything of it. The shadow in the frosted glass had graced them with only a few seconds of hesitation, a single knock, and then the handle started the turn. 

Always quicker on the uptake, Catra used her excellent reflexes and slid from underneath Adora's hands to duck under the desk at what was quite possibly the speed of light. Adora was less graceful. She stood up straight, fully aware she was as red and flustered as physically possible. 

She was far less aware of her freshly unbuttoned shirt. It was much, much more obvious than before. There was no saving that mistake twice in a row. 

"Hey, if you're still here then I realized I had a quick-... Oh. Oh!" Scorpia froze, door half open. "I'm so sorry!" And she looked away, then back. Then away, and back… "But jeez- I- uhh, Professor…? Are you okay? Is something- _Gosh,_ I don't even know..." 

Yeah, that mistake was absolutely what Scorpia was desperately trying not to stare at. 

"Yup. Yup." Adora nodded. "I was uhhh," she tried to think. Her brain latched onto the first thing that appeared. "I was just doing jumping jacks. So I'm uh, kind of breathless and stuff. What's up?"

Just... Why.

Scorpia stared at her, mouth hanging open. 

Why did it have to be that. 

"Do you have a question?"

Adora could've picked literally anything else. 

"Uhhh… Y-Yeah… It was the paper, uhhh…" Scorpia scratched her head, straining to keep her eyes level with Adora's. "Yeah, but y'know what, I think I'll just email you. So…"

But Scorpia didn't move. Adora felt herself getting redder. After a few uncomfortable seconds, she cleared her throat. 

"Catra left, by the way. She said she was going to meet you at the library to do those problem sets early. Yup! So you can go meet herrrright now, right?"

The lie was terrible. Of course it was. It was all cracked and uncomfortable, but it didn't have to be good. It just had to be good enough. Adora could only hope Scorpia's bar was still incredibly low.

"Yeeep. Thanks, Professor," she smiled awkwardly, slowly backing out of the office. "Enjoy your… Uh… Enjoy your exercise. Bye…!"

_Click._

Adora almost collapsed. She had to brace herself against the desk to remain standing. Someone had walked in on them in the office. It finally happened. 

_"Please tell me she doesn't know."_

"She doesn't know," Catra emerged from below, unmistakably annoyed. "She would've said something to me. She was probably just staring at your tits." As Adora's fear slowly morphed to embarrassed relief, Catra's annoyance shifted into a death glare. "And thanks so much for your concern, I'm never doing that again." 

Nearly getting caught was a jarring, unpleasant experience that could only be made smoother by Catra's reassurance. Catra could be as annoyed as she liked, but it didn't matter. They weren't outed because she'd sucked it up and hid. That had been really sweet, and it sparked another tingly wave of conscious love. 

Adora could even see a little bit of the humor in the situation as she lifted her hands off the table, clenching her fists in an effort to minimize their shakiness. "Sorry about that, heh." 

"Also, jumping jacks? Seriously? I can't believe you managed to weird Scorpia out. You have no idea how hard it is to do that," at least Catra breathed a sigh of relief. "It's good she bought it. She's literally the only person that would, so count yourself lucky."

Adora had that feeling too. That was close. Really, why did she keep risking so much? 

She eyed Catra, choosing instead to lean into the affection that always came so easy. She focused on Catra. Her face. Her freckles. Her wild hair. Then down... Even how she held herself. Yes, that was far preferable to returning to panic. 

"Actually," Catra tilted her head in just the cutest way, apparently noticing Adora's blush. "You're red as fuck. So maybe you're right. Maybe exercise was all you could go with."

"Maybe..." 

"Don't ruin your new thing though, people think you're cool now. It'd suck to lose that."

"I guess I am pretty cool." 

_"Maybe."_

Catra kissed her. It felt good… At first. At first it was hungry. Aggressively needy and sweet. Adora had enough practice not to give in to her rapidly weakening knees. It was a sad moment when she realized that it was a goodbye kiss. That Catra was pulling away.

"Hey, hey," Adora held her close. "I think I still have a little time. We probably shouldn't, well. But you could-"

"And I don't have time. I'm helping Scorpia with her homework, remember?"

"Oh... I… I did say that."

Unfortunately.

"You did, and believe it or not, I'm trying not to be a totally shit friend," Yeah… Catra hadn't shaken Scorpia off earlier either. Good for her, but also darn for Adora. "So it looks like neither of us are getting fucked."

Adora sighed and let Catra go. She didn't want to, but she didn't seem to have much of a choice. She almost let Catra get to the door before she remembered the other goal she'd had for the day. 

"Hey, one more thing."

She figured she might as well succeed in completing one of the two. 

Catra looked back. "Hm?" 

"Can you come over Saturday night? We can finish this, and then maybe… Well, I'm hoping we can see a friend of mine on Sunday."

That was a very subtle way of putting it. Part of Adora worried she was jumping the gun, but everything had felt kind of go big or go home lately. 

"You want someone else to know about us?" Catra asked, bemused. "Right after that mess? After Glimmer?"

Glimmer, right. There was another uncomfortable feeling. They could be doing so many other things right now, but here they were. Not doing those things. 

"He sort of already does," Adora shrugged. "And… I really want you two to meet."

Catra studied her for a second, several levels of continually lessening hesitation clear on her face. "Alright. I trust you, so okay."

For what felt like the thousandth time, Adora refrained from telling Catra that she loved her. 

When Catra left, Adora stayed. Not laid. A little shaky, but happy.

Then.

"Oh crap."

Then she noticed her shirt. 

"That's what she meant. Scorpia really was-..."

She fumbled with the buttons. She was going to need way more reassurance from Catra later. 

"I- shi- fu- _damn it."_

\--- 

The good news was that Adora got that reassurance real easy.

_"You're sure she won't report me for acting weird?"_

_"She's too nice," Catra flicked Adora's forehead. "Stop thinking about it."_

_"And she didn't see you either, right?"_

_"We would know if she saw me. I'm her friend, remember? Some rumors might go around. But like I said, too nice. No one's going to find out the shape of your breasts except me. And her, apparently."_

The bad news was that getting Sunday to work was significantly harder than Adora anticipated. Indeed, it was far more difficult than it needed to be. She had to convince Bow that she wasn't mad at him. That he wasn't a bad friend for divulging everything to Glimmer. Most importantly though, that no, Adora wasn't going to force him to choose between her and Glimmer. 

It took one hell of a phone conversation to get through all that. Forty five stress filled minutes later, and Sunday was finally a go. 

Convincing Catra, as you're aware, had been much simpler. Adora had expected normalcy there, but that wasn't exactly what had unfolded. 

Catra had been weird - just for a little bit. She insisted she'd uber over, which greatly disappointed Adora. Having totally forgotten about their prior agreement, she didn't understand why Catra would do such a thing until she showed up with perhaps the largest mesh bag of laundry to ever exist. Then the decision made sense. What possible excuse would there have been if someone saw Catra stuffing _that_ into Adora's trunk? 

Whatever, whatever.

Laundry was the least of Adora's worries. 

"If I do this until the end of the year, I'll save myself over a hundred bucks." Catra proclaimed with immense self satisfaction as she pressed go on the dryer. "This is the real reason I'm with you, by the way."

An unlikely story. She hadn't even gotten around to doing any laundry until the morning. There had been a few distractions, yes...

"What a relief."

But those were firmly out of Adora's mind. In an effort to show Bow just how put together she was, she'd gone overboard and chosen what was probably way too nice of a place to eat. She'd committed herself to looking and acting nice - which meant she'd also committed Catra as well. It wasn't that she didn't have faith in Catra! It was just… New. Catra could build Adora up all she wanted, but Adora was still going to be at least somewhat nervous. 

"Come on, that was funny. Are you that worried? He's your friend. It's going to be fine."

Perhaps it was a little selfish, if you'd call Adora wanting to keep one of her best friends selfish, but she really wanted Catra and Bow to get along. No, Bow couldn't convince Glimmer to like Catra. He still needed to like Catra for things to work, though. Because if he didn't, it was way more likely that he'd tell Adora she was out of luck. 

"I want this to go well." _Or else say goodbye to yet another core social support._ Adora tried to steel herself. She'd been practicing that and so it worked a little bit, but the jitters were still very much present. 

"I guess I should get ready then. Do you have an iron? I'm going to need it." 

"Uh, yeah. Third cabinet on the right, I think. Above the dryer." She'd resisted buying one for a long time, but alas. 

There was a little bit of shuffling, a strained grunt, and then a small sigh.

"Ughh… Adora?"

Right, right. Short. 

"Oh, I got it." Adora entered the laundry room and reached above Catra's head to open the much too high cabinet and retrieve the iron. "You know how to use it, right?"

Catra nodded. 

For some reason, Adora took that at face value. Maybe it sort of made sense? If Adora could use an iron, so could Catra. She pulled out the board and set it up just outside the tiny laundry room. 

"I need to change out of sneakers..."

"I don't think he'll care," Catra said as she started getting the iron ready. "But do whatever makes you feel better."

Adora returned to her room to find her best shoes. They were the type she wore to presentations. Once on, she felt a little ridiculous. She'd gotten used to dressing up for class, but dressing up for this felt different. It was obvious that Catra was right. Bow was a friend. There was no need to be so tense. So maybe the shoes were overkill, yet Adora kept them on as she made her way back. Again, Bow needed to know that she was serious about everything. Because Catra made her want to be a better person in ways she couldn't describe. Because Catra cared about her. Because Catra made her feel like she knew things. And because Catra herself knew a lot of-

"Whaaat are you doing?" 

"You said to wear something nice," Catra looked up in confusion. "This is my nice shirt. I'm unwrinkling it for your friend date thing that you're dragging me to?"

"But that's-..." Adora held in a laugh, checking the tag to make sure she was correct. She had enough ties to see where this was going. "Yeah, that's silk." 

"Huh," Catra observed the shirt like she'd never really seen it before. "I had no idea. I got it at Goodwill. It's crazy what people get rid of. Alright, it's silk then. So?"

Catra being the dumb one was so cute - and it was an excellent momentary distraction from all that bubbling anxiety. 

"So you're going to ruin it if you do it like that. Didn't you say you used an iron before?" 

Really, it was hard to keep it together. 

"No, I said I knew how to. I looked it up."

But Adora managed it. 

"Did you look up how to iron silk?"

Barely.

"I-..." Catra couldn't come up with a way around that one. "Okay. Fine. If you're so smart, then you do it."

"Gladly." They needed to get going soon. Adora hurried to get a thin, damp towel, then returned to Catra's side and took the iron. 

Catra stepped back to give Adora space to position the cloth and start on the many creases. "I guess you're the housewife."

"Wow, aren't you so funny." 

"You can cook too. I still can't believe that." 

"It's amazing what you can learn when the only other option is starving." 

Thirty seconds in and Catra had already closed the distance between them. Her hands started to wander over Adora's body. 

She bent over to whisper in Adora's ear. "Who knew ironing could be so hot?"

"Catra," Adora started, trying very hard to remain composed. She still wanted to laugh, but she didn't. The hot iron that was only a short distance away from her hand made sure of that. "You should probably-"

"I should probably what?" 

"I'm s-serious…!"

"So am I."

"I'll burn-"

"Mm, it was like five bucks. I'll just wear one of yours."

 _"-myself."_ And that was more final. "You can touch me however you want after we get lunch with Bow."

"Right, right," Catra withdrew at that firmness. "Do your thing." 

Once left in relative peace, Adora found her stride, and so it didn't take too long for her to finish. 

She turned off the iron, set it down safely, then held up the shirt. "It's not perfect, but here." 

Catra took the shirt, genuinely admiring how it had gone from looking like a crumpled piece of paper to a normal article of clothing. "Wow, okay. Question."

"Yeah?"

She looked back up at Adora with just the worst grin. "Can you do my pants too?"

By some miracle, they made it out of the house on time. Catra seemed allergic to promptness. Adora had not known this fact before. Catra had always been on time for lecture. It just hadn't come up! One part of Adora found it kind of endearing, but the other, much more dominant part of her was still worried about how the meal would go. 

Catra, on the other hand, was in a very good mood. Catra took advantage of every red light to tease Adora. Every stop sign. Even some of the yields. 

_"Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you when we get back?"_

_"You sure you don't want to turn around? We could stay in."_

_"I wonder if they've got single stall bathrooms. How long do you think it'd take?"_

The restaurant was a good half hour away from campus. A little upscale, just as expected. Catra fit in like a charm. Nervous as Adora was, she took a moment to stop them both just outside the entrance. She really was immensely grateful that Catra had agreed. 

"Thank you for doing this. I want you to know that you look really nice." 

"I know I do. Tell me something I don't know." Even if she was being difficult in her uniquely frustrating yet cute way. 

"Your arrogance is unattractive," Adora smiled. "How's that?"

"I didn't say lie to me. Lying is very hurtful. Come on, you know better."

"Of course, of course. Let's go inside."

This time, Catra stopped them. "Adora."

"... Yeah?"

"You look great too."

"Thank you." 

The moment they entered the restaurant and Adora saw Bow waiting at a table, she felt relief. She really shouldn't have worried. As anxious as Bow might've been, he simply looked too happy to see Adora to care. If he was fine, everything would be fine. 

He even stood up to greet them. 

"Bow, meet Catra," Adora gestured between them. "Catra, meet Bow."

"So you're her, huh?" 

"Yep. I'm her." Catra's previously relaxed tone dipped slightly into suspicion, but not too badly. 

Perhaps she was expecting Bow to dislike her? Most of her excitement had disappeared. It was a total swap between her and Adora. 

Whatever it was, it wasn't enough to phase Bow. "It's really nice to finally meet you, Catra."

They sat down. Catra let Adora lead, and not wanting to terrify her… Partner? Adora decided to start just by catching up. 

Adora gave Bow what was probably some very poor advice on how to proceed with a project he was working on, but hey, she did her best for not being an architect. Bow rambled on about pretty much everything in his life that didn't include Glimmer, which meant they all heard an awful lot about his Dads. That worked fine for Adora. They were some of the best people to talk history to. 

When that became too much, or maybe when things started to settle after they ordered, they slowly switched over into the actual reason they were there, _Catra._ It wasn't meant to be some terrifying interrogation, really. It wasn't an ambush. Adora had made that clear to both of them. It was just an introduction. An introduction that mattered... A lot. But still, just an introduction. Adora held her tongue and allowed Catra and Bow to interact without too much hand holding - except the literal kind, of course. Under the table. 

Catra's general reservation, even when she was straining to be polite, was good in some ways. It let Bow talk more than her. It let Adora observe the hidden details of Catra's reactions in more detail. Eventually though, Bow started asking a few questions. A few questions quickly turned into all sorts of questions. Adora had to split her attention at that point, checking in on them both. 

_She was from Adora's hometown, right?_

_What was she studying?_

_What were her hobbies?_

_Future plans?_

He even jokingly asked how she and Adora met. A question in good faith, but it only elicited a cringe from Catra. Fair. Fair. 

He covered the kinds of things that had taken Adora forever to get out. To her credit, Catra was trying. She more honest in her replies. Though they were short, she wasn't rude either. She kept a tight hold of Adora's hand. 

Midway through the polite conversation, which was honestly nice to see after Glimmer's reaction, Catra's phone went off. She finally relinquished Adora's hand to check it. Her expression darkened for a fraction of a second. 

“I have to take this.” Catra rose from her chair.

Adora looked up at her, about to ask if _maybe it could wait,_ but noticed Catra's serious expression. "Oh uh, no worries." 

With no objection, Catra hurried to shuffle away from the table. The moment she had, she put her phone up to her ear, "yep?" 

And then moved to exit the restaurant.

Once she was gone,. Adora turned her attention to Bow, although he spoke first.

“I’m still sorry that I made things harder between you and Glimmer.”

He was just too much. Adora was too lucky. 

“It’s fine, really! You don't have to keep apologizing. I don't know why you keep doing it. It’s us who are making things hard."

"I feel like a horrible friend, but I love her too- and I don't know why she's reacting so strongly and I feel like I'm in the middle and-"

"Bow," Adora reached across the table to grab his hand. "You're okay. I'm not mad at you. Glimmer isn't mad at you. We're mad at each other."

"Yeah.… I know." Bow nodded. 

Adora was just glad she could calm him down again. "I'm guess I am kind of curious though, how long was it until she found out?"

"I managed not to bring it up until Friday before last, I think?" Bow replied, tone still somewhat apologetic. "She was talking about you and it sort of slipped out. She's been complaining about you a lot lately and it's making me uncomfortable. I ask her to stop, and she does, but only for a day or two."

So that was when he told her about Adora being upset. That made sense. After all, that was the Friday when Adora got the text asking her to call. Bow must not have specified exactly when it all went down, just that it had. Glimmer probably thought she and Catra were fighting _then_ and saw it as an in to exploit. That also meant that Glimmer thought the fight happened after she came by office… Which implied she had no idea she was technically the reason they got back together. 

Wow, yeah. Adora wasn't going to tell Bow that. If Glimmer found out her vital part in Catra and Adora's reconciliation, the world might just implode. 

No one needed to deal with that. Not Catra. Not Adora. Not Bow, that was for sure. 

"That sounds really hard," Adora sighed, a little guilty. She really hadn't thought too much about how Glimmer's relationship with Bow was being affected by the ordeal. "Really… Really hard."

“It's- well, it's fine. Just keep in mind that I can't lie to her about today. She knows I’m seeing you and she's already mad enough you haven't talked to her."

Ouch. But also ugh. 

"I know you need to be honest with her, don't worry. And I get she's mad, but I really don't know what to say until she apologizes. The more I've thought about what she said, the less happy I am with it."

Bow just shook his head. "I don't think she will. I'm not saying you should- I guess I… Well… Catra's a big issue to her, Adora. I'm sorry." 

Adora didn't want to think about Glimmer anymore. That wasn't why she came here. She came here for Bow. For their friendship. And maybe a little bit for his take.

“Actually," she started the pivot, "I’m kind of glad we got a minute alone, because I wanted to ask. What do you think of Catra?”

Bow took a minute to consider her before replying. 

"I'm going to be honest, listening to Glimmer so much made me pretty skeptical. I was hopeful, but yeah… Skeptical. Now I've met her, though?" And he was already beginning to nod his affirmation. "She doesn't seem bad for you. I mean, she's obviously a little unsure about me, but that's not the point. She isn’t using you. She cares a lot about you and _that's_ what I care about. Besides, you're happy too. I'm not sure what Glimmer's getting at."

"See! That's my point!" Oh, that was loud. "I uh, I just mean it's not hard to tell that it's a good thing." 

If only Glimmer would listen to Adora and Bow. If only she could see that she and Catra were actually a lot alike. If she could chill out then maybe they could ALL be friends! And if-

"Not at all," Bow smiled. "Catra is seriously in love with you."

Wait. 

_"W… What…!?"_ Adora felt like Bow had just slapped her in the face, but like- in a good way. She was so stunned - and her heart was so shocked that it practically hurt. "Did she say- did you- or… How can you tell if I can't!?"

"Hmmm, call it a feeling. No offense, but don't pretend that's your strong suit."

"I'm serious, Bow!" Adora pleaded. "What am I missing?"

"Alright, alright. Calm down. Just remember it's a feeling. A strong feeling, but yeah. So I don't know her very well, but Catra doesn't seem like the kind of person who would sit down and tolerate this unless you were here."

"I… I guess so…?"

"She keeps looking at you for reassurance too," he added, still smiling. "It's cute."

"She does?"

"Yes, Adora. She does." 

No, no. 

Adora shouldn't get too ahead of herself. Catra being in love with her was probably too good to be true. "Well that's not necessarily-"

"And another thing. It's not just reassurance. She looks at you like you look at her. I might not know her, but I know you."

There was that look thing again. 

"... You really think she loves me?"

Even Scorpia noticed it, although she couldn't place it. 

"I do." 

And Bow wouldn't lie. He couldn't, same as Adora. Joy shot through her veins like adrenaline. Actually, it probably was adrenaline. 

"Oh my God, Bow. Bow! What if she's the one?"

"Then we are in a lot of trouble," Bow only half joked, though he seemed happy for Adora. "But with your luck, maybe we should get ready for it."

"What do I do!? Sorry for asking for so much advice. I just- I don't know what to do!" Adora had already asked an awful lot, and so she didn't want Bow to feel pushed. But also like, she really needed help.

"... Well, I don't think you can just ask her. Glimmer said you said that you love her, so maybe confess first?”

“Isn’t it early?" 

That was part of the reason she'd managed to hold back so far. They'd only been on a few real dates. 

… Then again, there were all those times before their dates. All those months before. Surely those encounters counted for something. Was Adora falling in love that fast really so unreasonable? And if Bow was right about Catra, then wasn't it possible the same thing had happened to her? 

“That’s up to you to decide." Bow hung his head. "Man… Glimmer's going to ask what I think of her too. I'm not excited for that."

"Yeaaah… Sorry," Adora apologized again, then cleared her throat. "I didn't mean to get so far with that." 

"It's okay. I just really hope she doesn't freak out too badly. When she finds out tha-"

And she was back. 

Bow quieted immediately, giving Catra a very obvious closed mouth smile as she slid back into her seat. Adora was beyond relieved that he made that call. 

"Hey," Catra greeted. "What're you guys talking about?"

"I was just telling Adora how… Lucky you both are to have each other." 

Very nice! Again, Bow was as good of a liar as Adora. Catra looked skeptical.

"Your call go well?" Adora asked, taking both Catra's attention and hand.

The distraction worked fine. Only fine, though. 

"It was… Okay." Catra's shoulders were tenser. Her breaths were longer. She didn't seem interested in eating, either. 

Those behaviors blossomed a soft concern in Adora's chest. She opened her mouth to ask what was going on before deciding it wouldn't be a good look to ask then. So she let Catra be. 

She kept the conversation going for the rest of lunch. Catra remained pensive. When they finished, she and Bow hugged. He and Catra nodded at each other in some weird agreement that Adora didn't quite get. 

But still.

Quiet.

The moment they were back in the car, Adora found she couldn't hold back any longer. "Hey, is something up?"

"What do you mean?"

Adora considered her options. Unfortunately, the first potential problem that came to mind was Bow. She'd spent so much time worrying about whether or not Bow would approve of Catra, she hadn't stopped to consider what to do if Catra didn't return the sentiment. It wasn’t like they had that much in common.

"You seem like something's on your mind... So… Did you like Bow?"

"He's fine."

Oh God, it'd also been too soon for them to meet, hadn't it? What had Adora been thinking? She'd messed things up with Catra! Again! All because she couldn't be patient. Adora wasn't sure how much damage control she pull off, but she had to try.

"He's also been one of my best friends for a long time. I'm really glad he likes you. And he does, by the way." 

"Yeah, I could tell. He was pretty nice." Actually, that was confusing. It didn't sound like she was lying. 

"Okay…" Adora bit her lip, feeling increasingly concerned. "What do you want to do when we get to the house?" 

"I'll get everything out of the dryer and then I can Uber back." 

"Oh, okay. I… Alright."

Adora finally turned on the car, trying to formulate a plan. Trying. 

The ride back was also quiet. 

No plan came to mind. 

When they finally reached the house, she hesitated before exiting the car. She hesitated because Catra hesitated. Because Catra held her jaw stiff, tapping her foot in irregular beats for just a second too long. And when she made to leave, her expression remained unpleasantly strained.

Never mind some plan. Adora being Adora would have to do. 

"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" She asked bravely as she shut the door behind them, inserting a tad more force into the question than before. 

"It's nothing."

Catra began heading towards the laundry room, single-minded and rigid. It was beyond worrying, so Adora caught her - gentle yet firm. She turned Catra so they were facing each other.

"I’m serious,” she said. “Are you okay? Did I do something?" 

Catra stared back into concern that Adora was doing her best to convey. She stared until her posture finally broke a little. "I…” As did her voice, but only for a second. “Yeah. I'm okay, yeah. You're alright. I’m stressed and thinking about stuff, that’s all."

That's where Adora fully softened. "Can I do anything to help?" 

“I really can handle it on my own." 

So it really was something. An _it,_ no less. 

“I'm sure you can,” Adora smiled. “But that doesn't mean you should."

"I don't think it's something you'd understand. Also, it doesn’t matter. I'm just in a bad mood."

A bad mood that had started at lunch. A bad mood that had only appeared after Adora had dragged Catra out of the house to do something that probably only benefited Adora. That really could’ve been it, except Catra had been clear that Bow wasn’t the issue.

It was then Adora remembered the phone call. _Better late than never._ "Someone called you, right? Did they- were they the one who got you like this?" 

If she was right, she half expected Catra to shut down even more. For her eyes to darken. For the day to be ruined. And for second, that prediction seemed to hold true - then it shifted. 

"... Yeah. I wasn't planning on telling you about it." Because Catra actually forced a smile, albeit a weak one. An almost shy one that became more natural as the seconds passed by. She started rocking her weight back and forth, testing her strange ambivalence here and there. “But thanks for noticing… And caring, I guess.”

That was more than enough for Adora to work with, so she continued. "Of course I noticed. I’m dying to know all your life secrets, remember?”

Catra let out a small chuckle. "You're such an idiot. It's not a secret," but then, "It’s just…”

Nope, no dipping. Adora wasn’t having that. Her mind whirred into the same kind of action it had when she was trying to come up with something to tell Scorpia, although she hoped it'd yield better results this time around. She needed something distracting that was also not distracting at the same time. Something funny. Or better yet, something embarrassingly unfunny. It just had to help Catra feel safe enough to open up. 

"Oh it’s definitely a secret. You've got my brain going now. Hm, let’s see. You could be a time traveler. Or like, a special agent. A spy!" Adora snapped her fingers. "You could be a Russian spy!" 

"Adora- I- what the actual hell?" Adora didn't know what the hell either, but at least Catra hadn’t sunk any further. Indeed, she looked more amused than before, which was an excellent sign to keep it up. 

"Oh my God, you're a spy. That was totally your handler. How didn't I see it before? What am I supposed to do? I can't lie about that! People are going to find out. We're going to be on the news, Catra."

Catra laughed hoarsely, absently shaking her head through all of Adora's little speech. 

And after she settled down, “honestly, do I look like a spy to you?" 

"Nobody _looks_ like a spy. I bet you were sent to assassinate me. Is that why you're upset? You got the go ahead and now you're attached."

"Sure, because you're so important," Catra rolled her eyes. "Nothing's as fun as that. Life isn't like that."

"It could be,” Adora shrugged. “It's happened a lot in history. Trust me, I know."

Catra eyed her suspiciously, then seemed to decide not to ask. Probably a good choice, to be honest. 

"Okay, maybe it has,” she paused. “But that’s not this. You really don't need to make it sound like such a big deal." 

_And that, friends, was the point._

"Well... I don't know what kind of deal it is, do I?" Adora smiled again. 

There. She was sure she’d done it, and in fact, perhaps she had - just not in the way she had hoped. Because at those words, the humorous approach fell apart. Catra's face tumbled down from where Adora had built it up to. Her gaze dropped too, followed by her shoulders. All of it back right where it started. She sighed, extra slow and heavy for her. It was like they were back in the restaurant. 

Except this time, they were alone. 

Adora gave her a moment to feel whatever it was she was feeling before cautiously lifting her chin. Catra's eyes were odd. Not red or upset. Not teary or pleading. Not warm, obviously… Yet not cold either. There might have been a hint of urgency somewhere deep inside, but Adora couldn't say for sure. 

Only Catra could say.

"You're perfect to me, Catra. I promise you that nothing's going to change that," Adora whispered the very second she felt in the clear to speak. "So… I really, really hope you can trust me when I say that you don't have to shut me out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooo I wonder...?


	10. Handle With Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deeeeep chapter. 
> 
> This is definitely not your standard hurt/comfort chapter. You probably won't be able to tell real well based off what's here, but I DO genuinely enjoy the trope. I just have… Several bones to pick with it for the purposes of this story. Hmmmm. There's a specific way in which I approach chapters like these and I'm sure some of you already have an intuitive idea about what's coming.
> 
> CW: discussion of abuse (we all saw that coming, but for anyone who didn't, here's ya warning. I consider it non graphic fyi.)

_"You don't have to shut me out."_

And when Adora said that, she just had to wonder why Catra's expression shifted the way it did. 

What had been in there, anyway? 

In Catra's expression. Although Catra downplayed it, Adora still had ideas. 

She thought there had to have been sadness hidden somewhere in there, despite the absence of tears. She also guessed there'd been pain, or maybe confliction was the right word. Although, that hadn't quite shone through either. Then there had been that sliver of urgency, the one Adora wasn't sure whether she had willed herself to see. 

Perhaps it had been all of those ideas at once. Perhaps it was none of them at all. Even when her shoulders sank and her gaze fell, Catra had remained reserved, so it was hard to tell. 

Whether it was or wasn't any of those things, Adora quickly realized what _had been_ didn't particularly matter, because in that moment - it all took a backseat. The freefall just… Stopped. Catra went from a crumbling, unsure, agitated haze to considering Adora with deadly sober concern. The jarring transition swept everything from before away. Cleaned the slate.

However strange the shift felt, Adora's words had worked. They'd sunk deeper than her normal reassurances or even her attempts at humor. Where those methods pulled Catra to the edge, _had her waver,_ this one finally tipped her over. 

"You really feel shut out because of this?" Catra asked quietly, seemingly surprised at the idea. Bothered.

It was as if she never thought about it that way before. 

"A little," Adora smiled. "Don't you feel a little shut in?" 

"No, I- mm." Yes, definitely bothered. "So you want to know that badly, huh." 

"I don't want you to be alone either," she added, once again shifting gears back to her prior approach. This was about Catra. Not just what Adora wanted to know. "You're having a hard time. I know you can handle it. Still, I want you to know I'm here." 

"I'm not alone," Catra corrected, now quite serious. "I'm already here with you. But if you really want, I guess I can tell you." 

"I do." 

"Alright. I never really know how to do this. Who knows if it'll help, so let's sit or something." With that, she motioned to the living room.

Adora followed Catra in, but though she entered second, she was the only one to sit on the couch. Catra took another few moments. She crossed her arms and bowed her head, pacing a few steps this way and that way. Poised. 

Adora watched her go back and forth.

_Tick tock._

“Look, I’m doing this for you," Catra eventually began, head snapping up. "Because you asked and because I trust you. It's been so long and… You don't deserve to feel shut out."

That was a very sweet sentiment, very Catra too, except...

“It should be for you too, Catra.” 

"Sorry, but it isn't really. I get I'm in a shitty mood and you want to help, and I guess I’m not necessarily opposed to some extra support, but this is context for you to understand me better. So you need to understand that it's really important to me that you don't do some weird shit like pity me, okay? And don't make it a big deal or I'm just going to feel worse.” 

Those words were the slowest Catra had ever spoken. She made each one as clear and unmissable as possible. It was also perhaps the most intensely she'd ever looked at Adora - which was saying a lot. It also wasn't really necessary, because Adora was already intently listening. 

She even reached out to Catra, inviting her to join her on the couch. “Okay, I understand. I won't make you feel worse." 

“Good,” Catra breathed a sigh of relief, then took the hand on offer and finally sat down on the couch. She still wasn't quite comfortable enough to sink in. "Good…"

"You ready?" Adora squeezed.

"Are you?"

"Of course."

"Okay, well," and Catra let out another sigh, "I guess I’ll get straight to the point then. The person who called me was my stepmother. She wanted to know my plans for break. She was… Nice enough to remind me that unless I want to freeze to death, I have to book a flight soon."

Even someone like Adora could hear the distaste dripping from Catra’s tone. 

"I take it you don't like her?"

"No. I really, really don’t.” Catra stopped there for a second, thinking. “Do you remember when you asked me if we’d talk over break?”

“Uh, yeah… I remember. You didn't seem too sure...” Unfortunately so. Adora still felt somewhat bad about that. She had a habit of going about things the wrong way, and she really shouldn’t have pushed. Catra had not been very receptive to the idea. 

“She’s why. I don't know if you really want to talk to me until next semester starts," Catra added, not quite meeting her eyes. "I get pissy." 

_Oh!_

Scratch that last, because that made Adora feel just a million times better. Not the pissy part, just that Adora hadn't overstepped. The realization that Catra probably wanted to talk to Adora as much as Adora wanted her was such a relief. 

_And if that was what was bothering Catra, that was a simple fix!_

So Adora tried to regain Catra’s gaze, smiling once she did. "I'm fine with it if you're grumpy. I understand that family is like that sometimes." 

"Hah. Hardly family. It's been just me and her for a long time, and… I kind of… Hate her. I don't ever go back unless I have to. Usually I get a job or internship to pay for winter housing, but I got distracted and didn't this year. I'm not looking forward to it."

"I don't mind," Adora reassured, still smiling. "I want to talk to you even if you're upset. Maybe I can help.”

"Yeah. Help. That’s-... I’m not explaining this right." Catra closed her eyes, letting her head fall into her free hand. She even began running it through her hair, thinking rather loudly in the silence. Considering. Another few seconds, and then she finally leaned forward. "Let me start somewhere else. I'm going to get a degree, you know that.”

"I do…” Adora nodded slowly. 

Because somehow… That. Well that made Adora feel a million times worse. Talk about up and down. It came from how Catra said it. There was a hardness to it, something that made Adora feel deeply uncomfortable. She wasn't going to shy away from it, but she wasn't exactly excited. 

"Well that's because-... Ugh, it's because I never want to see her face again. She’s the _‘things were hard’_ part of my life, Adora. Honestly, she's pretty much all of it." 

There was another something that sent a shiver down Adora’s spine. She forced herself to ignore it as best she could. To focus. Listen and be there for Catra like Catra deserved. Because she did deserve it, really. 

And even if Adora had the feeling that this was not the conversation she had expected, it didn't matter. 

“I’m listening.”

It was still the one she asked for. 

_She ran her thumb lightly over Catra's skin. Back and forth. Absent._

"I guess that's the best way to explain it, because yeah. She used to tell me all kinds of shit. She'd say I wouldn't make it through middle school," Catra chuckled darkly. "Then there was high school. And when she dumped me here, she said I'd flunk out of here too. Wow, I really do hate her. It's not kind of. She's such a piece of shit." 

Piece of shit. She was partial to the term, and so Adora's stomach turned over three or four times before it settled. Catra hadn't wanted Adora to think she was a piece of shit. She said she couldn’t handle it. Now she was calling this woman one. Had she gotten it from her?

Adora held on yet tighter. It wasn't enough. 

"I'm so sorry," she half whispered, unsure whether or not she should be interrupting. “You didn’t deserve that.”

Catra looked down at their interlocked hands. Her own twitched. Her expression hardened for a moment, but it faded with another deep breath. "Yeah, well. She’s usually a bitch, but she was worse. She uh, used to drink. Bang shit. Used to practically break down my door, and-... Look, the point is that I said fuck that and got out. I decided a long time ago that she doesn't get to treat me that way anymore. I don't get this pissed off about it much, but she was such a bitch on the phone and I'm just having a moment remembering shit. Today feels… Hard. Tomorrow might too. You wanted to know, so there. You know. And now you have some context for how I'm acting. I know you probably want to help, and that’s fine, but I'll get over it soon." 

They fell into an uncomfortable silence. 

_Probably…? Probably want to help…?_

For about thirty seconds, Adora thought she was going to cry. Catra's hand remained dead under Adora's. Catra was still, so still she could've been a painting. 

"I can't imagine… What that was like. I don't know what I'd do if I were you…"

Yes, for about thirty seconds, Adora thought she was going to cry. That moment soon passed, however, because the second she managed that reply, she could imagine. 

And so she did.

Catra had left her with an utterly horrific game of fill in the blank. Whatever her intention behind that choice had been, all it resulted in was Adora's slow escalation from confused upset to genuine, burning anger. Somewhere from the ether, Catra said it was okay, but Adora couldn't work with that. She couldn't reason with it. Because it wasn't okay. 

_Who would treat Catra like that?_

She tried to calm down. Indeed, she tried harder than she'd ever tried in her life. Catra needed her. Needed help. Comfort. 

_And… Why?_

Except Catra had also needed help and comfort years ago, but she'd been made to deal with it all on her own. That woman was the first one who was out to get Catra, wasn't she? 

_She'd been Catra's world for so long._

How did Catra ever feel safe? Wait. Wait… Adora did not often manage to connect the dots, but just this once, she did - because she knew how Catra dealt with things like that. Catra had already told her with confidence that she hit things. Adora had witnessed it! And if Catra used the pitching machine to- oh God, when had she bought her first bat? Just how young was she?

_Didn't that monster see what she had done?_

13? 14? She had to have been. Because there were years on her. Years of work on Catra's athletic body. Years of practicing with a weapon under the guise of sport. No, it couldn't have just been stress relief. It was almost certainly the only kind of safety a kid like Catra could assure for herself. Maybe Adora was wrong. Maybe she was getting ahead of herself, but she didn't think so. She didn't think so and that brought her anger to a whole new level. 

_Didn’t that monster care!?_

The image was crystal clear, as real as the room they were in. Adora could see Catra in a huddled, terrified state. It broke her heart in two. She didn't want it to be true. It couldn't be true. 

Adora tried and failed to calm her breathing, then tried and failed to swallow down the lump in her throat. "C-Catra… Did... Did she hurt you?"

"I already said what I wanted to say." 

It did not budge. 

Before Adora knew it, she was on her feet, choked up and upset in a way she's never felt in her entire life. It was all she could do to contain it, kinetic as she was. Now she was the one pacing. _Tick tock._ "Why would anyone do that to you…!? I don't- I don't get it…!"

Half of her demanded to go back to Catra and hold her. She halted, about to do just that when Catra stopped her with a mere look alone. 

"Are you seriously asking me that question?"

"I- you were a kid! Weren't you!?"

Adora had never seen the world so darkly. People were supposed to be good and life was supposed to be hard. They weren't both supposed to be hard! Even in the worst of situations, it was easier to assume the best of people. But there was no explanation for this. There was no- 

"Adora, listen to me." 

And then the real sting. The near world ending burn, because if Adora _had_ known, she could've done something. She could've done something years ago. They came from the same town. Catra had said that she'd seen Adora around - which meant Adora had almost certainly seen Catra too. 

"I am…! I'm listening. I just- we grew up in the same place, Catra! I probably waved at you guys! I can't believe this. If I'd paid more attention. If I'd just looked, then maybe I- maybe if I-"

"That's so fucking stupid. You couldn't have done anything."

"But I could have! I should've been there for you. I needed to be there for you and I wasn't," that, at the very least, came from love. Love transcending logic and time. Love destroying all sense of rationality. It didn't matter if it didn't make sense, the need to protect was far too overpowering. "I hate that. I hate what she did to you. I- I might even-" _hate her._

And Adora didn't hate anyone.

Yet here she was, ready to make an exception. It may have been a while ago that she understood that supposed urge to hit things, but she hadn't ever felt it like this. Now she wanted to hit _her._ She wanted to hit her for everything she'd done to Catra. It was a scary, foreign sort of feeling. Something Adora struggled to contain - the same as everything else. She'd never felt so passionately enraged in her life. Never.

"Calm the hell down." 

Catra's face reappeared for Adora. Popped into existence. Almost scared. Yes, Catra needed her. And she needed her _now._ She needed level headedness. She needed support.

Adora felt the anger decrease by at least half, replaced entirely with concern. She broke through her frozen state to go back to the couch. 

"I- I'm here, okay? I'm here. I can fix this. We could call- we could- if there's evidence, we can-" 

She never made it. 

_"What the fuck!?"_ Catra rose, fists balled. The fear that had been on her face had dissipated.

Adora found her feet planted firmly on the ground. Stuck once again. "What…?" 

"This is why I don't tell anyone about what happened!" Catra roared. “You're you, but even you're not listening to me! I-...! Fuck. _Fuck!"_

What!? 

No, no no no! 

"I'm listening! I swear I'm-"

"No you're not! You think you’re helping, but you’re not! It's difficult for you right now, isn't it? Poor Catra. Life's been hard on me, oh no! You feel sorry for me. You're so fucking angry because of what happened, but what do I want? What did I specifically fucking ask for? I told you what I needed and you're not respecting it at all!"

Oh...

The rest of Adora's heat vanished without so much as a pathetic whimper. It simply died in her chest. "You didn't want… Me to pity you." 

"Wow, thanks for finally remembering." Catra laughed bitterly. 

"Catra…"

"I can't believe you. You're acting like everyone else," and she was shaking. "When people find out, it stops being about me. It's like- shit, it's almost like it's only about what happened to me, or- or maybe what they need to do for me. Or what they should say to me. But they **never** care about what I have to say. It's because it's really about them and whatever their shit is. Everyone's so damn busy playing _hero,_ they just decide I'm a _victim._ It's so- so damn selfish." 

Selfish. No one had ever accused Adora of being selfish before, not like that at least. Many people considered her selfless - and Catra was usually one of them. The sear was harsh. Selfish wasn't something Adora ever wanted to be. 

She didn't yet understand it, but she didn't need to. Facing Catra's unwaveringly furious glare had Adora shriveling into herself. "I'm- I'm not like everyone else... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so angry." 

"Sometimes I don't even feel like a person when I'm treated that way. I'm just this fucking broken little specimen. Do you have any idea what it's like? To have everyone else decide that what she did defines me? I don't want her to define me, especially not with you. Not with how you see me. I get to do that. I get to. Okay? I deserve that much." Catra was panting heavily by the end of that, so much so that her voice had achieved a distinct amount of rasp.

Slowly breaking down. 

"Catra, I didn't-"

"So whatever you're seeing in your head right now, that's not me," and she continued the spiral, her voice cracking. "I'm me. I'm here and I'm telling you that it hurts to be seen that way. Get it the hell out of your mind. _I. Hate. It."_

She was just out of reach, and it was Adora's fault all over again. 

"Please, please come here," she pleaded. "Or I can come to you. I'm sorry." 

Catra didn't move. 

"Tell me you don't see me differently."

"I…" 

_But Adora did. She did see her differently._

That was Adora’s immediate thought, and it startled her even more than Catra's outburst. That...

"I'm serious, Adora. The next time something crashes outside your office- or- or maybe if Glimmer shows up pissed off again,” Catra’s voice quavered, threatening to crack all over again, now with the most heartbreaking mix of rage and sadness. “Who- fuck. Who am I going to be to you when I jump? Me now or me then?" 

Adora felt that lump rise further in her throat. She swallowed again. Hard. Yet it still didn't go away, because it was undeniable that she saw both incidents far differently in this new light. The answer to Catra's question was clear on Adora's face. She didn't want it to be the case, but it was true. She would be scared for Catra. Angry for her. That was the kind of person Adora was, no way around it.

"Right." Catra just shook her head. "I don't even get a goddamn say, huh. I said I had it handled. I have it handled, but people always have to know the details. They beg and beg, and then it's on me to babysit their reactions and manage their stupid perceptions. That's so fucking unfair." 

"I know. I know. I see that." 

"I told you that I put a lot of work into this. I told you that this was for you. I don't want to be treated like it's still happening." Catra finally unclenched her fists, lowering her volume considerably yet still ill disguising how her voice shook. "I… I don't know how else to explain to you that _t-that_ kind of reaction is the only thing that makes me feel worse." 

… It wasn't the same feeling as any other time, no. It was stronger. As she had so many times before, Adora wanted to say those words. To wipe away the hurt she'd caused. 

Except there wouldn't be any taking it back if she did. If she did, it would be from guilt. The first time would be during a moment of pain, and that felt very wrong. Still, she couldn't stop herself from walking up to Catra. 

"You get a say," she said softly. "I’m sorry. We should talk this out."

"I don't want to talk about it."

Adora fought back great surges of shame, as well as the urge to cry. 

"You just spilled your heart out to me. I want to be here for it." 

Giving in to either could only make things worse.

"I- I shouldn't have… You didn't listen."

So she fought to be calm. 

"I'm listening now. I'm hearing you. You told me all this because I wouldn't let it go, and I'm seeing that I shouldn't have pushed." Adora's hands finally found their way onto Catra's shoulders, because thankfully, she won. "I shouldn't have gotten angry. I was making it about my feelings… And I didn't think about yours." 

"Yeah. You didn't."

"What can I do to make this right?"

"You already know what. Tell me you don't see me differently. Tell me nothing's changed."

There was that question again. A question without the answer Catra so desperately craved. Of course it was.

"I… I can't…" Adora bit her lip. 

Predictably, Catra's face fell even further. "... Hah, well." she paused, obviously taking a moment to keep control. "I don't know why the fuck I even asked that. I already knew. I guess I- I guess I was hoping…"

There had to be another solution. There just had to be. Adora wasn't going to lose Catra again. She wasn't going to screw up. 

"Catra- I- you're right that I see you a little differently now, but please hear me out. That's not a completely bad thing. You've clearly done a lot of amazing stuff to get here." 

Catra looked up into Adora's eyes, unconvinced. "So what, I've overcome so much and now I'm some great newsworthy example all because of her? I don't want that either. I tried that _'overcoming'_ shit route and it's not as great as it sounds. People still end up pitying me." 

"No. You're you. You're newsworthy, and I do admire you, but not just because of what you've done. It's also because of who you are, like… Inherently." Adora stroked Catra's cheek. "Knowing all this helps me see that better. You said you have it under control, that's who you are, so I'm going to trust you on that.”

"Yeah, sure…"

"I am. I really mean that. We've all got stuff, Catra. And yeah, maybe I know what yours is now, but all that tells me is the _kind_ of stuff you've handled. That's all it is. There's a difference, but you're still you to me."

There was a miniscule crack in how Catra held herself. A quiet little break.

"I also want you to know that I realize you're probably right that it'll be my first instinct to worry over you more than before," she admitted, sorely wishing it weren't true. "And I’ll probably want to fix things for you, so I'll make a conscious effort to respect that you don't want me doing that. I’ll try to support you in better ways, I promise."

The tiny crack widened further. Catra's expression started to truly fall apart. She wiped several threatening tears from her eyes before any could fall. 

"And… I don't know if this means anything to you right now," Adora continued, "but you really are still perfect to me." 

Because for all the things that had just changed, that had certainly not. It was then Catra caved in and hugged Adora. She buried her face in her chest in a way that confirmed that it meant something huge.

Adora let her cry.

She wasn't wracked with sobs. Catra held her breath when she was this upset, must've gritted her teeth so her shoulders shuddered only once or twice a minute. It wasn't the best display of proper breathing techniques for calming down, although eventually, the tears stopped. 

When Catra was done, she lifted her head, eyes red. 

"I know I'm not always going to get it right, but can you trust me now when I say that I want to?" Adora asked softly. 

"... Yeah. Yeah, I think so." Catra nodded, still coming down from her the rest of her upset. "I… I probably shouldn't have gotten so angry so fast. What I said- how people act, it's true. I still took it all out on you though, and... It's extra loaded today... Uh… I guess what I'm trying to say is- ugh… It's-"

"Apology accepted."

"... Just like that?" 

"Just like that." 

"You're unreal sometimes."

"Maybe." Adora gave her a weak smile. The acceptance came fast because she hadn't expected an apology - not because Catra wasn't capable of giving one. Not only that, but she'd been very right that Adora hadn't respected her wishes. It wasn't Catra's job to relive her whole childhood just because Adora was trying to wrap her head around it. Although, the thought that Catra didn't want to use yelling to solve her problems was certainly comforting. "You should know that you're about something, though."

Catra looked very surprised. "Which is…?"

"When people worry about you, it doesn't always come from pity. Sometimes," Adora brought Catra's hand up, with as much confidence as she could muster, to her heart. "It… Comes from here."

Silence.

Catra stared at the spot. Her hand. Adora's over hers. She splayed her fingers over the fabric of Adora's shirt, considering the gesture, then finally met Adora's eyes. 

"Do you have any idea how much of an idiot you are?"

It really didn't take much, but that was more than enough. Adora was cautiously happy. She was happy because Catra sounded normal again. "I might've forgotten, so why don't you remind me?"

"The biggest one I know. I bet that went reaaal smoothly in your head." 

"It did." 

"And in that weird land you call your brain, it was probably really romantic, huh?" Catra clenched Adora's shirt, pulling her closer. "Did you see that in a movie and go _'oh wow I have to try that'?"_

"Yes to the first question, no to the second one. I came up with it myself. But I'm right, aren't I?"

"It was cheesy, not romant-"

"No no, about what I said," Adora clarified. "You know I'm right about where it comes from." 

Catra must've known. She could tease, but her hand was still there.

"Alright, you're right." Catra gave a little push against Adora's chest, pushing her back to where she was before she'd been tugged forth. "For you, it comes from there." 

And that was a good feeling. Adora didn't even try to hide her joy. "I appreciate that."

"You're an exception." 

That was good to hear.

But there was something that was still on Adora's mind. After all that, she couldn't stand the idea of Catra going back to that woman. Her new happiness dampened quickly. 

_And yes._

_It was an Adora thing._

Teasing each other could only ever stave off the future. Even if Catra could accept it for what it was, Adora wasn't there yet.

"So, how are you planning to deal with… Her... When you go back?"

Catra's own contentment faltered as well.

"I don't know," she eventually sighed. "The usual, probably. Scream at her. Let her scream at me. Avoid each other 90% of the time. It's harder to bully me now I'm an adult, but she'll try. It's mostly just the verbal shit. Mind games." 

"And you're worried you'll be too worked up about that to talk to me. Because of… All that."

"Yeah. That about covers it. I'll be fine. I don't want you to worry about me over break. Like I said, I get pretty low sometimes, especially when she starts shit. But you know now, so if you really want to call and deal with my mood then I guess we can." 

About that. Adora didn't want it to come across like pity. It was very, very important that Catra didn't take it that way. And it wasn't exactly that. It was more worry than anything - that worry from care. 

"If…" _It's that freaking terrible and abusive-_ "She's that uh, difficult… Don't go back? Stay with me."

"You'd… Actually want me here?"

She didn’t need to act so surprised. Of course Adora wanted her around!

"Well, yeah! It's only a couple weeks. And we're already dating! I mean- oh-" Oh indeed. So much time had passed, but it was only then that it occurred to Adora that feeling like she was dating Catra didn't actually make it so. She'd never actually asked. They'd never even discussed it! "Uhhhh- really quick question. We are dating, right?"

“You’re kidding me,” Catra promptly picked her jaw up off the floor. She looked like she’d laugh if she weren’t so amazed. “You aren't sure whether we're dating?”

“I thought so…? But we haven't technically talked about it…"

“You asked me out. We kept seeing each other after that. I literally dressed up to make a good impression on your friend. And we just had a fight that I didn’t walk out of because I’m... Hm, I don’t know, _invested?"_

Adora gave her an uncomfortable smile. “I didn’t want to assume?"

“You didn’t- I-... Honestly, I wonder how many relationships you’ve been in that you didn’t know about. I can’t believe I used to wonder how you were single."

“What’s that mean? How would I be in a relationship without knowing?”

"Jesus Christ, never mind.” Catra took a steadying breath. “Alright genius, yes, we're dating."

There it was! It happened! She said it and she couldn’t take it back! Well- uh, Adora hoped not? Please?

"Oh, good! Great! I mean- uhh,” Adora’s smile turned into a wide and joyous one. “That's what I thought! I knew what was happening. I just had to make sure! I guess I- _well-”_ Catra groaned, but it was largely teasing in nature. She allowed Adora to release her excited babble. Once it subsided though, Adora remembered she still needed an answer. “-aaand so, what do you say, girlfriend?”

Catra’s expression got a little more serious, though not in a bad way. "You're uh, nice to do me a favor like that. Especially after..."

"Shh, don't think of it like that. Think of it more like a vacation. Because like, we’re together and I want to spend time with you." 

A few more moments of consideration passed between them before Catra let herself have the gift.

"Alright," she officially agreed with a tiny nod. "I think I can think of it like that."

"That's great! It's going to be great! We're going to have such a fun time. We can make hot cocoa. We can do gifts. I usually have this nice diiiinner-" that Adora always had with Bow and Glimmer, oh God, "-that we can have together! Yup! It'll be great."

She was still excited though, because that wasn’t a huge issue. It wasn't likely that the dinner would happen at this point. not with the current drama. But hey, at least she could share it with Catra instead! 

"Now I'm actually looking forward to the semester being over. Look at that." 

Gosh, so was Adora. All they really had to get through was a few weeks and finals, then they'd have the entire break to themselves. As shaky the process had been, she now knew more about Catra than ever, and soon enough they'd be able to get even closer. Adora wanted it to be happier the next time around. So perhaps… Perhaps the safety and length of winter break presented the perfect opportunity to finally confess. 

As Catra gazed up at her, for a brief moment, Adora truly believed she could see it staring right back at her. _The look._ It radiated with such warmth that Adora couldn’t tear her eyes away. She didn’t even want to blink, because she didn’t want to risk doing anything that might trigger the warmth to fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh fuck yes


	11. Cold Comforts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This just in: the whole fucking world wants Adora to goddamn _________ _____ _____
> 
> We will return with the answer after the break.

The weeks following becoming official stretched on quite comfortably. 

They were essentially without incidence, which as far as Adora was concerned, technically made them a fight free couple. The new title came with some shiny new perks too, all of which Adora enjoyed. To start, she was generally happier in class. She was also more productive with her work, and though her chances at making the conference had long since sailed, she was still accomplishing more than she'd done in months. It was a good feeling. Maybe next year! 

Of course, the best perks were all about Catra. Adora's _girlfriend_ came over often. In fact, she was opening up more readily than ever, even going so far as to start conversations about her younger years. She only focused on the good parts - the happy little memories, ice cream, zoo trips and whatnot, but it still mattered. It was a wonderful sign of trust. For each time Adora reacted well, the barrier fell just a little more. Hell, Catra had even started falling asleep in Adora’s arms. 

As great as all that was, the thing you’d probably like to know most was that Adora had been right. She’d been right all those weeks ago when she'd experimented with the idea in the Eternia building and she’d been right when she pinned Catra in office just before Scorpia ruined the moment. She’d been proven especially correct after she’d backed Catra up against the dresser following an especially good day of lecturing, closing the space between them with utmost confidence. Adora had expected Catra to push back, to smirk and make Adora melt like she was so skilled at doing. Instead, Catra sputtered her words, grown flustered, turned bright red and looked away. 

_"What's going on?" Adora had pulled Catra’s jaw up, forcing her into eye contact. It happened a little more roughly than intended, but the effect was magnificent. “You can be honest with me."_

_Pupils dilated, Catra struggled to speak. Something between an annoyed hiss and sexually frustrated grunt eventually came out. She'd given it another few dismal tries until finally, “fuck."_

Oh yes, Adora had been so very right.

Catra didn't just like it. In fact, she preferred it.

She practically let Adora be on top that night. She'd had trouble admitting it at first, but eventually, she gave in completely. To the trust. To the communication. To what she wanted. It was a wonderful delight to discover that for all the things Adora could not do, there were some ways in which she could take care of Catra. 

It always started slow. Catra could growl in frustration, sure. She could make all the bratty demands she desired, but it never mattered. She had grudgingly asked to be treated this way and Adora would oblige how she liked, which without fail, was a methodical sort of start. If Catra was waiting for something rough to begin, she would have to wait a little longer.

It made her desperate. Adora loved that. 

Her fingers would ghost up Catra’s thighs as slowly and adoringly as she pleased. She’d run a delicate finger over Catra's wet folds. She’d tease her clit. She’d dip inside and make sure Catra was ready.

When Adora pushed the tip of the toy in this time, she observed each twitch in Catra's expression. She tested with each little movement. She didn't want to go too fast, despite Catra’s urging. Instead, Adora reached back down to massage Catra's clit to ease the process. 

"I fucking h-hate you… Ahhfuck…" 

"I'm sure you do." Adora refrained from finishing that sentence with a term of endearment. During her initial excitement about becoming official, she'd made that mistake with the word “sweetheart” - and swiftly learned that she’d only ever say it once. Apparently, habitual pet names were just for Adora. Adora was idiot. Catra was just Catra. Go figure. 

"... Mmng _shit_ …"

Oh well. Catra could be “sweetheart” inside Adora's head instead. A tiny secret she shared only with herself, perhaps.

"Too much already?" Adora asked, smiling warmly and tilting her head to the side. 

"I'm f-fine, keep- fuck, keep going." Catra looked up at Adora with the cutest mix of annoyance and neediness. So uh, Adora just _had_ to stay still a moment longer, obviously. "If you're going to take this long, maybe I should go back to your neck." 

"Wooow. You know, that was super unfair. If you leave another mark-"

"Then you can wear a turtleneck like the rest of us, asshole."

"Gosh, you're cute." 

"Shut up, I'm not-"

Just a little more, another sharp gasp, and then yet more. More and more until the strap had all but disappeared. Adora allowed another short moment for Catra to relax, and then she began to lightly jog her hips. Catra's breath hitched immediately - thankfully in a very good way. Soon enough and Adora had her palms on either side of Catra's torso, and she'd worked up to a solid pace. Each thrust granted her a wonderful array of involuntary gasps and whimpers.

It was blissful. 

To have nothing but the slick sound of the strap moving in and out at a steady pace.

Well _that_ and the myriad of sexual profanities Catra moaned.

Of course, Catra never could make it easy.

"You're h-holding back." Catra interrupted her rhythm, breathless. 

"I'm not.” Adora cocked an eyebrow. 

She knew where this was going.

Because she absolutely was.

"Y… You could- ahhn, do better," Catra sucked down a deep breath of air so that her next words came out clear, which they did. "Here I was thinking you were going to fuck me, pussy."

And at that, Adora was not. 

Following that taunt, she started driving into Catra without abandon, firmly pinning her wrists and relishing the way Catra's stuttering breaths stuck on her skin. How she fought to be difficult. How she already seemed to be failing. The bed began to rock and the frame began to creak in time with Adora's movements. Catra threw her head back in strained pleasure, biting down hard on her lip in a futile effort to keep quiet. 

Despite the roughness, Adora was still very much so herself.

"Are-" and it was mostly between thrusts, "you okay?" 

_"Y-Yes… God- fucking- yes…!"_

Although Adora wasn't always exactly certain what Catra was answering, none of the possibilities seemed bad. Catra's eyes were shut tight. Her wrists flexed beneath Adora's weight. Her small whines turned to uncontrollable moans - she was flushed and so, so breathtaking. Adora's heart could've burst. She simply couldn't stop her own desires from spilling out. 

_"God, you look so amazing like this."_

_"Do you know that?"_

_"Beautiful."_

She sang every praise she could think of. Every reassurance. How gorgeous. How wonderful. How kind she could be. And of course that she was perfect, because Adora would never forget that. When she inevitably ran out of new compliments, and when the repetitions didn't do her heart justice any longer, she strayed naughtier.

_"You deserve everything."_

_"So I'm going to give it to you."_

_"Do you think you can take it for me?"_

And something about all that sparked neediness in Catra. It always did.

"D-Dirtier..." Catra gasped out the request. Another sudden interruption, but this time without tease. It was almost pleading. 

The first time Catra had given in and asked for that, Adora felt so taken aback that she almost stopped moving. She lost all her rhythm. Being dominant- _taking physical control_ was one thing. That had felt like it could be done caringly. Again, Adora had done that before, though it hadn't been often. 

The verbal game felt like an entirely different challenge. Catra had plenty of lines, sure - but they came out so naturally when it was her. Call her old fashioned, but Adora had almost never engaged with sex like that. She'd danced around the idea. Dipped into it some. Teased a little, yet she'd hardly delved much deeper than calling Catra difficult. Overwhelming praise came much easier than anything Adora perceived as even a little harsh. So when she tried to speak to Catra in that new way, it came out so embarrassingly badly that she wanted to hide her face and never reappear.

But that had been the first time.

"A-Adora," and then with great frustration, "fucking do it…" 

This was not the first time.

Adora didn’t miss a beat. She brought her face close to Catra's. There was that familiar, intoxicating smell. Adora could just live there, right next to Catra. She could stay there forever and be happy. She'd give anything for that. 

"Do what, Catra? I don't think you're in a position to make demands." 

And she did. She gave everything.

It almost came out gravely. Almost. It was well rehearsed. She’d long since accepted that this sort of thing was both important to Catra and a sign of her vulnerability, and so she kept working hard to provide. The experience Adora had accrued over the last few weeks in particular had helped her figure out most of Catra’s kinks. 

_"Fuck."_ Catra rasped.

Adora's eyes widened. The way Catra moved- the way she reacted. It was her whole body and it practically controlled Adora. She drew back a few inches only to quickly plunge right back in, working up to an even faster pace of short and powerful thrusts. 

She continued, keeping her lips as close to Catra's ear as she could manage. The closeness made it easier to speak clearly, but she still had to focus. 

"You could always ask politely," and though her arms burned from the positioning, she was not about to leave the comfort of Catra's scent. "You know that I listen. Why don't you try that?" 

Catra shuddered heavily before giving a very weak no. 

"I think," Adora moved her grip from Catra's wrists up to her hands, interlocking their fingers. It was to satiate her own need for connection more than anything. "You're going to reconsider. Admit it. You want to."

"Shit- f-fucking- fuckkkk…"

"You should've told me you wanted me to do this to you earlier." By that point, Adora was more than confident enough to fulfill Catra's fantasy. "I knew you were needy," she whispered as harshly as she could muster, snapping her hips forth particularly roughly. "But I still can’t believe it’s this much. _You could've just let me have you this way from the start."_

Adora didn't even think about how she might've sounded. Ridiculous or hot, it didn't matter. It didn't matter at all because it worked. 

The Catra's last thread of resolve finally broke. "More. Please."

In an instant, Adora was just as lost as the woman beneath her. She was lost in the overpowering way in which Catra writhed. 

_"Don't stop… Don't f-fucking stop…! Please don't- oh fuck…! Fuck!”_

The way she begged to be pounded.

"If you don't keep saying that, I will." Adora commanded between heavy pants, determined not to cross any lines regarding consent.

Catra clutched so tightly to Adora's hands that they hurt. 

_"Don't s-stop!"_

Adora didn't notice at all.

“Keep saying it.”

She pushed Catra right to the edge.

 _"Don't you dare fucking stop!"_ Please would never last long, huh? _"Don't you- don't you dare…! Adora-!"_

One slight adjustment in how she angled her thrusts and then she had Catra toppling right over it. She arched her back. Somehow, she tightened her grip on Adora's hands even more, not that Adora wanted to let go, as a drawn out, desperate moan escaped her lips. It was mesmerizing, so much so it was halfway over before Adora's brain registered exactly what was happening. She released Catra's hands so that she could securely hold her through the remainder of her orgasm. She kept her hips moving until the finish, but only just. 

"You're perfect," the praise swiftly returned, "and I've got you. I'm here." 

Adora arms remained protectively wrapped around Catra for a long time. When the shakiest breaths finally fell away, she left comforting kisses everywhere she could reach. Catra almost seemed weak when she was like this. It was a side only Adora was allowed to see and aside she never wanted to share. 

After a minute or so of the soft affection, Catra opened her eyes. Her entire face was sweaty and flushed from the rush. "Hey..."

"Hey you. Are you alright? Was it good?" Adora asked with renewed softness and a fresh smile. 

"... Mmm yeah," Catra looked up at Adora, returning the smile with her own lazy yet self satisfied smirk. "You were hot." 

“I never thought you’d admit it.”

“Shut up or I’ll take it back.”

Adora laughed and pulled the strap out, eliciting a low groan from Catra. Then she sat up on her knees to take off the toy. Once removed, she settled next to Catra. They didn't even need to speak to fall into position. Catra rolled onto her side, still panting lightly, and Adora pressed up behind her until they were in a tight spooning position. It had become instinct for them the past few weeks. Natural. 

They'd swapped roles once, but Catra had complained about _"feeling like a jetpack.”_ Adora had thought that was simply adorable. Catra, less so. Oh well. Adora had come to accept that while she was many things, little spoon was not one of them. That was okay though. 

She wrapped an arm around Catra's waist and let herself fall back into her scent. “What was the best part?”

"Hmm? What are you, taking notes?"

Well...

"Um. I do, actually.” Adora admitted, glad Catra couldn’t see her undoubtedly embarrassed face. “I write stuff down when I get ideas. Or when something works well. It’s mostly the stuff I say. I'm not uh, I'm not always sure about how to do that part on the spot yet."

“Shit, seriously? You actually write lines down? You’re such an idiot," Catra laughed, light and relaxed. Adora marveled at how beautiful her shoulders looked as they rose and fell. "Notes. Christ, who even are you...”

“I want to make you happy.”

“You do, dummy. Okay, fine. I liked the bit where- _ugh-_ the demands thing. Don’t make me repeat myself.”

“I won’t.” Happiness flooded into Adora’s heart. She nuzzled closer. “Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.”

After a few minutes of cuddling, Adora realized Catra was falling asleep. In Adora's arms again. How cute. But also-

“Catra, uh-...” Not sweetheart. Not baby. Not honey. “You can’t sleep right now.” When nothing happened, she ran her hand up to Catra's shoulder and lightly shook it. "Seriously, we have to get up.”

Catra grumbled something completely incomprehensible. At least she was awake.

“I need to get everything ready and you should study irrigation techniques." Adora continued.

Another grumble. Something about not needing to. 

"Catra," Adora kissed the side of her neck with a little more force than usual. Catra gasped. "Don’t be ridiculous. You didn’t know them before. I know you’ve probably pretty much got the A already, but you shouldn’t risk it.” 

"Hah…" Now very awake, Catra turned over so she was facing Adora. Instead of being grumpy, she actually wore a sheepish smile. "You're my worst class, technically speaking." Sorry, what!? "It's the easy ones I underestimate, so I need an 88 on the final to get an A and not an A-."

Oh. _Oh._ Wow. Worst class. A and not an A-, oh nooo. As much of a perfectionist as Adora tended to be, she couldn't quite follow Catra's logic there. Catra was on another level. 

"You've really done the math, haven't you?"

"Hell yeah," Catra's smile grew. "I even have a spreadsheet." 

Another level indeed. 

"Well if it's your worst class then you should definitely study a little more."

“Don't think so. I'm not screwing up again. I know enough to get an 88 without studying immigration.”

“Irrigation.” Adora corrected, though she knew Catra heard her right the first time. _This woman._

“Immigration, irrigation. Whatever. I just want it to be over. It's my last final."

“You know I wrote the test, right? You should probably listen.”

“You wouldn’t tell me anything you hadn’t told everyone else. I’ll take my chances.”

Well. She wasn’t wrong. Catra just hadn’t studied much was all, so Adora couldn’t help but to worry. Still, Catra also wasn’t wrong that Adora’s exam was not going to be as difficult as literally any of her STEM finals. If Catra said she had it under control...

"Okay,” Adora gave Catra a resigned smile. “You win. No more review, but we still need to get up."

Then Catra had it under control.

"Aw, you're really going to make me?" Catra rested a hand on Adora's cheek. It wasn't often she did such a thing. Adora forgot how to breathe for a second - just for a second.

"Yup. I'm really going to make you."

Catra groaned, but finally sat up. Adora watched her slide out of bed and begin to dress. She almost forgot to get up herself. She followed Catra’s example, donning on all the basics before moving to her closet.

"I'm going out tonight, by the way." 

She opened it. There weren’t too many options, but there were enough for two. “Partying?”

And she was choosing for two.

"Yep, everyone's very excited finals are ending and they want to get fucked up before heading home. It’s kind of a tradition.”

Catra just didn’t know it yet.

"Alright," Adora turned around, a down coat in one hand and a heavy sweater in the other. “When should I get you tomorrow?"

"They kick us out of the dorms at 3, so around then I guess.” Catra narrowed her eyes. “What’s that?”

“Jacket or sweater?”

“For you?”

Adora raised an eyebrow. She’d never asked for clothing advice. “You. You didn’t bring anything warm to wear.”

“Don’t need it. It’s just here to the car and then the car to the dorm.”

Nope. That wasn’t going to do. 

Adora made her way to the door, dropping the coat on Catra’s head as she passed. She couldn’t help but to smile. Once she got the darn thing on, neither could Catra.

\--- 

The lecture hall was packed to capacity. 

_Well hello to everyone who only showed up for quizzes and tests!_

The atmosphere was agitated, especially among many of the freshmen. They hadn’t quite gotten the hang of exam season yet and were obnoxiously loud. Catra sat in her usual seat. She went from looking pissed at students who just wouldn’t shut up...

Adora could help with that. “I understand that you’re all very excited to finish the course, but I’m going to need you all to be silent now the exams are being distributed.”

… To positively bored while waiting for the TAs to finish passing out the final. 

Adora couldn’t really help with that one.

Soon enough though, everyone was testing. 

The first few students finished in about 25 minutes. Adora would never understand how people managed such feats, but they did. Sometimes they even did well. Much to her delight, a good chunk of students who finished early came up to say their hushed goodbyes to Adora. As the end of the allotted time finally neared, she guessed that about a third of the students remained. 

Catra was obviously one of them. Though she pretended to check her answers, she was clearly very done. Scorpia gave her, then Adora, a funny look as she handed in her own test. Scorpia had been very odd in general, actually. She was the only part of the new and improved lecture that made Adora uneasy. She watched Adora… Differently after the office incident. 

_"Pfft, come on, Adora. Everyone does that. It's called paying attention. I know that's a little new for you, but try not to panic too much at the idea."_

_"No, I mean really intensely." Adora sighed. "Like, I look at her and she won't look away. I always give in first. I look back a few seconds later and she's still there… Watching me."_

_"Ah..." Catra's teasing expression almost disappeared, but it quickly came surging back. "Well maybe if you hadn't practically flashed her, she wouldn't stare so much."_

_"You think I wanted to flash her?" Adora felt her face begin to burn._

_"I don't know. You might be into that sort of thing."_

She left though. Walked out normally with her strange crush (or whatever it was) and all. It wasn’t long after her departure that the time ran out and the hall began clearing for the final time. The TAs were able to collect the last of the tests and sorted them into piles for grading. After a short back and forth in which Adora insisted on helping with at least some of the tests, they disappeared too.

Catra still lounged in her seat, almost inviting. A familiar figure in a familiar room at the end of an era. 

"I guess that's it, huh?" Adora called up to her, a good portion of the exams in her arms. 

"Yeah. I guess so."

"I’ll miss seeing your face."

“You’ll see it plenty. Besides," Catra smiled, “just one more semester..."

_Then they'd be free._

"That's right." Adora decided to take the apparent invitation. She walked up to and then entered Catra's row. It felt kind of strange after a whole semester of Catra coming down to her, but it was a good strange. It felt right. Kind of… Even. "Anyways, how do you think you did?"

"Pretty great." 

"Easy test for you?"

"Piece of cake." 

"Tasty cake?"

"Hm, kind of old. Ancient, actually.”

Oh hah hah. 

"Uh huh." Adora bent over and braced a hand on the back of Catra’s chair. “Well… One for the road?”

It was another silent agreement. Adora had learned how to read Catra's cues by then, and so wasn't at all surprised when Catra pulled Adora down a little further and into an impossibly sweet kiss. It was much different than their first, also in that very lecture hall. Their first had felt desperate - this felt at home. Even Catra remained soft for the whole thing, and while Adora did not want it to end, it had to. The few inches of distance felt too real. There was just something about the end of the semester...

They both looked down at the exams still tightly clutched in one of Adora's arms. Their only real barrier. It wasn't really a thought, she just straightened up and started flipping through them. Lucky (or unlucky) for her, Catra's was in there.

She stared at it. 

Catra stared at her.

Part of Adora still felt nervous about grading anything of Catra's. She could easily hand it off to one of the TAs. 

But who was she kidding? 

Catra was too smart to have not gotten her A. Besides, if she had any issues at all, she'd just take them straight to Adora. It'd end up full circle no matter what Adora did. 

Adora looked back down at Catra. "Do you have a couple more minutes?"

It was a stupid question. Catra was sitting there waiting. Then again, it was also polite. 

"Yeah?"

"I don't think there's a chance anyone else is coming in. I want to do something for you."

Adora sat next to Catra, plopping the rest of the exams down to the side. Catra held herself differently next to Adora. It was like she didn’t know what to do with herself with Adora right there. She even fidgeted. 

Especially when she realized what Adora was doing. "You don't have to-"

"Let me do this for you, miss spreadsheet." And before retaliation for the tease could come, "can I borrow a pen?"

Catra remained mostly silent while watching her test get graded. Watching. Even that also felt different than how it used to. Honestly, everything did. Being alone in the lecture hall had never felt so ghostly before. It started something in Adora's stomach. _Huh._

Thankfully, good tests were easy to grade. Without many mistakes, Adora could just fly through them. Catra was undoubtedly in the clear, but Adora took extra time with each question just to make sure she wasn't assuming. She clicked the pen as she read. Catra didn't comment on the sound. Her eye didn't even twitch. 

_There still might've been some bias, but for once, Adora didn't fret over it. It would be the difference between a mid A and a high A at most._

Her phone went off once in the middle of grading. She didn’t even glance at it, choosing instead to hand it over to Catra.

"It's Bow," Catra read off the screen. "He wants to know what the plans are for Christmas dinner are this year. You usually have it with him?" 

Adora truly hadn't expected that to go anywhere. It made her pause for a moment. 

"And Glimmer. I’ll call him after this. Don't worry about it."

“Got it.” 

Catra returned the phone. She said nothing of what just happened, and so silence returned for the next several minutes. Eventually though, done was done. There were no more questions to reassess. 

"Can I get a drum roll?"

"Nope. Tell me."

Adora did a little one with her fingers anyways. Kept it up an extra second too, if only to annoy Catra. 

"It's a 97," she said with a smile. "You were right. You knew enough. Way more than enough. 

Catra smiled right back. "Well duh. Was that ever a question?"

Well no, but Adora didn't have time to say so. Catra leaned over again and-

 _Two for the road._

Her fingers wound into Adora's hair, slowly but surely ruining the ponytail Adora worked so hard to maintain. Catra started rising out of her seat, climbing into Adora's lap. 

Then Catra moaned. 

It came out so loudly in the empty room that it sent a shiver down Adora's spine. 

Catra forced herself to pull away from both Adora's lap and lips. "We're not fucking in here,” she said sternly, mostly to herself. It was a surprise show of self restraint. "That's just asking for it."

"Yup. Totally right, um..." _Maybe…?_ No, Adora. Bad Adora. Who the hell had she become? She cleared her throat and hastily stood up to fully break the tension, then picked up the tests from the floor with shaking hands. "Good call." 

Once she had, Catra got up too. "So… I think we're at that point."

They were. There was nothing else to do. The exam was done. Catra's was graded. They'd even successfully not had sex. 

"Well," Adora shuffled her feet, "it's early, but I guess you're probably going to go meet your friends now. Hang out and all that... Have fun?"

Catra's face broke into a devious grin at the suggestion. "You could come out with us tonight. I think they'd be thrilled to see you get drunk."

She could, that was true.

"I don't think I should give anyone any ideas," Adora smiled back, albeit much more weakly. "Thanks though."

But she didn't exactly have a good track record when it came to being drunk with Catra. The last thing she needed was to start kissing her in front of half a dozen of her friends. 

"So what are you going to do?" Catra asked.

Adora held up the exams. "Go home and start grading the rest of these." 

"Oh come on, give yourself a break and do it tomorrow. Grading can't be fun."

No fun, huh. Catra was probably right about that. Grading didn’t bother her that much, but perhaps a night off of everything was fair.

"Maybe I'll take one of those bubble baths you insist I like."

"I think that's a good idea. Don't forget the wine." 

"I won't. I'll see you tomorrow around 3, okay?" 

Catra approached to initiate one last kiss, this time pressing it to Adora's cheek. It was another rare occurrence that Adora would treasure forever. "Okay. See you at 3."

Another fifteen seconds.

Then the lecture hall was empty. 

For all the excitement she had for break, Adora didn't know why she also felt sadness. Actually, for all the excitement she had for break, Adora didn't understand why most of what she felt at that moment was sadness. It wasn't the sharp kind. It didn't even throb. It was a slow, flowing kind of sadness. Healthy, she hoped. Maybe it was the classroom. She'd be moved somewhere else next semester. Maybe it was Catra. She wouldn't see Catra in the sea of faces anymore. 

It felt like some part of life's normalcy had been stripped from her. Things were just moving right along, weren't they? That was life. 

Catra would get into graduate school next semester and then…

It was probably nothing. Irrational. They'd figure it out when the time came. What mattered at that moment was that she'd see Catra in less than 24 hours. They'd have a wonderful time and everything would be great. She'd tell Catra she loved her and everything would work out. 

Yeah, everything would be great. 

Adora pushed the feeling away. She was happy when she was with Catra. Catra would be with her soon. Then she'd be happy, and that was the only logic that mattered. 

Well, almost. 

Adora remembered to dial Bow when she was halfway to the car. He picked up within two rings. “Hey, Bow!" 

She was still a little off. Did that sound natural? 

_“Hey! How are you!?"_

Guess so. 

"Pretty good. Finals just ended and break's officially started, so that's nice." 

_"About that. I'm sure you saw, but I’m wondering how this is going to work this year. Especially with… Well. I thought we should talk about it. Any ideas?"_

Right. Adora reached the parking lot. She wasn't too sure what to say, so maybe that's all she should say. 

"Uh, I'm not sure."

_"I was thinking that I can probably convince Glimmer to drop the rope for a day. I might be wrong but if it’s just us-"_

Her immediate reaction was a sharp twist in her stomach. Because no. Just- no. It startled her. 

“Actually Catra’s staying with me," Adora replied far too quickly. "I was thinking I’d have it with her.”

_“Oh…"_

And that was far too quiet. 

“Or we could all get together. That’s also an option.”

Adora made it to the car. She opened up the driver's side and unceremoniously dumped the exams on the other seat. Why was she so agitated? 

_“Adora… Are you sure about that?”_

And the car was on. She wouldn't drive though, not until she was off call. 

“Um… Not really," she admitted. "If you can convince her to be polite, then I guess it’s fine. We’ll figure something out. If not, then I’ll eat with Catra.”

There was silence on the other end for a good ten seconds. 

Bow's voice came out almost resigned, sad even. _“I’d really like to see you.”_

Adora didn't like her sadness to think her sadness was infectious. She struggled to speak. 

Eventually though, and with a little voice cracking, “and you will, Bow. I promise you will. This is… It's just that it's up to Glimmer, not me. It’s better she sees that this is serious before she makes a decision about dinner."

More silence. 

Bow sighed on the other end of the line. _“You know I can’t tell her that. You have to. It’s been weeks, Adora. This whole refusing to talk to each other thing has gone on too long. I can only do so much."_

“Bow…”

He was right though. 

_"Can you please be the bigger person? At least text her where you stand. I don't care what you say, just say something."_

He shouldn't have to play messenger. 

"Alright. I'll text her." 

_“Thank you.”_ Bow said it with such relief. _"I've got to get back to work, but I'll text you later."_

Yet Adora only felt sadder. “I’ll… I’ll talk to you soon, Bow.”

_“Goodbye for now.”_

He hung up first. Adora stared at her phone screen for another good fifteen seconds before finally pulling up her very old chat with Glimmer. She felt a twinge of guilt for not texting, but quickly pushed it aside. What was she supposed to do?

(2:35 p.m.)

 _ **Adora:** I know we haven't talked in a while, but Bow thinks I should fill you in. He's right. If he hasn't already told you, Catra and I are together. She's staying with me over break. I love her and I’m pretty sure she loves me. You have to find a way to accept that or we're not going to make it. I'm not spending anymore time defending my decision to you. You can come to dinner and try to fix our friendship, or we can part ways._

Maybe it was short considering everything else that had happened. Maybe it was harsh. Maybe ultimatums were bad. But it wasn't like Glimmer had texted either. 

_Adora always thought they'd try anything to keep the friendship alive, but when push came to shove… They both stopped._

At that thought, Adora pressed send. She expected nothing of it, not even a reply. As far as she was concerned, Glimmer had already decided to end their friendship. She'd slowly come to that conclusion over the past few weeks. Honestly, she wasn't even sure how willing she was to hear Glimmer out. 

If a stalemate went on long enough, it tended to become the new normal. Things were already starting to feel normal for Adora. Hell, part of her hoped Glimmer didn't text back. She didn't want to be berated. 

She didn't deserve to be treated like that. 

She...

Against her better judgement, Adora's heart began aching in a way it hadn't in quite a while. It wasn’t really in her control, alright? She just didn't like to think about Glimmer. At least she had Bow. Catra made her happy too. Maybe Adora could work on making some new friends. Talk to more colleagues. 

She waited.

For a second, despite truly believing the friendship to be over, she betrayed herself with a tiny amount of hope that Glimmer would apologize. 

Read. No reply. No little bubbles either. 

Be the bigger person. Well guess what? It didn't matter how big Adora could be if there wasn't anyone on the other end. 

She put away her phone and pulled out of the lot. 

It was fine that Glimmer was done. Adora had just decided she was okay with it. So she was. 

Really. 

Fine.

It was fine.

Just fine.

Because Adora was done too.

She went home, feeling far heavier than she would've liked. The evening was long, but it was made a little shorter by Catra's various texts. She kept Adora up to date now. She sent photos of all the things she was doing. The food she was eating. The drinks she was having. Some blurry faces of the people she was with. Adora didn't particularly care for the detail, but it was wonderful to see Catra happy. Catra being happy made Adora happy, and it was about the only thing that successfully distracted her from Glimmer. In fact, it was literally the only thing that had ever successfully distracted her from Glimmer. 

Adora had that bath.

She put the exams aside for one night and sunk in, wine and all. If she was going to be that person then she might as well own up to it. It helped more than she wished to admit. 

After yet another photo of flashing lights and shots came in at about 1:30, she called it. It didn't look like Catra would be going home at all, so Adora texted her goodnight and thought that would be that. She climbed into bed more than ready to sleep. The sooner she got to tomorrow, the better. 

Her phone read 3:11 when it rang. 

_Because of course it rang. What would her life be if it didn't?_

Adora rolled over, uncoordinated in her struggle to find the torturous device. 

Eventually though, she did. She raised the phone to her ear. “Mmm… Hello?”

_“Heyyy....”_

Adora sat up straight in bed, already no longer groggy. “Catra?”

A thousand possibilities ran through her mind, each more awful than the last. Look, what would you think? Adora could come up with no good reason for such a call.

 _“So ‘m outside… It’s-”_ there was the sound of shuffling, then a bit of muffled swearing, _“-can y… Oh fuck I’m… No, no. I’mmm good... Great. Ugh…”_

“Hold on, you’re outside?" Adora slid out of bed, navigating through the darkness and to her dresser to find a pair of pants. "I'll be right there. Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

_“Where would I go? I-Idiot... “_

The moment she'd managed to get something on, she went straight to the front door and opened it. It was freezing. Like damn, the windshield of the car had completely iced over. There Catra was, still wearing Adora's coat and swaying in the driveway. Her face lit up the moment she saw Adora.

She was also holding flowers. 

"Catra…? What are you even doing here? And where did you get-”

Catra staggered forth. Adora caught her by the shoulders and held her upright, but Catra didn’t seem to notice. She just held up the flowers. Camellia. Winter bloom. Adora literally only recognized them because they were from her neighbor’s yard and he wouldn’t shut up about them. It looked like Catra had haphazardly pulled as many off as she could to create a messy bouquet.

“Y-You said I forgot one time… So I got them. Do… Shit. Do youu like them?”

 _Stolen or not, they were still perfect._

Adora broke out into a smile. "I love them," but she didn't forget the state they were in. "Can you tell me why you're here? This wasn't what I had in mind when I said I'd see you at 3."

"Good. Good. Uhhhyeah… Theyy wanted to stay… Put me in an Uber to d-dorm," Catra explained very seriously, although her breath reeked in a way that Adora simply could not take seriously at all. "I said no to the driver. Instead, uhh… Took me here." Her face scrunched into confusion. "I am here, righht…?"

"Yes, silly. You're here. It's freezing outside though, so come on. I’m going to get you inside." Adora moved one of her arms down behind Catra's knees. "Hold on to the flowers."

And with that, Adora scooped her off her feet and into a snug bridal carry. 

For once, Catra made no real fuss. She gave in immediately, resting her head against Adora and holding the flowers close to her chest. "I w-wanted to see youu." 

"That's awfully cute of you." 

It was amazing Catra had managed to tolerate the cold for so long. Adora turned back to the welcoming warmth of the house. 

"Dooon't make a big deal about it…"

The door was less welcoming with Catra in her arms though, and she struggled with the handle. 

"I would never." 

Still, it wasn't long before she managed to open it enough to at least stick her foot between it and the frame. 

"And yyou're not taking care of m-me…"

Then she pushed it all the way open. 

"You're so right," Adora agreed with the tiniest smile. "I'm not taking care of you at all."

The woman in her arms fell into indiscernible mumbling after that. Adora took a moment to secure her hold on Catra just a little more before making her way into not only the safety of the house, but also the ever hopeful promise of winter break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**L O V I N G L Y P L O W T H E M**_  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> and tenderly carry them into her house.


	12. Tell Me How You Really Feel Pt. 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well shit. This week is just one ongoing heart attack lmaoo. Happy Thursday, everyone.

_"I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you this. I didn't want it to be too early, but now I'm realizing I don't want to risk being too late either. So here goes nothing. Catra, the first time we talked, I never would’ve guessed that we’d become this close. Now that we have, I don’t think I’ve met anyone as wonderful as you. You’re crazy smart, strong, and although you won't admit it, sweet. I feel so incredibly lucky to have gotten to know you these last through months, and all I ever want to do is hear more. When I think about what makes me truly happy, you’re always the first thing that comes to mind. I want you to know how I really feel. I love you, Catra. I love you more than I thought possible."_

Done.

Adora made sure to pin the note before clicking her phone screen off. She knew it wasn’t the most eloquent speech, but you know what it was? Organic. It flowed out of her heart like water. She'd already decided she was going to tell Catra how she really felt, but it was then and there, watching Catra slowly stir in the morning light, that Adora finally decided _how and when._

No other time would do. She wasn't going to let it out until they shared that perfect moment. Until then, she'd have to settle for nonverbal expressions of love. 

Those were easy. 

So easy. 

To kiss the edge of Catra's lips, running fingers through her hair until her eyes opened. Adora could drink the sight in for days and never have enough. 

"Good morning," she whispered. "Would you like me to make some breakfast?" 

_"Mmmfor real?"_ Even in Catra's sleepy state, it was like she could hardly believe it. 

"Super for real," Adora kissed her forehead, then made to quietly exit the bedroom. "Give me a few and I'll be back." 

Catra had been right to be surprised that Adora could cook. It hadn't been an easy feat, but it was a challenge she'd overcome. Back when she was first learning how to not succumb to the awful fate of starvation, she'd gone to the store and essentially wasted two weeks' worth of grocery money on common food items to practice with. 

One prime example?

Eggs. She bought a 36 pack of eggs to practice with. She went through 22 of them before she was able to crack them without messing it all up. Yes, Catra definitely had a point, but her jokes were years late in that regard. 

Mm. That was a good memory. Adora had a lot of support that day. Bow and Glimmer-

Well. Anyways. 

She made (turkey, just because she was trying to lower her own red meat intake) bacon and eggs for breakfast this time. Simple. Simple was probably best.

It was hardly a surprise that when Adora returned to the bedroom to find a frazzled Catra slowly clawing herself up and into a sitting position, she was overwhelmed with the urge to confess. Sure, Catra had bags under her eyes, but she was practically too stunning to resist. 

And yet once again, Adora did. As she had many, many times before, she held the verbal declaration of love in and let the physical expression pour out instead.

_It was going to be hard to make it to that perfect moment, wasn't it._

"Long night?" 

Catra gingerly rubbed the side of her head. "Uh yeah, you could say that." 

Adora placed the plate and silverware on the nightstand, then decided _why not_ and joined Catra in bed by swinging a leg over her torso to playfully straddle her. 

“Am I-” Catra stopped nursing her head, eyes wide. “-am I not eating? What am I missing?"

"You," Adora started, leaning down as though she was going to tenderly kiss her. As though being key there. "Should brush your teeth first." 

"Oh fuck off." Catra pushed Adora away by her face, making her laugh as she rolled off and to the side. 

"And put on deodorant," she added once she'd settled next to Catra to cuddle her. 

"I'm eating now then, fuck you and fuck your demands."

"And change your clothes."

"I'll dump the eggs on the bed." Catra warned.

That shut Adora up. She was still very happy though, all cuddled up to Catra’s side while she ate. It was peaceful and quiet. Adora found herself lost in thought and feeling. She imagined what it would be like to be with Catra forever. When she was young, _very young,_ she used to fantasize about the idea of soulmates. Sure, other interests eventually took over, but that lingering desire for a connection like no other remained.

After only a couple minutes of eating, Catra’s phone rang, breaking Adora’s reverie. She placed the plate on her lap to pick up the call - a dangerous move, for it was an open invitation for Adora to steal some of the bacon. 

Was it still bacon though? Technically speaking?

Whatever. 

"What's up?"

Catra didn't look concerned this time, not like that day with her stepmother. In fact, she seemed almost relaxed. 

Much, much too relaxed for Adora's liking. 

She really has grown confident these last couple months. She abandoned the bacon in favor of sitting up a little and eyeing Catra's neck. 

"Yeah- look- I'm obviously not dead. I'm talking to you right now."

She approached slowly, letting the comfort of Catra's smell wash over her. Catra shivered at how Adora's breath washed over her.

"I- _fuck._ N-No, I'm not in my room. Stop trying to break in. I'll have to pay for any damage you numbskulls cause. I crashed at a friend's. They were closer." 

Well that was very interesting. Adora was a friend, was she? Amusing. She chanced a short kiss, open just enough for her teeth to graze over Catra's skin. 

_"I swear to God._ I mean, I swear to God, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

At that, Catra held up a hand to stop Adora. Fair, but darn. "Okay, how does my coat have anything to do with it? I'm fine. Listen to me, Scorpia. Hear me speaking to you. I am fine."

Adora pulled back to watch Catra's expression. At that point, it was more annoyed than neutral. Not because of Adora, of course. 

"Yeah, I have to go. I've got- something I need to be doing. No, seriously. _Seriously,"_ and after a pause, Catra breathed a sigh of relief. "Yep, thanks. Talk soon."

Call over, she tossed her phone to the other side of the bed and gave Adora an entirely unconvincing glare. She couldn’t suppress the edge of her smirk. It was adorable in combination with her annoyance. “When the hell did you learn to do that?”

“Oh, call it a stroke of genius. Who was that?” 

"Sure. You, a genius.” Catra rolled her eyes at the thought. “It was Scorpia. She's making a big deal out of last night. It's fine, it'll blow over during break. It's not the first time she's gotten worried after a night like that. It's good though, she forgets pretty fast."

Adora really couldn't blame Scorpia. Catra's most recent behavior must've looked quite odd. "I worry about you too, you know. She just cares."

"I know, I know. I'll catch up with her later today. Now can you please, please," Catra dipped into a growl. She more than done with the serious conversation. "Get past the teasing and fuck me."

For a second, Adora considered chiding Catra for not being more transparent with Scorpia. It wasn't good to lie to friends! 

Then she remembered. 

Well _in that case…_

Adora was done with the serious stuff too.

That time was easy. 

It was more than manageable to let the love come out in other ways that time, but she guessed her plan would be tested many more times before she made it to the special moment.

She was right. 

The next time the urge to confess came over her, gosh it was _so_ romantic (you would've loved to be there), they were lying in front of the gas fire. It seemed so perfect. There they were, Catra with her back to the flames, facing Adora. Adora facing Catra. Adora never really used the fire before Catra came around, but the way Catra was attracted to its comfort was so irresistible that Adora even brought up a blanket for them to lay on. 

“You were that upset?” 

They’d been having a wonderful time like that. They shared stories. Whispered about, you know, whatever. Eventually though, Adora had the pleasure of learning precisely what kind of student Catra was. 

Ready for it?

Catra was not a 4.0 student.

Adora audibly gasped, her mouth hanging open. She couldn’t believe it - that was until Catra provided more context. No, she was a 3.993 student, a fact that greatly bothered her. She swore she deserved that 4.0. To be honest, she was probably right.

“It was the worst fucking day of my life.” Catra groaned, though her soft eyes told an entirely different tale regarding how she was actually feeling. “All because one dickwad didn’t show up to the final presentation. I knew I should’ve done his part. He said he would, then he didn’t. I never let that shit happen anymore.”

Worst screw up, huh? Frankly, that was pretty small. Adora felt a sheepish smile creep onto her face. “I wish that was my worst mess up in college.” 

That more than piqued Catra’s interest. “Uh huh. Now you have to tell me.”

Adora had walked into that one. Oh well. 

“Alright,” she started, “well I was in my first semester-”

“Obviously.”

“-and I had this huge research proposal paper in my technical writing class. I did And you know what I forgot to copy and paste in? The bibliography.”

Man, it didn’t hurt to think about, but talking about it was another matter. Ouch. She even cringed, then made a mental note that still needed to do some letting go on that one. 

“Jesus fuck, Adora. I’d kill myself.”

“I know the feeling,” she chuckled darkly. “Anyway, the day after that, I went crying to my professor. I was afraid I was going to get expelled for plagiarism. So we talked and she seemed really understanding, said it was an honest mistake and all that. She told me she’d accept an updated copy and not report me to the Honor Council.”

“At least it worked out?”

“Sort of. The catch was that she’d take 50% off the new version for being late. So uh, that happened.”

“Holy. Shit. You actually are stupid. Oh fuck, Adora. I-...” Catra started to uncontrollably laugh. It was beautiful, and so as embarrassed as she was, Adora couldn’t help but to smile even more. “You know, I feel a lot better about myself now.”

Adora didn't consider her example of nearly bombing a course to be that comparable with Catra's crappy group member, but she supposed even her major mistake hadn't ended up mattering in the long run. 

“Wellll, I still got a PhD. _So._ "

“Mm, you did.” Catra began tracing along Adora’s jaw. “I guess that means you’re the smartest idiot I know.”

It was hot. Too hot. Too hot because of the fire. Too hot because of their shared body heat. Too hot because of Catra.

And yet, Adora shuffled closer regardless, feeling it rise up in her chest all over again.

… That time?

That time, it had been a little harder to make it through.

The night was endless. Endlessly perfect.

But it was no time for a speech.

And Adora was going to do that speech. 

Really, she was one day before Christmas and she still hadn't broken. Success! Then again, it was also worth considering how frustrating it was to keep holding it in. Adora even wondered if perhaps she should’ve let it out sooner. Don't be confused, she was still incredibly happy. She was thrilled. It's just that she was also so very desperate to tell Catra the truth. 

To make the moment perfect. 

Yeah, Adora was totally overthinking it. 

She'd spent so much time overthinking her soon to be confession that she failed to remember some of the most basic Christmas essentials. No, not the gift. That might come as a surprise, because gifts, as you know, were not exactly Adora's forte… You might remember that she’d no clue what to get Catra for their first agreed upon date, but this time was different. She had the gift. With more than a couple days to prepare, she had enough time to find something that clicked. 

So no, it wasn’t the gift. Instead, it was- well, let's think for a second. Would you guess a _Christmas tree?_

Catra hadn't said anything because she hadn't "expected much" or something like that, which meant it was all on Adora to remember! What a disaster. At any rate, that's how they ended up an hour into the country and in some volunteer fire co.'s parking lot on Christmas Eve. It had been a small miracle that they found somewhere with trees left at all. 

"It's not going to work."

"No no, it's going to work." Adora stated with utmost confidence. She had her hands on her hips. Catra, on the other hand, had her arms dismissively crossed. 

They were watching the two unfortunate souls tasked with getting the darn thing on top of the car struggle just tie it down. It couldn't have been easy.

"It's a sedan, Adora." Catra continued flatly. "You don't even have a roof rack."

"It'll work! I swear. I've done it before. Every year I-..." Bow and Glimmer. They'd all go together. All those memories flooding back reminded Adora about dinner - that stressful mess. Glimmer still hadn't texted back about it, so Adora had made plans for her and Catra. Honestly, there was no need to get worked up. It was going to be a wonderful evening. 

"Why'd you need a real tree, anyways?" Catra either hadn't caught Adora's falter or hadn't deemed it serious enough to question. "You could've just gotten a fake one at Target or something."

"It's not festive if it isn't real. It's like, a thing!"

"For who?"

"For me, that's who." 

Catra barely held back a smile just as the men finally managed to secure the tree. "Alright, but five bucks says it flies off when we're on the highway."

"You're on."

The drive back was a scarier drive back than Adora anticipated, but hey.

Adora made five bucks.

Then quietly slipped the cash back into Catra’s wallet.

The fun wasn’t the money. It was winning. 

As pleasurable as winning that bet was though, it paled in comparison to the joy that was actually setting the tree up. Catra was so careful with the ornaments. She took the job far more seriously than Adora ever expected. 

"I got this one with my aunt when I was twelve," Adora sighed in the briefest moment of sadness. "I miss her. Anyways," and then she handed the stained glass orb right to Catra. "Can you put it on the tree for me?"

Catra's eyes went wide as she held the ornament. She was so gentle that it might as well have been a baby. Aw. "Uh, sure. I’ll just do that. Put your very … Yup…" 

"Thanks so much, I'm still trying to find the one my grandfather brought back from France in the 1920's. I still can't believe I haven't broken it." Adora laughed as she dug through the fourth box of decorations. 

Catra's gaze snapped back to Adora, filled with alarm. _"What did you just say…!?"_

Anyways.

Not one ornament was broken in the whole process. Adora usually dropped one or two of them, so that was a wonderful change of pace. If they spent more Christmases together, Catra was definitely in charge of decorations. She probably wouldn’t mind.

Night has fallen by the time they finished with the tree. Adora had been waiting for this moment - yet another test. When they stepped back to admire their handiwork, it was really just Catra who was focused on the tree. Adora was too busy looking at how Catra's eyes sparkled. They were by far the most beautiful thing in the room. 

"I… I haven't ever seen a real one done like this," Catra admitted, a little breathless. "Before everything uh, happened, we only ever got the fake kind. They came with ornaments and white lights and-...”

_This was different._

Upon hearing the news that Catra had never seen a real life Christmas tree all dressed up before, Adora simply couldn't help herself. She ran, yes ran, to the lightswitch to turn everything but the tree off. The multicolored beauty shone through many of the glass ornaments, not only intensifying the tree's beauty, but also Catra’s.

As Catra soaked the new and improved view, Adora continued to gaze at the actual best thing in the room. 

"Thank you," she eventually whispered. "For coming with me to get it. It uh, means a lot to me."

Catra tore her eyes away and looked up at Adora. "We're in this together, stupid. Good or bad, got me?"

… There it was again. 

Beating hard beneath her breast. 

Yes, Adora held it back that night. 

But only just. 

At that point, she’d already realized that any of the prior moments would've been acceptable times to confess. So far, all of break had been perfection. It didn't really matter though, not anymore. She knew that _that_ would be the last time she ever had to keep it inside. 

And so, Adora made it to Christmas Day without spoiling herself or her plan. It wasn’t white like she had hoped. It was more cold and drizzly than anything, but that wasn’t bad either.

She was up at dawn to prepare. She put the gift out in the living room and made sure the fire had enough time to get warm. After that, she made breakfast for them both yet again, then finished up by double checking her speech. _Kind of useless, honestly._ She had it memorized. Now it was just a matter of overcoming her nerves. Stupid nerves, she already knew Catra loved her back! Well, uh. She was preeetty sure…? 

Yeah. Pretty sure was sure enough!

Adora was practically bouncing by the time Catra was up and moving. How could she not? It was going to happen in like, half an hour! 

“To swap presents?” Catra pulled on her shirt, watching Adora with amusement. “You never grew out Christmas morning, huh.”

“It’s not that!” Well actually, part of it was that. But only like… 2%. “Aren’t you excited?”

“I’m excited to be with you.”

At Adora’s firm insistence, they retrieved their respective gifts and met in the living room. She had a wonderful feeling the moment Catra walked in and broke into a smile. The scene was set. The room was the simply the most perfect warmth. The sky outside was the most perfect grey to encourage cuddling. Even the sound of the rain was the most perfectly calming rhythm to confess to. 

Then there was the gift. Neatly wrapped. Adora had placed it under the tree in the hopes it would spark some childlike wonder in Catra too. 

"Here's mine,” Catra placed hers under the tree too. “Sorry it's wrapped so badly. I don't do this a lot."

It was messy, yes. Messy in all the best ways. 

They shared a good morning kiss. Adora let the sound of the rain calm her. She told herself that everything was going to go amazingly. It was time to begin.

She motioned for Catra to go first. She wanted to get this part through with, because this was the only possible hiccup. If this went well, Adora was in the clear. She probably should’ve sat down to prepare herself, but her heart was racing too fast. Upright it was. 

As Catra slowly began unwrapping the box. Adora felt herself get nervous about the gift in a way she hadn't before. "You're hard to shop for, but I think you’ll like it.”

“I am, am I?” Catra smiled.

“Yeah. I didn’t know what to get you at first. So uh, I was thinking. You wouldn't like a book or clothes. No tickets or anything like that. It had to be sentimental, so I thought really hard and… I…"

Adora fell silent, holding her breath.

Catra had it out.

Maple and ash. Unpainted. Pale in color. 

… If such a thing made Catra feel so secure, then if it was possible, Adora wanted to have a part in it. It was more than just a present. It was symbolic. Where it once was the mark of a bad past, perhaps this offering could be a sign of happier, shared times to come. Old to new, so to speak. 

Furthermore, she hoped it was a respectful apology for her lack of care earlier. 

This was the only other thing she knew Catra to pour her heart into, and yet Adora was still nervous.

Catra's face was almost entirely blank. She ran her hand over the grain of the wood, taking her time to assess the quality. Adora wasn't sure exactly where it stacked up, but it had been more expensive than she had expected.

Finally, she took her eyes off the bat and brought them back to Adora. The happiness came through. “You’re insane. You’re...”

_Bingo._

Adora had been right. No card game. No jewelry, No concert. No nothing could’ve reached Catra’s heart like this.

“I know they break eventually. I don’t want you to worry though,” she just smiled. "I'll get you a new one when that happens." 

Catra looked like she was about to cry from happiness. She didn’t want to put it down. Her hands shook. Adora hugged her, ignoring the discomfort the bat between them brought. She thought she heard a light sob. But if there was one, it was just that. One.

_They were almost there. Adora could feel it building._

"I guess it's your turn." Catra said as they separated, voice a little shaky as she wiped her eyes. Thankfully, her smile had returned. "I think it's going to get a little bit of a different reaction than that, but I hope you like it as much as I love this." 

Adora picked up Catra's gift, not only tearing but also preparing. 

There Adora went, still determined to carry out a fairytale-esque declaration. She brought up the speech in her mind. _She’d been waiting a long time to tell her. She didn't want it to be too early, but didn’t want to risk being too late either._

"I was going to get you a sexy professor costume." Catra teased, sounding normal once again. "Just as a gag gift, but then I thought you'd have a heart attack."

_The first time they talked, Adora never would’ve guessed that they’d become so close. Adora hadn’t met anyone as wonderful as Catra. She was smart, strong, and even sweet. Adora was beyond lucky._

Adora offered a smile. “I’m glad you didn’t. That would ruin the moment.”

_All Adora ever wanted was more. When she thought about what made her happy, it was Catra._

The present was certainly not a sexy professor costume. The box was much too small. Honestly, half of her still expected it to be something silly. No matter. She had the speech down. She was ready. She was-

She was not.

She was not prepared for what came out of the box.

It seemed to serve as Catra's cue to become nervous. "Just so you know, I’m not stupid. I know you haven't got piercings or even rings, but I saw it and- and it was so small and light. You won't even feel it."

It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing Adora had ever seen - besides Catra. 

"And yeah yeah," Catra continued, almost defensive. "It's not an actual broadsword, still though. Also, that’s a sapphire on the hilt. I mean, it's fucking tiny one, but I'm counting it." 

It was hardly a thought. 

It was a feeling.

Adora decided it then.

Screw the speech.

Screw her whole plan.

She should’ve said it weeks ago.

The speech, as beautiful and wonderful as it was, simply did not do justice to what Adora was feeling at that moment. This was something else. This was something damn near magical. 

It was time.

“Catra." Adora looked up from the silver necklace, something entirely new in her heart. "I-I don’t even know how to tell you how this makes me feel. This is- this is so-"

"It’s fine, I know." Catra interrupted with a relieved smile. But she didn’t know. She had no idea what was about to happen. "I thought you’d want something to keep with you all the time when I go to grad school.”

Adora froze.

Oh. 

Ow...

Pardon her french, but _shit._

Graduate school.

Despite all her prior successes at telling herself that... That topic was fine, Catra bringing it up was simply not fine at all. She hadn't expected it to hit her so hard all over again, yet it did. Catra would leave after next semester. She'd move states away. It wasn't her fault - both her leaving and Adora's sadness. 

It wasn't Catra's fault the words receded once again.

No, it wasn’t her fault at all. Adora just didn’t want to think about it. They hadn’t talked about what would happen after Catra graduated. There was no plan yet. It was a conversation that needed to happen.

Not now though. 

The moment was gone. 

Adora felt tears prick her eyes. It was very bittersweet. Somehow, Catra hadn't picked up on it. Maybe she was misreading what it all meant. The emotion. The tears. Adora bit her lip to hold back the sharpest edge of her grief and did her best to focus on the happy. Maybe the necklace was a sign of her desire to keep dating. Maybe it was just as symbolic as Adora’s gift to her. Maybe it too came from the depths of Catra’s heart. Those thoughts and those thoughts alone brought back a small smile, despite how her eyes continued to burn. 

“I love it," she whispered. It was the truth. She really did, no matter how she felt at that moment. “Thank you, Catra."

And because she knew Catra was waiting for it, Adora put the necklace on. Catra was right. It felt like there wasn't anything there at all. 

Catra was entranced. Adora pulled her into a gentle thank you kiss, dearly wishing she could just say it. But it was difficult now. Her tongue wouldn’t work. She almost felt queasy. She needed to be soft, and she worried her sadness might somehow make her words hard. Surely another moment would come - and when it did? No more plans. Adora had learned her lesson. She would embrace it as it was.

There would be enough perfect to go around so long as she was with Catra. Hell, maybe she’d get another chance after dinner.

It was like the universe heard that consideration, because it was then that Adora felt her phone go off in her pocket near the end up the kiss. Her heart rate sped up. There really were only a few people it could be. If it wasn't Catra-

"Can I?"

"Go ahead." Catra nodded, content to observe how the necklace looked on Adora. 

Adora opened her messages. It wasn't Glimmer. Or… Was it? She read through the text, the strangest mix of emotions mixing in her stomach. It wasn’t- it didn’t make any sense. It was completely out of the blue.

"It's Bow," she explained once she was done. "He… He wants to have dinner." 

Catra looked as surprised as Adora was. Her mouth hung open. "Did Glimmer…"

"Yes." 

Yes, really.

Glimmer had approved of Bow sending that message. Bow said as much. Adora had no idea how to face Glimmer. She'd spent so long deciding that going no contact was okay. She'd let go. She was done! But-...

She looked back at the text. 

Here was Glimmer at the eleventh hour, pulling her back in again. Here was Glimmer, offering to be nice to Catra. Here was Glimmer, still not apologizing - yet? It was so confusing. 

No, it didn't make any sense at all.

And yet Adora felt something she hadn't felt in a long time when it came to her former best friend.

Hope. 

Catra was reading the text too now, making sure that Adora hadn’t missed something. Sure enough, she hadn’t.

"Are you okay with it if we do? I don't want to make today uncomfortable for you." Adora watched Catra's expression as she scrolled down to see the rest. This was a lot like asking her to meet Bow, but a million times more stressful and without any notice. "If you want it to just be us, that's fine. I promised you that."

Catra considered her. 

Considered her request.

It was the longest time Catra had considered her many weeks. 

It was so quiet.

Until, "do you really think she's changed?"

Adora considered Catra back, although not for nearly as long. 

"I don't know, but I think there's a chance."

\--- 

Adora held her fist steady just an extra second before rapping on the front door. Her gaze flitted over to Catra, checking that she was paying attention to what was about to happen. Once sure, Adora proceeded to knock.

Catra did not jump, very good. 

It had been important that Bow and Glimmer host them. Adora didn't know why, but they'd been invited. So here they were. 

"And you're sure I can't fight her?" Catra asked, leaning into Adora both to keep warm and to stay under the umbrella. 

"You promised you'd be nice to her." 

"I just mean if we find out she hasn't changed. If she isn't nice."

"I don't see why she wouldn't be," Adora assured both Catra and herself. Well alright, mostly herself. "She wouldn't invite us here if something hadn't shifted. I think she's making a real effort." 

"If you say so." Catra didn't sound like she believed it at all. 

Adora felt a pang of guilt for even coming. She hadn’t pressured Catra. Catra had said yes of her own accord, without a doubt. But there was actual doubt in there, wasn’t there? Distrust towards Glimmer.

Adora put a comforting arm around Catra and pulled her closer. "Thank you for doing this," she whispered. "Especially when you didn't have to."

Even if Catra didn’t have hope, Adora did. 

She really did.

Things would certainly be awkward, but if all went well, the end of the evening would be worth it. She even hoped Catra and Glimmer might get along. Okay, maybe she was getting ahead of herself in that regard, but still. 

_And if everything ended on a high note…?_

_Maybe that’d be another opportunity._

It only took a couple more seconds for the door to open and reveal Bow and Glimmer. Bow looked simply thrilled that dinner was actually happening, and he decided to express his excitement in the form of hugging Catra. Adora wasn't offended. Making Catra feel welcome made sense, although he hadn't quite clocked how to do it yet, as she turned to cardboard for the duration of said hug. It seemed a practiced response, poor girl.

Even more unfortunately, all that did for Adora was give her time to observe Glimmer, who was still standing in the doorway. 

Glimmer observed her right on back. She had an almost neutral expression that did not at all reflect how the air between them was so thick that it might as well have been solid. Then again, Adora’s smile didn’t reflect it either.

Neither made any move toward each other. 

"How've you been?" Adora asked Glimmer as Bow came over to hug her too. She kept her gaze fixed. 

"Okay." Glimmer crossed her arms, uncomfortably shifting back and forth. "You?"

"Pretty good."

"That's nice." 

Once Bow pulled away, the four of them found themselves in a very uncomfortable silence. Yes indeed, the air between them all felt even more impenetrable. Adora closed the umbrella and took a step inside in spite of it. A literal step of good faith. 

Things were not going to be easy, but that was fine. Adora would try and Glimmer would try and then they could save their relationship. 

_The power of friendship and all that..._

And to break the silence, "you guys want to take off your coats?" Bow suggested. "Then we can go sit and talk. The ham needs a few more minutes." 

Adora nodded and began to remove hers, then realized Catra had not yet come in. She was standing outside in the rain, staring at Glimmer like a hawk.

"It's okay,” Adora directed a smile to her. “We're okay. Come in."

Catra did, but when Glimmer turned to follow Bow into the living room, she shot daggers at her.

They set up in the living room. It came as a shock to Adora that the very first thing Glimmer did was launch into conversation with Catra. Glimmer was not as soft as Bow in her questioning. It felt far more like an interrogation. To her credit Catra didn't seem caught off guard, but perhaps that was because she was already so on edge. Then again, she did keep side eyeing Adora. Her taut jaw that clearly spoke to the fact that she was not enjoying her company.

And it was _their_ conversation.

Adora increasingly felt like she was on the outside. Like she was the unwanted guest. Glimmer would only speak to her if Adora spoke first. It was really quite uncomfortable.

_But that was okay! That was fine. That was alright. Adora had wanted them to get along, right?_

_Even if it…_

_Didn't make any sense._

After a couple fidgety minutes that felt like hours, Bow went to check on the ham. Probably because of her nervousness, Adora needed to use the restroom. She didn't want to leave Catra alone with Glimmer, but upon another check up that once again established that Adora was not at all necessary, she decided to bite the bullet and excuse herself.

It was on her way back from the bathroom that she heard a small clatter from the kitchen. 

Adora peeked her in the doorway. "Bow? Are you alright?"

He'd just taken the ham out. 

"Burned myself. It's all good, just a minor one." Bow smiled and waved her off. 

"Okay, uh. Good." Adora almost left, but then she stopped herself. She didn't quite… Want to go back to whatever was happening there. "Hey, um. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure thing." 

Adora looked back over her shoulder. 

Many, many weeks ago - months ago now, actually, Adora had thought Catra and Glimmer could be friends. Their personalities were similar in a lot of ways. This wasn't what she'd envisioned. 

"Did you say anything to her?" Adora asked, almost whispering as she continued to stare. 

"Nothing I haven't already said." Bow came up behind her. "We don't talk about it much anymore, but I know I told her that I liked Catra when I met her. I also said I thought they got off on the wrong foot, but that was a while ago." 

"Right, right." 

"What'd you say in your text?" 

Adora remembered the ultimatum. Yes, ultimatums were supposed to go one way or the other, but it had been so harsh...

"The same kind of nothing. Nothing that makes any of this make sense. I'm not dreaming, right?" 

"Unless we're having a shared dream, no. They're seriously talking. I never thought I'd see it, but hey! It's great." 

"Yeah, that's true..." Adora looked back at Bow. 

He frowned. "Aren't you happy?"

"No, no," she quickly backpedaled, more concerned about convincing him than herself. Because she wasn't happy. Why wasn't she happy? "I mean, I am! I… I guess I just don't understand why she changed her mind. When has Glimmer ever changed her mind so completely?"

_Because if it really was the ultimatum, then why wasn't she talking?_

God, Adora felt so paranoid.

"Maybe you just don't know the reason yet. Listen, I've been waiting for this kind of thing for weeks." Bow's smile returned. "We all have. I know you're nervous, but try to let it be okay, alright? I'm sure she'll come to you. She's probably waiting for the right moment."

Adora knew a lot about that. The right moment. It wasn't like Glimmer was very suave either… 

Alright. Adora took a steadying breath, letting that flicker of hope reignite in her chest. "Thanks, Bow," she smiled. "I'll try to be patient."

So she did.

She tried hard for the better part of an hour. 

Dinner was tough.

The same pattern continued. Glimmer did really seem to be making an effort to get to know Catra - much to Catra’s dismay. Perhaps Bow's assurances meant something to her. While that spoke well of their relationship, very little boded as well for her and Adora's. She still pretty much refused to talk to her, which was getting increasingly more obvious. Catra was done. She kept trying to offload Adora into the conversation so that she could exit it. Adora couldn’t even blame her. 

_“Yeah, Adora knows a lot about what the pharmaceutical industry is up to.”_

_“I do?”_

Or…

_“Adora tells the story way better than me. Come on, Adora.”_

_“Oh, uh. Sure…”_

No matter what they tried, it didn’t stick. Glimmer would look straight through her.

The tension was just about to start tanking Adora all over again when it finally happened. 

Glimmer turned to speak to her for the first time in many minutes, and this time? This time the eye contact was grounded. Real. "I'm going to bring dessert out. Want to join me?"

Bow gave Adora an encouraging nod. Catra looked relieved to have a break. She's done a great deal of mingling for Adora's sake, and she looked incredibly burnt out by it. Adora was just ecstatic to finally have an opportunity to talk. 

It seemed Bow had been right after all. Jeez, why had Adora ever doubted him? He was always right. Glimmer had just been waiting for a chance to speak alone. She'd wanted to put on her version of a nice show with Catra and then work things out.

"Sure!" Adora hit her knees against the table while getting up.

_Damn. That hurt in more than one spot. She really did still miss Glimmer._

Thankfully, things were looking up. Words could not describe how ready Adora was to make amends. She even surprised herself. She fully entered the kitchen this time, feeling far more excited than when Bow had calmed her down. Glimmer took them to the farthest reaches of the room to retrieve two pies before speaking. 

"Take this." She handed one to Adora. "I'll get the other."

She really didn't need Adora for this at all. Oh yeah. This has to be big. 

"Uh, so," Adora cleared her throat, already presenting her best smile. "Glimmer?" 

"Hm?"

"I guess I- well, I'm curious. What changed?"

It was a simple and brave question loaded with a thousand emotions. That fact was not lost on Glimmer. She watched Adora very carefully, not moving from her spot. It was a nice feeling, honestly. Being seen. 

Eventually, she leaned back against the countertop. "I've been thinking. A lot."

"And...?"

"And," she sighed, "I still think I'm the only one with sanity here." 

Adora's smile faltered.

Was that a joke?

Was she supposed to laugh?

Or maybe- maybe she just wasn’t understanding. Time. Glimmer needed time to explain.

And so despite the small pit in her stomach, she remained cautiously hopeful for a but. If Bow was right, then there just had to be one. 

_"But… I'm going to trust your judgement."_

Or maybe, _"but I think she seems nice now."_

Even, _"but you're my best friend and nothing is going to change that."_

Yes, Adora waited. 

It didn't come. 

She began having a tingling feeling all down her spine. It told her to run, yet kept her stock still.

"I mean, you're having sex with a student." Glimmer continued all too matter of factly. "Clearly something screwed up is happening. Still, I'm starting to think I've had it backwards. Maybe I was wrong."

Adora blinked. Never mind. The smile was gone.

It was in Glimmer’s voice.

In her words.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

"... What?" Adora immediately regretted asking. She was regretting everything. 

"I spent all this time trying to figure out what she did to you, you know?” Glimmer continued. “How she got you to do it. I was so angry at you for letting it happen. Like, I knew you were lonely, and seems like she's lonely too, but I didn't think that was enough.”

See, there was the doubt. The condescension. Adora swallowed, unable to speak. She shouldn't have come here. She shouldn't have brought Catra either. 

“I think I get it now though. Someone is clearly preying on someone, but since it's not her doing that to you…" 

Every part of her body was screaming at her to leave. She needed to escape. Whatever was coming- 

Glimmer smiled in the most unsettling way. It was the first real emotion she'd shown directly to Adora all evening, and it was a horrible mixture of sadness and- and _rage._ "Well. It has to be you then."

Adora could not speak. 

Adora could not breathe. 

Adora could not think. 

And for a brief moment…

"You're the problem, Adora." 

Neither could she feel.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, don't kill me. I can't finish the story if I'm dead.


	13. Tell Me How You Really Feel Pt. 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay, hello everyone! 
> 
> Thank you all so much! You guys are amazing and absolutely FLOORED me last chapter. I enjoyed all of your interpretations and predictions! They were so fun and totally across the board. You guys get a lot of different things out of this, so I'm curious as to how you'll take this chapter. Also, do note that both word choice and order are especially important this time round.

_  
Adora simply stared._

_She stared and stared._

_Her hands felt numb as what had once had merely been a long time threatened to stretch into an eternal limbo of indecision. Impulse said yes, memory said no. A common theme._

_"I wouldn't do that if I were you."_

_She'd been standing so long, dug her heels in so determinedly, she'd cultivated a horribly disgruntled atmosphere behind her. Glimmer's words brought grief. Disappointment._

_But as per usual, also truth._

_"You're right," Adora sighed in defeat and finally put down the tongs. "I probably shouldn't."_

_"I know I am. And you definitely shouldn't. Let's go."_

_It only took one hard tug at her sleeve for Adora to completely abandon her goal. She and Glimmer walked away from that particular food station, side by side, then made their way to the opposite end of the dining hall and to a variety of other options._

_"I just feel like I should give them another chance. Everyone else loves them." Adora said, looking over her shoulder to the lengthy line she had just held up. Whoops._

_Wishful thinking aside, the decision had already been made. Glimmer led them to the ramen bar and grabbed two empty bowls. Adora didn't really want soup, but it was admittedly a much safer choice of lunch, so she didn't complain. They established themselves at the end of the much shorter and more reasonable line._

_"Except you got food poisoning from them last year," Glimmer chided. "And if you get it again, who's going to be taking care of you?"_

_"You..." Adora sighed again with a dreamy smile, ignoring the pointed glare directed at her. Her mind wandered back to just a few moments before. The chicken tenders just looked so delicious, alright? They were popular too - despite the dark side of their reputation. It was like playing Russian roulette. Cursed institutional food..._

_"I never got a thanks for that, by the way."_

_Adora was pretty sure she had, but no matter. It was a little tense between them, although she only really noticed it when they made it to the front and began to serve themselves. It was then that Glimmer chose to speak again._

_"So. How'd your meeting go?"_

_There was a hint of sharpness in her tone. The same that had been there all the other times she'd asked about each prior meeting._

_Anyways, it was sharp enough to snap Adora out of her wanting daydream. She should've expected it, but she was ill prepared to do anything else other than offer Glimmer an embarrassed smile. "Um… I think it went okay? I uh, still haven't decided though."_

_That was definitely the wrong answer. Glimmer shot Adora a familiar look of utter exasperation. "You have a week left to do it! A week, Adora! You have to figure it out."_

_A week, yep. First it had been a semester. Then a month. Then two weeks. Now she was down to a week. Adora didn't need a reminder. It was just that she hadn't thought it would go that fast. A few edgy pokes between them later, they had their ramen and started moving towards the main dining area to the corner table where Bow was waiting for them._

_When they sat down, of course Glimmer felt the need to announce that Adora still had not yet officially declared a major._

_Bow looked up, also clearly concerned._

_It wasn't like it didn't matter. It did. Adora wouldn't be able to register for the upcoming semester if she didn't figure it out fast._

_"What if you figure out what you want to do first, then choose a major that gets you there? That's how I did it." Bow suggested with a soft smile._

_"Amazing idea." Glimmer turned to face Adora. "What do you want to do?"_

_Helpful as the question was supposed to be, it was a lot bigger of a problem than simply choosing a major. Both friends watched Adora expectantly. Waiting. Knowing she wasn't allowed to answer with "Peace Corps" anymore, she felt herself start to sweat. She glanced down at the noodles in her broth, hoping they'd help her._

_They didn't._

_"Uh… I mean, I keep getting ROTC emails? They're kind of interesting."_

_Nope._

_Glimmer rolled her eyes at that thought. "Yeah, absolutely not. We don't want you to die fighting for the glorious military."_

_"I wouldn't die." Adora frowned._

_Did Glimmer really think that?_

_"Nobody thinks they'll die, Adora."_

_Oh well. That was fair._

_"Okay," she tried again, attempting to make a stronger connection. "Kinesiologist? That'd be simple, plus then I could take that fun trampoline class."_

_"I don't know if being able to jump on trampolines for credit should be a deciding factor in your choice of future career." It was Bow this time, trying to be as helpful as possible. He was also right._

_Adora just- she just had no clue. She pushed her soup bowl out of the way and let her forehead drop down to rest on the table._

_"Maybe I should choose something easy and go back home after college. Go live on a farm. Work at the grocery store again or something, but forever instead of just during summers…"_

_She wanted to do so much more than that. Be so much more. But she only had a week! One week and if she didn't have it by the end of that, the world would fall apart. Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. Still, figuring out her whole life plan in a week when she had nothing to go off of._

_"Hey, you don't have to do that… I think I have an idea." Glimmer's voice turned softer than it had been the last few minutes. "Look, Bow and I decided on graduate school a couple days ago. You should pick something that lets you come along with us."_

_"Yeah!" Bow agreed enthusiastically. "We should keep the squad together."_

_Adora winced just thinking about extending her studies. It wasn't like she wanted to go back home to the nest and work as a shelf stocker for the next sixty years, but really, what was she supposed to do? "I don't think I'm cut out for that, guys. That's a lot."_

_"Sure you are!" Bow patted her on the shoulder. "All you need is some direction. Which department do you have the most classes in? Maybe we can work with that!"_

_Well…_

_Maybe if they really did have that much faith in her..._

_She did really enjoy her history classes. She'd taken a lot of those..._

_Adora lifted her head to smile at her friends, still more than a little unsure about almost everything in her life. It made her queasy sometimes. Feel inadequate._

_But if there was one thing she was absolutely sure of, it was that she didn't ever want to lose either of them. Insistent as they could be, especially Glimmer, they were always so supportive. So right._

_… There was something about the way they made her feel._

\---

Something, yes. 

Not something like this.

It was never supposed to be this.

What a disgusting feeling. 

Adora had never felt such a thing before, but now she was living it. Breathing it. It came as an overpowering and rushing silence. 

_What a disgusting feeling._

Like she'd been sucker punched. In a sense, perhaps she had. Almost doubled over. Almost throwing up. 

_**What a disgusting feeling.**_

With the pie splattered all over the floor. Sticky as she backed away, hyperventilating and hardly aware of how choked up she had already become. 

_And so it started. Cyclical. Obsessive. Adora couldn't scrub it from her mind. Each time she resisted, it just got worse. Hit harder. Sank deeper. Burned hotter._

"No, y-you're wrong…" Her voice trembled. Her lips trembled worse. It was a wonder she could force anything out, even as a whisper. She didn't hear her words. Not really. "I'm not-"

_Disgusting._

She tried getting angry. It sparked. Sparked again. Again. Doused each and every time. It was one thing to be made to feel small - that was angering, but it was entirely different to feel like the enemy. 

_And dirty._

Adora should've been able to handle this by now. Soldier on, After all, she was braver- _better._ Stronger. 

_But so dirty._

… Honestly, she probably would've been able to if it were anyone else. She was indeed so much more than she'd ever hoped, so she likely could've gotten angry if a stranger was saying it. See, strangers would simply be wrong. What did they know? Letting such a thing roll off her back would've at least been feasible.

But this? This was not anyone else. This was Glimmer. This felt like she'd been cut down at the knees. No, worse. It felt like Glimmer had released poison from the inside. A targeted strike. Adora could defend herself from others, but she didn’t know how to defend herself from her own mind. _She didn’t know how to fight herself without inevitably losing._ Such a concept was impossible to grapple with. This was- this was-

 _Contaminated._

"You're the problem." Glimmer repeated firmly. As if that would help. As if more made better. 

Adora shook her head. "So you- you just invited me over here t-to tell me that? To hurt me?"

"You needed to know that I know," and Glimmer's lips curled into the most nauseating smirk. "But honestly, I really wanted to see her."

_Her._

Glimmer was after _her._

Adora needed to protect Catra. Immediately. Now. 

Except- wait, what did that word even mean anymore? It was then that a sickening twist in her gut that told her to stay away. Not to inflict herself any further. Not to damage. Not to pain. It was unnatural, equally filled with disgust and entirely unlike herself under normal circumstances. Here though? That might be all the protection Adora could offer Catra here. 

If Adora needed to leave to protect Catra, she would. Even if it meant her own misery. 

"I know I'm right," Glimmer said almost triumphantly. "You're defensive all the time now. You've been like this since you met her. I've never seen you get so defiant."

"You know I-I-..." Adora only barely swallowed her stutter. She tried to get angry again. Tried a final time to fight the suffocatingly toxic fog taking over her body. "I'm not like that…!"

_No anger came. Only shame. It hooked back in, stronger than ever._

"Oh, come on. That's such a lie, Adora. It's like I hardly even know you anymore. I'm not stupid, so if you think I'll just let you walk all over me with your demands, you're wrong."

Adora needed to escape. She didn't know who she was, but she knew she needed to leave. It was when she started to turn to exit that she heard the footsteps. She halted, close to terrified. Her gaze went to the ground, and as it did, tears fell to her feet. 

Catra's simply too wonderful voice sounded from the arch to the kitchen first, obviously worried. "I heard raised voices. What the hell's going on in here?"

_The feeling of disgust swelled._

Adora didn't- no, couldn't turn around and admit what she'd been reduced to. She wasn't supposed to be weak. It was humiliating. It was also too late...

"Guys...?"

And there was Bow, beyond tense. 

A swift movement, then Adora felt an insistent hand on her shoulder. It burned. _Why did it burn…?_ "What's-"

The very moment Catra turned Adora around and spotted tears, her look of generally confused concern morphed to one of absolute and uncontrolled fury. Her gaze snapped to Glimmer and she immediately began her advance. 

"You," she snarled, "what the fuck did you just do!?"

Glimmer backed up against the opposite counter, the disdain in her eyes turning to a genuine alarm, as if she hadn't expected this. She had just enough sense to put her own pie down on the counter, but not nearly enough to understand how to defuse the situation. "Hey now, give me a second to explain myself. May-"

Catra had Glimmer by the front of her shirt. “I fucking knew you were a piece of shit.”

Bow started across the room far, far too late. "Hey, guys...! Guys!"

It would only take a second.

"Catra, listen," Glimmer tried to remain calm. "I think you're confused."

And indeed, a second was all it took.

_Wrong answer._

Catra tightened her grip like a vice, violently whirling Glimmer round from the counter and sending her hurtling down onto her back and kitchen tile. Bow tried to reach out to stop Catra only to get shoved backwards with just as much force.

Adora was stuck in limbo between action and inaction. Any other time, just like if it were any other person, this would've been easy.

_But to touch Catra felt like sin._

A funny thing. Because Catra was doing it too - sinning, sinning she bent down to grab the front of Glimmer's shirt again. She pulled her up. Doing anything to bring the woman closer as she wound back her trembling fist. Adora realized what was about to happen. “Confused!? You really think I’m going to fall for that crap!? I've been waiting for you to show me what you're really about, you fucking cunt! I'll fucking-"

It broke something in Adora.

_"STOP!!!"_

It was too much. 

Catra froze, fist still shaking. It was the only thing that could've possibly worked. Although she couldn't quite tear furious eyes away from Glimmer, she made no more motions to attack. Her chest rose and fell with heavy, barely controlled breaths. She didn't speak.

Not until, "why."

Seething with rage. Not a question. A dare. 

Adora didn't know how to answer at first. Glimmer had hurt her, after all. Catra’s protective reaction was understandable, if not entirely too violent. Violent or not, Adora should've wanted revenge. Yet she didn't. Couldn't. The block was not only because Glimmer's cruel words seared like awful truth, but also because that just wasn't Adora. It was one thing to want to physically defend Catra from harm; that she could do. She'd had that urge. However, it was another thing entirely to have someone try to defend _her_ from Glimmer. So it sunk in, deep and painful like a knife. Too much had been right. For everything the day had brought her, the last thing she needed was to see her former best friend be beaten to a pulp. It would make her feel many things. Better was not one of them. 

_It would make her more guilty. More disgusting. More of a monster._

“Because- because I don't need this…! I need… I n-need…" 

Deep in her heart.

Need. 

The plea for Catra to choose something other than hate became silent. That plea was perhaps the only thing to go right so far, because Adora thought she saw softness flicker through Catra. She had listened, because of course she had. Of course. She even started to lower her fist. Started her retreat. Started her-

"Who's the coward now?" Glimmer’s pride poked through her fear, always just a little stronger. She glared up into Catra's face with a hatred Adora had never seen. 

The wrath that took over Catra's expression then was simply indescribable. Hotter than the sun. Adora thought she had lost her cause until after a few nauseating seconds where it looked like Glimmer was about to lose all of her teeth, Catra let her drop back down onto the ground with a hard thud. 

Catra looked like she was about a scream. She kept her lips tight at first, as if opening her mouth for even a single second too long risked losing all her self control.

Adora predicted she would. 

"Get the fuck out of my sight."

And when Glimmer didn't make a move to get up, that prediction came at least partially true. 

"But this is my hou-"

_"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"_ Catra roared. 

Though she yelled, she was also crying from rage. On the other end, Adora was crying from shame. Bow tugged on Glimmer, tears in his eyes too as he pleaded for her to leave. She buckled within three seconds and he pulled her from the room. The moment he did, Adora almost collapsed, hardly able to stand under the weight of what she felt. What she'd done. She didn't deserve Catra.

_Adora. The disgusting problem…_

But Catra was at her side to support her anyway, eliciting a flinch. "We need to leave too," she muttered, still barely containing how livid she was. "Come on..." 

_The problem._

Adora didn't deserve this care at all. She didn't deserve anything. She did little more other than allow Catra to lead her through the house, although the skin Catra made contact with seared. She did not see Bow it Glimmer anywhere. Soon they emerged into the cold. 

_Adora._

She fumbled with the keys, half blind and at that moment, inconsolable. To her credit, Catra wasn't stupid. 

"Let me drive."

"I-I don't think-"

Catra put her hand on top of Adora's. Another flinch. Another burn. She shouldn't have... "Let me drive, Adora."

But it wasn't like Adora was in any state to drive, so she let the keys slip from her fingers without fight. Whether or not Catra drove well was a mystery. All Adora knew was that she could do it without hitting anything. 

_Adora could've said no._

The drive was torturous. Leaving the house had not eased the disgust. In fact, it was worse than ever, thanks to being stuck inside a tiny metal box next to Catra. Catra, who was taking calming breaths to regain control as Adora felt her own slip.

_Catra had been infatuated, but Adora could’ve just said no from the start…_

It washed over her, worse than the poison from before. It felt even more real. It snaked its way over her heart, up the stiff muscles in her neck and down her throat. Bitter. Slimy. Her urge to remove herself from the situation entirely increased alongside her nausea. The moment they arrived home, she practically spilled from the car, barely holding back dry wretches.

Catra circled the car in an attempt to help, reaching out again and-

“D-Don’t touch me,” Adora croaked. She couldn't bear it any longer. “Please don’t.”

Catra’s eyes went wide with fear as she withdrew her hand, something she had not displayed prior to the warning. “I’m sorry, I- is this about what I did? Are you angry at me...?”

Adora started towards the house. She didn't deserve Catra at all. Catra had tried to protect her, but Catra didn't know what she was protecting. 

“Wait, Adora! I’m sorry! You’re right, I shouldn’t have. She'd probably press charges if I hit her or- or _something._ It was irresponsible. You were crying and I freaked out. Please talk to me." 

_Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting-_

Adora was almost to the bedroom. She didn’t know exactly what she was going to do. She thought home would make her feel better, but it didn’t. Maybe a hotel. Shower until she drowned…

Catra stepped in front of her, crying. Just crying. It was yet another wound. After all, Catra didn't deserve that. Adora wanted to hold. To touch. 

She didn't though. 

"It's not y-you," was all she managed. She managed it because Catra needed to know. "It isn't your fault… It's mine. All m-my fault…"

"No. No…! It's all her. It has to be." Catra stated with only the ghost of her former aggression. "Tell me what she said, for- for God's sake, please, Adora. Tell me.' 

Adora slipped past and into the bedroom, careful not to make contact. Careful not to trigger the feeling worse. 

And as she did, her voice broke yet again. "I'm… I'm preying on you. I c-can't have that. I’m sorry."

"She- _what?_ Fuck! Fucking- it's a lie, Adora. She's lying. You know she's lying." 

"How? And why…?" It was vague. Broken but distant. If it was a lie, why did it hurt so badly on the inside? 

If it was a lie, why did it make Adora want to scrub her skin red raw? 

She searched around the room. Catra would be better off without her. Catra would find someone better. Someone her age. Someone with her interests. The thought broke Adora's heart - which only made her feel more disgusting. Who was she to fall in love when she should've said _no._

"I don't know! I don't know why she did exactly that yet! Give me a second to think about this,” Catra pleaded with a haunting desperation. “I just- I just know this was on purpose, but I can't lose you. I can't."

"And I can't handle thinking I did t-that to you. I… I don’t trust myself."

"I get that, but now you're trusting her. You're believing her. Don't trust her over me, please. Don't do that. Just- fuck! Just give me a chance to figure it out...!"

Adora swayed. Every part of her wanted to live as a recluse in her shame. Though her vision remained blurred, Catra's voice rang clear. 

_"Please, Adora. Don't go."_

Adora hung her head low. She didn’t want to go, but with how she was feeling, she saw no other choice. Her voice was low and unbroken this time. Defeated. "... She was there to save you, Catra. She was going to save you from me. I feel awful."

"That's- that's another lie." Catra said, still very panicked. "I _know_ that one is. I don't know everything but I know that, because she didn't give a flying fuck about me." 

"But she talked to you the whole time. It's why she invited us over. She- she was after you…" 

"That's wrong. I can't believe I didn't see- shit. Look, you really think she gives a shit about me? You think she cares about protecting me? Glimmer hates me, Adora. She's never not going to." Catra's voice was changing, rapidly shifting from desperation to an underlying rage. Something must've clicked. The assertiveness had returned.

Adora held her breath.

Too scared to hope.

"You know what? I bet she'd say fucking anything to trigger you. Hell, she probably even believes half the shit she says, but that doesn’t make it true! That doesn't even mean it's the real reason she's doing all this! She's just convinced herself of bullshit so she can use it! The whole fucking thing was just so she could get you alone. Honestly, I really can't fucking believe I didn't realize what she was doing. The entire time she was talking to me, she was just fishing for ammunition. She wanted to get you alone and I didn't fucking see it in time to stop it from happening."

Yes, something had clicked for Catra, but Adora was far too overwhelmed to fully process it. She turned, slow and pained, to look at Catra. There was a raging fire in her eyes. 

"Look," Catra started again when Adora didn’t speak. "I know what she's like. People like her. Maybe this used to be some weird fucked up form of protection against me getting you fired or something- _you know better than me there,_ but what I can tell you for sure is that it's actually about power."

Power. That was true. Even in her haze, Adora could see that so many things had been about power when it came to Glimmer's opinions. Catra's ability to ruin Adora. Adora's ability to favor Catra in return. This and that. But Catra didn't seem to be talking about that kind of difference at all. 

"... Do you really believe that?"

And oddly enough, when it came to that first difference, the only person Adora hadn't associated power with was Catra herself. That had held true until today. Until this disgust had Adora second guessing everything she'd ever done, including her own motivations. 

"Yes, I do! And now it's turned on you. Because that's how she sees the world. Who controls who and- and well that's fucking it, Adora! She can't see anything any other way so that's how she put it. If she's not controlling you? I am. I was the bad guy." Catra threw her hands up into the air for emphasis. "Since that didn’t get you to break up with me, then it's fuck you too and go to hell. It's about- now it's all her anger and what she can do to hurt you, and there wasn't much of that left. She did what she could. That's all. If she couldn't be your friend? Then you got to be her enemy."

Enemy. That analysis hit. Felt true, especially because of that word. Catra seemed to understand something after all, yet Adora could do little more than weakly shake her head. It wasn't even disbelief, more just the only movement she could muster as intense guilt and grief threatened to overwhelm her. Then there was the confusion...

"And it worked. What a way to get back at you. You're dying to punish yourself," at that, Catra's voice softened considerably. "She probably hoped you’d storm out and leave me. In fact, I'd bet major cash that she's jumping for joy right about now. But… You don't have to do what she wants. You don't have to go."

She tried to smile encouragingly. It didn't work very well. That just wasn’t her. The fear was too great, the worry.

“If you're right," and though on the precipice of belief, Adora still wasn't sure whether she could give in to hope, "I still don't understand. Glimmer- she- it’s not- it’s not rational.”

"I never said it was. It's feelings, Adora. She's angry. You deserve better than that. Than her. I can tell you all this, but like you once told me…" Catra closed the distance, hovering a few inches away and sending shocks between them. "I can't make you see it. It's up to you to believe me." 

Overwhelming confusion. 

"I want to…"

Lingering guilt. 

"You know you're not like that." Catra whispered.

That disgust. 

_"I want to."_

And Adora's dearest desire to believe.

"Then do it."

It was painful. A tediously long strain until suddenly, the break came. The thoughts shattered. Fresh tears filled Adora's eyes. Catra saw her chance pulled her close. This time, Adora accepted the touch. 

And even though her skin protested, the echo of her guilt screaming for her body to be left alone, she let the discomfort move in and out freely like breath. Each new take made it lesser. Dampened the cries. Because it was a lie, Catra was right. 

Adora believed. 

Just because it hurt, that didn't make it true. 

_While not being a monster was a relief..._

"I'm here," Catra murmured, threading her fingers through Adora's hair. "You scared me, you know,” and despite her relief, she still sounded like she was coming down from it. “I… I needed you to stay. But you did, so..."

 _It was then the grief broke through._ The real kind. The betrayal. There was some anger too, finally, but it was miniscule in comparison to the sadness. Adora sank into Catra's embrace, head low on her chest as this new upset and emptiness appeared. 

So many years and yet Glimmer simply boiled everything down to a game of spite. 

Adora could've seen it too. 

Glimmer never did like any of Adora's partners.

The one time Adora didn't listen, and then…

Wait…

Everything else?

_What about every other little thing she hadn't let Adora choose?_

"I thought she used to l-love me," she whimpered. "I thought she cared…”

"That's not what real love is. Maybe she cared in some fucked up way, but that wasn't love." Catra said without a sliver of doubt. "You and I both know that whatever the hell she's got isn't that. Fuck- it's like, look. Love makes you want to help the people you care about. She's just trying to tear you down. That's jealousy. Screw her. You've got Bow. You've got me. She can fuck right off into her lonely little hate cave and die." 

Adora could not speak. Her eyes were wide. There was a pounding in her chest, as out of control as the tears she still simply could not stop. She listened to Catra’s heartbeat.

"I'm serious, Adora. Love makes you want to be a better person," Catra whispered, "for the people you love." 

That pierced Adora to her core. Resonated. Catra made Adora want to be better. Every day. What had Adora ever done to find someone so present? 

_How had she almost left all over again?_

_And for Catra's good?_

_Glimmer was terrible._

Adora had known she loved Catra for a long time, but never had she loved Catra as much as she did in that moment. It sapped away her fear and it sapped away her pain. It took everything from her until all that was left was _it._

It and the moment. 

The words escaped so easily, just like Adora always wanted them to. _"I love you."_

And she was kissing Catra. Forget the fact she was crying. Happy or sad, she couldn't tell. Until she needed breath, she wanted nothing more than to wholly experience the moment. It was a messy, breathtaking blur.

 _They were on the bed, somehow._

The words came out over and over against Catra's lips, "I love you. _I'm sorry._ I love you and I don't ever want to lose you. I love you. _I'm so, so sorry._ I love you and-" 

_Adora on top._

"Adora, let me-" Catra pushed firmly against Adora's chest. "Adora. Let me talk."

They separated. Adora was rigid from Catra's breathless gaze. 

"I'm s-sorry," she started to stutter an apology for being reckless and impulsive all over again. "I shouldn't-"

"I love you too, okay?" Catra smiled, though her lips trembled from emotion. "I just wanted enough air to tell you that, but don't make a-"

She should've known better. She probably did, actually, but that didn't change how helpless Catra was when Adora pushed her over so that she fell on top. She was tasting her again. With this new knowledge she had, she knew she was never going to stop. 

Never.

Never.

Never.

Except this time, her lungs really did scream in protest and she was forced to pull away so she wouldn't pass out.

Catra gazed up at her with glistening eyes. “You trust me now?”

“I trust you. I trust me. Us and- _Catra,_ I… I'm so sorry." 

“You’re okay. She’s not going to win."

“Never. I'm-"

"Shut up," she laughed in relief, just as breathless as Adora was. And covered in wet, not just her own. Oops. "I love you, so shut up about that. Just tell me you know you're going to get through this. Tell me you know you're going to move on from her and we're going to be happy."

"I will." Adora nodded, trying to pull herself together.

"That means no more scaring me. No more self hatred and walking out crap. You can't believe that stuff about yourself, alright?"

That was more than fair - on one condition... 

"Deal," and she hesitated. It was hard to ask Catra to do anything at all when they were both feeling so emotional, but it was also necessary. "As long as you don't scare me either. You can't attack people. For real this time. I really, _really_ don't want you getting arrested, like you said. You should probably apologize to Bow…"

That brought what could only be described as an awkward smile to Catra's face. One for the books, for sure. "Yeah," she eventually agreed. "Yeah, okay. I'm sorry about that. Meant it back then and I mean it now. Deal."

"Thank you."

Another short, tender kiss, then Catra spoke once more. "I've got something. Just a thought. You know all her tricks now, right? Honestly, I’d fucking block her and be done with it. It's your call, but-"

"Good idea." 

Fantastic, actually.

Adora did know them all now. Glimmer couldn’t play any new games. If the confession and realization that she wasn't dirty weren’t enough of a high, being rid of Glimmer certainly did it. Adora blocked Glimmer with no hesitation at all. There was a brief moment of real rage, the kind she wanted to feel before but didn’t want now. Thankfully, when she was drawn back to Catra, it melted. 

This was not about anger.

This whole thing had never been about anger. 

This was about love. 

If Catra could look at her with such all powerful affection. If Catra, indisputable master of holding grudges, could come out of that dinner and still see Adora as beautiful and pure...

Then Adora could be happy too.

 _The grief, as potent as it was, was undeniably held at bay - even if only for that moment._

More tears. 

"Thank you. I love you," she whispered. Again. She would never be able to say it enough. Despite her best efforts, she felt herself start to unravel again as she remembered all the earlier times she wished she'd said it. "I should've said it sooner. I w-wanted to," Adora wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "I wasn't sure when though. I tried to earlier…"

"I didn't say it either, so you're okay. Besides, _I think we both knew."_

"I know but- but it was scary. I… I fell in love so fast too…"

"So fast? You're kidding me. I loved you way before you loved me." Catra laughed in that oh so secretly sensitive way that only Adora was allowed to see. "Your dumbass self has absolutely no idea about that, huh?"

_Huh?_

_Way before?_

_Way-_

And then Adora remembered all the way back when they'd been interrupted. All those times Catra had tried to say something. Adora had just forgotten after they'd fought.

She could ask. She could. About the office. The Eternia building. The house. She could ask about every little moment, but instead she asked only one thing. "... All that time?" 

"All that time." 

That was enough.

Yet more tears rained down on Catra.

"Okay, now that's getting gross. Come here,” she pulled Adora down so she was on top of her, head firmly back home and on Catra's chest. 

Pressed up against Catra like that, Adora felt the day's prior wound throb less and less. Indeed, it was rather quickly becoming overwhelmed with an entirely different throb. 

_Love._

_Love._

_So much love._

_It was amazing what love could do._

"I love you, Adora. A lot, but can please stop crying?"

That just made her cry more. Even happier this time, but still. "I love you too… I-I can't though…"

"Shit, alright. Hey dummy, I love you." 

"... I know, and I love you too."

"Okay, but do you know that I love you? I'm not sure you're getting it."

"Yes," Adora shakily laughed as Catra lifted her chin to wipe her cheek dry. "And I love you too."

"Good. I'm glad we cleared that up."

Somehow, the tears stopped at that. Smart Catra. Adora let her head fall back down. She listened to the steady thrum of Catra's heartbeat for several minutes before a thought came to mind. 

"... Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

 _Anything._

Adora smiled to herself. 

"When did you know you were in love? You said _'all that time,'_ and so like- like I get all other times you wanted to tell me, but when did you first know?" 

"Oh God. Here we go." It was fake annoyance. There was amusement in those words. Adora could feel it from deep within. "I knew you'd ask that eventually, but I didn't even get a day, huh."

Catra had put an awful lot of faith in Adora to think she'd get a day before that question came up. While under the assumption that Catra was also in love, Adora had already been wondering about it on and off for weeks.

"I'll go first then," she offered, hesitating with the knowledge that it would be embarrassing - something she hoped Catra would recognize. "It was a big moment for me. I think I really realized it the first night you came to the house. You were so sweet to me and I hadn't expected it at all. Then it really hit me when we were, um…"

"Adora…" Catra's breath went shallow, clearly remembering how she walked out. Adora waited for Catra's own embarrassment, and though she didn't need it, it would be welcome. "Fuck. That reallllly sucks for you."

Wow.

 _Just wow._

Catra really did have a way with words, didn't she? 

"Ahyeaah…" Adora laughed weakly. She wanted to hide her face all over again, so she did. Deeper into Catra's chest. "Yep. That's for sure…" Still, it was the moment she knew. Difficult as the memory was, it was still worth treasuring in that respect. "You know mine now. Yours can't be worse than that. Tell me when the big moment was for you?"

Catra's heartbeat jumped a little in excitement, totally contrary to how she spoke. "Well, sorry to disappoint you," and Adora could practically hear her roll her eyes. "But it didn't work that way for me. No big dramatic or grief filled realizations here." 

"No?" 

"Nope. It was the little things," Catra sighed contentedly, drifting into memory. "Like, mm, like the first time I ever heard you laugh."

That was so- 

So sweet. 

Adora could hardly take it. 

Yes, actually. Catra did have a way with words. Only she could make something so small sound so wonderful. No joke.

Adora wanted more. Needed it. 

"If it's a bunch of little things, what else?"

"Alright, alright. Then, hm, there was the first time you walked into class, that was a moment." She began absently tracing through Adora's hair again. "The first time you remembered my name. And if you really need a specific moment, then I think it was probably then. I kept it casual for a while though. I guess I figured you wouldn't feel the same, but look where we are now."

The first time Adora walked into class?

_Ever?_

And when she remembered Catra's name?

"Woah… I- I mean wow. No I mean-"

"Hm?" 

"It's just- uh, you fall in love really easily." Adora explained. 

"Yeah, well. That might be my biggest secret. Early and easy. Guess it got out, oh well."

Who would’ve guessed Catra was that much of a softie? What a joyful thing to share.

"That's- Catra- that's the most romantic you've ever been."

Although it was only a little this time, she was crying again. _Again._ More happy tears.

"Don't get used to it. And _hey,_ I thought you were going to stop that."

"I seriously can't control it today." Adora laughed through a few happy sobs.

"Sure you can't." 

And then she playfully beat on Catra's chest. "Go back to being romantic." 

Catra sighed. Also _again._ Resigned to it. 

"Okay, but only because you had a hard night." 

"Thank you." 

"Alright, there was also the first time I saw you drunk," Catra moved her hand to brush some of Adora’s hair off her cheek. The softness of her touch comforted like nothing else. Most importantly, however, it did not burn in the slightest. Adora did not feel dirty at all. "You wouldn't shut up even for a second and it was so ridiculous. Then, hm… I remember the second time we kissed-"

Hold up.

"The second?"

"Yeah?"

"Why not the first?"

Catra paused. Probably waiting to get the timing right, which she did, by the way. 

"Eh."

 _"Eh…!?"_ Adora had been screwed the moment their lips had met. Eh was not the word to describe it! She was about ready to let Catra hear allll about it before Catra backpedaled.

"I'm teasing you, stupid. It was good. I didn't savor it though. I was too worked up, but the second time… I took that one in." That was acceptable. Adora could accept that. Yup. "Moving on, there was also first time we had sex. That stupid moment in class when I realized I wanted to spend all my time with you. Oh, you deciding _not_ to believe Glimmer. And let me think..." Catra sounded as happy as she ever had. It was then Adora fully recognized the last rumbles of anger in Catra’s chest had disappeared a long time ago - almost as if they had never been there at all. "Mm, yeah. There's also now."

_Wait, what…?_

Adora lifted her head at that, breathless at just the thought. She could barely process the words. 

"... You're falling in love right now?"

Catra just smiled. "Well duh, aren't you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adora said she'd confess over break idk if y'all lost faith but there you go 
> 
> Anywho, I want to thank you all again. For reading. For commenting. Just everything! This particular chapter means a great deal to me for so many reasons. After what I suspect was a tumultuous week for many of us, all I can hope is that we all may share the joy of fanfic for a few short minutes. 
> 
> Until next Thursday! 
> 
> _Я никогда не забуду._  
>  \- ВДН


	14. And This Present Comes With a Bow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Thursday. Welcome back! Whether you've had a fantastic week or a soul crushing one, here is another chapter of our favorite idiots to lift your spirits (hopefully).

Instead of combining their collective brainpower to achieve the output of a singular unfortunate brain cell, this time they managed the output of at least two. 

It was actually kind of genius. 

It was like they’d reached a kind of simpatico with each other, because they came up with this particular plan together. Adora decided smaller plans were okay so long as it wasn't all on her, which this wasn't. It wasn’t a surprise. They'd come to an agreement about it. Catra usually went out on New Year’s Eve. Adora usually stayed in. This little excursion was their compromise. Heat on full blast and the rest of the world in wait. 

If Adora weren’t so excited about the darn thing, she’d be asleep. This would be her _first,_ see. She did not have that many firsts left, so this was quite the affair. She felt like she was on top of a mountain! Which uh, she was, just to be clear. It was ten minutes till midnight and they’d driven up into the low mountains that bordered the city. There was a lot at the top that connected all the local hiking trails, and it also happened to have a wonderful view of the city below. The reason no one else was there was because the lot was blocked off with a chain on holidays. As Catra had proven, however, it was fairly easy to just unhook the thing and drag it to the side of the road. Park rangers were not paid enough to care to actually deter rulebreakers. Even if they did, it wasn’t like Catra or Adora cared enough to listen. 

What. A. Night.

Adora watched the clock intently. She wasn’t about to miss this first, no sir. On the other side of the car, Catra watched Adora watching the clock, an eyebrow raised in amusement. 

Then Adora actually began counting out loud. She started at sixty seconds to go. A little early, but she was _really_ excited, alright? Somehow, Catra listened to that for a whole forty seconds before she let out an annoyed huff and pulled Adora away from her self appointed task.

_Nineteen…_

"Are you always going to be this dorky?" Catra asked, smirking slightly. 

_Seventeen…_

Adora knew she also had on just the dopiest grin. "That depends, does it make you fall in love with me?" 

_Fifteen…_

"You're really asking that every day, huh."

_Twelve…_

"... Weeeell?"

_Ten._

"Well, what?"

_Nine._

"Are you right now?"

_Eight._

"For fuck's sake."

_Seven._

"Come onnn…!" Adora momentarily stuck her tongue out. 

_Six._

Catra glanced at the timer Adora had set up. "Listen up, idiot." 

_Five._

And as she leaned in, "I hope you know-"

_Four._

"-I'm never-"

_Three._

"-telling you anything-"

_Two…_

"-ever again."

_One._

Catra didn't need to. It was all in the kiss. It tasted like those crappy cardboard pizza rolls she'd insisted on eating as a snack before they left, but was made perfect simply because it was Catra. When Adora opened her eyes, fireworks were already going off over the city, showering the sky in dazzling displays of beauty. 

"But yes, obviously," Catra whispered the truth anyway, light reflecting off her gorgeous eyes. "Always yes."

Adora wanted to stay there forever, though to be honest, there were too many moments to pick from. It was a wonderful gift to constantly be making perfect moments together. 

Another one would come. 

And so they both turned their attention to the dazzling view before them. They were far enough away that though the fireworks were big, they couldn't really hear the explosions. The distant pops went nicely both with the music and the rhythm of Adora’s heart. 

As they watched, her hand slowly strayed to the necklace she was now essentially inseparable from. She did that a lot. She touched it whenever she felt a swell of love, be it from Catra's voice or simply from thinking about her. Adora knew that there would come a time in her love where things begin to settle down. That's what happened to everyone. She knew that. 

She wasn't even close to that point yet. 

And yet for all her previous experience, she didn't particularly feel that she'd gotten _this_ far before. Not emotionally, at least. This honeymoon feeling was lasting far longer than any other time. Yes, it was true that it would probably settle, except this time, it seemed stronger. Different and more meaningful. It was through no fault of her own, but it was still true. She felt like a giddy teenager. How else could they have ended up on top of this dumb mountain? Such a predicament made it remarkably difficult for the sadness of Christmas to permeate. While it was true that sometimes she'd begin to have some grief about Glimmer, she'd always notice something that made it all better. For example, the other day she noticed that Catra had once again riskily stolen a new batch of flowers to replace the vase's wilting ones. Whenever something like that happened, Adora would be happy. Happy like now.

Eventually, the perfect moment that came from watching the show ended. Adora hoped it would drift into another. It did when they both reclined their seats, turning onto their sides to gaze at each other.

"Better than watching it on TV?" 

"Significantly." Catra's smirk grew. "Come here. _I want to feel you."_

Adora didn't need to be told twice. She sat up and started clambering over the center console, attempting to climb on top of Catra. Attempt being key, as even though she was technically successful, the process was far from smooth. Crossing over half the car to straddle someone reclining in the other seat was not as easy as Adora had imagined. It was clumsy, and Catra laughed at her more than once. Adora even laughed too.

Then they weren't laughing. 

"Fuck, Adora-"

_"My knee-!"_

"-ow…!"

So yes, while Adora did end up on top of Catra, it was not as sexy as the movies made it seem. It resulted with one of her legs pressed uncomfortably against the car door and a hand planted on Catra's rib cage to keep steady. She hadn't thought about them taking their clothes off, and suddenly realized how difficult that would be.

Catra looked up at her, face filled with painful regret. She groaned. 

"Should I climb off then? Or…" 

"So you can elbow my stomach again? I think not. I thought I was about to die." 

Come on. That was just being dramatic. 

Still though, "you know, I never thought about how uncomfortable this would be." Adora sighed her disappointment. 

_"You're telling me."_

"I guess it's like shower sex. It's not a thing."

Catra gave her a very skeptical look. "What do you mean that's not a thing?"

"It's just not." Adora shrugged. "You know?"

"It's definitely a thing." 

"I really don't think it is." 

Catra narrowed her eyes, struggled to suck in another full breath, and then, "want to bet?" 

Well that settled it. 

They had to go home. 

No choice about it. 

Adora would be happy to lose that competition, especially if it led to Catra melting in her arms. Soaking in the heat. The steam. The water. It would be a dangerous game with how slippery it was, but then Catra would probably press her body weight up against Adora, whimpering and holding on for dear life.

Oh man, Adora could take care of her then. 

Maybe it could be a thing. 

_It had to be a thing._

Seriously. How had they not tried it before? They were so stupid. Both of them. They had a perfectly good shower all this time and-

Adora could barely hold in her excitement. She half considered trying the car thing again, but _no._ Bad idea. "I'm going to get off, okay? We're going back." 

"Waitwaitwait," Catra's eyes flashed with alarm. "Hold up and give me a second."

"Don't you want to go?"

Did Catra not want to try shower sex? Because frankly, Adora was sold. 

"No offense, but you're not exactly graceful with this stuff. I need to prepare to get elbowed in the face or something." 

Never mind. The urge to smirk was gone. 

"You're a jerk." Adora gave no other warning before she climbed off. 

She didn't even elbow Catra in the face!

_Hmph._

The excitement was still there on the way home though. The prospects were too great to let slip away. While there was traffic, Adora actually didn’t much mind. They’d spent so much time in the car together that Adora had begun to treasure driving like this. She entertained herself with idle fantasy to pass time. 

She remained in that dreamland until they returned the house - a sight which immediately ripped her from her fantasies. Suddenly, the shower sex they were supposed to be having was the last thing on her mind.

She turned off the car, hand already a little sweaty. "Did I leave the lights on?”

“I don’t remember. Guess so?”

Catra didn’t sound nearly as panicked as she should. She was too busy side eyeing Adora. 

"... What if we're getting robbed?"

That sparked laughter. Not appropriate. 

"Jesus, Adora. _You're_ not getting robbed. A burglar wouldn't turn the lights on. You probably just forgot."

Adora did not forget. 

"Stay here, please." She exited the car with mounting concern. 

Never one to listen to such silly requests, Catra followed. "I'm not staying here when you're about to have a panic attack." 

"I need to make sure it's safe."

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. All that did was trigger Catra to march straight past Adora and to the front door. "You idiot. _It's safe."_

Adora felt panic stab her heart as she hurried to catch up. “Catra…!”

She didn't make it in time to stop the door from opening. Much to Adora's terror, Catra halted in the doorway the moment it did, her whole body tensing in the worst possible way. Adora practically ran get in between Catra and whatever it was she'd just seen. 

It had to be bad. 

It just had to be.

And it was. 

The answer was crystal clear. After almost one week of _not worrying,_ heavenly denial, and what Adora quickly realized was probably a certain degree of self centeredness, her bubble popped.

It popped hard. 

Because while nothing seemed to be going wrong in her relationship, that wasn't the case for every relationship. 

_"Hi."_

God.

Bow had never looked worse. He looked like he hadn't slept. He clutched his suitcase so tight that his knuckles had gone pale. 

Before you jump on her, Adora had called. She had.

… But she'd only called once. The day after Christmas. He'd picked up and told her he'd call her back. He hadn’t. Adora decided he needed space and then got distracted, same as she always did. Now though? Now, the rest of the world came rushing back with his red eyes and broken voice. It had been too easy to fall into Catra’s arms and push everything away. Adora had been a bad friend. 

"Bow," and she was beyond afraid to ask, the guilt starting to bubble in her stomach. "Why are you um, here…?”

He swayed in place, still holding his luggage far too tightly. There was no anger in his face. He hasn't picked up on her guilt. Maybe he had assumed Adora had been just as upset after the confrontation. Maybe he had assumed she was taking space too. Whatever it was, he definitely didn't seem mad at Adora. He just seemed lost. 

“I was about to call.” He held his phone up. His voice was weak. Too weak to even cry. “... Sorry if I scared you.”

It was then Adora decided she could never tell him about how nice things had been. The peace and quiet. It was a hard thing to come to terms with.

“It’s okay. You’re always welcome, but…”

"She didn’t want to talk about it." Bow answered the question before she could ask it again. "I said we had to. A week later and she still wouldn’t give me a straight answer... One second it's one thing, the- the next it's another. She wanted to celebrate tonight and it all boiled over and I got upset and then I-”

“She kick you out?” Catra cut in.

Bow stiffly shook his head, not quite meeting her eyes. “... She cried for me to stay," and then he turned his attention back to Adora, still sounding like his world had been ripped apart. Adora realized it definitely _had._ “But I told her I needed space. I don't- I don't understand what's happening. I've been trying to and it's so frustrating. I can't believe I'm not talking to her, but she won't tell me. I know you'll tell me, Adora. Please..." 

There was the guilt again, fully realized. It was very close to debilitating. Still, Adora didn't freeze. She couldn't let it control her. She just couldn't. She needed to make things better, not worse. 

She glanced at Catra, trying to convey that she'd need her help. After all, Catra said it so much better. 

They silently agreed.

At that, Adora took Bow's suitcase from his rigid hands and led him to the living room where they could sit.

Sit and talk. 

Less than an hour into the new year. 

_Resolutions were supposed to be fun, not this._

It wasn't easy, but it was easier together. She and Catra explained their rather solidified theory about Glimmer's behavior to Bow. Although receptive, Bow remained stiff with Catra. He kept his eyes on Adora for each question and answer.

As the conversation wore on, she had a sinking feeling that his rigidity was evidence of some newfound post-Christmas ambivalence towards Catra. There was nothing she could do about it though, not now. 

So she soldiered on. 

_"We think she's manipulative. She's been doing this the whole time, like even a year ago when we went to that festival. Remember?"_

_"Catra thinks Glimmer never cared about her. All she wants is for me to leave her."_

_"And we feel that she's angry and controlling."_

It was all very basic, and though she did not speak in absolutes, Adora still expected resistance. Bow had so many years invested in his relationship that she guessed even the basics would be hard to come to terms with. 

It was a surprise when there wasn't much resistance. Maybe it was because he trusted her, or maybe it was because he'd just spent a hellish week with her lies, but yeah...

There was almost none by then. 

He sat, sinking into himself. Head in his hands. He usually saw a way to fix things. He sure wasn't seeing it now. 

"I didn't see it," he mumbled. "Why didn't I see it...?" 

"I don't know. I didn't either."

"I can't believe she did this to us..."

_Us._

More guilt. Adora should've been there. She should've, damn it. Bow was nearly crying because he thought he was a terrible friend, but he didn't understand it was actually Adora who was the bad friend for not being there for him. Catra looked like she felt entirely out of place in this mess of emotion. Bow may have come for an explanation, but the result was hardly easy to handle. 

He asked more questions.

Then _more._

Who knew how late it was by then. It had been over an hour. Adora was exhausted. Maybe that was part of why she was struggling so badly. 

“But why would she think that about you? I just- I just don’t understand. She spent so much time disapproving of Catra...”

“Like I said, we think that was her plan. She uh…”

Adora was having trouble getting actual words out of the fuzz in her mind. God, how hadn't she insisted on talking to him sooner?

"What Adora's trying to say is that Glimmer was- sorry, it _seems like_ Glimmer was trying to manipulate us into breaking up however she could. This was just her new strategy."

"That." Adora snapped her fingers. God help her. "Yes, that. Thank you."

Catra receded into the background once more. She'd been getting quieter and quieter as time had gone on. She was probably tired too. Adora really needed to wrap this up for the day, so she stood up, a little shaky. 

Bow looked up at her, finally ready to deliver the question she'd been expecting for the last hour. 

“Hey, so… I… I know I could go to a hotel, but could I maybe stay here for a while...? I need some time to think.”

She nodded, still feeling like she was going to pass out. Just one more thing. "Yes. Absolutely. I'll… I’ll go set up the guest room.”

Adora exited the living room. She expected Catra to follow. She didn't though, and so Adora lingered just out of sight. 

It was low. 

She had to strain her ears to hear Catra at all. 

And when she did, Adora’s heart nearly broke.

_"... I'm sorry for shoving you. And also, uh…"_

There was a long pause. 

_"For almost punching Glimmer. That wasn't my best moment."_

_"No,"_ Bow agreed just as quietly. _"It really wasn't."_

\--- 

There was no way around it. With Bow there, privacy became scarce. Adora had already done some of the work when it came to Glimmer. 

Bow though…

Bow had not. 

He'd quickly reverted to his worst self. He didn't know what to do with his life. He spent half the time on the phone with Glimmer, trying to hide their arguments by locking himself in the guest room. That was the best part of it though, because unfortunately, he spent the other half wallowing. 

"I was such a terrible friend." 

Point in case...

"No, no. That's not true." Adora said one evening at dinner. An abandoned dinner. She was at his side and rubbing his back, desperately hoping that he wouldn't start crying. 

While she had an enormous amount of empathy for Bow, Catra was struggling a great deal more. 

She was trying. She really was. She'd even attempted to comfort Bow once or twice. It was a nice gesture, and Bow certainly remained polite, but it was clear whatever goodwill she’d built up was gone after her outburst at Christmas. She was back at the bottom of the ladder in Bow’s book. While he seemed hesitant to actually believe anything Glimmer had said about her, he was not at all interested in building a relationship with her - especially not with his current crisis. He was far too confused to make any decisions.

So he didn't. 

And that made things- uh, even more difficult.

Because Bow was everywhere. Everywhere all the time, especially once he took time off work. He was at every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He was there for every movie and every game. Sure, Adora had Catra, but he was supposed to have Glimmer. Without her in the picture, Adora effectively _became_ Glimmer. 

That meant it was all on Adora. It was all on Adora to get up and check on him during his crisis. It was all on Adora to take him out to lunch. It was Adora who did just about everything she could to make things easier for him. That was fair, right? His life was literally falling apart. 

And God, he felt so guilty about needing assistance. It was like a black hole. Any time she helped him with something, his hatred about imposing himself grew. Adora felt just as guilty for not being there earlier. They had this gravitational pull towards each other that built and _built_ and _**built**_ until Adora's exhaustion and his exhaustion were one and the same. 

It didn't help that she needed to start prepping for the upcoming semester. She had lectures to alter. Assignments to write. A syllabus to revise. 

And Adora… Adora was not intelligent enough to see this as an issue. She thought she was doing a pretty good job appropriately dividing her time. Her love for Catra was as strong as ever, even if things were a little hectic. Surely things were fine.

She kissed Catra every morning and night. She still felt love every time they made eye contact. 

Yeah. Surely things were great.

Surely…

"Hey."

The door clicked shut. Hardly loud, but sudden enough to startle Adora out of her work. She'd migrated it all into the unorganized study for the duration of break. She was spending this particular afternoon working on tweaking her lectures on civil society. 

Her head snapped up the moment she heard Catra's voice. "Oh! Hi!" 

"That stuff important?" 

"Nope." Adora bit her lip, realizing how long it had been since she got a really good look at Catra. Nighttime cuddles didn't have the same effect. "I missed you."

"You always miss me." Catra rolled her eyes as she approached.

"I do. There's a lot to miss."

"Don't hurt yourself trying to be smooth. Anyway," Catra quickly changed the subject once she was in front of Adora. "I want to try out the bat."

Hm, that was right. She must not have had the chance yet. 

"Oh? Is the rec center open over break?"

"Yep," she confirmed a little flatly. "I don't think anyone will be there though."

That was probably a good thing too. If Catra felt the need to hit things for some reason, privacy was good. 

Adora looked back down at her work. "Well, you can take the car. You've driven it before."

_"Adora."_

… And back up again. "Hm? Oh…"

Right. 

Cages. 

Feelings. 

Hitting. 

Crap.

Oh man, Adora should've known Catra was mad. Catra was mad and Catra wanted Adora there which meant there was going to be a talk and-

"I'll meet you outside."

Okay.

Okay, yeah. Adora told herself things would be fine. The cage helped Catra communicate so surely this was a good thing. 

Even if walking across campus had been terrifying. 

_A good thing._

Even if it genuinely was below freezing.

_Yep, a good thing._

Even if Adora was on edge. 

_At least Catra liked the bat?_

She was undeniably mad about something. She didn't talk at first, instead taking her time to blow a tiny bit of steam off. Adora appreciated that Catra was trying to get a hold of herself. The anticipation, on the other hand, was a less than pleasant experience. She kept glancing around, half expecting some other crazy person to want to use the outdoor batting cages in this weather. 

The machine was out for at least the fourth time before Catra bothered to say anything. But once she made the decision to talk, it was complete. There was no going back. Safe to turn around, Catra finally made piercing eye contact and ominously tapped the tip of the bat against the cage. Adora waited with bated breath for whatever was coming, and then, "I'd leave her."

Sorry. Uh.

_"What?"_

That was not at all what Adora expected. She wasn't entirely sure what she had expected, but whatever that had been wasn't in the running. 

_Although in retrospect, it probably should've been._

"If I were Bow, I'd leave Glimmer." Catra repeated, refusing to break eye contact and hypnotically swinging the bat side to side. "I wouldn't be staying with you for so long either. I'd have a plan."

"Catra, I-... I don't know…" 

"What? I would." 

"It's not that simple."

"It so is." Catra shot back, something more difficult to discern than mere frustration coloring the way she spoke. "People like to pretend this shit is complicated. It's not. It's hard, but it's simple. So if I were him, I'd leave her. That's all I'm saying."

She might've been right about it actually being simple. At the very least, she was certainly correct about the fact it was in Bow's best interest to leave. That wasn't up for debate at all, and Adora agreed. What Catra was failing to see, however, was that that didn't matter. It just wasn't up to her or Adora. Bow had a different relationship with Glimmer. It would be unfair for them to make demands of him. This simply wasn't the appropriate way to work things out, be it Bow's relationship or her and Catra's. 

Adora had to draw the line somewhere. "I'm sorry, but this feels like a really immature way of expressing how you're feeling. We can't push him one way or the other."

"Yeah, okay." Catra said, voice cracking slightly before turning back to the machine and starting loading it up again.

Adora was totally dumbfounded. 

_Like, Jesus. What the hell? Way to work out her emotions!_

Seriously, when was the last time Catra had acted like this? 

To be completely honest, Adora was a little angry at first. There was no excuse for Catra to be regressing. Catra had held things together so well for so long. She'd made a real effort to express herself in helpful ways, not hurtful ones. This kind of reaction was just- 

No. Adora dug deeper, bringing herself down from that place of upset. This was too strange. It felt like Catra was battling with herself, simultaneously trying to force herself open up and clam up at the same time. 

Alright. Take two. She took a deep breath, searching deep until she tapped into the fact that she really did love Catra. 

_After all, weren't slip ups like these what love was for?_

"Where is this coming from?" Adora dropped her tone into what she hoped conveyed her new approach. "I know something's bothering you. I know it feels hard to talk about, but please, what's this really about?"

Catra froze at the shift, hovering just a few inches above the button to start the machine. "It's nothing. It's…" 

"... Do you not like Bow after what happened?" Adora prodded. That would be okay, but Catra needed to let it out if that were the case.

"No, it's not that. It's just-..."

"Catra, you know I'm here for you." 

"I have to see it, okay…!? I get that she did it, but every time he's there, I feel like- like it's _me._ I fucked up too. I'm sorry, but I wish he'd just fucking leave…! I don't want to be reminded of it." 

Oh...

All this time…

Adora had spent all this time feeling guilty while trying to convince Bow not to be and she hadn't remembered to check in with Catra. Because Catra was always there now, always understanding…

Goodnight kisses were not enough to remedy this. Catra probably felt just as terrible. She'd just been bottling it up to the point it couldn't come out graciously.

To put it simply, oh _shit._

"And I don't want to fuck up your friendship with him just because I'm having a hard time, okay? He's got it bad too and-... I-... I tried to handle it on my own. I'm just really fucking _frustrated,"_ and her voice cracked again there. Adora was already opening the door to the cage. For once, she knew what was coming next. "I get you have to be there for him. I get it. But break is over soon, so could you be here for me some more too? Because you're so busy and I… I miss you too."

There that was, as predicted. 

Adora pulled her into an impossibly tight hug. 

"Thank you for telling me." Even if it had highlighted the side of Catra that Adora liked least. "Really, thank you. You know it's not your fault, the same way you told me it's not mine. I'm here now." 

"I'm not asking for the whole world," Catra mumbled, "but can we please do something together every day? Just us?" 

Easy. Done. Adora nodded without hesitation. 

"Yes, absolutely. Let's start today. What can I do?"

Catra had to take a few moments to fully relax. She muttered a few broken words and something that sounded like an apology before her breathing came down entirely. It took another good thirty seconds for her to come up with something. 

And when she did?

"... Humor me?"

_Humor her?_

Oh-

Catra took off her helmet and practically squashed it down onto Adora's head. Adora bit back every objection she had...

_Goodbye, hair poof._

Because Adora had said they could start literally right then. Because Catra seemed almost hopeful now. But most important of all, because Catra had chosen to share this practically religious ritual with her. 

"You ever used a baseball bat before?"

"Uh, maybe during gym in middle school?"

Catra thrust the new bat into her hand, then led Adora into place and started adjusting her stance like she was a mannequin. "It's your lucky day. Now you get to try."

Adora swallowed down further reservations. 

_Maybe tomorrow's "just them" time could be a hike or something…_

Catra nudged the back of Adora's foot to push it up a few inches. "Okay. Put your weight on your heels, then bend your knees a little."

Adora did so. She expected to feel different, somehow - and technically speaking, she did. 

"I feel really stupid."

"Well you look really stupid, so least we're on the same page. Bend your knees more."

"Okay, okay." Adora bent her knees, feeling more ridiculous by the second. _God, so embarrassing._

"Swing with your shoulders and hips too. Don't just do it with your arms. And don't hold the bat like that."

"Like what?" 

"Stop palming it. Loosen up a little."

"Won't it go flying?"

"You better not let it. I like that bat.” Catra grinned.

Her smile sparked a tiny yet familiar flame in Adora. The one that made moments perfect. Maybe it wasn't worth being so embarrassed… 

Catra adjusted her batting position just a little more, then walked to the pitching machine. "Wow, very hot. I mean, to me." 

_Maybe she should just embrace it?_

"Aren't you afraid I'll hit you?" Adora gave her a wry smile. 

"I'll get afraid if you manage to hit a ball at all. Speaking of which, we're not using the machine. I'm tossing you a few because this thing-" Catra patted the machine, "-will take out an eye." 

"What's the point of the helmet if it doesn't protect your eyes?"

"To protect your brain, genius. So I guess it's not really necessary for you, but hey."

Wow, thanks. 

One throw. Underhand. Pitiful, really. It had a pitiful arc and it was so slow that Adora swung way too early. Some of the embarrassment came back. 

"Strike." Catra felt the need out as she picked up another ball. 

"We're not on an actual pitch. You don't have to-"

Another throw. It was still slow. 

"Strike, again. Can you stop sucking? You're embarrassing me. Honestly, you need glasses. Although maybe that's a good thing. _It would complete the professor look…"_

Adora just rolled her eyes, glad that at least Catra was enjoying herself. "You're holding back." 

Surely that would get a reaction.

"Oh? You want harder? Why didn't you say so-" Catra huffed, cranking her arm back in an absolutely terrifying way. "-princess!" 

Adora closed her eyes and-

_Whack!_

The metal of the cage rattled in an oddly satisfying way. 

It was pure luck, really. 

No skill. 

Catra looked more than pleased. "Well shit. Looks like you could be a softball lesbian after all." She went to pick up the ball Adora had hit. "Sign it for me?" 

"Oh shut up."

"I had to try. It's good though, isn't it?"

"Yeah, kind of. I see why you do it." 

"Feels like you're cracking skulls." Catra smirked. 

"I wouldn't put it that way, but whatever gets you through the day." 

Adora handed the bat over, hoping she'd never be subjected to such a dangerous sport again. When she did, Catra unexpectedly hugged her. 

_Mm…_

_Sweet._

"... I'm glad you let me torture you." 

It wasn't exactly the kind of moment Adora was used to, but it still counted for something. Tomorrow though. Tomorrow, she was getting Catra to try something new too. 

"Oh, you know," she kissed Catra's forehead, still brainstorming a proper revenge. "What are girlfriends for?"

Catra chuckled.

Love and torture. 

That was for sure. 

Those little tortuous activities became the new perfect moments, at least for the rest of break. Adora found herself experiencing happiness even when embarrassed. Thankfully, Catra reacted much the same. They pushed each other out of their comfort zones in the best of ways. Sometimes it was forcing Catra to try liver and laughing at her reaction. Sometimes it was Catra getting back at her by purposefully ruining sex by refusing to call Adora anything except "professor." Whatever it ended up being on any given day, it counted. 

And it counted for a lot. 

Communication came back on.

Catra wasn't nearly as immature. She seemed to handle everything significantly better despite the continued discomfort with Bow. Adora also imposed stronger limits to match Catra's effort. Overall, she also juggled life far better than before. Adora might've been excessively patting herself on a back, but honestly? She actually considered break a success overall. She'd managed to get everything under control. So had Catra. 

And Bow…

Well. He'd made his decision after the thousandth phone call. "I'm going to go back. I remember everything you said, but she wants to talk. She's been begging. I… I need to. I have to at least try and figure this out." 

_Adora didn't feel that was where he needed to be…_

It was nothing short of a declaration though. He'd cried himself out. He'd broken down. He was dangerously teetering on the edge all over again, but it was his relationship and his choice. Adora loved her friend. She'd respect that. 

_And technically speaking, he was better than where he'd been._

She made sure to give him a big hug before he left. He held on tight. "Alright. Good luck, I love you."

"I love you too, Adora. Goodbye, Catra." At that, he turned to leave. 

His taxi or Uber or whoever, maybe even Glimmer, was waiting outside. 

Adora knew Catra was relieved to see him head out. She hadn't messed with their neutralness towards each other, not even after Catra's conversation at the cage. She'd just let them exist alongside each other. Development could come later. They had time. It could-

"Bow."

"Huh?" He looked over her shoulder to find Catra making very intentional eye contact with him. 

It was the first time they'd directly spoken to each other in several days. 

"When she runs out of excuses and blames you, don't believe her."

There was an awkward pause. 

"Well," Bow gave her an unsure smile. He obviously didn't know what to do with that. "I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. Maybe we missed something."

"Yeah," Adora cleared her throat. "Maybe." 

Another few seconds and the door shut. He was gone and all the tension in the house released. It was amazing. Things felt almost normal. 

Almost.

Adora turned her attention to Catra, who was still staring at the door. "I know you're right, but was it worth being that blunt with him?"

"When has lying ever helped?"

"She's not going to like it when he doesn't buy it."

"And you wouldn't like it if he did." Catra shrugged. 

That was a hard truth. Hm.

"I guess all I can hope is that he talks her down." Adora decided. "For them," she then clarified. "Not for me. She's his world. And honestly, he still might be hers..."

"Yeah." Catra muttered. "I don't know what to hope for. Hope isn't going to change whatever happens." 

Oh Catra. So solemn. Adora clasped Catra's hand, forcing out that familiar smile. "We've got like two days before classes begin. Let's try and be happy before work- uh, school starts up again. What do you want to do for fun today?"

Catra looked up at her, still with that little smile. Hesitant and hopeful. "Honestly, not much. I just want to enjoy the rest of break while it lasts."

Well, that was fair. Maybe a simple movie night was the way to go. Adora was excited for everything to be just them again. For the privacy to return. For the happiness to settle. Like she had many times before, she kissed Catra, determined to commit just one more perfect moment to memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Bow
> 
> Too pure for this world 
> 
> At any other point I wouldn't call this a light chapter but after those last two? This is a lighter chapter. Thanks for reading and commenting guys! Y’all never fail to be fantastic.


	15. Ring-a-Ding-Ding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy all!  
> It's Thursday, and you all know what that means. Rain or shine...

_"Again."_

Catra's demand came out raspy, but she was unable to hide the want behind it, even now. Adora could tell. She could always tell what Catra needed. She pressed a palm hard against the edge of the dresser, rocking its heel back and forth until she'd regained some control over her more commanding tone. 

"You'll have to behave," Adora said brusquely, that now insistent pang of _what the hell_ accompanying her words. 

_“What if I don't?”_

“Then I’ll have to stop," she bit her lip to stifle an unsure giggle before continuing, "and you wouldn’t like that, would you?”

_“Fuck…”_

"That's what I thought," Adora shifted her weight onto her right leg, still leaning in. “I tell you what you're doing to do. You're going to take off your pants, and then you'll do exactly what I say because I know you want to be good for- for…” Adora trailed off. Look, she couldn't hold it in. Her badly hidden giggles finally burst into fit laughter. Hell, she almost dropped her phone. 

She couldn’t believe she was doing this. She’d planned on heading in late today, having spent some time trudging through grading some of the terrible early semester submissions, but then Catra had texted her with yet another “idea.” They’d kept up their new habit of trying new things after the semester began, and apparently, this was what Catra had come up with in light of her late morning horniness. What an idea it had been. At first, Catra was excited. Then she thought Adora's difficulty was kind of cute. Now she was…

_"Adoraaa…! Ugh, you’re such a jerk.”_

"Sorry! I'm sorry! I just feel like, really awkward? I mean, I'm good. Totally good. I can try again! I'm not really sure what I'm uhhh, what I'm doing though." 

_"You're getting me off."_ Catra grumbled.

"Am I really?" 

_"Good point. I haven't come yet, so."_

Adora finally let up on the edge of the dresser. Oh wow, there was a slight imprint there. She didn't know she was that strong. Maybe she was a little extra anxious. Maybe the quality was just bad. You know what, never- never mind. Not the point. “Do I have to call you _‘good’_ so much?"

_“You haven’t got a problem with saying I’m perfect.”_

Well Catra was perfect. Good felt like a downgrade. Besides, "it just feels a little weird! I don't think I've done it this much before.”

_“I swear that I- okay, listen, if this isn't working for you then I'd rather-"_

"No! No. I said I'd try it. I'll try it. Just give me a second. This isn't like when we're together, you know?" 

That was the unfortunate truth. Adora had mastered Catra's desired dirty talk (or at least she thought so), and she'd definitely mastered being in control. She had not mastered dirty talk and being in control while not being able to see or touch Catra and _oh yeah,_ also being on the phone. It felt really, really silly. It was amazing she'd gotten as far as she had. 

_"... Yeah, I know."_ Catra sighed on the other end of the line, heat gone and not quite sounding resigned, but close. Admittedly, the sigh made Adora slightly guilty. She had agreed to this. _"I miss being there all the time, but alright. If you’re sure you still want to give it a shot..."_

Adora knew the feeling. Alright, really. One more time. Trying again with all her might was the least she could do. 

She decided to lay back on the bed this time, running her thumb over her necklace. "I am. Ready?"

 _"For like the last ten minutes, yup."_ Catra teased with just a slight edge. 

Adora thought about where she'd left off. “Alright, Catra, you're naked for me now, right?"

_"Mhm."_

Then cleared her throat of any residual laughter, and purposefully lowered her voice. "You're willing to be loud for me, aren't you?"

_"... Mmm, maybe."_

"Take off your pants like I said before," she commanded, already fighting a tickle in the back of her throat.

Based on the sounds coming from the other end, Catra was hurrying to obey. Adorable. 

A little deeper for emphasis, "you’re being so _good_ for me.”

Too deep? 

Oh man. She expected Catra to groan in annoyance again. 

But she didn’t. _That really worked for her, huh?_ There was shuffling on the other end of the line, then a short gasp. All potential amusement died in Adora's throat. Catra had not made that sound before. Nope. Talk about Niagara Falls because that was literally all it took for Adora to get it. It was like a lightswitch. She had thought it was a silly idea, but probably an easy one to indulge. Apparently it was an _amazing_ idea, as well as an incredibly difficult one to indulge correctly. Correctly brought many, many wonderful feelings, however. Adora decided that instant that she needed to hear more.

One problem though…

She didn’t know what to say. She hadn't memorized anything like she usually did. 

A little too long, but then it came to her. “Wait.”

_“Huh…?”_

“You don’t get to touch yourself until I say you can. You're going to listen, remember that." She made sure not to phrase it as a question. No more questions. 

_“Oh fuck, Adora.”_

“Bring the phone closer. I want to hear all the beautiful noises you make.” The volume of Catra’s breathing increased almost immediately. “Good. You’re so good. I’m so proud. Now, tell me what you want."

_"You already know."_

"If you want to be good…"

There was a low grumble on the other end, almost embarrassed. _"... I want to touch myself."_

"Perfect. And now tell me what you need."

 _"I need you to let me."_ Catra said with a little more strength.

"Say please." 

_"Fine, please…"_ Yet a little more desperation, too. 

Oh man, Adora felt that one. She leaned forward, one elbow propped up against the top of the dresser for support. "Good girl," she whispered, pulling out another deliciously short breath from Catra. "Start outside. Slowly."

_"Why slow?"_

"Because that's how I always take care of you. I'm taking care of you right now too," and Adora couldn't resist. "Because I love you. I love how good you are." 

Catra exhaled more softly at that praise, this time a clear sound of relief. Adora shut her eyes, trying to imagine exactly what Catra must look like, laying on her bed and slowly circling her clit. 

Adora was starting to get braver with it. “Faster." Catra's breath almost immediately hitched, sending yet more warmth straight between Adora's thighs. She rolled onto her side, holding the phone even tighter. "Let me hear more. I love hearing all the pretty sounds you make when I touch you, you know."

 _"Keep g-going…"_ Catra pleaded, somehow still with a light growl. 

"You can do one." 

She gasped sharply. It came through so clear, yes so clear; Adora wanted to undress and join her. No though, this was for Catra. It was her idea. 

"Just like that. You're so perfect like that. Push it deep."

Another gasp. _"Yes."_

"So perfect, touching yourself for me. I can't believe I'm not there…"

_"Yes, Adora-"_

"But I think you can go deeper. Go deeper. Be good for me again because I need to hear more." 

Adora did, jerky rhythmic sounds were more than audible. Catra was always rough with herself. 

_“Yes- f-fuck yes- I-”_

Always breathy. 

"God, I wish I could taste you right now. I think I will tonight, don’t you?" And before Catra could reply. "Two now."

Actually, it sounded like Catra wouldn't have been able to reply if she wanted to. She was too overcome with her own pleasure. Her breathing was fast, rapid as her hand must've been. Building too. God. Adora held the phone even tighter, still willing herself not to get naked or shove her hand down her pants. She was dressed for the day. She wasn't supposed to go backwards. 

Somehow, Catra stuttered out a few broken words. _"Adora- I n-need-"_

But Adora didn't want that. "Another."

_"Fuck…!"_

She wanted Catra's complete satisfaction.

"Good. So good. You're going to come for me just the way I like."

Catra dropped the phone. It fell onto the bed, obviously at her side. Adora held her breath, below raging as she listened to the exquisite show that Catra could not keep quiet, just how Adora liked. Her hand twitched again. Her self restraint was hanging by a thread when it finally happened. The pace at which Catra was moving her hand audibly increased alongside a rapid set of grunts, a long string of uncontrolled moans, and then finally, a relieved sigh. 

Adora waited, feeling a grin spread across her face, as Catra's breathing finally slowed to the point where it couldn't be heard. It didn't last long though. 

_"Good morning to me, fuck…"_

"How was that?"

_"Was good morning not enough of a hint?"_

"I was hoping you'd tell me how good I did. Since you know, we're doing that so much now." Now that was done, Adora sat up, _got up,_ and finally exited the bedroom to head into the kitchen. 

She could practically hear Catra roll her eyes at that. _"You really are an ass."_ There was the sound of her adjusting, sitting up, probably. _"... I uh, appreciate you trying it with me, by the way."_

"No problem! It was really fun, and um…”

Catra laughed. _“Someone’s a fan. That was faster than I thought. Color me impressed."_

"Maybe." Adora grabbed a box of cereal, then pulled out some milk from the fridge. "I considered joining, if that tells you anything. I have to get going soon though."

 _"Fuck, I love that idea. One sec,"_ a few taps, Catra navigating somewhere. _"I literally just wrote that down for later, bet you're happy about your terrible influence. What's up today, anyway?"_

"Pretty short day. I spent the morning avoiding going in and grading-"

_"Wow, you don't do that too often."_

And poured both into a bowl. "Aren't you glad I stayed home?"

_"I would've wanted you to do it even if you were in the office."_

"Aha, no. How about you? What are you doing before tonight?" 

_"It's a short one for me too. I only had my 8am, so I'm going to spend the afternoon with Scorpia and her crush, God help me. I'm being dragged along as backup."_

"Oh? Good luck with that." Adora chuckled, finally settling at a table. 

_"For sure. I mean, I'm happy for her,"_ Catra paused, _"but I don't know how impressed this lady'll be with me there too."_

"Sounds like you're in for a poorly disguised date."

_"Unfortunately. It's also a date that starts in fifteen minutes."_

"Well, I hope you can have a good time. If not, there's always tonight." 

_"There is."_ Catra’s tone grew downright devious at the mention. Adora almost dropped her spoon. She felt her heart skip a beat, then suddenly became unsure how on Earth she was supposed to bring up anything serious at all during date night if Catra was going to continue to be this horny.

She was supposed to bring up something serious, by the way. 

You probably noticed that Catra seemed to have relaxed since the semester began. She had her rhythm. She had a ton of work. And she had Adora at her beckoning, of course. Adora, on the other hand, had become a little more tense. So they'd done a bit of a swap. There were two reasons why Adora often felt a little tense, but this one was currently the most pertinent. 

So like, have you ever dug yourself so deep in a hole, you genuinely wondered whether or not you'd be better off letting yourself get buried? Adora had. She should've brought up her potentially self centered discomfort about Catra's future like, a month ago. If she'd expressed her fears before break started, the present would probably feel way less stressful. 

One would think she would know better than to bottle it up for so long. She honestly had figured that out; she'd changed her tune and everything. Still though, she couldn't quite shake the feeling that while it was often a great idea to talk about emotions, if there had been any way she could process these feelings with burdening Catra, that would've been ideal. 

She didn't though. 

And now they were here. 

Catra had finished perfecting her applications and submitted them quite a while ago. She had couple in before break, but all of them had been due by the end. She'd been so quiet about the process that Adora had hardly even realized she'd done it. By now though, it was literally half of what Catra ever talked about. She hadn't asked Adora for help. Adora wasn't offended. Catra's applications were probably flawless. To be honest, Adora had no idea what she was doing when she was applying. Well, not no idea. She just didn't know if it was the right idea… 

Oh well. She knew she had to say something before Catra's inevitable acceptances bulldozed her. _What_ was the worry. 

Alright, so actually- well. Well maybe letting herself get buried wasn't the right way to think about it. Or if it was, maybe she finally had a plan to dig herself out. Because the good news was that while she was plenty worried about it, by now, she felt (semi?) prepared for the conversation she knew she needed to have. It was less about planning each step and more about them as a couple. She'd already made some minor progress on the issue all by herself, and together they'd made it through so, so much more. She felt like- mm, yeah, like she knew how to talk to Catra now. Like she'd figured out the kinks. Their conversation at the batting cage ended up great! 

Adora would just have to make it clear that she would never actually want to take away Catra's opportunities. That she always supported her. All she meant by the conversation was that she really loved her and would also really miss her. Hopefully they could talk about their plan for when Catra went away and everything would be fantastic.

_… Surely it would go well, right?_

Yeah! Of course it would. Adora was not at all ambivalent to having the conversation. Of course... 

Okay, so she swung back and forth on that one a lot. On the one hand, she trusted their ability to get through it. On the other hand, she really didn't want to need to. 

_Why couldn't the feeling just go away on its own?_

So yeah, that was half of what tonight's date night was going to be for. Not the sexiest, but hey. Communication was still plenty romantic. She pushed her nervousness to the back of her head. There was no reason to worry - at least for now. Other things mattered! Like, seriously, she'd just sort of gotten Catra off with her voice. Who could've guessed she could do _that?_ Also, did that technically count as good communication? Adora decided yes. Yes it did. 

_"Welllll, on that note, I probably need to get ready too. I’ll see you tonight. I love you, dork.”_

"I can’t wait," and eh, what the hell. Catra couldn't murder her through the phone. "I love you too, _honey."_

As expected, Catra promptly hung up on her. Good talk. It was mostly for comedic effect, thus an unphased Adora simply returned to her cereal. 

Well, anyways. 

The last dredges of break had gone about as smoothly as possible. Of course, that was just break. It had been a semi-painful transition to the semester. They'd spent so long simply cohabitating that being forced apart brought tears - to Adora, that was. To be fair, Catra hadn't liked it either. Adora had offered for Catra to try and cancel her housing contract and just stay until the end of the year. 

Wouldn't that be nice? 

Catra had declined. According to her, Scorpia was still on her about a lot of things. Uncharacteristically so. It was the longest she'd ever acted so strictly, apparently. Thankfully, it didn't really worry either of them. Their semester together was over. Scorpia would not be privy to anymore awkward office hours encounters. Things felt safe when it came to that. Catra just needed somewhere to bring friends over, and honestly, it was best if it looked lived in. They'd developed a system to balance things out. Catra spent the night about half of every week. It was a good system. 

Except for the fact Adora _hated_ sleeping alone.

Seriously, how did anyone do it? 

Sure, it could get too hot sometimes. Sometimes Catra would burrito up in the blankets. A lot of things about it could be annoying. But that was the fun of it! That was the best part! Adora wouldn't have it any other way. Sleeping alone was cold and lonely and reminded her of a time she'd rather not think about. 

Yeah, having to sleep without the love of her life for half the week sucked. 

Besides moments like the one they’d just had, it gave her time to think about stuff…

Like _not_ Catra stuff. 

And that was the second thing that made Adora tense.

Adora's life was nowhere near as complicated as Bow's (actually, even she recognized that all in all, it was really pretty good). He was still with Glimmer, still confused, and unfortunately somewhat distant lately. Things had absolutely not been worked out, that much was clear, yet he kept insisting that couldn't stand to leave. That she'd change. That she'd apologize. That there had to be something. Nothing had happened though, and Glimmer hadn't offered any good excuses. 

Not that Adora had asked…

She just figured Bow would update her if anything major happened. Instead, he was pretty wishy washy. He refused to outright say she was manipulative since he'd moved back in, probably out of some strange principle. 

Adora could tell he thought it though, was probably sinking into it even further. He'd realized it New Year's Day and there was no escaping reality. No fixing it either, no matter how hard Bow fought for it. He needed a thousand apologies and Glimmer wouldn't give anything. His texts had become less and less, and when they did come through, they'd become less and less hopeful. 

Adora suspected they were building to another fight. When that happened, it was unlikely they'd survive. It'd be another blow up. Bow would leave and never come back. 

It was an uncomfortable thought in the back of her head. 

Sigh. She sometimes wondered if she should've been more definite in her condemnation, as it might've made this process quicker. She always had to remind herself that it wasn't her choice. 

All she could do was be supportive. 

(11:53 a.m.)

_**Adora:** Are you doing alright?_

She sent that as she finished her very late breakfast, hoping Bow would reply soon. He might not though, because again, he was distant. Sometimes it took a full day or two to get a reply. Perhaps busy was the right term. He was expending a lot of emotional energy. 

Man, she wished him luck…

She left the house completely unwound. Her late morning adventure had been replaced with thoughts of Bow, and then just general things about the semester so far. They'd hardly begun, but tested a few things out, Adora could already come up with a thousand new bits of material she wanted to adjust for future classes. 

She didn't expect Catra to return with teasing until the evening. 

Not at all. 

\---

She should've known better. 

(12:56 p.m.)

_**Catra:** real quick before class. ive got a question for you_

_**Catra:** [image] _

_**Catra:** [image] _

_**Catra:** which? _

Adora nearly dropped her phone. Catra was wearing neither shirt nor pants in either photo. The first photo was of her wearing just a lacy bra and panties, both blood crimson and practically see through. The second was similar, except in black. 

So, uhhh...

Yep. That was certainly something to precede lecture with. Also, Adora was really, really confused. Those messages raised way more questions than it answered.

(12:56 p.m.)

_**Adora:** What's happening??? I don't understand._

_**Catra:** i said day drinking and scorpias crush said shopping_

_**Catra:** you see who won that argument _

_**Catra:** thought id make it more fun for me. seriously which?_

Oh wow. Adora bit her lip. 

(12:57 p.m.)

_**Adora:** I like the red. _

_**Catra:** huh. i like the black _

_**Catra:** oh well _

_**Adora:** Hey, are you comfortable doing stuff like this?_

_**Catra:** yeah of course. are you?_

She had to think about that. Her eyes drifted back up and…

She had to think about that! Not about Catra's half naked body. Jesus, she almost forgot how brazen Catra could be. If things got too settled, she'd do something like- well, like _this._ Anyways, phone sex was one thing. This was another kind of thing. This was visual. Honestly, her comfort level dipping into stuff like that really depended on Catra's expectations. 

(12:58 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Am I supposed to do it back?_

_**Adora:** I mean, are you expecting me to?_

_**Catra:** nah. only if you want_

Another moment of consideration, another drift, and Adora decided she didn't want to. Not yet, anyway. It wasn't a matter of love. It was more, um, a matter of personal comfort. Catra was good with that though! And that made a huge difference. Brought all the happy relief. She spent another ten seconds staring at the photos. _She sure was okay with that._ Man, it really was going to be very difficult to bring up negative feelings later. Maybe she could push the grad school conversation off another day or two? What were the chances a decision actually came out today? 

(12:58 p.m.)

_**Adora:** I'm alright with you doing it, I think._

Alright was an understatement. Yeah, it was decided then that the talk could wait for another date night. Adora just wanted _uhhh,_ that. Today was going to be an easy day. No deeply emotional feelings about the future, thanks so much. 

(12:59 p.m.)

_**Adora:** You look amazing. :)_

(12:59 p.m.)

 _ **Catra:** good to know_

_**Catra:** ill get the red. love you_

Love. God, how could Catra just ruin her so easily? At times like these, Adora still couldn't believe she was so darn wrapped up. 

She smiled down at her phone for one second longer than she probably should have, then finally summoned the will to click its screen off as she approached the doors to the lecture hall. No, it wasn't the same without Catra. Still though, this was where the new semester was at. She might dislike everything else that came with the job, but she was still in the swing of teaching. She'd held on to most of that confidence she'd built up. Being useful and interesting was just such a satisfying feeling! Today would be the beginnings of city building. It wasn't usually Adora's strong point, but she'd taken the time to beef things up and was very excited to see how her now much more dynamic class would go. 

She put her phone away just as she entered the lecture hall, ready to let the chatter actually pump her up as opposed to make her feel nervous. She ran over a couple announcements she needed to make before getting started, double checking their order and-

_Had she walked into the wrong room?_

Adora came to an abrupt halt. 

No, it wasn't the wrong room. Her TAs were there. They were urgently staring at her. They were waiting for guidance from the side of the room, equally lost. 

Because that-

That was a man setting up his own lecture in the front of class. Also, the students were all watching him. 

"Uh, who are _you…?_ And what are you doing in my class…?"

The man intent on setting up in her room heard, then looked up and broke into a somewhat confused smile. "... Your- you mean you- oh! I'm your sub for the week. Nobody told you about me?"

 _Substitute?_

Actual substitutes were very rare. If Adora needed to attend to something else, she'd just cancel class. If she got really sick and needed multiple days, she'd have a TA cover for her. The TAs knew it too, hence their concern. 

Students were starting to notice the situation now. Their chatter turned to quiet yet excited murmurs. It was unnerving to Adora, like a mass of distorted and judgemental humming.

She shook her head. "No," she said quietly, her entire body starting to tingle with little zaps of unpleasant electricity. "No one told me…"

"I'm pretty sure you have an email or something somewhere. I was told you had some really important business to attend to and that I'm here for the week no matter what."

_No matter what._

The small zaps turned into a far more powerful burning sensation. Adora's throat went dry, all the moisture just about everywhere threatening her eyes instead, just like they always did. Her brain was in overdrive, threatening to overheat just to put the two near crystal clear puzzle pieces together. 

She knew she was taking far too long to reply. "Right… I have- yeah… I have that thing. I guess I forgot. I'll go…"

"No worries at all," the man said, still with that uncomfortable smile, before finally returning his attention back to his materials. "Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll do great." 

"T-Thanks." 

Now everyone's eyes were on her, yet her feet wouldn't move. They were glued to the ground. She knew this feeling - no, _no._ This was about to be worse. 

Her hand- and God it was so clammy, gravitated back to the pocket she'd just slipped her phone into. It was almost autopilot to open up her email, something she hadn't checked since she replied to a student's midnight paper crisis around dawn. She just hadn't. Too distracted. Decided to go in late. Graded. Got ready. Catra...

And there it was. 

_Catra._

It had dropped late in the morning a little before she was-

Dropped now like molten lead into her stomach. 

Her eyes scanned over the text, soaking in as little as possible while still being able to comprehend what was actually happening to her. Only a few words stuck with her in the end, but they were more than enough to finally complete the horrific puzzle. The image was grim. Because rules were rules. Rules were rules and Adora had broken them, that they were sure of. She looked back up from her phone, staring into the void. 

They didn't want any moving pieces, you see. That's why this man was getting ready to teach Adora's class. Just about everything would be in limbo until the _"investigation into faculty misconduct"_ on Friday.

Until they decided what to do with her. 

No, she wasn't even supposed to be here.

The message was clear: stay home.

If she had any pressing questions, she was advised to talk to the Dean. She was to sit tight until then. Be good. Be quiet and-

And.

Don't.

Touch.

Anything. 

_It started as a trickle. Pressure..._

_… The initial dread had been bad enough._

After several more seconds of stuckness, Adora finally managed to rip herself away and turn to exit the classroom, acutely aware of how every muscle in her body moved. She had to force herself to breathe too. Didn't matter. Lungs burned. 

_Oh yes, it started as a trickle…_

She'd never walked so fast in her life. _Her heart. Racing._ She needed out, away before whatever it was exploded. Fear alone didn't do it. Panic. Rage...? At who? Panic. 

One of the last coherent thoughts Adora had one campus was that they shouldn't call terrible moments bad dreams. Bad dreams. Nightmares. Such words implied waking up. There was no waking up from the pounding in her chest. From the pounding of her feet on the sidewalk.

Everyone she passed was looking. No, they weren't. _Yes they were._ No-

The students couldn't know yet, but her department? It would spread like a virus. Infect everyone and everything within days. She was purely fixated on escaping as soon as physically possible. So fixated, she nearly ran into someone. 

She froze again. 

"I'm-"

No, _nonono._

"I'm-..."

She couldn't do this again. Stop. She couldn't or she'd- then it would- i-it might- 

_Sorry_ didn't come out. Adora turned heel and pushed on, heart in her throat, swelling so much she felt like she was going to choke. 

No, she couldn't remember the drive. Necessity bred ability. Catra wasn't there, so Adora had to do it. Had to. Had to. Had and... 

She might've blasted through red lights, but who cared. She didn't. 

_Home._

She burst inside, feeling herself struggle to swallow each breath. Someone was crying. She didn't know who. 

_Heart. Racing._

Adora flung her bag to the side like it was fire. It represented everything she was never cut out to be. 

But there was a crack. Definitely her laptop. 

_Why had she thrown it so hard. Was everything going to break?_

She realized her hands had begun trembling when she took her coat off. It didn't make it anywhere except the floor. 

This was a slow revving devastation. Slow revving not because it wasn't destructive on campus, it had been - slow because it was still building. Worse. Worse and worse. Adora didn't know when it would stop. Surely there was supposed to come a point where things capped off, but it hadn't yet. It hadn't and- and it hadn't. It hadn't and it hadn't made sense and it-

She paced back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth and back and forth, each swivel harsher than the last, still dimly attempting to calm her breathing as the pressure inside built. She removed her phone from her pocket. It lit up over and over every so often. Someone. Something. Faster. Over and over. In her hands as well, and for a split second, she thought about breaking it too. What? Why? She knew shouldn't. Couldn't. 

She needed a plan. She tried to unscramble her thoughts, but no, no. There were no plans for this. There were consequences. But she did need, oh yes she needed. 

Something good and-

What mattered was that she needed Catra. Adora was just barely cognizant enough to recognize that. She saw that she could not text with how bad her hands were, so she didn't try. After several failed attempts, she managed to press call.

"Please. _Please."_

It rang once, twice, and then voicemail. 

"Please no," she choked. "Please no. No. No no no, n-no- no…!"

_"This is Catra, obviousl-"_

Off. Shut off. She couldn't explain in a voicemail. Couldn't handle it alone. But- but she was alone...

Someone messaged not long after, probably Catra saying she couldn't actually talk right now, but texting would be fine. But she didn't understand. She didn't have any idea what had happened. She must not have put two and two together. Too distracted. Adora _should've_ been in class. 

The phone screen began to distort in her grip. Too tight. Too hard, just like the laptop. 

_More pressure. She couldn't seem to stop. She knew she shouldn't do this. Couldn't. Wouldn't._

The stream of texts continued. Continued until she saw that the screen was slowly discoloring to the point of no return. Upon the realization that it really would break like everything else, she barely managed to force herself to drop it on the dining room table like it was hot coal. She backed away. Her back hit something. Something fell from somewhere, shattered. 

_Broken. Like everything else._

She shouldn't. 

_Like everything else._

Shouldn't. 

_Building._

Shouldn't.

_Broken and..._

_More than a trickle, a stream preceding a flood. Had no way in. No way out._

It was everywhere at once. Spurred her into action She realized she'd been crying this whole time. Who- who could've known how hot her face would get? So sticky. She felt herself burning. Was that why everyone had looked? Had they _really?_

She had to move. She had to do something to relieve the pressure. 

She pushed into the kitchen and turned the sink faucet on. Tried to splash her face, but quickly found her hands were now too shaky even to do that. The water slipped through the cracks faster than she could raise her palms. If only she wanted to throw up. If only she wanted to claw her skin off. If only. She'd rather feel how she felt on Christmas, oh yes. That was an answer. That was a survivable resolution. It was a terrible fate, but surely better than this. That had a top.

But this didn't. 

This was building in a way Adora could not decipher. This was her life. 

Her career. 

Even- even her _social circle_ seemed to have disintegrated. 

Adora pushed off the counter, stumbling backwards, burying her burning face in her trembling hands. Her head swam with everything. It was _everything._

Her safety.

Her savings. 

Her credibility. 

The… 

The _house._

And Catra. Catra might not even want to be with her anymore. Adora couldn't handle those two together. That fear. It turned sharp, surging her anxieties into a muddled mess of something indescribably painful, striking straight through her chest as the worst sensation she had ever felt. Because then Adora wouldn't be able to provide. It was one of the only things she had. Adora couldn't provide soon and if Adora couldn't provide then Adora couldn't protect and if Adoracouldn't protect then nor could she functionandthe- the houseandthenherrelationship- _andherlifewouldbethe **mistakeshealways-**_

_"FUCK!!!"_

It was out of her control. The course was set to the only possible place she could possibly go. A searing, panicked wrath surged through her. She spun around and caved into the impulse she'd resisted her entire life. It was not like some fantasy. Not constructive with a bat. Adora hit something with her flesh and bone, did it with a roar, did it over and _over_ and _**over**_ until the silver metal of the fridge bore a shameful dent just below eye level. She felt an immediate wash of regret. That wasn't strong. That was weak and she shouldn't have done that. She shouldn't have done that. She shouldn't have done that and she- 

Not enough. 

Another burst and the contents of the trashcan went everywhere. It was six feet across the room by the time she was done. Kicked. It was metal too. Her _foot._ Fuck!

_Still. Not. Enough._

But then came the real pain, delayed only by a few seconds. Adora cried out and stumbled backwards, clutching her fist. No one ever told her it would hurt so much. She never imagined it could ever feel like this. 

_Stupid! Idiot!_

Where the pressure had been was a gaping hole, wide and infinitely deep in her chest. It streamed into her veins. Poured right back out in racking sobs. It was worse than the pressure. She tore her ponytail out. Too tight. Wrong hand though, and it ached in a way it hadn't before. Something was so very wrong with it, so she stared, watching as it dripped a few splotches of red from a small cut in the center of a rapidly forming _massive_ bruise. 

"Fuck," she muttered it this time, wiping off the blood with the hem of her shirt. It came right back. She wiped it again. Right back. _"Fuck."_

Tears rained down onto her hand, mixing into the blood. 

"Fuck, you fucking idiot…"

Her voice cracked.

"Fuck…! Fuck! Fucking fuck fuck-!"

Swearing was supposed to make pain better. There was a study or- or something about that. 

_Why wasn't it making it better?_

She didn't know how to handle simply standing there, emotion pushing and twisting and contorting every single cell in her body, frenetically switching back and forth from devastation to fear within milliseconds. Maybe it was seconds, actually. Maybe it was minutes. Whatever it was, it wasn't fair. It was never fair. It was cruel. She'd worked so hard to create. To grow into someone she could feel proud of being. 

She even thought she'd made it.

When she looked up again, and it wasn't clear how long that took, her gaze was drawn left and out of the window out into the yard. _Also gone._

It was only barely, yes, but her reflection in the glass- 

Adora couldn't see herself like she could before. She didn't look like someone she recognized. She let out another choking, despairing thing, the pressurized heat in her head and chest long since eviscerated by the new pulsing heat in her hand. The regret in it. God...

_Who even was she?_

So stupid, because it was all gone. Everything she'd managed to build. She'd finally committed to something and now she was being punished for it. Her life was being torn apart at the seams. To think it was Adora who insisted on tugging the first thread. Look at where she was now. 

She couldn't really though. 

She couldn't really look any longer. 

Adora rested her forehead against the cold, hard surface of the fridge, tightly pressing her fist against her stomach and willing that now steadily building external pain to please, please stop. She closed her eyes. Her breathing slowed. Slowed and slowed and slowed as the panic morphed into something akin to acceptance, yet somehow without any of its comfort. Threatened to become catatonic.

_In the other room, the phone began to ring._

She counted her breaths, probably like she should have from the start. At least it was something. 

_Then it ended._

But maybe it was nothing. 

_Then again._

Closing her eyes and counting away her fears wouldn't stop Friday from coming.

_And again._

It would be waiting for her no matter what she did. No matter where she went. No matter how she felt. It was there. 

_Again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hurt me hurt mehurtme HURT ME YES AUUUGH
> 
> Did I get ya? :D  
> I so want to know. 
> 
> Like 75% of y'all have been waiting for this. I still wanted to catch ya off guard.


	16. That's Just How the Cookie Crumbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> How's your week been? Good? Great! 
> 
> Let's continue with pain! :D

It was like coming to. 

The sound of the phone ringing became real, not some strange something in the background. Adora forced herself to step back from the fridge, then pushed out from the kitchen, nearly slipping on trash as she did. She shuffled to the table, picked up her phone mid-ring and-

"... Hello?" 

God, her voice sounded so messed up, like it wasn't even hers. 

_"Adora…!?"_ She didn't even have a chance to respond before the voice cracking guilt began like clockwork. Made her head swim all hazy like again. _"I just found out- I can’t believe- this is my fault. I'm so, so sososo sorry. I didn't think she'd do this. Are you okay?”_

Her brain truly could not process that much at once. "I-I, uh…"

_"Glimmer and I-... I needed space from everything after- and I already imposed on you so much. We were going to talk, but I really didn't think this would happen. I swear. If I'd known- just- I can't- why would she-!? Just why!?"_

Bow spoke for a very long time, blubbering on and on before Adora dimly remembered that she needed help. If not from Catra, from somebody. "Bow…? I think I broke my hand, so um," and she observed it as she trailed off. It was already starting to swell.

 _"What…!?"_ Bow let out a rare sound of actual frustration on the other end of the line. It broke through the fear. _"She really just- okay. You broke your hand? I'm coming over. Stay- stay there."_

Adora turned her hand over to the other side. Hm. That didn't look so good either. "Wasn't planning on going anywhere… I'll see you soon, Bow."

And click.

She knew her voice had been shaky. Shaky was better than screaming, right? She put the phone back down on the table and held her aching hand, still vacantly staring. The pain was atrocious, brought tears to her eyes, but it didn't compare to the upset inside. That was what sent silent tears down her cheeks.

That contrast, along with what was likely some residual shock and shame, was what kept her mostly quiet while she waited. 

… Bow arrived not too long after. 

Or maybe- maybe it was a long time after.

Adora didn't know. 

What she did know is that she finally managed to tear her gaze away from her hand the moment he entered the room. She wiped her face clean of tears, _wrong hand again! Ow!_ She had to stop that somehow. 

Bow looked dead, in all honesty. He definitely hadn't slept. It was like the last few weeks had aged him several years. All there was now, however, was panic and worry. He went for Adora's injury immediately.

But Adora was still staring at him, and with a sniffle, "it's the text, isn't it?" 

He almost looked too afraid to confirm it, but nodded nevertheless. Adora's gaze fell once more. She was still on the verge of tears, but one thing had become very clear…

"I need to go to the ER," she said quietly. "Don't I?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I-I think so. Let's get something cold and then I… I'll drive you." 

Adora glanced back towards the mess that was the kitchen. What a sick reality that Catra had held onto herself and Adora had not. Never mind that, something cold - then the ER.

"Okay." 

That's what they did.

In all her years, Adora had been lucky enough health wise to never have to visit an ER. The moment she entered this one, however, she decided she would do everything in her power never to step foot in one again. To her, it seemed like there wasn’t anything “emergency” about the place. It was more sit patiently, and if you died before you got seen, pass the bill on, please and thank you. 

She had Bow fill out the paperwork for her (because of course she punched with her dominant hand), and then they waited. 

And waited.

_And waited._

An hour into it and they weren’t even close. Adora had taken to hunching herself over in her seat, modulating as many calm breaths as she could while cradling her most certainly broken hand against an increasingly lukewarm bag of frozen peas. It felt significantly more painful than earlier. She was coping, but honestly, only just.

"Are you alright?" Bow asked after quite some time. He was now more in control of himself, which was admittedly some help.

"Yes. You don't have to stay." Adora replied, eyes watering. "This is probably going to be a while."

"And what? Go back home? I need to make sure you're okay first. You were there for me when I needed help." 

She looked into his eyes, hers being instantly met with his ceaselessly genuine self. "Really, I'm fine," she lied, and she wasn't too sure why she did it. Some part of her didn't want to be a burden despite the fact that every cell in her body rebelled against the idea of being alone. "Or- or I will be…"

He didn't leave. 

He just took her other hand.

And they waited more in dead silence.

_She couldn't stop thinking about Friday. Her head went in circles. Slower this time, but incessantly in time with the throb of her hand._

Another half hour and she was finally called back. Bow followed without question. Both of them knew they'd only made it past one hurdle. Besides a quick check in from some nurse, nobody even entered the room for 45 minutes. 

_More time to overthink._

When a doctor did enter, he knew right away. He didn’t even touch it, just cocked his head to the side with the most uninterested expression. 

"It's broken," he declared after asking the expected questions, "that much is clear.”

“Yeah. I figured that much, _ow…"_

“It’s pretty swollen. It would’ve been better if you’d gotten here sooner. Anyways, how'd it happen?"

Adora could hardly believe her ears. Gotten here sooner? She almost forgot how to speak. "Oh- I… I punched a fridge."

He paused at that. "Well then. That's unfortunate. You're going to need a cast, but you probably already knew that." Then jotted something down, and as if it were an afterthought, "how's your mental health right now?"

"Not great…?"

"Ah. Sorry to hear that. I'd take some time off work if I were you. Anyways, we're a little busy today, so give us a few minutes to get you X-rayed to see exactly what we need to do. Sit tight, okay?"

And he was gone before Adora could formulate an actual response. Bow gave her a look. They both knew what this meant. 

Another hour later and Adora genuinely wondered if she should just call the hand a loss and move on. The X-ray came just in time for her to abandon that idea. Just in time. 

Metacarpal fracture. Great. With that confirmation of what the first doctor had guesstimated, she was off to the next. Thankfully, the doctor responsible for actually doing helpful things was much nicer. Adora could tell that much about her even in her hazy state. She didn’t quite catch the woman's name, but it was along the lines of Mary or something like that. 

She made conversation as she worked, the kind that didn't feel inherently anxiety producing, even with the whole _bones being set ordeal_ that was happening. "What do you do for a living?"

Well alright, the conversation still was anxiety producing. But it wasn't supposed to be. It spurred Adora back into thinking about the only other thing besides how she wished she could cut her hand off. 

"I'm a professor."

_Like how she wished she wasn't about to get fired. Again._

"You're pretty young for that." The doctor smiled. "That's kind of impressive. What do you teach?"

_How she wished she'd been smarter. Again._

"History."

_And again, if she'd been smarter…_

Apparently no one had told this doctor what happened. "We'll get you fixed up. How did you manage this, anyway?"

_Then she wouldn't be about to lose everything._

Adora was just going to have to repeat it over and over, wasn’t she? “I punched a fridge."

_Everything._

The doctor didn’t miss a beat. “Sounds like you had a rough day. I’m sorry about that." 

_Probably Catra too…_

Catra! Adora immediately searched her pockets, panic returning with a vengeance.

"Try not to move so much, please."

But then Adora looked out the window. It was still technically winter, so the sun set somewhat early - but no no _no._ It was turning pink.

_How long had they been there…?_

She turned to Bow, things were starting to go hazy again. Her heart rate had picked up too. Catra. The date. "I don't have my phone. Catra- she- we have a date tonight. I have to be there for it."

"I don't think that's happening." Bow leaned forward in his seat. "Try to stay in the present."

Right, that. The present.

"I-I am. I am," Adora said, panic still rising. All because that didn't make it any better. "She's going to get there before I'm back."

"Maybe she'll be late?"

Adora shook her head. "I don't think she will." 

"Okay, well," Bow started pulling out his phone. "Do you know her number?" 

_No._

Adora shook her head again. Catra had put it in. She should've spent time memorizing it. It would've been so easy to memorize. So simple. She never had. Why not? Because it was always there. But Adora was not there. 

"I-I have to go back home." If she couldn't be strong for herself, she certainly needed to be for Catra. That was something she should be able to do. "I have to be there, Bow."

The doctor occupied with putting a cast on Adora's hand shot Bow a look - one he returned. 

"Okay," he began softly, "what if I go? I can tell her-"

"No,” she cut in, “no, I have to." 

"You don't have to do this alone, Adora."

"I need to be the one to tell her. If you go and I'm not there…" Adora didn't want to think about how that might go. 

Catra wouldn't take "Adora broke her hand" at face value. She'd press, then Bow would break. It would practically be nuclear. 

"I don’t think she’d like you rushing home without a cast, Adora." Bow tried to reason. 

"Your friend is right," the doctor added on. "It'll probably look better if you go home with a broken hand that's taken care of as opposed to one that isn't. She'd rather see you caring for yourself, I'd imagine."

Adora wasn't sure if she really believed that.

But okay, "I g-guess…"

She decided she needed to believe it, at least until they were done with her. It was the only possible thing that would get her through. The only possible thing that would stop another panic attack. She shoved it into her brain, forced it to cooperate while things wrapped up. 

At least the ER was reliable. 

Even if it was reliably slow.

Once the cast was on, it still took another agonizing half hour for them to be out. As soon as Adora breathed fresh air, her forced belief dissipated. She almost ran to the car, her mind focused on one thing and one thing alone. 

_Catra. Catra. Catra._

"Are you going to be okay?" Bow asked.

He was going too slow. Much too slow. 

"Drive faster, please." 

It was dark. She had dread building all over. She was late. She was _late._

"I'm serious, Adora. I mean with the bill."

That distracted her for a split second, because Adora really didn't know. It was still just about a thousand after insurance. It would've been fine had she not lost her job, but then again, she also wouldn't be in this situation if she hadn't. She was going to lose her source of income and had celebrated it by breaking her hand. Honestly, she probably did need that money…

But it wasn't money she had. It didn't matter. 

Back to Catra.

"Yes. Please, Bow. I need to be home."

That was all she could think until they were there.

He hadn’t even turned the car off before Adora was out, racing into the house, praying that Bow was right. Maybe Catra had gotten caught up. Maybe she had convinced them to go drinking. Maybe she’d forgotten-

Adora’s coat was not where she’d left it. The house had undoubtedly been disturbed.

Oh no.

“Catra…?”

She trudged deeper.

Deeper...

Bow entered behind her just as Catra emerged from the kitchen. Her face was pale, tear stained, and terrified. Her eyes though, they had a startling fury. Adora had left her alone for far, far too long. She'd left her alone to discover the state of the place without any context. Adora could not think of a worse thing to do to her. It was bad to do to anyone, but it was terrible to do to Catra. 

"What the fuck." Catra whispered, crossing her arms, deadly quiet and stiff as a board. 

"... I'm sorry." Adora approached. She could already feel tears welling up in her eyes. The many mind numbing hours in the ER had been hell, but they'd also been slight insulation from this. It had been wrong to let herself forget.

_How could she have let this happen?_

Catra's gaze dropped to Adora's hand. "So that's what happened to the fridge? You decided to get in a fight with it? Or maybe this was that burglary you were so worried about?”

Adora stopped just short of hugging distance. The words got stuck in her throat. In fact, everything did. Catra waited for an explanation, the fear in her expression slowly rising. It was like she didn't want to think that the actual truth was even a possibility. Hadn’t considered.

"I called you," she began again, voice quivering. "I searched the God damn house. I was scared, Adora. You couldn't have found a way to tell me what the fuck was going on? You couldn't have just," and she held it up, "brought your stupid fucking phone?" 

_Adora swallowed._

"And look," Catra continued, turning around to retrieve Adora's laptop from a shelf behind her. She must've pulled it out from its bag. The thing freaking rattled as it moved. "There's this too. Don't even get me started on the kitchen. Just. What the fuck, Adora? What's going on?"

_Adora knew she needed to be the one to do it._

"Well, are you going to say anything?"

_She looked over her shoulder at Bow._

"Or do I get to live in the dark."

_He said nothing._

"Because if you're expecting-"

_Back to Catra._

And Adora finally forced it out. "They- they know."

Catra's expression immediately faltered. As critical as she'd been of Glimmer, her face fell in that way that confirmed Adora’s suspicions. Catra had indeed stopped seriously considering this to be a possibility. Her reaction said that after last semester, she hadn't worried one bit. That after last semester, she, just like Adora, had falsely believed they were out of the woods. 

That they were free.

_But nothing in life was ever going to be free, was it?_

That belief was likely the reason she hadn't put two and two together, despite her intelligence.

"What…?"

Not because it didn't make sense, but because she didn't want it to make sense. 

"They know," Adora repeated, trying to insert a little more strength in her voice. "About us."

 _Because being angry at Adora messing up over something simple was infinitely easier to stomach than the alternative._

Catra shook her head. "... No, you're wrong. That isn’t..."

_Easier to believe, too._

Adora took a tentative step forward, her mind clearer than it had been in literal hours. All she saw was Catra. All Catra saw was her. "There's someone else teaching my class. I get to find out more on Friday, but-"

_Easier to understand._

Catra dropped the laptop. If it wasn't broken before... "Fucking _no._ No that can't be it. That can't be right. It doesn't- it isn't-"

_Easier to accept._

Adora could see it like it was slow motion. Catra’s body tensed, and she was about to do the same damn thing, just with the wall. Yes, Adora could feel it, so this time, she moved swiftly to embrace Catra and stop her from making the same terrible mistake. 

"Get off m-me. _Get off…!"_ Catra struggled to push her away, thrashing as her denial turned to furious sobs. The same ones Adora had, but far angrier.

It was utterly heartbreaking.

Still, Adora held firm. She reminded her once more that if there was anything she should be able to face, it was this. This was for Catra. "You know I can't do that until you're calm. I'm sorry." 

"Then tell me it's not true..! Tell me y-you’re lying…!"

"I'm so sorry, but I can't do that either. I understand how you're feeling."

"You don't have any fucking idea!" Catra choked, still fighting to break free. "That fucking bitch! She- I'll-... I'll… I…"

"You feel out of control and you want to exert yourself on the world around you. I know. I swear I know, but it's not going to help. I tried that. Please, Catra." 

Adora had absolutely no idea where to go from here. She shut her eyes again so she didn't have to look at her dizzying surroundings any longer, then felt Catra finally cease thrashing and begin to sink in her arms, completely falling apart. Adora supported her, kept her upright, stroking her uninjured hand from the back of her head all the way down her back. It really was the only thing she knew how to do. 

And Catra was whimpering by then, "I'm the one who did this to you. I hurt you. _All I did was hurt you."_

Those words came as a surprise. Adora had expected her to continue to blame Glimmer. Perhaps threaten to kill her. After all, Glimmer was the one to blame. Instead, she had given in to something much worse. Catra had latched onto whatever this new truth was for her. She shook with rage at herself, with hardly any to spare for anyone else. 

"You didn't, shh…"

_"I did. I did. I did. I kissed y-you. If I hadn't- I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry."_

All guilt and shame. 

With time, they both slowly sank to the floor.

With time, Catra's coherency faded into nothing.

Adora did not let go.

_So truly, it would be a good idea to think a little harder about it this time._

_Have you ever dug yourself so deep into a hole that you genuinely wondered whether or not you'd be better off letting yourself get buried?_

_Adora had._

Adora knew. 

\---

Over the next few days, Catra did settle down. 

Well, as much as anyone could. 

So did Adora. 

No one could stay so blindly upset for that long. Upset, yes - but _that_ upset? No. 

You could break your hand. You could lose your job. Hell, your parents could die. You could have a panic attack for practically any reason, at some point, you'd have to stop crying. At some point, you would feel nothing.

 _Never mind pain, because energy alone was a very expensive thing._

The atmosphere was somber. Pain still came in waves, but yes, things were calmer. After all, there were things to do. Food to buy. Plans to scrap. A whole new life to live. Mostly though, there was actually very little to do. Very little to do and a lot of time to wait through. They should've sat down and discussed it at length. They should've pushed through the hurt.

And truthfully, they tried.

They talked about it. 

Not nearly enough, but some. 

_"Are you worried?"_

_"I already know what's going to happen." Adora had smiled weakly. "And I wish I hadn't gotten so upset before, so I guess I'm just existing right now."_

_Catra had stared blankly._

_Adora couldn't quite read her expression then._

_It had been an odd feeling, and it sparked a new kind of worry for the rest of the week._

The other time they discussed it was when Catra had asked her to _please_ lie. It was the closest they got to trying to plan anything. But that attempt at talking fell apart quickly, because there was simply no point in doing that, Adora explained. After all, Glimmer had the text. If it were anyone else, it would merely be an unsubstantiated rumor. This investigation probably only existed for paperwork reasons. It shouldn't have even been called an investigation, really. It was a scheduled firing...

Adora was almost sure of it. 

_"What are you going to do then?"_

_"I'll let them have their show and try to walk out of there without crying."_

_"But-..." There was that look again. Catra sighed. "Alright."_

Since that conversation, Catra had been very subdued, especially in the latter half of the week. Adora couldn't get her to constructively talk about it again. Each time Catra attempted to connect with her words, something would go wrong. It wasn't like she wasn't trying, because she was in some ways. She'd spent every night - not even mentioning what that could be doing to her friendships. She hadn't wanted to go to class either, but Adora insisted she did. It was the only thing Adora had succeeded at doing. 

Most of the time though, she felt rather helpless. 

A broken hand did not make her helpless, but Catra didn't seem to agree. Well, maybe it was more the whole mess they were in overall. Whatever it was, it wasn't supposed to affect this. This was just supposed to be a bath - one of the few things that felt solidly under control. _Keep the cast out of water. Actually, put on a cast cover too, just in case._ Adora could do those things herself. Wanted to, at least.

An unlikely but completely true story? 

Catra did them for her. 

Totally backwards, if you asked Adora. Adora's main priority for the week had evolved into keeping Catra as emotionally safe as possible, but again, Catra was not on the same page at all. Adora allowed help this time because it encouraged contact. Maybe that might make it easier for Catra's trying to finally go somewhere. Maybe it would fix the distance. 

Catra settled into the tub so that her back pressed against Adora's front. At any other time, it would've been very arousing. Right now, it was far from it. She had discovered that intimacy meant a great deal of things...

And that some of those things had far greater meaning than others. 

She closed her eyes, wrapping her uncovered arm around Catra's waist and letting her and the heat become everything in that moment. “How are you feeling?”

Catra exhaled almost silently, her body still tense. Gave Adora a simple, “mm.”

It was worrying, to say the least. 

"Are you still feeling guilty?"

"Does it matter?”

"It matters to me. You know it's her fault, right?" Adora reminded her yet again.

"She just told them what I did. I can hate her all I fucking want." Catra's words dripped with self loathing. "I still did it." 

It broke Adora's heart. "Catra…" 

Silence fell between them. Adora tried to enjoy the warmth, and several minutes passed without incident. Several minutes, yes, and then Catra noticeably stiffened even more. She started and stopped several times, unsure.

But finally, "do you regret being with me? Because I'd understand, you know."

"I don't regret being with you." Adora replied, and she meant it.

Perhaps some people would've built resentment toward Catra. Perhaps some people would've wished it had never happened. The simple fact was that Adora could never be like that. For as many complex feelings as she harbored, she could never actively hate the woman she loved for expressing her love back. Adora wanted closer, not farther. 

"And if you wish I hadn't went after you…"

"Catra." 

"I'd get it," Catra shrugged, not at all disguising how uncomfortable she was. "That's all I mean." 

Adora held her closer, trying to encourage her to relax. "I _love_ you. I'm sorry we're in this situation, but it isn't going to change how I feel about you."

"You're sure it doesn't?"

"A thousand times sure." 

Catra accepted it. That much was good, but then she was on to the next. She'd done this all week and it felt close to impossible to manage. 

She eyed the cast Adora had resting on the edge of the tub. "I should've been there."

"And as you pointed out, I shouldn't have fought a fridge." Adora said with a sad smile that she was glad Catra couldn’t see. It wasn't really funny. It was hardly even a joke.

Catra didn't laugh. "Yeah." 

"You don't need to keep finding things to be guilty about."

"I'll make it up to you."

"You're sweet, but no. I hate seeing you so angry."

"I'm… I'm sorry." Catra shifted to turn around to face Adora, her expression softened. She looked small. Like she didn't know what to do with her body. 

It was the kind of vulnerability Adora had craved, and so feeling connected in that moment, she cupped Catra's cheek. "Things are so difficult right now, and the last thing we need is to be farther from each other. Be kind to yourself, please? For me?" 

Yes…

Yes…

No. 

"... I get that you need that from me, and I’m trying, but I don't really know how to give it to you after what I did."

_Damn it._

It was difficult. There was something beneath the surface, yet Adora couldn't reach it no matter what she did. She knew she'd let it slip by again. "If you want to try and talk it through…"

"I'm fine. It's fine. I'm worried about you." 

_Damn it. Damn it. Damn it._

Just-

Damn it. 

Adora kissed her, slow and tender, hoping that a physical expression of her love would find Catra. It worked at least somewhat, as Catra relaxed into the kiss. 

It was a short lived comfort.

It was short lived because Catra continued that new guilty trend of wanting to help even after the bath. It really wasn't necessary here either. Yes, it would be slower without her, but that didn't make Adora incapable. 

This time, Adora put her hand up. "Catra, you don't really need to-" 

"Just- just let me do this for you, okay?" Catra’s eyes flashed with hurt, something that had happened all too often the last few days. 

She just _couldn't_ let it go. 

She definitely wasn't used to it, and she wouldn't listen to reason, so Adora had to wonder if she'd ever felt this bad about something in her life before. It seemed not. 

"... Alright." Adora conceded. “Go ahead.”

Catra continued meticulously buttoning up Adora's shirt. She wouldn't make direct eye contact. She held herself in that way only Adora could recognize as frustrated. Her hands did not shake, but frankly, they might as well have. Adora didn’t know what to say. She wasn't sure how to provide comfort to someone with walls simultaneously so high and utterly destroyed. 

"What do you want for dinner tonight?" Catra murmured once she was halfway up. 

“I hadn't really thought about it." 

They'd had to remind each other to eat. They only did it for each other, honestly. Adora considered it a success if they ate two meals a day. Three hadn’t happened even once. It was strange. Adora had never had trouble eating before. 

“I guess I'll figure something out." Catra finished the top button and finally met Adora's gaze again. Her expression changed into something with a considerable amount of intensity. "Adora?”

“Yeah?”

She held Adora's face in her hands. “Don’t be stupid today.”

"Yeah… I don't think there's anything stupid left to do."

"Adora," and that frustration was coming back. It made Adora so sad. "You have to promise me."

"Alright, alright. I promise I won't be stupid." 

Catra wasn't done. Wasn't satisfied. "And whatever they say, take it. Don't fight it, please. We'll talk about what to do from there."

She didn't want Adora to fight? How very _not_ Catra. Mm, then again, fighting wouldn't do any good. It was wise that Catra recognized that. Also, it was good that she genuinely wanted to talk about it. 

"I know. That's the plan. I love you."

Catra hugged her. "I love you too," then in another brief swing toward softness, she whispered, "you're going to be okay."

"Heh, you've got an awful lot of faith in me."

"You could say that."

Adora tried to say she'd find something else to do with her life, but that dull throb inside stopped her short of it. How many more times would she come back home before…? Never mind. She decided on something else. "Do you have class today?"

"I'm skipping." 

"Catra…"

"I went every other day.” Catra pulled back much too soon for Adora’s liking. Adora wanted to touch. Reach. Feel. “You matter to me way more than school. Besides, you'd do the same for me."

"I'd do anything for you." Adora sighed, knowing both that Catra was correct and that there was no way she was going to class. 

"Exactly, so don't get on me about skipping class."

Alright. It was just one day. Adora let it go, "Well, maybe you can help me pack everything up after it's done?"

She had been dreading doing that. She didn't know how much she wanted to expose Catra (or herself, honestly) to extra scrutiny by spending time in the office, but it wasn't like she had much of a choice with how her hand was. That was one of the things she definitely needed assistance with. 

"Yeah…" Catra agreed after a brief but concerning pause. "Yeah, okay." 

"If you don't want to-"

"I can," she cut in, then kissed Adora to quiet her. It was not the soft and tender one from several minutes before, but Adora knew that the clock was ticking, and so she would have to let that concern go for now. "Let's finish getting ready. You don't want to be late, yeah?"

Adora smiled very weakly.  
Catra? 

Avoiding being late?

Well, at least it was genuine,

Because they weren’t.

They weren’t early, either.

Adora couldn’t stand waiting to be called in for long. She had to do it alone, too. Even worse.

"You won't wait outside for me outside?"

"I don't think it's a good look for either of us." Catra shrugged unconvincingly, melting somewhat at Adora's pleading stare. "Seriously, if there's any chance they don't want to fire you, I can't be waiting around... I need to uh, look like I'm not a factor anymore. I'll text you, okay?"

Adora did not see how there was any way she was getting out of this, but she nodded at Catra's words, gulping down her discomfort as her girlfriend slipped into the nearest stairwell. Catra had said she would help her after. All Adora had to do now was get through.

Not thirty seconds later, it was time. 

Entering the room kind of felt like entering her first lecture, and perhaps it was - just the first (and last) of an entirely different kind. Her palms were sweaty. She expected to devolve into her old speech patterns, if her stupid little practices were anything to go by. She’d decided to stay quiet. Catra had agreed. Let them talk, get it over with, get out ASAP.

It turned out that Adora had been right about the first half of the meeting. It was absolutely dotting the i's and crossing the t's. It was full of official rules and procedures that she couldn’t quite wrap her head around. She nodded, didn’t smile, and agreed in her discomfort.

As the meeting went on, Adora couldn’t help but to wonder if it was possible that if Catra had been a grad student, older, that it might've been different. Or perhaps if they'd done it after she had left the class, then maybe nothing this severe would've happened. Or- or maybe there was even a chance that if they'd been at a different school with laxer rules, it might not have mattered at all. She was not the first person to make this mistake, right?

But it didn’t matter.

Because Catra was _not_ a grad student. 

It happened _during_ their semester together. 

And Brightmoon had _strict_ rules. 

Adora had messed up. It was a stupid, useless fantasy. Ugh...

Eventually, the deeper discussion using rulebook words like "potential bias" and "personal responsibility" and "university image" tapered off. Adora braced herself for the big news when the Dean of Faculty cleared his throat. Everyone else present fell silent. 

It was then that somehow, someway, he chose to speak words Adora never dreamed she'd hear. "I think it’s time we discuss your future. We do recognize that your situation is, well, very _unique,_ and so things must have felt difficult to handle. With that in mind, we see it fit to suspend you for the remainder of the semester. You'll also be required to go through training to ensure this doesn't happen again.”

_Sorry..._

_What...?_

Adora stared blankly for several seconds before her brain caught up, sort of. "You mean... I'm not getting fired?"

Yes, some academic institutions had a horrible policy of wrongly taking care of their own when it came to certain offenses, but Brightmoon University was simply not that kind of place. Adora knew their rules. They had the proof. For Christ's sake, they'd just shown it to her! They'd had her admit to seeing Catra, sexually and everything. Why had the punishment been so light? What the hell did he mean by- by unique…? 

"No, of course not,” the Dean replied simply. “And, look… I know this has to be very stressful for you, but please know that most of this is procedural. There are people here for you, assuming you need anything else. I just wish you’d felt comfortable enough to tell us about the blackmail yourself. It’s disheartening that you did not.”

No.

Not another thing. 

Not another disaster. 

Not-

“I-I don’t understand- I-”

_No!_

"It’s really fortunate the student came forward to clarify, because until she spoke up, we had an entirely different picture. I don’t know if it helps, but she seemed awfully torn up about it. She said she didn’t think anyone else would do anything about it, and I honestly don't think she expected it to go this far.” He paused. “We still need to finish things up on her end. So,” and sighed, “we'll be taking appropriate disciplinary measures against her next week, but for now we need to discuss you. That’s what the rest of today is about. You and your future with the-"

_What had Catra done...!?_

That was so much worse than losing her job. It was the only thing that could be. It was so bad, so terrible, it sent fire everywhere. 

"No! No, I- that's not what happened." Adora stammered, vigorously shaking her head. 

The Dean seemed totally caught off guard. He glanced around at everyone else in the room, like he was expecting them to give him answers, but when they didn’t, slowly brought his gaze back around to Adora. "What are you saying, exactly? Sorry, but I- we’re all really confused.”

“It wasn’t blackmail. I was never blackmailed by her, not- not even once.” The truth in it almost brought tears to Adora’s eyes. Not even when Catra was at her angriest had she ever threatened to do something like that. The feeling turned somewhat sour though, because _why couldn’t have Catra just talked to her about this?_

“You mean she didn't hold your relationship over your head or force you to send that text to maintain leverage?" The Dean asked, tilting his head. 

The text, yes, the text. 

"Of course not." Adora said, officially starting to slip into what was now an all too familiar panic, already desperately scrabbling for anything she could use to make Catra appear innocent. She knew how administrative messes such as these worked. Administration had their story, and it made enough sense to them that muddying the waters now could throw everything completely out of balance. But Adora didn't have a choice, did she. She only had one shot at getting this right - and that shot was unmatched chaos. "Catra didn’t even know about the text until-...” _Until Adora told her._ Damn it! “And even if she did, even if she wanted to blackmail me, it's such a- such a weird thing to use, isn't it…!?"

"Well, it is digital evide-"

"Seriously? She didn't have easy access to it. There are so many better things to use! Things she has- and that- that we did! Like um, uh- I-I've got photos." Adora got out her phone, fully ready to prove her point if she had to. "Wouldn't those be better? She tell you about them!? I'm betting not! That's because she wasn’t blackmailing me. She knew if she told you about them, that would risk getting me in more trouble.”

_How could Catra have done this? She was trying to throw away her future...! Adora wouldn't have believed it if it weren't happening._

"Excuse me, but I'm not understanding." The Dean didn’t look convinced. In fact, he looked even more skeptical. 

_And Adora hadn't asked for this either. Catra, of all people, should've known about that. Everything was going to be so much worse for it._

Adora’s thoughts jumbled for another couple terrifying seconds, but then it clicked. It was still panicked, but it clicked. She knew what she had to do. "I’m telling you that you've got it backwards. I sent that text. Me. I did everything. I convinced myself I was in love with her, but really if I’m being honest, I was lonely. I took advantage of her because- shit, because I could! I didn't want to think what I was doing was wrong. My f-friend did, that’s why she told you about it.” 

Was that enough? 

The Dean opened his mouth-

No, more. Adora realized that she could very well lie if it meant it kept Catra safe. More. She needed to dig deeper. "And Glimmer doesn’t know the half of it. I-I changed Catra’s grade. She doesn't know either, but I did. I didn’t even feel bad, because you know what? I hate everything about teaching. I hate everything about it. She was just- just-” and it was so painful to say, “-so easy to distract myself with.”

It all came out, melding together into anything and everything possible to get the spotlight off of Catra. She would not stop - could not stop until she was sure Catra would not be expelled. Until all fingers pointed at Adora and Adora alone as the bearer of sin. She didn't care how insane she sounded. The worse, the better. Apparently, she’d pressured Catra into all sorts of things, if she was “being honest.” And oh yes, they had sex at school. Did administration want to know where? If not, too bad, they were going to find out. But of course, _of course_ the most important part was that Adora had seen it as a game. It wasn’t real, and now that it was, she simply could not bear to see an innocent person pay for her screw up. 

There were holes, plenty of them. It was all a lie, but holes didn't matter. Adora could just dig her own even deeper. Bury more. What mattered was how she looked compared to Catra, that was all. She needed to be the worst person in the room by a mile.

"So you have to listen to me, okay? She doesn't want to see me get fired, I swear that's it! I told her about this and- Catra’s just- she thinks she's protecting me, or in love with me-"

And God, it really did hurt. 

"-but she _isn't."_

So, so badly.

"She's just an immature girl who I-... I used. Because like, she’s just that infatuated and I'm just that lonely."

But it was time to bring it into the home stretch.

"I didn’t come to you because I didn’t _want_ to. If Glimmer hadn’t reported me, I don’t think I ever could’ve stopped myself, and I definitely wouldn’t have told you.”

Finally, it was very quiet. Adora calmed her breathing. If the Dean's silent, open mouthed stare was anything to go by, it had worked. She'd done something really, really stupid that she could never undo. She stood by it though, literally stood, because Catra was safe. She had thoroughly made Catra sound like a blameless victim. The only way to describe how Adora felt was relief. Cold, hard relief. It was funny how the panic died. Funny, because for once, she actually felt strong. Strong and sure that she’d done something well, even though she looked like a fool. 

“So…” The Dean started, uncomfortably shifting paperwork around as he gathered himself as well. He pulled a previously untouched form out. "You're taking full responsibility?"

"I am." Adora nodded, now completely in control of herself. 

"You knowingly initiated this relationship without any intention of discussing it with administration?"

"I did.” She nodded again after allowing herself one single steadying breath.

"... And you know what that means for you?"

"I do, yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look at these two self sacrificial lambs!  
> I'm sure this will go over great! 
> 
> Not a drop of maple syrup was consumed. :)
> 
> Initially I was going to tell you all about my hectic week, but let's just say I thoroughly embarrassed myself to ensure that I had some basis for this chapter. No less than three academics in my actual life were spoken to, and that is all. RIP me. *drags face across keyboard*


	17. Decisions, Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so listen here. Listen here. This is completely out of context, but guys... I was writing this chapter and there's a line where there's paperback books, right? For the life of me I could not stop thinking of them as **"soft shell books."**
> 
> It felt so right. So natural. 
> 
> Imagine going to the library or something and asking for help finding a book and the person asks you "would you prefer it soft shell or hard shell?"
> 
> I- 
> 
> *whispers* it still sounds better than paperback to me...and it took so much restraint not to put it in.
> 
> I don't know who's stupider, me or Adora. I want to say it's just writing this fic that got me into that headspace but tbh I don't think so. What the fuck hello I don’t wanna taco bout it anymore so enjoy the chapter

She had felt so strong through her termination. In a way, that sense stayed with her. In another way, however, it had already begun to fade as she emerged into the outside world. See, the new outside world didn't feel at all right. It felt uneasy. It felt uneasy because she'd saved Catra from herself. Catra, who had chosen to hide her plans from Adora all week. 

Catra.

The woman Adora loved.

And the woman currently acting like someone Adora did not know.

Adora stopped under a tree still bare from winter so that she could check her phone. She wasn't sure what to expect, but as she promised, Catra had indeed texted not long before the meeting ended. Even more surprisingly, so had Bow.

His.

(1:36 p.m.) 

_**Bow:** So… I'm moving out. I wanted to let you know._

_**Bow:** I’m going to be busy taking stuff over. Tell me how it goes though. Good luck, Adora._

And hers.

(2:05 p.m.)

_**Catra:** by swift wind when youre done. still dont know if we should talk much in the open_

It wasn't that Bow's messages weren’t important, because they were. They were news. They just weren't important enough to stop Catra's from obliterating his words from Adora's mind. Her momentary pride in staging a successful diversion had passed the point of merely slipping into unease. Now it was fully giving way to an even deeper discomfort.

_No, not discomfort. Anger. A disturbing amount._

Because wow, so everything was fine, was it? Adora was done and things were simply fan-tas-tic. Not. Catra should've known better than that. Catra had been the one to point out how vital communication was. Catra knew how important it was to their relationship. Catra-

Adora didn't go straight to her. Instead, she marched to the parking lot and got a couple boxes from the car. No, she couldn't hate Catra, sure, but she could very well be pissed at her - and she was. Because seriously, was that Catra’s plan? Destroy herself? She'd felt some of this in the meeting, but it had been overshadowed by fear. This- this was _insane,_ and Adora was not the insane one, no matter how she'd presented herself a few minutes prior. 

If Adora was being entirely honest with herself, it bothered her more than being terminated. 

_Not that she wasn't upset about that. She'd just been expecting it. Prepared for it. This was a terrible surprise of an almost unspeakable level._

(2:18 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Meet me at the office._

Adora got there first. She didn't bother to sigh all sad like or look around and lament that she was saying goodbye to the place. No, she dropped all but one of the boxes by the door and immediately started on the desk.

She was all in her head, feeling that upset course through her. 

_Had Catra even considered what Adora might have to do to keep her safe? Did she care?_

She told herself she'd sit Catra down in a mature fashion. Use lots of "I feel" statements. Express herself in a way that felt at least somewhat positive. Maybe, just maybe, there was a way to get through her feelings without the conversation being a total meltdown. But then Catra finally entered the office, and suddenly, every thought of proper communication evaporated. 

Because Catra knew what she'd done. Of course she did, but this was the first time Adora saw it for what it was. It was so obvious, all over her face like that. "Hey, are you sure we sh- what are you doing?"

_And she'd what, bet on Adora being stupid enough not to see it!?_

It cranked everything up tenfold. 

The anger.

The fear.

The terrifying anger.

"Packing." The stapler went into the box _hard._ "Are you helping or not?" 

"Hold up, did those assholes seriously still-"

"You shouldn't have done that." Adora cut in, shoving now unimportant papers on top of the stapler. She'd sort them later. Shred them, probably. "I'm serious. You knew I wouldn't be happy about it, that's why you didn't tell me, right? Even you know that you shouldn't have gotten involved." 

Catra immediately blanched. Went from already far too nervous to a thousand times more uncomfortable in less than half a second. The shame was back, but it had changed too. Adora couldn't read it. _That made her angry too_ It didn't help that Catra's gaze flitted around the room, looking for anything to focus on except Adora. 

She then acted on what was probably the only wise thought she'd had all week.

She shut the door. 

"Well, uh," she coughed, trying to regain her composure. "I-I didn't think you'd be this upset about it. Maybe if it had worked-"

_Not this upset!?_

_Who even was Catra!?_

"It almost did! If that wasn't bad enough, do you have any idea what I said to make sure they didn't go after you?" Adora paused what she was doing, fiercely glaring at Catra. "You know, it's not like I actually thought I had a shot at it before, but if there was _any_ chance I could work in academia again, it's ruined now! I'm done. I'm so, so _done._ "

Like that, Catra's awkwardness morphed into her own anger. "You what!? You promised me you wouldn't do anything stupid! I didn't ask you to do that for me!"

"You can't seriously think that still applies." Adora started emptying out one of her desk drawers. "Because I didn't ask you to do anything either. You know that we're supposed to talk about this stuff! I know you know that." 

"I don't get how I'm the bad guy for wanting to help…!?"

"Wanting to help and actually helping are two different things. I can't believe you actually tried to ruin your life for me. You know how much I hate that. You know how much I-" _care._

"Fuck, Adora." Catra just shook her head, exasperated. "I couldn't sit by and do nothing. I put you in this mess!" 

Onto the next drawer, all of it was quickly thrown haphazardly into the box. Would've been dumped if it fully detached. Might still have been detachable, frankly, if there was enough force. "I asked you a thousand times to let that go, and you refused to the whole time! I get you're guilty, but you just decided on this crazy plan without me and- God, Catra, you have no idea how any of this works. Did you even stop and think about what it all meant?" 

"Don't talk down to me. We aren't- we're never like that." Hurt crossed Catra's expression. She gritted her teeth as she spoke. "And listen, if you'd played along, you'd be fine. I'd be _fine._ I'd figure something out. I always do." 

It was with another burst of rage that Adora realized that frankly, that was the least of it. Another scary reality that had played on the edges of her thoughts up until that point - one that decided to step into the light of day. 

"It's not just about that. I wish it was," and that was the first box full, now on the floor next to the desk. She passed by Catra to retrieve another. "But it's not." 

"Then what else is it about?" 

Adora pushed an empty box into Catra's hands for good measure. _She said she'd help. So what was this? What was this whole mess!?_ Adora couldn't put words to it. They wouldn't come. It wasn't like they were stuck in her throat, no. It was more like there weren't even words that did it justice. It stung so badly that she hardly knew what to do with it. Brought angry tears up, but not out. Not. Out.

"What else is it about, Adora?" 

She turned away, returning to her desk and intent on finishing her mission. This wasn't a good way to do this. This would mess things up more. She needed to get this done and go home and calm down the coursing _everything_ going through her body and then think-

"Adora. What. Else."

And it exploded. 

She whipped back around, all control lost. "It's about the fact that it wasn't your decision to make! Okay!? It feels like you don't respect me! Or- or anything I do! You didn't even think about what I wanted and it makes me feel like everything told me about not letting people walk all over me _never even mattered to you!"_

Catra's eyes went wide with realization, and sickeningly, it didn't make Adora feel any better when she started vigorously shaking her head. She dropped her box and tried to move towards Adora. "No! They're not- it isn't- Adora! I do respect you...! I swear I do! It's just-..." And she stuttered, badly, still trying to reason herself through it too. Bad move. "I'm half of this mess! I should get at least some say, shouldn't I?" 

"And I'm the other half!" Adora pointed at her own chest, then at Catra, stopping her dead in her tracks "So you don't get the only say! Besides, this is my career. You don't get half of what I do with my career and you sure don't get to play with it!"

"But I already did play with it…!? I was trying to fix things! Why can't you see that!? Adora, I was trying to help!!!"

"By ruining your future!? By not asking me what I wanted!? How could you be so insensitive!?"

"Stop it! I did what I did because I love you…! So don't be cruel- stop- stop attacking me, _p-please."_ Catra practically begged the last part. 

_Cruel._

Adora had just.

She'd just-

"... I'm sorry." She leaned against the desk, head hung low. Her anger was not at all what it was. Momentarily tempered. Hurt, yes. Rage, no. "I didn't mean to be cruel. I shouldn't have behaved that way." 

Adora knew that when she was assigning great fault, perhaps the most important thing was to assign it correctly. Regardless of what Catra had done, there was simply no excuse for that. 

Of course...

"I love you," Catra repeated in a whisper. "That's why I told them it was my fault. I didn't mean to hurt you."

That didn't change that Catra had still done what she'd done.

"… I'm sorry I'm so… I just- that's not a good enough reason for that. I'm sorry."

"Then what is?"

Adora thought about it. 

Really thought. 

And to be honest? 

"I don't know." 

"What's happening to us?" Catra's tone turned to panic that she had not had previously. "What are we-" 

"I don't know that either." 

"What do you mean you don't know?" 

"I mean that I don't know. It's exactly what it sounds like." Adora looked back up at Catra. "I don't think I can be around you for a little while. I'm too upset."

Afraid as she undoubtedly was, Catra remained firmly in place. "... What? No, Adora. I'm sorry. I-I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make things worse. I-I swear I wanted to help you, not upset you. I know this is my fault too, b-but I don't want to go, please don't-"

"Catra. We're not breaking up, but I'm angry and need some space from you so I can process everything. You need to respect that. I'll tell you when I'm ready to talk." 

Catra looked like she was about to burst into tears, and it took everything in Adora not to sweep her into a comforting embrace then and there, but that would defeat the purpose of space. 

So instead, she said nothing. Did nothing. Waited until the moment Catra visibly deflated with the realization that she had crossed such a major line. 

"Okay… I'll uh… I'll s-see you…"

Slowly, painfully, she finally made to leave the room. 

And Adora was angry again.

Angry at Catra for her deliberate screw up.

Angry at herself for hurting Catra. 

Angry at the fact she might end up losing both her career and her relationship.

Angry at herself for being angry at all. 

Angry.

She scanned the room. It still wasn't to say goodbye. It didn't feel even real, so screw it, she decided. She'd come back later. If they'd cleared it by then, that was fine too. They could junk it for all she cared. 

The problem was the present, because how was she supposed to calm down? And what was she supposed to do for the rest of the day? Apart from her feelings. She didn't have a job, and she didn't have the bandwidth to go looking for a new one yet. She wasn't that far off not owning a house either. She was about one thread away from not having a girlfriend as well. 

She'd built up enough stamina to face her problems head on, that was obvious - but all that had already been expended earlier in the day. She needed to regroup. Needed to think. 

And home didn't feel like home.

So. Seriously.

… What the hell was she supposed to do?

She got out her phone, intent on chasing down the only idea she had. 

(2:38 p.m.) 

_**Adora:** Is she home?_

_**Bow:** No, she's at work._

_**Bow:** Why? _

_**Bow:** Is it over? Are you okay?_

Intent on chasing it down completely.

Driving largely with one hand was certainly not safe. She didn't have a choice, though, not with Catra done. She headed over to Bow regardless. It was a strange sensation knocking on that door, and a yet stranger one having it opened without drama. 

Bow gave her a tired, worried smile.

She couldn't muster up a remotely believable one in return. So instead, she headed right in to dive right in. Anything to distract her hands- hand. 

"Please don't be so rough with that. That's from my dads." 

"Sorry…" Adora put the elaborately engraved wooden box back down.

She had admittedly been less than careful with it. She was here, with Bow, but really with herself. She couldn't calm down, even with distractions in front of her and just about an hour between her and her fight with Catra. 

It wasn't working the way it should've.

"Are you sure you should be helping me at all?" Bow asked cautiously. It was the first time he'd questioned it since she arrived. The first time he'd questioned much of anything, actually, other than the outcome of the meeting. "I thought you weren't supposed to with your hand like that. Also you're kind of- well…" 

"Probably not," and Adora thought back to her broken commitment to clearing out the office. "But I can't deal with my own life right now, so I guess I came here to deal with yours…"

"You're going to end up back at the ER if you keep _'dealing'_ with my life and carrying things you shouldn't. Maaaybe stick to conversation for now?" 

Adora ignored the suggestion, moving over to a pile of paperbacks he'd set aside. They were light enough that Bow wouldn't bother her about it. "Where's all this going, anyway?" 

"Uh, half of it to the new place and the other half to a storage unit."

"Are you staying with a friend?" Adora was a little taken aback he hadn't asked her, but he had said he felt like he'd imposed too much. She swore things were okay between them. He'd even started texting back more frequently. 

_Frankly, she could use the company._

"No, I really found a place." Bow explained. "And, uh… Adora. I think I need to come clean about something. Remember on the phone when I said this was all my fault?" 

"You think everything's your fault, Bow. It never is."

"No, it is," he sighed and tested that his favorite armchair wouldn't damage the floor if he scooched it across the living room. It was stupidly large, much better to lift, and definitely a two person job. Thankfully, it didn't make any marks, so he began slowly pushing it across the ground and towards the front door. "I didn't know how to say it then, but I didn't make the decision to move out after she reported you. Catra was right. Things still weren't going well and-" a huff, "-then she started turning on me too, so I said I thought I was done and I guess she decided that was it. Maybe if I sucked it up, or maybe if I tried to work it out a little longer-" another, and his voice was starting to crack in that way it did, "-well maybe she wouldn't have done it. I-I don't know."

God, why was everyone like that? 

That didn't change anything at all. 

"It's not your fault, Bow." Adora said almost sternly, then went to help him push the chair, albeit with one hand. Bow looked at her, clearly deciding whether or not to tell her off or let her continue. With silence as her cue, she went on with the latter. It was a good thing too. It was the one thing Adora concretely had down. "The only person who doesn't ever seem guilty is her. It's always us passing the blame around. That should tell you something."

He didn't look too convinced, instead turning back to focus on the chair. "I mean, I guess…" 

"I'm serious. I don't blame you, but I guess I can't get anyone to believe me about that."

"Catra still thinks it's her fault too?" Bow frowned. 

Another pulse of bubbling upset. The chair moved a little faster. Huh. "Yup. We're in a fight. Catra- she- ugh. She told them she blackmailed me. I shut that down and you already know how that ended up. We…" Adora had to take a second to gather herself. "We aren't talking. It- it was my decision."

"Oh. Oh no…" Bow hadn't had too much insight about Catra either. Still locked up. That made his face fall plenty though, mm.

"I don't want it to be happening," Adora said simply. "I'm mad at her. That's all I can think of..."

They were finally making real progress at moving the chair. Bow didn't prod for another good fifteen seconds, but he kept glancing over. She could feel his eyes on her. The unavoidable question finally spilled out in what must've been against Bow's better judgement.

"... Are you going to break up with her?"

And unfortunately, "I really don't know right now."

"I'm sorry." 

"It's fine." 

She thought that was the end of it. They were even nearing the front door. Apparently though, it was not the end. 

"So… I know you want space, but aren't you a little worried she might run off?" He shrugged. "I'm just remembering what happened last time you two had a big fight."

"I don't think she's still that immat-..." Adora stopped helping him. She felt sick at the thought. Too sick to move. "I don't know that either." 

"You're not going to go after her if she does, are you?"

 _"I don't know._ Can you- can you please-"

"I'll stop asking. I'm sorry." With a grunt, Bow finally pushed the chair all the way up against the wall next to the front door. "I guess I'm used to you having some idea of what your plans are."

"They were usually Glimmer's." 

"Oh, well…" He straightened up. There was an awkward silence, so cleared his throat. "About her. She's probably going to be home in less than a half hour. How about I meet you over there in a little while and we unpack the first bit of all this. Sound good?"

Nothing sounded good. Not really. 

"Yeah." 

Adora hadn't really helped at all. She looked around Bow and Glimmer's house. Funnily enough, this time, it felt like a goodbye. Maybe she hadn't cared about the office. Or maybe she was just tapping into Bow.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. It startled her out of her trance.

"And hey," Bow smiled a little painfully, "who knows, maybe we can be roommates or something sometime in the future." 

… Yeah.

Roommates...

Right.

At least he'd come to terms with his situation, even if it made him sad.

At least he had a single freaking clue.

Adora left, not sure what she had expected, yet still thoroughly disappointed with her attempt at cooling down. Perhaps moving Bow's things in would help her work some of it out a little better. 

Upon following the address he'd given her, Adora discovered that her friend had secured a small one room in the formerly industrial (now uncomfortably gentrified and hip) part of downtown. The area was bustling. A nice distraction for him, for sure. Probably why he chose it. That or, well, it was also a lot closer to his work. It probably afforded him some much needed distance from Glimmer. 

It also lowered the chances he would run into her. 

_Would Adora run into Catra…? What if they saw each other before Adora was ready and…_

Adora was about five minutes into busying herself by unloading some of the smallest items when a certain someone's booming voice almost induced a stroke. 

_"PROFESSOR!"_

She didn't even have to search around for its source, because the source just about immediately made itself known. Adora was about to say something about how that word didn't really apply anymore, but didn't get the chance. 

Scorpia marched up to her, stopping not six inches away and already posturing. Crap. Catra’s friend. Best. Friend. Not Catra, though based on Scorpia's tone, arguably worse. "I swore to myself that if I saw you somewhere, I'd say something!" She puffed out her chest, trying to look as intimidating as possible despite the fact she was holding a (real) bouquet of flowers. It was surprisingly effective. "So I'm gonna do it. Alright! I've stood by long enough!"

Adora hastened to step back several paces, semi-concerned that she was about to end up on crutches too. Hand. Stroke? Crutches? "Huh…!?" 

"Did you tell her she wasn't allowed!?" 

"Scorpia- I'm not really-"

"I've never seen her so upset! First she told me she wouldn't, y'know? Then she got all sad and now she won't come out of her room!" Scorpia's eyes narrowed, she advanced again. "I know it's you. It's gotta have something to do with you."

Scorpia knew. Great. Just great. _It was already spreading._ What another great thing to learn on yet another great day. 

"Alright," Adora's brain worked overtime to gather her thoughts in a calm and collected manner. She could do this without panicking. She had to do this. "Obviously you know about us, so I get why you're protective of her. And _yes,_ we're in a fight right now, but-" 

"So you did!" Scorpia declared in the scariest form of triumphant possible. "Listen here, because you're not hurting my best friend ever again."

Jesus. 

Adora held her ground the next time Scorpia moved forward, which resulted in the woman's face almost pressing against her own. "I didn't mean to hurt her, Scorpia. I didn't even do anything until I found out that she didn't tell me her plan." 

_Closer._

"Her plan?"

_Calmer._

"Yes," Adora nodded, still steeling herself. "Scorpia. Her plan. You know, with her and the school-"

_Closer._

"That doesn't seem like her plan. She's worked hard for this for years," Scorpia came dangerously close to jabbing Adora's chest. She had enough restraint not to, but only barely. "She's a mess right now. You really think I'll fall for that? I know I don't catch everything, but I know enough!"

_Wait, what? How could it not be her plan?_

"Hold on. Hold on. I don't think we're having the same conversation right now. What do you _think_ happened?"

"You told her she couldn't go to Columbia! What else!?"

_Ah…_

That was…

Another thing Catra had failed to mention. 

Fantastic.

Adora felt that one deep. 

It wasn't even anger. It was overwhelming churning in her stomach.

"She got in…" 

She was on the outside again, wasn't she. She hadn't even realized how much she'd been put there. Her surprise and hurt must've shown. Scorpia actually backed off, looking just as confused and incredibly embarrassed.

She even tilted her head. "... So uhhh, wait. Did you not..." 

"When did she find out?" Adora asked. She had to make a conscious effort to fight back the tears. 

"Uhhh…" Scorpia leaned back some, seemingly subconsciously. Started looking this way and that. Uncomfortable. Oddly reminiscent of earlier in the day. "Wednesday?"

Catra had really known. This wasn't even a today thing. Catra had known that too...

"We're fighting because I wouldn't let herself get expelled so I didn't get fired." Adora explained, her nausea also growing. "That must be why she's saying she won't go to Columbia."

"Oh." 

That's all Scorpia said.

"Yeah..." Adora searched for something else to say. The tension between them grew in an entirely new way. She almost preferred Scorpia’s protectiveness, because not knowing almost felt safer. But it wasn’t. Not knowing was never safer. "So, she told you about us?"

"Uh, no..." Scorpia shrugged, still more than a little apologetic. "Yeah, so... You two were pretty obvious, y'know." 

Silence. More of Scorpia awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact. Adora considered walking away, but she couldn’t do that either. She couldn’t leave Bow’s stuff. Instead, she leaned against the car for support, trying to hold Scorpia’s gaze. “If you knew, then why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you talk to me?"

Scorpia seemed surprised at the question. It wasn't clear why. It was the next logical step, wasn't it? "Well… I wasn't sure what to think about it for a while. But… I guess I thought Catra seemed happy." 

Adora didn't truly hear anything following the word _“happy.”_ Her heart practically stopped. 

While plenty more rambling explanations came... 

"Like, really happy! And you were nice, and maybe I didn't want her to be mad at me, but I just figured I'd keep an eye on her. She’s not happy now though, and she’s my best friend. So I want to help her. I guess maybe I shouldn’t have assumed- but it made sense at the time…! Sorry…?"

… None of the rest made it through. 

Because Catra seemed-

"Okay," was all Adora managed. She was still trying not to cry. 

“So, um. I gotta know.” Scorpia smiled very weakly. "... Do you love her?" 

"Yes." 

Always yes. 

Scorpia considered it. Considered it differently than Catra considered things. Her thinking showed on her face more, so Adora at least had the relief of knowing Scorpia believed her. "Then I think you should talk to her."

But that also wasn't an option. Not yet. Conversation could and would come later, but Adora had asked for space less than a few hours ago. Seriously, what did Scorpia actually know? Adora was upset! "I just told you that she's the one-"

"Orrr let her talk to you!" Scorpia corrected with a real, hopeful smile this time. "Because whatever happens between you two… I mean, _I don't really know about that,_ but you need to tell her to go to Columbia. I can't. Believe me, I tried! She's hardly talked to me though. She was out all week, and then she came back like an hour ago angry crying and wouldn't let me in her room."

"I understand-"

"I don't like seeing Catra upset. So please, let her fix this? She just needs a chance! I'm sure she'll work it out with you."

_Alright, alright. It was clear Scorpia wasn't going to stop until Adora conceded._

"Thank you, Scorpia. I _promise_ to talk to her." 

_It wasn't really a concession, though. She'd already said it to Catra. The only difference now was that it was made firm by an actual promise. Even if it wasn't as soon as Scorpia wanted, it would happen._

Scorpia's demeanor shifted into something even happier. Much too happy. She was practically beaming. "So you really do care! Wow! I was right back when I was in your class."

“Oh, I-”

And then, oh God, Scorpia hugged her. Adora wasn't sure she hadn't been crushed into jello. Surely, she must not have. She was still technically alive. The real danger was that Scorpia might squeeze the tears out. Or worse, whatever was brewing in her stomach.

"Thanks for talking, Professor! Gosh, I’m super relieved like you have no idea!"

Like it had been a choice.

"Yeah um, fired- remember?-”

"You're still one to me." Scorpia squeezed tighter. 

_"Ohhhkaythankyou."_

Tighter, and now she was applying so much pressure that the tears were indeed coming out from that alone. Also-

"S-Scorpia, myhand-"

"Oh yeah! Sorry! You have a cast!? How'd you do that?"

Adora practically doubled over the moment Scorpia let go, panting as she wiped her face. She didn’t want to look up. She still felt on the verge of giving in to her other bodily urge too, and it wasn’t like that question helped her come down from it.

Answering it was not fun. She was vague. Said she fell. Scorpia didn’t get it, but it was still “so AWFUL,” as she put it. Eventually, Scorpia had to go. She cheerfully explained that the (now ruffled) flowers were for her date. Adora got the feeling that if Scorpia hadn’t had that to pull her away, then they might have stood there until Bow arrived. 

And then some. 

Adora remained on the verge of tears while she and Bow unpacked everything she'd brought over for him. She also had to tolerate that nausea the whole time. She'd promised to talk to Catra. She already knew she would, but somehow promising it made it more real. Besides, Scorpia didn't seem like the type of person to twist anything around. Well, not on purpose, anyway.

Adora barely managed to get what they had into the apartment, then excused herself to hurry home. When she got there, she was greeted with the sight of long since delivered food at the door. 

She couldn't believe she'd forgotten...

_Catra did say she'd figure out dinner._

So she'd ordered it for Adora. 

Catra… 

It was undoubtedly guilt food. Such knowledge soured the experience somewhat, but Catra had been right to assume Adora hadn't eaten. 

At least she cared. 

She brought the food inside, not really intending to eat it. Less about Catra. More about…

How her stomach was doing. 

She took off her necklace and set it on the nightstand the moment she went into her room. It wasn't easy to do with one hand, but like driving, it was absolutely necessary. It had begun feeling heavy again. 

She promised herself she'd try to put it on again soon. 

She promised herself she wouldn't do it when she was upset. 

Contradictory statements? Maybe. 

Adora ended up going to bed at 9, but stayed up till 1. She still hated sleeping alone, although this time it was balanced by those now consistent waves of nausea. These ones were caused by the mere existence of Catra's side of the bed, which quite frankly, might as well have had yellow tape all over it. It felt like a crime to be near something so painful. Its bareness crept closer and closer until it finally became too much and forced Adora out of bed. She gave in, staggered to the bathroom, fell to her knees over the toilet and threw up. After that, she moved the couch, a self imposed punishment for something not even she understood.

She didn't manage any sleep there either.

It was just hours upon hours of scrolling through old messages. _She missed Catra more than anything in the entire world._

God damn it.

\---

Six days passed. Catra hadn't texted once. Hadn't sent food since the first evening, either. While she lived it, Adora was painfully aware of everything that was happening. That clarity faded in retrospect.

The first few days were the worst. 

When that first Monday arrived, she couldn't quite remember if she'd done anything over the weekend at all. She woke up ready to go to work, rolled out of bed (which she had barely forced herself to sleep in), then remembered her predicament and promptly returned to the mattress. She wasn't sure how long she stayed there. She knew she needed to get up. After all, things would be dire if she didn't come up with an actual plan on how to proceed. It wasn't like she qualified for unemployment. But that was not the problem she cared about. Catra was the only problem she could focus on. 

The rest of the week had dragged on. 

Whenever she saw anything that reminded her of Catra, she became, unfortunately, rationally upset. The thoughts cycled through at least once every fifteen minutes. 

Because _what had Catra been thinking!?_

_So what if it was love!_

_Catra knew better!_

_Catra could act better!_

_Do better._

_Also, what was Catra doing?_

_Right now..._

_And how was she feeling?_

_Did she miss Adora?_

_Surely she did._

_But had Catra really thought so lowly of Adora's decision making skills?_

_Or was it actual selfishness?_

It was on that sixth day that Adora learned the most fascinating fact about minds: they were always going to follow you. 

See, Adora found that when wasn't curled up in bed hating life, and when she wasn't pacing back and forth while fuming as she thought about Catra, she was downtown, sitting and staring at some chain coffee shop's help wanted ad. 

_Was she going to end up working here? At a place like this?_

Yup, bad idea. Horrible idea. She dropped her overpriced, hardly touched beverage straight into the trash and exited the building. She regretted that she'd wasted money on coffee when she could've sat at home and been just as miserable for free. 

That sent her right back into the empty house and into its nothingness. 

Late that very night, it got to her. Bow's words, while certainly truthful, had successfully eaten their way into her skull. The more days passed, the worse it got. 

Was Catra respectfully giving her space like she asked? 

… Or had she run away? 

Catra could've. It would be like Catra. Catra could be on the other side of the country by now, maybe even with someone-

Too far. Too painful. That anger wasn't rational, so she settled it, hopefully that was a good sign? But it did make Adora desperate. She wanted Catra to message her. To say something, anything. Yet she hadn't.

Adora craved nothing more than to understand. 

Maybe she could text her first.

She even thought she should. 

After all, it was unfair to expect Catra to read her mind like that. 

Then Adora thought she probably shouldn't. 

But she said she would...

Except she also kind of-

This was Adora's relationship, not that flower petal picking game thingy. Catra deserved more care than luck. Deserved the chance Scorpia had mentioned. Deserved more decisive action. Actually, so did Adora. 

_How long was she supposed to take for herself, anyways? Adora guessed it depended on the person. For some, maybe a day or two would be all they could stand. For others, maybe a month or more. Apparently, for Adora, it was those endless six days. That was all she could handle._

The pain and insecurity of Catra's absence had finally outweighed the rest of her upset. She wasn't sure if it was because she was ready to handle it or not, but she'd already committed. She missed Catra. That was the decision. It wasn't logical, no matter what she said. 

There would be no good time to do it Adora wasn't sure how far on the outside she'd been delegated to. She simply needed to know. 

She tried to draft something moderately coherent. Something about how she was still upset, but probably shouldn't have pushed her away so long. That she could come get her if she needed. That maybe they could talk.

Except it was after midnight by then.

Each draft was more overthought than the next, a product of how late it was. It didn't take long for her to give up on that approach. 

(12:22 a.m.)

_**Adora:** Are you awake? I want to see you._

Read instantly. There was no time to regret it, or even to hold her breath and wait. 

.(12:22 a.m.)

_**Catra:** ok_

It took less than half an hour. 

Though she had her ears pricked, Adora didn't actually hear the front door open. The bedroom door, on the other hand, was harder to make totally silent. 

_A somewhat unsettling sound._

Catra must've thought so too. 

"Hey, it's me…" Her familiar voice came as a low whisper as she slid into her usual spot, filling that void of nothingness with a much more comforting warmth.

_She hadn't run away._

_Catra had listened._

_Catra had come._

_She really…_

Enjoying that warmth at all almost felt like a betrayal to the situation. An uncomfortable cheat. She was on her side, her back to Catra, but it still came as a surprise when Catra moved to hold her from behind. 

"You're here," she whispered back. She wasn't sure where to start, or if starting all was a good move so late. Where was she supposed to begin...? "... Thank you. I'm sorry that I took so long. I needed, um, time…"  
.  
"Yeah. I figured." Catra had to scoot up a little for her positioning to work even a little correctly. 

It was sweet. Adora allowed a small, strained smile to herself, though it still ached. "I could've sworn you said being big spoon made you feel like you're a jetpack." 

Did that work?

Did half hearted, inappropriate humor help?

_Almost…_

"Well... I… I missed you, so I don't care. I just wanted to see you." Catra admitted, breath warming Adora's shoulder as she spoke. Her voice shook just enough to give away her fear. 

Adora didn't like that at all. 

Didn't like that she'd left Catra like that.

She felt her smile slip away as quickly as it came, hidden once more. They weren't here for jokes. She stared into the darkness of the opposite wall for several seconds before anything of substance to say came to mind. When it did, it wasn't pleasant. 

She reached back to find one of Catra's hands, taking it and bringing up almost to her chest. Insurance, maybe, because despite everything that had happened, this was the only place Adora could think to really start. Somewhere new. "Were you ever going to tell me you got in?"

Catra's breathing paused for a moment, but eventually, there was a sad sigh, like she'd prepared for this. Or tried to, at least. "... No. It didn't matter. At least, I thought it didn't…"

She didn't seem at all intent on questioning how Adora got that knowledge. She probably already knew, to be honest. 

"Well firstly, amazing job," Adora said quietly, running her thumb over Catra's knuckles. "That's really awesome and I would've liked to know sooner. Secondly, you are the one who stressed communication."

"I know…"

"And you know, you pushed me away all last week. It was hard. It- it is hard." 

"Yeah," Catra sighed again. "I'm getting that I made the wrong call."

But Catra had known that a week ago. Adora felt another chunk of her relief dissipate, replaced by an all too familiar frustration. She worked to keep it civil. 

"Why not just tell me? About everything, not just Columbia. We worked so hard on talking to each other. This feels like a slap in the face, Catra." 

It took Catra another few moments to formulate a response. 

"I don't know," she started unsteadily. "I-I was ashamed? But then I thought- hoped if I kept everything else else in, it would be fine after Friday. That you'd be okay and so would I. Is that a good enough answer?"

If she really believed that, she had no right teasing Adora for acting stupid. Another wave of anger, but controlled, just like the last. 

"No, not really. That feels selfish to me. You still took the decision away from me." 

"Alright, I'm sorry." Catra said, short in tone and pressing her forehead against Adora's back. "I should've thought about that more. I didn't want to do that to you. I'm sorry I fucked up ev- this thing… I'm sorry." 

She sounded it. Adora heard it this time. Really heard it, and it hurt. It must've felt so hard for Catra to stay put and face everything, yet she was. She was staying because she was sorry.

The anger receded somewhat. 

A little.

Not enough though.

_Maybe almost._

"I know you are," Adora murmured in reply as she squeezed Catra's hand again. "I know." 

She didn't know what to say after that. It felt like the end of whatever each of them had to say, and that in of itself was a relief. It really wasn't a smart time to have a more constructive talk. At least their contact had encouraged both of them to re-establish at least a basic level of connection? That was something which Adora was eternally grateful for. She knew that much. 

After many silent minutes where Adora drifted through her unsure thoughts, occasionally having to calm herself down, Catra unexpectedly spoke again. 

"Can we have a break from this…?"

Like that, Adora was violently thrust back into the present. It felt like she'd swallowed a rock and was about to choke on it. She almost turned around right then, less to make sure that Catra had said those words and more to reassure herself that Catra was even still there. That she hadn't upped and disappeared into the night because their issues had become too difficult to handle. 

_Adora didn't want to experience that fear ever again._

She knew enough about relationships to understand that the word "break" was really just short-form for "break up." Things pretty much never came back together after a break. Most of the time, people didn't even talk. They moved on. 

Yes, Adora knew there was a chance she was being hypocritical considering she'd also taken space. She said they'd talk though, that it wasn't a break up. So that wasn't really a break - _was it?_ That was time. Time for thinking about the future. This felt different to Adora, like it wasn't for thinking, more for detaching. Perhaps that was a panic induced rationalization. 

The point was that it was a terrifying idea. Catra being the one to broach the subject was proof enough to Adora that actually ending things was something she never, ever wanted. It was decided like that. Decided for her.

No, she didn't know how Catra could fix things. She didn't know what she needed yet, and fine, she probably was a hypocrite, but she couldn't handle the thought of splitting up in the least. 

Not even now. 

Not even from this upset.

Never.

She'd fight for that if need be. 

"You mean-" 

"Like, can we not be upset for tonight? Maybe also for a couple hours in the morning?" Catra continued, mumbling a little. "I know I fucked up, but I hate you being mad at me… I just want to wake up and have everything be okay for a little bit."

_Holy shit…_

_Okay…_

"Catra, I thought-..." Adora closed her eyes, relief sweeping through her body.

_Okay._

_False alarm._

"I'm sorry. I know that's selfish too, but yeah… I told you I didn't know what I was doing with all this stuff, mm, I don't know? Forever ago now. I still don't. This is really hard for me too."

In some ways, Catra was right. It was a selfish ask. They hadn't worked anything out and feelings didn't just go away. Then again, Adora wanted it too. _Also, Adora had been selfish as well, in her own way…_

Perhaps it was fairest to do it. In fact, perhaps it was for the best. After all, finding a time and place to properly hash it out would probably be the most mature thing either of them had done in several days. If they did that, neither of them would be regularly expending copious amounts of emotional energy when the other wasn't ready to handle it.

With that thought in mind, the lump in Adora's throat slowly receded. God, if she was anything like Adora, Catra must have been terrified all week. "Okay… I think we can try to do that. I don't know if it'll actually work, but we can try." 

"... Thanks for that." 

"Maybe we can start with breakfast tomorrow, then try to talk?" 

"Yeah." Catra sounded just as relieved as Adora felt a few seconds earlier. "Breakfast first." 

More silence, and suddenly, not seeing Catra for their whole discussion felt wrong. Adora awkwardly turned to lay on her other side, facing Catra the first time that night. Catra looked so small. Like she didn't know if she belonged.

It hurt in ways Adora understood well.

_But it also hurt in ways she didn't ever want to admit - not even to herself._

Adora hesitated before deciding to kiss her. It almost felt normal. Almost. And so, "do you want me to hold you like usual?"

Catra shook her head, eyes glistening in such a way that Adora felt a pang in her chest. "I think this is okay." 

"You think it's okay or it's really okay?"

"I can't tell."

Adora reached out, lightly resting her hand on the back of Catra's head and guiding it forward until it rested underneath her chin and against her chest. Catra curled up a little more than usual. It wasn't a position either of them had experimented with before, but it felt strangely correct, if not almost entirely whole. It put the growl in Adora's chest to bed. It told everything else that ached that it was time to rest. It really wasn't enough, but in some ways, it almost was.

_Almost._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like we needed a(n admittedly microscopic) breather after all that emotional waterboarding.


	18. To Give and to Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My original decree:
> 
> 'The amount of reactions I got to my soft shell book thing was frankly ridiculous and I love you all. To those of you who felt traumatized by it, I apologize because you were thoroughly outvoted. I hereby decree that the english language is forever changed to accommodate this highly superior descriptor of books."
> 
> (Ugh I'm sorry guys ao3 fucked me again with the posting forgive me. It's not on purpose, I swear. One of these days I'll get good luck smh.)
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

Adora dreamed that she was in bed with Catra. It was a warm dream, and if memory served her correctly, she was holding Catra similarly to how she was when she woke. Perhaps Adora dreamed it because it was her greatest wish, or maybe because it was also somewhat of a fear. Then again, it was probably only because it was her reality. 

Waking up to it as reality, despite their agreement, did not feel the same as her dream. It was warm, but not quite as much. Neither of them had moved much during the night, although one of Catra's arms had made its way around Adora. Her hand rested loosely on Adora's back. It almost seemed ready to clutch at a moment's notice. 

She was still asleep.

Adora briefly entertained the possibility that Catra might try to stay in bed as long as possible by pretending to be unconscious. It wasn't like she had a reason to look forward to the morning truce ending. 

But yes, she was asleep, and genuinely so. Her breathing was too deep for it to be anything other than total exhaustion. Adora said she would try, so she did. She tried for Catra. Kissed the top of her head before starting to extricate herself from Catra's grip. Adora did not intend on waking her. Just as she still suspected that Catra wasn't looking forward to facing life after breakfast, neither was Adora. She also wanted more time. 

Also as Adora suspected, not even sleeping Catra was a fan of Adora trying to get out of bed. The arm around her tightened. Adora felt a mixture of sweetness and annoyance about it, but at least there was no resentment. She supposed now would be as good a time as any to express the nature of their agreement. It wasn't pretending, exactly. It was a genuine attempt. Still, it was easier to try some while Catra was asleep and before fully committing to the real deal.

Once again, Adora carefully began to move Catra's arm off her. "I'm getting up," she whispered to ease the process along, just barely audible. "But I'm not going far, I promise. I'm coming back."

It must've helped. 

Slowly, and with continued quiet reassurance, Catra's already tired hold slackened until Adora was finally free. She looked back once got out of bed, remembering how warmly she'd felt the first morning of break. Waking Catra up. Making breakfast. It was a simpler time.

This morning light was far less kind. Catra had eye bags now. She hadn't even taken off her jeans before sleeping. She looked defeated in a way Adora had never seen, even in her sleep like that. 

_It was admittedly very difficult to be mad at that. It was hard because it hurt._

Adora pulled the blankets a little higher over Catra's body, whispered that the words _"I love you"_ were honest to God, still true, then decided to start preparing for the day. Whatever that entailed. She tip-toed out and to the bathroom first. She did her business there, washed her hands, and ended up staring into the mirror. She looked worse for wear too. Really, no better than Catra. 

Back to the bedroom for the most silent change in Adora's life, and her eyes kept wandering over to the bed. It was hard reconciling the image of Catra now versus Catra about eight hours ago. It was even harder putting those two versions next to the woman who-

_Crap._

_Adora dropped her comb._

Surprisingly, _thankfully,_ nothing happened. Catra would've at least stirred from that at any other time. If she had a busy day then she would've sat up straight and hissed like a snake. 

_Mm._

Adora exited the bedroom for the second time to head into the kitchen. Perhaps part of okay could be breakfast in bed. It was a nice thought, but she should've known better simply by passing by the fridge. If only she'd gone to the store and restocked the fridge, then she'd have something substantial to offer Catra. And herself. Herself too. Yeah...

After several minutes of trying and failing to cobble something together (both physically and mentally), she got the distinct sensation that she was being watched.

Oh, already? 

_Okay._

To be honest, Adora was not sure whether okay just meant pretending _they_ were okay or whether it included pretending that all of life was okay. The first was a challenge. The second would be a nightmare.

She turned around slowly, more tense than she would've liked. "Hey. How'd you sleep?" 

Much to her guilt, Adora felt a pang of hurt almost immediately. Things couldn't be simple, could they? The previous night had taken away those rumbles of anger, even allowed her to feel Catra without much reservation - so perhaps it was only natural that the day had given them back. Yes, it was hard to be upset at a sleeping Catra. But this was not a sleeping Catra. This was a Catra who was fully aware of the hurt she'd caused. 

_Even though she was sorry, being okay was going to be a lot harder than Adora thought._

"Better than yesterday, I guess." Catra had her arms crossed, clearly for comfort. She was searching for something between them. 

_Still though, it was necessary. For all the ache, Adora didn't want this to end. If Catra was extending herself, so should she._

"I uh, I'm sorry I wasn't there. I didn't want to wake you up. You seemed like you needed the sleep. I was going to come back with food, but I guess you already- well..."

Neither of them found anything to say for several seconds. Adora hated feeling those little twinges of anger a thousand times more. She fought them off as best she could. 

"It's okay," Catra finally quietly replied, deciding to circle around the island and toward Adora. Her eyes roamed Adora's body. She stopped in front of her, and her hand hesitantly hovered above where the necklace should've been before slowly moving up, seemingly pushing away that doubt. _Oh._ "... Can I?"

Adora had to close her eyes and think. She wanted nothing more than that, but saying yes to Catra initiating still took effort. It took effort because she was afraid how touch might upset her again. She really didn't want to do anything that could irrationally trigger a breakup. Even if she didn't know what she needed... 

Eventually though, she nodded, ready to commit to the act being okay.. "Yes." 

Thankfully, it was. 

As conversation had evolved, as sex had evolved, this too had changed in nature. She kept her eyes firmly closed and let Catra's love pour through the kiss. She let herself feel it as a reminder of what they had. 

To be honest, Adora was not sure if she truly kissed back.

She was, however, sure that she tried. 

It was everything she wanted, even if it didn't feel entirely normal.

When Catra pulled away, lingering a touch too long, it was simple to see what Catra was searching for. She wouldn't say it. Neither of them would. More than that though, the answer to her fear about what was expected to be okay was also in that kiss: Catra did not need the world to be alright, just them. Just enough to comfort each other. That relaxed Adora considerably. Yes, she could work with that.

She broke into a small, unsure smile, because at that brief moment, she felt no anger at all. 

Catra's expression also changed for a moment, went from relief to something more neutral. "So…"

"So?"

"... So, what's for breakfast?" 

"Ah, well… I haven't felt- I haven't gotten around to going to the store." Adora admitted, her smile already fading. She cleared her throat. "Things have been complicated, especially about work." 

Catra made a small "mm" of acknowledgement, gathering herself as she rocked back and forth on her heels. Then, "yeah. Sorry about that… I'm guessing that keeps getting in the way of, you know, stuff." 

"Did you practice that?" Adora simply had to ask. 

"Maybe I learned a few things from you." Catra shrugged. "... And maybe I talked to Scorpia's new girlfriend. She thought I should 'share' your burden,' or whatever." 

"Oh?" 

"She runs the school's advice column. I didn't really ask her, though. Scorpia told her I was having 'problems' and she more uh, appeared out of thin air and told me things. Worked through some stuff. I didn't say it was you, and I don't want to get into any more details, but... I think she's right." 

Things, huh. It did seem fair to assume that Catra was being truthful, and that her vagueness was because they were supposed to be pretending to be okay. It was a rare moment that Adora did not feel a deep desire to know whatever that woman had told Catra had obviously helped to get her here, staying here and trying. 

Adora appreciated that. Her smile returned, a little more genuine than before. "She seems like she knows what she's doing better than us most of the time."

"Unfortunately," Catra smiled back a little awkwardly. And then, as if she just remembered their agreement, she changed the subject. "I think you're right about that. She also said something about spiritual integration, then I got annoyed and went back to my room." 

_Alright, well, back to working on that whole okay deal._

"I know you like waffles as your staple," Adora began and turned back around, moving to one of the many empty cabinets. "And I wouldn't trust me to make anything more complicated right now either, but I don't have any mix. I've got…" Adora pulled out a can from the back of said very empty cabinet. "Canned apricots from- yuck, okay, don't eat those. I don't know when I got them. I hardly even eat apricots…" 

"I guess that's why they're in there." Catra teased lightly. 

Adora reached deeper into the back of the cabinet. "Graham crackers. When did I even-..."

"Very nutritious. Got any marshmallows? We can burn away our life problems over the stove." 

"And spam. I literally don't remember getting any of this stuff." She looked around for the bread, which was… "Moldy. Okay, um." For a moment, her brain conjured up the strange image of spam and expired apricots sitting on top of a bunch of stale graham crackers and moldy bread. She gave Catra a sheepish smile. "I'm not sure about breakfast."

"Well, we can go out." Catra offered. "We get enough shit delivered. Might as well finally switch things up."

Adora quirked an eyebrow at the thought. See, if she kept spending money- never mind. The big issue was their relationship had to be- huh Then she supposed…

Well. It didn't particularly matter anymore, did it? 

"Alright, you go change and then we'll get breakfast." 

\---

They decided on a place within walking distance, a certain uh, waffle _home._ Neither wanted to drive. Adora said something about not getting enough exercise. Catra said something about it not being that cold anymore anyways. 

As it turned out, constant movement helped quell that feeling inside. Made it easier to fight. Made it comfortable enough to hold Catra's hand, actually. Adora even took the initiative, which she suspected, privately gave Catra much relief. Even in her state, Adora had to admit there was something nice about walking around the neighborhood like that. They weren't that far away from campus. Anyone could see them. Some did, neighbors and the occasional passerby. 

It clearly worried Catra. Catra rarely worried like this. Like, for real, Adora thought back to Catra's recklessness when they first- no, no. She wasn't going there. 

_Catra didn't want to mess up again. That's what counted. That's what Adora told herself, that that was what counted._

"I don't know, Adora. Maybe we shouldn't. I don't want them to fuck things up more for either of us. If they decide to investigate more- or if they change their minds-"

Of all the things that worried Adora, that was not one of them. Not anymore. "You can let that go-" too…? Adora refrained. "-because they have their story. I promise all they want is to bury it now, not dig up more scandals."

"But if they talk to her again…"

"You're forgetting that they don't care who's right. All they care about is that someone takes the blame and it's easy to sweep under the rug."

"I guess so. It kind of sucks to know they really are that shitty."

"Not entirely," Adora corrected. "They're not kicking you out, right?" 

"I don't think they like me very much." Catra grumbled. "I mean I-I don't care if they do, but they're assholes…"

"They probably want you gone just as much as they wanted me gone. The sooner you graduate, the better. The point is," Adora squeezed Catra's hand a little tighter in time with another random spark (and she wasn't sure whether that was a healthy way to fight it). "Fair or not, I think we're okay to hold hands." 

Those last few words calmed Catra down for the rest of the walk. Only when they arrived at the restaurant did Adora realize it might have been for another reason than the obvious. 

Waiting for their food, she ran out of things to say. That was just about everything on the spectrum of "okay and not fighting" that Adora could think of. It was hard to find things to talk about that weren't Catra's behavior. Even though it seemed to be allowed, she was also actively trying to avoid discussing just how hard everything else had been lately. 

For example, like when she wasn't actively upset at Catra, how this would be a pretty great time for Adora to finally figure out what she wanted to do with her life. 

How deep down and with the dearest hope they made it through this relatively unscathed, a shameful part of her needed Catra to tell her it was okay to start over. That Adora could end up as a waitress and it wouldn't bother her. That she just wanted Adora to be happy. 

Or, worse, how some sick, frustrated part of Adora was actually starting to miss Glimmer's guidance. She hadn't felt it before, but that was because things were still functioning. Now it felt like even with the support she had, and even with everything Glimmer had taken from her, the constant direction really had meant something. Sometimes- sometimes it had even been right. That had been part of the problem. 

_Right the wrong way was still right._

So Adora would wake up every day.

Having a handle on none of it. 

It was like the foundations of everything had been stripped bare. 

She wasn't stupid. It made her angry that she had mixed feelings about it. After all, that kind of stuff- it couldn't be the kind that decided things for her anymore. 

That…

She told herself, was in fact part of what was so wrong about what Catra did. Hence their fight. Hence Glimmer being gone. Hence Adora taking charge. Adora just wished she understood what to do better. 

Yeah. They had plenty of time to do that sometime later. If they even made it through the conversation that had to come first…

No, sitting still was not fun. Moving was much better. Everything felt stagnant like this. 

"How's class?" Adora asked abruptly, glad she'd missed such a simple question before. It gave her something to say. 

"It's okay."

"Not going to any later today?"

"I don't think so. It's fine though, don't worry." Catra said. A moment later, "I know you worry."

_Well crap. Adora was out again. Uhhh…_

Catra looked relaxed. Somehow. Did she not- Jesus, no. Adora needed to stop going there. She knew Catra was sorry. Besides, overly guilty Catra helped no one. They were here to fix things. 

"So, um. Have you done anything fun this week?" 

_Oh yeah, great question. Ugh._

"This is the funnest thing so far." 

"... That's not a very fun week, I'm sorry."

"Could be worse." Catra gave Adora a wry smile.

True. Catra could be in Alaska, that would be worse. But apart from that, Adora could not find anything else to help her relate to that statement. Another much sharper twinge appeared. Irrational.

She let it pass through her, like all the others. 

She could do better than that. 

A group of Brightmoon students came in to eat midway through. All but one of them made direct eye contact with Adora. 

"It's like they know." Adora whispered, honestly mostly to herself as they waited for the check. She knew it was yet another subject dangerously close to breaking their agreement, but she did say she'd try. Not succeed. 

"They probably do. You know how shit is." 

"Someone told someone."

"And they told someone else, who told someone else… I know." 

"The whole school will be talking about it." Adora sighed. It would still just be a rumor to most people, the school would make sure of that one - but it was also a true one, which doubly sucked for Adora. 

"Have you cleared out your office yet?" Catra asked, deadly serious. She even looked up from her waffle. 

_Which she was actually eating, thank God._

"No. It's been- well, you already get the idea."

"You should," she warned rather flatly. "Soon." 

"... You know people who heard about it, don't you?" 

Catra pushed the last piece of her waffle around in endless circles on the plate. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

After that uncomfortable revelation, Adora felt there was hardly anything okay about breakfast. It was a good attempt, but it was still at best, a hollow reprieve. The walk over had been far better. 

Catra paid. Adora briefly fought it, but decided it was not a worthy battle. Some battles were destined to be stupid. They exited the restaurant, once again hand in hand, although with an entirely new set of worries.

_Actually, never mind that statement from a few moments ago._

Adora realized she was wrong about breakfast. It actually had been okay, because after it was over, transitioning into not okay seemed practically impossible. There was definitely a line they had managed not to cross. If you'd asked her whether they'd crossed it before breakfast, she'd probably have said the conversation in the house had gone over it once or twice. Now she was here, she understood they'd both done a surprisingly good job. 

The problem now was that their little balance was hard to break.

The first part of the walk was an exercise in stops and starts. Adora tried despite the pit in her stomach. Catra watched her expectantly. Adora failed. Catra continued to watch. It was more a matter of words than courage, but still. 

About a third of the way home, Adora remembered how much better she felt while walking over. She didn't want to think how much worse she would feel once she was at home and still again. So she turned them onto a shared pedestrian and bike trail that also headed towards the house, albeit at a more leisurely pace. It winded through somewhat of a man-made forest. 

_They really needed to do this._

Catra did not question the change. 

Their walking speed slowed to nearly a crawl.

"So, you already know we need to talk." Adora started, glancing over at Catra. 

Catra was already looking at her, just as she had been for the last few minutes. She took a deep breath. "That's why I'm here, yeah." 

"Is now fine? The house feels kind of suffocating to me."

She nodded. "I signed up for any time after breakfast. So, sure." 

Adora could do this. Adora would do this. Adora would find a way to express herself. Maybe. 

Where to start?

_Where to start…_

_Well._

"I don't know where to start." 

"I can- I can do it." Catra offered almost immediately. "Listen, I know I fucked up. I can't say it enough. I know that, but-"

And then Adora had it. "Wait just a second."

"What?" 

"Sorry, I think it should be Columbia, then everything else." Oh, she should probably... "Is that okay?"

Catra practically stopped walking. Barely not, but almost. "But w-why are we starting there? I messed up and didn't listen to you. I was going to do a bunch of apologies a-and- fuck." 

"I think we need to talk about some of the things that went wrong." Adora said a little more firmly. "This is one of them. It's another thing you didn't tell me, and the latest thing I've learned about, so we should talk about it." 

_And really, Adora had to convince her to attend. She owed Scorpia, Catra, and herself that._

"Okay…" Catra breathed a sigh of defeat. "Got it. That's- okay. That's fair."

"Thank you." Adora slowed their speed even a little more. "You didn't tell me because you thought you'd get expelled, right? Just so we're on the same page."

"Yeah... Like I said, I thought it didn't matter. Look," she held onto Adora's hand more tightly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I got in. I'm sorry about all of it. If I could go back and beat myself into making a different choice, I would." 

"But you can't. Neither of us can fix that. We can only work with the present. And about the present… Catra, I'm sorry too, especially because you really, really have to go. It's all you've wanted for as long as I've known you. I can't imagine you'd ever want to give that kind of chance up."

Catra took another few seconds to come up with something. When she did, it wasn't anything Adora expected. "When'd you decide to get so adamant about that, anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"I guess I never really got the sense that you wanted me to go." She shrugged.

_Now that too?_

_She'd caught on?_

_Ugh._

It was also kind of frustrating. This wasn't the time- _calm._

"... You're right that I had a hard time with the idea," Adora admitted. "Except that doesn't mean I didn't want you to go. Yes, I also didn't want you to leave, but that was just because I knew I'd miss you." 

"I could stay," Catra replied much too quickly. "I already got used to the idea. I-I could get a job and help out, or maybe-"

"You need to go, Catra. You didn't get this far to fail, remember? You told me that." 

"Being with you isn't failing."

That one came out more mumbled than anything else. 

Wow, she really wasn't approaching this from a logical standpoint. Adora halted them on the path and turned to face her directly. 

"Forget everything else that's an issue between us right now. Let's just pretend- you can do that, right?" Catra nodded. "Okay, let's pretend this is all there is. We don't want to leave each other and you have this great opportunity. I still think you need to go. I support it. I've done a lot of things for the sake of other people, and yeah, sometimes it's the right thing, but that's not what's happening here. It would be bad for us if you sabotaged your life. What would you do then? Work retail with me? You don't deserve that." 

The end of that actually got darker than Adora intended, but it seemed to work. 

"Alright." Catra finally whispered. "I'll go."

_Good._

That didn't quite cover everything Adora had wanted to cover, but the point of that was to make sure Catra agreed to attend. To make sure Catra didn't wrongly throw away something she always wanted just for Adora's sake, especially when Adora didn't want her to throw it away.

Now...

Their relationship. The pit in Adora's stomach grew. That had been the easy part. She wasn't sure how to get through this, but the only way through was _through._

She started walking again, almost mechanical in her movements. This time, it was faster. The upset... "We need to talk about the other stuff too. You already know that you deciding what to do without me hurt my feelings." 

"I'm sorry."

"So… I don't know. Is there anything specific you want to say?"

"Besides that I'm sorry...? I want you to know that... I-I don't- I mean I didn't-..."

_Much to Adora's dismay, that word had started to feel hollow. It had been said too many times. Its meaning drained. It meant something the previous night, however, so Adora tried to push the feeling away._

"Okay. I see that's where you're at. Alright, Catra, I did decide that I don't want to break up." It was a good thing, but likely based off Adora's tone, Catra did not yet seem relieved. That was fair. "But I felt- I feel awful, Catra. I'm upset. I'm upset because I don't know- I don't understand how to rebuild our trust yet. I want a future where nothing like this ever happens again."

"Me too. A lot."

"So, maybe- I guess… I guess, how do I know you won't make a decision like that again? I need to know for sure." 

It wasn't meant to be a trick question. It was an honest one. An angry one. One aching for a real answer, because if neither of them had yet to come up with a good reason for Catra's mistake, a guarantee against future ones was the next best thing. 

But no question like that could be any other than a desperate trick. 

"... I guess you can't know for sure. Not really." Catra admitted. "If I said you could… I'd be lying."

_Shit._

_She was right._

_Wasn't she._

There would be no real guarantee, a fact that brought tears to Adora's eyes. "And you don't have any other reasons why you did it?"

"No… I can't think of any."

_Damn it…!_

Adora bit her lip. She supposed there she was stupid to hope there would be a better reason than love. What kind of expectation was that? There really couldn't have been a better reason than that, so why was she still so hurt? Catra was willing to do about anything and it- it still wasn't enough. 

And nothing Catra could say would be what Adora needed, would it? If she really wanted it, Adora would have to give whatever that was to herself. Discover it herself. She had to make that choice. She didn't want to break up, even decided she'd fight for it, so what was that fight really going to be? 

Was Catra enough for them both to fully get past this? 

Adora had to ask herself the uncomfortable question, yes. The hurtful question. One laced with fear that betrayed everything she'd known up until that point. 

Because was Catra, as she was, _enough?_

_Was Adora even allowed to decide that? It felt off. If only Catra had given her an out._

… And God, it didn't help that it was then another piece clicked into place. 

_Another wave of anger._

Adora didn't let herself speak until she was sure her voice would come out calmly. It took a long time. "Well- well I'm sorry, but when I really think about it, it reminds me of… Glimmer. It feels like something she would do. Maybe that's part of what's so hard for me."

Not that it helped that much, because this time, Catra stopped dead. It was so sudden it almost ripped their hands apart. She stood in utter disbelief. _"What…?"_

"You're not her, but it feels like you acted like her. She used to decide things for me too. She'd just do things even if she knew I wouldn't like it. I wouldn't get a say." Adora explained. 

"Hold up. Hold- I fucked up once, yeah. But she dictated everything-"

The more Adora thought about it, it was more of a pattern than that.

"You did it a lot at the beginning too, and most of the time I agreed with you, so it didn't matter, but this time it did. You'd decide things for me, and honestly, all that is upsetting. I don't think you mean to, but… Catra. Think about it. Maybe it was because she'd trained me to it. I don't know. You probably didn't realize-" 

Catra went pale at those words. "Stop." 

"... What?"

"I can't fucking- I-..." Her voice was strained. She was struggling, even swayed a little. "Fuck, I need to sit or I'm going to throw up. Can we please sit. Now."

"Yes. Yes, here-..."

That, Adora could easily oblige. She led them to the nearest bench on the trail. Catra practically glued herself to it, head in her hands as she breathed heavily. Someone passed by walking their dog. It gave Adora time to watch emotion run through Catra's body. She clenched her fists in her hair while trying to process. It almost seemed like she was going to tear it out, but she didn't. "I-I don't like that. I don't. I don't fucking..."

_Well._

_Fair point, Catra._

_Neither did Adora._

"I'm sorry, but that's how what you did made me feel." Another piece. "Maybe some of my anger at her is being directed at you. Maybe because it seems so similar…" 

"... You're right," she whispered. "Aren't you...? I did that. I-I do. It's so fucked up. Fuck. I feel like I'm her." She didn't look up either. Her knuckles were going pale. "You're so- so fucking right. I didn't fucking see it but you- _fuck._ Is this anything like what you meant when you said you felt so awful?"

No, not exactly. Adora scooched closer to her, hesitant to put her arm around her, but eventually did. She wasn't sure what to say or do. The similarities were there, and while not much could change that, it didn't _make_ Catra exactly like Glimmer. Even Adora could see that. 

"Listen, you're not her," she said. "You're Catra. Like, you don't really do it anymore besides this, so I didn't see it either, but this time you just-"

"I got comfortable." Catra lifted her head. It was like a lightbulb went off. 

"What?" 

"That's why it stopped until now. I-I think I do it when I'm nervous, or something." And although it was up, she clearly struggled to keep it so. She still kept her gaze low. "If I'm nervous but have things figured out and take control, I feel better."

_But that meant…?_

"You were nervous when we started all this?" 

This was news to Adora. It actually distracted her from the matter at hand. That did not match Adora's recollection at all.

"Yeah," Catra shrugged it off. Stared at her hands. "I mean I wanted you to like yourself. Your life," then, she swallowed hard. "And me..." 

Adora didn't manage to slip in a reply. 

"So. Yeah. It used to feel like I was helping you sometimes, cause like, you were so fucking confused and shit. You said yourself you agreed with a lot of it. I know we were both dumb, but you hated your job and I wanted to help. Then you stopped totally hating it and it all fell apart. I was so fucking guilty and- and I didn't want to be. I wanted to fix things, but you already knew that part. I guess I felt like I'd be right about this too… I did it again. I swear that I... I hate that I did it, and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

Oh…

Wow.

That was-

_Actual understanding._

And that was a remarkable amount of introspection. It was another angle- or maybe a more precise one, and apparently one neither of them expected. It gave new background to Catra's actions throughout their relationship. As it turned out, even a solid reason _why_ still didn't feel good enough to justify her behavior, and yet…

Adora was almost struck dumb. It was more than a little unexpected, even from this desperate version of Catra. That took a lot. 

Adora worked through the information as quickly as she could. She found that as she did so, the upset inside decreased considerably. "... I appreciate that you took the time to think about how this happened, even though it didn't end up helping." She smiled weakly. "That's a huge difference between you and her. The difference matters." 

_Indeed, she'd come to a certain realization._

"I don't ever want to be like her." Catra all but growled, unprecedented rage in her voice. "I fucking hate that I did what she did. I did it- do it so much, I can't fucking-"

_Perhaps…_

Adora gathered both of Catra's hands in her good one before they could get close to threatening Catra's scalp again. "Catra. You're really not."

_Since Catra renounced that side of herself, then managed to offer one small thing that helped, even if it was only a little…_

"You just said-"

_Maybe Adora really could…_

"I am upset about what you did." Adora interjected. "There's no way around that. Trying to be genuinely helpful doesn't change how screwed up things are. Trying to be helpful, then realizing exactly what went wrong for you, however, does matter. You see what you did. You're not her, alright?" 

"Yeah, a-alright."

She had to work up to it. 

"I still don't know how to make what you did okay. I guess maybe there isn't a way to. Maybe there's no reason good enough to justify what you did. I know I said this already, but I don't want to break up, Catra."

Catra seemed to brace herself. Like she wouldn't believe it unless it came to pass. "Yeah..."

Adora had to work up to it a little more. This was a big decision to make, and definitely not something to take lightly. If she was going to give this to herself - to Catra, then she couldn't just take it back. She had to be sure. 

"So, I think I need- I think I really _want_ to try to find a way to forgive you. I want to forgive you despite what you did and even though I don't like your reasons why. Sometimes people make stupid mistakes. Sometimes they feel too big to forgive. You already know I know about that." Adora smiled as softly as she could. "But I don't think this needs to be that." 

_"Huh?"_

"It making sense to us both is going to have to be enough." Despite the smile, she was also aware of how everything was still throbbing painful in her chest. "I don't want to lose what we have, so I'm going to work on letting it go. I don't know exactly what that means yet, and we might have more of these talks than is fun, but I know this was the start of it."

"... For real?"

She nodded. "As long as you work on respecting my boundaries. You wanted me to build them, right?"

Catra was on her feet. She pulled Adora up as well, disbelief mixed with elation coming off every inch of her. "Yeah, of course- yeah. Adora-" 

"You have to promise to be better with telling me things too. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it still means something to me and-"

_"I promise."_

"And if you get the urge to decide something-"

"I'll tell you. I'll tell you anything you fucking want. I love you." 

… Know what? Catra could give Scorpia a run for her money when it came to hugs. The embrace was less than a pound of pressure away from inducing something tragic in Adora, probably a heart attack. 

They swayed. Adora buried her face in Catra's hair, allowing herself to partake in at least some of Catra's overflowing joy. "... I love you too."

When Catra was done, they were off again. They had to be. She was too thrilled. Adora struggled to keep up, acutely aware that not everything had lifted quite like Catra had just assumed. No, it wasn't that simple. For Adora, it was mostly relief. But there was still a heaviness there. 

_Perhaps it was good Catra's skeptical side hadn't come out. She deserved that happiness. She deserved to feel wanted. She deserved everything._

The house came into view not long after they started moving. It was still hard walking in. This was something Adora could not hold on to, not like Catra.

Catra hadn't let go of her hand the whole time. She was still adjusting to her new reality. Near unconditional forgiveness free of any further punishment. Though Adora couldn't deny the hurt still in her chest, she'd made her choice. 

And it was the right one.

Maybe Catra's elation was a little more infectious than it first seemed. Her eyes were alive again. As Adora had more time to process it, she decided that alone made it worth it. 

_She did love Catra. Catra did love her. Things could work. It would take work to work, and what work that would be wasn't clear yet - but things could work._

Action came next. Action and intention. 

Action…

And intention. 

That night, Catra asked if she could help Adora with various tasks. A good first act on her part. Adora said yes not out of fear of hurting Catra, but genuinely because that kind of care felt okay. 

_That was the goal, right? Okay? But for real this time._

"Do you think my hand will feel normal again?" She stared at the cast she was now sorely sick of.

Too bad, because it was not done with her. 

"Probably, but who knows." 

"You don't sound convinced."

"I've never broken anything." Catra leaned her head against Adora's shoulder, about as relaxed as could be, all things considered. "I wouldn't know." 

That information actually helped Adora as well. Unexpected as it was, it was a good sign that it was so casually thrown out there. Also, it answered a few lingering questions from many months ago. Put them out of her mind. 

"Hey, you watching?"

"Sorry, I got a little distracted." 

"It better not be your hand." Catra teased. "'Cause I'm plenty distracting all on my own." 

Adora tried once again to focus on the show Catra was sharing with her. Her attention kept dropping back down to her hand, and then around the house. The house. The stupid house that she was _living_ in and _cuddling_ in and _pretending_ everything was fine in. Like she'd come up with some miracle fix for it. Like it didn't matter. It really was time to act about the house, too, huh?

"Yeah," Adora said, her agreement somewhat belated as she pulled her gaze from her surroundings yet again. "You are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, hello again everyone! 
> 
> It's a busy time, ain't it? I have decided to take the week of Christmas off. I hope you don't mind, but I have family matters to attend to and I'm sure you all do too. I want to give the next chapter the attention it deserves, so I'll return the Thursday after next (which will be New Year's Eve, actually). That's a promise.
> 
> Your early Christmas present can be the relief of them not breaking up, lol. Have a wonderful Christmas/Holiday/break/whatever you do!
> 
> It's only one missed week but I will miss you all immensely. 
> 
> Until next time, or the last day of this cursed year!


	19. I Know I'm no Sweet Prince of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lesson learned: I can’t take breaks. Bad idea. Bad idea. I literally just keep writing. Some of you already know this, lmao. 
> 
> Holidays going well for everyone? 
> 
> However you are, welcome back to soft shell Thursday. Special thanks to the commenter who came up with that title. I’ll keep that joke alive like it’s a baby. 
> 
> It's worth noting that chapter has one extra scene division. See the familiar progress bar on the side? Def wiggle it. It's tiny as hell because my break made this chapter unusually massive. This update has a looot of stuff in it. In fact, it's my longest ever. (If it had even 500 words more, I decided I would've needed to cut it in half. Thankfully, I didn't get to that point so you can all just have a **really** long return from break chapter)
> 
> Enjoy your read!
> 
> And uh, maybe bring a snack.

Catra was so happy. 

She was so happy, so careful, so considerate. Welcome as it was, its lengthy stay felt more than a little odd. In Adora's mind, the word chipper wasn't often associated with Catra, but the days following their not-breakup had certainly cultivated a connection. Aside from the usual teasing, Catra's tendency toward having the final say had decreased immensely. She had even been working on her phrasing. The difference between "let's do this now" and "why don't we?" became clearer. 

Despite the fact that Adora still couldn't shake the feeling that they weren't approaching the future from the same place, she knew all that was good. Happy Catra was good Catra. Progress was progress. 

_And what was Adora's progress?_

Answering where she was at was a little more complicated. 

With Catra's unnaturally positive trend firmly established, Adora expected her foremost problem would be getting used to sharing a bed again. Their one night break from fighting had mostly been comforting, and yes, Catra's happiness kept them both at least cautiously hopeful - but there was no denying that Adora remained on more of an edge than her girlfriend. 

The good news was that she'd been wrong, because her fear turned out to be no problem. Sleeping in the same bed as Catra wasn't an issue. 

The problem, you see, was sleep itself. 

One night, Adora woke up at four in the morning. Her eyes simply opened and she was awake. She wasn't entirely sure why, nor could she even begin to formulate a reason. She ended up deciding that the why behind it didn't particularly matter. All that mattered was that if she was up, so argued the panic in her chest, _then she might as well be up and at 'em._ Harmless enough the first time, sure, but that's how the pattern started. 

Every night at four on the dot, she found herself awake. Things with Catra might have stabilized, but nothing else had. There were things to do. So, so many things. Not that long ago, she predicted she'd be obsessed with ridding herself of the house. The first night _was_ a genuine attempt at doing just that, simply finding potential agents. She told herself didn't even need to get that far. All she needed to do was talk to someone - yes indeed, that was her supposed next step forward. As it turned out, however, a whole other anxiety quickly took over. 

_… And to be honest, that's when her "sort of functioning" state really started to spiral into something else._

This particular night was no different than any of the previous ones. Adora sat up in bed and started her ritualistic job hunting. On her phone, no less. It was hardly an intelligent approach. Not targeted or deliberate. It was the exact kind of job hunting you’d expect at that late hour. Worried. Confused. Adora’s eyes glazed over as she scrolled through pages upon pages, each swipe resetting the timer to the anxiety in her chest. 

_She just needed to try harder._

_She just needed to be better._

_But she wasn't. She wasn't. She just wasn't…_

She'd actually convinced Catra to go back to the old visiting schedule, by the way. Half on and half off, apart from the weekend. So, at first, Catra was none the wiser. Adora got away with it. About the third night Catra was over and about a week into the pattern, however, she finally caught on to what was going on. It was that night that her attitude finally began to shift. 

"Mmmdora…'sbright…” 

"Oh, I guess it is. I'm sorry." Adora turned her brightness down some more. 

She got another ten seconds of silence. Another ten seconds of precious time to scroll. Another three or so resets to the panic.

"What are you-" Catra yawned,"-up to…?" She had even sat up. 

"I'm uh, seeing what’s out there." 

She squinted down at Adora's phone screen. "This late…? _Or is it early…"_

"Can't sleep."

"Did you sleep at all?" 

Adora actually had to stop and think about that. "Yes. Yeah, definitely. I just… I need to do this, you know?" 

Once again, she could tell that Catra had been very deliberate in her word choice lately. It, rather than her obvious concern, was probably her reason for pause. This time, however, the hesitation felt different. "... Okay, uh. Okay. Don't you think that maybe it would be better to do this in the morning? The actual morning, I mean. When you're, mm, I don't know… awake?"

"I am awake. Besides, I can't really focus during the day." 

It was true. Adora couldn't seem to get anything related to this done then. It was a vicious cycle. 

Catra watched her go through another two pages She looked like she was holding herself back from speaking. Yeah, her strained expression was not lost on Adora.

_It probably was really annoying._

_Like, the light already woke her up._

Adora didn't want to bother her further, so she swung her legs out of bed. "I'll go out to the couch. You should sleep."

"Hey, that's not-"

"I get it if it's bothering you. It's okay."

She was already moving toward the door, not entirely clear on whether it was shame or concerns pushing her onwards. 

_"Adora…"_

Concern, she decided. That must have been it. There was no reason to subject Catra to this mess when she needed to rest. 

Adora went to the couch and returned to her task. There, she got maybe two minutes more before Catra entered the living room, bundled up in a blanket and looking very much like a disgruntled zombie. "If you're going to insist on burning your eyes out," she started as she approached. "Then at least use this." She dropped her laptop in Adora's lap. "And tu- please turn the blue light off." 

"Oh… Catra, you don't have to-"

"Can't talk you out of it, so." Catra shrugged as she laid down on the couch, wrapping up the blanket around herself. She curled up a little so that her head was just an inch or so away from Adora's thigh, then pulled the blanket up entirely over her face so the light wouldn't get to her. She said something else, but it was too muffled. 

Adora rested her casted hand about where Catra's shoulder was. She waited until she felt Catra begin to drift again, then resumed her cycle. She continued to work into the morning. 

And when the day came, it all stopped again. Ground to a halt like a barrier that Adora could not get past. It was like the sun was a spotlight was on her, exaggerating all the shameful mistakes she had made. Adora didn't consider herself one to shrivel. She was just stuck. 

_The night was easier to work with._

She distracted herself with all sorts of chores during the day, usually ones that took her out of the house. She didn't like being inside it at all. It was like she both couldn't start and couldn't stop at the same time. 

Yeah.

It was stressful. 

But what could Adora do?

Sometimes, stress was the cost of functioning.

If uh, you'd still call it that…

Adora would, alright? 

She was finally taking some stupid action in her life. 

The next time Catra came over, she brought chocolates. It was a sweet gesture after everything they'd been through, although she still looked a little extra strained. Residual guilt, maybe? Probably. She was also quieter that day. Adora tried to cheer her up, but it didn't quite work. It didn't help that she'd made herself busy that day. That night, it happened again. Just like clockwork. Four in the morning and Adora's eyes flew open. She sat up and grabbed her phone from the nightstand. 

_Time to work._

"Ah, so we're doing this again…" Catra groaned no less than thirty seconds later, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Will you at least stay in bed tonight?" 

It took several seconds for the request to register, but at least it did.

"Mm…? Oh, okay." 

After about ten minutes, Catra briefly left to get something. She said whatever it was. Adora forgot until she returned with her laptop and a massive textbook. 

"What are you doing?" Adora asked, glancing up when Catra deposited the laptop on the bed. 

"That's for you. I'm doing my readings. I have to get them done at some point." 

"This late?"

"Hm. I guess so." Catra shrugged, then turned on her phone light to illuminate the pages of the book she had in her lap.

It was very bright. Way too bright. 

Adora leaned over. "Hey, that's kind of distracting, could you-" oh. 

Well.

Alright.

At that, she returned to her task without any further complaints. It was great. It was fine. 

It was whatever. 

_She'd just try harder._

_Then things would be okay._

_They'd be better._

_Everything would come together._

By the third night, Catra left her laptop out for Adora to use from the start. She didn't bother trying to make any arguments. She just pressed up against Adora closer than ever, leaning on her shoulder and staying awake as long as physically possible. 

"You already looked at all these." 

Adora looked up from the screen. Catra appeared practically dead. "I don't think so…?"

"Nah," she yawned, another common occurrence for both of them now. "You definitely did. I've been paying attention."

"Why can't I remember them?" Adora frowned. 

"Maybe you haven't? I'm betting that looking this up this late isn't actually about finding a job."

_Huh?_

_Why else would Adora be searching so hard?_

_The mysterious way Catra pretended it sparked a twinge of annoyance that Adora promptly swallowed. Now wasn't the time..._

"What's it about, then?" 

"Fuck, this is hurting my eyes." Catra had finally given in. She laid back down on the bed with a shrug. "And uh, I don't know. Maybe… maybe you should ask Bow about this. Then you can tell me when you figure it out."

Without a clue what to make of that, Adora dutifully returned to the burn of the screen in front of her. It wasn't unexpected that it hurt, no. But that didn't change that it did. 

_And damn, did it burn._

_Morning._

_Day._

_And night._

Two or three days- or patterns, really, passed by without any major change. What ended up being unexpected was when Catra's suggestion (what was that again?) came full circle.

"Did you talk to him?" Catra questioned as she materialized behind Adora and in the bathroom mirror, quite honestly scaring the absolute bejesus out of her. 

Adora was in the middle of brushing her teeth when it happened, which didn't make things any easier. 

"Oh...!?" Speaking, or just uttering, turned out to be a very bad call. She couldn't help but to start coughing. It didn't totally stop until she spit out the toothpaste. She straightened back up and immediately flashed Catra a tired smile through the mirror. "... Uhh, no? Why?"

Catra raised an eyebrow. "About work? Your thing you keep doing?" 

Oh! That! 

Yeah, um...

"I don't know if I should put that kind of stress on him. He's got enough to worry about right now."

"Right, right… and what about me?"

"What do you mean?" Adora cocked her head before properly rinsing.

_She was confused, alright? How'd they get from Bow to Catra so fast?_

That was not the right answer. Well, okay then. Catra began wringing her hands in discomfort. "Ugh, if he hasn't- I don't even know if I can- damn it."

Adora was about to ask precisely what Catra meant by all that when Catra seized the question from her mind and tossed it right out the window. 

"... It's just," she began, sounding quite exasperated. "Can we go on a date or something?"

In fact, her whole brain temporarily left the land of the living. She was beyond mere confusion. "Sure…? You were nervous to ask if we could go out on a date?"

"Yeah, well, you should probably be awake for it." Catra crossed her arms. 

_That was..._

_Um…_

Adora blinked hard. Even doing that hurt. That was a fair point, but... "What were you thinking, exactly?" 

"I don't know. Something a little nicer than just eating waffles? I mean, I never thought I'd actually say this," she muttered, "but call it a makeup for Valentine's Day." 

And that was when Adora's body went totally rigid. There were a multitude of things that she was unprepared to hear from Catra, but that? That was not one even close to on her radar. 

_Just- sorry, what?"_

"I forgot Valentine's Day...?"

Something like that would be on her calendar. 

She wouldn't forget that!

It was so big!

Adora knew she had been a little disconnected, but _that_ disconnected? Highly unlikely. She was just getting things in order now that her relationship wasn't totally falling aoart. No, it couldn't possibly be true. 

She pulled out her phone to check and…

Oh.

_"I… I seriously forgot Valentine's Day."_ Adora answered her own question in a mortified whisper. "Oh my God, Catra." She spun around to face Catra. "I am so sorry…! I guess I'm not tracking as well as I thought? I swear I didn't mean to, but- wait, if you knew, then why didn't you tell me?"

"I _did_ get you chocolates." 

Those? Adora thought those were apology chocolates. Weren't those apology chocolates? Adora wasn't nuts, was she? If it happened to be the month of February and you recently had a fight with your significant other _and_ not long after said fight, you received a box of very nice chocolates, would you not assume that those chocolates were, in fact, actually- _oh sweet mother of God._

No, apparently they were not apology chocolates at all. They were regular, "hey, today is date day" chocolates which Adora promptly devoured. They were delicious and a nice reminder of Catra's better side. She thanked her for them. 

… Then she went to the store and agonized over what to buy for… several hours. God, Adora was an idiot. She was the one who had come up with the idea of action and intention, and look how well that has worked out. She was the biggest idiot of them all.

But- but Catra hadn't said anything! She hadn't even wished her a happy Valentine's Day! It was still Adora's fault for forgetting, but it didn't have to end up this way! 

"You could've reminded me…!"

"I didn't know if I should, alright? I know I said I'd communicate more, but I guess I- shit. Look, I didn't want to push you." Catra shrugged, still with arms crossed. Adora felt even more guilty at that, because oh man, Catra was trying. "Now it feels like I made a mistake. So I'm communicating, and I uh… I want a date. I'm cashing it in, I guess." 

There was only ever going to be one answer to a request like that. 

"Then yes, we definitely can. Sunday? Does Sunday work? I'll make this up to you." Adora hurried over and tugged Catra's hands from her little self embrace so that she could hold them. 

Catra allowed it and nodded with a small smile. "And you'll actually sleep the night before?" 

That was a little harder. She couldn't shut off the clock. "I don't wake up to work. I work because I wake up and can't get back to sleep. But I'll… try. I'll try, Catra."

"Okay, well you can still get me up then, but Christ, Adora.” Catra laughed. “I'm starting to dream that I'm actually up and watching you all night. It's not great. Can you at least not work?"

"Alright. Yes, you're right. I need to be awake, so I won't do it. I promise."

"Great Maybe we could finally fuck instead of job hunting, yeah?"

"Yeah, maybe." 

Maybe…

_Maybe._

_That gave her a funny feeling._

_Adora didn't know._

But sure, maybe. 

From then on?

The cycle still continued. 

It continued until it didn't. 

When Adora woke up early on makeup Valentine's Day morning, it stopped. Well, sort of. She was still awake. There was no helping that. She didn't go for her phone, though, choosing instead to glance over to Catra. An unease filled chest. It wasn't the cautious hope from before. Maybe some of it was guilt for dropping the ball already, but some of it was something else. Panic? It really made her want to dive into finding work.

She didn't. 

She'd made a promise, after all. 

Of course, she also decided against rousing Catra. Catra might've said Adora could, but the truth probably was that she needed her sleep more than anything else. Her eyebags rivalled Adora's. Without anything to do, Adora ended up rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling for the next several hours. As the sun rose outside, she actually drifted off a little. A little became a lot. 

And when she woke up the second time, she felt even stranger. A different kind than before. Kind of hyper. It couldn't have been more than an hour's rest, and yet something had shifted. Catra was still out. The sun was still new. 

But today! 

_Today!_

Adora was making up for forgetting Valentine's Day!

She was not going to mess this up! 

She jumped into action. She might not be able to do much about job hunting until later, but hey! If she tried her best, she could make one singular day better than usual. She could make it perfect. 

_Then everything would be back under control again._

One shower, a hair drying, a teeth brushing, and way, way too long buttoning up her shirt later, Adora finally gained some company. 

"How are you?" Catra was sitting up in bed, watching Adora hurry to pull on a blazer despite the difficulty with her hand. 

"I'm good! I'm good!" 

She raised an eyebrow. "Is this your date day panic attack?"

"Uhhh, maybe?" Adora played with the idea of letting her hair down. Mm, no. The answer was almost always no. Sometimes, yes! Almost always no.

Wait. _Yes…?_

No. Adora decided it again. 

Definitely no. 

"Uh huh." 

"I want it to be good for you- I mean us. We haven't been able to connect much since our big talk-"

"And since you started waking up in the middle of the night?"

"That too, yes. But I really want today to be good! Like, a whole day break from everything else." Adora liked the suit. It did make her look more put together. She turned around. "What do you think? How's the light grey?"

Catra's face immediately lit up. "You're insane. And hot. And I love you." 

"I love you too." Then, Adora remembered the final piece. No amount of one handed practice would make that possible. "Oh! Can you do my tie?" 

_It had been a while since she wore one of those. It made her feel a little weird, buuuut…_

"You want to wear a tie too? Talk about my lucky day. Give me a sec, I need to look it up."

_So, she was willing to help? Look at who the housewife was now!_

_… Okay, that was admittedly a very low bar._

"I can help you. Come here?"

Adora could help guide her, yes. But as it turned out, that all depended on whether or not Catra would listen. 

"Catra, it's not that bad."

"What the fuck is this?" 

"You just take that end and-" 

"You do this? You used to actually do this?"

"-wrap it-"

"I am! I am! But like, fuck." 

"Okay, yes, now-... Catra, that's backwards. Don't-"

"What?"

"... I think we have to undo it."

"Why?"

"Yeah, we do. Sorry. We need to restart because it's wrong." 

"What the hell..." 

Catra growled about how oh yeah, she'd figure it out. Everyone just had to wait and see. She'd tie a "shit ton" of ties and then no one would ever think badly of her tie tying technique. Whew. 

Adora didn't interrupt. It was the most normal Catra had behaved in a while, and thus was thoroughly appreciated.

Eventually, they somehow got it done. Half of it was definitely Adora, though. Despite her hand issue. _Thank God the cast was coming off pretty soon._

Suddenly snapped away from her hyper annoyed state and back to reality, Catra stepped back to admire her (sort of own) messy handiwork. The result produced a dashing grin from its dormancy. It was as if it had always been there. Adora suddenly felt herself become utterly, hopelessly breathless. She even blushed. She blushed because that was the same charm Catra used to carry around. She was hypnotizing to the point of sparking butterflies.

It was as if time had stopped.

"You look fantastic." Catra declared, proud as could be. "And you look happy." 

Only then did Adora realize she was smiling back at Catra. "Well, I am."

"That excited for today, huh?" 

"Maybe. Maybe it can be the start of something new. Maybe it's good luck." 

"I think you just made your own luck. Come on, I'll get ready so we can go have fun." 

God, Adora dearly hoped so. 

And this time?

… It wasn't even cautious. 

\---

And well, maybe it really was okay to have hopes like that. 

Sometimes.

Because the date...

Well, it was going _fantastic._

It had been fantastic from the start.

Adora could hardly believe it. 

Clearly, she should've focused on action and intention more. The hopefulness was good for them. So good. Adora couldn't get enough of it. Catra was so good. Adora couldn't get enough of her, either. They were laughing again. The movie was terrible. A terrible financial decision, too, but that was a worthy sacrifice for Catra's obnoxious commentary. It was a good thing they'd chosen such an early showing. There were only a few people in the theater, and everyone else must've also thought the film was awful, because they were alone before it was halfway through. 

Neither of them minded. It gave Catra plenty of opportunity to tease Adora, and much to Adora's delight, it felt natural. Normal. 

It even felt normal after it ended. After Adora strongly opposed Catra's suggestion that they movie hop, they were forced to migrate outside the theater and along the promenade, but that was okay. It was more than okay. 

_It was right._

"Come here, idiot." Catra tugged on her tie once they approached a large fountain. Just like back in the day. Catra's love of Adora's ties was genuinely a good memory. "I can still call you idiot, right?"

_It was close._

"Hmm, can I call you honey? I feel like that's a fair trade." 

_It was better._

Catra rolled her eyes. "If that's the price I must pay." 

And when they kissed, a certain feeling came back as well, because there was still something liberating about being so close to home and being together. 

After that, there was also something wonderful about being able to stop at a mediterranean restaurant and just decide to eat there for lunch. They took a window seat, no less. Everyone in the world got to see Catra choke down stuffed grape leaves just because Adora asked her to try them. 

"No more salad." Catra pushed the appetizer plate away with a shudder. "Where the hell is our actual food?" 

"You do know that dolmas aren't really salad, right?"

"The fuck is a dolma?"

"What you just ate." Adora laughed. 

"They're leaves. They're fucking leaves, Adora." 

Adora loved that. It had indeed been a long time since she felt like she wanted to take a snapshot of her life with Catra and permanently live in it. But God, wouldn't it be nice to sit in that restaurant forever? Sit and forget about everything else that needed to happen? This felt like a much different kind of break than their truce in fighting from earlier. 

She was willing to give that snapshot up when she was waiting for the waiter to take and process the bill, however, because Catra unexpectedly rose to her feet. 

"I told Scorpia I'd go over her answers to an assignment due tonight, but seeing as I might be busy for the rest of the day, I'm going to do that now." Without warning, she leaned down and pressed her lips onto Adora's already pink cheek. It was only for a fraction of a second- and before she could speak, Catra's hand boldly moved across Adora's upper thigh and slipped into her pocket. She murmured a hot, "I'll be in the car," and held up the keys. 

_Holy…_

Catra turned on her heel and pushed out the door without so much as a second glance. Adora couldn't tell if Catra was regretting her impulse. She didn't want to know. All she knew was that a strange elation oozed throughout her body. An old one. Adora realized that she was holding her palm up to her cheek. It burned where Catra's lips had touched skin.

With that burn came a realization: it really was back.

_The date had gone well and it was back!!!_

They'd connected again, and not just to fix things. 

_They'd connected even more._

Adora tolerated maybe another minute of waiting before replacing the credit card with cash and practically racing after Catra. 

Car sex wasn't happening before, so it certainly wasn't happening with the cast on as well. Scorpia got her answers, barely. They also got home, barely. 

They made it into the house. 

Barely.

There was one moment, one brief second in which Catra's eyes softened. "You're sure you want to...?" 

Yes. God, yes. 

Adora wasn't sure of anything but this. 

The answer came when Catra was playfully pushed against the living room wall, causing a smirk of devilish proportions spread across her face. Adora hadn't seen it in so, so long. It was electrifying. Magnetic. She was desperate to feel, to touch, to understand everything she'd been missing. Catra wrapped her arms around Adora's neck, pulling her in for a distracting and sloppy kiss. It took a great deal of concentration to remember to be careful with her casted hand. She wanted to feel every part of Catra, and she wanted to feel everything _now._

"You're so-" she huffed, "impossible." 

Catra broke the kiss, still looking evil as could be. "Isn't it more fun that way?" 

It was back and it was perfect and it was everything Adora needed. Everything she wanted and things would be fine. Adora would make it fine. 

She had practiced what Catra liked long enough to lose her inhibition. She'd waited long enough, too. She fumbled with Catra's jeans, clumsily unbuttoning them and tugging them down aa quickly as possible. It still took longer than preferable. _Frustrating._

Once Catra's skin was in sight, however, that sensation settled. Adora considered dropping to her knees then and there. She could make Catra scream if she wanted. She wouldn't even have to touch her between her legs, no. She could pull that underwear down and just... 

"Wow, Adora," Catra's laugh broke through Adora's trance. "I can't believe you actually got them off. Your dexterity is such shit." But then, then her expression darkened further. She cocked a teasing eyebrow. "Try harder." 

Oh, so Adora had to try harder?

It was that simple, was it? 

Just try _harder._

Catra didn't have a chance to step out of her jeans. Adora captured her in another kiss, even rougher than the first. 

_If she wanted harder…_

_"Ohfuck..."_ Catra groaned against her lips. "You can-" and pulled away from breath, "you can do better than that, princess."

_And if she wanted better._

_Adora would do that._

It was so Catra. There was no reason for it to rile Adora up this much. She could play into this, though. She knew this game like the back of her hand. 

And she only needed one. What was her injury to stop her? 

Adora slid her good hand underneath the fabric of Catra's underwear until she reached what she was looking for. Catra inhaled sharply. Impatient. So was Adora. After the most minimal amount of necessary effort outside, she slid one in. Catra took her so well. She always did. 

"So good for me." 

_What was that radiating in her chest...?_

"Fuck, A-Adora…"

Adora couldn't discern it, yet it pushed her on. She leaned in close to Catra in order to bathe in her scent and read every gorgeous reaction. She thought about getting a certain shirt off, all because she wanted every part of Catra as immediately as possible - but that would require removing her hand. No, that wouldn't do. Another finger, another addictively broken whimper, and Adora started thrusting them inside as best she could from her slightly uncomfortable angle.

_Try harder. Do better. Easy, so easy, like making Catra fall apart around her fingers. It became a searing mantra._

Close wasn't enough. It didn't sate her, so Adora started to suck on Catra's neck. It was more teeth than lips, but she knew she'd gotten the balance just right.

_"Holy fuck."_ Catra gasped. 

She clenched the back of Adora's blazer so tightly that it pinched even through all the layers. Adora took her like that, breaking only to mutter how perfect and beautiful Catra was in time with each slick pump, reveling in the whimpers Catra returned. Catra always loved hearing those words. Adora loved hearing her love them. Yet somehow, it didn't feel the same as before. It wasn't enough. It wasn't even close. She would finish this, and then Catra was going to lose all of her clothing. That was decided. 

"How'd you get even better? You're so- _ahf-fucking_ good…"

Something about that made Adora's rhythm falter.

Adora got better at it. 

Adora got so much- 

"What?" She was suddenly struggling to keep the pace she'd set mere moments ago, and not just physically. Almost every part of the process came very close to a shuddering halt. Not quite, but nearly. 

"More, fuck- please m-more." Catra said, not at all answering the question. Her face was screwed up in pleasure and she was grinding down onto Adora's hand. 

Better. 

Wasn't that what she wanted?

But _why_ was Adora so good at it right now? Already? 

Because Adora hadn't considered the reason, and frankly, was there really a good reason for…

And what even was- and a realization, was that heat inside? 

Yes, and it burned. 

Her chest burned.

Apparently, everything had stopped while Adora ran through those thoughts.

"Jesus, should I not have said anything?" Catra said with a laugh. She was watching her with amusement and just a little worry. 

_Ugh…_

"No, I-I got it. Another?" Adora whispered against Catra's skin, harsh and short. 

Catra nodded, and so Adora tried again, hurrying to fix her mistake. She could try harder. She could do better. She would do both, just as she had been. 

"Woah-" Catra startled the moment Adora did. "Never m-mind…! That's- _fucknotthat._ That's not working. Take one out." 

"Sorry," Adora mumbled her embarrassment, overwhelmingly frustrated she'd messed up yet again but still following the request without hesitation. Right. "I'll get it right. I'll do it. I promise I'll get it right."

Catra leaned forward and into Adora, holding on more closely and less painfully now. She was whispering something. 

The heat burned hotter. 

Hotter - Adora felt her wrist tense. Too slow. Too hard? Or- or not enough. Catra made a strained sound as she tried to adjust her own position. 

The rhythm wasn't coming. 

_How frustrating._

And then all the sounds ceased almost entirely. 

_How humiliating._

"Hey, Adora," Catra panted, removing one of her hands from Adora's back and pressing it to her cheek. "Adora, focus on me. What's up?"

Adora was focused. Adora was so focused. "I am."

_Did Catra not think she was focused???_

And Adora needed Catra to be making the right sounds. More than this. But she wasn't getting it right. She wasn't getting it back. It was infuriating. If her stupid hand would just cooperate, or if Adora could just-

"Do you want to take a quick break?" Catra asked only a few short seconds later. "'Cause it's okay if you want to. You're not really…"

"I'm _fine."_ Adora replied through gritted teeth, moving her thumb to massage Catra's clit. A new focus. Angle. Something. It was an option, and maybe that would be a better start. Maybe that would fix everything. It could have all her attention, and so it would. 

"Adora?" Catra unexpectedly withdrew her other hand from Adora's back. She held Adora's wrist firm to halt all movement. "Adora- stop." Adora looked at Catra in confusion, hand now totally limp. "What's going on?" 

"Huh...?" 

Catra observed her with deadly concern, her eyes dark and searching in that way that made Adora feel overanalyzed. There was no trace of arousal in them. "Why are you crying?"

_What...?_

"I-I'm not-..."

_Was she?_

Suddenly, Catra was clutching both of Adora's upper arms. "And look, you're shaking."

_She…_

"Oh…" Adora looked down at her hands. 

She was indeed shaking despite Catra's attempt to still her. It was right there. There was no denying it. At that confirmation, her gaze slowly drew back up to Catra. 

There was that concern again. Sharper, deeper than before. "Shit, Adora, why do you look so…"

_Angry._

It clicked for them both at the same time.

What had Adora done…?

The thought was an implosion to match the already undeniable heat in her chest. It tensed her muscles to the point of pain, but then came the worst of it: an immediate rush of terrifying, disgusting regret. Anger? That wasn't okay. It didn't follow at all. Where had it come from? When? _Why!?_

And then, from that regret came fear. Her worst nightmare. Because if- if anger had fueled her behavior, had she used Catra…? Was that not the only possible explanation? She'd done all that while she was upset! And she hadn't realized, instead simply plowed through it. That wasn't right. Just. Fair. Kind. It was stupid. No, it was worse.

It was reckless...

Twisted. 

_Cruel._

"I- sorry," Adora tried and failed to shake her head clear of the horror blazing through it. She pulled her wrist from Catra's grip and pressed her hand to her chest, right over what burned so deeply inside. It continued to strain every muscle in her body, fingers included. She was grasping her shirt much too tightly. It wasn't fair, but it was undoubtedly there. "Can you- can you give me a second?"

_And what if- oh God, what if she'd accidentally hurt Catra?_

_Had Adora not been listening?_

_Had she misread?_

_Had Catra even wanted that?_

_Was Catra afraid...!?_

Catra stepped forward to match Adora's move back. "Wait. Where are you going...? What's happening?" 

That was a good question. Adora's mind and chest were swimming with overload. It was guilt, mostly, but also fear. And… still, that unnerving and bubbling anger. That stupid anger settled in the background of everything and Adora wanted nothing more than to rip it from her body. "I-I'm not going…?" She struggled to put feelings to not-terrifying words. To give Catra something to go off of. "I just- I think I'm upset. I _am_ upset. I'm really, really-"

"I don't understand." 

"We shouldn't have done anything. It was a mistake." A massive one. Adora shook her head again, this time more slowly. She had to at least try to stay calm and regain some basic control. _But the fear…_

"What'd I do?" Catra asked in a whisper, voice broken with rejection that pierced Adora like a knife. "Adora, w-what'd I do this time? I didn't think I screwed up since- I thought things were okay."

Once more, Adora felt a wave of poorly timed frustration. She had told Catra that she wanted to work to forgive her, not that she had. Catra should've taken that seriously, surely. _Then again, so should have Adora…_

She put up her hand regardless. "I said give me a second, _please."_

Catra quieted. 

Adora got her second. Several, actually. She breathed heavily, focusing in on the first of two major problems and refusing speak until the burn had faded almost entirely. Perhaps it was the result of miraculous emotional control, or perhaps that was just how irrational waves of anger functioned. _Mm, and it was going to come in waves like that, huh?_ She had not anticipated its severity. Her mistake. Her idiocy. Her damage. 

She was left panting by the time it was firmly back inside. She looked up at Catra, who remained pale and uncertain. The moment Adora saw pain on her face, she found the guilt and terror hadn't budged. Not one bit of either had left. Instead, they had replaced the burn in its entirety. She could barely stand to meet Catra's eyes for fear of hurting her. 

Adora couldn't live with that fear, not at all. That was the one that stuck. That was the one that felt like a real curse. The reality was Adora hadn't known because she just didn't want to, did she? 

And now...

"I-I'm sorry, Adora. I didn't mean-"

"No, no, Catra." She forced herself to look directly upon Catra despite the sickening feeling coursing through her. She forced herself to do it because there were things Catra needed to hear, things Adora knew were still true. The first was simple. "I love you, okay? I love you."

Whether Catra could've read it off Adora's face was something neither of them found out. Catra broke eye contact. She looked just as ashamed, which made no sense. So, Adora hurried to tell her there was nothing to be ashamed for. That it wasn't her fault. That really, it was Adora's fault. She'd known there needed to be more work done between them and she hadn't pushed for it. She'd neglected it. She knew better, so this was all _Adora's_ problem.

It didn't make a difference.

"I don't want you to be mad at me again." Catra interrupted midway through another ramble. "I don't know what I'm allowed to do. I feel like I should know, but I keep fucking up. All I do is fuck up. Even this stupid… fucking date…"

There was so much there that-

Where was Adora even supposed to start? 

She blinked. "I'm not mad at you right now, Catra. We should talk about this. I-I'm calm- calm enough, I think. And this isn't you. I just said-"

"You were."

"But-"

"You were mad, Adora." 

Like that, Adora's throat closed. She didn't have words to fix that, same as Catra didn't have words to fix her own mistakes. 

They both watched each other in silence, waiting for something. When nothing, as opposed something, seemed to be all that would arrive, Catra mumbled about some project she needed to start on. She then excused herself, leaving Adora standing alone and in silence. 

Catra had been careful not to touch Adora when she passed her. 

She had been careful not to look.

She had been careful not to cry.

Catra had been so careful. 

_… Fuck._

\---

That night, Adora awoke at four. 

_Surprise._

She didn't even have to check the time to know. It was the worst wake up she'd had yet, and not just because she felt alone. Catra was asleep beside her. Asleep and peaceful. Before bed, Catra had hesitated to get close. She wouldn't touch in the ways she usually did. She wouldn't break the contact barrier at all, really. She only relaxed once she drifted off. She also slept with her back to Adora.

Adora reached for her phone, hand hovering just above it. It was a force of habit. After a few seconds of consideration, she thought better of her temptation. She pulled back and rolled over to hold Catra. Her hand wavered there too, however, just above touching. 

_Neither felt right._

Because that was when the guilt and shame took control again. Adora couldn't bring herself to do that, to feel. She wanted to feel before and she had been wrong to do so. She started to pull her hand away.

"Not tonight...?" Catra breathed. Oh, because apparently she wasn't asleep. Did she ever? 

"No," Adora whispered back. She barely even considered the idea that late night conversations such as these were something she might want to avoid. It was all because she should've known better. She should've known better about everything. "Catra… I'm sorry."

"Mm." 

And so, her hand remained uncomfortably suspended in the air. It had been hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of things and yet it still hurt, still felt she was on the other side of the mirror, like she was Catra trying to apologize not so long ago. She swallowed down some more of that guilt and shame, but all that did was pool it like coal on her stomach. She considered various forms of penance. None were good enough. Not for her. Not for Catra.

"Did I… scare you?" Adora finally asked the question that had not left her mind for the last half day. "Did you think I'd hurt you?"

"... No, don’t be ridiculous." Catra replied very, very quietly. "You'd never do that. For real, Adora, you were crying. You fuck yourself up, not me." Several seconds passed in which Adora wasn't sure if she believed Catra, but when Catra spoke next, her heart just about broke. "I guess I felt… I don't know. After we stopped, it felt like you didn't want me. Like I wasn't good enough.”

_No. No, Catra. That was what Catra took from that? Just- no._

Adora's reply was immediate. "I'm sorry. I do want you. I swear that-"

"Do you?" Catra shot back just as fast. 

"Yes. Yes, of course I do. And you _are_ good enough." 

"Then what went wrong?" 

Adora finally rested her hand on Catra's shoulder. It had begun to actually hurt keeping it up so long. If Catra truly didn't hate her and instead felt unwanted, perhaps the contact would help. 

_Catra did not flinch._

At first, though, Adora wasn't sure what to say. What went wrong…? The hours between then and now provided little clarity. They had been foggier than the sex itself. Panicked, but quiet. Separate from one another. Yet when Adora really thought about it, when she honestly dug deep into her discomfort... 

"I am trying," she eventually murmured the painful truth she had found, "so hard."

Whether Catra understood was not clear. It probably never could be, not really. It was too personal. 

But.

" … I'm sorry."

At least Adora had that, which meant everything to her.. 

And Adora was sorry too. She shrugged a little sadly. The kind people often do when they're holding back tears, but then you know, they just shrug instead. It wasn't even really directed at anyone. Catra couldn't see it, tears or a shrug. Adora let another few seconds pass, but then after some more uncomfortable thought, "you know… I don't think we can have sex like we usually do." 

"You mean like with you doing-"

_That stuff._

"Yeah. With what happened, I think it makes it more likely for me to feel-... I guess you know. Until we get through this,” she sighed, “I just don’t think it’s good for me to go there.”

Catra let many more go by. Her breathing slowed, then stopped at that. Like she was holding it in. Probably was. 

Then finally, “me too.”

How very relieving it was that she didn't fight it. 

Adora had very little to say to that. She decided that had to be okay. “Thank you.”

They'd have to figure out sex like everything else. 

Yeah. 

That just had to be okay...

“But, Adora?” Catra broke the silence once more. 

“Yeah?”

“I meant that stuff from before. We can do what you want, but you’re not really like that. Don’t go carrying around that guilt forever. Monsters punch people, not fridges.”

That… darling sentiment didn't quite erase the guilt, but it did do something even more important (besides bring Adora to tears): it granted Adora permission to begin the process herself. Maybe Catra was right about Adora being more self destructive than anything else, Would a monster be guilty? Whatever else was true, there was a course of action. An agreed upon route. She'd never put Catra in that situation again, even bet her life on it if she needed to. She would be better. She knew what that actually meant now. Whoever she'd just acted like was never coming back. 

“Alright. Thank you, Catra. Again. I believe you."

Yes, Adora decided to trust Catra’s logic in that moment. While that act took a large weight off her chest, it also promptly dropped yet another one down. It still opened up a new insecurity. She pressed her forehead against Catra's back. She wanted Catra to turn around. She didn't want to be on the other side of this. She wanted Catra to trust her back. She could just ask… Catra cared, so she'd turn around, right…? Adora knew Catra cared. She'd been so worried lately and-

_Oh..._

_Adora understood something else._

_Alright._

_Maybe that was something she could help._

_Something small, but something._

She still needed to take several breaths not start completely crying. "Catra… I… I want to say something, I think. Do you trust me?"

Slowly, Catra nodded. Adora blinked back some tears of relief. 

“Then I want you to know something about you too, because if I’m not my fears, then neither are you. You don't mess everything up. In fact, you were right. I got so disconnected. I think that's how this really happened, so I'm going to get it together. I'll stop this stupid late night thing and come up with a real strategy tomorrow. I'll… I'll even call Bow, just like you said. Thank you for caring, and I'm sorry for shutting you out." Adora closed her eyes for a moment. "I think I was scared, too. I thought it was you, but it was really me."

It took a minute for Catra to process that little speech.

And when she did?

“... Mm. Yeah, thanks....”

It wasn’t entirely clear whether it was good, bad, or a mix of both. Whether or not Catra had accepted it was even less discernible. She was certainly filled with emotion, however. It was just… bottled up? Bottled up seemed right.

_If it wasn't so sad that they struggled so much to help themselves instead of each other, it might've been funny._

Still, the situation didn't help. And what a cursed situation they were in. Even the bed felt suffocating. Adora added _finally actually-for-real_ calling a realtor to the list of things to do in the morning, because the sooner they found their way out of this physical reminder of struggle, the better. It was like they couldn’t ever relax. The best Adora felt lately was when was out of the house, and if their date was anything to go by, she was starting to suspect Catra felt the same. If only they...

No, it was a stupid idea.

It was.

But then again, it also sparked wonder.

What was one more stupid idea, really?

Adora cleared her throat. Her mind as well, honestly. She tried to be more confident. She needed to do this right. “Catra?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think… maybe you'd want to go lay outside?”

"... Uh, why?"

"You're awake… I'm awake. So, I was thinking maybe…" She traced down Catra's shoulder and arm. Clothed, by the way. Not unheard of, but like everything else after they'd returned home, not a good sign. "Well, maybe we could finish off the date with some stargazing." 

_... Also, maybe the change would finally break the pattern._

"That's still going on?" Catra asked, sounding more than a little confused that the conversation had turned so suddenly. 

"Hm, don’t you want it to be? It would get us out of the house."

Catra went quiet, then finally, _finally_ turned around to face Adora. "It's the middle of the night. It's still going to be freezing out, you know." 

_Going to be._

“Probably." Adora allowed herself the tiniest of smiles, one which Catra hesitantly returned. She was definitely still surprised. "Give me two minutes and I'll grab extra blankets."

Catra did not object. 

Adora slid out of bed to retrieve said blankets.

Catra watched in mild but silent amusement as Adora methodically laid down the layer after layer once they got outside (which was a breath of fresh air for Adora, even in the cold). 

It was like, a lot of blankets. They weren't trying to freeze to death. It served also as an invitation for Catra to huddle up next to her. It ended up Catra didn't take it all the way, so Adora made the decision to close the gap. Between their combined body heat and the insulating fluff of the blankets, Adora actually felt just warm enough. At the very least, she didn't think her shiver came from the cold. It became clear pretty quickly that there was too much light pollution to properly see any stars. The sky was mostly black, save for the lights of a plane far above. 

"Well,” she sighed, "there goes my romantic idea. Want to go back inside?"

"You dragged me out here to pussy out? No way." Catra stared up into the void. _Good,_ Adora thought it might help, even if Catra wouldn't admit it. The cool air was kind of nice, at least. Same as the openness. "Besides, they're still there. Since you got me to agree to this, I feel like you should at least tell me shit while I suffer."

"What do you mean?"

"You know lots of things." Catra explained flatly. "Tell me about stars or space. Wait, tell me shit I don't already know about all that." 

"Hah. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I really don't."

"Please?"

_Please._

Well… 

Maybe that would help Catra relax some more. Maybe it would help her release some of the pressure she'd put on herself, just like Catra had gotten her to do. Adora shuffled so that she could put her arm around Catra, mumbling rather unconvincingly about still being cold. Catra took this second invitation without question. 

"Okay, so," Adora began, sticking a finger out from underneath the blankets to point into the darkness. "Assuming we could actually see the stars, then it would be easier to start telling you about how the Etherians saw space. I'll try though," she smiled, "for you. Lots of cultures have had theories about aliens and like, stuff. You know that. Scorpia even mentioned that mistranslation about space ships, but what's actually written is that the Etherian religious leaders believed there were other societies somewhere out there." 

"Not to bring up a sore subject, but all this was in the book." 

At least Catra hadn't encouraged to her to try harder again, but still. 

Adora rolled her eyes. "You asked me to tell you stuff. It's this or something almost exactly like. Also, that was a tiny section."

Catra nuzzled her face into the crook of Adora's neck. _Much better._ "And I read. Go on."

"Well, what's not in the book is that they didn't see those other worlds as alien in the traditional sense." If that wasn't already obvious. It was, wasn't it? "It's kind of hard to explain because aliens weren't _aliens_ like they are now, so maybe that's the wrong word. But in a time when the other was generally villainized as like, invaders, they believed they'd been separated from some great universal culture that was elsewhere in the universe. To them, there was religious significance in trying to re-establish their place in the natural order of things."

It was kind of poetic. Adora still didn't like poems very much, but she liked this. 

"By killing a bunch of people on Earth with their mythical super weapon?"

_Well, okay then. Maybe she liked it less than she thought._

"Uh. I guess, yeah." Adora shrugged. "But mostly not. We covered- I mean you already know that they were pretty peaceful compared to other societies, though, so I still think their theory that they shouldn't have been alone in the universe counts as pretty cool. What do you think?"

"About what you just said? Sounds dumb, honestly." 

"Oh my God. Did I not just say you asked?" 

"I didn't say I didn't enjoy it."

"What even-"

"Just go with it, idiot." Catra poked her under the blanket.

Adora held in a giggle. "Okay, you win, try again?"

"Hm?"

"Ask me something you actually want to know."

There was a notable silence in which they both gazed into the infinite expanse of space. To be honest, Catra hesitated much, much too long. It was a relief when she spoke, the warmth of her breath equally reassuring. "... Are we really going to be okay?" 

Adora felt around until she found Catra's hand, then took it. "Yes. Somehow. I think we both can do better this time, if you want us to."

When Catra spoke again, she did not sound like she wanted to jump for joy, not like she had after their first talk.

_“I believe you.”_

But that was better.

It was better because it seemed they both understood. 

Finally.

It was even possible that Adora would stop being such an idiot. She smiled to herself, allowing high emotion to end there in favor of lighter content. The bottle was open. She let Catra talk after that, and Catra did talk. Started going on about all the other things in life she thought were dumb. It didn't even really matter, but maybe it did. It was relaxed. They talked until the sun appeared over the horizon. Yes, they even talked until it started to become warm again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, is it even a chapter from me if you're not emotionally strung out by the end of it? Also, the only thing more finicky than writing good sex is writing highly emotional and deteriorating sex on purpose. Talk about time consuming. My eyes are bleeding. 
> 
> Happy (almost) New Year! Let's kick 2020 to the curb, get that vaccine and become… flappers? I guess?


	20. Locus of Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****  
>  _*CONTINUES MY SCATHING REVIEW OF THE U.S. HEALTHCARE SYSTEM*_   
> 
> 
> Also yay Georgia!
> 
> Also DC oh no chaos…?
> 
> Also hello!!!

_  
To Do: _

_1. ~~Check in with Bow.~~  
2\. ~~Choose a realtor.~~  
3\. ~~Apply to jobs during day (2 hr max at time).~~  
4\. Remove cast.  
5\. Office (after cast and pick weekend)._

Adora popped the top of the pen off with her teeth and hastily crossed out the fourth item down. It wasn’t technically true, not yet. The appointment was in ten minutes, but crossing things off had made her feel competent. Feeling competent was good. Being competent was actually better.

“You excited to finish it off today?” 

“Yeah.” Adora smiled.

She handed the pen back to Catra before folding the note up and slipping it into her pocket. 

Unsurprisingly, the first thing Adora did after their night not-stargazing was come up with that list. It was the first step to getting her life together. Initially, she’d actually made a chart of everything she'd either been avoiding or handling poorly, added relevant details, then wrote down her next steps. Catra cautiously hovered over her shoulder as she did. Once Adora was done, it looked much too complex for everyday use.

Hence this much shorter, much more helpful version. 

Yes, Catra had been right to suggest Adora talk to Bow, although not just for the reason they suspected. Catra had been right because _Bow_ needed Adora to talk to Bow as well. He was simply stressed, having accidentally overworked himself as a distraction - not something he was used. He said they needed to get together soon, and that he'd let her know. Adora had him promise not to make that mistake again. 

And yes, Adora had been right to find a realtor. She addressed that one right after Bow and still while in her sleep deprived state. It produced anxiety, but it was still technically very easy. Contacting a suitable one took an embarrassingly low amount of time. She even had the house set up for an appraisal. She could've done it forever ago. _Way to go, Adora._ It certainly wasn’t the first time she’d overthought a problem. At least her efforts were eventually successful. Still, she noted that this too was another example of how overthinking slowed her down.

Perhaps the most yes of them all was that Adora needed to find work to fill in the cracks while she looked for something better. That part of the list had been the least pleasant by far, especially because it was so easy to slip past her time limit when she got too focused. She knew she'd have another cushion once she sold the house, but that cushion wasn't there yet. For now, she'd have to live with something very different. Actually applying took several more days to get together. Eventually, however, she pushed through the first of what would become many job applications (sadly, retail was a realistic possibility). It was hardly a special moment in any way except for the bitter aftertaste sending out application after application left her. She'd gone in feeling hopeful, because it wasn't like she judged anyone working in the service industry, yet the truth simply was that she felt like she was back at square one. That insecurity yielded another very real and scary moment of anger, but she caught it in time to breathe through the worst of it. Adora then closed Catra's laptop, ready to go for a very brisk walk to burn the rest off and-

Opened it again. To order herself a refurb laptop of her own. A very cheap one. That act hadn’t been on the shorter list, but it should’ve been. Applying to work at a convenience store could technically be done from her phone, not so much the case with future applications. Besides, Catra's laptop wouldn't be around forever. 

_Then_ came the walk. Going on regular walks was another something she'd been cultivating, especially with all the early morning wake ups. It had still taken a little bit for the cycle to fully break. The first night yielded the stunning achievement of five in the morning, and each increment from there on seemed to get smaller and smaller. Making it all the way to eight for the first time was amazing. 

Actually, doing any of it was.

All of that together built a rather potent sense of competency, ups and downs concluded. Adora wasn't sure whether or not to believe it, but hopefully today would only add to its completion. That made her happy.

And Catra?

It had also taken _many_ little bits for Catra to once again return to a sort of new normal. At the very least, she seemed to have fully subscribed to their mutual decision that things would be okay - for real this time. She'd also maintained her more thoughtful approach, but things still felt somewhat odd sometimes, like that very morning when Adora woke up to Catra standing over her like a serial killer… or maybe still a Russian spy.

_"Um, Catra? What are you doing?"_

_The last thing Adora expected to see when she opened her eyes was Catra right there... like that, you know?_

_Okay, maybe that was an exaggerated response._

_Still, in lieu of an immediate explanation, they both broke into nervous laughter. There was tension there. The laughter petered out. Catra had her hands firmly in her pockets. Pockets, right... She was dressed already._

_Catra finally broke into an awkward grin. "I was getting you up, dummy. But uh, you kind of beat me to it. Guess I got distracted by how you're actually sleeping."_

_It wasn’t like Catra would ever admit it, but that was totally code for “I thought you looked cute.”_

_And in that case?_

_D'aw..._

_"What time is it?" Adora tilted her head._

_"Nine."_

_"I made it to nine?"_

_"You sure did, and you’ve got to get ready to go.”_

_Oh! Catra! Dressed already!_

_Adora had to hurry._

_And she did._

_But before she left, she returned to her long since removed but never forgotten necklace. It had remained almost untouched throughout their tumultuous rough patch - even through Catra's kinder periods. Previously convinced things were largely fine, Adora hadn't understood why it had been hard to simply start wearing it again, but now she did. She finally felt why it had taken so long to face the silver chain again. She felt what had lifted. She felt that presence fade._

_It took an extra minute to put it on._

_Another minute for it to settle back into a long lost familiarity._

_If Catra noticed the change, she didn't say anything._

_And if she expressed relief over it, Adora didn't see._

They looked at each other another few seconds, still with that briefest moment’s hesitation before holding hands. Catra returned Adora’s smile as they started toward the clinic. Today was going to be the biggest day yet - Adora was going to finish off her first list.

_She’d probably end up writing another, but if it worked, it worked._

Waiting for an actual appointment was not as tortuous as waiting at the ER. Almost, but not quite. Catra had insisted on coming. Interestingly enough, she'd been around a lot despite the occasional issue with Adora's mood. Adora would work on whatever her mini-list for the day was and Catra would sit somewhere else in the room to work on her own tasks. It was quiet. It was reassuring. It was happening more than usual and was very, very sweet. 

When Adora lightly questioned why Catra wanted to come to some boring doctor's appointment, she informed it was only to see “how fucked up” Adora’s hand got. That was less than sweet, but at least it was a joke.

Yes. Definitely a joke.

Something safe to tease Adora with all throughout waiting and until they got called back for the actual removal. 

Mhm. It was a joke until the cast finally came off.

Because when the cast came off, Adora instantly decided it wasn’t so funny.

Not funny at all, actually. 

She flexed her fingers the moment the nurse responsible for helping her momentarily excused himself to check on someone else. She'd been quiet up until then.

"Catra…"

"Yeah?"

"It's not normal." 

Adora looked at Catra, finding that her face was all but blank. Catra slowly stood up from her chair and walked over to get a closer look.

_And it didn’t look good. It was ridiculously dry and flaky. Also, it didn't smell that great either._

But she touched Adora's hand anyway, light as could be. She ran her fingers over the length of Adora's hand, then flipped it over to see her palm. 

"I don't think it's supposed to feel normal yet. Make a fist?"

Adora clenched her hand into a full fist just as Catra instructed. It was hard to explain. It wasn't exactly painful, but, "I know, still though… Is it supposed to feel so stiff?"

"Yeah, that's what they said. It's atrophied. That's probably what's freaking you out. It looks how it's supposed to." 

Yes, _yes._ Adora remembered that too. She'd told herself it wouldn't be like that. How very silly of her to expect yet another thing to feel better immediately. 

"I didn't think it would be this bad."

"It'll get better. You just got the cast off a few minutes ago." 

"I hope." 

Because if it didn't...

Well, Adora had many more minutes of waiting to work on controlling her concern. Catra helped part of it. She was trying to help entirely. She kept making conversation in an obvious effort to keep Adora’s eyes from wandering back down to her hand. She even got damn close to resorting to cat videos. 

While an x-ray had determined that Adora's major worries were wrong, the next time the nurse came back into their room, he came with an entirely unhelpful doctor. Things became real simple real fast. In short, they were simply unaffordable. 

"At any rate, we really should still send you to a specialist at least once. They'll make sure everything's shaping up alright. We've only covered the minimum."

Blessed be the world (or not), Adora was out of luck on the insurance front now. Logically, she knew she was not the first person to be in her situation, but it still took a great deal of courage to push through her embarrassment and clarify the situation.

_Thank God she'd been covered earlier, at least?_

Once everyone was on the same page that seeing a specialist was out of the cards, the doctor moved onto the next thing. It was like he hadn't even noticed her discomfort - which Adora couldn't decide whether or not she found comforting. 

"Well, at the very least, we’re going to give you a sling. You should try not to wear it as much as possible, but this is just in case your hand gets tired, which it probably will for some time. You're going to need to do a variety of exercises every day to build your strength back up."

This was supposed to be another semi-easy thing to cross off. Everyone else did the work and she just sat there. If they hadn’t mentioned seeing a specialist, Adora might not have even asked what the sling would cost. But they did. So she did. 

And she was not excited for the answer. 

“Without insurance, about one fifty."

Jesus.

_That much for something she wasn't even supposed to wear?_

Adora opened her mouth to speak- 

“Oh _fuck_ that.” Catra growled from the corner she'd retreated to. "That's fucking ridiculous."

“Catra-”

“I’m serious, Adora. Don’t do it. I mean-" and she quickly realized her mistake, _"please_ don’t. Any stupid pharmacy has slings for like, fifteen bucks. This shit is a scam.”

There was a very long, very uncomfortable silence. 

The doctor raised an eyebrow. It was honestly difficult to tell whether he was pissed off or thoroughly amused. All Adora knew was that he was making incredibly intense eye contact with Catra. They were having a moment that Adora was not at all privy to. 

“... Well then…"

He cleared his throat.

"... Maybe…"

Still impossible to read.

"Maybe you should go to a pharmacy.”

Catra nodded her agreement. It was stiff.

She looked satisfied. 

_Good…???_

In the end, they sent Adora off without a sling, but also with a stern suggestion that she still try to see a specialist. She decided she'd go if she felt something kept being off. Otherwise, she'd just wing her hand's future health. The cost of having the cast removed had been hard enough to stomach. 

Oh, and they also told her to take it easy on her skin for a few days. You know, after she painstakingly washed and scraped off all the excess in the bathroom. Catra had predicted that. Adora wasn't so sure. Catra had been right. 

It took until they were in the bandage aisle in a pharmacy just off campus for Catra to speak again. 

“Uh… I’m sorry if I got too worked up.”

“You did surprise me.” Adora picked out a relievingly cheap sling. Who cared if it was cheap? She wasn't supposed to even wear it. Like, jeez. “But I think it’s okay.”

_Oh, and she meant that._

“You sure?”

_Because yes, she was absolutely sure._

“You gave me information, Catra. You’re okay.”

_Seriously, Catra hadn't made her do anything and she'd also saved her a chunk of money._

“Good.” Catra sounded relieved. "Good…"

"I think I should probably get some lotion for my hand." Adora checked the sign in the aisle next door. "It’s probably better if I’m more than just careful with it." 

They both started toward where creams were supposed to be.

"Uh, about that. That's another thing."

"Hm?"

"Are you sure you still want to do it today? I’m not sure that’s careful. It's a lot of lifting."

"Of course.” Adora smiled. “I'll just carry light things with it. Sound good?"

Catra looked at her with a hint of disbelief, but let it go with a shake of her head. "Alright. But God, you're an idiot." 

"I love you too, honey."

\---

Although. 

Adora definitely was an idiot. 

Originally, she'd planned that the second part of their shared Saturday morning would constitute finally facing the office. She had decided to wait until she had use of both of her hands, at least for the basics. That made perfect sense to Adora. 

Catra, on the other hand, had never been entirely supportive of the idea of possibly stressing Adora's hand out more. She was even less so after the doctor's warning, yet here they were at Adora's request. They were also here under the strict promise that Adora would not overexert her freshly uncovered hand. 

_She just wanted it over with. Alright? Over with._

_Besides!_

_She was on a roll!_

_She might as well keep chipping at the mountain._

It was a fair compromise. 

She hadn't heeded Catra's own warning about how the news was spreading, so it wasn't a surprise that when they arrived for take two, the disapproving glares of those who just couldn't bear to take a break on weekends hurried them inside. Talk about overly involved. Adora knew their type well. Adora had been disappointed to find everything in its place, but reasoned that it would probably cost administration more to empty than it did to wait for her to get it together and face reality.

Well, she was facing it. 

And reality was tedious. Adora even left briefly to splash some water on her face, then returned with purpose. One more morning was all that was left. That's what she told herself. Only one. She could handle that. It was taking longer than expected. Even with her "taking it easy" factored in, her hand was giving her trouble. So yes, it was technically all fine. It worked _fine,_ felt _fine,_ but none of it was great. 

It quickly became clear that despite being able to use her hand, it wasn't going to help with the actual problem: the desk. Adora severely regretted ever rewarding herself with that desk. If she'd kept the one the university provided, they would've been out and gone over an hour ago. Both of them realized they were not getting out of there anytime soon, so Catra offered to grab lunch and some extra muscle. Adora hesitated, but until her hand was functioning normally again, she knew it wouldn't be easy. 

That's how Scorpia ended up there. 

Scorpia didn't come without company either. 

Catra shot Adora a mildly apologetic look before officially introducing her to Scorpia's girlfriend, Perfuma. They came in a pair, so it seemed. Adora already knew Perfuma had given Catra advice a while ago, but Catra had said she didn’t know the full story. _But again, the full story was out by now._ Oh well. Anyways, Scorpia and Catra must have really talked her up, because after the initial awkwardness (and Adora being unsure if she was trying too hard come across as normal), Perfuma’s cheery smile took over. Adora wasn't too sure what to make of the situation, so she swiftly returned to trying to take apart the desk. She was keeping her promise to Catra, at least. No heavy lifting with her apparently still bad hand. 

While Catra and Perfuma had started a small conversation, Scorpia was polite enough to start helping without any real prompting.

"So uh," Scorpia began a little awkwardly. "What are you going to do with it?"

"Honestly, probably take it straight to a landfill. Here, can you-" Adora detached a large portion of the desk from the rest of it. Scorpia quickly moved to hold up the body. She was strong, Adora gave her that. "Thanks. Anyways, probably the landfill. I don't want to set it up again and I'm not going to have room for it. I have plenty of other stuff I have to think about." 

"You sure you don't just want to sell it?" Catra asked from behind them.

Well-

That was a thought.

Adora knew she needed to be smart about money.

And she wasn't… opposed.

She'd kind of wanted to erase this side of things as quickly as possible. 

But Catra had a point. 

She decided to clear her throat. "Remind me why you're not helping?"

"I'm eating lunch. Give me like two seconds, _honey."_ Catra returned to her conversation with Perfuma. It was admittedly strange seeing Catra talk to possibly the hippiest woman on campus. 

Kind of oil and water, you know? 

Adora listened to their conversation in vague amusement. It was clear what was happening. 

"Wait, aren't you vegetarian or something like that?"

"Oh, no. No no no. I'm vegan."

And wow, Adora could feel that one. That was almost worse than her embarrassment at the appointment.

"Fuck. Adora?" 

"Mm?" 

"You good with eating two sandwiches?" Catra asked in a very strained tone. 

"I haven't even eaten the first. I'll let you know."

Thankfully for everyone, the problem wasn't to go unsolved. 

"Oh! I can!"

"All yours, Scorps." Catra immediately tossed it over. 

Adora rolled her eyes and continued unscrewing another section of the desk. 

It only took thirty seconds for Perfuma to come over and start helping too. The real kicker was how she dragged Catra over by the hand. Catra grumbled, but did not pull away. Adora had to pick her jaw up off the floor. 

Four people, seven hands, and ten minutes later, the desk was deconstructed. Scorpia was gracious enough to offer to take the heaviest items, mostly the desk parts, out to the car. 

"We'll follow you out, just give us a moment. Beep the car if you need to. And… thank you both." 

Adora handed her the keys. Scorpia left, Perfuma following her out with another box. 

"Cat-ra. Tell me the truth. Did I see you holding hands with another woman?" Adora turned around and teased with mock horror the moment they were out of sight. 

"I didn't ever agree to that." Catra crossed her arms. 

"I mean… you didn't not agree."

"Ugh. She tried to use crystals on me. I said no to that. Scorpia got all sad." 

"You know, I think you've got a liiittle crush on her."

"I have to be nice to her. I mean, she- she is nice, but I don't have a crush." 

"It's okay. She is your type. I would know." 

"Adora-"

"And she's very sweet. Scorpia found a great woman."

"You're such a dick."

"But I don't know how she'd feel if she knew-"

"Shut up." Catra shoved a box into her arms. 

Adora bit her lip to stifle a laugh. She accepted the box as punishment, making sure that she had a good enough hold on it. Catra got one of her own and they started out to the parking lot. 

It was silent for a little bit as Adora reflected on Catra's previous suggestion. 

"... You really think I should take the time to sell it?"

"Well, yeah." Catra shrugged. "I actually think you should try to sell as much as you can." 

Adora knew she was right. 

She stopped them for a second and put her box down. She found a pen in it and pulled out her list. 

_ To Do: _

_1. ~~Check in with Bow.~~  
2\. ~~Choose a realtor.~~  
3\. ~~Apply to jobs during day (2 hr max at time).~~  
4\. ~~Remove cast.~~  
5\. Office (after cast and pick weekend)._

Then crossed out number five.

Oh, wow.

She had to take a second to process that.

She’d really done it.

And holy crap, that was actually… really freaking cool.

She stared another few seconds before flipping the paper over. 

_ To Do Part 2: _

_1\. Sort out what to keep and what to sell._  
_2\. Actually sell those things._  
_3\. Find apartment._

It helped to write those down too. Felt like a commitment, however small. 

She picked up her box again. She tried to imagine what she'd be willing to part with. She tried to imagine sorting through each room in the house. Hell, she tried to imagine just packing things. It was admittedly harder than she liked. 

"Would you help me?" Adora asked as they started moving once more. It was somewhat out of the blue.

Catra shot her an almost dubious glance. "Like, choosing shit?" 

"Yeah. I think it's a little overwhelming for me… I haven't thought about it like I should have been."

While Adora finally felt competent, she still felt slightly unsure about this. Selling things made sense. She should've thought of it before. But again, she'd built her momentum by getting things done quickly. Finding things… sorting them… listing them… alongside everything else? That was new. 

Catra paused for a few seconds. "How decisive do you want me to be about it?"

That was a harder question to answer. She had a headache from all her thinking and doing. She still didn't want to risk putting herself in a situation where she'd pull up any unwanted feelings, but also recognized the only way past was through.

Also. She had no idea where to start for this one. 

"Pretty decisive, I think."

"Okay," Catra began, "then I'd get rid of the bookshelf in the living room. And the dining table." 

"Both of them?"

"I'm not the one attached. You tell me if you really can't let go of something and I'll help from there. For now though, gone. Any money is good money."

"Fair point." 

They mentally moved around the house like that as they continued walking their boxes to the car, determining the fate of almost all of Adora's worldly possessions. Some things were easy. Adora had good reason to keep her bed frame and mattress, even her dresser. 

She attached mental sticky notes (which would definitely be real ones when she returned home) to each object they discussed. 

_It was nice, really._

She found she didn't mind Catra telling her what to keep, sell, and toss. Just being okay with it seemed to be good notes to have, so Adora made yet another special place for them in her mind until she could physically write them down.

"You seem like you've done this before." Adora observed as the lot came into sight. 

Catra shrugged again. "I guess so. I didn't have that much before I left for college, but I still had more than I brought. I knew she'd probably go through whatever I couldn't take and throw most of it out. I ended up picking and choosing like this. It turns out less matters than you think."

_Ouch._

... Adora didn't know whether or not to say she was sorry. "Well, you definitely know what you're doing."

"Well enough. Hey, I can sell some of this stuff for you between now and when you sell the house. Like, I'll do the listing."

"You'd do that?" Adora almost dropped her box. Whether it was a consequence of her embarrassingly weak hand or her surprise was unclear, but it didn't matter. 

Catra caught it before it fell. "Duh. You've got enough going on. You just have to be here to take the cash." 

Her caring like that - ugh. Reminders like that did make Adora happy. 

"Thank you." 

They quieted once they made it to the car. Scorpia had just finished putting the first pieces of the desk in and was ready to head back for the next batch. Adora thanked both of her (possibly forcibly) enlisted help once more. 

It didn’t take long after that.

Scorpia got the desk out in three trips.

Soon enough, everything else was in the car too. It was over, and for once, it felt like a relief and not a disaster. Adora went back just with Catra for a final look-through.

They found themselves alone again in a bare room filled with memories.

This time, Adora felt a small tug inside to say goodbye. She wasn’t sure precisely to what, but the feeling was as real as the actual tug on her sleeve. Catra pulled her attention from the emptiness. 

“Do you think maybe you want to…?”

“Oh, we’re not doing it in here.” Adora teased in a whisper. It was a little dark, but maybe a little dark also made it a little light. “I think we learned our lesson.”

All she knew was that it wasn’t as heavy on her as she thought it might be.

“Wow. That’s not what I meant.” Catra rolled her eyes, then brought a very deliberate hand up to the side of Adora’s face. She twirled a few wisps of her that had been dislodged during the packing process. “I was thinking more…”

_Oh!_

_Forgive Adora for forgetting that occasionally, even Catra liked romance._

_Yes._

_They could do that._

Adora smiled, decidedly holding Catra’s hand to her cheek before kissing her. It broke through the last thread of restraint. In all honesty, it was not the best kiss they had shared, but nor was it the worst kiss. It wasn’t cut off by laughter or tears. It would simply be the last in that room. More than a fitting end.

Adora locked the room as they left.

She dropped off the keys.

She ignored everyone who stared at them from close or from afar.

They went back to the now stuffed car in a nice state of calm. 

And then Adora drove home.

She was more than a little lost in her head, however, because it took until they were unpacking all but the desk (that would obviously come later) for her to realize just how quiet Catra had been since they’d kissed. Adora cast Catra a curious glance. Catra seemed okay, but her shoulders were a little tense. It wasn’t all just carrying boxes.

Adora knew her too well.

Perhaps it was a good idea to probe a little.

_Wouldn’t you?_

“So, you were really helpful today. I appreciate that.”

“Yeah…” Catra chuckled a semi-uncomfortably. “Might be a little guilt, if I’m being honest.”

Adora stopped what she was doing to give Catra her full attention. to look at Catra, who now looked rather uncomfortable. She felt her contentment drop and curiosity rise as she watched Catra start wringing her hands. 

"Guilt?"

Was it really such a great idea to be holding on to that? Or...

"Yeah, uh. I guess I kind of have to tell you something. It's not bad," she hastily added. "But I don't think it's going to feel good.”

_Well, that was an encouraging introduction._

"I can take it." Adora said it, meant it, even believed it - but man... was she already braced. 

"I need to leave for a bit." Catra dearly looked as though she wanted to ask Adora if she was sure she didn't want her to stay. She didn't, though. That was probably best. "I didn't want to mention this while things were worse off, but I have to go to Columbia." 

_But..._

_That wasn't news, was it?_

"I know." Adora smiled reassuringly despite her confusion. "We talked about this, remember?"

"No, like. Soon." 

Wait, so Adora had missed something else?

"What do you mean...?"

_Again???_

"I need to pick my lab before I go next year. So I need to fly up and visit them." Catra explained, looking more and more nervous by the second. "I won't be here for a while. I’ll be back soon, I swear. I just needed to tell you." 

Oh.

So Catra really was leaving. 

Catra really was still shifting back and forth.

"I.. I guess I didn't realize that was a thing. I'm sorry, um…"

Waiting for Adora's approval.

"I actually should've been working on this earlier, but I guess I didn't want to mention it. Not until…"

_Until everything seemed stable._

Adora pushed her box unnecessarily deep into the closet they'd been stuffing. Something to do with her hands. She considered her feelings, trying to pinpoint exactly why she felt the way she did. Maybe it was just the surprise. Maybe…

Her hand now free, she almost absently put it in her pocket to feel the familiar texture of her list.

Yeah.

She'd work through it, she decided. 

She said she supported Catra and she did.

Besides, things _were_ under control. 

Things _were_ stable. 

"Catra, I understand that that's what you need to do. Is there anything I can help with before you go?" 

Yes indeed, things were under control. 

"Tell me you're going to be okay while I'm gone?"

Adora even felt a little swell of pride in her chest. 

"I will. I'm alright," she nodded, her hand twitching with minor indecision on whether to stray to her necklace or stay with the list. Slowly, it moved up to play with the pendant. "I know what I need to do. We'll be fine. We'll call every day-"

"I might not have time for that." Catra cut in. 

"Okay. We'll call when you can and you can tell me all about it." 

"You're sure you're good to talk about it?"

Was Adora? Honestly, Adora still wasn't sure. If not, it wasn't quite for the reason from before. It was more about the fact Catra was about to go through what Adora had. That wasn't fair to Catra, though.

And Catra had worked hard. So very hard.

"Yes," Adora decided on that answer. Because it wasn't an actual lie. _She was happy._ Because it would make Catra happy. _Catra needed a break._ Because it would soothe their relationship. Probably even heal. "You can spam me with whatever you like whenever you have time."

And Adora would be okay. 

Catra looked more than a little skeptical at that answer. 

"I'll be _alright._ I'll just make a schedule… thing. I already have one, but I'll make a really strict one for the time you're gone. Who knows, maybe you'll come back and I'll be a different person." 

“It’ll be a little over a week and a half, so-"

"Catra." 

"Yeah?"

_"I've got it."_ Adora said, emphasizing every word. "I mean that, okay?" 

Finally, Catra's tension broke. She exhaled a breath of relief and let her shoulders relax. There was even a smile. "Okay," she nodded. "You've got it. And I guess we have some time to get ready if there's anything else I think of." 

"That's right. I mean, come on." Adora laughed. "What's the worst that could happen while you're away?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice easy chapter for you all. Mwah! 
> 
> @BeMyDeputy thanks for everything lmao


	21. Life Is a Series of Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Softshell Thursday! Already?? Woo!
> 
> So, I know some of y'all are _highly concerned_ about this chapter. Tensions were high in the comments last Thursday. I want you all to try to relax. Try to breathe. Maybe drink some water, but everything is a-ok. We're going to get through this. 
> 
> You can trust me. 
> 
> You would never NOT trust me…
> 
> … Right?
> 
> Enjoy!!!

_"... I miss how you feel, Adora."_

_The unexpected admission came one rainy evening after a blessedly light day._

_They had sold the dining table. An armchair. Some old maps. And yes, it had felt good to hold cash again. It had also felt good to spend more time with Catra. The evening was lowkey even by Adora's standards. They bonded in a way that felt natural. The general awkwardness they shared was truly beginning to fade out of existence. Things were normalizing faster than ever, and that was good. Comfortable was ideal._

_But normal wasn't everything. This was a little different, a little more vulnerable._

_"I'm here... I understand."_

_Adora remained wary of breaching the topic of actual sex, and yet she still decided to remove her shirt. Catra had said not to hold on to guilt, so she didn't. Fear, of course, was another matter. Worry._

_She didn't want to make such a huge mistake again._

_What came next was a silent agreement that began with Adora's slow and deliberate guidance. Once a degree of trust was established, Catra's roaming fingers were never anything but careful. Her gaze was careful, too. It was something devoid of old, something filled with new._

_It was something kind._

_Adora could barely stop herself after that initial encounter. The same seemed true of Catra. There was a clock on their intimacy, even in its new, blossoming state. Catra would rediscover every spot she thought she knew, and Adora let her so long as it didn't end up with one of them between the other's thighs._

_That practice often resulted with Catra naked beside her, holding Adora's head with both hands and kissing her until Adora was moaning uncontrollably into Catra's mouth._

_It never progressed to sex, not even once. Adora had said she didn't know how to navigate that quite yet. She also suspected they were both too nervous for such an act. They didn't talk about it during the day, so maybe there was something too raw about that. But maybe it didn't need to be talked about yet._

_It still had her shudder._

_It still left marks on her skin._

_It was still real in its own way, and actions were always going to be louder than words._

_Catra certainly had faith in Adora's assurance that they would be alright. It was never clearer than in those moments. During those times, there weren't any words. Weren't any games. They felt each other. Looked at each other._

_Saw._

And the nights were close and warm, just like that. 

On the other hand, the days were busy. 

Life had a habit of whizzing by faster and faster. 

This little section of it was no different. 

Some of it was to Adora's credit, her own schedule, but most of it wasn't. She couldn't have slowed it down if she tried. 

Catra's warning about _soon_ came very soon. Sooner than Adora would've liked. To be honest, she had not felt any burning anger in a while. It seemed to have been replaced with the occasional bout of sadness, but needless to say, that was usually significantly easier to work with. For both of them. 

One such bout of sadness was present the moment she woke up. She held its manifestation, a slightly shaking lip, between her teeth when Catra finished packing the car. She'd done her best not to dread this morning. She was happy for Catra, and she believed in herself, but it didn't change that she was going to miss her dearly.

Yes, Adora had been quite sad. 

Had been.

Catra, never one to miss a beat, had not let that last.

Adora should've seen it coming. 

"Okay, dummy. Logger. With a chainsaw and everything. Come on, that would be cool as hell." 

"Oh my God, _Catra._ Why do you keep giving me jobs all about manual labor? This is like the fifth one in a row!"

The drive to the airport had been amusing, to say the least. See, when Catra said she was going to help with brainstorming possible careers, somehow Adora expected something different. She didn't know why she'd been so misguided as to believe that Catra would take the task seriously, but she had, and now they were having this insane wreck of a conversation. It was certainly one of their more memorable rides, one punctuated with laughter and embarrassment. 

"Uhh, no reason. I mean-" Catra hastily cleared her throat. "They're the easiest to get without employers researching you. Duh. Anyways, you wouldn't like cutting shit up with a chainsaw?"

Adora couldn't help but to roll her eyes. "I think _you_ would like cutting things up with a chainsaw." 

That was an image, wasn't it? Catra decked out in plaid and safety gear, dangling high up off a tree and cutting into it with a manic grin. It would be… attractive but terrifying. 

Actually, that just about summed up that side of Catra in three words. 

"I don't think you're giving them a fair chance. Hm. What about a surfing instructor? Hey, don't look at me like that. You could learn. You're going to have to learn whatever you end up doing unless you get insanely lucky." 

There was the exit for the airport. Not far, now. At least it had been a wonderful drive. At least they were both smiling. 

"Your suggestions are getting worse, honey." Adora laughed softly. "What are you even looking at?" 

Catra flashed her phone screen, as if Adora could actually look at it. "I searched up jobs to get if you don't know what you want to do with your life." 

_Fantastic. Just fantastic._

"Oh, great. That sounds _reaaally_ helpful."

"For sure," Catra hummed. "Okay, next one. Have you considered a life-changing six month long backpacking trip through Peru?"

_... What the hell?_

"No…? That's- that's not even work?"

"I don't know, backpacking through Peru for six months sounds like work to me." And before Adora could stop her… "Hey, you could always get one of those subscription based porn accounts. You'd make a ton of cash with one of those." 

Now the airport was in sight, but Adora was hardly paying attention. Alright, yes. She was glancing over at the world's most powerful distraction in total disbelief.

"Is that seriously on there?" 

"Nope." Catra grinned. "I came up with that one myself."

"Of course you did." Adora wanted to smash her face into the steering wheel. That would've been very hazardous. "Wow, Catra. You've solved my problem. Thank you. I can't believe I didn't think of that before. I think I'm even going to take the house off the market." 

"I would be your first subscriber." 

"Honestly, I don't think anyone but you would pay to see that."

"I think you're underselling yourself. Literally. You'd have a lot of fans."

_O-kay._

"That's enough of that." Adora said, finally shutting the conversation down for good. 

It was good timing. It wasn't long before they had to start scoping out where the best parking lot was. Yes, they had to park. Adora couldn't stand to just drop Catra off. She'd already decided to eat the cost parking close to the terminal so that they could walk together into the hustle and bustle of the airport. 

Adora assisted in unloading everything, then insisted on carrying one of the bags inside. She was purposeful in how she held it. See, she held it with her formerly broken hand. And yes… she may have absent-mindedly done some bicep curls with it. Hopefully it was something besides the assigned exercises that would increase her grip strength, but at least it amused Catra.

And _Catra,_ well Catra was about as close to having a skip in her step as possible. She'd never sink to such a low, so it was very minor. But it was there. Her excitement was simply undeniable. 

Someone was in a rather good mood.

Soon enough, however, they were both met with yet another case of life going too fast. Security came into view. _End of the line._ They both stopped at almost exactly the same moment and dropped what they were holding onto the ground. It was time to say goodbye, and with so many lessons in how limited time truly was, Adora did not intend on wasting it. 

Neither did Catra, so it seemed. 

Their embrace was firm. For Adora, it was also somewhat proud. She had promised herself that she would maintain her composure when this moment came, if only for Catra's sake. And she was. In fact, she was doing better than Catra. 

"I'm going to miss you." Because Catra's voice was low and muffled. She was even hiding her face. 

"It's only for a little while," Adora reminded them both, kissing the top of Catra's head. "But I'll miss you too." 

Eventually, Catra lifted her face, deliberately wiping away whatever tears she might have had on Adora's shirt. Adora didn't even try to stop the smile. 

"Everyone's going to see what a genius you are."

"Hah, I think they already know." Catra chuckled.

"And they'll see that you're humble."

"Oh yeah, the most." 

Adora pulled her in for another tight hug. She didn't want to let go. _They'd only just gotten to this point._ But it would be good for Catra. It would be fair for Adora. Hopefully it would be amazing for the future. 

"If we stand here much longer, we'll turn into a hallmark movie." Catra said, breaking their harmonious little bubble. 

"Getting rid of me that fast?" Adora teased right back.

"More like I'm trying not to miss my flight."

They parted at that, though their hands still touched. They couldn't tear their eyes away from each other, either. 

"Okay," Adora smiled again, slowly pulling her fingertips away. "I love you a lot."

Catra did the same. "I love you too."

She then picked up both of her bags and started to walk backwards, still not breaking that eye contact. 

"Text me when you land."

"I will," she promised. "Don't get boring while I'm gone."

"I'll try not to. But you can't get smarter, deal?"

"Deal. It's not like you'd be able to keep up." And after that last jab, Catra determinedly turned around and entered the line for security. 

_Goodbye._

It was a relief that Adora did not feel even a little angry that Catra had to leave. She had worried about that too, that it was possible she might. It wouldn't have made sense, but then again, it never did. Not really.

Thankfully, no, not mad. 

She mostly felt sad again. 

With some hope sprinkled in. 

She also recognized that.

Adora refrained from awkwardly waiting the twenty or so minute _minimum_ it would take until Catra was past security. Instead, she turned heel and forced herself to walk back out to the car. 

_The moment she got in, she noticed how it still smelled faintly of Catra._

She checked off the trip to the airport from her list, then started home. It was not as fun as the drive over, but Adora entertained herself with replays of Catra's teasing. 

_And when she returned to the house, it too smelled of everything absent._

A good realization, if not a hard one. Adora was very aware. She came to understand that she was already missing how Catra felt, exactly the same as Catra said she missed her. 

_If only they'd had another day._

\---

Well, maybe that was a little dramatic. 

A little emotional.

_Come on, Adora._

Even she could admit that. 

Because yes, she missed Catra…

A lot.

… But it really wasn't so bad. 

Not compared to everything else that had happened in her life in the last six months, at least. 

Things could be worse.

Adora would simply have to wait for Catra to come back. And Catra would come back! And soon! That was one of the perks of life flying by. So, apart from one foray into masturbation which left her more frustrated than satisfied, Adora accepted that fact for what it was. Catra’s absence simply was what it was, as was her future. 

As such, Adora decided it best to focus her attention on her own future. After all, she was alone for a good chunk of time. There really was no excuse not to be productive. Her chosen behavior wasn't even unhealthy (at least Adora hoped so) despite being left to her own devices.

She made her lists. She had things to do while she waited. A good portion of household items and appliances were now covered in sticky notes with prices to help remind Adora of Catra's thoroughness. Each passing day saw another couple of them disappear forever. 

Furthermore, since the house was officially on the market by that point, Adora was on the hunt for an apartment. Her goal was obviously to have the end of both processes to sync up. 

Two days after Catra left, Adora got a call back from a local grocery store. It had definitely been her prior experience that got the interview.

But Catra- wow, Catra had been thrilled to hear about it. More than Adora. Adora was more apprehensive. She was admittedly regretful about her years-old joke about returning to a grocery store for the sake of convenience. No part of her actually… wanted to. No part of her really wanted that convenience. Then again, Catra's enthusiasm meant that Adora received affirmation she’d been craving.

_“I know I give you shit, but fuck, that's awesome. I don’t care what you do, Adora. You can be a shelf stocker again for all I care. I just want you happy.”_

Yeah.

That's what Adora wanted to hear. 

That Catra would still accept her even if that was the best she could do. 

She changed her view on the upcoming interview then and there, because so what if her prior experience got her the opportunity? It still counted it as a success. She only needed one. 

Three days in and Bow finally got back to her. He was around and ready to catch up. His reply made the day's list very easy. 

Adora pretty much dropped everything else she was doing and headed downtown. 

She still didn't particularly feel the need to talk to him about her own spiral anymore, but she hadn't forgotten how fragile he'd last sounded. On that thought, she decided to stop by the store on her way over. It was a spur of the moment action that resulted in her purchasing a cherry filled pastry for him.

_She had a feeling he might need something to cheer him up._

He'd been the one who continually had to deal with Glimmer. 

_She parked out front. Way easier with two hands! God… she'd turned into a worse driver, though._

He was certainly better with his feelings, but that couldn't have been easy. 

_Into the building and the first elevator._

Maybe it was a good idea to insist they go for a hike and talk. 

_Down one hall._

Still stuck in mundane fantasy, Adora rounded the corner to-

To everything wrong in Adora's life wrapped up into one still image. 

To the worst thing that could happen. 

To her. 

The world was still technically clear, she was clear as day, but everything was also muddy. Adora was muddy. Stuck in quicksand and unable to move. Like God had impaled each of her feet with a titanium rod that anchored her to the ground.

_It hurt like that had just happened._

Burned, too. And Adora knew what that meant. She was deadly aware of how her blood had run so freezing cold that it had crossed back over into hot, and that meant _everywhere_ was radiating heat. Everywhere had that pressure. It tingled in her hands, stomach, face. Everywhere. 

They had both stopped in the middle of the hall. Jerked to a halt by complete surprise. Neither had spoke, and when Adora tried, she found she couldn't produce any sound. There was little to do in the silence but feel the tingling develop into an acute throb inside of her skull.

The real world remained silent until someone exited their apartment and shuffled past them both. Their hushed apologies did not quite make it to Adora's ears, the silence was too loud by then. She did not break eye contact. She wasn't sure what she was trying to out-calculate Glimmer at, but she was going to do it. 

Glimmer's eyes were a little red. Only a little. Her whole body was stiff. That was a lot. She didn't seem to know what to do with her hands either, or maybe she wasn't concerned about them at all. Those were just limp by her side.

_If that was Glimmer, that must Adora have looked like?_

_Did she look sad?_

_Did she look lost?_

_Could Glimmer read the anger as clearly as Adora felt it?_

It took only one or two more uncomfortable seconds...

"I heard about your hand." Glimmer finally said, breaking the ice but not any of the tension. 

_However she read, Adora must have come across worse._

She blinked. 

_Because Glimmer had beaten her to it._

_God-_

_Damn it._

It didn't help that Glimmer had done that, because of all things, that was the first thing she was going to mention? After all this time? After accusing Adora of being a monster? After getting Adora fired?

She heard about Adora's hand…!?

_The pressure built more, far outweighing any other panicked urge. She kept herself firmly rooted to the ground._

She tried harder to focus on things other than her feelings, but it wasn't possible. They were too powerful. So powerful that she could not conclude whether Glimmer was genuinely concerned. She almost looked it. But much like whether or not she had been crying, that too was inconclusive. 

Adora could only really conclude that her own heart was beating in her throat, and that apparently in establishing a firm connection to her own anger, she had reopened her sense of hurt and betrayal.

There was betrayal. Standing in front of her. At another time, it would've begged for an apology, a compromise, anything. It didn't anymore.

_More pressure._

"It's fine now." Adora's reply was plain. Even cordial in tone.

Glimmer nodded in whatever passed for understanding in her twisted mind. Took a step forward. _No. Adora hated that._ Tilted her head ever so slightly. "Okay, and how are you?"

How was Adora? 

Good or bad, Adora wasn't so sure she wanted Glimmer to know. No, there was no reason to be unsure. Adora definitely didn't want Glimmer to know. 

"What do you think?" 

"I don't know. I'm wondering if you're making it work."

"Are you?"

Glimmer's expression shifted slightly in response to the deflection. She smiled through the smallest pause. Another step. _Stop it._ Just- "I'm okay."

Her words did not match her eyes, let alone her smile. Hell, they weren't even satisfied. They were empty. Adora was waiting for the manipulation, and yet she was also unsure whether or not she'd missed it. Perhaps it had already happened. Perhaps Adora had missed it. 

_No. She had things under control. She had the pressure under control. The building pressure. She had-_

"If I don't get to know about you, then how's Catra?" 

Glimmer didn't just-

She did.

And every part of Adora screamed to tell her exactly how Catra was doing. Exactly how much of an actual genius Catra was. Exactly how amazing she still was and would continue to be.

Adora ached to say everything. 

… But it was her, not Glimmer, who needed to be the one with things under control. Impulse wouldn't help her here. Experience told her Glimmer couldn't know anything. Glimmer knowing anything was... dangerous. 

So instead, Adora exhaled long and slow. 

It all remained inside. 

"We're good," she stated as calmly as she could. Her words weren't weak. Then again, they weren't strong either. They were just there. Like Glimmer. Like the hurt It didn't belong. None of it should've been there at all. 

Glimmer didn't bother to get an answer to the question she'd actually asked. Instead, she took another experimental step forward that Adora despised. She came within touching distance. 

Adora clenched her fist at her side. Wound tight like a coil. She forced one more slow exhale, this time better disguised. Through her teeth. She waited what felt like forever for whatever Glimmer had in store for her next. Whatever bait. Whatever trick.

_But apparently…_

"It was interesting to see you again, Adora." 

_Apparently, she had nothing._

"Yeah, you too."

_That was that._

Glimmer was leaving.

Adora knew she was naive to expect anything better than that. She'd made that mistake before. Short of a miraculous apology, that was as good as it was going to get. At least their confrontation and consideration had been brief. 

_Or had it...?_

As she passed by, Glimmer's tenuous grasp on her own self control finally seemed to slip. 

"I hope it was worth it," she muttered under breath.

See, there was the emotion. There was the vitriol. It was all in that whisper - whatever Glimmer had wanted, her goading hadn't achieved it. And yet for a small, searing moment, Adora still wasn't sure if one of them would end up pinning the other against a wall. 

But neither did. 

Because she wouldn't give in.

Instead?

"Me too."

"... What?" Glimmer's footsteps froze in place. 

Adora did not turn around, though. "I hope so too. I hope what you did was worth it."

The quiet that swept over them both at that was far more potent than when they first spotted each other. Then there was an almost frustrated laugh. A sigh. Adora still didn't allow herself to look. She kept herself rigid and in control.

"I didn't really do anything. You're the one that started this. I did what was right. Ask anyone else who knows, they'll say I'm right."

Anyone else, huh.

Anyone… else.

Probably everyone else.

Sure, Glimmer.

But ask Adora.

Even ask Catra.

Ask _Bow._

Weren't their opinions the only ones that truly mattered to Glimmer?

Maybe not.

It wasn't so easy to tell anymore. 

"Do you really believe that?" Adora quietly asked of whatever abyss had taken over her former friend. "Do you honestly believe you're right…?"

"Obviously," and she sounded it. There was no hesitancy in that at all. "Who would I be if I didn't?" 

_Wrong, Adora supposed._

_That was the only possible answer._

_Glimmer would have to be wrong._

_And that wasn't palatable to her._

_Wrong would never be palatable._

Adora had no reply to that. All she could do was digest it. Glimmer had obviously made her decision. She would just have to live with it. Sad or happy, that was her choice. 

Without anything else to poke at, Glimmer's footsteps finally continued. Soon enough, they had receded entirely. The distant sound of the elevator marked her exit. 

Then, silence again. 

An uncomfortable, distressing quiet.

Still with that pressure bottled up and ready to burst. 

Glimmer had left her alone with it. 

Adora was alone.

She'd kept it all inside. 

_Surely that was better than letting it out…?_

But now it really was verging on a panic attack. A bad one. She hadn't been prepared for a day like this. And without Glimmer there to keep her on her toes, there was no concrete reason to keep it in. It wanted out. 

Adora felt like she hadn't breathed in years. She immediately propped herself up against the nearest wall and felt hot tears well in her eyes, so far, her upset's only escape. 

"You're good," she whispered to herself, trying her very hardest to calm down. "You're okay. You got this." 

She had to. Because Glimmer did not control Adora. Adora controlled Adora. Adora controlled her own thoughts and perceptions. Whatever Glimmer was trying to do, she wasn't allowed that kind of determination. That's what she told herself.

God...

Pride was a quiet and furious thing. 

Adora fought hard to quell her own.

_Because Glimmer did not control Adora._

If Catra was working to not be anything like Glimmer, it was only fair that Adora try and shake her off too.

_Adora controlled Adora…_

She got out her phone, hand shaking slightly. Catra wouldn't be around now, but-

(3:11 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Is there any chance you call tonight? If they haven't got you busy._

_**Adora:** It would mean a lot._

There.

_Was that too obvious?_

Adora could do this on her own. But later. Later it would be nice if…

Back to the wall and facing that awful, pulsing mix of betrayed rage and fear. 

Over and over.

_Because Glimmer did not control Adora._

_Adora controlled Adora._

_Adora needed to believe in herself._

_She had come **too far** to fail._

Oh.

She couldn't help but to laugh weakly at Catra's influence. She let the feelings flow through her, second by second. Minute by minute. Until the palm not clutching the pastry was open again. It was sweaty, so she wiped it on her pants. Her heart was still beating much too hard. Her head hurt. So did her throat. 

It was an exhausting emotional workout, one of restraint. But the pressure was finally releasing, slow and steady.

Calmly.

And the fear seemed to be gone too.

Clearly.

She could see clearly again.

It took her a good ten seconds for her brain to register that she'd made it through. Not just gotten through Glimmer- no- but herself. All by herself, too. 

No panic attack.

She'd stopped it.

Had she… done that before? 

And if she had, like this?

_With Glimmer?_

Wow…

Wow.

It was a strange kind of relief. It was a no-fun-at-all, mild kind of euphoria. There was no other way to describe it. She laughed again, still shaky. She straightened up and looked back at the corner she'd rounded to get here. To be here, at this very point in time.

_Glimmer was way back there. Somewhere…_

Adora looked down at the pastry, still safely in its container. It was no smashed pie.

You know what, anger was awful. Adora was thoroughly sick of it. But if she could handle Glimmer and not even drop what she was holding, then honestly, what _was_ the worst that could happen? She couldn't think of anything. 

(3:17 p.m.)

_**Catra:** sure, ill make time _

Her hand still trembled as she put away her phone and finally continued down the hall, but that was just her adrenaline coming down. She needlessly smoothed back her hair as she knocked on Bow's door. 

Admittedly, there was one small addition to all this, which was that Adora was ready to sternly inform Bow that she would be highly appreciative if he managed not to update Glimmer with fun facts about Adora's life. He probably already knew, but he certainly hadn't done it. So it felt like a rightful request. It really was the only thing she wanted to add to the situation. She was feeling brave enough to do it, too. Centered enough. 

But then the door opened. If it wasn't obvious, that thought vanished in an instant.

Seeing him…?

It was almost like stepping into another world. Maybe it reminded her of some messed up form of the past, like when he had stayed at the house, but she had to accept that this was Bow's present. 

And she'd walked in at the exact worst time.

"Hey, Adora…!" 

He had definitely been crying. That was far clearer than Glimmer.

"Hey, uh-..." 

Emotionally speaking, it was also clear he'd been functioning better back when he was still moving. He'd been better helping Adora out, too. Adora _got_ that. Being productive kept things at bay. 

But now here she was, put together enough to not need guidance, so there _he_ was, looking lost and already digging through some papers. They were out of place. Probably the reason Glimmer had even stopped by. Probably the reason for this backslide. 

"You're early." 

"A little." Adora stepped inside, shut the door, then and held out the pastry. "This is for you... Are you okay?"

At first, Bow could do little more than return Adora a weary smile. After a second's slowness, however, he took what she was offering. 

"I'm not not usually like this, sorry. Glimmer came by," he started to explain, his voice already cracking in that way it did. "She was, uhhh, upset again. Then I got upset. Now I'm…" Bow's eyes went a little thousand yard stare-like. Glazed like the pastry he was still just holding. It was like he'd forgotten about it. "I'm glad you and Catra didn't break up, by the way…! I didn't hear any awful news, so I figured. And it's nice. You two… working it out."

_Oh boy._

"Yeah, Catra and I are doing well…" That wasn't why she was here. "But can I help with anything?"

"I'm okay. I did cut down on work a little, like you said I should."

"That's good," she said, a little unsure. 

Nope, not forgotten. He remembered to put it down on the counter. And he was back to looking through papers. He still wasn't really seeing. 

"Then I tried to get busy in other ways. I went to this martial arts studio, but it didn't really help." Bow pointed at a couple of flyers on the fridge advertising various forms at several different studios. "I don't think I'm far enough along to focus on something like that."

"I'm sorry."

He was quiet for a few minutes after that. Still looking through things. Probably busy looking for a solution that didn't exist. Again, Adora got that. He'd made a permanent decision and Glimmer had come by and punished him for it yet again. No wonder he was a mess.

"Sometimes," he began again, finally giving up on the papers but keeping his gaze low. "Sometimes… I'm okay. But sometimes it feels like I betrayed her. She sure makes me feel that way. Even when I put up boundaries. _I told her we shouldn't talk for a while,_ but she just… wears me down."

At least he saw it for what it was…?

Adora hesitated, but decided to reach out for his hand. Anything to stop him from trying to fix whatever had gone so horribly. "You and I both know you didn't do anything wrong."

"I- y-yeah… I know." Bow looked up the moment she made contact. "... Why'd you want to talk, anyway?" 

There that was again. He too was certainly the type that felt better helping others. Adora could see it reflected right back at her. She started to guide him away from the papers and toward his bed.

"Yeah. I told Catra I'd see you. I got into some really bad job hunting habits. I was up half the night for a while. That's better now, but I owed it to her to check in with you…"

On him. It was totally checking in on him. 

"Have you found something yet?"

"Maybe, I've got an interview lined up. It's not a big deal, though," she quickly pivoted yet again. "I'm worried about you. You know I can come over whenever you need, right? We can go out or cook or even just sit if you want." 

Right on cue, they reached the bed. Adora sat. Bow went straight to lying down. 

"I don't know. I don't know how to start over," he admitted almost immediately. "I knew, then I did it, but now all the things are done and I still feel this way. I thought I'd feel a little better." He looked over at her. "I don't feel better, Adora. I feel worse."

Adora fell completely back so she was next to Bow. 

"I know what you mean," she shrugged a little awkwardly. "Maybe that's just because she came over?" 

"Maybe. Do you... think she's going to find someone new?"

_Oh man. Oh man…_

"I don't know. I think you will, though." 

"But I never thought I'd love anyone but her. She's always been the one, Adora. It's- it's _horrible."_

His voice cracked again.

This time he was about to cry.

Adora held tight.

She wasn't sure what she could give other than her presence, so that's what she gave. They stayed that way, shoulder to shoulder, for most of the duration of her visit. Bow didn't need help with shopping or eating. He needed to hold Adora's hand while they stared at the ceiling together. He needed to talk through this and that. Whatever it took to feel heard. 

He was always better at processing emotions than her.

He knew what was going on in his heart, just not what to do with it.

Adora listened to it pour out.

And made the deliberate decision to never tell him about her experience in the hall. 

It didn't serve him in any way.

After he had calmed himself down from his (likely much worse) encounter with Glimmer, they did end up sharing that pastry. It even made Bow smile. He had settled into a significantly better place by then, so they reminisced about happier memories. This time, however, their conversation did not include Glimmer at all. The rare trips they'd taken together without Glimmer. The occasional inside jokes she hadn't cared to pry for. The few fragments of untainted history they could keep for themselves without hurt or betrayal.

And that was very nice.

Her conversation with Bow was possibly the best thing that could happen while Catra was gone. 

He was... sort of back to normal.

Eventually, however, the time came that Bow had things to do. He had committed himself to some sort of meet-up group. A support group. 

So, Adora gathered herself up and said her goodbye. On the way out, her attention was drawn back to the flyers on the fridge. 

"Can I take these?"

Bow nodded from his place on the bed. He'd sat up, but was still mustering the strength to face the outside world. He'd get there. "I don't need them. Are you thinking of trying one of them?"

"Maybe. Do you think I'd be good at it?" 

"I think the question is whether or not you think you'd like it. Although, I bet it'd help you channel your feelings." 

"It probably would." 

Perhaps that's why Adora was attracted. With permission granted, she folded up the various flyers into neat little squares and put them with her list. After that, she left Bow there, far more confident in his state than when she had arrived. 

She went home. 

Sighed in relief again. 

Religiously cycled through the last of her chores. 

Crossed off the end of her list and then put it with all the rest of the completed ones. She'd started a collection of them, you see. Being able to look through what she did each day was probably the best part of the whole exercise. 

When the time came, she made dinner.

_Maybe if she got the job, she'd get discounts on food! That was another silver lining!_

So much time passed that she'd actually forgotten about her text to Catra. It remained forgotten until late that evening when her phone started ringing. 

_What a nice surprise she'd totally blanked on, hah._

Adora brought the phone up to her ear, already smiling. "Hey."

_"Hey, sorry I couldn't call sooner. Shit takes forever. Are you okay? I got kind of worried about your text."_

Well, that was the question, wasn't it? Adora had to think about how to address that. She didn't want to take too long and worry Catra more. 

"Yeah," she decided after only a few short seconds. Because it was true. "Yeah, I guess I had kind of a weird day, although I'm actually super proud of myself about something... but I'll tell you about that in a bit. I want to hear about you first." 

_"You're sure?_

Yes.

"Positive. I miss you, you know?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would ya look at that 
> 
> *does the jig?*
> 
> :)


	22. ̶P̶r̶o̶g̶r̶e̶s̶s̶

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are not over the idea of sexy sexy sexy HNNGgg professor Adora, it might please you to know that you are not alone. Melonbreadmondays shares your sentiments. If that name sounds familiar, then you already know that this is a very, very good thing.
> 
> If you haven't already, go take a peek at Adora's first potential onlyFans post (semi-NSFW) and give melon some love, won't ya? I'd really appreciate it if you did! Besides, you deserve a treat today. 
> 
> URL (someday I'll figure out the direct link thing): https://twitter.com/melonbreadmon/status/1349922609144717312?s=20
> 
> Thank you once again for this delicious gift, melon. 
> 
> Now if you'll excuse me, I need to surrender myself to the authorities so they can take me to horny jail. *Bonk!*
> 
> (Enjoy the chapter!)

That. 

Real progress. 

That was yet another thing to cross off the list. A big one, though. Not all the little ones from before. It wasn't merely clearing the sink or spending x amount of time searching for an apartment. It wasn't even forcing herself to pick up a call from the realtor and committing to awkward conversation. Maybe it wasn't a final career, but it still felt concrete. It still had the same end result: money. 

It was also further proof of Adora's competency. Further proof of her ability to function even if Catra was elsewhere. 

Of course, as proud as Adora was, the job interview was… Well, what do you want to know? Adora sure didn’t want to dwell on the details of it. It was the standard uncomfortable interview conducted in a boring room for a minimum wage shelf stocking position. Gripping stuff. You wouldn't have wanted to sit through it anymore than Adora did. She wanted the job, it's just that the process of getting it was less than stimulating. 

She obviously did get the job, though! Having one at all was a massive relief. At the very least, she was excited to have her feet under her again. Even if having to actually do it wasn't so exciting. 

No, things weren't perfect. But damn if they weren't coming together. Things were actually making sense. There was a direct path forward. 

Unsurprisingly, the very first thing she did after hearing back was text Catra to tell her the news. _God, maybe Adora was doing well, but she still couldn't wait for her to come back so they could celebrate for real._

That thing about absence and fondness? Very true. 

She wanted Catra to be proud too. As such, the conversation just about made both their days. Adora laid back in bed, firing excited ramblings back and forth. Think lots of swearing. Adora could hardly keep up, especially since Catra was far more pumped than Adora was. Adora suspected she was relieved that something was working out… especially considering her role in how the whole teaching thing ended up. Then again, Catra was honestly still more excited about everything since she got New York. 

_It was adorably genuine._

She had certainly taken the invitation to spam, primarily during the second half of the visit when she'd figured out where things were going. And things were going well over there. She wasn't particularly around to talk much, per se. But she did have plenty of spare moments to send photos of this food or that building or these people she now knew - all along with details of everything in New York that she wanted to show Adora. It was sweet. Adora liked that. 

The _going to grad school thing_ that had remained a minor point of tension wasn't as troublesome as expected, although that was mainly because Adora didn't understand what on Earth was going on. As far as all that went, Catra's experiences were far different than Adora's. 

Yeah, Adora didn't think she'd ever heard Catra talk so much. Or so fast. At least Catra had continued to be happy, if not perpetually exhausted from Columbia's insanity. 

_Adora was happy she was happy. She really was._

The second thing she did after hearing back from the store was call Bow. He would also want to know, after all. She was digging through some unsellable items as she did. She could get rid of a lot by listing them online, but she was going to have to part with some highly personal artifacts for free. In this case, photos. 

_"Next week? That's great! It'll be like old times."_

He still didn't sound normal, but at least he was better put together than their talk a couple days earlier. Amazing how much better they both were when Glimmer was out of their lives. 

"Oh, definitely don't put it like that," Adora laughed, then started flipping through various pictures. 

_"Whoops, sorry. You're right, that wasn't how I should've said that,"_ Bow apologized. 

"Yeah, I'm relieved, don't get me wrong, but…" 

_"Yeah?"_

A few seconds passed by. Adora found herself stuck staring at a particular image from sophomore year. It didn't… quite sting, but it felt very odd. She got a little misty eyed and foggy minded. 

_"You there?"_

"Uh, yeah," she pulled herself out of it. "Sorry. I'm trying to sort stuff and just found some of the photos you took when you went through your polaroid phase." 

That had been a year of Bow's craziness. He documented everything they did. Of course, then they went back to phones like normal people. All these memories got stuffed in here for the initial move and forgotten. 

She was too sentimental a person to just throw them away, at least not yet. But that didn't mean it felt great to look at them. 

_"Oh."_

"Just like old times," Adora said, although it was not at all funny for her to do it too, then shoved the pictures back into their box. 

_"... You think you're going to keep them?"_

"I guess for now," she sighed. "Unless you want them? You took them." 

Nothing. 

Yep It was a little awkward. Definitely not the congratulatory conversation they'd started with. 

_"Hey, why don't we meet up again?"_ Bow suggested after several seconds of uncomfortable silence. _"Last time wasn't what it should've been. I think we both could use a break."_

Yeah.

That was a fair idea. 

She put the box back where she found it, slapped a sticky note that meant it still needed to be sorted on its side and turned away from it. 

That could come later. 

As it turned out, Bow's idea of a break was to spend an afternoon at the zoo. It was more than good enough, and it wasn't like Adora had a better idea. She didn't want to be in the house. He didn't want to be in the apartment. Neither were particularly in the mood to stare at art and contemplate the meaning of life. So, zoo. 

She met him next to a massive metal lion that graced the entrance. 

_Good place for a photo, actually. She thought back to the box. If she was intending to make new memories, then maybe…_

"Thanks for earlier. I wanted to bring you something too." Bow held up a dessert for her. He still looked a little worn down, but at least he smiled. "My dads are coming to see me in a couple weeks. They're worried, but I really don't want them to be."

"I'm glad they're taking the time to check in." 

"Me too. They used to take me to the zoo when I was sad," he went on to explain how they'd arrived at this place. "So, I thought of this. I want to take them when they get here, except I haven't actually been to this one. If the animals aren't well taken care of then they'll both freak out." 

"Oh, so I'm your test run?" 

"You caught me," Bow smiled.

It was a fair zoo. Well, fair _for_ a zoo. Supported conservation just enough that Adora let herself enjoy it for the most part. Besides, the workers who cared for the animals seemed to be. 

They looked happy with their jobs.

Of course that's what she noticed first. That's what made her think. 

Perhaps the nicest part of it all is that neither of them had ever gone to a zoo with Glimmer. It just hadn't come up. It was a clean slate in many ways, and so the box of photos was quickly forgotten by both of them. 

Much like Bow, Adora had not been inside a zoo in many years. When she was young, she certainly liked them as much as any other kid, it just wasn't something that stuck. Her favorite animals to visit were the lions. So, it wasn't a surprise that that's where they went first. 

_Hm._

It was a little underwhelming in actuality, but it still brought up positive memories. It kind of felt like stepping back in time and into childhood, even if most of it ended up being spent sitting on a bench chatting and devouring what Bow had brought her.

There were breaks to sitting, though. 

They saw the pandas. His idea. Too cute to miss. 

But then Adora got on a little bit of a bad habit. Encouraged by her first meal, she tried the food at the stand outside their enclosure. 

That raised no eyebrows from Bow. 

When they checked out the elephants, however, and when she just _had_ to try the ice cream there, he was a little more amused. Look, the zoo was run by the city. It wasn't that expensive. She could afford two bucks of ice cream if it made her happy. It kind of reminded her of her date with Catra! Although, different, obviously. 

"Hungry?" 

"You know, I can't tell," she admitted. "But it looked good." 

They stopped outside the butterfly pavilion (totally Bow's idea) so that she could finish it up. 

"I forget if I said this already, but you can crash at my place if you need to." 

"In your tiny apartment?" It was Adora's turn to raise an eyebrow.

He nodded, still a bit weary but much more relaxed than before. "Yeah! Just as a backup, so you don't have to worry."

"Thanks, Bow." Adora genuinely smiled at that. She didn't imagine it would come to that, but it was a sweet gesture. 

They putzed around a while longer, then ended up outside the zoo. They once again decided against museums. Bow even shuddered at the thought. There was a reason he wanted his dads to go to the zoo. Yeah, Adora knew his childhood had been filled with museums. Anything different was better. 

Although saying no to that meant it was over. Again. They hugged. As calm as it had been, Bow still felt heavy in her arms. Hugged a little tighter and longer than usual. Sighed a little deeper. Said they needed to meet up more often.

Adora agreed.

For both their sakes. 

She was grateful for the normalness their friendship could provide. 

Right before they parted ways, a thought seemed to occur to him. "Oh, I wanted to ask. Have you tried one of those martial arts studios yet?"

"Not yet," Adora shook her head. "But I think I should." 

"I bet Catra would like it," he said knowingly. 

Oh. 

Wow.

Well, there was another reason. 

That settled it.

Which… was a little amusing. The idea of getting her emotions channelled into something healthy had been reason enough to consider getting involved, but the prospect of impressing Catra was the delicious cherry on top. 

It actually got her really, really excited. She had all sorts of ridiculous images in her head. Could you blame her? It was far more interesting than rejoining work culture. 

Three days before Catra was due to return, Adora finally found time to really consider the flyers Bow had let her have. She looked through them with a rapidly bubbling fascination. If Catra could hit things in a healthy way, maybe Adora could too. She conjured up yet another ludicrous mental image of herself as some expert fighter. Probably something like karate, she decided. Although, as it turned out, the only kind of flyer Bow hadn't picked up was one for karate. It was a little disappointing. Adora wouldn't have minded trying the most well known martial art. But! About half of the flyers offered a free lesson. 

So like, yeah. Adora was totally doing that. 

To be honest, however, she had been a little dumb about the whole martial arts thing. Normally, she would've looked up what all these different forms entailed and compiled a list of notes on them. She didn't do that. Nope, not this time. She was trying to curb some of her more obsessive tendencies. 

_She figured she should just… see what fit best, right?_

And so, Adora told herself the lists were enough as they were. She didn't need them for non-necessities. This was a hobby. Hobbies didn't need crazy research! 

Well...

… She really should've done research. 

Two days before Catra returned, Adora found herself trying tai chi. Just walking in had her immediately realize that her first pick was a mistake. It was, um… cool-ish(?), but really, really non-physical compared to what she was expecting. Furthermore, Adora had not felt so young in months. Apart from herself, there wasn't anyone a day under fifty in the whole class. 

Crap. She should've known better. For God's sake, tai chi rhymed with chai tea! She came out of there full of breath, not out of it, and honestly feeling like she needed to go for a run. 

_Huh._

_That was new._

_How invigorating!_

Without learning a single thing from that telling experience, Adora jogged into a judo studio hoping to find a little more stereotypical martial arts action. Idiot: part two…?

Because she saw no stereotypical martial arts action. Not a whole lot of sweeping kicks or chops. Nothing to stroke her fantasy.

Instead, Adora stepped inside to witnessed what couldn't have been more than a hundred-and-twenty-pound teenage girl successfully practicing throwing a grown man to the ground. Well, he sort of let her - probably showing her proper technique. The point was that that man went up over that girl's shoulder and ended up on the ground in like, less than half a second.

Yup.

She had the tinglies for physical activity again. 

Adora wanted to do _that._

In fact, she never wanted to do something so badly in her life. 

Maybe she was being a little manic about it, and she thought she'd learned her lesson about that, but- 

But like, that was so freaking cool, right? 

Especially after that snore fest a little but ago. 

She went to find the owner of the studio. She'd figure out titles later. 

As it turned out, the owner (sensei, right? Adora didn't actually, um, know yet...) was a short and ultra fit looking woman by the name of Lonnie. She looked downright bored as Adora approached. 

"Yeah? What do _you_ want?" 

And-

And that's all she gave. 

_… Uhhokay?_

_Good start?_

At least it knocked Adora down a peg or two. 

"Hi, I brought this," still, she chose to ignore her held up the flyer that very explicitly stated that she could partake in a lesson free of charge. 

The woman stared down at it like it was a blank piece of paper, then looked back up at Adora like she too was a blank piece of paper. "Uh huh. And?" 

_And it was a flyer that she definitely signed off on and should probably be aware of and accept andlikealso-_

"Well," Adora coughed very awkwardly. "... So, like, can I try?"

"Can you?"

_What. In. The. World._

"You're… not doing a very good job of marketing yourself." 

Lonnie looked at her with an even more piercing glare. Jesus, did she treat everyone like this? "Hmph. Know what? I don't think you're up to it. Not with that attitude."

That just made Adora want to glue her feet to the ground. How did this woman get anyone to join? 

"Uh, yes I can. I can do it. I want to." 

Lonnie narrowed her eyes. 

"Fine, but I ain't some Mr. Miyagi. You get one lesson free because you have that dumb flyer." Adora immediately took note of the fact that there was a hint of softness at the end there, not unlike the kind Catra often had, although it was still very gruff. Lonnie pointed through the window to the next room that Adora had looked through earlier. Now there was a group of young teenagers getting ready. There were a couple older people, but if Adora knew anything about colors, there also seemed to be a nine year old who was already halfway through the ranks. "So don't embarrass yourself." 

They went in. 

It became clear very fast that oh yes, Lonnie did treat everyone that way. Tough love made tough people, so she said. Right.

Somehow though, and maybe it was just because Adora knew Catra so well, she found she didn't mind the abrasiveness as much as she thought she would. It was soon apparent that it was somewhat of a facade. It wasn't like Lonnie didn't care. Besides, all that really mattered was that Adora was learning. Everyone else seemed to be. 

She spent half the class more as a casual observer than anything else. A potential student. She watched some of the more experienced students practice some more. Judo including a lot of throwing. Like, a lot of it. And grappling. And like, core strength. 

Soon enough, Adora wanted to try her hand at it. Maybe not the brightest idea… but she was excited as hell! 

Lonnie made the surprising decision to let her. In retrospect, it was not the most ethical choice. Or the smartest response to Adora's dumbness. What it was going to be, however, was fun. 

… Until it wasn't.

Because that's how Adora ended up flat on a mat with several 17 year olds peering down at her like she was dead. Okay, that might've made her a little exasperated.

"Aren't you supposed to exercise restraint?" 

"I am," Lonnie crossed her arms, only barely holding back a smirk. "I'm exercising some real good restraint right now. Get up."

Oh. It was for Lonnie's fun. Definitely not ethical in the world of martial arts. 

_But wow, Adora was up to the challenge._

She was back on her feet in no time. Although she sensed she wasn't getting the… conventional training, the rest of the lesson went far better. She liked it. 

Then at the end, she _loved_ it. 

Apparently, the exact timing of when you got the white belt depended where you were. 

In this case, Adora still had to sign up and commit to purchasing the rest of the proper garb to get it, but she could have it. She was thrilled to be able to go home with something. It was the proudest she'd been in a long time. In fact, she almost cried. 

Lonnie walked her out after presenting it to her. She gave her a hard time about being so emotional and exuberant, but left her with the kindest parting words Adora imagined she'd ever hear from the woman. "You better come back, okay? You started this. There's no backing out now." 

"I will. I promise," Adora beamed, still holding the belt close. 

"Good," Lonnie nodded, then headed back inside. 

Adora forced herself to calm down a little before proudly sending a photo of her achievement to Catra.

(4:33 p.m.)

_**Catra:** when tf did this happen _

But naturally, as soon as she did…

(4:34 p.m.)

_**Adora:** Today! _

The excitement all came back. 

(4:36 p.m.)

_**Catra:** that's not what I meant lol _

_**Catra:** ok nvm _

_**Catra:** im glad that youre trying something physical. that's awesome _

_**Adora:** It's really well structured. Even the black belts have levels. I didn't know that was a thing! _

Oh yes, Adora was indeed happy. Later that evening, she even sent Catra a video she found a compilation of participants in several championship Judo competitions. She would love to do that...

(7:50 p.m.)

_**Catra:** youd be very hot if you did that to someone. _

So, that was that. Adora would become a black belt in judo. Or… was the last one white and red? She hadn't followed everything completely. Never mind! She'd get that later. 

The belt was what mattered. It kind of became the star of the rest of Catra's absence. A symbol of sorts. 

She kept getting it out just to look at it. It was something she would keep, even if she couldn't necessarily afford to actually practice for a while. Everything else could go, but it was like some strange badge of honor. 

Yeah. A material item she didn't have to give up.

Something she wanted to have no matter what. 

\---

Just like Catra. 

Oh.

And it was time.

_See, though? That hadn't been so bad. It really wasn't that long._

Adora had prepared herself not to be prepared. She'd done plenty with Catra gone, but now it was the day, all she could think about was her. Having her back in her arms. It was a thrilling prospect.

She was excited to be able to talk in person and at length again. Catra had been right, because for all the talks they did have while she was visiting Columbia, she had also been kept very busy. There had been a degree of distance between them - not just physically. Their conversations served more as updates than consistent connection. Adora wasn't upset about that. No, she got that. It was bound to happen. But now, _now_ things would be better. Closer like she craved. She didn't want to be away from Catra for a second. Wanted to happily go over everything again, on both sides. 

She even brought her white belt with her to show it to Catra for real. She hoped Catra would be proud of her again. Wanted Catra to kiss her. 

Things would return to normal, at least for a while. 

Adora would keep checking off her lists. 

There would be a nice, solid rhythm. 

Maybe Catra would visit her at work!

Hell, it might even be bearable. 

This time, Adora met her outside the airport. It was easier to just hop in that way. Catra was already leaning against a pillar when Adora pulled up. 

They took a split second to observe each other. Each checking... something. Whatever Catra was looking for, Adora didn't know. Adora just wanted to make sure Catra was still okay. 

She was. She broke into a grin.

"Hey," she greeted, eyes sparkling in just the most dazzling way.

Adora felt her heart soar. 

"Welcome back, genius." 

And much to her delight, Catra was kissing her the moment she shut the passenger side door. Oh, it felt good. It felt so right and familiar. It was like she was trying to make up for lost time. 

Yes, that something from before remained changed. It was hard for either of them to pull away. 

But… some airport official was shooing them already. Adora had to focus. Regretfully, they parted. Adora with a disappointed groan, Catra with an annoyed huff.

Then they set off.

And yes, the rhythm fell right back into place. 

A little tease here and there, a check in about the trip and Catra's decision, and everything was fine. 

"Oh, wow," Catra had even noticed the belt. To further Adora's delight, she even picked it up. She felt her chest swell with pride. "You're that excited about this, huh?" 

"Super," Adora grinned. "I still need to figure out how I'm going to swing it." 

"Cute. Are you going to show me any of the moves you learned?" 

_Oh, right. Catra thought it was hot! Um._

"So... I don't know that much yet. I worked a bit on how to break falls?"

"You're not an expert? Darn." 

"Someday, I hope. The lady who runs the place is super tough, but I like it! I felt like I learned." 

"Well, now if you ever see Glimmer again, you can put her in her place. I still can't fucking believe she talked to you." Catra growled the last part. 

She had been highly displeased to hear Adora's rendition of what happened the first time she went to visit Bow. 

Highly, highly displeased. 

_"... What do you mean you 'bumped into her'? You didn't want to lead with that???"_

_"Well, that's what happened. And no. I was in the hall and she was leaving. Not much happened."_

_"Did you guys talk?"_

_"A little. And it was upsetting, but I calmed myself down. It doesn't really matter."_

_"She upset you? I mean, I know, but- but fuck! I want to kill her. I would just fucking-"_

_"Honey, it's okay. I promise. Besides, I'm pretty sure we already talked about how much I don't want you getting arrested."_

It had taken several minutes of calming her down for Catra to manage to actually express her excitement that Adora kept her cool. It was only then that the rest of that conversation went normally. 

"I don't think martial arts are supposed to be used like that," Adora said, glancing over. 

Catra wore a mischievous smirk. "Then what are they used for?"

"In the real world? Self defense, silly." Actually, Adora wasn't even sure of that, either. She really needed to ask.

"Okay. I'll punch her and then you can defend me when she tries to kill me, sound good?"

"I thought you said you could take her?" 

"Of course I can," Catra scoffed. 

"Then why do I need to defend you?"

"You said I couldn't attack her, but are you saying you wouldn't?"

Alright, Catra had her. 

"I would be disappointed in you, but yes, I'd do defend you. Fight Glimmer or whatever it is you want," Adora said, rolling her eyes. 

"But to the death?" 

"Yup. To the death."

"Good," Catra sounded self satisfied in that way only she could. 

There really was only her.

… Adora wanted to kiss her again. 

When they got back, Catra chose to unpack not at the dorm, but at the house. A silent hint that was surely not lost on either of them. 

Surprisingly, though, she was the one who first started chatting again. It appeared Catra had the same goal of going over everything again.

Adora had not anticipated that New York's supposed charm would work so well on Catra, and yet seemingly, it had. Even now she was back. She'd been excited before, but now she was practically babbling. Adora was glad Catra didn't hate the place, but part of her worried that it might be too loud for her. Too crowded. 

Catra agreed with that, actually. She said as much. It was loud. It was crowded. Privacy was nonexistent, and yet she was also looking at it like home. Because… it would be, Adora realized. Catra had only had two so far. The dorms had been an upgrade from the first, but it wasn't anything to living in an actual apartment in a completely new city. 

It was starting a new life. 

That was worth keeping in mind.

"All that and you didn't get yourself a souvenir?" Adora asked as she came up from behind to wrap her arms around Catra's waist, taking in everything that had been missing. She felt completely content resting her chin on Catra's shoulder and looking down into the suitcase that was on the bed.

"What, like a snow globe with the skyline in it?" Catra laughed. "That's dumb. Besides, I'm moving there soon enough." 

"That's true." 

Catra hummed a few more indiscernible thoughts out, more for herself than Adora. No sooner had Adora buried her face in her shoulder and happily sighed at everything being okay for the moment than Catra abruptly turned around. 

Her cheeks were flushed. She was happy as could be. "Fuck, I missed you."

Adora melted at that, immediately smiling. "Yeah?" 

Catra took the initiative again. This time, they had more time and less space between them. It was softer, more exploratory. Catra's hands were on Adora's face and it was so perfect. Way better than their first kiss in the car. 

Adora felt sorely tempted to give in again. 

Of course, she didn't want to get too ahead of herself. She was still hesitant to risk a repeat of their disaster. 

Before Adora even had a chance to exert extra self control, Catra was mumbling things into the kiss. 

"I missed you," and she wound her fingers tightly into Adora's hair. "So fucking much…"

"I'm here."

"And I'm so, mm- fucking proud of you." 

Oh yes, Adora liked that.

"God, Catra-" 

Catra pulled away, still holding either side of Adora's head. 

"I never want to be gone like that again," she said, a little breathless. "I want you to see it."

"I know," Adora giggled. "You were pretty obvious about that." 

Gosh, Catra was always so-

"Well yeah, because I'm serious. I know you've probably already thought about it, but fuck, I'll just say it. I want you to come to New York with me."

Cute.

… Wait.

_Wait._

"Huh?" 

No, no. Adora had not thought about it. It might've crossed her mind once or twice, but the farthest she'd really considered was Catra returning, showing Catra her belt again and… Catra had thought she'd thought about it? Oh, _the photos-_

"Duh!" Her eyes were still sparkling when she kissed Adora again. It was more rough and needy than either of the previous two. She let her hands fall down to rest on Adora's collar. And when she broke that kiss, "isn't that the best plan? You can just come!"

"I mean…"

… Yes. Unsurprisingly, Catra was right yet again. It was technically the perfect opportunity. Old Adora likely would've been salivating at having this choice in front of her. She probably would've said yes on impulse, but surely that was part of the problem. She needed to slow down and think about what moving so far would entail. 

Still, why hadn't Adora thought about it before? 

Whatever the reason was, being presented with this opportunity now caused her to feel the strangest urge to dig her heels into the ground. It wasn't pleasant. Not one bit. 

"Like honestly, what's keeping you here?" Catra tilted her head curiously at Adora's expression. It was a fair one, except- 

_This was too sudden. Way too fast. Straight out of left field._

Yeah. Adora _just_ got a job. Literally this week. Hadn't even started it. Didn't know what to do other than that. She _just_ put everything into motion in a healthy way. She finally felt _just_ enough stability again. Things were going to plan, and this was not part of the plan. Perhaps it should have been, but the fact remained that the prospect of uprooting what little stability she'd made in her life in order to move across the country to one of the busiest cities on Earth was… difficult to wrap her head around. And that was at best. Besides...

"I don't know. It's just, you mean move to a tiny apartment in New York once the semester ends…?" 

Although, wait. That didn't make total sense either, right? She didn't want to leave Catra. She didn't want Catra to leave either. Catra's return was the most amazing thing. What else had Adora expected in terms of options? 

Clearly, Catra had the same question. Her awkward amusement at Adora's reaction was quickly fading. "You weren't thinking about this? How else were we going to stay together?" 

Another excellent question. 

But that had always been a problem for later. A later that was starting to sound an awful lot like now. Now was not going to work, though. It was already giving her a headache. Made her dizzy. She actually had to sit down on the edge of the bed.

"You're right that we need to come up with a plan," Adora said, although she immediately felt dumb.

Because it wasn't like she wanted to work at a grocery store and live a whole plane ride away from Catra. Obviously not. That would be indeed stupid. Imagine that, having a long distance relationship for almost no reason. 

"You could get the same job anywhere," Catra pointed out another factor that supposedly made things simple. 

… Yet Adora couldn't say yes. 

_Move to New York?_

She just couldn't.

_Restart the progress she'd just made?_

Same job, sure.

_She wanted to._

Not same everything else.

_She did, she loved Catra so much…_

And there was Bow, too. Adora would be leaving him behind. She felt like she'd do just about anything for love, but that didn't make this simple. It wasn't simple at all. 

It was beyond overwhelming.

"Well, yes. But .. I haven't thought about it."

"Is that a no?" Catra asked with genuine worry. 

"No," Adora shook her head, then rested it in her hands. "It's… not a no. But can you give me some time? I don't know yet. Even if I said yes, I'd have to change my plans. I'd need to find an apartment with a month by month deal, look for jobs in New York. I need to think on it." 

"Yeah… I uh, yeah. Of course." 

And silence.

Mm.

This…

Obviously had not gone how Catra envisioned.

She shuffled back and forth for a minute before sitting next to Adora and tentatively pulled Adora's hands away from her face and lifted her chin. She was biting her lip in a weak attempt to hide an uncomfortable and sad smile. Her expression sent a sharp pang through Adora's chest

_Why did she have to keep ruining this for Catra?_

"Catra… Please don't be sad," she whispered. "I'm sorry I disappointed you." 

_Why did she have to keep taking things from her?_

"Heh… Yeah. You're kind of confusing sometimes, you uh, you know that?" 

_Damn it…_

"Definitely," and Adora simply had to laugh, too. Just as sadly as Catra was. "God, please don't let me ruin this for you. Please. I want you to be excited. You deserve to be excited."

She deserved everything. 

Catra looked like she was struggling to say something. Whatever words she was trying to speak, they were getting stuck in her throat as they so often did. She started biting her lip again. It was trembling. 

And so, Adora brought her hand to her cheek. A small effort to coax them out. She knew it was hard for Catra to open her heart. "Talk to me…?"

Catra closed her eyes at the contact. "... We're still in this together, right?" 

"Always." Adora even nodded out of reflex.

"I... I…" Catra struggled for another few seconds. "I want a future with you, Adora." 

Adora felt the tears coming. It was a good thing Catra was trying to hide her own and couldn't see. A few were still managing to slip past her defenses, though. Adora brushed them away.

"Oh, Catra. I-"

"Fuck, this is hard. But- but it's not just that," Catra continued. "... Because I want you to want a future with me." 

Adora did. 

She did.

She wanted nothing more than to help Catra see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yippee! Would you believe it if I said this chapter still gave me maple syrup mouth?


	23. How May I Help You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cracks knuckles*
> 
> Why hello there everyone.
> 
> Y'all feeling soft on this softshell Thursday?

_To want to be wanted._

_And..._

_To need to be seen._

Adora could soothe the best she could. Put an arm around Catra to reassure her, hold her hand and whatever else she could think of.

"...You're okay. You're alright. It's time for me to think, that's all it is. This is new, but that doesn't change that I love you."

And sure, Catra could lean into Adora and confirm that those feelings were returned as many times as she liked. 

"I know. I know, and I love you too. I just-..." Adora had still created the divide. It had her desperately thinking for a way to connect lest Catra pull away. Catra had spilled her heart out to her. "I feel like I ruined everything…"

It didn't change that Adora craved nothing more than to reach Catra - and she was starting to worry that she wasn't going to be able to. Trying didn't mean succeeding. They both knew that to be true. Catra had... fallen apart somewhat after her admission. And so?

"You didn't," Adora said for at least the third time.

She was still trying to figure out how to fix this, and if not fix it, stop whatever this was in its tracks. 

_Maybe Adora could insist they go out?_

_Distract her?_

_No…_

_They needed connection, not complete distraction._

_But apart from saying yes, Adora still simply didn't know how to show Catra the truth._

Catra wiped her tears away, red eyes finally open. She was _maybe_ calming herself down, but if so, only just. She looked anything but happy. The fear of rejection was still there. "I even ruined sex, Adora. Things were good. We were- then I- fuck…"

That hadn't been said before.

_What? No, that had been Adora._

"You didn't," Adora repeated once again, words feeling increasingly empty. "You haven't ruined anything." 

_And she had put so much work into fixing that problem, even if they hadn’t yet actually tested it..._

"It feels like I did," Catra sighed. 

_Right, Catra had come back. They'd been kissing. Adora even wanted to and- crap._

Adora immediately found herself shaking her head. She didn't know - but really, she did. Catra's fists were clenched. She wasn't far, but she could get that way. Adora could too. Things could potentially lock up any moment. 

Catra blamed herself. 

Adora blamed herself. 

Neither of them was making any progress. 

That just wouldn't do. 

_Lightbulb._

Perhaps it was out of necessity (because Catra's expression was dimming again in the silence), but her brain finally kicked into more effective action. 

In that moment, it had come to her. Risky. Unsure. Scary. Sent a lump to Adora's throat and struck her with genuine nerves, because if she was wrong-

Adora's shaky hands wandered back up to Catra's face, and she felt her heart beating in her chest like a drum. "I know I can't fix... this, not right now. But I want to fix something, if that's okay."

"What?" 

"I mean..." Adora bit her lip. 

No, sex was no solution, but intimacy could help if- if she did it well. If they connected again. And if she started to feel wrong, then she'd stop. She'd just be careful. Catra had gone so long without anything. Adora wanted to give her something. Anything at all. 

_Something to show her love._

Because Adora didn't have an answer besides love. Adora didn't have a fix besides love. She didn't have solutions to her own life… not besides love, anyways. 

"Look," Adora unfurled one of Catra's clenched fists to hold it. "It feels like you were hoping we'd have sex after I agreed, right?"

Catra nodded. "Yeah…"

"Well, so was I, honestly. I want to, Catra. I'm the one that ruined it. We already practiced a lot without actually doing anything. And you just got back from the best trip of your life. I want- I want to share something with you, and I think… I think maybe this could be a good thing to share. If you're comfortable with it."

"You don't have to," Catra said. She looked small and sad. Afraid and disbelieving. "I don't want you to feel obligated." 

"I wouldn't do something I didn't want. I want you, Catra. I've been thinking about it. I know I can't give you everything right now, but let me give you this? I know it's only half of what you wanted… still, though." 

Catra swallowed hard. "Aren't you worried you'll get angry again…?"

_… Digging up the seeds of doubt she'd laid in Catra's mind was another thing that needed doing._

"Yeah, I am a little," Adora admitted. There was no point in lying about the lump in her own throat. "But I wasn't before. Maybe… maybe that was the problem. I know myself. I know that I want you." 

It probably didn't take long, but it felt long before Catra nodded in hesitant understanding. "You're… you're sure…?"

"Yes. Super sure."

And Catra had agreed, just like that. She was still open. Still raw. They stared at each other as a now flummoxed Adora considered what she'd just done. She hadn't necessarily expected her suggestion to go anywhere. Here they were, probably both still on the verge of tears and desperate to reconnect. It wasn't an easy transition. 

_This required a special kind of softness. A specific kind of attention._

It took Adora a second to realize that Catra was waiting for her to direct the situation. Once she did, she gave a tiny start, then chose to pick up the luggage on the bed and drop it on the side to make room. 

Then they were back to the real issue: where to begin. 

Keeping that softness in mind, Adora tentatively decided the best way to start was kindly, just like it was the best way to end. She kissed Catra. This one aimed more to reassure than anything else. She was careful not to let her hands wander to tease. She wanted to feel Catra. To comfort her out of this place forever and ever.

And Adora did. She did at least feel Catra through the kiss. By the time she pulled away, Catra's eyes reflected cautious hope, though they were still sad. They were also endlessly wanting, like the kiss, and fearful that her want wouldn't be reciprocated. It was as if Adora had kept a reward away from her. In a way, Adora supposed she had. 

_This time, like so many others, was about Catra. What Catra wanted and needed._

"Do you still want me to take the lead?"

_And whatever Adora could give._

"If that's... okay with you, yeah." 

_Everything Adora could give._

"Take your top off?" 

_That was what grounded her._

Catra obliged. She even stood up to pull down and kick off her pants. She still looked nervous. When she got to removing her undergarments, Adora remembered to join her and rose to her feet as well. 

Once they were both fully undressed, she hesitated for the smallest of moments before motioning back to the bed. She had to be diligent about this. "Now lie down for me." 

Catra did. She scooted back until she was propped up slightly on several pillows. Adora climbed into bed after her, carefully crawling up to meet her near the headboard and kiss her again. She let Catra drink in as much as she desired, not breaking for breath or moan. Only when Catra decided she wanted to progress did Adora lean in to leave a few soft kisses on her neck.

"Are you still okay?"

"Yes," Catra murmured, continuing to sound remarkably fragile. 

"Not afraid?"

"No."

After that, Adora moved precisely. Because if she couldn't help Catra hear her love, then she needed to help her feel it as completely as possible. 

Her touch remained tender and deliberate. She gave an abundance of attention to Catra's breasts. At first the response was relatively quiet, although Adora did her best to pay it no mind. Her hand moved down to help Catra warm up, touches as soft and slow as they could be. 

_She had been right._

_She discovered wetness there._

_Catra had been honest when she admitted she'd been expecting this._

_Or… yes, hoping._

With those carefully measured movements, whimpers arrived. Catra couldn't stifle them. They sounded closer to sobs than anything else, so Adora looked up to make sure Catra remained with her. She was. She was staring at Adora, eyes filled with vulnerability. 

Adora returned to her breasts. She stayed there until Catra finally gave in and mumbled for something harder. Progress. Adora left several painful hickeys there to partially satisfy her desires. 

Then, further. All the way down until she was nestled between Catra's legs. She helped Catra position them over her shoulders, then brushed back a stray strand of hair that had come loose during the process. 

Adora checked in on Catra, then herself, once again methodically searching for anything that might've been off. She needed to exercise proper restraint here. She couldn't afford to be screwing anything else up. 

She reminded herself of that when she locked eyes with Catra, who still didn't look like she quite believed the afternoon tears had brought her this. Adora wanted to make it everything it could be and more. She let her mouth hover just above Catra, fully aware of the effect her breath had.

_No, it couldn’t fix everything._

_But…_

Adora closed her eyes for a moment and finally began, her lips surrounding Catra and tongue delicately testing. The immediate moan from above was good. Very good. It was all already falling into place. 

Adora laced an arm around one of Catra's thighs to hold it steady, stroking it as she started to explore with more confidence, moving her attention to Catra's clit and lightly sucking on it. It was everything she knew and everything she missed. 

_Catra tasted so familiar._

_Like relief._

_It had been so long._

And if that thought alone wasn't evidence enough, Catra was sensitive. So sensitive to each touch. Each movement. Adora could push her over almost instantly if she were so inclined, but she wasn't. 

It didn't take much time at all before the desperate demands started up. Catra latched on to Adora's ponytail, her rough grip strength seemingly intent on ruining it as quickly as possible. Harder, Catra always wanted harder. She wanted to grind. The way she moved her hips made that clear.

Adora was no stranger to that demand, but she was not going to allow that.

She just wasn't going to do it. 

No, Adora was going to take her time to make sure everything was perfect. 

She pulled away for a moment to tell Catra no, to be patient and wait. To be so very good, then she'd get what she wanted. All she had to do was let Adora take care of it.

 _Please._

Whether or not Catra intended on listening quickly became unimportant. Adora knew her too well. Soon enough, her demands turned breathless. Her self control was failing and she began to squirm without abandon. Adora felt a stab of heat go through her own body the first time Catra's hips unexpectedly bucked - and it was almost enough to stop her until she realized exactly what it was. 

_Oh._

_Yes._

Adora felt herself fill with fuzzy excitement. 

_God, yes._

_It thrilled her._

It was just enough that she caved and silently moved her other hand down to slip two fingers inside herself as she continued to eat Catra out. Catra didn't need to please her - she had been nervous, after all. Sad. It would be downright unfair of Adora to ask such a thing of her. No, Catra didn't need to deal with her right now, not when Adora could so easily take care of the edge herself. 

_She was not going to finish before Catra, though. If at all. Catra was the real priority._

Catra, who had now successfully pulled Adora's ponytail apart. Catra, who somehow wasn't being difficult for the fun of it. Wasn't even managing to beg as Adora worked to please her. 

Her reactions were anything but stifled, however. 

It was all on her face. Strained. 

In her utterances, too. 

_"Fuck, fuck fuckfuck…"_

In how she tried her very hardest to keep her body from jerking, yet failed miserably. 

And in how she was struggling to maintain eye contact with Adora. She wouldn't give that one up, though. Adora knew Catra wanted her to watch. She wanted Adora to see every muscle twitch and feel every moment burn.

She succeeded in that. 

Within seconds of that intense stare, Adora felt the telltale tensing of Catra's thighs, but she didn't dare to pull away. She ran her tongue across Catra's folds as forcefully as she could consistently manage, finally giving in and keeping with the relentless pace Catra always craved. She relished the sounds she was rewarded with. Happy… that she could still elicit them. Make her feel better. 

Adora didn't stop until Catra was thoroughly spent - her focus was entirely fixed on her.

When that happened, Catra released Adora's hair and let her hand fall limply to the side. Only then did Adora pull her mouth away to look at what she'd done. She brimmed with adoration. Catra was perfect from all angles, but this one especially so.

_Yes… Adora had missed this._

_She felt a familiar pride bloom in her chest._

_And more warmth._

_The good kind._

_Maybe this really would help them both._

Adora was so distracted by the sight before her, she even forgot she was still technically touching herself. It was so light, and besides, she was more than happy to watch Catra's reactions from her position. She smiled up at Catra, hoping she might be rewarded with a tired scoff, or perhaps an elusive blush. 

She received neither. 

"Wait-" Catra panted out all of a sudden, still not fully together yet. She was watching Adora back, yes, but she wasn't watching her smile. She was specifically staring at where Adora's hand had disappeared to. There was a surprising amount of focus displayed on her face. The sadness was gone for the moment, at least, having been replaced by something much different. 

"Catra...?"

"I want to. I want," Catra pulled Adora's hand away from her forgotten ministrations, then she guided Adora up from between her thighs and her body simply by lifting her chin and giving it a suggestive tug. She only stopped when Adora was hovering over her face, palms flat on either side of her. It was a familiar position. "To do it with you." 

But that was not a familiar ask.

"... With me?"

Catra snaked one hand up to the back of Adora's head and let the other slide down to just above her sex. "Please?"

_It clicked in an instant. With her._

"Oh… yeah. I mean, yes. You can." Adora slowly nodded, biting her lip.

_Catra really wanted to...?_

Just as slowly, and with Adora still frozen a few inches above her, Catra slid a finger inside Adora. The moment she did, Adora let herself fall on top of Catra's body, unexpectedly pushing Catra further than she anticipated. It pulled a choked laugh from her chest. From her new position, her lips easily connected with Catra's throat. She felt an inaudible rumble that revealed Catra's hesitant amusement. 

_Yeah, Catra really wanted to._

"Hey, you good?"

"Just surprised myself," Adora smiled into Catra's neck. 

It lasted a split second, but then the seriousness returned in full force. The bedroom was quiet. 

Adora had to take several seconds to fully adjust to the change before lifting her hips ever so slightly so that her hand could join Catra's, pushing one of her own fingers inside herself. 

She just had to shudder at the sensation. 

_Because, ah..._

_That..._

_That Catra was right there._

_Adora could feel her._

_It was exquisite._

_Better than Adora could've ever imagined._

_Not that she had really imagined it…_

_She should've._

Neither of them moved at first. Just waited for things to settle. Let the silence comfort. It was acutely intimate and vulnerable in a way that was entirely unprecedented, and it certainly wouldn't be the easiest to work it. Even so Adora felt her heart begin to flutter in a way she didn't think she'd felt before. Perhaps she shouldn't have been surprised by this. Catra always showed her new things.

New ways to think.

 _To feel._

"I love you," she whispered, hoping the truth behind her words came through clear and unclouded by the situation they were in. 

They seemed to. Catra started pressing even deeper into heat, albeit slowly. "I love you too." 

_Her tone was achingly tender. Entirely pure._

Adora followed suit to ensure they'd keep the same rhythm. It wasn't at all like what they were used to. It was practically leisurely, and yet each steady thrust sent the most pleasurable waves through Adora's body. The near silence was deafening. It was all so overwhelming. She felt like she could feel Catra's heart, and honestly, she probably could. It almost had her crying again. She couldn't get over the fact that she could feel them work together, either. _Together, together like this…_

Adora focused in on that beat as she took a firmer lead and carefully began to increase their combined pace. 

"More," she commanded as gently as she could. "I want- that- yes…" 

Adora lightly bit down on Catra's shoulder to muffle a moan when Catra added another finger. She dearly wanted to kiss her, but she couldn't find the strength to raise her head. Instead, she contented herself with Catra's chest instead as they worked together to bring her closer and closer to the edge. 

"You're so amazing," Adora whimpered. 

Catra let out a soft, almost surprised sounding breath.

It encouraged Adora. "Beautiful. And you're perfect. So-" which in turn urged Catra on, and they both hit a simply wondrous spot that momentarily forced Adora to clench her jaw shut through a strangled sob. The pressure was building. No matter how she tried, her own pace was quickly growing more and more erratic. "... Ah- I-I love how h-happy you've been about things lately…" 

She was barely keeping her own with Catra.

"I want to be- _ahh_ happy with y-you."

Catra's free hand rested on the back of Adora's head, running through her hair, almost caressing her. God...

"I-I do want it, Catra." 

"You can," she breathed back. "I love you."

"I swear. I s-swear I do."

"You can let go, Adora." 

_"I do."_

Adora did. 

She was certain she really was crying when finally tumbled over the cliff. Her muscles tensed. Her own hand stopped cooperating, fingers entirely limp. But Catra kept going at a steady rhythm, working her through each short gasp and heavy shudder. 

Catra stopped moving only after the orgasm had run its course. That left Adora on top of her, shivering less from the physicality of it all and more from the closeness. 

She didn't want to leave their position. Never. An inch away would be too much distance, so she stayed. The furthest she went was pulling her still slick finger out and resting her hand on the bed. Catra didn't seem to want to move either, because removing her fingers was as far as she got as well.

Neither teased the other. There was no banter. Whatever check in they were having was entirely nonverbal. Adora didn't even consider rolling over so they could both settle into their usual spooning position. She simply laid there, feeling Catra's body meld to her own and silently holding back tears. 

It was a strange, sad, yet wonderfully warm sensation. There was no hint of the anger she'd been afraid of. There hadn't been the whole time. 

She felt like she felt Catra.

Truly... felt her.

And if the shaky breaths said anything about how Catra was feeling, Adora had a feeling that Catra was in much the same place. 

\---

The contrast could not be more stark. 

The first day. 

The first real one, anyway. 

They took as little time as possible training her. They pushed her out on her own as fast as they could. That was fine. 

_Although it was rather..._

_Mindless._

Mindless squeaky clean floors and fluorescent bulbs to illuminate them. Aisle after aisle, kind of like a little world. Adora never explicitly… disliked it. It was almost a kind of true neutral. 

You had to move to be a shelf stocker. You had to be organized. You had to not accidentally topple over that pyramid of soda boxes you were oh so carefully trying to build. 

She remembered that helping people had been nice enough. Sometimes. For every three or so rude people would be someone who was genuinely grateful, and that was a ratio Adora could live with. When she was younger, there were even times she somewhat enjoyed it. 

It was really all very familiar. Easy to get back into. 

That was perhaps the biggest worry, honestly. 

It was almost exactly the same. 

"Hey there." 

Adora looked up in surprise, almost dropping the box she was holding when she saw who had greeted her. Of course Catra had come to visit. Of course she did, and of course Adora found herself sorely regretting her wish. Catra was good, great - and so was having a job, but literally everything else about this situation was less great. 

No, Adora hadn't felt so embarrassed in a while. She was happy Catra had stopped by, but it was just... yeah…

Not quite the same in reality as compared to her fantasy. 

She had to get over that embarrassment. That was for sure. Embarrassment was no reason to become disconnected. 

"Oh, hey." 

"So," Catra tilted her head, pausing one single second too long, "this is it?"

_A lingering consequence of her failed attempt at getting Adora to move to New York…?_

_Or more about popping by unexpectedly and facing the reality of Adora's new job?_

Whatever it was, Adora reminded herself, at least they were actually doing pretty well at interacting normally outside that New York awkwardness - likely courtesy of the whole reestablishing sexual intimacy deal. Catra had (correctly) decided that she hadn’t been rejected and thus remained open. Backed away from the subject so far. In turn, Adora had remained trying. Hadn't broached the subject again. Thankfully, neither of them were angry. More thankfully, neither of them were cold. 

The space had given her a lot of time to think. Imagine her life where she was as well as in New York. Both were still headache inducing, to be honest. 

"This is it," Adora tried to shrug off what remained of the self-conscious heat in her cheeks. "Ask me for something? I've got ten minutes left."

"What's farthest?" 

"From here? Uhh," she had to look around, craning her neck to get a good look at the other end of the store. "The deli section."

"Then to the deli it is." 

_Hah, they were back to this already. It was almost funny…_

"One of these days you're going to be working and I'm going to bother you," Adora warned half heartedly as she put the box she was holding in place. 

_What a glorious day that would be._

It gave them both something to work off of as they started moving. "That'll be a dream come true."

Adora didn't dare look directly at Catra. She kept her gaze firmly ahead. And her pace, actually. That was about two steps ahead. She was supposed to be _helping_ Catra, after all. 

That didn't mean she couldn't continue to quietly tease. It wasn’t as effective as holding Catra’s hand or continuing to positively utilize physical contact in some other way, but working on talking was perfectly good in its own right. "I promise I will. I'm starting to see a theme,” she tapped her chin knowingly, “you always show up and distract me."

"I'm just a lost customer, thanks." 

"Uh huh, sure." 

"Who is also behaving herself. Also, uh... can I come over again tonight?" Catra asked in a much lower voice as they continued to walk. "I took the bus, kind of figured I could go back with you. I wanted to be here for you."

 _Mm, sweet._

"Yeah, but it won't be immediately. I can't go back for another half hour after I'm done. I'm banished."

"From your own house?" 

"It's a house tour day," Adora explained. "I even had to take off all the stickies."

"That sucks." 

That was an understatement. Adora even bought a dumb book thing to put all of them in. Organized them by color and room so she could reapply them as soon as possible. She should've foreseen that happening, but eh. 

And they were at the deli. That was fast. 

She pointed out this and that as Catra surreptitiously guided them to a corner with prepackaged meats. 

"What are you doing not making up work, anyways?" Adora asked once they came to a halt.

"I already brought some with me," Catra said, grabbing a package of sausage without so much as looking at it. "Should I wait outside?"

"Unless you want me to walk you all the way over to dairy." 

"I'm good. Thanks for the help." 

"Sure thing."

Then Catra was gone. Adora gave herself twenty seconds to sigh out the day's dullness, running one hand through her hair and resting the other on her hip.

Okay.

Back to soda pyramids.

It was only ten minutes. 

At least she'd see Catra soon.

And Catra was indeed waiting when Adora finished. Right outside, looking a little sheepishly at the sausage she had committed to purchasing. It was turkey sausage, oh no. It wasn't like it couldn't be refrigerated any time soon, either. If Adora weren't so tired, she might've actually giggled. 

She prepared to greet Catra and-

"Sorry for bossing you around," was the first thing that came out of Catra's mouth. 

All that caused was a raised eyebrow. "I think you get a pass whenever being bossed around is my job. I did ask you to give me something to do."

"Job, yeah…" Catra eyed her up and down. "I like your uniform." 

"Hah, well. I'm glad you do, because I feel very minimum wage," Adora tugged at the collar of her very blue and very branded polo shirt, self-consciousness twinging back into existence for the briefest moment.

Catra looked a tad guilty at that, so Adora suggested that sit right outside on the curb for a few minutes to wait for that half hour to pass. 

True to her word, Catra pulled out a notebook from her back so she could pass the time studying. Apparently, she had a quiz she had to make up. She'd requested to take it early and was denied. She was not too happy about it, so her wrathful grumblings revealed. 

_There it was. Outside of work and New York, things really were normal._

Adora rested her head on her shoulder and looked down at Catra's notebook. She realized that she hadn't actually seen Catra's notes before. They were roughly what you'd expect, well organized and precise. What was more unexpected were the occasional boredom fueled scrawls and drawings on the margins. Okay, so lots of people did that. Adora had done that. It was just that Catra was so meticulous about classes that doodling didn't really seem like her. But there they were, and they weren't bad, either! It was cute. 

It was also… nice that Catra could still surprise her in little ways. It wasn't even intentional. Adora watched Catra review for several more minutes, her mind wandering deeper and deeper onto different tracks. Eventually, it settled on a very predictable one. 

_Because at that very moment, things were perfect._

Adora did like that. It wouldn't last forever, nothing in life could - but she was guaranteed at least half an hour of this. 

And if she wanted more? 

_Well, New York would be expensive._

The thought was a sudden addition, but hardly unexpected. It had been stuck in her mind since their first talk. 

_Adora didn't know how to pay for any of it without having something lined up…_

That issue was bound to come up. Again and again. 

_Then again, did she really want to get left behind just because it was easier to think about? Because working… here was simpler?_

That feeling, too. She knew she shouldn't push it away like she had been.

_It didn't have to be so black and white, right…? Or maybe that wasn't it, maybe everything felt grey._

So, she decided not to push it away. And when she made that decision, Adora found she couldn't help herself. "What do you want, anyways?" 

"What do I want?" 

"You said you want a future with me. What specifically about me? About us?" 

"Okay. That's a big question. But uh, sure. I want…" Catra closed her textbook. "All the dumb shit. I don't want our stupid on again off again schedule with me coming over. I want to see you every day, eat with you, sleep with you even if it's in some crappy cramped apartment in the most chaotic city on the planet. I love you. I'd spend my whole life like that. Like… If it's anyone, it's you, Adora." 

It was Adora.

Adora shouldn't have been surprised by the answer. Catra had been so transparent. 

Yet somehow, she still was. 

Like she couldn't believe it. 

"You even made me rethink my views on that scam called marriage," Catra added with a small laugh. 

And Adora wouldn't necessarily say that- _huh?_ She jerked her head off Catra's shoulder so fast it practically cracked. Ow!

"Yeah! Yeah. Right, um…"

"What else?" Catra observed her with an amused expression. 

"Yeah- so, do you want to live in New York forever?"

"Forever? I mean, I like it, but I don't care where I live long term. I'll… I'll come back here if you stay. Someday." 

_Oh, holy crap._

Catra really loved her. Catra _really_ loved her. Adora could feel it radiating off her. How did that fact always electrify her so much? She had to remind herself that she wanted open - and this was open. Once she settled down from the first jolt, they went back and forth on various issues like that for several minutes. 

_"Kids?"_

_"You're really getting serious now."_

_"Aren't you?"_

_"Sure, but I haven't graduated and you work at a grocery store. Try again later."_

Some topics were obviously more successful than others, but all were good. Fun, even. 

Catra never asked the return question about the future. Maybe she was still too nervous for that after confessing she wanted Adora to share her desires. 

Or maybe there was no point in yet. Adora's thought process probably showed on her face clear as anything else.

That didn't mean Adora wasn't trying to work it out so it ended up that way. She felt significantly better than when she was working. She didn't feel upset at all by the time a half an hour had passed. 

More importantly, however, she had at least sorted out one thing during the calm of the conversation: she… she decided she really didn't want to get left behind. 

_What exactly that would mean for her, she didn't yet know._

But when Catra helped to pull Adora to her feet, Adora couldn't deny it. Hours of thinking and minutes of talking couldn't lie to her. Hopefully a few more hours and a few more minutes more would help. Still, that was enough for the moment. 

She wrapped an arm around Catra's shoulders and leaned into her, almost tipping her over.

"Carry me?"

Oh, yeah.

She definitely wasn't going to admit her feet hurt.

"You're heavy. Stop being dramatic," Catra teased. 

_She seemed to feel better as well. She looked like she'd just seen something wonderful, strangely enough. That was reassuring._

"I carried you inside when you got drunk right before Christmas break, you know. I never complained."

Catra rolled her eyes. "You definitely did not. I don't remember that." 

"You think you _walked_ in?" 

"I'm a very well put together drunk, thanks."

"Says who?" Adora asked, adding a tsk for emphasis. 

"Says everyone." 

Once they got to the car, Catra was still kind enough to offer to drive them both back. She did it like it annoyed her. Adora knew better. She really was grateful. 

She pulled on her belt. "How much work do you have to do to catch up?"

"I'll show you by ignoring you for six hours when we get back. Then again the next time I come over." 

_That sure sounded like a lot._

And if Adora's mental math was right, "I'll be asleep by the time you stop." 

"Yeah,” Catra’s tone finally dipped into softness, “but I'll still be there." 

It made Adora smile. "I know you will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *brushes teeth clean of maple syrup esp from the end*


	24. Honey and Thyme

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at the thyme? Softshell Thursday is here!

“Hey, slowpoke. I got here before you. Are you okay?”

Catra stood just inside, leaning against the door frame with arms crossed. The evening light gave her a special kind of glow.

“Mhm, fine,” Adora assured.

She paused to greet Catra with a tender kiss. It was a habit no matter who arrived home first. It happened the same way each day; hell, it was even on Adora's list. Catra placed a hand on Adora's cheek to hold her a moment longer, but they parted soon enough.

It sent a warm and familiar tingle through Adora's chest. 

_Privately, she was still trying to picture her future, still trying to ensure they would be as okay as they had been lately._

_And... God, she also still didn't want to get left behind. That feeling had only grown in strength. An objective she desired, but one that was clouded in the fog._

_Yes. She yearned to go to New York with Catra, but the fact remained that she had continued to be unsure about whether or not she could make it work. It was so ambitious._

Catra looked down at the groceries in Adora’s hand, an eyebrow raised. “There more?”

“Yeah, but I can grab them.”

“It’s fine.”

She then slid past to head to the car despite Adora’s insistence that she didn’t need to. Secretly, Adora was grateful for the help. A few weeks and everything was much the same, if not better. No pressure. More thinking. No upset. More work. 

Although, time had taught her that she'd sorely been wrong about something: soreness. 

She hadn't noticed it the first few days. She was now. More specifically, she was feeling it. 

_Ow._

Like, who did this? Did Adora do this to herself? Who was she?

“Did we need to go shopping yet?” Catra asked from the front door as she returned with the rest. 

"I spent an hour and a half in the freezer section today,” Adora called back. “It got me thinking, I guess.”

"Yeah?”

"I know it costs more, but no frozen food. Not this week, at least. I want to eat fresh." 

Catra came in and set the food down on the island. “Ouch. I’m heartbroken.”

She had been around a lot again. Compared to the mess that came before Adora was fired, this experience was far more enjoyable. Catra could put an end to the chaos and be peaceful. She could curl up and do her homework. She could also be less peaceful. Either way, Adora liked it. 

Although, she hesitated to think it, let alone say it… but was Catra actually _domestic?_ She damn near wanted to spend every minute with Adora. And that- that made sense, especially with the future looking ahead. But like, honestly domestic. More than ever before.

Adora pulled up a recipe for honey and thyme chicken with a side of rice, fished out the necessary chicken and started preparing the stove. Nothing too complicated, but hey, fresh was the goal. Something that wasn't so cardboard. 

"You look pretty beat," Catra observed. To be fair, she didn't look any better. Sure, a good mood, but she was yet to finish up the last of the work she'd missed and her sleep schedule had yet to return to its normal level of poor. 

She still took the time to tease, though. Catra's hands slowly slid down until they rested on Adora's hips. It was clear what she was getting at.

_More happiness._

"Don't distract me too much," Adora smiled. 

"No?"

"Yeah, be careful or I might accidentally set myself on fire. I'm tired so it could happen."

"No way." 

"I set myself on fire, really." 

_"What."_ Catra obviously could not believe her ears.

"Twice. Both times like this. It was back when I was learning."

"How do you even do that?"

Adora replayed the events that led up to the both experiences. As always, she came up with nothing. _Scary, right?_

"That's… a very good question,” she chuckled. 

"That's it. You're a fire hazard and I'm cooking." 

Catra might've just been teasing, but that didn't stop Adora dramatically from stepping out of the way. Catra looked down at the work that needed to be done and went a little pale. Her expression went blank. Soon enough, however, she gathered herself. She seemingly committed to her decision by dramatically pulling out one of Adora's larger knives, her eyes glinting rather dangerously. 

Adora stood next to her and gave her a concerned nudge. "I can help, you know. I was just messing with you." 

"Nah," Catra's gaze traveled down the blade in that familiar and dangerous manner. "I'm good if I follow the recipe. Just talk to me?"

"You sure? You've never made this before, right?"

"I got it," Catra pointed the knife a little too directly at Adora's chest, then spun it around much too casually to be safe. She put it back down on the counter and pulled thyme out of the spice rack. "Have some faith in me. It might even be fun."

"Okay, okay, letting you… have your fun."

_Catra cooking a whole meal herself. Imagine that. But maybe with an apron next time? And less scary knife holding?_

_Although…_

_Adora had certainly done some scary knife holding back in the day._

Adora left her phone with the recipe next to the stove, then leaned back against the island. "Thanks for helping, anyway." 

"It's all good. So, you sure you’re okay?" 

"I guess I'm feeling a little stressed today," she admitted while kicking off her shoes. 

She'd forgotten on the way in. 

"What happened?" 

"Well, I'm pretty tired. But also my manager was getting on me all shift. It only started a couple days ago, but it's like I'm supposed to be everywhere doing everything at once. It's… nothing worth complaining about."

"No, say whatever the fuck you want." 

Adora went between complaining and being quiet. But Catra had given her permission. 

"Like- okay, it's go there, help those people and be nicer, stack six dozen of these in two minutes. I can't do everything all the time. I'm not perfect. I mean, I can try and- and I am trying, but um… I can't. I wish he'd cut me some slack." 

Catra had spent more than enough time in Adora's kitchen that she didn't need to ask for directions on where to find things. She sure didn't need to ask how to help Adora. 

She put everything she was holding down, turned around, held onto Adora's hands and in the sincerest voice she had ever used, promised to murder that man should Adora ask.

Adora burst into laughter. 

After that, cooking didn't take that much longer than usual.

Adora did sink down to a sitting position on the floor for a while as they talked. Not sadness, just soreness. 

No dining table meant that more often than not, they were on the couch these days. (Or since things were pleasant during the day, sometimes Adora would take her food outside when she was alone and felt the need to escape the house.)

Catra insisted on making Adora's plate, then they went to the living room and settled side by side. Adora was leaning into Catra today. 

At the perfectly timed growl of her stomach, Adora stabbed a piece of chicken and brought it to her mouth.

And…

And-

_What._

"Oh my God, that's delicious."

It was at least twice as good as whenever she first made it. It had that magic that good cooks could put into any meal. _Love, maybe?_ Whatever it was, it was amazing. 

Catra was staring at her with skepticism. "You're fucking with me." 

"I swear I'm not. Try it!" 

"Seriously?" But her eyes went wide as she also tried her creation. For a few seconds, she was actually speechless. "I can cook," and then she caught herself. "I mean- duh, of course I can cook." 

"For real! You have natural talent. Wow, you're obviously the cook now," Adora teased. 

Pure joy spread across Catra's face. Bright as the sun. Then it vanished. "Wait, no. Hold on. I am not the cook." 

"Mmm, you definitely are. I'm a fire hazard, right?"

This was not the first time Catra had helped, but it was the first time she'd done something all on her own. Even when Adora broke her hand, it had mostly been Catra arranging takeout. And like- no, it wasn't the most complicated thing in the world, but-

"No, I'm seriously not-... Fuck, it's not even dry," Catra murmured to herself with renewed disbelief. "Holy fuck…" 

Adora put her plate on the nearest armrest and kissed her, giggling throughout and breaking only to repeat that yes, Catra was actually the real cook. Catra's own food was in a very precarious position until they parted and the plate was placed on the other armrest. 

They looked at each other with soft eyes. Adora laid back so Catra was on top of her. 

"Hi," Adora whispered. She had to bite her lip to hold back more giggles.

_Yup, Catra was getting an apron. This experience decided it. There was no escape._

Catra rested her head on Adora's chest and let out a contented sigh. "Hey, dummy."

"... I really do appreciate that you made dinner.”

“Don’t act so surprised.”

“I’m not surprised,” Adora smiled. The day's weariness had become less of a bore and more of a blanket here with Catra in her arms. “Just grateful. And like… I want you to know how happy you make me.”

"... Fuck, I love you."

\--- 

Apparently unsurprisingly, Catra’s trend of helping in uh, genuinely helpful ways continued beyond cooking. Perhaps it had been Adora's heartfelt expression of appreciation, but even grumpy Catra was extra vigilant. 

"Yeah, your ladder's not stable,” Catra’s flat voice came from below. 

_Which made Adora even happier, especially since there was more to do now the weather was warmer._

Adora looked down. She felt a smile spread across her face at the sight of her girlfriend. "It's stable. I checked.”

"Okay, idiot. Why's it moving so much then?"

Still beaming, Adora dropped a clump of what once had been decaying leaves and sticks (now entirely unrecognizable muck due to winter) down onto Catra's head. 

And oh wow, Catra damn near yelled. Whoops! “Wow! Fuck you. You're going to die, I swear to fuck."

Hm… and okay, yes. The ladder was actually pretty wobbly. Bad call on the teasing. 

"Sorry, sorry," Adora carefully climbed down the ladder and back onto firm ground, trash bag in hand. With her other, she brushed the mess off Catra's head. "It's nice of you to drop by."

"Is this what you're doing today? Being an asshole?”

“I took notes from you," she gave Catra her most dazzling smile, hoping it might soften her. It did. "More seriously, apparently some gardener looked at the house and told the realtor the hose pressure was off.”

Catra’s eyes flitted between Adora, the ladder, and the hose that was at least fifteen feet away. “Okay… so some random person added to your water bill.””

"Uh, I guess,” Adora scratched her head. “There was that. And then I was first back here, I saw the weeds-” which were still there, “so I decided I’d deal with them, but then-”

"Adora."

"Yeah?"

"Here. How'd you even end up-" Catra tapped the ladder with her foot, "-on this in the first place?" 

Well now, that was a fair question. Adora felt her smile turn sheepish. She ran a hand through her hair in a vague effort to combat it. Dug her feet into the dirt. "Um… I saw a leaf fall and I looked up. There was a stick jutting out…"

"You- okay, right. I'm going to go inside for a sec. Don't… go back up yet, please. I'll come out in a sec and make you don't actually fall."

_Oh???_

“Really?” Adora felt like her heart was about to burst.

"Oh shut up. I'll kick the ladder when I get back and you're up there again," Catra warned. "I'll kick it hard."

"You wouldn't," Adora stuck her tongue out in reply. "You’re a softie.”

“Like hell I am. I sure fucking would."

“Five bucks says you won't do it.”

Catra’s eyes narrowed. 

She clenched her fists menacingly.

She walked back inside.

And when she returned and Adora ascended the ladder once more...?

She didn’t do it.

_Adorable._

But that little bet had changed something between them. She certainly did want to win at whatever they were doing whenever Adora’s life wasn’t actually at stake. Adora had not known what she was getting herself into by indulging Catra, but she quickly found that sharing responsibilities was possibly the best thing they’d ever done. 

Bets became dares. Dares became challenges. Games.

The games themselves were adorable. Adora certainly found them delightful. They gave her something to look forward to, consistently breaking down the monotony of life into bite sized chunks of joy. Some part of Adora got used to this reality. The habitual closeness and fun made it easier not to worry so much about the future. It even made living in the house feel more bearable, so perhaps it was just what they both needed. 

After several days of swapping cash back and forth, Adora suggested that perhaps they avoid monetary rewards for reasons. Then they were both forced to come up with more creative incentives. 

_"If I finish these first," Catra began, gesturing at her half of the dishes they'd both neglected for several days. Her expression was devilish. "I get to ride your face and I can finally eat my stupid fucking pizza rolls for dinner."_

_Oh, come on._

_That was hardly daunting._

_Adora had way more dish game than Catra had._

_She agreed to those terms with a vigorous nod._

_"And if I win,” she grinned just as evilly. “You cook dinner."_

Those became the standard stakes. Those or something similar. Catra chose increasingly obscene sexual activities as her reward, and Adora- well, Adora always chose cooking. Because each successive win made Catra freaking growl.

Adora was excited to come home every day. The only thing she let keep her out was judo, which she had happily resumed once she'd bought her gi (and she was really trying to get Lonnie to be her friend). It increased her soreness tenfold but by that point, she didn't mind at all. 

Seriously. The windows needed cleaning to keep the house looking nice for potential buyers? Well firstly, Catra found each squeaky scrub highly annoying. Secondly, she was certain she could clean more panes than Adora, if only to shut all the awful noises up faster. 

Hah.

Hardly. 

_Catra wasn't a window cleaning expert either._

Oh!

And if the HOA was giving Adora crap about a couple of saplings she hadn’t even realized were growing in the backyard? That was another challenge, this time with a handsaw and a stopwatch. 

… By the end of that one, Adora may have forgotten that Catra regularly swung baseball bats.

And about that fact might've affected her strength. 

_Oops._

Soon enough, the challenges even expanded into much stupider, much more fun territory than mere chores.

Waking up was awful, especially for Catra. Adora almost always woke up before her. Could Catra get up earlier at least three times in a row? Pfft, she knew how that would go, because it was Ado- _Catra?_

Catra.

Catra won. 

Adora rewarded her handsomely for her efforts. Well hey, at least she didn’t even have to get out of bed.

Perhaps that experience fueled something in Catra. As per Catra’s request, the challenges themselves quickly became sexual. 

For example, standard car washes were dull to sit through. Could Adora get Catra off within the minute of soap induced privacy they were granted? Well, Catra sure teased that she couldn’t. After briefly revisiting their discussion about the feasibility of car sex… the answer was actually yes. 

Yes, Adora could. 

_Barely._

Despite a choice few failures on Adora's part, Catra had only ridden Adora's face four or five times by the time the gutters were clear, the weeds were pulled, the lawn was mowed, the windows were cleaned, and the remaining furniture was dusted. All of the chores had been done very efficiently, Adora would add. 

She was still plenty sore, although now it was a good sore. She felt like a real winner! 

She especially felt like one each time she found Catra in her arms.

… Then again, as Adora discovered one fine evening, perhaps she should've let Catra win one or two times more than she had.

_Maybe she'd gotten a little too competitive._

"I don't want to cook anymore," Catra said through gritted teeth. 

Her eye was downright twitching. She looked rather unstable standing there, signature butcher knife in hand and wearing an apron. 

_Yes. Adora had really bought her one. She simply had to. It had flowers on it._

_Catra hated it._

_But she still wore it._

_Aw!_

"Darn, did I go too far?" Adora laughed as she carefully pried the knife from Catra's fingers. "You don't have to. I can, just say the word." 

It wouldn't be as good, but Adora sure would try.

Each and every one of Catra's meals had been simply wonderful… and it made no sense. None at all. She was so leisurely in the kitchen. She even played music, something that Adora couldn't do without risking becoming unfocused. 

"No," Catra shook her head, looking down at the turkey as if it were prey. "I said I would. I will. And it'll be fucking great. It doesn't get to beat me."

Adora's phone suddenly went off. She extricated herself from Catra's body to pick it up.

 _"Hey, Adora!"_ Bow's voice came through with a signature crack. 

"Oh, hey!"

_"I don't want to bother you, but uhh… is there any way you're free for dinner tonight? My dads are here and they keep asking about you and-"_

Catra turned around, raising a quizzical eyebrow. 

Adora mouthed that it was Bow.

Like it would be anyone else, hah.

_"They're all worried about you because of the fallout with Glimmer. You know I love them, but I'm worried they're going to surprise you. So maybe-"_

"Dinner?" Adora cut in. "You mean I don't have to cook?"

A certain someone rolled her eyes. 

_"Yes…?"_ Bow sounded a little strange, but it wasn't like his mood had been all that stable. _"Yes, I just wanted to give you fair warning. I love them but,"_ there was an exasperated sigh. _"I'm not sure what to do. You have to bring Catra, though. They want to meet her."_

"You told them about Catra, huh?" 

Catra's skepticism increased exponentially. 

_"They asked how you were and I wasn't going-"_

Adora muted herself. "Are you okay with going to dinner with Bow's parents?"

"I still don't even know if Bow likes me anymore," Catra replied, not quite hiding her worry. 

_"-so I said you met someone…? And now they're really excited. Like I said, I'm afraid they're going to ambush you after this. I wanted to give you a warning."_

But Bow's words momentarily became fuzz to Adora's ears. 

"Hey," she put her hand on Catra's shoulder. "He doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate anyone, really. I think his opinion on you's gotten a bit better. Time… fades stuff like that. He even encouraged me to- well, never mind. The point is, he's open to being more friendly again." Back to the phone. Unmuted. "I'm listening. If we come, when should we be there?"

_"... Fifteen minutes? Oh, and Adora-"_

"Bow, it's okay," she assured, trying her best to put him at ease. "I'm excited to see them! I just need to talk with Catra, okay?"

That seemed to do the trick. _"Definitely do that. Think up how you're going to approach this."_

"For sure. Text me the place and I'll update you soon." 

The moment the phone call ended, it was clear Catra was torn. She didn't want to cook. She also didn't seem too keen on Adora picking up the slack. 

"Think of it as a break?" Adora suggested with a small smile. "And I'll stop messing with you about cooking after today?"

Catra rolled her eyes again, exhaling dramatically. She waffled in indecision for only a few more moments.

"These things never go well," she finally groaned. She seemingly held herself back from naming any actual examples, probably Christmas. Ouch. "So you owe me one, okay?"

"Yeah?"

"I invited you out to hang with my friends forever ago. Next time I ask, I want a yes from you."

Well. It wasn't like Adora had spent much time with Catra's friends. Catra had a point about that… 

"Okay, deal."

Tit for tat.

"And you're dressing up," Catra added. "I want something to show for this."

_But of course._

So…

Fifteen minutes wasn't going to work, but Adora tried to convince herself that she was going to make a real effort to be close to that time. 

They went to get changed right after Catra put the food away. 

Like so many times before, Adora pulled her work shirt over her head. The first time she did this, the first time she truly ached, Catra had ambushed her when the shirt was halfway over her head. Scared the crap out of her and sent her tumbling down to the bed with a yelp. 

“Hey! Careful,” Adora laughed, “I’m sore."

Catra climbed on top of her and tugged the fabric the rest of the way off. "Maybe you'll get all buff."

"Hah, I don't think I'll get buff if I don't give my muscles time to heal in the first place." 

Adora worked quickly to flip Catra over, reversing their positions. 

"Don't we have to get ready?" Catra purred.

"Yes," Adora whispered, leaning in and pressing her forehead against Catra's. "Just… give me a second with you. Thank you for being willing to come."

She closed her eyes. 

Like so many times before, she tried to imagine her future through the fog. 

What it could be.

What it would be.

The uncertainty of everything in between. 

\---

A tie, obviously. 

Catra wouldn't let Adora leave without one. 

Catra was a more curious case. Plenty of her clothing already lived at the house, but the short notice meant that she was stuck borrowing Adora's more formal clothing. As such, everything she had on was too big. The dress shirt. The slacks. Adora thought she was going to die from the sight. This was a thousand times better than the apron. 

"Yeah yeah," Catra playfully smacked her upside the head before they departed. "Keep it in your pants." 

The ride over was fast. And babbly. They got out of the car and hurried over to the restaurant, knowing their company had been kept waiting. 

"Gosh, it's been like, years since I've seen them," Adora continued their conversation, a real spring in her step. 

"I feel like I'm meeting your parents," Catra rolled her eyes. 

"You're meeting Bow's parents."

Just as they entered the restaurant, Catra suddenly caught Adora's sleeve. "Wait. Wait a second. How much do they know?"

That gave Adora massive reason for pause. It also sent a spike of very old anxiety through her system. "Um. You know, I don't actually know." 

Could you blame her? She had spent so much time just- just _being_ with Catra, and she'd been found out forever ago! She'd forgotten that some people didn't know. It was stupid. She knew that. It was-

_… Bow had tried to keep her on the line._

_Adora had not listened._

_Oh God, what did they know...?_

_What if they hated her?_

_No, no. They didn't hate her._

Adora quickly considered that Bow had told them everything. They were his parents, after all. And if he had, then there was no issue. They still wanted to see her! They still...

Well, they definitely knew Bow and Glimmer had split. They knew about Glimmer's tendencies. 

_Surely Bow had told them… something?_

Oh man...

As soon as they reached the table- as soon as Adora saw that nothing had changed with how Lance and George looked at her, she realized her mistake. Because for once, Bow had managed to keep something private. 

_He was sinking deeper into his seat by the second._

Adora thought she'd be glad that her getting fired over having sexual relations with a student was private, but alas, she was not. 

And she was here.

Her bubbly demeanor was truly dead on arrival. Catra had also gone stiff beside her. They shared a very clear look with each other as they sat. The restaurant was nice enough to have water waiting for them, so it was good they dressed up.

She did her very best to try to recall whatever Bow had told her. Did her best to scrabble together some picture of what information George and Lance already had. 

The introductions were normal. Everything was normal. It was all so normal until it wasn't. 

George leaned forward, pure excitement in his eyes. Bow leaned back just as far.

"It's been forever, Adora! I feel like we hardly know each other. So, how's the semester going?"

Yup. That was what he knew. Adora shared another look with Catra, but Catra couldn't save her here. She gulped before turning back to George. 

"You know, I… I'm actually not teaching anymore," she replied a little anticlimactically. 

And there was the silence. The confusion.

Bow cleared his throat. Maybe he was preparing to interrupt. Maybe he was about to try to explain to his parents why he hadn't kept them updated, but before he could, there came George's attempt to right the situation. 

"No… ? Well," he coughed, expression turning to concern. "That's surprising. You've always liked history. Can I ask what happened?" And then, much more quietly, "is it related to that fallout with Glimmer? I still can't believe that after all these years…"

 _What was she supposed to do with that?_

"Um, it just wasn't for me." 

There came more acutely uncomfortable silence in which George stopped and started, looking like he was about to press. Adora braced herself for the worst.

"Ah, that's a shame. But we understand," Lance interrupted that train of disaster, nodding knowingly. "Sometimes things don't work out. It's alright. We're here to meet someone new, aren't we, George? What do you do, Catra?" 

Catra very nearly choked on her water at that pivot. "Me?"

"Yes, of course. We'd love to know more about the person Adora picked."

Sure, Catra was rarely flustered. She was supposed to be the one who was on point. She always had this stuff figured out and would swoop in to rattle off some nonsense to get the spotlight off Adora. Catra kept things _calm._ This time, however, she seemed totally caught off guard by how quickly the conversation had shifted.

Adora couldn't even begin to be mad at her.

They should've discussed their approach like Bow had tried to warn them. They should've they should've they _so freaking should've._

Not.

Gotten.

Distracted. 

No part of Adora wanted them to outright lie to them. On the other hand, she didn't want to tell them the truth either. Both options sucked. If it were her, she liked to think she’d be honest (and who knew if that was true). 

But that didn't matter.

Because it wasn't her. 

And frankly at this point, either option would be understandable. Adora simply accepted that Catra decided, they'd both just have to commit. 

In that second, it was up to Catra. 

Truth or lie. 

She shot Adora one more alarmed glance and then-

Lie. She chose lie. 

Probably because Adora had already bent the truth earlier.

"Well, I- I uh," Catra looked back over at George and Lance with panic in her eyes. "I can cook. I mean, I cook. Yeah," then quickly got a hold of her usual smooth demeanor. "I'm a chef."

Adora didn't know whether or not to feel relieved at that decision, but that was that. It was time to double down.

"A sous-chef," Adora added quickly.

_That was fancy, right?_

_That made Catra sound good, right???_

Catra shot her a glare. "Yep. Sure. A sous-chef."

"Oh! That's so exciting!" George proclaimed, now fully invested in the conversation once more. "What does a sous-chef do? I've never actually known! And what cuisi-"

"Uhhh, cut vegetables? I'm actually- I'm in between positions. So not much to talk about."

"That's still so fascinating. You know, if you find somewhere soon, Lance and I would love to stop by and try-"

"Let's not pressure her, George," Lance patted George's shoulder affectionately. 

Adora thought she felt her heart cease its beating from hearing those blissful words. 

George did stop.

It all stopped.

And then, as if the universe had been waiting for a moment to make things worse, the waiter arrived. 

Adora looked straight at him, hoping to focus on anything other than the company she was with. His gaze went straight to Adora as well, then rapidly flitted between her and Catra.

 _He looked… familiar?_

"Oh, hello. It's... nice to see you two again."

_Oh._

_Oh no no no._

Faces were fuzzy until they were right in front you, silently judging your life choices and ready to take your order. Even Catra was staring at him, the same realization Adora just had dawning over her face. 

"You've been here before?" Lance inquired.

"No," Adora said just as Catra said, "yes." 

They looked at each other. 

"We have," Catra said slowly. "Remember?"

"Right," Adora nodded. "Yeah. I… I forgot."

It really was going to be that kind of meal. 

The waiter cleared his throat. "Hello to everyone. My name is Alec and I'll be your server this evening. Can I get you all something to drink?"

"Rum and coke." Catra said without hesitation. 

Yup, that kind of meal.

The rest of them ordered their drinks. Adora stuck with water. She'd long since learned what a bad idea it was for her to drink while trying to hide something. 

A few minutes in and Adora felt her phone buzz. She awkwardly glanced down and-

(6:33 p.m.)

_**Catra:** youre surw we cant go??_

Except Catra was resolutely engaging with Lance, who was telling her all about how he and George had helped Adora figure out how much she liked history. They were successes at their field. 

Completely dumbfounded, Adora simply stared at her until another text came through.

(6:33 p.m.)

_**Catra:** please?_

"Yeah, she's still a nerd about that stuff all the time," Catra gave Lance a painful smile, then looked back at Adora. "Right?"

"Right, uh. Yeah. Pretty much every day," Adora agreed as she slipped her phone back into her pocket. 

She was not going to be able to text back without looking. Not like Catra could. 

By the time the highly dubious waiter returned to take the rest of their orders, Catra had already finished her drink. She immediately ordered another. 

It made an unfortunate amount of sense. Adora was feeling nervous as well. So nervous that as the minutes dragged on, she found she really needed to use the bathroom. 

"I'll be right back," she said, excusing herself as quickly as humanly possible. 

It was a nice, short reprieve from the awkwardness. Also a relief, literally. 

She was in a stall letting herself enjoy said relief when the bathroom door opened. She thought morning of it until she heard Catra's voice whisper her name. 

"Catra? What are you doing here?"

"I was following you. We're coming up with a game plan, right? That's why you left?"

"I needed to pee…!" Adora hastily finished her business and exited the stall to wash her hands. 

Catra watched her a little blankly, barely biting back what probably would have been a highly sheepish smile. "Well... Well fuck. I guess I didn't need to come here then. Shit, Adora. It's just super fucking awkward out there." 

Adora began vigorously scrubbing her hands. "And now they're going to think we're having sex or something. Damn it…"

"Yeah, and I'd rather be doing that," Catra rolled her eyes. "Like, even the waiter knows, Adora." 

"Clearly I attract trouble." It was then a thought crossed Adora's now increasingly panicked mind. "Also, why didn't you say you're a graduate student? It's close, isn't it?"

"I was trying to avoid anything with the word 'student' in it. It's not like I wanted them to get the wrong idea. You just said you left teaching. Also, you caught that the fucking waiter already knows what's up, right? He sat two rows behind me. I remember."

"I know, I know. God, I don't want them to hate me. And- and no, we can't leave. That would be rude. They invited us and-"

And the mounting panic was stopped in its tracks. Catra firmly took both of Adora's still wet hands and pulled her so they were face to face. She wore a soft smile that melted Adora's anxiety by at least half. 

"Listen. In that case, we both need to calm down," Catra let go of her hands once they were close, her fingers lightly running over the creases on Adora's shirt. "I know it sucks. I know you're nervous, but it's just one dinner. We're already halfway through. We've been through worse. You didn't stand down to Glimmer! This is nothing."

… Yeah. 

That helped a lot.

A lot, a lot. 

Adora smiled back, albeit still nervously. 

Residual anxiety. 

"... Okay, you're right. We're halfway through."

"Exactly," Catra nodded. "They already bought our stories. We just need to keep it up. Lean into what's true. You're finding your passion, yeah?" 

"By working at a grocery store?" Adora smiled a little wider, some of that discomfort still lodged inside. 

"That's right. Go with it. And I'm your sexy sous-chef girlfriend. Which I’m pretty sure," Catra's expression darkened just a little, "is worse than what I was going for. And I don’t know what they do. So thanks for that."

"Oops, heh." 

"Heh yourself, asshole."

Adora may not have expected a pep talk in the bathroom, but boy was she grateful for it. Catra pulled her in for a short but sweet kiss. The taste of alcohol was strong. 

"Are you planning on getting drunk?" Adora asked once they parted. 

"Hm, can I get tipsy to get myself through this easier? Just this once?"

"Don't leave me high and dry."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Catra grinned. "I promise I'll slow down some. Let's go?"

They returned to the table after that. Their food had arrived while they were gone. 

Bow's glance told her that he definitely thought they had sex.

Adora brushed the look off as best she could.

Thankfully, oh so thankfully, the spotlight seemed to have swapped to Bow while they were away. Adora sat down feeling much more equipped to handle dinner in practically every way. The waiter came back to check in on them just then. Catra took Adora's hand under the table, then shot him a piercing glare.

He walked off immediately. 

_Not perfectly, but definitely way better._

Adora squeezed Catra's hand before starting to eat. 

"So," Lance was smiling softly at Bow. "We just want you to think about it, alright?" 

"Yeah…" Bow nodded slowly. He seemed to have relaxed a considerable amount as well. "I think I will." 

Adora looked between them. "What's up?" 

"Oh, they were just telling me that I'm free to move back closer to home if I want,” he explained/ 

That sent a jolt straight through Adora's heart. What? "... You're thinking about leaving?"

"Yeah, well… I'm having a tough time right now. Besides, you probably are, aren't you?" 

"I-"

"If I do go, I'm sorry about the roommate thing," Bow continued on. "The offer's still open. It always will be, but I figure you'll stay with Catra." 

Still, both she and Catra stiffened. Adora felt it. She held tighter to Catra's hand. 

"Yeah," she said slowly, trying not to betray anything she didn't want to come across yet. "You're right."

Adora thanked her lucky stars that the conversation moved on from there, even if her thoughts did not. Some of her anxiety returned. Little by little...

_She worried she'd been disingenuous. To be honest, she really didn't know._

Bit by bit.

Sure, she already knew she didn't want to get left behind. She knew she wanted a future with Catra. Bow had really just pointed that out, yet it felt different. It didn't come from inside like that desire did. This was external. Not love. Not intimacy. 

_Adora still hadn't shaken most of her ambivalence about being done with the world around her. Even now, it provided a sense of stability. Routine. The routine she'd lost. Upping and leaving it still felt like risking all the progress she made. But…_

The waiter's continued judgement and annoying coughs every time he arrived began to grate on her. And that was at best. At worst, she grew wildly insecure. Especially when she caught him talking to one of the other waiters and realized they were both staring at her. 

_Maybe it was possible the world she was used to was already done with her? Man, that didn't help._

Adora didn't let it show, however. She rooted herself to the reality that she could indeed get herself through this. She kept Lance and George away from problematic topics by asking all sorts of questions about their work. They were only too happy to ramble. 

_Forever was a happy concept. Leaving was a hopeful one. Moving in less than six months was real. Was it too much to hope that that could be a real possibility…?_

By the end of dinner, Catra was indeed tipsy. No major slurring, but her cheeks held a healthy flush. She was even in a rare state where Adora thought it might be possible to elicit a giggle from her lips. She had certainly relaxed, probably courtesy to the alcohol. She was also bordering on inappropriate in both her touchiness and jokes, but that was far better than moody. Adora merely watched her with mild amusement brewing in her chest. 

No more questions about Adora's work came.

Catra spouted whatever nothingness came to mind about cooking.

When dinner ended, George and Lance wished them both luck. 

Bow muttered an apology in her ear as they hugged. Apparently, he hadn’t wanted to divulge too much without her input and _that’s_ why he left the bulk of it up to her. Oh well. He tried.

Then she and Catra left the restaurant behind. It felt like a breath of fresh air - and it literally was. Even if it wasn't perfect, even if that insecurity was still there, it was easier to relax with how happy Catra was. 

"Fuck yes," Catra laced her arms around Adora's neck the moment they were outside. "That was such a fucking disaster. Like, holy shit," she cackled. "I never thought I'd _still_ be lying my ass off."

_Hey, at least someone was already laughing about it. That sure was something. At least it was another success?_

"I guess that's bound to happen every once in a while as long as we're here," Adora replied with a smile before realizing exactly what she'd just implied. 

Catra was just a little too buzzed, a little too cutely elated to catch on. She was peering over Adora's shoulder. She relinquished Adora in order to punch said shoulder... which she definitely did so harder than she meant to. "Adora. Adora, look." 

Adora rubbed where Catra had hit and turned around. Down the road aways was a bar. "Oh?"

"That's the fucking place where I almost kissed you. I haven't been back."

_Oh!_

_So it was._

_That was such a long time ago._

Adora felt herself smile a bit more, yet more awkwardness fading into obscurity. She couldn't help it. "Yeah, me neither." 

"I miss drunk Adora. I want to hear you spew random shit again."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Come on," Catra grabbed Adora's hand and started leading her down the street. 

"Okay, okay. One drink."

"Two. Do you think they'll remember us?"

 _"One drink,"_ Adora repeated as sternly as she could, which was not very stern given her rising amusement. "I'm driving."

"They better fucking remember someone as hot as you. And we can take a taxi! Fuck driving."

"Someone is going to have to take care of you, honey."

"Body shots. We didn't do body shots the first time. What the fuck was I thinking?"

Catra could not have been more happy. She didn't give a damn about a mere ten minutes before that moment, nor did she care about the fact that the world had indeed been trying to push Adora away. 

It was like it didn't even matter. Like it was nothing at all. 

Adora secretly suspected that Catra's alcohol intake might not actually have influenced it that much. 

She was just happy. Happy with Adora. She was holding her close.

And Adora… Adora was happy with her. Adora was the happiest she'd felt in months. 

Suddenly, instead of simply wanting nothing more than to be with Catra, Adora found herself entirely unable to envision a future without her. Without being with her almost all the time.

And it was just… perfect.

_Oh._

_Alright then._

That would simply have to be that. 

Because a shift had occurred in that moment.

The fog had vanished. 

She… came less to a decision, but more a realization that the decision had been made. It had decided itself not with a pit in her stomach from Catra's fears, the waiter, or that disaster of a dinner. It was decided with Catra joyously tugging her inside the bar where their first real flirtation had occurred. 

_… She didn't want to be left behind, so the clear answer was that she wouldn't let herself be._

_It would be a lot of work._

_She'd need to get on it ASAP._

_Find a place to live in the meantime._

_Look for openings in New York, then ideally land one beforehand._

_Definitely find a recommended studio, too._

_Even with all that done, she couldn't afford to be stupid about any of it._

_Transplanting her stability would take a lot of care._

_She still might not make it in time for Catra's most idealistic plan._

And… no, she laughed because she was absolutely not doing body shots. No matter what Catra said, that was a firm no. 

_But yes._

_Scary as it might be, it was time to commit._

_Adora would be ambitious. She would go to New York. She would figure out how. Somehow, some way… someday, hopefully sooner than later, it would be Catra._

The decision would always be Catra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***brushes teeth more vigorously than last chapter and this time with the addition of muffled screaming***


	25. All That Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeello everyone! Welcome back! I hope you're all fantastic.

_As it turned out, waiting outside the lecture hall ten minutes early proved to offer no real benefits to Adora. A student, definitely a freshman, sidled up to her while she was skimming through lecture notes. She looked up with something like hope only for the student to make small talk about how irritating it was that the university forced everyone to take a history class._

_Oh._

_The mistake was obvious. The student thought she was a student too._

_Great..._

_Like, she'd dressed up. Was that not enough to distinguish her? Apparently not. It wasn't even the first time such a mistake had happened, but everyone prior had caught themselves mid-assumption. This particular freshman didn't seem to have a clue._

_That was fine._

_Perfectly fine._

_Feeling her cheeks starting to burn, Adora didn't know what else to do with herself except awkwardly return to her notes until it was a reasonable time to enter the hall._

_Soon after she went in, the room began to fill._

_Merely saying she was nervous didn't really do her mental state justice, but it would have to do. She was nervous. Wringing her hands level nervous._

_Before setting up, her focus went about the room. It was a haze of chattering and fuzziness, though a few things were decipherable. Her gaze landed first on the unfortunate, embarrassed looking freshman who had misjudged her. Next, down to the first couple rows where a good amount of students were actually preparing._

_Adora's attention was then drawn slightly upwards at the sound of a young woman admonishing the surrounding freshmen for being too loud, her own volume equally noticeable._

_"Dude, shut the fuck up! For fuck's sake, I swear I could teach you idiots. Where the hell is the-" and at that moment, the woman's notably bicolored eyes locked with Adora's._

_The woman went quiet._

_Her eyes went wide._

_Lips parted in... surprise?_

_Well... Adora was pretty surprised she was teaching too._

_Although there was a distinct pinkness to the woman's cheeks._

_It almost looked like she was about to smile._

_Never mind._

_Adora had to get ready._

_This wasn't the time to get focused on specific students. She snapped back the big picture, as well as her jitters. She had a class she was supposed to be teaching._

_The enormity of having to grab everyone's attention was already weighing on her. Everything returned to its prior haziness._

_God, what she wouldn't give for a gavel. This was going to be hellish…_

_Bow and Glimmer were going to hear all about it later._

_Like that, the woman was firmly tucked away in the back of Adora's mind. Hardly a spark. Just that alone didn't matter. Just that alone didn't make a dent. Had it actually been just that, maybe nothing would’ve happened._

\---

But more had happened. So much more beyond that.

"Don't go..." Catra mumbled sleepily.

_Of course. Never. Not really._

So much more had happened and now it was hard to roll out of bed, especially on mornings like these. It felt like a lifetime had passed. Nevertheless, Adora could not be happier to be in the present. Happy not to be there, back in her dream. Her memory. 

_Sometimes she'd relive them. The good, the bad. The strange…_

This was much better, although it was unfortunate that she was dressed and saying goodbye instead of hello. 

“Catra, honey,” Adora murmured against Catra’s lips. “I need to head to work, okay?" 

Catra's eyes fluttered open in a way that did not at all match her groggy expression. Then she squinted at Adora, let a low groan, and pulled a pillow over her face. Yes indeed, it was far earlier than she ever liked to get up, at least not without a major incentive. 

_There would be no face riding today._

_So..._

"Glad you understand," Adora laughed and headed to the door. "Don't oversleep."

She had awoken earlier to her own grinding headache, but that was quickly forgotten upon the arrival of even more excellent news. A phone call from the realtor informed her that two families were interested in buying. Great sign, right? Also a prod to get moving already. 

And so, Adora spent half an hour huddled under the covers and saving any and all apartments listed for a monthly lease. That didn’t go nearly as well as the phone call had, but that was fine. Adora didn't mind. 

She was in too good of a mood.

 _A future together._

Despite the drizzle outside, she couldn’t stop smiling all the way to work. 

_Her and Catra._

When her shift started (and headache began to fade), she felt herself drift into an almost dreamy bliss. A rare thing to do on the job. She methodically lifted. Packed. Stocked. Didn't mind whatever difficulties the manager inevitably threw her way. 

She fantasized about a future not so different from the present. A happiness not so different from the one she already had. Something she could hold close and depend on, something she really already knew. 

_There was nothing sweeter than that._

She did everything in that state, only really coming out of it while she was stacking cream cheese and an even more delightful idea hit her. 

Now look, Adora had long since learned her lesson about news: never wait _too_ long and never make the plan _too_ big. 

She wasn't looking for some perfect moment, no. She’d tell Catra that very evening when they were both back home again, that was certain. 

But! 

Adora saw absolutely no reason to simply say it like it was common information. She was excited to spring the news on Catra. She was excited for Catra to be excited. 

So perhaps Adora could stand to do a little something extra special…

She spent the rest of her shift excitedly imagining Catra's reaction. It didn't matter that someone managed to spill several gallon containers of milk in the middle of an aisle. It didn't even matter that some of the milk soaked through the knees of Adora's pants as she helped to clean the mess up. She was still in too much of a good mood. 

When work finally came to a quiet end, and after a few items had been bought, Adora stepped outside to find that the drizzle from the morning had progressed into a rather formidable thunderstorm. A thunderstorm that happened to be dumping rain in buckets - with wind gusts that had the droplets occasionally going sideways. Flashes of lightning illuminated the gloomy horizon. 

Going to the car was a futile exercise in trying to remain unscathed. Adora scurried to get inside only to end up soaking the seats in water. 

_Although frankly, she realized that she really didn't mind. In fact! That was a good reminder. She noted that she needed a plan to take the car to a dealership before leaving. No point in having a car there. Wow. What a thought. No, what a reality!_

Needless to say, the storm didn't bother her in the least. 

Once home, Adora went to the bedroom and stripped her shirt and pants as quickly as possible, eager to put on a (hopefully somewhat more enticing) dry set. A nice button up. Not milked stained slacks. It was a step up from work wear, that was for sure. She soon found herself comically hopping across the room while trying both to pull her left leg through the remaining pant leg and to get everything ready before Catra arrived.

Although… Catra was actually running a little late. 

All good!

Maybe she was helping Scorpia with homework.

Besides, that gave Adora more time to enact her plan. 

More time to super duper carefully position the wine bottle on the island. She had admittedly selected it with enough care to ensure that it was better than Catra's far more disastrous first pick.

More time to tweak how the chocolates were propped up against it. _Okay, yes, those were for herself._

And more time to come up with the bright idea to order food from one of Catra's favorite places. 

It would be a very nice evening. Exciting, then relaxing. 

She would probably stay up late trying to figure out the actual moving process, but that was a problem further down on the daily list. Literally. 

Just as Adora finished, the front door finally opened to reveal Catra, predictably drenched but quite unpredictably stiff as a board. She dropped her bag by the door with a heavy thud as Adora came over to kiss her. 

It took Adora a hot second to even put two and two together. To feel that Catra was entirely elsewhere. When she did, however, what remained of the soft and dreamy warmth that had carried her through the day extinguished itself in a snap.

She pulled back to find Catra's expression stony, though she was betrayed by a few tears pricking her eyes. Even her breath was light. Too light. Like she was forgetting to breathe. Then there were her fists, clenched by her sides. At a sudden clap of thunder, she flinched.

 _There was fear._

"Hey, hey," Adora immediately cupped her jaw in an effort to soothe. Her other hand closed the door behind Catra, muffling the sound of the thunderstorm. "What’s wrong? Did something happen?"

Catra looked at her, face slowly filling with pained emotion. Frustration, for one. Definitely frustration. Even more (possibly angry?) tears threatened to spill out. 

"She says she's coming to graduation," she whispered. Her tone was somehow a strange mix of shaky, gravely, _and_ also flat. 

She…?

Oh.

Adora felt a pit that was more like a boulder drop into her stomach. 

_Her._

But…

"Why? I thought-"

"Yeah, well, me too," Catra wiped her eyes a little harshly. She pulled away from Adora more softly, then knelt down to retrieve a few things from her bag. "I didn't get it either. Not at first. But she must've snooped online," she continued explaining with a real tremor in her voice. Her hands were shaking. "So she found out I'm going to Columbia, and now she's all interested in my life again. I already said I won't give her the tickets to get in, but she'll find a way to fuck everything up. Fuck. I just know it. She'll show up somehow." 

That woman really was coming.

To see Catra. 

At graduation. 

That.

Woman.

There was a familiar growl in her chest. Adora immediately recognized it for what it was. It almost hooked her, but she quickly put it to bed. She wasn't about to make the same mistake she had the first time they'd broached this sensitive subject. 

"I'm sorry," she replied quietly, still trying to decide how to best approach the situation. "I'm so sorry this is happening." 

Once she stood up with her laptop held close, Catra took the opportunity to press her forehead to Adora's chest. Her hair was very wet. Some water permeated the shirt fabric, the rest slowly _drip, drip,_ dripped onto the floor. She took a few stabilizing breaths.

There was a menacing roll of thunder, followed by another clap. Catra startled again. Adora brought her arms around her in a tender embrace. 

"I bet she's going to pull the 'I raised you' card and ask for money because wow," Catra let out a not at all happy sounding laugh. It was more strangled than anything else. "What a fucking great school. As if she has any idea how it works. She's the one who said I wouldn't make it. Now she wants in on my success and will probably demand credit... The fucking bitch. I'm so sick of her. Fuck, I-... I can't..." 

"It'll be okay. If it helps," Adora reassured her, kissed the top of Catra's head. "I'll be there. You won't be alone."

"No, you don't need to. It's on campus. You'd see people who know. It'd probably-"

 _"I'll be there."_ Adora said firmly. 

Because Catra had to know where she was at. She'd be there for Catra in any way she could. 

_More thunder. Another jump. More tenseness. Catra didn't relax for a second._

A muffled, "thanks…" was all Adora got. 

She ran her hands over Catra wet shirt, feeling how Catra shivered. Noticed how she huddled against Adora for whatever warmth she could provide. 

"Come with me," she began guiding Catra towards the bedroom. "Let's at least get this off."

Once they were there, Adora separated herself to rummage around for something for Catra to wear as Catra placed the laptop on an end table. A sweater would do. She offered it to Catra, who took it with mumbled thanks before pulling off her top.

Adora leaned against the dresser as she waited. 

"I'm not weak," Catra said as she donned the sweater. Her voice was a little stronger. "I'm in control. I left her forever ago. She's not- it's not supposed to be like this." 

_They really did have similar struggles sometimes, didn't they? Similar ghosts._

"I never said you were weak. I've never thought it, either."

That got a stiff nod. "Good. Because I'm not. I just never thought that she'd come here, you know? Here feels so fucked up. I moved on. She was gone. I… I was _done."_

The last few words dripped with bitterness. Adora returned to Catra's side at the telltale sound of more thunder. Held her more loosely this time. 

"I know you were done. I know. So… maybe there's something we can do so she doesn't ruin your day," she suggested.

"You don't need to say it like that. It's only graduation," Catra replied with an unconvincing shrug, still lightly patting down the bottom of the sweater. Then she lowered her voice like she was talking to herself more than Adora, "I'm mostly hoping she doesn't recognize you. Fuck. That's the last thing I want to deal with..." 

_It took far too long for that to sink in._

"I should've known she'd try to force her way back in," she continued through gritted teeth. 

_Catra had said it like it was nothing._

"I'll just have to be careful." 

_Like that was that._

"She'll give me shit about you too. I'll get ready for that."

But that wasn't that.

That wasn’t at all that. 

_"Huh."_ Adora was frozen in place. "What do you mean she might recognize me?" And then more confusion. "Does she like, know we're dating or something?"

"No," Catra muttered, still lost in her thoughtful planning. "It's the other thing, honestly. _You know._ She figured it out, wouldn't let me hear the end of it."

"What other thing?" Adora immediately questioned. 

Because no, she absolutely did not know.

The mood between them suddenly shifted again. It was so drastic that Adora practically forgot that it was storming outside, that she was holding Catra to comfort her, that the worst woman on the planet was coming to visit. 

Catra's gaze shot up like a bullet. She went pale as their eyes locked with each other. "... You mean you didn't pick that up?" 

_That…? Talk about vague language._

"No?"

_And why would it matter so much if that awful woman recognized Adora?_

Catra pulled away a little messily, looking increasingly mortified over what she'd said. 

"I didn't think I'd actually have to say it," she mumbled. "I-I thought you knew?"

Adora quickly shook her head in confusion, remaining firmly rooted in place. "Catra, what on Earth are you talking about? What's the other thing? I don't understand."

"Well, obviously I liked you…!"

"Okay… and her? Why would she give you trouble?"

"And she- fuck, she _knows_ I liked you," Catra said emphatically with hand gestures and all. Like that would help explain anything that was happening. 

They stared at each other a little blankly. Catra was clearly dearly hoping that Adora would simply connect the dots and move on. Adora, on the hand, was desperately trying to gasp onto whatever the hell was going on. 

"You told her you were interested in me?"

"No, that's stupid. I wouldn't do that. She's crazy."

Catra was right. That was a dumb question. It wasn't like she'd call her up mid semester and update her like that. Besides, she'd literally just said her stepmom had figured it out herself. But hold on, if that was true then that also might mean...

"Wait. Did she somehow suspect us before and try to blackmail you?" Adora asked, suddenly deadly serious. She took a hesitant step forward. 

"No, Adora. No," Catra pinched the bridge of her nose at that question. "Not about that anyways. I would've told you if she'd done that." 

Right.

Right.

That was probably another unhelpful question.

Adora quickly moved onto conjuring up the next possibility, already trying to rationalize what was definitely going to be yet another nonsensical answer. She opened her mouth and-

"Whatever it is you're about to say, that's not what this is about, alright?"

"Okay, okay… but _what_ is it about then, Catra?" Adora furrowed her brow. "Because I don't have a clue."

"It's just-... it's just, ugh!" Catra's acute embarrassment had finally boiled over into frustration. "She knows I liked you when I was younger, _okay?_ That's what I meant."

… That shut Adora right up. Had more thunder not ominously started up again, she would've likely stayed put. But it did, which triggered worry. And so, one hesitant hand was what she risked to ensure Catra was alright. 

Little outburst now over, Catra was staring at the ground. 

She flinched at the next distant boom.

The silence between them must've only spanned a few seconds, yet it felt like an eternity. 

Adora began rewinding her internal tape, trying to pinpoint both how and where she'd missed this critical fact. 

"I thought you knew," Catra eventually mumbled. "I thought it was obvious and we weren't talking about it. It wasn't like I wanted to bring it up and… make you think of back then. Me back then. And it's not like it's a big deal," she added, not at all sounding like she believed her own words.

She kept staring at the ground. 

"... But Catra, that is big. That's- I thought your biggest secret was when you loved me?"

"Yeah…? And I told you it was moments? Little moments. It was honestly a stupid crush." 

_Adora went quiet, finally pressing play on her memories._

So Catra continued, "I… I actually forgot about it. Well, not you-"

_Catra had seen her around. Same hometown. Same school. Knew of her…_

"-I just didn't think I'd see you again...?"

_Catra had said she loved her… all that time. All that time ago? Adora had merely assumed in the office…_

"I guess it faded. It wasn't that important. I swear it wasn't some- some _thing,"_ Catra added on nervously. She finally looked up, expressing very, very worried. 

_Except the first thing Catra had recalled about love was when she heard Adora laugh._

Adora was in a daze at that point. 

"But then you walked into class and I realized it was you. After that, I remembered everything. And Adora, I swear- look, that was years ago. All that matters to me is what we are now," Catra crossed her arms like she was hugging herself. "Or fuck, fine. Maybe I'm embarrassed. I don't know, it's dumb. I swear I _really_ thought you at least had an idea. We talked so much about home that day and I- okay. Let's- I don't know. Maybe we can just-" 

"You used to have a crush on me." Adora simply had to interrupt. She was still processing. 

No, she definitely hadn't known. 

Yes, she remembered that Catra knew about her. 

Adora could be slow, but she wasn't that stupid.

Never in a million years had she anticipated Catra meant anything other than seeing her photo on some old school booklet or running into her somewhere downtown. Maybe waiting in line together, but only maybe. Something about general recognition at most.

"... Yeah?"

_Wow, so like…_

"You really did."

_A full on crush._

"Are you going to make me repeat it? Yes, Adora. You were my stupid, awful lesbian awakening." 

_A lesbian awakening!_

"Oh my God," Adora whispered. 

_That was- that was just the cutest thing!_

"God damn, now you're never going to get over yourself." 

_Once Adora assured her it was nothing to be embarrassed about, Catra was never going to hear the end of it. Adora could hardly believe they'd gotten so far without this amazing piece of knowledge coming to light._

"Catra," she laughed, totally forgetting the conversation before this revelation. "That's so-"

"She knows all that, Adora," Catra interjected flatly, her once again rising upset steering the conversation back on track. "And that's what's bothering me most right now."

_Shit. Yup. That was indeed the first thing Catra had expressed her concern over._

The mood promptly plummeted right back down to where it had started. Embarrassment? Amusement? Gone. 

_Shit shit shit._

Adora dropped the teasing without hesitation. She felt stupid for getting distracted. "Right, um. Yeah." 

She bit her lip. 

"She figured it out one day when we were at the store. She gave me so much shit about it, and not the fun kind," Catra said darkly and with a shudder. "She hated my guts for being gay. Thought that was obvious too… The point is that I never expected to see you again, let alone be dating you. Then I never expected to see her again. You two meeting? Well, she's got the mind of an elephant. I'm not excited. I'm actually really fucking dreading it."

_Oh._

_Oh Catra…_

_Mm._

Adora moved to take Catra's hands. "If she does, she does. Now I know what's going on, we can handle it together, okay? Whatever you need, tell me and I'll make it happen. I want to make sure you feel safe."

It seemed to take Catra a second to let those words in, but when she did, she looked at Adora with much softer eyes. "Okay, yes. I- thank you, Adora." Then a worried pause. "... And you're sure you don't care? About, uh…"

"Of course not," Adora smiled. "I mean, being someone's lesbian awakening is a pretty high compliment, you know."

Catra nodded, not quite as reassured or amused by that sentiment as Adora would've hoped. Not even annoyed, honestly. It was like she was _sorry_ but wouldn't say it - and Adora silently dared her not to. There was nothing to apologize for. 

She squeezed Catra's hands more tightly, hoping to reassure. "Hey, I think I might be able to cheer you up. The first thing is I've got dinner covered."

Catra allowed Adora to guide her once more, although she lagged a little. A little upset. A little embarrassed again. They exited the bedroom and headed toward the kitchen. 

"And here. I also bought wine for us. It's like our first date."

"Wow… Great memory," Catra teased half heartedly as she examined the bottle. "And now I can have a hangover two days in a row. I'm definitely cheered up. How's this date going to end?"

"Much differently."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely. You know, even back then I was upset at myself. I should've put clothes on and chased after you, honey." 

Catra's barely lifted mood faltered. Her face fell a little as she placed the bottle back down on the island. "You really want to relive it, huh?"

"Bear with me. Instead of going after the one thing I knew I wanted, I sat down. I didn't know what to do with myself. But things are different now. I'm trying to be more proactive about my life. You've taught me about that."

Adora paused. In that pause, she realized that the thunder was over. All that remained was the light pitter-patter of rain on the roof. The roof of the house she was going to be rid of soon. It brought a broad smile to Adora's lips, one that seemingly thoroughly confused Catra. 

Catra shook her head a little blankly. "What's your point?"

"My point is that I'm figuring it out faster this time. I'm not going to sit around wasting my life," she said, then leaned forwards. "You're amazing, Catra. The house has two potential buyers and honestly? I just want it gone. I want it gone so much because I can't wait to build a future with you. I can't wait until New York."

_There._

_She said it._

_She said it and waited patiently for the reaction she knew she'd be replaying for years to come._

It came slow. Almost disbelieving. It spread through Catra's entire body, if that made any sense. 

"You're coming?" Catra whispered. For the second time that night, there were tears in her eyes. 

She definitely sounded like she didn't believe it. 

"Yes."

"You- you fucking asshole!" Catra finally broke. She wrapped her arms around Adora and pulled her into a crushing hug. "Why'd you wait to tell me that?"

"There were more important things to talk about!" Adora laughed.

They almost toppled over from the disruption. 

"Yeah? Like what? _That bitch?"_

But they didn't.

"Nooo, like your lesbian awakening!"

Catra pushed Adora up against the island to support them both, very nearly knocking over the wine bottle instead. Adora flung her hand out to catch it. "You're the worst."

"Did I turn your day around or what?"

Adora felt Catra bury her head in her chest again. Her shirt was getting wet again, but this was a new kind. A much better kind. The vigorous nodding said that much. 

"Good," she said as she held Catra there. "Because I’ll find a better job. You're going to graduate. We're going to get through that day-"

More nodding.

"-handle her together-"

More. 

"And then we’ll get the hell out of here."

Catra lifted her head, wholly unconcerned about the tear streaks that graced her face. She looked happy. "... Then the rest of our lives?"

_But of course._

"Then the rest of our lives," Adora agreed, a silly, joyous kind of pride swelling in her chest.

Finally, the relaxation she had hoped the evening would bring washed over them both. She could feel her own heartbeat in the quiet. Could even feel it contrast against the rain. It was different, yet it bolstered her decision that this change was a small sacrifice to make for happiness. 

For Catra. 

And for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well shIT that was a lot, wasn't it? 
> 
> kudos to those who suspected Catra had a crush :)


	26. Per Aspera Ad Astra Pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just really excited about this chapter, idk??

"You're hardly trying," Lonnie scolded.

_Ffffokay,_ that was certainly a thought. It was a fine thought, really. Fine except for the fact that Adora was actually trying with all her might. She felt a wave of frustration come over her, something that only exacerbated her current position. Like a twisted pretzel pinned to the ground. It wasn't Adora's fault that she couldn't seem to untangle herself from her predicament. It literally wasn't, not with Lonnie's skill absolutely demolishing her, anyway. 

Her eyes flashed. _"Focus,_ Adora."

Though Adora felt she did, it wasn’t going to help her exploit any weaknesses. Not this time, at least. 

_Like seriously… how was she ever supposed to win against Lonnie?_

And it was over then and there.

A little anticlimactically and with a bit of a wheeze. 

Lonnie released pretzel-Adora from her pretzelness, then they both gingerly returned to their feet.

Adora took several moments to pant herself out until she'd fully caught her breath.

"You directed your frustration wrong and lost your focus. You can do better," Lonnie bluntly informed her.

_Damn it._

It never went as well for Adora when it was them two fighting. Usually the challenge was more than invited, but today…?

_Why today?_

"I didn't-! Okay, okay. You're right. I'm sorry,” Adora quickly conceded upon remembering that Lonnie was only ever trying to help her. 

Lonnie still liked her, well- Adora believed that to be true. It was a little harder to gauge with these occasional disappointments on Adora's part. She didn't want to mess up so much. 

_Of course, Lonnie would often give her the cold hard facts when such disappointments arose: that was the wrong way to look at it and that she was improving, so she should stop complaining._

She didn't this time, however, instead choosing to leave Adora to her own end of class devices. Adora's exasperation admittedly heightened when she recalled why she'd experienced the match to be so high pressure.

Catra had seen that disaster.

_Ouch._

It was especially ouch given how unlikely it was that either of their schedules would allow her to visit the studio again. See, life was busy. Practically speeding up to the speed of light. Graduation was coming up. There were many things to be done, countless lists to be completed and filed. 

Initially, Adora had (quite rightfully) warned Catra that she might take longer to get ready than Catra liked. She couldn't necessarily contribute to the high living costs of New York. She had to be careful and smart, thus a job was necessary. As such, Catra would need to find somewhere she could afford on her stipend.

For once, God, for once, the stress of a difficulty was eased as opposed to worsened.

_"You know I get cheaper housing, right? I swear I mentioned that.”_

_“You do?”_

_"I mean, I have to prepare to starve. Still though, they've got subsidized housing for PhD students. It's not cheap, but I can make it work if I pick something else up. And… and it's a little bigger than usual for the money I'm paying. Still a closet like you said, but uh…" Catra looked awfully hopeful. "Maybe enough room for two?"_

Oh, thank heavens.

Relief.

Adora had not known this, but man did it help. 

This was going to work.

This-

Somehow.

It was going to work. 

Thanks to Catra's mostly sorted living situation, Adora hadn't had as much anxiety about moving to New York as she first expected to. 

They still agreed that she needed a job, needed to be careful, but another intermediary-something would do in the meantime. If Adora found something small to start with, then the worst case scenario was that she would keep searching when she was in New York. She was willing to work with anything. Food delivery? Secretary? Office work? Everything got an application.

Whatever let her join Catra the fastest, Adora would do. 

Catra kept on her, however. Her jokey approach faded with each nudge away from potential complacency (not that Adora was at high risk for that). After all, minimum wage would only get them so far. And Adora had already discussed how the money she got from the house would ideally be saved, not spent patching up cracks here and there to keep them afloat. 

_"What do you want?” Was the recurring question. “Are you happy stocking shelves forever? If you are, that's great, but…"_

_"I mean, I'd like to do something else."_

_"You should think about it. Like, really think about it. Even if it doesn’t work out, I think you should still aim high before we move. There's so much in New York."_

Such words echoed much earlier conversations. Conversations from when they first met. 

What did Adora want?

Well, Adora wanted Catra.

Catra simply reminded her that their relationship didn't pay. Not yet, anyway.

She was absolutely right.

So while Adora focused on contacting positions similar to her current one, her late night searches did wander to aspirational careers of more grandeur. Whether it be positions that would (terrifyingly) require more schooling or careers she could try to pivot into given her current qualifications, it felt hard. Overwhelming. 

_Still though, it was New York. There had to be something._

Until something caught, that was going to continue to be hard.

Thankfully, the rest of the process was cooperating.

Like… the car was easy. Dealer, bam. She could do that right before they left. 

Selling the house was entering its final stages. Adora had gotten a little misty eyed meeting the small family that were buying it. But it was happening.

Finding an apartment had continued to be hard. Hard until it wasn't, really. She only needed one to work, and she certainly found one. She was going to pay a premium going month to month, though the hope was that the flexibility would help. 

Most everything had been sold, so minus a few exceptions, almost everything else left would be coming with her. She'd probably need to cut down even more for New York, but what she had would fit in her current situation. There were only a few things left to get rid of.

Oh. Selling the house… moving… that stuff was actually part of why Catra was even _here._ Today was a slightly above average day in specialness.

After changing into regular clothes, Adora tried and failed to dust off the minor assault on her capabilities. Catra watched with a raised eyebrow as they finally headed out of the studio. 

She side eyed Adora while they started down the sidewalk. "You good?" 

Well… okay, Adora was more _shuffling_ along next to Catra. In her head, that wasn't supposed to go that way. 

"I wanted to impress you," she finally admitted with a sheepish smile. 

_She knew it wasn't really a big deal, but that didn't mean it wasn't unfortunate._

"You did impress me, dummy."

"I wasn't even supposed to be sparring with her. I got excited and told her my girlfriend was coming, and then she insisted… well. I messed up.”

Catra was nice enough to at least chew on that thought, but as Adora suspected, a moment’s silence didn’t mean she accepted it.

"Maybe it's better you fought her,” she countered. “You still held your ground really well. And hey, it's not like you lost to one of those kids." 

_Oof._

_Nope. Adora definitely hadn't done that._

_Definitely not…_

Crickets. 

Or, cars. Distant honking. Vague chatter. Whatever.

"Oh man. Don't tell me your ego is all bruised over that," Catra said in a teasing tone, clearly still trying to cheer Adora up. “It’s martial arts. You’re supposed to lose.” 

"What? No, no no. Not bruised. I've got lots of things feeding my ego. So many things," Adora felt her awkward smile break into something closer to a smirk. 

Whenever something was uncomfortable or didn’t go to plan, Adora simply returned to the obvious.

"Ah fuck… You're never going to let me hear the end of this, are you?"

Adora playfully bumped into Catra’s shoulder, but still promptly reached down to hold Catra’s hand. Their fingers were soon comfortably interlocked.

"Nope! Never. When are you going to tell me what it was like?"

"Ugh. This is what I get for trying to cheer you up. I didn't spend all that time moping around, you know. I liked other people."

“So you moped?” Adora wiggled her eyebrows.

_“And_ I liked other people,” Catra repeated firmly. “Some of them were pretty great."

"Hmm, okay, but I don't see you with any of them."

"Want me to go ask around?" 

"No, no. I take it back. Honestly…” Adora quickly lightened up a little. It was only fair. “I'm glad I didn't end up with one of my childhood crushes," she mused. "They were all scary. I had a type back then."

Wait. Wasn't Catra also scary? 

Hm. 

"Everyone's scared of their childhood crush," Catra said, rolling her eyes. Then she froze. Oh, oh ho ho, what a mistake. "... No, Adora. No. Don't you dare."

It was much too late to reverse the screw up.

"You were sca-" 

Catra’s only recourse was to attack, which she absolutely did, because Adora didn't get further than that. 

Catra slapped a hand over Adora's mouth as fast as humanly possible. The ensuing scuffle was a poorly coordinated mess in which Adora desperately tried to free herself from Catra's grip. She ultimately failed (because of course zero of her training kicked in). Catra, now heavily panting, had Adora pinned against an alley wall by both of her wrists. At least her hand had come off Adora's mouth in the process? 

_Haven't you looked at someone and felt a whole lifetime had gone by?_

_What a thrilling thing, to look at someone and see the same love as before._

Adora let out a small giggle. Then another. Then they started trickling out, threatening to turn into something much worse.

"Fuck," Catra dramatically scoffed and let go of her wrists. "Fine, I was scared of my dumb crush. Younger me was pretty terrified sometimes, though. Not as much self confidence as I have now." 

That definitely deflated the mood by a substantial amount. So much for teasing.

"Oh."

Adora had been stupid to forget how much everything sucked back then. Again. 

"Sorry," Catra looked down the street toward where the car was parked, then back at Adora. "I didn't mean to ruin your teasing. I get how fun it is.”

Adora was shaking her head even before Catra had finished speaking. "No, it's okay. It's probably good for me to remember. I'm sorry I pushed.”

"I told you how she was the bad part, I know. But that means there was a good part, and you… you were part of it. A tiny part, but hey,” Catra shrugged. “Stuff like that mattered a lot to me back then. Okay? You were separate from her, and that was awesome. So don't feel so bad."

_Hm..._

_A tiny piece of the good part, heh._

_Alright, Adora could live with that._

"Okay,” she agreed. “I love you."

"I know."

_"Hey-”_

"And I love you too, idiot. Now let's get back so we have time to get ready."

\---

Unlikely as it seemed, this particular afternoon plan was completely Catra's idea. For all her complaining about social activities, she had insisted that saying goodbye to the house would be important to Adora.

Adora hadn't…. really considered that before. Apparently she hadn't needed to, because she hadn't even raised a finger to help with planning besides shooting Bow a text. 

And so, Catra cashed in her free no questions asked social event. It was more staying in than going out, and perhaps she wanted an excuse to spend some more time with her friends while still practically living with Adora, but the thought was appreciated nonetheless. 

They'd decidedly not called it a dinner - or even a meal. It was really a get together that happened to have food, an eating snacks on paper plates while sitting on the floor type of thing. 

Which was what Adora was doing.

Apparently, Scorpia wanted to learn a new skill to impress Perfuma, which meant that it was a mere five minutes in and Catra had her in the other room to teach her the basics of baking. 

_Something else she now knew how to do…?_

Adora was never going to get over that either. 

It made no freaking sense.

But she was not going to complain about that. No sir, you weren't ever going to catch her disrupting Catra's deep dive into cooking. Not when the results were delicious.

That left Adora with Bow and Perfuma. 

She was trying to get to know Perfuma better. 

_Good to know her competition, eh?_

In all seriousness, Catra liked her. Scorpia liked her. Bow had even taken to her with surprising ease. Adora wanted to know what was up. So far, she hadn't made much progress. 

Bow and Perfuma were much too involved with one another. Astrology was where Adora checked out. 

_Maybe later,_ she decided while grabbing a handful of potato chips and beginning to rise to her feet. It was as good a time as any to see Catra and Scorpia's glorious progress. 

She was about to go do that when Bow caught her attention. 

"Oh, Adora," he began, "I wanted to tell you something."

_He had not been at all surprised that Adora was going to go to New York. He was getting ready for his own move as well. Adora was going to miss him, but she couldn’t imagine a better place for him to get his feet back under him than home._

"What's up?" 

“You know how my dads have been helping me figure out how to get a job back home? Well, I mentioned that you’re headed up to New York. Don’t get your hopes up, but they got all excited and wanted me to tell you that they're keeping an eye out for anything that might interest you. Do you have their contact info?"

Oh…!

Well- well, that was very sweet of them. 

Adora had not expected that. Hadn't even considered it. In fact, her first response was to feel awkward that George and Lance were trying to help her at all. 

She mentally futzed around for a moment, trying to come up with an appropriate but neutral sounding reply. Maybe something about how they didn't need to do anything. 'Cause like, she'd figure it out herself. 

With Bow’s encouraging smile (and also Perfuma's in the background) followed by the reassurance that they were all family, however, Adora decided to let herself accept the kindness. She updated her contacts, profusely thanking Bow all the while before heading into the kitchen as she first intended.

Her head was spinning a little when Catra and Scorpia’s experiment came into view.

Oh, okay. 

Well.

Heh.

Scorpia immediately made Adora feel better about her own highly average cooking skills. 

It became abundantly clear within like, thirty seconds that Catra was putting up with a lot. After all, Scorpia wanted to know exactly how hot the oven could get. Scorpia had spilled brownie mix all over the floor. Scorpia had somehow added a much smaller dent to the fridge. _Huh._

It was sweet, though. Because Catra remained intent on trying to manage her even when it became obvious the lesson was to be a rousing not-success. 

"Scorps, that has egg in it. I’m serious, Scorpia-"

"What???"

"I'll beat you," Catra warned. "To death."

"It doesn't sound like we're getting any brownies today," Adora entered the conversation. 

Scorpia turned around, absolute joy spreading over her face. "Oh! We are! Catra's got it."

"Oh sure, Catra's got it," Catra echoed. Adora could hear the eye roll. "Okay, I need you to hand me-"

Suddenly, Adora's ears pricked at a very specific word:

_"Glimmer."_

In an instant, Catra and Scorpia essentially vanished from sight. They were replaced by the sound of Bow and Perfuma's voices. 

Adora closed her eyes, feeling a dull throb of discomfort about possibly overstepping. She did her best to block their conversation out but quickly found those efforts went nowhere.

It wasn’t like the house was crowded, and so the conversation steadily came into more and more focus. 

"You have to hope that she'll find her way," Perfuma was saying to him. "That's all you can do for her. You should focus on you now."

... So Adora hadn’t misheard. This really was Perfuma's famed advice that Catra herself had mentioned once or twice. 

_This was what Adora had been so curious to see…_

Perfuma really could do that with just about everyone, huh? Open the faucets like that. Impressive. 

"I know," Bow replied. "But it's so hard to forgive her. I want to. I need to, then I remember what she did. She used to feed me the same stuff. I'm still trying to find new friends because she didn't like it when I had too many." 

He sounded transfixed. His voice was strained, and if Adora had to guess, she'd guess his eyes were watery. _Oh, Bow…_

"I understand. And that's so hard, I know. But is it really about that, though?" Perfuma asked him kindly. 

"... About what?"

"Forgiveness. Is it really about her? Don't you think you deserve not to torture yourself with what she did? I think that's the only way to truly move on when something like this happens, especially since people like her are so hard to recognize." There was a silence. Whether or not Bow agreed didn't become clearer, but after waiting enough time for a response, Perfuma continued. "Okay, let's think of this way. What kind of future do you see without Glimmer? Who are you going to be? You're a good person, Bow. You deserve better than being upset at her, and I mean that how I'm phrasing it." 

There came some audible sniffles. Some rustling. Adora could feel every beat of her heart. 

"Because forgiveness," Perfuma continued once more, voice soft and tender as anything Adora had ever heard. "I think, is an act of love. Sometimes... it’s self love. It can't actually help anyone but you, so it has to be about you and what you need to let what happened be okay."

"Y-yeah…"

"Do you think you can do that? Do you think that someday, maybe you can give yourself closure and let go?"

Adora stilled at those last words. She could feel her heart in her throat. 

"Yeah," Bow said quietly, almost inaudible at this point. "I think so." 

_He could?_

Perfuma started on yet more advice, but then-

"Catra! You have a flower apron!"

Scorpia's exuberance ripped Adora from her eavesdropping and back into the kitchen. She moved forward in concern, ready to act, before realizing what the shout was actually about. Catra was barely managing to look at Scorpia, who was holding up Catra's apron. 

"Yes," Catra confirmed with a dramatic groan. "I have a dumb apron. Go ahead and put it on, Perfuma will probably lose her shit." 

That seemed to be just the best idea in the whole wide world. Scorpia's expression lit up like a match and she immediately struggled to get the apron on. 

A hint of softness flashed across Catra's face. "Turn around," she commanded. "I'll tie it. Dumbass…" 

Adora waited until a very excited Scorpia had bounded off to display the apron to Perfuma, then stepped forward until she was behind Catra. She rested her chin on her shoulder, drank in Catra's warm greetings, and closed her eyes again. 

She brought up what she'd just heard. This time, a little more balanced with everything else. 

"I'm sure you can tell that she's worse than you with cooking," Catra said. "I can't believe I agreed to help her figure out how to do this." 

_Forgiveness as an act of self love…_

"Hm, yeah. But you're just being a good friend. Aside from that, are you having an alright time?" Adora asked. 

_Self love._

"Better than usual with this stuff. It helps that they all know, I think. You?"

_Adora had never thought about forgiveness that way before._

"I'm okay," she shrugged. "They're getting along better than I thought they would." 

_God, to wish Glimmer well?_

Adora opened her eyes to the sight of Catra tasting the uncooked batter. That caused her a moment of very skeptical amusement. 

"Uh, Catra," she laughed quietly. "If I remember correctly-"

"Yeah yeah, shut up. Let me care for my friend in peace."

Truth be told, Adora had not really done anything with Glimmer since their last interaction. Glimmer was a person in her mind, not her reality, soon to be forever consigned to a cell of the past. She was manageable at the absolute worst, which had been good enough for Adora. 

But… it was true that mentioning her name still put a pit in Adora's stomach. Made it clench. The slightest ripple from never having received an apology, only a kick in the gut while she was down. 

That was all still so real. 

_Self love. Self betterment, maybe?_

Yeah, Glimmer was a pit. 

And why? 

For what? 

"Oh God, I think I can hear them kissing," Catra muttered. "Distract me?" 

During this nice day, on this warm afternoon with people who wanted to be around her, or at least liked her. 

What was the point?

So- so maybe Perfuma had a point. 

Maybe it wasn't worth thinking of Glimmer with such dread, such anger. Maybe what happened wasn't worth hurting over. If Bow could forgive, then why shouldn't Adora? 

_Why shouldn't Adora let the last of that anger go?_

_If not for Glimmer, then for herself._

"Mm, I think I might make you suffer. Don't think for a minute I forgot about your other crush," Adora teased lightly. 

Catra hissed several obscenities. 

Regardless of that, Adora kissed her shoulder. Soft and kind. Catra instinctively leaned back into Adora's body. It was comfortable, calm. 

_For her, Catra._

_For a clean slate in New York._

_So..._

_Okay._

_Adora could do that._

_She would do that._

_It was an easier decision than it would've been for some, but this was Adora._

_In fact, maybe it had taken more effort to keep Glimmer where she was rather than to contemplate releasing that hurt. Maybe Adora had simply fooled herself. Skirted around it until now. Idly, almost noncommittally waited for a moment that would never come, closure that Glimmer would never contribute to._

_And so, Adora thought of everything Glimmer had done. She thought of every story shared, every laugh heard, every insecurity ignored. She thought of what was and what had actually been._

_She thought deeply of the betrayal. Allowed the weak, throbbing pulse that came with reliving history to beat._

_She thought of it… and quietly let it go._

_Forgave._

_There in that kitchen, Adora let it be okay to be okay._

_It was a surprisingly subtle sensation, light, but it was there. A slight lifting off her chest. A sigh of relief from her ribcage. A small, happy cry from her heart._

_Goodbye, Glimmer._

_And yes, best of luck, Adora decided._

_Best of luck in being happy._

_Being better._

_Being whole, whatever that meant for her._

Adora was happy.

She had everything she needed.

If nothing else was true, at least _she_ was whole. 

At least she was here.

\---

Part of it was Catra, but another part of it was detaching from her old life. Adora knew that even a week later. 

Of the few things that had remained before officially vacating the house, clothes were the main issue. As it had turned out, clothes didn't particularly sell that well. 

_Not that she'd tried that hard. There were plenty of other things to do instead._

Well, anyway. Today, Adora had two medium sized boxes filled with the last of her unwanted clothing in the back of the car. They were headed for donation. Yay! That little trip and a few other minor errands would make for a well structured and (hopefully) satisfying afternoon. Catra was finishing up a weekend study session, after which she'd join Adora. 

They had agreed to meet at a coffee shop just off campus, have a snack, then get the daily list put to bed. 

Also probably go straight to bed.

Not to sleep, but to have what would probably some of last fully private sex for the next several years. 

_The utter travesty._

_They were trying to get as much in as possible, they really were._

Adora was first to arrive at the coffee shop. Instead of Catra being late, this time it was on Adora. She might've been _a lot_ early. Oh well. That was alright, she decided, because it was easy enough to order something to pass the time. 

After finishing off a bar of chocolate in the car, she entered the store, got in line, then began mindlessly surfing her phone. It was a simplistic tactic that would've distracted her all the way to the register - would've, were it not for someone muttering behind her. 

_"Flaming... horse? These names…"_

Adora awkwardly turned around to see an older woman reading from the board. She almost immediately looked straight back ahead again. Like… she felt uncomfortable staring at someone so openly. 

But she didn't turn back around. The woman had just enough of a curious expression to hold Adora's attention. She looked faintly amused, if not a little annoyed.

So, Adora coughed. 

"... It's uh, a joke about the school. It's the mascot," she explained with a smile. "Swift Wind. His statue gets set on fire a lot and we're right off campus, so…" 

The woman turned her gaze to Adora at once. Her eyes narrowed. Her expression went a little more firm than it already was, turned suddenly calculating, then after a very strange couple of seconds in which it seemed she was searching for something, finally relaxed. Whatever she'd been looking for, she obviously hadn't found it. Okay... "Is it? That's an unfortunate name for a drink. It sounds alcoholic, although that might be better."

_Oh! That was certainly true._

"Well, yes," Adora laughed lightly. "Probably. I've heard worse, though. It's not like they're the 'banana slugs'. I can't think of any appetizing names for that." 

"Hm, nor can I," the woman replied after a few thoughtful seconds. "I only flew in yesterday, so I'm not... educated on the local school culture." 

"What are you here for?" 

Hm, Adora glanced back at the board. About half the drink titles were about that level of confusing. She hadn't really thought about how unhelpful that could be to a tourist.

"Graduation," was the reply. 

_Scratch that, kind of tourist. Although…_

"Oh? You're early."

"Perhaps, although I prefer to know my way around wherever I'm visiting. The university in particular has not been easy." 

Frankly, the awkwardness had begun to fade by that point. Adora didn't tend to strike up conversations with total strangers, but here was something she actually knew about.

_Yeah, it was exactly the kind of dull conversation you'd expect while in line at some coffee shop. And yes, Adora was enjoying it. Her time at the store had taught her to take pleasure in these kinds of interactions._

_Go ahead and sue her._

"It's a big campus," she said. "That's for sure. I used to teach there, actually. It took a while to get used to it."

"Did you really?" The woman sounded genuinely impressed. "You're a doctor? You hardly look older than my daughter."

_That was the quickest someone had ever gotten to the point._

"Yeah! History, and uh, yes. It… well…" Small talk, Adora. Small talk. She needed to ease up on the reins... "I found out that I'm not really suited for it. That's okay, though! I got out and it was hard, but it's been good. I'm uh- I'm good. I'm figuring out something I like better. Sorry about that…"

Adora suddenly felt very studied again. Much of the awkwardness had momentarily returned. The woman observed her for a moment, then seemingly made another judgement. 

"No, no need to be sorry. I certainly understand how important it is to educate young minds, but ensuring they listen is disastrously difficult. I still imagine that you must be a smart woman to have achieved such a high level of education. I… admire that, even if you don't teach. I'm certain you'll find what you want."

Oh…

Woah.

Never mind, maybe not so much small talk. 

_That was also the quickest someone had ever gotten so deep. That actually might've just put Perfuma to shame._

But if she was being honest with herself, Adora could look past that in a heartbeat. Because wow, this lady was definitely impressed. Receiving praise over holding a PhD _and_ having taught was yet another occurrence that wasn't likely to happen often, so Adora allowed herself to bask in the fuzzy feeling that the approval provided. 

Soon, it was Adora's turn to order, and so they took a brief break in conversation. After receiving her drink, she waffled about another few seconds. She noted a campus map really was sticking out of her line-friend's purse. 

_Maybe Adora could be helpful? In return for the kindness that had just been offered to her? For real. It wasn't like socialization would ever be a bad thing._

And so, she stepped back into their discussion. "I'm actually waiting for someone, so I'm going to sit over there. But you're free to join me, if you like. Just for a few minutes. I could tell you what's what around here…?"

"That's kind of you, my dear. I'd love to." 

"Oh right, I'm Adora," Adora officially introduced herself. 

"Sharon. It's very nice to meet you, Adora." 

Sharon got her own drink at that moment. Good timing. Adora motioned for Sharon to follow her, then led them to a corner table at the edge of the shop. They sat across from each other. 

"You said you're here for graduation?" Adora asked once they'd settled. 

"I am. Again, I'm trying to find my way around, especially on campus. I expect to be here for some time. One moment." At that, Sharon pulled out her map of the university. 

Thrilled to be having a positive social interaction with someone who was even a little impressed by her, Adora started excitedly explaining various points of interest. 

She started with the best cafes, places to take graduation photos, shortcuts, all tips covering this and that. It wasn't really that interesting, but Sharon didn't seem to mind at all. She was filled with questions _and_ with thanks. What was the fastest route to the dorms after the ceremony? How about ideal parking? Adora could answer both of those questions! She could even take out the pen she used to cross off her daily lists and mark such information on the map. Sharon was very grateful. 

A few minutes later and Adora was feeling like the most helpful person in the world. 

They started talking about other things, Sharon's daughter being the main topic. She was very proud of her, although apparently she'd had a harder time growing up. It was unfortunate, really. Sharon hoped her daughter would have the motivation to make it through her graduate program, just like Adora had. To truly chase her passion, just like Adora was doing. 

Just like Adora.

_It was like Sharon thought she was a role model._

Honestly, it was obvious that Sharon liked Adora, but it still became more and more apparent the longer they talked to each other. _It also made Adora very happy._ After all, she continued to be genuinely interested. 

After about ten minutes of more relaxed conversation, the door to the coffee shop opened. Unlike the dozens of people before, Catra had finally entered. She walked deeper inside, clearly scanning around for Adora. 

"Hey, sorry that's-" Adora cut off the conversation and began waving in Catra's direction. "Hey...! Over here!"

Catra heard her and started to make her way over. She squeezed between two patrons and-

She stopped short. 

Everything was entirely wrong. Adora knew Catra. Adora knew her so well. When Catra had walked in, she was fine. But she was not fine now. Her whole body had done that terrifying thing it did. Someone even bumped into her, it didn't matter. Catra didn't budge. Not an inch. Not a damn millimeter. Nothing. 

Adora felt the smile she'd been wearing the last ten minutes freeze just like Catra. She couldn't tear her eyes away, so she didn't see Sharon's reaction. She didn't need to see Sharon to hear her. 

And Adora did hear her.

She heard ringing words that she was certain she would never, ever manage to scrub from her mind.

"Hello, Catra."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MWAHAHAHA! 
> 
> So! When did you guys see it? Immediately? A second too late with dread? Somewhere in the middle? Whenever it happened, I can only imagine the pain. :,) 
> 
> I know, I know. I'm evil. I'm the true monster.


	27. Per Aspera Ad Astra Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> A few things:
> 
> Firstly, Melon is melon is melon is GREAT, surprise! *cries hysterically*  
>  Direct: https://twitter.com/melonbreadmon/status/1362799988871491585
> 
> Secondly, I never once imagined I'd listen to someone reading me my own porn, but I am so pleased that it has come to be reality. Many many thanks to @paleshroom (@eveningsaphfics on twitter) for gracing us all with such a wonderful reading of Chapter 1 WITH sound effects. 
> 
> I highly recommend giving it a listen: https://anchor.fm/evening-saphfics/episodes/Office-Hours-Ch-1-InErosion-eqon1i/a-a4nbgnu 
> 
> I want to say that I especially enjoyed all y'all's initial takes on Kar- Sharon. There was a wide breadth of opinion regarding her behavior and it was an absolute treat to see it. 
> 
> Anyways, it's about that time.
> 
> Let's put on our hard hats and find out what's up!

Adora didn't understand. 

She didn't understand because it simply didn't make sense. It didn't add up. It didn't follow in the ways she expected it to. 

Surely if she thought harder, redid the math, retraced her steps- 

Because Sharon had been nice. Sharon had… she'd been downright sweet! She'd been proud of her daughter. Seemingly proud of Adora. 

But Sharon also knew Catra's name. She'd just said it. That greeting alone echoed through Adora's mind, ping-ponging its way into a nausea inducing headache. After all, only so many people could possibly know that name.

If that hadn't been evidence enough, which it certainly was, Catra's face cemented the truth. 

Catra's face told all. 

Adora's moment of panicked, sickened confusion must've only lasted about five seconds before reality clicked firmly into place. 

She finally pulled her gaze from Catra's petrified expression to give the monster sitting across that table a new kind of consideration. The kind of consideration that could only be reserved for someone like her. 

_… And this was her._

It was hardly an unfamiliar sensation by that point, but this outclassed the rest of Adora's experiences with anger by miles. This was not a steadily building rumble from within. 

Instead, Adora felt her blood boil faster than it ever had in her entire life. Glimmer- God, Glimmer didn't light a candle to the roaring rage that was threatening to damn near dissolve Adora's veins and drip like acid, searing through the floor. 

Because this was who hurt Catra. This was the woman who had terrified Catra so much that she almost certainly slept with a fucking bat. 

_This was every wall constructed._

_This was every shiver suppressed._

_This was everything bad._

To Adora, that was everything. Red was everything. The whole world. 

_**She was incensed.** _

Sharon looked at her, expression still filled with something that Adora could not identify as anything other than sweetness. It enraged her further. She couldn't tell. She couldn't fucking tell. The mass of terribleness that should have been there was simply not there. Adora couldn't see it no matter how she turned her head. 

_What had Adora done?_

Waves of self loathing crashed down onto her. She tried to speak to Sharon but found she couldn't. 

Surely something else should have happened by now. Surely something, but there was nothing. 

Aside from Adora's near uncontrolled fury, that nothing was the worst part about the seconds that had passed. Because where there should have been words, there was a suffocating silence.

Catra was silent. She had not moved. Had not cried. She wasn't even shaking. She was just standing there, eyes boring into both of them like that, giving no cues as to what Adora should do. 

And so, Adora did not give in and reach across the table to pull Sharon into the red. She did not break down at those waves of guilt that ripped through her. No, Adora did absolutely nothing that could further jeopardize the situation. 

She may have not ever been more angry, but she had also never been more practiced with it. 

Over and over.

_Fo  
cusbrea_

_the._

_Focus.  
Breathe._

_Focus._

_Breathe._

_Focus._

_Breathe._

_Until she had it._

_Until she had tethered herself._

Adora waited for Catra, waited for the rest of the rainbow to return to her vision. It did, but Catra was not who Adora got.

“You’re not going to say hello to your own mother?” Sharon was looking at Catra. Her smile had disappeared, instead replaced by a thin line that mocked the concept. _Finally, Adora could see something…_

And like that, the spell was broken.

"Oh, so _now_ I'm your fucking daughter?" Catra hissed, charged up like she'd shot back several times already. "What happened to 'worthless piece of shit'?" 

“Don’t be difficult. Now,” Sharon briefly turned her attention back to Adora. "She's the one you're waiting for? Interesting. Catra, why don't you come sit with us? You can tell me how you two know each other." She then nodded at Catra, who remained resolutely frozen in place. 

Adora's gaze momentarily fell back down to the table. It was honestly supposed to be a glance. It wasn't. It wasn’t because the map was gone. There went everything Adora had given and couldn't take back. She retained most of her control, but her sense of urgency nearly doubled. 

"Catra, dear,” Sharon had lowered her voice into something sweet and almost concerned. The monster. “I think there's been a... misunderstanding on your part. Perhaps I can get you something and-"

"No! No. There's no misunderstanding. And I'm not taking shit from you. You're the fucking devil."

Adora was acutely aware that people were starting to stare. Starting to stare at this supposedly nice woman and her highly upset daughter. Humiliating. She was humiliating Catra.

Adora was also acutely aware of feeling liquid start to leak over her hand. Sometime during her upset, she'd cracked the pen she'd been holding. Ink had begun to stream into her palm. 

_Focus, Adora._

_Focus again._

_It was time to act._

She shoved the pen into her pocket, a reasonable sacrifice to make for appearing normal.

And she wanted to appear as normal as possible. 

Neither she nor Catra could possibly guess how much Sharon actually knew, not really. But Adora was not about to mess up and give her more information. Were Catra thinking, Adora was sure that she wouldn’t want that either. It was fair that she wasn’t...

"You think you can just come here and- and take everythi-"

But it was all going to explode if something didn't change. 

Decided, Adora abruptly stood up, somehow managing to retain her composure. 

"Sorry, it seems like I'm missing something here," she interrupted, forcing that and a smile in Sharon's general direction. Couldn’t bear more even though she could feel how Sharon watched her. "Catra and I are supposed to head out now. It was great meeting you, Sharon. Really." 

She walked up to Catra like she was making to leave. Catra immediately clung to her front despite furious and confused as she was. Adora was careful to position her body like a wall so that Sharon couldn't see what they were doing. Careful to make Catra the focal point of everything in that moment. To hopefully convey to her that she was there. 

"Are you sure you want to have this conversation right now? Maybe we should talk outside first... get clear on what's happening," Adora said with an evenness that surely surprised both of them. 

"What the fuck, Adora? You know what she's like…! And y-you just sat there…! _How are you okay with this?"_ Catra hissed through gritted teeth. Her anger, and perhaps the safety of not being visible, finally had tears pricking her eyes. 

Yes, Adora did know. She knew before and she now knew even better. She knew all too well, yet so little at the same time.

It was that last part was partially why she so badly needed Catra to trust her. And so, still shielding her and Catra's movements from Sharon, Adora unfurled her fist in order to display her ink stained palm. 

"I know… okay? And it's your choice," she whispered. "It's always your choice, but please think about what you want versus what you need. Like right now… I know I _need_ to be right here a lot more than I _want_ to be 'talking' with her. You taught me a lot about that on Christmas, remember?" 

Catra stared at Adora's hand, posture still tight and upset. She stared and stared - looked so long (especially for her) that Adora thought she might need to turn around and feed another line to Sharon.

_And who knew what that might do._

"Okay," Catra finally muttered, sounding like she was trying to convince herself far more than Adora. "Okay, outside." 

Catra turned to go first. Adora made sure not to touch her as they started out of the shop. She made sure not to look over her shoulder as they left. In fact, she let Catra get several paces ahead before following her out. 

Those fifteen or so seconds of silence were the only reprieve Adora was going to get. She knew as much, even braced herself. As expected, Catra rounded the corner and into an alley. She made sure she was completely out of sight of the wide panes out front, and then she broke. 

Full on tears. 

She had fists clenched. 

Doubled over, probably close to dry heaving.

And though she hadn't turned away, she wasn't touching Adora anymore. 

Not holding on like she just had been a precious few moments before. 

Adora didn't know what to do. What was she supposed to do? 

After several highly terrifying seconds, Catra looked up at her. 

"It wasn't on p-purpose," she bleated out. She was trying to wipe away her tears, but they were coming too fast. "Because you wouldn't. You were upset.”

“Of course I wouldn’t. And I still am upset, but I’m mostly worr-”

“And because you didn’t know.”

“... And because I didn’t know," Adora confirmed. 

_"But how."_

The sheer amount of hurt that was packed into those two words brought matching tears to Adora’s eyes. Though she searched for one, she didn't have an answer to that. It simply wasn't rational. It was a question born of pain alone, and thus there could be no rational answer. No soothing words. Instead, she slowly approached Catra, desperate to fix. To hold.

"Can I touch you? Please?" The request only came when Adora had crossed the tense distance between them. 

"How," was all Catra repeated. "How, b-because it hurts so much... How didn't you know, Adora?"

Adora extended her hand, but let it hover. "I just didn't. Because I couldn't. You know I couldn't know."

"But she's a m-monster. I hate it. I hate it more than fucking anything. I don't understand how you couldn't see it after everything s-she did." 

"I'm so sorry, Catra. I don't have the answer you want right now. I’m..." There was probably nothing worse in the whole world than hurting Catra. It was like Adora had stabbed both of them. "I'm going to hold you, okay?"

Catra nodded. If she wanted to accept the rest of Adora's words, however, she couldn't. Not yet. She was almost incomprehensible.

True to her word, Adora took the risk of contact. First her fingertips. Then her hand. Then her arms, and then Catra was in them. 

It simply repeated. Because that was what hurt most. 

_"How, Adora. How…"_

Adora would apologize as best she could. Because that was all she could offer. 

_"I know, b-but how…"_

And when she could choke down some of her sobs, Catra said she knew it was an accident, but knowing it wasn't on purpose couldn't take away the hurt. 

_"How."_

She would simply have to live through it.

_The worst part was Adora couldn't take it away. All she could do was receive as Catra experienced it. Any anger that might've remained in Adora's chest was long since gone, entirely replaced by guilt._

… After many minutes, Catra's sobs lessened. Diminished into sniffles. Her breathing evened out as she slowly returned into a sounder state of mind.

She didn't pull away.

She had, however, seemed to have decided on an agenda. She looked at Adora with red eyes. 

"Tell me what happened. Tell me what you told her," she said with an almost calm voice that was only betrayed with a small stutter. "I-I need to know. You're right, we… we need to talk about it." 

Adora's heart settled somewhere in her stomach. 

She closed her eyes and relayed everything as it had happened, like the dreaded report it was. 

She started with the fact they'd struck up a pleasant conversation and that she'd discussed teaching. 

She went on to say, with great guilt, that she was the one to initiate exchanging names and that she had invited Sharon to sit. 

She explained why she'd drawn on the map. About… about the dorms…

She repeated all that she could remember from their conversation. 

She said everything. 

Catra stared at Adora once she had finished, deep in thought. She'd finally separated herself and was pacing back and forth. 

"Does she know about us? Like- did you…"

_If she didn't, Adora feared, she still probably had her suspicions._

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "Maybe. I didn't tell her." 

_Adora didn't know a lot of things._

Catra seemed to accept that at face value, then moved on. "Did she remember you?"

Adora hadn't thought of that. She had to concentrate on Sharon's initial reaction to her. That look. "I… I don't think so, but I still don't know." 

"It didn't seem like she did to me. I don't know, but it sounds like it was a fucked up coincidence. I was afraid she'd- fuck," Catra exhaled heavily. "It doesn't even matter if it was planned. It doesn't matter if she knows about us, either. She was still using you to get to me. She does that to everyone. She fishes. She fucking waits for something interesting to bite. And look, now you're really interesting. She's not going to leave this alone. Fuck! I don't get it. We had a system. I dealt with her. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I preferred it when she thought I was shit. At least she left me the hell alone." 

"And she will again. We can make sure of it."

Catra didn't reply, instead seeming to continue delving deeper and deeper into thought. Her brow was furrowed, gaze far. She was still shaky. 

"... Are you sure you don't want to talk about us?" Adora asked tentatively.

Catra looked up. "It's- it'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'm calmer. If you want, later. But thanks for… not believing her. Right now, I just want her gone."

"Right."

"If you really said all that about yourself, she's definitely found you online by now. Probably already knows something's up between us." And then, much to Adora's shock, "I think- can we go back in? I want to end this before she can start it. Get it the hell over with if I can."

Except-

Yeah...

Adora felt nothing but worry at that. 

She honestly didn't think it was a good idea. The situation felt like it had just reached a place of fragile balance. 

"Please come with me, Adora."

But this was what Catra needed from Adora. Support was all she was asking for. Something that said it was okay. 

"Of course," Adora agreed with a small nod. "I'm here." 

At that, they walked hand in hand back around the corner of the coffee shop and toward the entrance. Then inside. Despite her misgivings, Adora decided she would not let go of Catra until this was over. 

Catra practically made a beeline for the table Sharon had been at and-

She was gone.

God...

Adora almost wanted to laugh. It wouldn't have been happy, sure, but she still refrained. They'd both been so absorbed with their conversation. Their plan... that they'd forgotten the obvious: Adora had said goodbye, and they must've been outside for forever. 

_So of course Sharon was gone._

_What possible reason would she have to stay?_

Catra stared at the empty table. Her calm had also left, her panic rapidly returning to take its place. 

"When I said I wanted her gone, that's not what I fucking meant…! Fuck." 

Adora did not let go. "I know, I know. But she's not here." 

"She'll be back," Catra said menacingly. "But she doesn't get to choose when to terrorize me. She shouldn't get to have that." Then, after a very long pause and in a voice so small and frustrated that it was hard to even hear, strong and independent Catra confessed something so rare that Adora wasn't sure she hadn't just hallucinated it. 

"I'm afraid to go back to the dorm, Adora… What if she's there? What if- what if she's waiting for me…?"

\---

Something stated as purely as that would never go ignored. 

_Anything,_ Adora had said.

_She'd do anything._

Anything was… well, anything was how Adora ended up back on campus not even a day later. It was earlier than she had expected to be there again. Furthermore, the circumstances were undeniably uncomfortable. Campus alone was one thing, but Adora had not expected to be here, not ever. She volunteered to do this out of love, and love was about the only thing that could get her to commit. 

So, look. 

It was really weird. 

Really, really weird.

_Kind of... visiting your old high school several years later but it's actually not your high school and like you're trying tofigureoutwhyyou'reeventhere weird._

_Ehhh..._

_Thank God Catra was moving on from this soon._

And Catra? Well, Catra seemed _fine._ If she was still hurt, she was not angry at Adora. She was too rational for that. So they were fine. Fine was it, and certainly good enough given the circumstances. She sure didn't give a damn about the people who noticed them holding hands. Her progress with that, as had been shown with the waiter, was completely real. 

And it wasn't like Adora's own progress wasn't real. 

It was just…

While she had become far more accustomed to people staring, this was an odd combination in its own right. The stares _and_ being in a dorm? Well, the two of them together made for an entirely new kind of awkward experience. Also, there were so many people who knew. So many. More than Adora had ever dealt with before. 

A number of students who were grouped out in the hall were muttering and snickering to each other. That was not at all how Adora recalled college being. 

Like seriously, what was this? 

High school? 

Adora knew people cared, but surely some people shouldn't have. 

_”... Am I ever going to catch a break?”_

"No," Catra replied rather flatly as they approached her room. "Not here, anyway. You're going down in history."

"Oh. Good…" 

Her room was across from the floor's lounge, which had gloriously large glass windows just perfect for people watching. Which, of course, simply had to be what was happening. It was the largest group that obviously knew that Adora had ever come across. All staring at her. 

"Remember when I teased you about fucking in here?" Catra asked as she unlocked her door. 

_Yes… unfortunately so. It was all Adora had been replaying in her head for the last five minutes. You'd think no longer needing to worry about being fired would make being in a dorm easier, but it didn't. It merely yielded a different kind of discomfort._

Adora pulled her eyes away from the lounge. "Yeah…?"

"How about now?" Catra opened the door and motioned for Adora to follow her. "Pretty sure it's our last chance."

Naturally, Adora immediately shut it behind them. The break from the gawking was already a massive relief. She was about to decline the generous offer before her when it occurred to her that she'd… never seen this before. 

It was another last chance. This time, it was one Adora was glad to have. It sufficiently distracted her from why they were even there in the first place. 

She'd never actually seen Catra's room before. 

_Catra's room._

She took a moment to let it soak in. 

_Because as always, there was something nice about discovering something new when it came to Catra. No matter how small._

So yeah, not much space, obviously. The room had standard bland walls.

It was messy. A little bare in some ways, but mostly from Catra hardly living in it anymore. 

Adora was very proud to see the bat she'd bought her reverently leaning against the desk. 

Oh, the desk chair was thoroughly broken. Mangled, really. Were chairs supposed to have that much wiring? 

"I'm not excited to get charged for that," Catra nodded at it. "Scorpia's fault, then another friend of ours tried to turn it into an RC, but oh well."

There were no strands of Christmas lights. Not even one. Adora wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or not.

There was a stuffed animal on the bed!

Ah, Scorpia had gotten it for her. Well. That killed some of Adora's excitement. Catra had kept it, though. And based on how it looked, it was a few years old. Sweet.

The thing Adora loved most about the room, however, was how it smelled like Catra. Home was a mix of them both, so Adora had to get close to Catra to take in her scent. Here, though? Here it was in everything. 

Okay, so no sex.

But Adora was totally up for a nap. 

_No._

No…

Cruel reality sunk in again when Catra started stripping her sheets. 

_It was hard to believe Adora had forgotten yesterday even for moment._

She came up beside Catra and rather awkwardly started to help. "Yeah, Scorpia… right. Did you tell her why you're moving out early?"

"No," Catra replied simply. "I made it more about us. Using the lesbian U-haul card, you know. She’ll stop by in a bit." 

_Ah…_

"How much does she know, anyway? About her." Adora probed further. 

"Some, but not what just happened. I don't think it's worth worrying her. She's happy. We're leaving. We'll… figure it out." 

That put a solemn tone in the air.

And so, Adora said her quiet hello and goodbye to the room within those first few minutes. 

They worked in relative silence for the reason of the time they were there.

After that little move out, Sharon hung over them in all her unpleasantness. What should have been a stressful but exciting time had been made heavy by her shadow. It forced the much bigger event of moving out of the house into a similar quietness, something that made Adora genuinely grateful for the little goodbye get together that Catra had insisted on. 

Adora even left a little earlier than she needed to, just as Catra had left the dorm.

_Anticlimactic._

_But…_

_Safe._

Late on the first night they spent in her box-filled apartment, and with Catra comfortably curled up in her arms, Adora briefly considered floating the concept of forgiveness as something Catra could also do for _herself_ someday. It hurt so much to see her in pain. Of course… Adora quickly disregarded that thought. That tactic might have worked for Adora when it came to Glimmer, but Sharon wasn't Glimmer. Frankly, she was worse. This was Catra's path. Adora wasn't about to step in the way of it, God no. 

Besides, it would probably be hypocritical for her to suggest it. Forgiveness was out of the question even for Adora, at least at that point. Every time she considered it, that old vision of a younger, terrified Catra clutching her bat flashed before her eyes. 

It was simply too much to get past. 

She didn't tell Catra that, just held tighter. It wouldn't help Catra. But that, alongside Adora's never ending (and unrequested) desire to make up for her mistake, pushed her to be even more present than usual. That worked fine for Catra. Catra had only expressed her fear once, but it colored the immediate future very clearly.

They did just about everything together. 

Adora was with Catra almost all the time outside of work.

On an unfortunate weekend final, she was there waiting for Catra to finish. 

Hell, she was at the batting cages whenever Catra went. Adora was there because she made Catra feel safe, even if she was just sitting on the ground, back against the wire as she surfed her phone. 

… It probably meant nothing, but she felt watched from the shadows. Adora didn't like that they were there mostly in the evenings after work. The bright lights overhead thoroughly illuminated them, sure. But maybe that was the issue. Maybe it was too thorough. It was like a spotlight, and it made the darkness surrounding them even darker than it should've been.

She didn't like that she couldn't see as clearly. 

She didn't like it at all, but she did it. 

It became somewhat normal to live that way.

Adora didn't like that much either. 

Catra was in this strange place where she still wanted to confront Sharon, yet she wasn't exactly up to calling her and setting up a meeting. It was as if she had worked herself up once already that having that fall through took all the fuel out of her. Adora didn't question the ambivalence. It was understandable. 

As graduation ticked from close to imminent, Adora had to assume that would be when Sharon would show. 

_It was obvious Catra hoped that she would not._

The pleasant hope that Sharon had left immediately and that the day would be calm. 

Adora worried about that, thought it might be something that would cause future troubles. 

Taint the image a little too brightly, so to speak. 

A silly thought. 

Catra would never think that way.

"She'll be there," she said quietly over breakfast only two days before the big event. Her eyes were glassy. "It's too late to stop that."

"... She will." Adora agreed. 

"But she'll regret it."

"Yeah?" 

Catra gave a short nod. "Yeah."

\---

Graduation day came as quietly as the prior days had passed. It wasn't like Catra would have ever made it the most joyous affair. _After all, she thought the robes were dumb._ Still though, regardless of the sunny sky, the uneasy cloudiness remained.

There was a brief peace, at least. It arose from the knowledge that Sharon had not found them. They'd had a breather. Adora liked to think that success boosted their chance of success. 

Although, it was true that Catra seemed… resigned to being determined, if that made any sense. Like it was her only choice, so that was what she was going to do. She'd run out the clock. She'd recharged her willingness to confront Sharon. The ambivalence was gone, replaced with a tired kind of anger just hidden behind smaller moments of an older, more genuine sweetness. 

"No screaming, thanks," she requested of Adora with a small smile before they parted. Again, as if this was normal. 

_Adora was almost fervently scanning around for Sharon. She had hoped it would be before, maybe then they could've gotten a nicer ceremony. Alas. She knew she'd appear when she wanted to… but Adora still wanted to see it coming if she could._

Adora returned the smile. Perhaps screaming might've been a possibility before this whole fiasco, but Catra had nothing to worry about. 

"Got it."

"And I'm not throwing my cap. It cost forty bucks." 

"Wait until you get your PhD."

"Ugh. Don't remind me." 

_It was the little things…_

At least Catra hadn't repeated that she was afraid. Adora trusted that meant it was true. 

They kissed goodbye.

It felt like a goodbye.

It felt like much too big of a goodbye.

Catra gave Adora her ticket, then left. 

There was nothing for it but to do it, so Adora walked in the opposite direction to enter the stadium. 

Catra had a point back when she said Sharon would find a way. See, Sharon could be anywhere. There were too many people for event organizers to actually have a handle on, and it wasn't hard to believe someone could've slipped in through all the unofficial entrances and exits. 

Adora was simply glad when all the graduates were situated. Catra hadn't been ambushed while they were separated. 

All went as smoothly as could be right up until the ceremony started. Just as the first speaker crossed the stage, she finally appeared. 

_What an entrance._

Sharon liked entrances, Adora noted. 

She must have searched forever to find Adora, but she sat down next to her like it was nothing. 

And no, she did not ask. 

"Hello there, Adora," Sharon greeted over the speaker. It was unnerving. It was like nothing had happened. 

As much as Adora hated it, as much as it sparked the anger inside of her all over again, she knew she had to keep it under control. But most importantly, she had to keep Sharon _here._

_If anyone was gawking at her, she sure wasn't going to notice. Not with this happening._

Catra wanted Adora with her when it happened. If Sharon walked away now… there was a chance she'd find Catra before Adora could once the ceremony was over. 

And that meant playing the game.

There was nothing for it but to grin and bear it. 

"Oh, hi…!" Adora's voice went a little higher than normal. "I didn't expect to see you again?"

"And miss my own daughter's graduation?" Sharon chuckled. "What must you think of me?"

_Hah._

_Hah._

"Yeah." 

Adora could already feel her fingers beginning to threateningly curl around the edges of the commencement program. Paper would be far easier to destroy than a pen, so Adora had to consciously make a highly concentrated effort not to start tearing. 

_She found herself wondering what Sharon knew all over again. What was it with this woman?_

She decided she must've known they were together. That had to be true despite the apparent lack of homophobia. After all, she hadn't questioned why Adora was there. Adora's presence at all had likely filled in the gaps for her. 

"I'm so sorry about our last interaction. Catra is… you know how she can be. We had a hard time when she was growing up, but it's so important for me to be here and support her."

Okay.

Maybe this was going to be harder than Adora thought. 

"Me too," was what she settled on. She gave Sharon a pointed look, still matching that awful smile. 

There was a long pause in which the only sounds were the speaker and the annoyed grumbles of those behind them. 

"Well… I hope she's better now," Sharon finally said. "I worry about her." 

"I think she's doing just fine."

It could've ended there, but no. 

Sharon's gaze flitted down for a moment. "That's a pretty necklace," she commented. 

_Oh no, no she didn't. She didn't get to try and taint that._

"It is. I pretty much never take it off. I wish I didn't have to for judo," Adora exhaled her amped up disappointment for emphasis. "But you know." 

Sharon gave no satisfaction. Not one muscle moved. 

"I see. That sounds excellent." 

… It was excruciating to sit with her.

Torture made even worse by the fact she couldn't get a text off at this proximity. Even if Adora shared Catra's ability to text without looking, she wasn't sure Catra was in a position to read it. 

And if Catra did look into the crowd, did see her, she'd see them together again. 

It wasn't like it was a short ceremony. Sharon kept her busy throughout, never dipping too far over. Still, Adora felt like she could see it better this time - her. The real her. 

However slow it might have felt, the reality was that time kept ticking. It was inevitable that they eventually made it to the endlessly long list names. Adora kept herself busy by checking the program a few times a minute, waiting, waiting, waiting for Catra's moment to come. 

She had to wait a long time, but finally it was Catra's turn. She started to walk. 

_Summa cum laude, obviously. So much damn work for that degree in biology._

Unlike Sharon, Adora was genuinely proud. She found could hardly access it, though. She was too tense. She was too-

 _"Adora,"_ Sharon said sharply. 

Adora's attention was instantly brought back to her unwanted companion. Sharon was observing her with the most curious of expressions. Yes, Adora could certainly see it now. Sharon was hardly even bothering to hide it now. 

_Adora could hear rushing. It practically drowned out everything else. The program had finally begun to tear._

One second, two…

No more than that. 

Sharon shook her head. "I must've forgotten. I'm so sorry."

Adora quickly looked back at Catra. 

_She'd missed it._

She'd fucking-

_Fuck._

Bitch.

… What remained of the ceremony was an exercise in restraint the likes of which Adora could never have anticipated. 

It was counting to ten over and over. It was every bit of focus she had being directed into one thing and one thing alone: _staying still._

The moment she was allowed up, she was up. Up and out. She just knew that Sharon would be following her. But Adora had to find Catra, and she had to find her now. 

No sooner had she thought that thought than a text came through. 

(1:37 p.m.)

_**Catra:** bio bld meet. cams out front _

The bio building? That wasn't near here. There wouldn't be anyone- there wouldn't be anyone. Okay, so Catra had come up with something. Okay. Adora did her best to calm herself as she forced her way out of the stadium and away from where students and families were starting to congregate.

She pushed down her remaining anger and rising fear in favor of focusing entirely on her goal. 

Sure enough, Catra was standing outside the unsettlingly quiet and totally empty area out in front of the biology building. Adora practically broke into a sprint. 

Catra flung her arms around her the moment she was there. Adora, still in a panic, was initially surprised by the forwardness. But she quickly fell into it, clinging just as tight. 

"I need you to know I am actually proud of you. I am. I'm so proud, and I'm sorry. I'm so- I'm so sor-"

"I know," Catra cut her off, voice firm and with a hand on the back of Adora's head. "I know. I saw her. She's coming, right?"

_And Catra was not._

Adora nodded. "She so knows more than we think." 

"Then I have to do it. I'm ready."

Catra separated herself from hug, then bravely turned in the direction that Adora had come from. If she was afraid, she wasn't letting it show. 

Sure enough, _she_ was in the distance. 

Taking her time.

Watching them.

It was honestly fucking terrifying. 

It made Adora's skin crawl. 

She didn't want Sharon to get close. 

She wanted to go knock her out and be done with it like that. 

But no, because Catra was waiting. Catra had come up with this on the fly. Catra had made this work on her own terms, so neither of them would be running. 

When Sharon reached them, the facade was largely gone again. She was neutral yet... analytical. This time, she waited for Catra to start. 

_If she was doing that on purpose, it certainly couldn't have been a gift. Just another manipulation. Just another tool._

"You know, I told you not to fly in," Catra began. "But then you did. I told you I wouldn't give you tickets, but then you still came. I got the message. You want me? Here I am. And I am so fucking sick of your shit, Sharon. So say what you have to say so I can finally be done with your shit."

Sharon's expression darkened a little at that. "I know you have your feelings about me, but I came all this way to speak with you despite our history. I'm here to give you the chance to make amends, Catra." 

"That's it?" Catra raised an eyebrow. "Well cool, I don't fucking want to."

Sharon's eye twitched. "I have an _arrangement_ in mind."

"Great. I don't fucking want that either."

"If you would let me speak, then you'd have a clearer understanding. We could go out, have a nice meal and t-" 

_Oh, Sharon could not have picked a worse approach._

_"No._ I'm done with dinners. I'm done with talking. I'm done with everything you twist. I know you don't care, but I don't want your money. That's what it is, right? You help me, I help you later. Something to hold over my head? Something to worm your way in with? Guess what, you're not as clever as you think you are."

Sharon did not speak. 

"Well?" Catra raised her voice even more. "You leaving yet?" 

"You have no idea what you are talking about," Sharon muttered darkly. "After everything I've done for you-"

"More like everything you did to me," Catra hissed, interrupting yet again. Perhaps instinctively, she finally took Adora's hand. "I'm never helping you. You can't buy or threaten me. I have everything I need right here, so you better fucking bet that I won't let some child-abusing monster control me." 

That-

Sharon finally looked supremely offended.

_Surely she was before, but now it showed._

Then angry.

_That showed too._

Enraged. 

Once more, she did not speak, but this time the silence was far worse. Adora squeezed Catra's hand. Sharon could take this moment to walk away, she could. She could walk away from her attempt at control. 

But everyone there must've known that wouldn't happen. 

_What would really happen?_

"... You've never been anything but insolent. Ungrateful. Disgusting. Of course you'd sleep with a professor to get where you are." 

_Fuck, that. That would happen._

Adora felt her own blood run cold. She looked at Catra, then Sharon, mouth open but with nothing to say. 

"What the fuck is it with that?" Catra laughed in frustration. It wasn't the reaction Sharon wanted, at least. She downright scowled. "She taught history...! History! You feel so smart stalking everyone, but do you even know what I'm studying?! Did you bother to listen when I walked?!"

"And I hear she destroyed her career over it," Sharon replied sharply, totally ignoring Catra's second and third questions. Clearly she had decided on a new plan of attack. Now she was looking at Adora. "Tell me, Adora, was it worth it? I knew I recognized you. She had a disgusting obsession with you when she was younger, you know. Or maybe you're worse than she is, is that it?" 

Adora hadn't quite been prepared for the vicious swap, but at least she had considered it. Now she was holding on to Catra for support. 

"You don't know what you're talking about," she said as calmly as she could. "Please just leave."

"I don't know what I'm talking about?" Sharon sneered. "Let me guess. Now you've ruined everything else in your life, you're going to follow her for 'love'. You think you're going to live happily ever after in New York? You studied history. Catra's a PhD student. You'll both drown in that city. You're pathetic."

Like that, Catra relinquished Adora's hand. 

"... Don't you ever talk to her like that. You don't get to do that."

Somehow, she and Sharon were inches apart. 

"Don't talk to her like that? Don't you talk to me like that. I should've gotten rid of you a long time ago. You've never been anything than a weak, worthless pie-"

"Go the fucking hell," Catra spat.

_That was it._

It happened in a flash. One moment Sharon's entire body seemed to be brim full of rage, the next she had painted it across Catra's face. 

Adora instantly roared. 

Adora was going to hit Sharon.

She was. 

And to be perfectly honest, she wasn't sure she was ever going to stop. 

… Except Catra didn't need backup.

People were supposed to be stunned after getting slapped. Catra wasn't. Maybe it was one too many. Maybe it was years of resisting already. Maybe it was something else, but Catra had already reacted by reeling her fist back. 

_And wham._

Adora froze. 

Catra had punched Sharon squarely in the nose. 

Sharon stumbled backwards, clutching her face. 

Oh, there was blood.

And- and when she looked up, Sharon almost looked like she was going to cry. But she didn't. Of course she wouldn't want to be seen that way. Instead, after all the shock and disbelief slowly disappeared, all that came through was hatred. 

"How… how _dare_ you…?! You're going to regret giving up the only family you have left. You'll be lonely. You'll be a waste. You need me."

"That's rich coming from you," Catra panted in reply. 

Her hand remained raised, so it was obvious the adrenaline was still flowing. 

Sharon looked at Catra's fist. 

She wiped some blood off her face. 

Adora could see the cogs working. 

It was hard, but she did. 

"The only correct thing you've said," Sharon muttered murderously, "is that I shouldn't have come here. I should've known you were a waste. Don't come to me when you've failed."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

After a few more agonizing seconds, Sharon's back was to them. She left a trail of blood behind her, cursing this and that. Angry as ever. But gone. 

Adora looked at Catra.

It was clear that they were both in shock.

Indeed, she had to touch Catra to pull her out of her daze. 

The very first thing Adora did was attend to Catra's hand. "You… you actually hit her." 

"Well, I always wanted to…"

"Are you okay?" 

Still coming down, Catra had started swaying a little on the spot. Adora glanced around to find Sharon had fully disappeared. 

"I-I think so," Catra mumbled. "I mean, yeah. Obviously. I…" She looked down at her hand. It was already starting to bruise. 

There was a long silence in which they both stared at her injury. Then, a release. A short laugh, a tense one, yes. But a release nonetheless. 

"You think I broke it?" Catra asked with another tiny chuckle. 

Adora lightly ran her thumb over the hurt skin. Catra didn't react as badly as Adora would have directly after. Just a minor wince.

"No," she shook her head. "I think, um… people are a little squishier than fridges." 

Yet more nervous amusement. _Mostly_ sure that nothing was broken, Adora let the hand she was holding drop and pulled Catra into another hug. 

"I punched her," Catra repeated Adora's observation from earlier. "I… I…"

_This one didn't feel urgent._

"You did," Adora laughed. 

_It didn't feel hard._

"And she's gone."

_It felt happier._

"And she's gone…!" 

_Relieved._

"... Fuck, my hand hurts. It really- shit." 

_Like home._

"Trust me, I know." 

And they were both crying. Crying because it was over. Crying because Catra had graduated. Crying because it was something. God, it was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Badabing badaboom, Adora gets her own nonviolent closure and Catra gets to enact the good ol' one… just one. Heh. 
> 
> Well, ya know I gotta ask now. 
> 
> Who do you hate more, Glimmer or Sharon?


	28. The Ingredients to a Happy Life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> Welcome back to Softshell Thursday. 
> 
> So, I don't generally put chapter counts until late game simply because I find my stories WiLdLy expand and contract without clear rhyme or reason. It's getting to late game, though. As such, I'll probably update the count come _next_ week. I can already tell you that I'm anticipating 2-3 (...maybe 4, but only if necessary) more chapters.
> 
> You guys have just been ughhh so amazing. I couldn't ask for more! All of you keeping up every week, all of you with the kudos, all of you commenting, you guys make my Thursday each week. Thank you so much. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!

It was early. How early, Adora didn't know. All she knew was that she'd awoken with a start large enough to stir Catra, who was splayed out over Adora like a human blanket. 

It was hardly an uncommon position. Honestly, it was one that never seemed to vary anymore. If it was even possible, Catra seemed even more unphased by her own neediness. As such, Adora was subject to quite a lot of affection. She was always ready to meet Catra where she was without question. 

The calm of moments like these was gift enough, but when they became a little mundane? Well, Adora had learned long ago that mundane had its place in the world. Mundane was downright precious at times, and it was nice that it had returned. 

It wasn't that there wasn't plenty to do, no. It was just the atmosphere. Two weeks could change a lot, and it was different without anything hanging over their heads. Things were technically moving at the speed of light, sure. Adora was reasonably certain she could get a similar position at the New York location of her current grocery chain, but she was still waiting to hear back about a possible interview for a desk job at some consulting firm. Catra had busied herself with reading day and night. Though that was stressing her out a fair amount, she seemed confident and self-satisfied. Neither of them had bothered to unpack most of the stuff they'd brought (to be fair, it was all going to end up in boxes again anyways). It was a lot - _and yet._ And yet. 

It was calm.

It was mundane.

It was all perfectly welcome. 

Adora did not anticipate any variation in the pattern today. Didn't want it, either. She was content to wrap her arms around Catra. 

Catra seemed more than happy to reciprocate the kindness. She was definitely barely even awake, but she huddled yet closer to Adora. She was just present enough to press a few sleepy kisses to her lips.

_And that was when Adora noticed a little something…_

Because each time their lips met, the world seemed to spin. And like- Catra did that to her anyway, but this was a lot. Furthermore, Adora was left breathless despite the brevity of each kiss. How much sleep had she gotten? Not much, she guessed. Her eyes burned, so she closed them. Her arms were heavy, so she slackened their hold. 

The affection ended as quickly as it had started. 

Catra succumbed to the grip of sleep not long after. 

That was great. Catra sleeping was great. It was all great except for the fact that it actually left Adora awake. Awake, tired, but also definitely not getting back to bed. Things might've been moving fast lately, but the day had hardly begun and it already felt agonizingly slow. If she was going to be extra slow, Adora decided, then she could probably use a head start. She committed herself to going to the restroom before obtaining breakfast.

Adora carefully scooched Catra off of her, then rolled out of bed, stood up-

And sat right back down on the mattress. Her knees had practically buckled just from bearing weight. 

Uhh... 

Back up, maybe? 

A step forward, _maybe?_

Dizzy.

_So dizzy._

Oh. 

Down again, this time crumpling all the way to the floor, although her descent was in a slightly more controlled manner than her initial fall. Now Adora was lying flat on the ground. If the aching in her body was anything to go off of, she probably wasn't getting up any time soon. 

_Was she sick?_

_No…_

_No._

Probably not. Maybe she’d practiced too hard at the studio yesterday. Whatever it was, she thought it best to resign herself to it for the moment. Being utterly flattened. If she didn't move, it was actually quite nice in some ways. 

It was like a new perspective! 

Yeah.

That was what she reasoned.

That made total sense.

At any rate, Adora didn't exactly have the greatest sense of time. Five minutes could've been ten, or maybe it was the other way around. Nevertheless, Adora knew there must've been a good chunk of hazy mindlessness in which she waited for Catra to wake. At least she was perfectly content to spend that time staring at the ceiling while pacing her breathing…?

Eventually, there was some rustling from the bed.

Then very muffled and groggy, _"Adora...?"_

Oh, there was Catra. Adora tried to lift her head. _Nope. Never mind._

"Uh… I'm over here, heh."

More sounds of movement, then Catra's strangely hazy face suddenly appeared from above. She was peering over the edge of the bed with tired eyes.

_So pretty._

_Adora was so lucky._

_How'd she get so lucky?_

She smiled rather dumbly up at Catra, soaking in that feeling in its entirety. "Hi, honey." 

"... What are you doing on the floor?"

_Oh. What was she doing on the floor? She'd totally forgotten she was even there._

"Well, uh…" Adora tilted her head, desperately trying to walk herself through the morning she'd had so far. It was a lot to process. "I woke up. I know I did that."

"Yeah?"

"And then you woke up," she continued, "but you fell back asleep. And I didn't- didn't fall back asleep, I mean."

Catra seemed fully awake by now, but she was staring at Adora like she had absolutely no idea what to do with her. "Okay, and the floor?"

"I think I was going to go to the bathroom and… then get breakfast. But I guess I ended up here?"

"Right, right. Are you coming back to bed at all? Or..."

Adora considered that. Tried to process it through her muddy brain. Flexed her legs to test the idea. Her eyes nearly watered from the combined effort. It was possible, but it would certainly drain her of most of the strength she'd accumulated since she'd been still. 

_She would need that energy for work._

So, she shook her head. "I uh, I think I’m pretty good down here for now." 

"Are you?" Catra raised an eyebrow. 

"Mhmm... just peachy. I'm having a little rest."

"Yeah, well you don't look so hot."

"You don't think I'm hot?" Adora immediately frowned. 

"Jesus, Adora. I meant- fuck, okay." 

Catra shook her head while grumbling something under her breath, then inched a little further off the bed and reached down to touch Adora's forehead with the back of her hand. 

"Yep. You're burning up," she sighed and pulled her hand up. "Why am I not surprised? Hey, do you know if we unpacked the thermometer?"

Adora stared blankly up at Catra, somehow forgot she was supposed to reply, then suddenly remembered. "... Oh! Um. Maybe? But I'm okay," she added with a happy little smile. "Really." 

Rather illogically, Adora thought that might be that. That Catra might simply accept that explanation for what it was and choose to return to sleep. Adora would’ve gladly continued to stare at the ceiling until the end of time. That wasn't that, however, because apparently Catra decided that finding a thermometer was super duper important. 

_"Okay my ass,"_ she muttered as she slid out of bed and headed into the bathroom.

Unfortunately for Catra, her search seemed to be in vain. Adora heard a variety of curses from the other room. 

After listening to Catra’s frustrated search from anywhere between two seconds and seven hours, Adora's alarm finally went off from somewhere on the nightstand. Adora's mindset flipped like a switch, because _yup,_ it was time to get moving. That’s just the way it was. Like a machine (and against all odds), Adora braced herself before slowly, slowly sitting herself up. 

_Hooooboy._

_That caused a groan to escape her lips._

_She was winded from moving it all._

_And! And she was aching a lot._

_Was she aching this much before? She swore she hadn’t._

Catra instantly reappeared (empty handed) and fell to her knees at Adora's side. She reached out, putting a hand on Adora's arm to stabilize her. "Hey, hey. Hold on a sec, you really should rest some more, even if it is on the floor."

"I'm good," Adora assured her, once again sporting a dumb grin as the world momentarily grayed out. It came back, though! The sound of her alarm continued to blare, and so began her second struggle: getting to her feet. "I need… need to get ready for work." 

Catra reached up to turn the alarm off. "You- Adora. You've got to be kidding me. You're sick. You shouldn't go in like this."

"I'm not- _woah…"_ Adora's elbows almost gave in as she pulled herself to a standing position using the bed. 

Catra rose with her and helped her along the way. "You are so sick."

"Where would I have gotten something?"

"Literally anywhere. The store. The studio. A neighbor. Come on, Adora. I really think you should call in. Working like this would suck ass." 

"Pfft," Adora waved the idea away. "I can do it."

Even if she was sick, there was no real reason to call in. Sure, Adora was leaving soon and she _could_ risk taking a day off, but she didn't even want to. 

Like… people depended on her! To do things. And stuff… 

"Seriously, they can stock applesauce without you," Catra said as if she'd just read Adora's mind. Clearly to prove her point, she picked up a nearby box of still packed things and placed it squarely in Adora's hands. She very nearly dropped it. "See? You can't help."

_Hardly…!_

_Adora could always help._

_Somehow._

_Uh…_

Okay, well, what if her awful manager got upset? She wasn't looking for a reason to get prematurely let go before the official move. That would just stress her tenuously balanced finances out more. 

With that thought in mind, Adora put the box down. She trudged past both Catra and several other boxes to where she had her work uniform laid out, then proceeded to struggle to pull off her nightshirt. It got stuck halfway over her head. Oh man, Adora was basically helpless. 

_Also… a mean headache was starting up. Yuck._

She might not have been able to see anything, but she could sense the obvious concern. Soon enough, she even heard it.

"Adora, I'm telling you that this is a bad idea. You barely made it across the room."

"It's a _fiiine_ idea," Adora replied. 

"It's a terrible idea. You're going to make yourself worse." 

"You don't need to worry! I'll just… plow through."

Then, "Adora- ugh." Catra huffed. "Okay. What can I do to get you to agree to stay home?"

"I'll be back in no time," Adora shrugged off the question, still thoroughly entangled. "It'll be like… I'm not even gone? I'm great, I promise." 

Catra finally came up behind her and tugged her shirt off. "If you can't think of yourself, at least think of everyone else. You don't want to get customers sick, do you?"

_Huh._

Adora froze.

_Right…_

Because, well-

_That was quite a good point._

But!

"I could get you sick," Adora rationalized as she restarted her routine and reached for her polo shirt. 

"We're already fluid bonded. That's kind of a lost cause." 

"We're totally not. I'm fine! I'm fine." But, um… "Also, what's that mean?" 

_"It means,"_ Catra began, carefully spinning Adora around so that they were facing each other. "That whatever is making you sick is already infecting me. We kiss and fuck all the time, dummy. We don't really have a barrier between us when it comes to this stuff." 

"Oh."

That did sound smart. It sounded very smart. _Hmm. Catra was so smart. Making all these good points and things like that._

Well- well, Adora suddenly felt hopelessly torn between the two potential futures before her. One hand was still holding her nightshirt, the other had that awful blue work shirt. She swayed... less out of her lack of certainty and more out of the fact that her sense of balance had decided to leave her again. 

Naturally, Catra noticed both the indecision and imbalance. She closed what little space remained between them, a hand coming up to cup Adora's face. "Listen, it could be nice, you know. We could hang out all day. Watch stuff… or just be together." 

And when Adora continued to be torn? 

When even _that_ didn't work? 

"Fuck, okay, let me think what else. What else..." Catra bit her lip, brow furrowed in concentration. "I'd… make you soup? Yeah, I'd make you soup." 

_Holy-_

"You would?" Adora asked in a whisper that was barely even audible. She was so struck with disbelief at the thought that Catra would do that for her. "You're bribing me with food?"

"I would." Catra rolled her eyes. "And yeah, that's basically the idea." 

It took another couple seconds for Adora to push that offer through her brain. She continued to stare, though this time more in awe than anything else, until Catra started saying… things again. 

_"Huh?"_

"I asked if that's a yes or a no." 

As if on cue, Adora's stomach grumbled. 

_... Well._

\---

When incessant sniffling started up shortly after Adora had made her decision, Catra offered to call in for her. 

Adora readily agreed. 

Catra did so, which was sweet. 

Not before insisting that after Adora use the restroom, she get back into bed, though. 

Not before making her take some cold relief medicine.

Not before placing a finger on her chest and telling her to stay put. 

_Or else._

It wasn't like Adora was going anywhere. She'd even privately admitted to herself that she probably was sick. She felt more out of it than ever since the meds hadn't yet kicked in. Indeed, that _sicky-icky_ kind of fatigue was rapidly dragging her back to sleep. 

"What are you talking about?" Catra's voice was rather hazy. "Jesus, you people. I _am_ family and I'm telling you she can hardly wa- what, is fiancée not good enough for you?”

_Oh? Adora wasn't really following whatever was happening…_

"Yeah, that's what I thought.”

_But…_

"Bye."

_Unless she was missing something big, they weren't-_

Gone. Adora was gone. 

The thought was gone too.

It left her the moment she fell asleep.

Apparently, Catra really did make Adora soup and everything. Adora didn't know that Catra had, however, until she awoke to the most heavenly sight on Earth. 

"You're back!" Adora exclaimed in a strange kind of tired delight as Catra returned bearing a tray laden with utter happiness. 

_She may have gotten a fair bit more delirious than she cared to admit. But Catra was so cute! Catra was so sweet! Catra was so kind! Catra had even brought hot chocolate with the soup! And some fruit!_

_She knew Adora too well._

"Uh huh. Sit up, genius."

Adora did as she was told and was promptly rewarded both with delicious food and Catra sitting next to her on the bed. 

"I hope you know you're only getting this because you're sick," Catra informed her, although she was still careful that Adora didn't accidentally burn herself before fully relaxing. 

Adora took great pleasure in eating, but took even greater pleasure in the thought that occurred to her.

"Catra."

"Hm?"

_"Catraaa."_

Catra looked over at her. "Yeah?"

Adora felt an even dumber smile than usual spread across her face. "I just realized you're like… a _soup-chef,"_ she giggled. “'Cause you made me soup.”

Catra's expression did not twitch even a millimeter. She simply wouldn’t dignify Adora with a response. No, she just quietly sighed and pulled out her phone, ready to accept whatever was about to be thrown at her next. 

Once the soup and fruit had been devoured and the hot chocolate glugged, Adora found that while her achiness had lessened, it was making her feel… wanting. A little small, even. She leaned into Catra, finally admitting to her that she really did feel sick. 

Catra put a comforting arm around her and began reading nonsense from a few of the denser papers that she was reviewing to prep for Columbia. Adora didn't follow a single bit of it. Nope, not one word. 

It was a highly effective tactic that essentially turned her brain to mush. 

When Catra started lightly massaging the muscles that Adora reported as sore, though? Well, Adora was sleeping again like _that._

She spent much of the morning that way. She ended up relaxing best with her head on Catra's lap, eyes closed and dozing in and out of mild fever dreams. Some were good. Some were less good. Each time she woke, however, she felt Catra gently caressing her hair and whispering for her to rest some more. It was the kindest possible form of reassurance. Without fail, the act lulled Adora back to the comfort of sleep. 

_Calm._

If Adora had been less sick and more present, she would've logged this interaction as one of her favorites. 

Maybe she didn't need to, though.

It wasn't like she was ever going to forget.

"I love you," Catra eventually whispered from somewhere off in the distance as a finger traced Adora's jaw. The fuzziness wasn't made any clearer by the fact the world seemed to be moving. "But I have to get up for a bit. My legs are dying and I need some food."

Adora groaned her displeasure. Upon realizing that Catra was indeed leaving the bed, she opened her eyes.

"I want to come." 

"Needy." Catra teased, but extended her hand to help Adora out of bed. 

She was still so dizzy standing up. Oh god. 

Contrary to all of Catra's prior prodding, she supported much of Adora's weight without any real complaint. 

They took their time walking side by side out to the kitchen, where Catra started rummaging for something that didn't require a lot of prep time. A sandwich. _An extra fancy sandwich,_ now that Catra could cook, but a sandwich nonetheless. 

"If you're not getting better by tomorrow, I'm going out to buy a new thermometer. Screw finding it in this mess."

"Mmm," Adora propped herself up on the counter. The meds were certainly helping, but medication alone didn't make her legs feel any stronger. "Probably a good idea."

"Good." Catra seemed pleased with the agreement. "I'm… honestly glad you're realizing it's okay for me to take care of you sometimes. It has to be mutual. You know, since we're living together." She seemed to think for a solid couple of seconds. "Although, I can't wait to never speak to your manager again. What a fucking dick."

_Ding._

It came back, even through all the haziness. 

"Catra?" Adora just knew she had that smile again. She felt downright giddy.

_Like, thank God! What a tragedy it would’ve been if she hadn’t been able to address it._

"Yeah?"

"You told him that we're engaged.”

Catra paused. "Yeah, I did. I did it so he’d let you stay home, stupid." 

"Obviously. _But you still said it."_

Then Catra looked over her shoulder, faintly... concerned? "Should I not lie about that? I guess I figured- well, if you don't like the idea…"

Adora quickly blubbered out that it was fine, great, awesome, all while shaking her head and eliciting a small laugh from Catra. 

_Man, Adora loved that Catra had done that._

_She wasn't ever going to get enough of stuff like that._

_She inhaled the happiest breath she thought she'd ever taken._

_Sure, it would take time to get to that point._

_But it was going to happen._

_Adora just knew it was going to happen someday._

_The only question was…_

"Waaait. Catra," Adora suddenly squinted, thinking much harder than was probably good for her given her state. "If we get married, someone needs to propose."

"Ah, you came up with that one all on your own?"

"I'm serious!" Adora was indeed dead serious. She'd stood up straight and everything. In her mind, this was a _crucially vital_ question that demanded an immediate answer. This was their future! Personally, Adora thought she should do it, but discussing it was important! "Who'd propose?"

Catra turned around, looking more than a little amused. She opened her mouth to answer- 

And Adora's phone rang from the other room. _Who…?_ Adora instinctively started to push off the counter, ready to get that darn thing or die trying, but Catra quickly motioned for her to stay where she was.

"I got it," she reassured her. "Don't push yourself."

Right, don't push. 

Adora nearly collapsed back onto the counter as Catra went to retrieve the phone. She listened as Catra picked up and did her best to semi-politely greet whoever was on the other end.

_"Haha. Yup. Surprise, it's me. Yup…" A heavy sigh. "Okay. Good question, but-..."_

After maybe fifteen seconds, Catra wandered back toward Adora. 

"It's George and Lance. _Both of them,"_ she explained with an eye roll after muting herself. "They want to talk to you about New York, although they seem pretty damn happy to grill me instead. Apparently Bow failed to tell them why we're moving, so they assumed I got a position at some fancy ass restaurant. I'll deal with them if you're not up to it."

Oh…?

Oh.

Oh! 

Adora hadn't- well, she hadn't expected anything to come from her little chat with Bow. 

_And uh, yes, Adora realized. Through Bow, they knew she was moving and on the hunt. If Adora didn't have anything lined up, the only reasonable conclusion was that Catra had. Whoops…_

Still, it wasn't like she could miss this. What if her hunch was right? 

"No, no," Adora did her best to gather herself and reached out for the phone. "I-I need to talk to them." 

Catra happily handed it over, then went back to finish making her sandwich.

Adora's hand was so shaky. So sweaty. Sickness or nerves? Who knew. If this was what she thought it was, though, she needed to try and be present. God, her head hurt from thought alone. 

Adora cleared her throat, already trying to sound as least sick as possible. "Um, hello?" 

_"Adora! Hello!"_ George's voice came first, followed by an equally hearty greeting from Lance. _"We're so happy you're around to talk. We could've sent an email, but-"_ George abruptly paused to excitedly whisper something to Lance. _"-right, but we think we might've found something you'd be interested in."_

Look, Adora tried to say something. Her brain just wasn't up to par with them, that's all. A weak "uhh" was all that came out for this first try. 

_"Don't get her too excited, George. Listen, you said you still love history but weren't into teaching, right? Well, George and I were talking to one of our friends at the Museum of Natural History in New York…"_ Aaand more whispered coordination. Adora was waiting for her heart to start beating again. Catra was staring at her. _"And they're looking for someone with experience to work under a curator for their new exhibit on early Etherian culture-"_

Adora had to mute herself. 

She also finally put them on speaker so that Catra could hear, nearly dropping the phone in the process.

George and Lance went on, jabbering so excitedly. They went on so long that they got apologetic. 

They were so apologetic they couldn't do more than get her an interview to work on a project at New York City's freaking American Museum of Natural History. 

So apologetic that much of the work she would be doing would be sorting weaponry between centuries, then helping decide which ones would go on display. It was more intensive labor to inventory than anything else, mindless. In fact, there was a good chance she'd even get conscripted to move stuff around in all the exhibits, be them Mesoamerican, Asian, or even with the _dinosaurs._

They were also so sorry it was a only temp position, the pay wasn't great, and it sure as hell wasn't guaranteed long term without some luck. 

So sorry it wasn't more academic. Because, you know, research was sooo awesome, even if teaching sucked. 

So sorry.

But also really, really excited.

 _"I was so proud of him!"_ George was finishing off the ramble. _"I kept asking Lance, what can Adora do if she doesn't want to teach? And he's the one who thought of it! Amazing, right? Anyway, it's up to you, and maybe it won't work. But who knows! Maybe it will!"_

About there... it ended. 

They were waiting. 

Adora unmuted herself, intending to speak. 

Yet her muddied brain could barely process the vast amount of information she'd just been given. In fact, she was still at the stage of trying to fully wrap head around what on Earth they'd done. 

Catra was still watching her, too, the sandwich she'd made now thoroughly forgotten. 

"I…" Adora tried once more to get a handle on her thoughts. Tried to power through and put words to them. She started to choke up. 

In a flash, Catra was at her side, eyes wide. She was whispering _something_ Adora, surely asking for context. But Adora couldn't give it. 

She simply had to let it sink in for what it was. She couldn't say for sure if this kind of thing was _her thing,_ but to be given the opportunity to see? To maybe even try it? To not have everything taken away for once? 

God. It was better than anything she'd come up with so far. 

It was so much. 

After all, she'd just received the greatest damn gift in her whole life: real help. Unconditional. Excited. Caring assistance. 

Because they could. 

Because they wanted to.

Finally, it clicked completely. 

Adora took a deep breath despite the fact she felt tears of pure gratitude coming. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve any of it, but here it was being given to her. 

"Guys- I- _thank you._ Thank you, thank you so much." And upon realizing that if this worked out, she wouldn't need to work at a grocery store or office to make ends meet, it all started to spill out. "You guys have no idea how much this means to me. You're both so- you know, I haven't been too sure what direction to take. Everything's been so confusing even though I've been trying. Then with New York? With Catra heading off to grad school, I just-..."

_Oh._

Silence.

Not just from them, but from Adora too. It swept over all parties like a gust of wind the moment she realized what she'd just done. Her heart stopped for the second time that day. God, it wasn't going to take much more abuse. Her adrenaline was pumping so hard, too. 

_".... Catra's going to grad school? She's not…"_

No.

 _No no no._

Adora practically hung up then and there. Goodbye job opportunity. Goodbye Bow's dads. Goodbye world. 

Catra didn't let her, though. No, she shot Adora an urgent look. And upon receiving the briefest of mortified nods, she then took the phone right out of Adora's hand. 

"Hey, yeah. It's uh, it's me again. Adora's really…" Catra looked at Adora with mounting concern. "She's really grateful, but I think she's feeling a little overwhelmed now."

 _"You're going to graduate school?"_ It was a very confused George. Adora was close enough to hear. 

"About that, I think there's a bit of a mix up…"

Adora rested her head on the counter, internally cursing her idiocy. What had she said that for? She just haaad to mention grad school.

She just had to make things more complicated. 

Bless Catra for damage control, but still.

Catra shouldn’t have needed to.

"Yeah, about that. Real funny story. I actually got my degree in biology. You know, way back- anyway, I applied to some programs not too long ago, but I kind of gave up on it after finally getting into professional cooking and doing well. Except then there was that dumb problem where- okay, _the point_ is that I couldn't find a new position. I was trying to figure stuff out like I told you, and what do you know? I got into Columbia. Pretty obvious choice there. Life's weird."

_"... Bow never told us that? He never said that to us, did he?"_

"See, like I said. It sounds like a misunderstanding," Catra replied more smoothly than her initial attempt at a save. "Maybe he forgot. I basically said I was done with the idea."

Yeah.

Maybe Bow… forgot.

Adora actually peeked her head up to watch Catra lie through her teeth. 

There was another acutely long silence in which she was certain that both she and Catra were praying for them to bite. To bite despite the awkward handoff. To bite despite the obviously messy application timeline. One second, two, three, four…

Five? 

Five seconds was a long time, okay? Way longer than books always made it out to be. Adora was ready to die all over again. 

_"Well, hopefully you don't have to give up your love of cooking just because the industry didn't work out."_ George finally said. 

Oh thank God. It must've been the just right mix of kind of clear but also wildly unclear. Just the right mix of deep uncomfortableness that George and Lance had decided it would be better to accept the explanation for what it was. After all, why would there be any reason to _lie?_

Adora dropped her head back down to the counter, relief spreading all over her virus-flu-who even knew battered body.

Catra let out a shaky, relieved breath of her own. "I mean, I still cook. It's not like I just stopped. Adora even started calling me 'soup-chef', so..."

That garnered much laughter from the other end. 

Catra visibly cringed. 

_Poor her._

Still, when it was clear that a highly embarrassed Adora wasn't reasonably going to be able to talk with them for at least a solid day, Catra was kind enough to continue to hold the conversation for her. 

It was pretty awkward at first, but they soon fell into a rhythm. 

After all, George and Lance were excited to drill her on what she'd be studying. Catra was less excited to be put on the spot, but she still discussed it with them. 

As the conversation drew to a close, Catra teased that Adora was having a very hard but happy time, informed them that she was actually quite sick, then promised that she would get back to them for more information on what to do next. 

Not necessarily the best way to go about it, but at least it was done.

_And Adora's relationship with Bow's dads hadn't been totally burned to the ground. It could be mended. Maybe. Hopefully. Ugh._

_Man, she was still happy, but it was kind of being overshadowed by her embarrassment. It was exhausting._

Catra finally put the phone down.

Adora looked at her. She could read the annoyance at having had to talk right off Catra's face, sure. But mostly she saw the pride. It was sharp, kind of an uncomfortable smirk. Nevertheless, it still gave Adora much warmth. 

_Catra was happy for her._

Catra crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. "Well, aside from that mess, I think I'm sensing the potential return of Dr. Dumbass." 

"Yeah," Adora whispered, offering up nothing more than a faint smile. It was all she could muster. 

She wanted to laugh, but she really couldn't. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't do that either. Above all, you see, she simply wanted to be held without having to think.

"Maybe not yet, though," Catra lifted Adora's chin with her index finger. She took great care in doing it gently. She also began searching Adora's eyes just as softly. 

"... Maybe not," Adora smiled a little wider. 

"Bed again? We can talk about this more when you're feeling better." 

She truly felt nothing but gratitude for that assessment. "Yeah… bed. Will you stay?"

"All day, princess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the softest Softshell Thursdays we've ever had! My blood is maple syrup. At this point, I'm not sure I could be classified as fully human. I suffer. 
> 
> Are you pleased with my suffering? :)


End file.
